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 Studio: Vivid
Director: B. Skow
Cast: Savanna Samson, April Blossom, Kimberly Kane, Maria Bellucci, James Deen, Brian Surewood, Evan Stone, Steven St. Croix
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Smoky backwoods Marianne (Savanna Samson) has a girlfriend, Lucy (April Blossom), that no one knows about. Not even her husband, benighted hick Darrell (Steven St. Croix). When Darrell comes home unexpectedly, he catches his wife in the brunette's Sapphic embrace and goes, as you'd expect, apeshit. To his credit, though, Darrell works through his rage by fucking his wife. We get the idea this is something they do to keep their marriage exciting.
 This is news to Lucy, however. After watching for a while she takes action. And in the aftermath, Marianne and Lucy must flee the scene of a murder.
They don't make it far. They are pulled over by an unnecessarily harsh police officer (Evan Stone) whose wife (Kimberly Kane) works at the police station. As it happens, Kane likes having sex in front of prisoners, as does her husband. We get the idea this is something they do to keep their marriage exciting.
 We see a pattern here. Marriages are the same the world over. What also remains unchanged is the time at the police station; it remains ten seconds to midnight throughout the scene.
 Things get bad. It's starting to look like Stone isn't a police officer at all. Why is there a mattress in the detention room? Why does Kimberly Kane get to smoke? Things become clear the next morning at breakfast with the dysfunctional family, as the culprits are chained to a dining room table and served eggs by Constance (James Deen), a halfwit in flowered underpants.
Marianne laments her life. "First I was living in sin," she says. "Now I'm living in Hell!"
 But Lucy is clever. She knows that one thing that halfwits like (other than french fries) is big hugs. She tells him that the girls will give him a big hug if he unshackles them.
But after he has his way with them, a way that is similar to the way all porn threeways are conducted (leading this observer to wonder if this movie is saying that halfwits are just like porn stars), Constance has the last laugh: he locks the girls away, too.
 But they manage to escape to the safety of a rural porn studio where Brian Surewood is fiddling with Maria Bellucci. Marianne and Lucy hide just in time for Stone to arrive. It appears that Stone is like a maniacal feudal lord, inspiring fear in all who walk his grounds. There really is a lot going on in this movie.
But I won't give away the end, save for the fact that comeuppance isn't equally distributed.
 Miles from Needles is a great porn movie. Like Rob Rotten's Texas Vibrator Massacre (also released this year), the movie takes place in a rural setting and lets the cast engage is some redneckery.
Kimberly Kane is especially good in white trash roles, because she is not traditionally porn star sexy, but sexy in a way that says "I would like to see her unhinged."
Newcomer April Blossom is a smoky-voiced vixen who does a great job with her first leading role. Paired with Samson, Blossom (whose name doesn't fit her - she should be called Smoky Sassypants or something) describes her partner in the excellent Behind the Scenes featurette as someone she just wants to grab and bite into. This is true of herself.
But Samson is the star, and rightfully so. A lot of higher-budget movies featuring contract girls reveal limitations, because some might be great to look at but aren't equal to the small demands of the script. Samson looks wonderful and she even uses a slight accent, and not as a distracting caricature.
"We shot the movie over two days (in July 2007), and we had the best time," said director B. Skow. "I've worked with most of those performers before, and they really made it look good."
 Labels: April Blossom, B. Skow, Brian Surewood, evan stone, James Deen, kimberly kane, Maria Bellucci, savanna samson, Steven St. Croix, vivid
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 Studio: Vivid
Director: B. Skow
Cast: Monique Alexander, Audrey Bitoni, Nick Manning, Presley Maddox, Carolyn Reese, James Deen, Evan Stone
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
A boulevard of broken dreams story from today's Hollywood, "Popstar"'s nipslips, lipsynch malfunctions, and clandestine trysts are so much more compelling than the Tinseltown reality they emulate.
"Take your clothes off for Din," Hollywood Weseal Nick Manning says to Sunrise (Monique Alexander) in Vivid's "Popstar". "Din wants to see some nipples. AND THE REST!"
Sunflower is new in town and starmaker Avery Din has invited her into the VIP lounge. Meanwhile, her cattty hometown best friend's career goes the other way: she is reduced to porn.
"Din's nude," Manning says, adding: "I'm gonna stick it where the sun don't rise."
The adorable Alexander makes us believe that she wouldn't actually shun us in a club, or perhaps she only appears to be an ingenue against Manning's utter oiliness. Either way, if we can forgive Jack Nicholson for playing the same character in all his later movies, we are equally satisfied when Manning arrives at load-droppin' time. (In addition to "Dropping loads!" Manning has added the catchphrase "Wrecked!")
As Din seeks to jettison Paulina (Audrey Bitoni) as flavor of the month, planting cocaine in front of paparazzi and sabotaging TV appearances, he also sends his assistant, Paige (Presley Maddox) to manipulate a late night host by whatever means necessary.
Then Sunrise must get cozy with a VJ (James Deen). Squalid. Especially since she can't sing.
Yesterday's news Paulina tries to get her career back by coming on to Marvin the engineer (Evan Stone). It seems like her fall from grace has schooled her in her humanity. Her natural singing talent and her Gram-bearing hips made her cocky. Can she redeem herself? Porn really does teach us things. It was at this point I wanted Bitoni to win.
Realizing it was Din's machinations all along, the women in his life finally get together, you know, in a "Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves" sort of way, taken to logical conclusions.
Popstar is a delightful stocking stuffer, and so much less sordid than watching TMZ!
Labels: Audrey Bitoni, B. Skow, Carolyn Reese, evan stone, James Deen, monique alexander, nick manning, Presley Madddox, vivid
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 Studio: Vivid-Alt
Director: Eon McKai
Cast: Cassidey, Dana DeArmond, Charlotte Stokely, Pixie Pearl, Tommy Pistol, James Deen, Julius Ceazher, Icarus Corpse, Daniel, Justin Syder, Monique Alexander
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The band Dallas is coming to town, and Debbie and her friends will do anything to get at the frontman.
An Altporn reimagining of the 70's Debbie Does Dallas, Eon McKai's version is not going to make any converts to the steveporn stable of stars, all of whom do an amazing job of telegraphing how not seriously they take their jobs.
The eye rolling, gum smacking, and bad posture, the delivery of every line as if it had a question mark at the end of it, and the relentless irony of the performances made me think less like I was watching a porn movie than I was substitute-teaching an eighth grade class.
All except Cassidey, who plays Debbie. The bad seed Vivid Girl (or so she is depicted in the Showtime/World of Wonder "reality" series "Debbie Does Dallas .. Again"), Cassidey alone seems to be making an effort to do her best with what is admittedly a porn script.
She and her pals (DeArmond, Stokely, and Pearl) meet at a music video shoot playing listless cheerleaders. They take a break and hang out with local ticket scalper/drug dealer Deeze, who takes a shine to Dana.
"I'm from East Los Angeles," he says. "...so far east I have a New York accent."
Back at Debbie's place, Cassidey makes James Deen fuck Pixie as punishment for not cleaning the apartment. I don't understand stevepornkid anthropology; if Deen had cleaned the house, would he have got to fuck Pixie twice?
Regardless, a good sex scene is always a welcome departure from bad acting, and a lack of dialogue takes one's mind off the poor sound. We can hear the "record" button being pressed each time a performer speaks.
Meanwhile, we meet Punky of Dallas, whose mating dance seems to be the constant readjustment of his glasses. We are treated to Dallas' music video, a trippy interlude that puts Punky in Deen's place fucking Pearl.
A story element is added that the girls are fighting. Stokely versue Cassidey over Punky. Cassidey tells Stokely that the loser in their struggle will have to "go back to making porn in the Valley" (at this point I suddenly felt defensive of the Valley. "Well, these girls don't seem so together, either," I thought).
The groupies crash a recording session and Pearl and DeArmond hook up with the backup musicians. It's like "The Wall", except with MySpace bands. Two headscratchers of porn pseudonyms are featured in this scene: Julius Ceazher and Icarus Corpse. If I was 12, Icarus Corpse would be my band.
Down the hall, Cassidey and Stokely try to find Punky but are blocked by his bodyguard.
"I'll introduce Punky to the one who sucks the best cock," the bodyguard says. (Shouldn't it be "sucks cock the best?") Anyway, they blow him, but he betrays their trust. It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll.
A surprise visit by Monique Alexander from Paul Thomas' recent "Debbie" reimagining is every bit as exciting as when Gary Coleman did a cameo on "Silver Spoons" as Arnold Drummond. It is the Vivid contract girls who deliver the most inspired performances in this movie.
You might say, "But Dana DeArmond is the new Thinking Man's Porn Star, and Charlotte Stokely was the face of suburban blight in Girls Lie. How is it that cookie cutter contract girls are so refreshing in this movie?"
Probably because the script was unequal to the talent of these people. At that point it became a personal choice whether to let the audience know. Cassidey made me forget the script, Dana drew attention to it.
In the end, Cassidey gets her man. Punky, played by Alex Gonz, and Cassidey provide a sweaty and messy ending to the movie, real porn as opposed to metaporn, which is a welcome relief.
Still, we could hear an offstage voice yell "Two minutes!" as Gonz worked up to his pop shot. I asked McKai if things other directors might smooth over - like stage directions - were included purposely in this movie.
"Truth to materials," he said, quoting the architectural fad that prohibits gussying up building blocks. If that is true, why not have a split screen at all times showing what the crew is up to? What about a CNN news ticker or real-time L.A. traffic reports that would give insight into conditions on the set? Sometimes I think steveporn means never having to admit you're phoning it in.
Labels: cassidey, contract, dana dearmond, eon mckai, monique alexander, pixie pearl, steveporn, vivid
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 Studio: Vivid
Director: B Skow
Cast: Savanna Samson, Bob Levy, Lanny Barby, Moni Michaels, Kimberly Kane, Penny Flame, Kimberly Franklin, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Lee Stone
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
This pornolized account of comedian "Reverend" Bob Levy's rise to semi-stardom is a searing documentary about the bitterness of the standup road warrior masquerading as a porn movie.
Told in flashbacks to a fan, Stood Up is probably the movie Howard Stern would like to have made about him, but Levy had the idea first.
Levy plays himself as the narrator, but in flashback scenes, such as the one in which a younger Levy meets his agent, played by Savanna Samson, Tommy Gunn takes over Levy duties. Samson and Gunn fuck in the green room after a gig. She looks fantastic, and the production doesn't skimp on giving Gunn a little time in front of the microphone at a dingy club.
Levy tells his fan that the agent went on to get him a series of crappy gigs, including a bachelor party at which he is assaulted by a brute named Andy (Lee Stone) who horns in on Levy's strippers, but not before confiscating a bag containing Levy's act, which consists of "a bunch of nursey rhymes".
We are meant to believe that this was Andrew Dice Clay, and Stone does a good job impersonating him. Then he fucks Lanny Barby. Breasts like Barby's didn't exist in 1982, but who cares?
At a Long Island Jewish wedding reception in 1985, Jerry the waiter (James Deen) sneaks a look at the script Levy has written, a sitcom pilot "about nothing". Levy is onstage telling the guests how cheap they are. Meanwhile Jerry takes advantage of the JAPpy Penny Flame in a very hot scene. Even if the rest of the movie is not to be believed, we can at least feel that Deen and Flame really like each other.
I'll say it again: Penny Flame in a yellow summer dress is awesome. The "Jewish" ad-libbing of the wedding guests, however, about money, diamonds, real estate, and lawyers, seemed like jokes from another time (Oh yeah - it was supposed to be 1985). But a mainstream movie would not allow this sort of humor. Not because porn is the last bastion of free speech, but because the jokes were old.
Despite what appears to be ten years of bad bookings, Levy still retains his manager until a disastrous 1992 show in a Georgia roadhouse, where his "You know you're a hillbilly" routine is copied by someone who looks like Jeff Foxworthy. Levy and Samson get into it backstage.
"Hack!" Samson says.
"Cum Bucket," Levy responds. "I should knock you the fuck out."
Levy himself is knocked out by hillbilly Evan Stone, who proceeds to entice girlfriend Kimberly Kane and Savanna back to his motor home. This leads to another funny scene, this time about Stone's "girth".
This is a movie you should watch so I won't give away the ending; I'll just say that bad things keep happening to Levy.
Stood Up is Vivid firing on all cylinders. It is just the type of stuff they should be doing, and that they do well. Everybody looks good in it.
Except for Levy. While Levy is made to look like the victim throughout the movie, his banter and short routines are all of that late 80's/early 90's abusive standup style, which makes the parts of the movie Levy is not in classier than the parts he is. Obviously a talented guy, it is sad that he is upstaged in his own movie. But how could he not be? Penny Flame in a yellow dress, and then out of it, beats cheap Jew jokes every time.
As far as celebrity porn movies, though, Levy puts on a better show than Snoop did.
Labels: evan stone, kimberly kane, lanny barby, savanna samson, vivid
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 Studio: ClubJenna/Vivid
Director: Justin Sterling
Cast: Jenna Jameson, Janine Lindemulder, Justine Joli, Justin Sterling, Manuel Ferrara, Julian, Dominica Leon, Jerry, Reno, Nicole Brazzle, Veronica Lynn, Cherokee, Sativa Rose, Tommy Gunn, Katja Kassin, Vera Vanguard, Nauduia Nice, Horace, Mario Rossi, Envy, David Lavern, Dolph DeBernenal, Vincent Vega
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Janine Loves Jenna is the most anticipated porn movie of the past several years. It was made in 2005, which is like 1989 to you and me.
It is a movie with a moral: no matter how distraught you are after your limo driver doesn't pay attention because he's watching you fellate your partner in the back seat and wrecks the car, killing her, it is a sin to kill oneself.
(A clarification was suggested by a Vatican II scholar. Suicide is no longer considered a mortal - meaning Hellbound - sin, but a grave sin which is up to The Man Upstairs to judge. I will gracefully defer to God in determining ClubJenna's fate.)
The suicide in question is Miss Jenna Jameson, and her recent real-life worries make a movie about her "journey through Hell" seem ripped from the headlines. Just remember, though, that this film opens with a fatal car crash and a suicide. Are you hard yet?
Like all porn movies and rock videos dealing with the underworld, the place is sexy. Dudes in red capes wave censers while Janine goes down on Justine Joli. Jenna, an initiate, is then brought into the threesome. If this sounds abrupt, it is. No sooner has Jenna slit her wrists in a bathtub of despair that she winds up in Hell (which is how it works in the Bible, too) and in a sapphic menage a trois. Abrupt also characterizes the shots; we don't hold long enough on any one image to get a rise out of it.
If it hard enough to believe that a tryst with Janine and Justine Joli would occur in Hell, it is unfathomable that Jenna gets on top when the dildos come out.
Janine explains (and it is revealed that Janine was the dearly fellated departed in the limo) that she understands this place, and it is not Hell per se, but its vestibule. And she knows how to get out. They plot their escape. Janine points to a monitor where there appears to be a Kink.com scene going on.
"Don't let that distract you," Janine says.
For some reason, Jenna and Janine, wearing kimonos and wielding parasols, hook up with some dudes in a rain-soaked alley.
Then, at the Deadly Sin Diner, the girls are in shiny bikinis and encounter a waiter reminiscent of guys one meets at adult webmaster conventions. He recommends Lust with a side of Greed. Katja Kassin makes greed look good.
Finally, the girls reach Hades himself. He decides to take Jenna for a spin, as the depravity around him has grown boring. Seriously, if pornfolk paint Hell as a crazy joyride of mindless fucking that they want to escape, how would they define what they do for a living?
One way to escape Hell, the film reveals, is to look hot naked (this also works for speeding tickets). Jenna wakes up in her bloody bathtub, somewhere before or after wrist-slashing, and has the film's best scene with Janine here in the real world, complete with choking and candles in the butt.
I will not tell you how the film ended. Not because I feel spoilers are wrong in porn movies but because I didn't understand it. Did she commit suicide or didn't she? Justin Sterling finds her in the bathtub. He seems sad about it.
Janine Loves Jenna pairs a generation's last porn superstars. They are the same age as women who in gonzo movies would be considered MILFs, but Jenna and Janine retain the glamour expected of early '90's performers.
Why producers thought that what will probably be the final super twosome (unless Jenna makes a movie with Tera, which seems unlikely) should be set in a BDSM Hell rather than, say, having the two be hardened but sexy cops is beyond me, but my picture of Hell has always involved people I don't want to have sex with.
Solid acting (especially from the guy who played the Devil), sex scenes that get better as the movie goes along, and a great couple of scenes from two fan favorites make J Hearts J worth watching. The locale, however, is beneath them.
Labels: clubjenna, dvd, janine, jenna jameson, MILF, reviews, vivid, wgl
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Kim Kardashian, Superstar featuring Hip Hop Star Ray J
 Studio: Vivid
Director: Ray J.
Cast: Kim Kardashian, Ray J.
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The only reason I watched this movie was because I personally like full-figured Armenian women under 30. Everything else, which means the marketing and Kim Kardashian, Superstar featuring Hip Hop Star Ray J itself, are a waste of time.
As porn movies go, Kardashian fails on two levels. In that both Kim and Ray J acknowledge the audience (Kim: "No aerial shots, please"), it is a gonzo movie. But even the worst gonzo directors don't feature the camera strap more than the star. Vivid recently released the "news" that Ray J was offered a directing contract. Should Eon McKai, Paul Thomas, and Laurent Sky start throwing in boom shadows to keep time with the company's new direction?
It also fails as a sex movie, because we don't see nearly enough of the purported star. Kardashian is camera-shy, never fully nude, and always in bed. The tease never arrives at a payoff and, by the time the movie is over, we don't care.
As a porn performer, if not a director, Ray J has a future. He's got a big dick and he brings Kim off with his mouth. At the very least, we have an idea that she's not faking it. The couple also have good chemistry, though not good enough for Kim to take her bra off or for Ray J not to sell the tape.
The viewer is left with very valid comparisons: At least Tommy and Pam were in the sunlight on a boat. At least Paris got filmed by the Mossad. At least Tom Sizemore can rap.
We don't yet know the real story behind how the Kardashian tape got into Vivid's hands. We'll get the data eventually. But even that curiosity is not enough to make this movie worth its hype.
Compare this to another high-profile Vivid project, the World of Wonder/Showtime series Debbie Does Dallas...Again. While blatantly contrived with real people playing stock reality show characters, the series is very engaging, satisfying and titillating. And the movie it is marketing will undoubtedly do well and hit all the marks a feature porn needs to.
If Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato did a documentary on how the Kim Kardashian video ended up in the hands of a soon-to-be-disappointed public, that bit of supplementary material might make up for the lack of boobs in the video.
Now Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam with Full Force ... that would be a good sex tape.
Labels: "kim kardashian", dvd, hype, non-event, reviews, vivid
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Studio: Vivid
