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Swallow My Children
 Studio: Metro
Director: Rob Rotten
Cast: Mercedes Santos, Marsha Lord, Sasha Grey, Heather Gables, Roxy Deville, Laurie Vargas, Whitney Stevens, Daisy Tanks, Brandi, Britney Stevens, Leighlani Red, Allison Pierce, Chavon Taylor, Faith Deluca, Kaylee Love Cox, Jocelyn Jaden
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Rob Rotten's Swallow My Children is a love letter to Acton, CA, which Rotten (because I can't find anyone else who says it) describes as "the energy capital of the world". Acton, situated on the wrong side of Magic Mountain and in the vicinity of various high desert nuclear tests, is like a blend of Los Angeles and a disaffected desert Hell. We should all live there in order to complete our transformations.
Rotten combines people from the neighborhood with many performers you've never seen before (or perhaps will never see again), along with the rough and ready likes of Sasha Grey, Alison Pierce, and Roxy Deville to present a blowjob movie that is so much more than a blowjob movie; it is like a little piece of punk art and something that should go on the Acton Chamber of Commerce's website.
Unfortunately, the movie was not shot in Acton at all, but in one of the standard-issue porn McMansions here in Los Angeles.
"Then why did you mention Acton?" I asked Rotten.
"There was this brand-new 18-year-old girl who was asking us a good place to visit in California," Rotten said. "I couldn't think of a worse place than Acton, so that showed up in the movie."
As "Acton" is mentioned early in the flick, and as Rotten improvised most of the ridiculous scenes with a variety of white trash characters, Swallow My Children seems like what The Kentucky Fried Movie would have been had fellatio been involved.
The movie is very silly, and Rotten has chosen performers that look sexy in natural light, in bare feet, with minimal makeup.
"I tell people not to come with the porn heels and the stupid porn bikinis," Rotten said.
Best line: "What are you doing in my tub? Maybe the piss can wait!"
There are also scenarios in which a blowjob is traded for the return of a retarded uncle's bike, an unlikely tryst on a roof with porn-ratty Tony Tedeschi, and some trampolines. After Dirty Harry's, the best line is: "Can I borrow your weight room? Mine's being worked on."
The secret to an effective porn movie (at least for a male audience) is juicy women having sex with loopy undesirables. Swallow My Children is an effective porn movie.
Swallow My Children, though everyone in it is tatted out with metal playing in the background, is so silly, well lit, and populated with healthy vixens that it seems wholesome. After all, isn't a blowjob the friendliest gesture one can make? It's when penetration happens that people get all possessive.
View a trailer here.
 Labels: bj, dvd, rob rotten, sasha grey
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 Studio: Amateur District
Director:
Cast: Karine Muller, Raissa Prado, Fernanda Alencar, Patricia Kimberly, Dane
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The term "sex tourism" has recently taken on as ugly a hue as "sex positive", wherein sex tourism is associated only with traveling to places for the purpose of sex with minors and sex positive means no fun at all. But Amateur District's Brazilian Bar Hopping is simply about the legal thrill of caipirinha-soaked evenings where all one worries about is a few Portuguese phrases and whether or not the leggy brunette at the bar is a tranny.
Such movies are made on the cheap in Rio and constitute a lucrative addition to the U.S. porn market with low overhead. There are no uppity directors, just cheap hotel rooms and some Brazilian hookers.
So where do we get the culture? Well, in America porn performers say "Fuck!" and "Ungg!" when you fuck them. In Brazil they say "Ai!" and "Ooeey!"
Such is the case with Raissa Prado. She doesn't care that the sheets are off the bed; she says "Ai!" anyway. And her uncredited partner is a gentleman; he kisses her thighs afterward and wipes the come out of her eye.
As the performers are (probably) aware that this is porn for a foreign audience, conversation is kept to a minimum, as are any porn tropes beyond the universal standard facial pop shot. For this reason the interactions seem more sincere and, though this is a horrible reverse stereotype, the Brazilian girls just seem to enjoy themselves more.
Witness Patricia Kimberly, whom I am moved to take away from there. I can treat her better than that guy with highlights.
A woman named Dane headlines the next scene which, like the others, begins in the bar of a strip club. Unlike the others, though, Dane stays thhere. Perhaps it is for this reason, the lack of creature comforts as provided by the dingy hotel room, that this scene fizzles. Dane's partner seems more into it than she does (though she does say "Gostoso!")
A woman named Karine Muller is serviced by a mane-tossing tool. I didn't know they had mane tossers in Brazil. You learn something new every day in this business.
Finally, Fernanda Alencar mixes things up a little by leading her partner through a different door to the same hotel room.
There was a lot of kissing and smiling in the movie, which was nice, and a lot of anal, which I suppose needed to be done because it was there. The simplicity of setting made it easier to concentrate on these all-natural, toned beauties. But it wouldn't have killed the nameless producer to have had one shot of Ipanema or some dirty favela sex, either; why call the movie Brazilian Bar Hopping if there's no creampies atop Pao de Azucar?
This movie needed to get out more. To paraphrase Murray Head: "One town's very like a nother when your head's down over your pieces (of ass), Brother."
Labels: "red light district", brazil, dvd, reviews
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 Studio: Madness Pictures
Director: David Aaron Clark
Cast: Mae Yung, Lucy Lee, Sin Nye Lang, Kylie Ray
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"All Oriental women are odalisks," David Aaron Clark quotes Flaubert in the opening of his "Legend of the Oriental Luv Motel". Odalisk is a Turkish word, referring to the girls that weren't yet refined enough to be in the sultan's harem. The French later added their refinements to the word and it has since become synonymous with a lounging, long-ribbed sybarite, but Clark revels in the first meaning.
Clark describes this work, shot over three years from 2002 to 2004, as "horribly artsy and self-conscious", even "grandiose", but his proactive acceptance of the most likely criticism dovetails nicely with the subject of this film, Clark himself, playing a character named Mr. Hentai who rents prostitutes at a Ventura Blvd. motel whose name he can't reveal due to the "dire consequences for myself and others."
It is my impression that in recent years frat and corporate culture has made the taking of prostitutes cool. Clark does not live in that world. His Mr. Hentai is both imperious and submissive; the only power he has over these ladies is what's in his wallet.
And this makes watching this movie both creepy and intriguing, because it gets to one of the many hearts of the sex-for-cash experience; it's not really about the girl.
He seemed okay down at the bar, so I went to his room when he offered to pay. Then he asked me to put on the dress.
Mae Yung (or Young, depending on which of the credits you put your round-eye faith in), admires herself in a mirror. She is wearing a dress the title card tells us she was directed to put on, and her slack look puts us in the frame of mind of hookers, a canvas mostly finished but who require just our input to make them "perfect".
Clark's love of Asian women, the more off-the-boat-seeming the better, often translates into our love for them, too. This first scene is a point of view (POV) scene, so we know Miss Mae is particularly here for Clark's benefit. It is his challenge to make us like his new girlfriend because it's his show - she, for one, doesn't look at all comfortable in the silk dress and high heels he's got her up in.
It does not seem the exchange goes well. The load delivered is not substantive. Then the title card puts Clark's words in her mouth. "I never saw him again. But he took the dress with him."
A pre-boob job Lucy Lee is next, poring over a querulous volume of forgotten lore and absently touching herself in the process.
Clark actually appears in this scene, and it is a triumph. He looks like a portly Cenobite, and he should be the poster-being for all those who claim to be sex-positive, since the meaning of sex positive has lately morphed into late-nite Cinemax. He does not look Porn at all, just a little dangerous, and of a Los Angeles that probably never existed (and it's sad that it didn't).
Clark is saying things to Lee as he fondles her. He is saying something about her smoking, but the sound is so bad the words get lost. It doesn't matter. Their exchange is as real as it gets, and the reality depicted is the satisfaction of commerce.
Finally, bachelorette number 3, Sin Nye Lang, arrives. "What would you like me to do for you today?" she asks.
"You're such a beautiful young woman," Clark says. "But you probably hear that all the time."
"Yes," she says, "but it's never enough."
"It never is enough for your type, is it?" he replies, and this gets a laugh out of her. This is short-lived, as she later plays at his cock with a straight razor.
A bonus scene features Kylie Ray in her first porn outing. The vignette begins outside, so already it is of a different mood than the others. But it is, again, a hooker scenario and Ray is a little more vivacious and accessible than her predecessors.
This movie is a series of scenes shot over several years, no real flow between them, but they do paint a vivid picture of Clark and what he likes, and who he is. It is fair to say there are people like him who don't have the guts to assert themselves, or at least to wear that leather trenchcoat in the Porn Valley heat.
Labels: "david aaron clark", asian, dvd, review
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 Studio: Bondage Orgasms (.com)
Director: Natali Demore
Cast: Natali Demore, Ashley Renee, Eden Wells, Harmony Rose, Natalie Minx, Katja Kassin
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The best pornography has always reflected the time in which it was created. How else would you describe why America's obsession with not shaving its pubes was so well-represented in 70's porn?
Our current healthcare crisis is given a frank look, therefore, in Natali Demore's Medical Pain Sluts, in which women (the "Sluts" of the title) are subjected to and inflict "Medical Pain".
The first vignette sets the scene. "Institutional Fraud" features Katja Kassin and Demore discussing how they defrauded both the penal and psychiatric industries by faking insanity to avoid jailtime. Luckily, they are thwarted by USA PATRIOT Act technology, as their conversation is monitored by Harmony, who looks positively Amazonian compared to the two barefoot scofflaws in her BDSM heels.
Harmony imposes a number of punishments on her wards, including the novel approach of smacking Katja every time Natali does something bad.
"Legs Open; This is for your own good" announces Demore in the next scene, "Multiple Personality Disorder", in which she is the nurse charged with helping Ashley Renee decide if she likes girls or boys.
The scenarios are darkly humorous, and sexy. Girl-on-Girl cruelty has more of a ring of truth about it because it seems like Friday night at the Saddle Ranch.
Diminutive director/star Demore told me that she "discovered" liking to bind, gag, and torture people, and that she was good at it. The femdom model is still not the first picture that comes to mind when people think of dominatrices, however.
"I think we have the element of surprise," she said.
Demore appears on top and on bottom in the final two scenes, first forcibly extracting information from Natalie Minx and then, in "Hypersexuality Aversion Treatment", finding herself on the business end of clamps and clothespins.
This video is furnished with the essentials: a room, a mattress, some mood lighting, and a nurse costume. It also features some fun gadgets, electrodes, and whirring things. That it is made by women who play with the archetype of the naughty nurse, improvising funny lines while putting their victims through the paces of rigorous punishment and training scenes, makes for viewing that is less bleak than hardcore BDSM fare that's all leather and dungeons.
Labels: bdsm, bondage orgasms, dvd, fetish, natali demore
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 Studio: Wicked
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Cast: Stormy Daniels, Brianna Love, Cassie Young, Delilah Strong, Katie Morgan, Kelly Kline, Nicole Sheridan, Sunny Lane, Eric Masterson, Evan Stone, Mr. Pete, Randy Spears, Voodoo
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
A couple is visited by ghosts of relationships past in order to deal with their current boy/girl woes.
It's tough being Jen (Stormy Daniels), so starved for a relationship that she can't have meaningless sex with a guy without telling him she loves him. And it's tough for Dave (Voodoo), who, when Stormy tells him she loves him, runs out of the room.
Wicked's latest couples' flick, written by Daniels and directed by Jonathan Morgan, aims to deliver the elusive mainstream movie - but with sex - that other studios aspire to. The mood is light and the sex is positive. But can the story sustain it?
Out in the hallway, Dave bumps into ex-girlfriend Roxy (Sunny Lane), who guesses Jen's problem right off the bat.
"How can you love someone who obviously doesn't love herself? She's so insecure, she sticks bags of poisonous water into her chest to get men like you to justify her womanhood."
Daniels' script is festooned with fun lines like this, and sometimes the performers pull them off and sometimes they don't.
"I was just trying to find myself," Roxy says of a previous infidelity.
"In someone else's vagina?" asks Voodoo.
Jen and Dave are visited by several of their exes in the course of the movie, and the flashbacks depict what made them exes in the first place. Randy Spears, Delilah Strong, Nicole Sheridan, and Evan Stone cameo as particularly oily characters.
If the movie has great ambition but doesn't live up to it, is it still better than a movie that doesn't even bother with a story? Hard to tell, but the effort makes The One a winner. After all, there are boatloads of Hollywood movies featuring actors who can't wrap their mouths around their dialogue but who don't compensate by wrapping them around anything else.
My only problem with the movie is that it is lit murkily. Very few scenes take place in the daylight for such a sunny film.
The movie ends happily, with both principals realizing that it should be easy to say "I love you" to a porn star.
Labels: dvd, reviews, stormy daniels, wicked
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 Studio: Naughty America
Director: Brett Brando
Cast: Sasha Grey, Satine Phoenix, Pinky Lee, Dana DeArmond, Adrianna Nicole, Lorelei Lee, Tommy Pistol
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
This movie features my personal Power Station, Cream, and Damn Yankees of porn, a tasty cast in a series of scenes that progress literally from dark to light (or at least from brunettes to blondes) as well as back in time.
Director Brett Brando put together a sequence of vignettes with setups that are just a little more complex than other gonzo movies, each playing to the strengths and whimsies of the people performing them. I can't think of a recent movie that was better cast with people I like, or that seemed to target my personal tastes as well.
Further, the progression of scenes was particularly thoughtful, as we will see.
Sasha Grey is a mopey teen. She wakes up in her makeup in a squalid Hollywood apartment. Her dialogue sounds like a bad MySpace page. "Sunset Strip?" she grouses. "More like Sunset Drip."
At this point I was ready to fast forward, because there was nothing to suggest this wasn't another of the breed of self-important Sylvia Plath porn scenes that was only funny unintentionally.
But then a biker enters in a cloud of dry ice and fucks her "hungry pussy".
The sex itself was just what we would expect from the precociously dirty Sasha Grey, who knows the lingo and delivers it poutily, as is the current fashion. But the scene is just slightly wacky, and it is that intent that makes it fun to watch.
The first scene is also the darkest of the movie.
Next comes Satine Phoenix as a restaurant manager who is having trouble with the help. Before she can fire her insubordinate employee, however, he tells her that what she really needs is to be fucked.
Even though we know this to be universally true, from diners to the Vatican to the International Space Station, it still seems a little uncomfortable to hear it, like a hoary porn trope that is part of the shorthand but still off-putting and past its welcome. That changes when Phoenix pulls her handyman over the bar and takes control of the scene.
The third scene is the most surreal and, when I take advantage of my Constitutional right to create an adult awards show, I will nominate Pinky Lee as Best Actress for her portrayal of a showgirl who fucks someone else's fan. The scene is silly and bittersweet, and Lee actually tap dances.
Then Dana DeArmond intercepts the man who has been surreptitiously leaving mash notes at her door.
"I know you!" she says sweetly. "You're my boyfriend!" Indeed it is her boyfriend Daniel, and their chemistry is apparent. Both act like they feel lucky.
Finally, Adrianna Nicole and Lorelei Lee, two punky blondes who can get up to some real graphic nastiness in other movies, are seen here braiding each other's hair in a superbly kitschy pink bedroom when both realize they are dating the same guy.
They spring a trap for Tommy Pistol, who plays a Brooklyn doofus.
It's not as if this movie was directed to the hilt, or stage managed to the nth degree. It is instead often wonderfully sloppy and improvisational, and the players seem to be having a great time. This in turn makes me happy, because I like it when people enjoy their jobs. Because so much porn can seem negative, or not the zesty enterprise I think it should be, I realize that I am exactly the target audience for this sort of fun, bubbly movie.
"You cad," Lorelei Lee ad libs.
"Did you call me a cow?" asks Pistol, and Lee laughs out of character.
The three end in a menage a trois-cum-pillow fight, free of "Come fuck my hungry pussy" and super-serious lines of that ilk. The movie makes you wonder what the sixth scene might have been had there been time for one. Naughty Flipside is the feel-good movie of the summer!
(Also, if the guy from Prospero's Books had been in it, it would be the Gielgud movie of the summer.)
Labels: adrianna nicole, dana dearmond, dvd, lorelei lee, naughty america, reviews, sasha grey, satine phoenix
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Seymore Butts' The Ass Farmer
 Studio: Seymore Butts
Director: Seymore Butts
Cast: Vanilla Skye, Honey DeJour, Veronica Jett, Veronica Rayne, Jordan Blue, Havana Ginger, Kelly Wells, Tom Byron, Herschel Savage
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
There's very few porn houses we know outside of the Playboy Mansion. Seymore Butts' is one of them. Located on the Valley side of the Sepulveda Blvd. hill, it was the setting for much of Showtime's "Family Businesss".
In The Ass Farmer most of the house is used, the camera being operated by Butts himself (he is retired from performing) in a manner both more familiar and less obtrusive than other directors who interact with their performers.
In The Ass Farmer the house is host to several pairings and triplings, all ass-scented for both the male and female performers.
Butts' metier is the ass, so this group of newcomers and veterans spends a lot of time there. Butts is a 90's-era director, therefore we are not subjected to clinical studies of the nether area, but we are privy to several spontaneous burts of emotion from performers who might not normally get their asses catered to so comprehensively.
It's important to remember, though, that at no point in the movie do we see a farm. Why this movie wasn't called The Ass Housekeeper is beyond me.
Notable scenes include a three-way between Herschel Savage, Veronica Jett, and Veronica Rayne and the finale between orthodontically fabulous Honey DeJour and Tom Byron. DeJour turns Byron inside out.
Labels: dvd, herschel savage, honey dejour, seymore butts, tom byron, veronica jett, veronica rayne
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Memoirs of a Madame
 Studio: Sinsation
Director: Dee and Shy Love
Cast: Shy Love, Lindsey Meadows, Brad Hardy, Vanessa Lane, Scott Styles, Cassie Young, Mikey Butders
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"I don't want to fuck fat old guys anymore," says Trixe, "I want to fuck rich fat old guys."
Since watching "The Mission" on HBO the other night, I have been fascinated with hookers and their hierarchies.
Granted, "The Mission" was about a Jesuit order in 18th century Paraguay, but the missionary followers of Ignatius Loyola share a great deal with Madame Shy, operator of a high class escort agency who just wants to get out, and Trixe, a two-dollar whore fixin' on replacing her.
What they share is Difficult Choices.
Sinsation Pictures releases artfully-shot couples' films with scripts and performers who are attractive in a way particular to hardcore couples' films rather than softcore couples' films. I came to this conclusion after seeing two people in a late-nite Cinemax movie who I'd just seen in a one-act play in Los Angeles. Does that mean that hardcore performers can't act? No, it just means that I wouldn't believe Shy Love as Nora in "The Plough And the Stars".
Anyway, the movie begins with Trixe (Meadows) in two scenes of play-acting. First she works out with her john in a seedy motel room. A slap-bass soundtrack reminiscent of a Stephen J. Cannell montage sequence plays over their dialogue, full of dirty porn-standard patter that somehow sounds like taunting:
"You like me Baby?"
"Yeah I like you. Am I the biggest you ever had?"
"Yeah Baby, you're the biggest. Am I warm and wet enough for you?"
"Yeah Baby."
Through my own exhaustive research with cheap hookers, I have found that none were as slight as Trixe, and not a single one wore fishnets. After the deed is done, Trixe looks in the mirror and practices curbside pickup lines, finishing with:
"Hey, how about you pay me a lot of money to fuck you in your mother's car and pretend you're not a loser?"
The scene switches to Madame Shy, embodying both Mr. Rourke and most of the characters Danny Glover has played: she's in a white suit and she feels like she's getting too old for this. She is looking for a replacement as a Madame.
In a tribute to softcore "bordello" movies, Shy's manner is imperious and her words are clipped. "Leave us!" she snaps to her attendants as a favored customer enters. I don't know, I have a feeling that the adult industry plays at prostitution in the way that performers of Asian extraction play at being schoolgirls. I'm sure Heidi Fleiss never said "Leave us!"
Introduced to Madame Shy, Trixe rises fast in the organization. But the other girls are jealous about being passed over by a newcomer. This also happened to Chief Justice John Roberts. Trixe breaks their spirit and builds them back up in her image by getting fucked with a strap-on.
Technical aspects of Sinsation Pictures' products are still not first rate. The soundtrack is of the type that can be purchased along with certain editing programs, and at one point it is sped up ridiculously fast to accommodate the ending of one scene and the beginning of another. And we still hear the echos common to a movie set poorly insulated from the warehouse around it.
But they are trying hard, and directors Love and Dee lend their own performing experience to staging excellent sex scenes. And the movie ends better than "The Mission" does.
Labels: dvd, lindsey meadows, reviews, Shy Love, sinsation
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Dave Road
Cast: Brittney Skye, Becca Bratt, Chloe April, Georgia South, Mande, Paula
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"Public sex is great; everybody should try it." - Becca Bratt
I hadn't heard of this series before seeing it, and was surprised. It borrows so heavily from (and improves on) the "Real World/Road Rules" playbook that I'm surprised Bunim/Murray hasn't closed down in shame after collapsing under the weight of its own nuisance lawsuits.
Adventure Sex follows a group of RV-driving Mass Communication grads as they attempt to have sex with pornstars and passersby in public places that might include national landmarks.
Where the movie improves on the "Real World" style is, of course, in the sex. When the "Real World" lands an attractive cast member all we want is to see him/her have sex anyway, so "Adventure Sex" delivers. Further, the casting seems similar: young, pop-aware, and very likely to regret this later.
Where the movie fails is in its reliance on the same kind of editing dominating MTV reality shows; self-conscious, too cool for school stuff. But that is from someone who hates "The Real World". If you love it, you will adore Adventure Sex.
This episode primarily features Becca Bratt, who is ready to go and up for anything. We see her giving a tentative blowjob at the University of Texas-Austin clock tower as well as getting bent over on the Grassy Knoll. She even gets it on at the Alamo.
None of these events are filmic coups. We are deprived of real money shot moments because the crew had to film behind the Alamo or had to wait until dark to film in the vicinity of where Charles Whitman once stood.
But the great pleasure of this movie is watching the team drive around. They roll joints in the bottom of frisbees and have their girlfriends lure game bar girls into the RV. It is far less creepy than "Girls Gone Wild" and, save for the useless commentary (of Charles Whitman, the sniper on the UT clock tower; "That motherfucker was insane. Almost as insane as me"), we really root for the group.
The group meets Brittney Skye on Bourbon Street and, as with the rest of the movie, there is an aborted scene on a (pre-Katrina) French Quarter balcony that quickly adjourns to a hotel room.
It's great to see porn shot outside of Porn Valley with people who look like they're having a good time. The movie also strives to be a travelogue for the Ritalin generation and mostly succeeds. Why this DVD took almost three years to hit the market probably has a lot to do with the fact that this production looks mostly self-financed; there's no money in RV porn.
Labels: becca bratt, brittney skye, dvd, hustler
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 Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Various
Cast: Adriana, Josie, Ibisa, Sammie & Lelina, Melissa
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
When one has stacks and stacks of porn movies in an office that smells like stripper-grade melon body spray, and when each movie must compete by means as superficial as a title and a boxcover photo, then it is easy to understand why often esoteric criteria like "context" need to be trucked in in order to review movies that, but for the happenstance of their placement at the top of a pile, might be identical to competing companies' product below them.
That is why I had a small problem with the environment of Pink Visual's Loca Latina Sluts 2. All the company's movies are culled from its Internet projects, so each movie is a compilation. This movie is a compilation of compilations in that each of the scenes is from a different type of movie but that happened to have a Latina in the scene.
So one scene was shot for a MILF website, one was about "lesbians", and another featured the hockey-masked Gang Bang Squad (the latter was disturbing because it seemed like a South of the Border Friday the 13th where Jason got to fuck girls rather than kill them) (come to think of it, wouldn't it have been better had Jason done that instead? He would've gotten that aggression out of his system in half a movie).
The movie also suffers a bit from the Yappy Gonzo Director Syndrome; we don't want to hear how hot you think someone is - if we're not fast-forwarding through the scene we already know. Shut up already.
All that aside, the talent is tasty. The movie opens with Adriana outside a Porn Valley Swap Meet. Originally shot for a MILF project, the scene focuses on Adriana's age (34), her divorcee status, and the fact that she has a seven-year-old son. Can she come back to the studio for awhile before she goes home to fix dinner? Sure. Sex ensues. It's important that it did.
Central-American Ibisa is picked up at the Catalina Ferry dock. She is taken out on a boat on which Shane Diesel is also a passenger. Ibisa was not at her most charming (I hope) that day, but any scene with Diesel is jaw-dropping; his cock is almost as big as mine.
What made me pick this movie was the photo of Josie on the cover. Natural, small-breasted, and juicy, Josie wears a white thong and a black do-rag. The cover picture, alas, is not replicated in the movie. Instead, Josie meets the Gang Bang Squad, which isn't known for its Algonquin Round Table repartee.
"Suck that dick," one masked squadder demands.
"You mean the one that's already in my mouth?" I wish she would have said, in a thought balloon.
Q. Grams, what if Loca Latina Sluts was the only porn movie you had ever seen? Would you still have so many reservations?
A. No. In that case it would have been The Greatest Movie of All Time for the sheer number of Mouthalicious Meowry contained therein. And it's still good - it's just that the hockey masks freak me out. And would it kill them to have at least one crazy lady?
Labels: dvd, latina, pink visual, reviews
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Kinky Cock-Tales
 Studio: Jazmin Media/Ninnworx
Director: Jazmin Jones
Cast: Stacey Silver, Zoe, Daria Glower, Tarra White, Ashley Robins, Victoria Rose, Sandra, Natalli Di Angelo
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"At a wine bar near you, six frends gather to share erotic stories."
So begins Jazmin Media's "Kinky Cock-Tales", a couples' film featuring many beautiful Euro models (none of whom is identified) acting out the tales of your wine-besotted friends. As you can imagine, there is a smoky-voiced narratrix who tries mightily to unsexify the proceedings, and she nearly does, finally being thwarted by my mute button.
Allegedly one of Jazmin Media's selling points is the UK-based company's attention to music; husband and wife team Marcus and Jazmin craft scenes according to the music she has written. While the soundtrack does not get in the way, it is not the high point of this movie. Rather, the competent and often*-unsparing camera work more than compensates for the narration and busy post-production effects that take away from the movie while attempting to make it seem "classy".
*Experimenting with split screens, double images, and picture-in-picture effects, the filmmakers forget that the viewer wants to see parts made bigger, not smaller.
My favorite scene was the first one, starring a woman who reminded me of Hope Davis had "Next Stop, Wonderland" not panned out.
The Classics Professor's tale involved two Roman dudes, Julius and Maximus, hanging around the baths. They see a woman emerge from the water and abide by the When in Rome rule.
Other vignettes involve trysts at the gym, a Sapphic encounter, and a last-fling-before-the-wedding liaison that thankfully takes no cues from Screech.
I admit that I was prejudiced against this film immediately upon hearing the phrase "wine bar". That and the NPR food critic narration made me become adept at fast-forwarding. Still, aside from the setups, the fact that there is no real kink involved, and the utter absence of a cock in one scene, "Kinky Cock-Tales" is worthwhile without the sound.Labels: dvd, euro, jazmin media, ninnworx
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 Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Rico Strong
Cast: Julie, Kaci, Sammie, Kinzy, Veronica Rayne, Emily Evermore, Lexi Lamour, Ethan Cage
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
This Internet-to-DVD series is one of my favorites because, when the right couple is involved, one is fairly certain that when they aren't collecting fees for their work, they are picking up girls at the gym anyway.
Such is the case with real-life couple Lexi Lamour and Ethan Cage. The scenario of an older (well, she's in her 30's, which is darkly erotic in our metropolitan areas) woman luring the 19-year-old Kaci to her home for a post-workout "protein shake" is almost feasible.
Kaci feigns surprise that Cage comes to pick the ladies up in his Honda. "I thought you said you weren't married," Kaci gamely protests.
"Oh, he's the one who makes the protein shakes," Lamour says.
If you lived in Southern California for at least three weeks and had breasts, it is likely the very same thing would happen to you.
Once home and with honest-to-God protein shakes delivered (in wax cups), Kaci is still shy.
"You seem intimidated," the confident and amiable Lamour says. "But you're in good hands."
"Am I?" Kaci asks.
The first scene of these movies is always the longest. It is usually the only one that bothers with an extended setup, establishing for the rest of the movie the dance long-term couples must do every goddamn time they lure home a teen.
But this movie takes its time with each interlude, which makes the title better.
Lamour dons a strap-on and Kaci reveals she has two pierced nipples and a tongue stud. "You're no innocent teen," I spat. One has the sinking feeling that this was all planned. Further de-hoisting my suspension of belief was Kaci's "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" t-shirt, ubiquitously available at the Erotica L.A. and AVN conventions.
Reality aside, if you're in the steam room and Lamour approaches, do anything she says. Get in the car with her and do anything she says.
Next up is Michelle and Reno scouting for Julie, who they find outside a panaderia selling nuts for a school trip. As intriguing was the backstory, I fast-forwarded. The interesting thing was that Julie probably made more money with this scene than she would have selling trinkets in a parking lot.
The Couples Seduce Teens series has evolved a little since the last time we visited it. A little more attention is paid to a throughline, and it pays off. The setups don't take the audience for granted, either; no one believes this is really happening, but the reactions are fun to watch.
Especially when potential babysitter Kinzy comes by to Veronica Rayne's house to find her and her husband, Joe (Pink Visual keeps budgets low by not identifying any of the couples in the credits and reducing the teens to single names ... this is infuriating) in the hot tub naked.
"Sorry," they say. "Whoops."
The couple quiz Kinzy on her sexual activity.
"Is this a question you should ask babysitters?" she asks.
"Well, I don't want to come home and find you and your boyfriend having sex on the couch," Joe replies, his dick hanging out of his towel. "Not that that would be bad."
Kinzy is the most reticent of the teens; she takes some working on. At the end, she finds that the couples' "babies" are dogs. It's sweet.
Lexi and Ethan are back for a tryst with Emily Evermore, who they find at Porn Valley's Pierce College. If Kinzy was reticent to the point of being a little boring, Evermore breaks her innocent character now and then with porn tropes like "How do you like that pussy??"
A movie that tries its best to conform to the tenets of reality porn, Couples Seduce Teens 6 succeeds through the exertions of its horny couples, even if the girls they pick up don't seem worth the effort. Myself, I would have just stayed home with Lexi or Veronica. Jesus. Who needs teens?
Labels: dvd, pink visual, reality, reviews
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 Studio: ClubJenna/Vivid
Director: Justin Sterling
Cast: Jenna Jameson, Janine Lindemulder, Justine Joli, Justin Sterling, Manuel Ferrara, Julian, Dominica Leon, Jerry, Reno, Nicole Brazzle, Veronica Lynn, Cherokee, Sativa Rose, Tommy Gunn, Katja Kassin, Vera Vanguard, Nauduia Nice, Horace, Mario Rossi, Envy, David Lavern, Dolph DeBernenal, Vincent Vega
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Janine Loves Jenna is the most anticipated porn movie of the past several years. It was made in 2005, which is like 1989 to you and me.
It is a movie with a moral: no matter how distraught you are after your limo driver doesn't pay attention because he's watching you fellate your partner in the back seat and wrecks the car, killing her, it is a sin to kill oneself.
(A clarification was suggested by a Vatican II scholar. Suicide is no longer considered a mortal - meaning Hellbound - sin, but a grave sin which is up to The Man Upstairs to judge. I will gracefully defer to God in determining ClubJenna's fate.)
The suicide in question is Miss Jenna Jameson, and her recent real-life worries make a movie about her "journey through Hell" seem ripped from the headlines. Just remember, though, that this film opens with a fatal car crash and a suicide. Are you hard yet?
Like all porn movies and rock videos dealing with the underworld, the place is sexy. Dudes in red capes wave censers while Janine goes down on Justine Joli. Jenna, an initiate, is then brought into the threesome. If this sounds abrupt, it is. No sooner has Jenna slit her wrists in a bathtub of despair that she winds up in Hell (which is how it works in the Bible, too) and in a sapphic menage a trois. Abrupt also characterizes the shots; we don't hold long enough on any one image to get a rise out of it.
If it hard enough to believe that a tryst with Janine and Justine Joli would occur in Hell, it is unfathomable that Jenna gets on top when the dildos come out.
Janine explains (and it is revealed that Janine was the dearly fellated departed in the limo) that she understands this place, and it is not Hell per se, but its vestibule. And she knows how to get out. They plot their escape. Janine points to a monitor where there appears to be a Kink.com scene going on.
"Don't let that distract you," Janine says.
For some reason, Jenna and Janine, wearing kimonos and wielding parasols, hook up with some dudes in a rain-soaked alley.
Then, at the Deadly Sin Diner, the girls are in shiny bikinis and encounter a waiter reminiscent of guys one meets at adult webmaster conventions. He recommends Lust with a side of Greed. Katja Kassin makes greed look good.
Finally, the girls reach Hades himself. He decides to take Jenna for a spin, as the depravity around him has grown boring. Seriously, if pornfolk paint Hell as a crazy joyride of mindless fucking that they want to escape, how would they define what they do for a living?
One way to escape Hell, the film reveals, is to look hot naked (this also works for speeding tickets). Jenna wakes up in her bloody bathtub, somewhere before or after wrist-slashing, and has the film's best scene with Janine here in the real world, complete with choking and candles in the butt.
I will not tell you how the film ended. Not because I feel spoilers are wrong in porn movies but because I didn't understand it. Did she commit suicide or didn't she? Justin Sterling finds her in the bathtub. He seems sad about it.
Janine Loves Jenna pairs a generation's last porn superstars. They are the same age as women who in gonzo movies would be considered MILFs, but Jenna and Janine retain the glamour expected of early '90's performers.
Why producers thought that what will probably be the final super twosome (unless Jenna makes a movie with Tera, which seems unlikely) should be set in a BDSM Hell rather than, say, having the two be hardened but sexy cops is beyond me, but my picture of Hell has always involved people I don't want to have sex with.
Solid acting (especially from the guy who played the Devil), sex scenes that get better as the movie goes along, and a great couple of scenes from two fan favorites make J Hearts J worth watching. The locale, however, is beneath them.
Labels: clubjenna, dvd, janine, jenna jameson, MILF, reviews, vivid, wgl
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Asia Carrera 4 on 1
 Studio: VCA
Director: Bud Lee, Henry Pachard, Justin Sterling, Nic Cramer, Wesley Emerson, others
Cast: Asia Carrera, Joel Lawrence, Steve Hatcher, Jonathan Morgan, Gwen Summers, Bridgette Kerkove, Alexandra Silk, Christi Lake, Crystal Gold, Brian Surewood, others
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
This box set of four movies is a hit or miss collection that nevertheless captures Asia Carrera and her generation of porn talent in the crazy late 90's, when Toyota's RAV 4 was first becoming popular.
Carrera shares the long-leggedy and exotic look of Tera Patrick and Sophia Santi, but Carrera was a little softer, too, and in several of the movies in this collection she shows off some formidable (considering the competition) acting chops.
The first movie, "Hollywood Hookers", is really a Christi Lake movie with an Asia Carrera scene in it That's OK, because we get to see the sassy Crystal Gold and Lake tooling around in a DeLorean AND Brian Surewood before he became a pirate. Carrera's scene amongst the desert rocks is very tasty, but the collection doesn't kick into high gear until -
- the second movie, "Betrayal". This film, directed by Bud Lee and shot this week exactly ten years ago, is reason enough why Lee, once Carrera's husband, is considered one of the great porn directors. Filmed from a smart and efficient script by Dow Jones and George "Fozzi" Kaplan, "Betrayed" stars Carrera as a woman whose husband won't pay attention to her until she fakes breast cancer.
While it is strange to see what was to become a masturbation scene begin with a breast lump exam, the movie features believable performances from Joel Lawrence (now the owner of Goldstar Modeling, an adult talent agency) and Steve Hatcher, who in this movie looks like Nick Drake, had he lived.
The dialogue is thoughtful ("Maybe I should be sick all the time," Carrera says as she takes advantage of her sickness to lay her girlfriends, the carpenter, and Hatcher's best buddy, played by current Wicked director Jonathan Morgan), and the only thing that took away from an otherwise exemplary porn feature experience was the lite classics soundtrack.
Though possessing a less-tight script than "Betrayal", the final movie of the set, "Asia Is in Too Deep", written and directed by Wesley Emerson, features the best performances and the most eye candy. The only movie of the four with a moral (Be careful what you wish for), "Deep" tackles the issue of husbands wanting to see their wives with other women and what happens when the wives like the other women better.
Featuring juicy performances by Gwen Summers, Allysin Chanes, Bridgette Kerkove, and Ava Vincent, as well as solid acting from Herschel Savage, this movie pushes Asia off to the side a little. By this point in her career, she had developed a strange Gillian Anderson method of elocution that involved a lot of teeth.
Still, though, it was a pleasure watching these features, and there is no doubt why the beautiful Carrera was a star, eclipsing the fame of the Hollywood celeb (Tia) she took her porn name from. Try that, Britney Rears; Carrera is one of the stars in the porn firmament.
Though I enjoyed "Hollywood Hookers", the real gems in this collection are "Betrayal" and "Asia Is in Too Deep". But Carrera is the type of person you could watch fold laundry and it would still be worthwhile.
Labels: "asia carrera", dvd, reviews, wgl
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 Studio: Metro
Director: Pat Myne
Cast: Missy Monroe, Christy Lee, Jada Fire, Kelly Wells, Eva Angelina, Alexis Amore, Sandra Romaine
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Such an iconic-sounding porn title as "X Rated" raises expectations and demands close scrutiny. As you will remember, Disney's "Rated G" created a similar groundswell and critics ultimately rejected it; too few wisecracking monkeys, one too many fat kids.
But this, Pat Myne's hundredth title for Metro Pictures, is a solid, dirty piece of work on its own, but also packs two extra discs' worth of AVN Award-nominated scenes Myne-d from Pat's catalog, ultimately presenting a package that lives up to the title in quantity if not in blow-your-face-out reimaginings and expansions of the porn genre.
Scene One (of six) begins with Latin desirables Alexis Amore and Eva Angelina. I didn't catch the guy's name, but I shall call him Lucky Bastard.
LB happens on the two masturbating in high heels on a just-steamed Porn Valley beige rug. The scene and scenario are much like any other shot in the same house on any other day or on the same day anywhere else, but some extra cash was shelled out for Angelina and Amore to work together.
Next comes Kelly Wells, whose rib-baring physique and sharp feature | |
Studio: Metro
