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Carolina Jones And the Broken Covenant
 Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Ethan Kane
Cast: Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikky Blonde, Roxy Panther, Steve Holmes, James Brossmon, Karim, Alex and David Perry
Each month I write a movie review column with Joanne Cachapero in XBiz. which, like its rival AVN, is an advertiser-sponsored trade publication. I was asked to tone down my critique of Carolina Jones for this month's issue because Adam & Eve is an advertiser with XBiz.
Those Porn Valley Observed readers who are XBiz and AVN sponsors should, of course, continue sponsoring those publications, because it is in the magazines' interest (theoretically) to go to bat for you if one of their contributors is moved to write a harsher than normal critique of your movie or product.
To be fair, the version of the Carolina Jones review in this month's XBiz Premiere leaves no doubt that I was disappointed with the movie, and editorial staff were correct in asking me to tone down the critique. But the following is what I wrote before I was asked to voluntarily soften the review, so wondering what would have made it into the magazine had I refused is moot.
Portions of this review originally appeared in XBiz Premiere
Joanne Cachapero: Ava Rose is the tough-talking tomboy daughter of Indiana Jones in Adam & Eve’s “Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant.” The brunette bombshell makes a convincing go of this wacky action thriller, using her weapon of choice — no, not her vagina — a boomerang … for God’s sake, Gram!
Gram Ponante: Ava Rose can do anything she goddamn well wants to as far as I'm concerned. As well you know, a boomerang is merely an extension of the vagina. To extend the genital metaphors further, "Carolina" is one of Adam & Eve's tentpole movies of 2008, along with "Dark City" starring Rose and Ernest Greene's sequel to 2006's "O," starring Olson. I am putting my hopes in them.
JC: According to the plot synopsis, the “fate of the whole world hangs in the balance,” as Carolina goes searching for the lost Ark of the Covenant — the same Ark that was unearthed by her father Indy several years earlier, and was subsequently stolen by evil henchmen and sent someplace … To tell you the truth, I kinda lost track of the plot.
GP: It's probably for the best. Charlie Browneye's script and Kane's direction of it seemed like lesser priorities than getting the cast to the Czech Republic to shoot it.
JC: In the beginning, Bree Olson is tied up, watching Nikky Blonde and Steve Holmes fuck. At first, I thought it was a threesome with bondage overtones, because Blonde and Holmes didn’t seem so evil and Olson didn’t seem like she was suffering so much. But Carolina Jones swooped in to save the day, and — all of a sudden — put a Makita power drill through the back of Holmes’ head and got Blonde in the throat with the boomerang. That was kinda gnarly, watching the drill bit poke through Holmes’ head.
GP: I wondered how Adam & Eve's famous team of censors justified all the violence in the movie. There were even acknowledged "hookers" in the credits! It is a new day of glasnost for that company.
JC: Anyway, Rose and Olson team up, like a hot Hope and Crosby in an “The Road to Budapest” movie. Rose is all cool, dark, no-nonsense glamour and Olson is as cute as a horny June bug, playing Dixie, the whore with a heart of gold.
GP: I suppose you'll be suing Adam & Eve for stealing the persona you've nurtured for so long?
JC: They follow the trail to the fortress compound of the Big Bad Evil Guy — and any lingering curiosity that I had about the plot of the movie was knocked out of my head when Olson distracted a guard in order for Carolina to sneak onto the grounds.
It’s easy to see why Olson has already won pretty much every newcomer award the industry has to offer. She’s as cute as a dumpling, all blonde in too-big-for-her-shoes that make her look like a little girl playing dress up. But don’t let the sweet thing fool you, she’s a ferociously nasty performer with natural talent and tits.
I had forgotten what natural big, soft boobs like hers look like when they move around, and get squished and have a load shot all over them. It was hypnotic to watch.
When the scene was over, I had totally forgotten why or what Carolina was hunting for, like I had experienced some kind of supernatural brainwashing technique, perpetrated by Olson’s boobs. Talk about secret weapons — that girl is dangerous.
GP: I'll tell you a story, Joanne. Once a stripper was sitting on my lap. She was talking rather than doing what she was supposed to be doing. She said, "Well, you know, I sell a fantasy." Any woman who is already on one's lap is fooling herself if she thinks that she needs a feather boa and a story about working her way through college to get the job done. For this reason I say that I would gladly watch Ava Rose and Bree Olson eat lunch and then bring me coffee, naked.
This whole movie distracted me from the single purpose I think all porn movies should have.
JC: All I knew was that no matter what happened, I had to make it to the end and see Rose and Olson share a scene, because that’s the real treasure in this porno parody.
GP: You're right. Proceed to the end of the movie, stopping only at each of the sex scenes.
JC: Is it fair to compare Ethan Kane to Spielberg?
GP: If it's fair to compare XBiz Premiere to the New Yorker, then Yes, and the Phoenix Forum to the Algonquin Round Table, then Absolutely.
JC: This movie is full of really cool, expensive CGI affects, including an ingenuous torture sequence that features an elaborate ant farm. Foreign locations and actors with authentic accents give this flick an amusement park adventure ride feel.
GP: This movie looks so expensive that I feel bad for not liking it. To me, this is an example of misusing contract stars, shoehorning them into a story that only emphasizes flaws rather than shows off their strengths. Ethan Kane is a smart guy with a real feel for film and how to put one together, but this story does not suit his stars and he is unable to coax – even through some blatant overdubbing – great performances out of them. For their parts, Ava Rose and Bree Olson commit to their characters and look great, but it is as if director and stars acknowledged somewhere that this was only a porno and so all decided to skimp on the work required to make the scenes between the sex compelling.
 Labels: Ava Rose, Bree Olson, xbiz
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Spunk'd: The Movie - Ponante & Cachapero review
 Studio: 6969 Entertainment
Director: Justin Kane
Cast: Aurora Snow, Penny Flame, Hillary Scott, Lexi Belle, Eva Angelina, Vanessa Lane, Katie Morgan, Mikayla, Ginger Lea, Jada Fire, Kelli Brooks, Ron Jeremy, Steven St. Croix, Trent Soluri, Herschel Savage, Dick Nasty, Marcos Leon, Nick Manning, Evan Stone
Portions of this review first appeared on XBiz and may have been edited. What follows is my edit of the article.
GRAM PONANTE: The most important thing to remember about "Spunk'd" is that it was made outside of porn's studio system.
Porn, which often tries to position itself as indie cinema, is often more constricted than its Hollywood counterpart. So low are the margins in porn that most companies can't afford a movie that doesn't fit the formula, so movies like “Spunk'd,” with its large cast and elongated shooting schedule, often don't get made.
JOANNE CACHAPERO: Very astute, Professor Ponante. If sex were kung-fu, try writing something creative around five or six fight sequences that have to last 20 minutes each, leaving you half an hour for character development and to throw down some sort of storyline. Oh, and shoot it all in two days, okay?
 Not to mention, most porn companies are interested in a product that will sell, not in making an art movie or a comedy, so they’re apt to stick to what is perceived as a moneymaker; the standard formula or a copy of someone else’s successful movie.
This is the same mentality in mainstream Hollywood that brought you bloated extravaganzas like “Mission Impossible III,” only in adult, it’s “Mondo Bukkake Cum Festival 54.”
GP: Well, because it was a Cum Festival, it got NEA funding. I like how you wryly lampoon the porn industry by making up a movie title and then adding a high number to it. I'm going to steal that. In fact, I'm Going to Steal That 27!!!
JC: And who writes the fucking formula? Adult audiences have been trained to expect a certain sequence of events. Granted, one man’s gonzo is another man’s Shakespeare, but more often than not what you end up with is either a dreadfully boring, formula-driven stroke flick where, if you’re lucky, you might get a really hot scene or two.
There’s something to be said for recognizing the farce in a porno context. The great thing about “Spunk’d” is director Justin Kane sees what a goof it can be, and just keeps piling it on by throwing in everything else that’s goofy about the media-obsessed, reality-driven mainstream world that we live in.
I don’t know how it is for you, Gram, but when a guy asks me to take one in the face in real life, it is kind of amusing. I try to act all serious like it’s a real turn-on, but deep inside, I’m laughing my ass off.
GP: You were laughing inside? At Thanksgiving? In front of my parents?
JC: Anyway, there are more loads being dropped in “Spunk’d” than there are cellphone pix of Britney Spears’ kootch on TMZ.com.
GP: Exactly, Jo-Jo. What makes this a special movie is that it has finally made the sacred connection between reality TV and porn. The problem with reality TV is it never admits it's porn with better production values and no penetration. Well, except market penetration.
A parody of the basic cable Ashton Kutcher prank vehicle "Punk'd," "Spunk'd" merely takes the conceit a little further by adding sex to it.
So where "The Simple Life" will introduce Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to a hillbilly family, "Spunk'd" brings Hairless Hilton and Cornhole Richie to a hillbilly family that, naturally, fucks them.
JC: There ain’t nothin’ natural about it, Gram. I thought I would fall off the couch, this scene was so funny.
GP: Luckily the couch was on your lawn already.
JC: When big brother Trent (played by Trent Soluri) is getting a hummer from his loving sister Phoebe Sue (played by Kelli Brooks) and tells Hairless and Cornhole, “My sister could suck start a leaf blower,” it just gets better from there.
Pretty soon it’s in-bred hootenanny fun for the whole family. Mom and Dad (played by Ginger Lea and Steven St. Croix) have their hillybilly on the whole time. When Hairless finally takes it in the rear from Daddy, Mom looks over and smiles, “I know we’ve never been able to afford it, but now you can say you’ve been in a Hilton.”
 My other favorite scene in the movie is when “Lindsay Blohan” has to go through a security check with boy-pal “Wilmer Balled-Yer-Mama” (played by Marcos Leon).
Blohan is played by very pretty Penny Flame — who actually looks like Lindsay “It’s not my coke, officer” Lohan. And let’s face it, deep down inside, all of America believes that those tabloid celebutante princesses like La Lohan are all bound to end up in homemade sex tapes once their mainstream careers take a crap anyway. It’s only a 30-minute ride from Beverly Hills to Chatsworth, you know, and at this point Lohan just might do anything for a couple of bumps, if you know what I mean.
GP: No, Joanne. No, I don’t. I left working at adult trade magazines so I wouldn’t have to know what you mean.
And Nick Manning, in a scenery-chewing performance as Gashton Kootcher, busts through the door with a camera crew to spunk on the girls’ faces. Good times had by all.
JC: Yup. Manning is a perfect ham as Kootcher, but toward the end, in this weird “Witches of Eastwick” reverse gangbang when Manning is tied up and ravished by three demon-ettes (Mikayla, Eva Angelina and Vanessa Lane), you kind of wish the girls would smother him more.
GP: Porn is so intent on being taken seriously — witness movies like "Corruption" and "Sacred Sin" — that it forgets a lot of its appeal is in escapism and ridiculousness. As you know Joanne, it is difficult addressing weighty issues like the abuse of power and infant mortality (themes tackled in "Corruption" and "Sacred Sin," respectively) when loads are being deposited on 19-year-old faces.
JC: Wow, you’re in a serious mood, Gram, after watching such a delightful romp. Honestly, it’s kind of a turn-on when you get all intellectual like this, professor.
Anyway, I agree. The one thing adult can do that Hollywood can’t is show penetration. But it’s almost impossible to capitalize on it because a lot of people still feel uncomfortable viewing actual sex, even if it’s in a “real” movie. It’s a little too much “reality” even if the audience knows it’s all choreographed and staged.
So, what do a lot of people do when they’re faced with something that makes them feel squeamish? They crack a joke.
It’s the same logic behind the least-attractive guy that gets laid all the time because he has a great sense of humor. In fact, comedy is always best when it’s based on something totally socially unacceptable and over-the-top.
GP: Justin Kane made this movie with an excellent cast and his own and his buddy's money. He used to work at Nectar but opted to make this film himself, a decision that has paid off in an excellent movie that takes reality TV to its logical conclusions.
JC: God love him — it must have cost a fortune, but a very fine freshman debut!
GP: In addition to above-average production quality — a split-screen Hillary Scott plays the Holeson twins — when have you ever seen a split screen in porn? Kane gets some hilarious performances out of not only usual suspects like Penny Flame, Steven St. Croix, and Nick Manning, but also people like Katie Morgan, Marcos Leon, and Ginger Lea.
JC: Don’t forget Evan Stone. A special shout-out to Morgan, who also was in a Jim Holliday movie we reviewed, and performed with the same fun-loving gusto in both movies. And you’ve got your classic stars, too — the ubiquitous Ron Jeremy, Herschel Savage and Dick Nasty.
It sure looked like the cast was having a lot of fun.
GP: "Spunk'd" also fluidly mixes dialogue with sex. Sex scenes are not discrete in this movie — there is talking throughout — and that is an adjustment that is easy to make.
JC: Maybe because I’m a girl…
GP: …but not yet a woman.
JC: I found myself wanting to rush through the sex scenes a little bit to see what the next wild set-up would be. But don’t get me wrong — the sex was pretty hot and definitely strokable.
GP: "Strokable"? Who are you - AVN? Get out of my office.
A movie like "Spunk'd" makes me think studios should throw fifty or sixty grand, once a year, at an outside filmmaker and just leave him or her alone. In this case, the results are fantastic. I would, of course, represent Big Porn's interests on the set to ensure that over-artsy auteur don't think it's OK to cut to the guy's face during the pop shot.
JC: Unless he’s the one getting spunked! But now we’re talking about a whole different kind of movie.
See also: 2007: The Year Spunk'd Broke
Labels: Aurora Snow, directors, Eva Angelina, Hillary Scott, justin Kane, Lexi Belle, Penny Flame, ponante and cachapero, xbiz
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 Studio: Paradise Visuals
Director: Spencer Benedict
Cast: Felix Vicious, Spencer Benedict, Nick Manning, Sunny Lane, Hailey Young, Jack Venice, John Strong, Leah Luv, Kimberly Kane
Portions of this review originally appeared in XBiz and may have been edited. What follows is my edit of the article.
Gram Ponante: Joanne and I disagreed – finally – about a movie. Or at least she saw potential in “The Make Up” where I saw a swing and a miss.
Joanne Cachapero: One of the great things about the glut of low-quality porn on the market is that it seems to have inspired a whole crop of ambitious directors to make innovative movies that don’t suck, with some surprisingly good stuff coming from fledgling filmmakers like Spencer Benedict, aka Jason Green, co-owner of Paradise Visuals.
GP: Yes, Jo Jo, but I am a Buddhist, as you well know, and it is important to remember that something is not necessarily good just because it was produced as a reaction to something that is bad. Not that that was the case with “The Make Up,” but if you’re going to make a sweet porn comedy that relies on acting and nuance rather than a porn hammer, you’d better get the acting and nuance right.
JC: “The Make Up” piqued my interest because I knew Jason/Spencer (maybe I should just call him “Spence?”) was completely capable of writing a commercially viable film since he worked for a while at legendary B-movie studio Troma, which turned out such cult classics as “The Toxic Avenger” and “Surf Nazis Must Die.”
But was he capable of turning out a commercially viable porno? And was he also capable of playing the male lead in the film without ever dropping his pants, in a comedic, non-sex role?
GP: The answer is a solid “Sort of.” While “The Make Up” is a light and airy comedy in the vein of what Stormy Daniels is also attempting, and director/writer/star Benedict, when he gets comfortable in the role, pulls off a nebbishy character reminiscent of Woody Allen, his acting is not assured enough to sustain the movie. And, as this is a porn movie, to have the main role be a non-sex one requires ample compensation in other areas which just doesn’t come.
JC: In “The Make Up,” right from the opening scene, you know you’re in for something a little different — reminiscent of the story-driven porns of the ‘70s — when you see Spence and his leading lady, the lovely Felix Vicious (in her final hardcore role), and the story premise gets set up with the couple arguing while Vicious is brushing her teeth.
And while I love vignette-style and wall-to-wall movies, as you may have noticed when you’re fast forwarding through your favorite fuck flick, sometimes just fantasizing about sex gets boring.
I mean, Felix Vicious brushing her teeth??? She doesn’t even use the toothbrush to play with herself or anything. As the scene progresses; simultaneously, Spence ask Vicious to marry him — and she says that she thinks they ought to break up.
To prove her point, Vicious says, “What about the time you called me a ‘cunt’ at Disneyland? In front of Mickey Mouse?”
“It was a bad day,” Spence replies; light, funny bits of dialogue like that, throughout the movie lead to story and character development that’s more intelligent than in your average adult video.
GP: I agree. That’s why we want more. Spence seeks advice from his dad (played by Bill Margold) and the latter suggests a private island resort. What Dad doesn’t say is that the resort is a swingers’ club. Mandy reluctantly agrees to go, and the couple are shocked – shocked! – to find out that sex is going on there.
JC: There’s a really good scene between Sunny Lane (a girl that I think doesn’t get enough credit as a performer) and John Strong that is hot and funny. Lane is a hooker and Strong her john, and for every different position and act, Lane keeps increasing her price. Strong plays the anxious customer to a tee and then turns out to have an empty wallet.
There’s a sex scene with Hailey Young and Jack Venice that I think would have been better if Spence could have cast a couple of classic stars, like Randy West and Christy Canyon, maybe? In my experience with swing clubs, you’re more likely to see mature couples having sex by the pool, than young porn stars.
GP: That’s because you book your swing clubs on Travelocity, Joanne.
JC: Maybe the best, most twisted scene is one where Spence is sitting on a couch and Leah Luv and Nick Manning decide they’re going to have sex while Spence watches.
Manning, who is a vocal performer in any case, starts grunting like a caveman and growling sweet, sentimental love talk, like “Suck my cock, you dirty fucking whore…” and “Dropping loads…” The expressions on Spence’s face are the same as the ones I make at home, whenever I watch Manning perform. Yikes!
GP: The scenes work most effectively when the coverage does not result in the actors repeating themselves, which happens a few times in the movie. Sometimes it’s hard watching something that is so well-intended fall in the same traps other porn movies do. We expect so little of porn movies that when one comes along that tries a little harder but still succumbs to the same narrative or editing inadequacies as its peers, we’re more disappointed.
JC: I have to admit, though, Manning is a turn-on in a weird, animal way.
GP: Accept these things about yourself, Joanne.
JC: There are some things that are a little rough — the last scene with Kimberly Kane and Vicious is a stretch for the imagination.
 GP: That Vicious goes through the movie playing a (justifiably) frigid and reluctant girlfriend, it is not credible that a few nice words from Spence turn her. She jumps into a girl/girl scene with Kane abruptly.
As you’d predict, the couple makes amends, but by then everything just seems sloppy. The priest is drunk, the final dialogue between Mandy and Spencer is uninspiring and, against all odds, Margold is still in the movie. Then he jumps in the pool and everyone laughs. Where is the Toxic Avenger when you need him?
JC: There were a couple of other films this year that followed this same, basic idea — Justin Kane’s “Spunk’d” and Michael Lucas’ “The Intern,” both with good results. Somebody ought to throw a real budget at Spencer Benedict/Jason Green, because I know he could make a bigger, smarter sex video, under well-funded circumstances.
GP: I agree that this is a guy who, like me, would benefit from money being thrown at him.
Labels: felix vicious, ponante and cachapero, xbiz
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Studio: Adam & Eve
