Minivan Moms 7
Labels: Andrew Andretti, Donny Long, Jade Davin, Kala Prettyman, MILF, Natasha Stone, Northstar, Sheila Marie, Sienna West
Studio: Northstar
Director: Oliver Ashe
Cast: Andrew Andretti, Donny Long, Jade Davin, Kala Prettyman, Natasha Stone, Sheila Marie, Sienna West
By Gram Ponante and Joanne Cachapero. Portions of this review first appeared in XBiz Premiere.
Gram Ponante: Joanne, we were specially solicited to review this numerical release from Northstar Associates …
Joanne Cachapero: And it was very nice of the folks at Northstar to send us one of their videos, and I’m glad they sent a title that otherwise might have been overlooked. There’s a tendency to pay more attention to bigger releases or specialty content. “Minivan Moms #7” is your basic All-American porno.
Gram: While I hadn't seen the previous six titles in this septology, I threw myself into Volume Seven expecting a lot of loose ends to be tied up and to feel a sense of completion. Sadly, the movie expects a lot of its audience, with none of its performers appearing in minivans or even making reference to their offspring. It should have been called "Older Women Desirous of Gram's Spendings on Their Faces and Necks."
Joanne: That’s funny, because I would have titled this movie, “How to Bang Your Horny Delivery Man/Gardener/Neighbor Guy.” This movie dares to be what Bravo’s “Real Housewives of Orange County” could be, if the those reality show soccer moms would quit whining about their fucked-up kids and credit limits, and use their collagen-injected lips to work a big, giant dick. Ratings would shoot through the roof!
Really, though — this title pretty much perfectly caters to the fantasy of the sex-starved, older woman niche. What she lacks in youthful desirability, she makes up for in experience and a voracious, hormonally-driven desire to be fucked — I could totally relate to that and I don’t even drive a minivan.
Gram: And neither do they! The first scene features the ridiculously tasty Sienna West, who can't seem to arrange bananas on a plate without rubbing them all over herself. She is interrupted by her neighbor — luckily, otherwise she would probably get some sort of potassium-based yeast infection from the peels.
Joanne: Eew, Gram! I must interject — lovely Sienna doesn’t get that far with the banana — but you’d like to be that banana and get rubbed all over her big luscious breasts. This was probably my favorite scene, because of the easy dialogue between Sienna and her horny neighbor who brings over a mistakenly delivered package … and his big penis.
Gram: What you say here is, "… who brings over a mistakenly delivered package … and delivers a package of his own." Jesus, where's your copy of the XBiz Style Guide?
Joanne: It was strangely believable; I mean, if you were really horny and you’d been eyeing the guy down the street, and he showed up on your doorstep one day … I guess it wouldn’t be that far-fetched to invite him in for a soda and then flirt until your tits popped out of your dress. Sometimes situations just happen …
Gram: Jo Jo, you seem unable to admit that choice is a factor here. Don't get all Linda Lovelace on us. Next up is Kala Prettyman. I thought, "Here, at last, we will have some backstory." But no: she just looks all juicy in a rented back yard. She pours bottled water on herself and suddenly there's a guy licking her buttocks. I've seen Kala Prettyman before, and thought that would be a good name for a transsexual performer, but this woman is relentlessly heterosexual. Relentlessly, Joanne. Relentlessly.
Joanne: You can say “relentless” again. Kala demands to be fucked by Pike Nelson like she just ordered him up from Dial-A-Cock. With no reason for why he shows up in her backyard, imagining that he’s a male escort is as good an explanation as any.
Gram: You might say, "Oh, you're going to be like that and talk about how the title has nothing to do with the movie. What does that matter if the pornography is good?"
Joanne: Yeah, I might say that …
Gram: Well, I'd argue that "The Godfather Part II" would still have been a great movie had it been called "To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday," but I still appreciate Francis Ford Coppola's thoughtfulness in titling the movie with a hint of what was actually in there.
And then you might say, "Well Gram, maybe the term 'Minivan Mom' has become so much a part of the culture that the filmmakers chose to not be so literal about it. Did you want them to go out and rent a minivan? Did they need to say, 'My kids will be home any minute'?"
And I would answer, “Yes.”
Joanne: Fair enough, but if you really want to over-analyze what is meant to be a simple skin-flick, then you have to acknowledge the minivan as a metaphor for the end of everything that is reckless; the ultimate symbol of 9-to-5 life with a couple of kids running around the house. Is there anything more practical than a Dodge Caravan? It’s a buzz kill on wheels…
Gram: This is what happens, Jo Jo, when one watches porn movies instead of jerking off to them. I end up thinking about them.
Joanne: Well, maybe you should jerk off, then.
Gram: I am — just keep talking.
Joanne: Oh, Jesus! Try not to get any lube on your keyboard, sweetie.
Gram: No problem. I have the intern type my reviews. My favorite line in the movie is Natasha's. She has just lured the landscaper into the house and he is slapping her ass.
"That's a housewife ass," she says. "It's not very — "and then she is interrupted. I wondered what she would have said. What would you have said?
Joanne: “It’s not very … long before I have to leave to get the oil changed in the minivan and then pick up the kids from school.” Would that have made you happy?
Gram: Yes, Joanne, and thank you. My final analysis of this movie is that it didn't need to be all that good to be effective. I could sometimes hear the camera operator fumbling with the equipment, but who cares? The women looked great and the men weren't a distraction, which is the key to good porn in 2008.
Joanne: I’d argue that a lot of people have thought those elements have been key to good porn since they first showing penetration on-camera.
I have to mention the last scene with Sheila Marie, which is unusual because she plays a Mexican housewife and speaks Spanish to handyman Christian throughout their performance. At one point I heard someone telling her to give up more Spanish dialogue, to which she replies, “Si, si, mi mucho gusto, papacito …” Despite that little flub, it’s still a good scene.
When you watch a lot of porn, there’s a tendency to want to make more out of it than it sometime needs to be. “Minivan Moms #7” is just what you need to bust a nut with the added interest of older women. There doesn’t need to be some big premise or subplot or backstory — four simple scenes, and there’s nothing wrong with that, baby.
And at least the ladies in this movie actually look like MILFs, as opposed to some other videos, where any girl over the age of 25 is lumped into the MILF category. I know a lot of guys get off on the fantasy of a hot middle-aged mama (and they can feel free to contact me at the magazine).
Gram: [Sigh] I just wish there had been one minivan.
Watch Now: Mini Van Moms 7 Video on Demand
Buy Now: Mini Van Moms 7 DVD
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posted by Gram the Man
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6/10/2008
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