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 Studio: Metro
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Syren, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, Wendi Knight, Brick Majors, Violet Luv, Jack Hammer, Samantha, Brandon Iron, Nick Orleans
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
As you know, the last two horror films set in northern California were John Carpenter's The Fog and Corey Haim's The Lost Boys. So I was half giddy with excitement about James Avalon's AVN-sweeping 2000 movie Les Vampyres.
Castrated men are washing ashore along the scenic Pacific Coast Highway. None of them is John Houseman's Mr. Machen. In the opening scene of Les Vampyres (the only porn movie ever to name-check Peter Ueberroth), we watch as a three-way goes horribly wrong for a poor fellow who finds his junk bitten off by two women he probably thought were his friends
After the credits roll, we meet earnest couple Jenny and Clint (Jewel Valmont and Joel Lawrence), celebrating his job promotion by spending the weekend at a cozy resort. They bump into the uber-creepy Veronika (Syren), Victoria, and Vivian, two-thirds of whom we just saw biting some poor dude's cock off (the poor dude was played by Brick Majors, Brian Surewood's brother). The trio invites the couple to dinner, and they accept.
But back in the room the couple change their minds and decide to order room service instead.
"She had a strange aura about her," Jenny confides. "She made me feel ... different."
Not to worry. Victoria and Vivian are out looking for man-flesh, and boy do they find some, luring a hapless voyeur into some cock-biting.
Veronica has her heart set on Jenny, but Clint, like me, thinks Veronica's loopy.
"But I'm drawn to her," says Jenny. "It's a ... longing."
Meanwhile, now les vampyres have offed a doofus cop who alone was on to their shenanigans. But Clint is also suspicious. Unfortunately, like the other dubious men in the movie, his reservations are not strong enough to resist their temptations, in Clint's case, a sexy vampyre in the shower.
When Veronika finally gets Jenny alone, she informs the quivering blonde of her secret past. And when Jenny is hip to her own supernatural resume, it's curtains for Clint.
Avalon was and is a talented director who makes his stars look their best. While Syren doubtless did the best she could, it is painful to hear her deliver lines. As if anticipating this, a lot of the incidental male parts are just as hokey. Les Vampyres is a very juicy and cable-ready horror porn that holds up well lo these eight years.
Watch Les Vampyres Now
Buy Les Vampyres NowLabels: "james avalon", Brandon Iron, Brick Majors, horror, Jack Hammer, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, metro, Nick Orleans, Samantha, Syren, Violet Luv, Wendi Knight
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 Studio: Cal Vista
Director: Philip Mond
Cast: Sasha Vinni, Gina Lamarca, Anna Romero, Grace Harlowe, Brooke Lane, Lene Hefner, Helena, Nikie St. Giles, Antonio Valentino, Kevin James, Drew Reese, Devin, and Jon
"You've got the scent, you've got the scent - the scent of love." - Not ABC
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
Like you, I was intrigued by the reissue of Philip Mond's classic 1990's porn Zazel - The Scent of Love because I wanted to see what vaginas looked like the year my cat was born. And when I saw the scene with the tiger I felt singularly validated in my curiosity.
Filmed in 1995 and first released in 1997, Zazel has been reissued in 2-disc collector's set that throws current couples' porns into harsh relief; it really is a slow burn movie that, by the end, demands that viewing couples go fuck now.
Fragrance designer Zazel (the gorgeous Sasha Vinni) sits sketching by her koi pond when she gets The Call: She has been approved to create her own eponymous perfume! Awesome!
 We soon see why Zazel is right for the job. "The scent of love?" she thinks. "What can it be? Where can it be found?"
The rest of the movie follows Zazel through her own journey of discovery in the realms of sex and scent. Painted nymphs appear as her muses. She realizes her perfume must have "the breath of heaven; the taste of sin."
 Don't get me wrong: Zazel shares with today's tolerated trophy porn auteurs the tendency to talk out its ass.
"Does the scent of love come from the heavens? The Earth? The wild orchid? The water lilly?"
"Angels from heaven descend into Pluto's realm and divulge their secrets with intoxicating rapture."
"Shiva: Goddess of Creation" (luckily Hindus don't undertake jihads.) But it is also beautifully shot and staged. No performer involved in realizing Mond's (and Zazel's) vision is anything short of beautiful (most are fleshy and toned Penthouse models of its pre-bankruptcy period) and each set piece is so creatively erotic that calling it porn - by today's standards - seems insufficient.
One example finds Zazel examining the vulva-like qualities of the picture of a flower in a book. Another does for tiger paint what the "Rio" video never could.
 It is safe to play this movie with the sound off as long as you keep in mind that "Zazel is doing work-related research." We never see the fruits of her R&D on the shelves, but then again, Hell-derived intoxicating rapture in a bottle is probably wicked expensive.
Labels: classic, metro, philip mond, sasha vinni
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 Studio: Metro/Toxxxic Entertainment
Director: Vincent Voss
Cast: Daisy Marie, Kaiya Lynn, Carmel Moore, Lela Starr, Nikki Benz, Sativa Rose, Tiffany Sweet, Austin Kincaid, Ben English, Mick Blue, Steve Holmes, Marco Banderas, Scott Nails
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
When "Slime Ballin'" arrived, you can imagine my joy as I surmised that Nickelodeon had finally persuaded Alanis Morrisette and Christine McGlade to come out of retirement for a "You Can't Do That on Television" porn reunion.
Alas it was not to be, but the green slime and Toxic Avenger (minus the Toxic Avenger) motif of the boxcover promised great things. You'd think, at least, that there would be fucking in slime. You would be wrong.
With the myriad porn titles released each month, the nation's porn consumers and reviewers understand that there isn't too much different that can be done with each one. That is why people like director Vincent Voss should be commended for dusting off his high school black light, buying some ultraviolet body paint, and filling the room with dry ice in the execution of "Slime Ballin'".
The movie starts with Daisy Marie servicing a straitjacketed patient in a padded cell. If this is where our healthcare system is going, well all-fucking-right!. Voss hits the blacklight and we can see how white Daisy's teeth are.
The randy Brit Carmel Moore is revealed to be a dead ringer for Karen Black in the next scene.
Here is Marco Banderas reacting to a penis pump. I realized during this scene that I don't expect much of my female porn stars. They grunt and yell in porn-standard fashion, and they look pretty, and I'm happy. Why this image was compelling to me is because I believe it is real.
"Slime Ballin'" was fun and competently directed. And unlike "Transformers", in which gadgetry and effects did little to make a bad story better, at least Voss already had the tasty likes of Sativa Rose and Tiffany Sweet to flick the strobe light on and off on.
But the effects added nothing to the movie, and might have even been a distraction; he could have dispensed with Glo-sticks, put everyone in wigs, and called the same movie "Fuck Me in a Wig".
 Labels: metro, reviews
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 Studio: Metro
Director: Pat Myne
Cast: Missy Monroe, Christy Lee, Jada Fire, Kelly Wells, Eva Angelina, Alexis Amore, Sandra Romaine
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Such an iconic-sounding porn title as "X Rated" raises expectations and demands close scrutiny. As you will remember, Disney's "Rated G" created a similar groundswell and critics ultimately rejected it; too few wisecracking monkeys, one too many fat kids.
But this, Pat Myne's hundredth title for Metro Pictures, is a solid, dirty piece of work on its own, but also packs two extra discs' worth of AVN Award-nominated scenes Myne-d from Pat's catalog, ultimately presenting a package that lives up to the title in quantity if not in blow-your-face-out reimaginings and expansions of the porn genre.
Scene One (of six) begins with Latin desirables Alexis Amore and Eva Angelina. I didn't catch the guy's name, but I shall call him Lucky Bastard.
LB happens on the two masturbating in high heels on a just-steamed Porn Valley beige rug. The scene and scenario are much like any other shot in the same house on any other day or on the same day anywhere else, but some extra cash was shelled out for Angelina and Amore to work together.
Next comes Kelly Wells, whose rib-baring physique and sharp features leave no mystery to her; she is a vicious, dirty, well-coiffed suburbanite who resembles Lorraine Gary if Ellen Brody had done in the movie "Jaws" what her character did in the book of the same name. She takes on a HUGE black dildo before settling for the inevitably smaller carbon-based version.
Evil girl next door Christy Lee is in the bathroom; she pleasures herself. Like the other ladies in this film who seemed to be having a fine time just masturbating, she is soon joined by a dude who fucks her on the toilet and on the bathroom floor. The bathrooom looks clean enough, so the wholesome factor established by the fact she's in a schoolgirl outfit is maintained.
What sets this movie apart is the caliber of performances and the wattage of the stars. Aside from Lee who, let's face it, redeems everything by getting fucked on a toilet, all of the performers are well known and each performs her scene with a little extra.
Especially Sandra Romain. Romain is very sweet when the cameras are off but she will eat you alive when the tape starts rolling. Her scene is the most energetic. It starts as she cleans a room full of butt plugs with her mouth. Then she is thrown into a cage. Then the cage is shaken (also like "Jaws"), then she is double-teamed. It is the guys who look the worse for wear afterward.
Jada Fire is probably the reason the word "bootylicious" was invented. She is also the reason why I invented the term "squirtylicious".
Finally, Missy Monroe, dressed in such a way that would leave no one surprised by her intentions, engages in what is known as a blowbang. Monroe is, as of this writing, several months pregnant. We know for certain that it could not have happened on the "X Rated" shoot.
This movie starts well and doesn't let up. Within the realm of porn budgets and porn talent, with just enough attention - but not too much - paid to camera angles and costume and lighting and location, "X Rated" is a great porn DVD in the dying days of the porn DVD.
The eight extra awards-nominated scenes on the other two discs are icing on the cake. I haven't watched them yet, but I would have no problem loaning a single guy this movie, because there isn't a scene that wouldn't do the trick.
Labels: dvd, metro, reviews
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Studio: Metro
