 Studio: Hustler
Director:
Cast: Priva, Lana Violet, Alec Knight, Joey Brass, Lana Violet, Lily Li, Marco Banderas, Mia Lelani, Sean Michaels, Steve Taylor, Tia Ling
Orientation
by Gram Ponante.com contributor Eddie Adams
The next time you don't really feel like going to work, tell them you've come down with a bad case of Asian Fever.
If they get all nosey and up in your shit, explain to them that the symptoms of your mysterious ailment include sexually hostile and deprecatory views of the Far East, shaped by hundreds of years of European imperialism.
If those invasive pricks demand more info, tell them you just can't help these nagging outsider interpretations you're having of Eastern cultures, and the only "cure," it seems, is to watch some propaganda which posits that the Orient is constructed as a negative inversion (i.e. a proverbial vagina to your proverbial cock) of Western culture.
You'll have either just gotten yourself not only fired from your job, but "fired" from the city where you live as well, or a kick ass day off to watch the thirty-sixth installment of Hustler's long-running, culturally-tinged sexual power grab, Asian Fever.
All small talk aside, the girls in the flick are pretty attractive and they don't even seem to mind being co-opted into an awesome orientalist fantasy for the sexual gratification of white, male shut-in colonialists. And if you're quiet enough during Tia Ling's scene, you can actually hear Joseph Conrad sprouting a stiffy from the grave.
Labels: Alec Knight, asian, eddie adams, hustler, Joey Brass, Lana Violet, Lily Li, Marco Banderas, Mia Lelani, Sean Michaels, Steve Taylor, Tia Ling
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Kayla Paige, Veronica Rayne, Britney Amber, Eden Adams, Veronica Jett, Envi, Eric Swiss, Rod Fontana, Tony De Sergio, Dino Bravo
by GramPonante.com Guest Reviewer Chauncey Boyd
Get Smartass does an admirable job of matching the whimsical tone of the Get Smart franchise. As a knock-off, it’s closer to the 1965 Mel Brooks/Buck Henry series starring Don Adams than to the 2008 feature starring Steve Carell.
And that’s a good thing.
Here, the evil organization KAOS has become PENIS, and the good guys at CONTROL now work for KUNTROL. At the outset, PENIS has learned the identities of all the KUNTROL agents, seducing and sedating them one by one. Unfortunate for KUNTROL, fortunate for us. It’s up to Max (Dino Bravo) and Agent 69 (Veronica Rayne) to save the day.
For viewers familiar with the Get Smart series (and, really, why watch this if you aren’t) the plot of Get Smartass will seem surprisingly…spot on.
First to fall is Larabutt (Eric Swiss), seduced by the lovely Kayla Paige. She takes charge in the sack, in what will become a theme in the film: women seducing men. At least Larabutt manages to fit a few extra fingers inside Kayla before climaxing and passing out. Sure, his fall may be drug induced but, since I once fell asleep on top of my girlfriend after sex, it all makes sense to me.
Chief (Rod Fontana) is quickly seduced by blond cutie Britney Amber, who unintentionally could pass as his daughter, but who handles his thick member like a pro. Again, the women are in charge as the two sweat it up.
With agents falling one-by-one, Maxwell’s plan is to let himself get seduced but not sedated. Unfortunately for Max, he’s no match for temptress Veronica Jett, who seduces him like the others. And that’s the problem with Get Smartass; the girl-seduces-guy theme gets repeated over and over. Different girl. Different guy. Same scenario.
Two natural-breasted blondes give us a quick break from formula when they use each other’s thin bodies to practice their seduction techniques.. But then it’s back to formula when Agent 69 does double agent work to seduce evil boss Dr. Ho. Of course, Agent 69 quickly assumes her namesake sexual position in her quest to save the day.
Too bad more thought hadn’t gone into varying the sexual scenarios, but clearly much thought went into the rest of the film. The actors look their parts, and Dino Bravo does an impressive Don Adams. The filmmakers pay attention to wardrobe (right down to Max’s updated shoe phone), quirky music, and lighting, which is often stylish and sometimes flattering. Sure the hallway set in the opening sequence may be constructed out of cardboard, but you have to give director Stuart Canterbury an A for effort. Only Rod Fontana’s unexplained finger splint was a distraction, but the inappropriateness of it proves the point that the rest of the film, as a whole, works.
 Labels: Britney Amber, Dino Bravo, Eden Adams, Envi, Eric Swiss, hustler, Kayla Paige, parody, Rod Fontana, Tony De Sergio, veronica jett, veronica rayne
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Mike Horner, Cassandra Cruz, Kay;a Paige, Angela Stone, Emma Heart, Veronica Jett, Kissy Kapri, Van Damage, Marcus London, Dino Braco, Kissy Kapri
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Should this movie be reviewed on its own merits, as a story of a public official who can't keep his pants on, or should we think of it as a porn adaptation of real, though tawdry, events?
Well, the tawdrier the real thing, a pornic take on it almost seems to make the original look less harmful, as if a porn adaptation confirms how silly it is already. The same happened with Hustler's Da Vinci Load; it really improved on the book.
Mike Horner is particularly hammy in the role of New York Governor Eliot Splitz-her, and it is right and just that the adult industry still has some older performers around to add the right touch of Leslie Nielsen to parts like this one.
Students of history will be happy that Gov Lov pays attention to detail. The Governor is known as a man who cleans up the streets and, when he makes his assignations over the phone, is quoted a $4,000 fee.
But a porn movie unbound from its conventions, even if it is a topical movie like this one, won't fly. So Gov Lov needs to find other people to look at than just Horner and Cassandra Cruz as his special lady, thus trumped up scenes with different, vaguely-related pairings (Angela Stone as The Squirting Lobbyist, for example).
Unlike many hot-off-the-presses porn, however, this movie also has a bona fide B story. We meet two FBI surveillance agents, played by Van Damage and Veronica Jett, who get so caught up in the governor's shenanigans that they just can't help themselves.
 The Governor is well-known to the escort agency, and he is set up with Kristen (Cruz) and they get to know each other (after the required funds are deposited in the agency's bank account).
After their tryst, they have the following conversation.
"Now this is going to be our little secret?" he says.
"Of course," she replies. "No one will ever find out."
 As a movie specifically designed to be purchased by casual consumers, Gov Lov has all the porn world has to offer: speedy turnaround, a little humor, not too much talking, and some sense that these things could really happen. And Hustler put a little extra effort into the packaging, which is nice, since we're talking about people's lives here.
Labels: Angela Stone, Cassandra Cruz, Dino Braco, Emma Heart, hustler, Kay;a Paige, Kissy Kapri, Marcus London, Mike Horner, Van Damage, veronica jett
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Barely Legal Christmas
 Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Cast: Alexa Jordan, Aarielle Alexis, Nautica Thorn, Ashley Blue, Sasha Grey, Paulina James, Penny Flame
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The elfmaidens (Aarielle Alexis and Alex Jordan) feel that Santa is too traditional.
"Don't be gay," one says. "Girls don't want dolls, they want dongs. And boys don't want trains, they want to run trains - on girls like us."
This repackaging of five previously-released scenes with a Christmas wraparound dovetails nicely with the "Barely Legal" theme of letters to "Barely Legal" magazine, but in this case the letters are repurposed for Santa.
Sasha Grey is deemed "naughty" for breaking and entering to what she thinks is her teacher's house in search of test answers. Instead she must deal with the homeowner (Jerry) and, in exchange for him not calling the police, must perform sexual acts upon his person. Personally, I think this is a nice gesture that cancels out the naughty one, but Hey, I'm a Buddhist and we don't believe in Santa.
Then we read a letter from Ashley Blue sent in the ancient days of "Barely Legal 27". She, as Santa says, is a "filthy lying whore" for duping realtors into believing she wants to rent houses when what she really wants is to use them for sex.
Penny Flame courts a security guard for backstage passes and he is the same guy who owned the house Sasha Grey broke into. That was a nice house, too; how much do security guards make?
Paulina James relates a tale of a three-way with Steven St. Croix and Marco Banderas. I found it utterly implausible. Something about mail theft.
Finally, the elves convince Santa not to cancel Christmas by the only means at their disposal.
No one will confuse this movie for an instant classic, but the individual scenes are good enough, though some voiceovers are by the performers and others are by sometime-"Barely Legal" directrix Erica Mclean. It would be better if the series chose one or the other, because it is jarring to hear 19-year-old Sasha Grey read her letter but 50-ish Mclean read another. Mclean, of course, gives the series a touch of wistful remembrance a la Jeanne Moreau in "The Lover".
Alexis and Jordan are at a disadvantage in their scene because, aside from it being tacked on, it seems to have been hastily shot "just in time for Christmas" back in September. Oh well. Jizz the season.
Labels: Aarielle Alexis, Alexa Jordan, ashley blue, hustler, nautica thorn, Paulina James, Penny Flame, sasha grey
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Erica McLean
Cast: Jenny Hendrix, Faye Runaway, Alexandra, McKenzee Miles, Alexis Love, Aurora,
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Let's say every fourth of a porn series, such as Barely Legal or (make up hilarious porn series title for inevitable studio audience whooping sitcom joke here) is brilliant. This would tend to devalue the intervening three and capsize the line. So it's probably good that Barely Legal 75 is important just because it is rather than because it's great. More than any other series in porn, Barely Legal underlines the fact that all porn is good.
This 75th installment comes eight years after the late Clive McLean founded the series, and #75 was filmed by his widow, Erica, at their home in stark, scrubby, and altitudinous Sunland, CA. In addition to the video there is a bonus documentary about the series.
Perhaps symbolic of the movie's importance, the theme is a flashback. A group of girls get together around the pool to dish about their "first time". A plot bomb goes off almost immediately, as Jenny Hendrix talks about how her dad invites a local swain over to sunbathe nude at the family pool. "He's really hot," Hendrix extemporizes, adding, "and so's my dad."
Hendrix has explained that she walked down to the pool that day ready to go swimming, only to find her naked neighbor. Quickly she is undressed, stripping off her bikini top and bottom, though she is wearing panties underneath. If she was ready to go swimming, why is she wearing panties?
Even asking a question like this is so beside the point as to be meaningless. The point is that she becomes naked immediately. We shouldn't worry about how the dad should be jailed, or why the neighbor is sunbathing with an erection.
Next up is the bite-sized Alexis Love, who instead of relating her encounter with a greasemonkey, says "greasy monkey guy". Her partner looks positively ancient by comparison. Is this how we all look? (I am 22.)
The chipper, moon-faced and juicy Aurora is next, telling a tale of fucking "the help" at her parents' ranch. She has to be wearing Memphis Monroe's castoff clothing, including the Daisy Dukes. In fact, Aurora fully embodies the Daisy Duke spirit. In this thoughtful journalist's opinion, too many of the wrong people wear Daisy Dukes these days.
Regardless, an inexplicable tinny guitar soundtrack plays through this scene.
Hendrix is the ringleader, so she points to various of the girls around the pool for their stories. Until McKenzee Miles comes up, she has pointed to people and said, "You." I was on the set that day, and it is easy to remember why Hendrix knew some names but not others - because it's not as if everyone got together for a barbecue in the back field. Some people hung out in one building on the McLeans' property and others were around the pool or in another building. Again, does it matter that these women would never get together for a pool party in real life? No it does not.
McKenzee is supposed to be the wild one. She has a standard sex scene with Otto Bauer. While she is not wild, she appears just a little more substantive than Alexis Love. We can use her ribs as a xylophone.
Like so many porn movies, the best material in Barely Legal 75 is in the behind the scenes feature. Here McKenzee sits on a toilet while getting her hair done (it is an established fact that all the makeup and hair people in the porn industry should really be in front of the camera) and talks about how chocolate soy milk makes one's boobs grow, and how all one has to do to get to first base with her is to tell her she's pretty. It's a great interview, and it is revealing that the real people are more interesting than their characters.
In the next scene, tattooed imp Faye Runaway, the smallest of all the cast, is paired with the massive Lee Stone. Were Stone not such a gentleman, we would fear for Runaway's safety. My sister, my daughter.
Finally, Alexandra, the only Girls Only performer, leads the group in a lesbian orgy by the pool. Alexandra is tall and tasty, and it is a shame the girls have a monopoly on her.
A documentary disc accompanies this movie, which is well worth the purchase price, not only for the scenes, which are not surprising and therefore just as they should be, but also for the behind the scenes featurette, which is a great documentary on its own, all the women comfortable in the presence of Erica McLean.
The Barely Legal Yearbook bonus disc is a tribute to the late Clive McLean and his successors. I will cover that separately.
My visit to the set of Barely Legal 75.
Labels: aurora, faye runaway, hustler, jenny hendrix, lee stone, mckenzee miles, otto bauer
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Dave Road
Cast: Brittney Skye, Becca Bratt, Chloe April, Georgia South, Mande, Paula
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"Public sex is great; everybody should try it." - Becca Bratt
I hadn't heard of this series before seeing it, and was surprised. It borrows so heavily from (and improves on) the "Real World/Road Rules" playbook that I'm surprised Bunim/Murray hasn't closed down in shame after collapsing under the weight of its own nuisance lawsuits.
Adventure Sex follows a group of RV-driving Mass Communication grads as they attempt to have sex with pornstars and passersby in public places that might include national landmarks.
Where the movie improves on the "Real World" style is, of course, in the sex. When the "Real World" lands an attractive cast member all we want is to see him/her have sex anyway, so "Adventure Sex" delivers. Further, the casting seems similar: young, pop-aware, and very likely to regret this later.
Where the movie fails is in its reliance on the same kind of editing dominating MTV reality shows; self-conscious, too cool for school stuff. But that is from someone who hates "The Real World". If you love it, you will adore Adventure Sex.
This episode primarily features Becca Bratt, who is ready to go and up for anything. We see her giving a tentative blowjob at the University of Texas-Austin clock tower as well as getting bent over on the Grassy Knoll. She even gets it on at the Alamo.
None of these events are filmic coups. We are deprived of real money shot moments because the crew had to film behind the Alamo or had to wait until dark to film in the vicinity of where Charles Whitman once stood.
But the great pleasure of this movie is watching the team drive around. They roll joints in the bottom of frisbees and have their girlfriends lure game bar girls into the RV. It is far less creepy than "Girls Gone Wild" and, save for the useless commentary (of Charles Whitman, the sniper on the UT clock tower; "That motherfucker was insane. Almost as insane as me"), we really root for the group.
The group meets Brittney Skye on Bourbon Street and, as with the rest of the movie, there is an aborted scene on a (pre-Katrina) French Quarter balcony that quickly adjourns to a hotel room.
It's great to see porn shot outside of Porn Valley with people who look like they're having a good time. The movie also strives to be a travelogue for the Ritalin generation and mostly succeeds. Why this DVD took almost three years to hit the market probably has a lot to do with the fact that this production looks mostly self-financed; there's no money in RV porn.
Labels: becca bratt, brittney skye, dvd, hustler
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InTERActive
 Studio: Hustler, Teravision
Director: Quinn Roberts
Cast: Tera Patrick, Spyder Jonez, Jessica Jaymes, Hillary Scott, "Sammy"
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
It's not too early to call the best interactive title of 2007; it has to be InTERActive.
With just enough humor, special guests, and plot to help out, Tera Patrick's DVD makes the interactive genre appealing as both a standalone movie (Disc 2) and as a fully functional "choose your own adventure" porn.
This movie took about two years to make. Most of it was filmed in 2004, and then a pickup scene was shot in 2006, with no noticeable difference in look or feel (or Tera).
Directed with ease by Quinn Roberts, InTERActive features Patrick as (again) the wife of an unloving criminal, in this case a scenery-chewing (but hilarious) DeNiro impersonator called Sammy. On Tera's birthday, no less, Sammy decides to spend the day at the office, so she is stuck at home to fend for herself.
You come in at several key episodes ("You", by the way, are Evan Seinfeld, aka Spyder Jonez). You help Tera with her hose issues, you help her choose a bikini, you rub - or don't rub - suntan lotion on. Then Tera runs out of lotion.
"Oh, I know where I can get some lotion," she says. "A girl's gotta keep her skin nice and moist."
You can imagine what happens next.
Later in the day, Jessica Jaymes happens by. What are You going to do - kick her out?
Then Hillary Scott comes over (this segment was shot last summer) and she has a problem with condiments.
We do see Sammy again - and he is not pleased - but what is very pleasing about this DVD is that not only is the sex fun but so is the acting (well, Jessica Jaymes is kind of a weak link here, but it is Tera's show through and through).
Cross-promoting to the gaming demographic, InTERActive can be "won" after repeated viewings with new choices. The DVD then grants the viewer a code that can be plugged in for bonus scenes and other Easter Eggs.
It's fun to see Tera in charming and sexy mode, but why does she keep hooking up with these dudes who don't appreciate her?
Labels: "tera patrick", dvd, hustler, reviews, teravision
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Screenplay: Nelson X
Cast: Missy Monroe, Haley Paige, Frank Bukkwyd, Evan Stone, Joey Hart, James Deen, Eva Angelina, Jasmine Tame, Charlotte Stokely
"Ladies, every time you let a guy nut in your snatch just because he's a professional skater or drives a Mitsubishi Lancer with Chinese writing on the side, you are polluting the social soup."
This is one of several hilarious lines uttered—without cutaways!—in Hustler's soon-to-be-released "Da Vinci Load".
Dan Brown should thank "Da Vinci Load" writer Nelson X and director Jerome Tanner for adapting his execrable book for the proper medium: porn.
Operatives of the Priory of Semen, including penile profiler Dr. Nadia Saint (Missy Monroe) discover that Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa using his own sperm. Determined to resurrect Da Vinci and overjoyed that the master's sperm was not all "lost up a man's ass", they steal the painting and kill anyone who gets in their way.
This is already so much more believable than that whole Virgin Mary thing.
The actors often fall just slightly short of Nelson X's script, which is the most dialogue-intensive porn script since "Personal Best". Somehow this makes the tongue-in-cheek movie better.
Standout sex scenes are delivered by fleshpots Monroe, Hailey Paige, and Tory Lane, and Frank Bukkwyd and Evan Stone ham it up with gusto:
Monroe: So Da Vinci jerked off in his paintings?
Stone (as Professor Lee Teabag): It's just the way things were done!
Since AVN adds award categories each year the way the Great Salt Lake encroaches on Tooele, I hope that there is room for a Best Adapted Screenplay award next year.
I visited the set for this movie in December. Here are my thoughtful musings.
Check out a gallery here.
Labels: Charlotte Stokely, Eva Angelina, evan stone, Frank Bukkwyd, Haley Paige, hustler, James Deen, Jasmine Tame, Joey Hart, Missy Monroe
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