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 Studio: Loaded Digital
Director: Anton Slayer
Cast: Gina Lynn, Eva Angelina, Dani Woodward, Marco Banderas, Bella Starr, Celeste Starr, Shawna Lenee, Cherokee, Lee Stone
The boxcover and packaging of Loaded Digital's Surrender the Booty 3: The Search for More Arse - in fact, even the title of Loaded Digital's Surrender the Booty 3: The Search for More Arse - seem to have required more concentration on the part of producers than the actual movie did.
Kudos to Loaded Digital for making what amounts to porn's version of Scary Movie 3. If Scary Movie was a ripoff of Scream, and Scream was a ripoff of slasher movies, then the Surrender the Booty series is a ripoff of Pirates which is a ripoff of Pirates of the Caribbean which is a ripoff of a Disneyland ride.
 I guess to be a true comparison with Pirates there needs to be one more iteration, like if Surrender the Booty were made into a ride at a Playspace within the Chatsworth McDonalds.
Full disclosure: I think I even ripped off my own review by writing the above.
Regardless, there is hardly any dialogue in this movie, save for a Behind the Scenes featurette in which we hear Cherokee's alien voice, a voice no one would expect to come from someone like Cherokee. The beautiful Cherokee has a voice that made me think, "I am as surprised by that voice as if a mailbox started talking to me." Rent this movie for this, if for no other reason.
 The only indication that STB3 is a pirate movie is the presence of triangle hats, hairpieces, and various props (which is good enough), but the plot, such as it is, exists only on the boxcover copy:
Ahoy Mates! We embark on another erotic journey in search of more arse. And there be no better arse than Gina Lynn's, as she makes men draw their sword and fence with the best of 'em. Also, Eva Angelina is back to show you once again why she is one hot, busty wench! After sailing the seven seas, Marco Banderas discovers a finer treasure at Shawna Lenee's port. Celeste Star and Bella Starr give a stunning girl/girl performance as they dig each other for buried treasures. So, raise ye anchor, and get ready to blow your cannon! Arr!
Based on this, you'd think there was an actual story, right? Nope. There aren't even the minimal setups you'd get in the lowest-rent Stoney Curtis gonzo movie. No, all that money went into the costumes and the box art.
 And the girls. Everyone looks great in this movie, and that it took me this long to actually get to the girls indicates two things:
1. I am a lazy person preoccupied with other things.
2. Porn is really ONLY about girls, and everything else is playing dress-up, sometimes really expensively.
Cherokee, Eva Angelina, Gina Lynn, and Dani Woodward all look delicious in this movie, even if no one says a goddamn thing about treasure, mateys, parrots, or pirates in the whole movie. There is also a scene that involves a vibrator that looks like an ear of corn which, true to the movie's mission of trying only as hard as it needed to, was not called an Arr! of corn.
 Obviously a ploy to steal some shelf-space mojo from its more expensive Digital Playground counterpart, STB3 isn't a better movie than Pirates 2 (or 1), but seven minutes in, the average viewer will have lost interest in the difference anyway. Then he will clean himself off and upload the movie to a torrent site.
Read my Pirates 2 review here.
Watch Surrender the Booty 3: The Search for More Arse NowLabels: anton slayer, Bella Starr, Celeste Starr, Cherokee, Dani Woodward, Eva Angelina, Gina Lynn, lee stone, Marco Banderas, ripoffs, Shawna Lenee
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 Studio: Metro
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Syren, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, Wendi Knight, Brick Majors, Violet Luv, Jack Hammer, Samantha, Brandon Iron, Nick Orleans
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
As you know, the last two horror films set in northern California were John Carpenter's The Fog and Corey Haim's The Lost Boys. So I was half giddy with excitement about James Avalon's AVN-sweeping 2000 movie Les Vampyres.
Castrated men are washing ashore along the scenic Pacific Coast Highway. None of them is John Houseman's Mr. Machen. In the opening scene of Les Vampyres (the only porn movie ever to name-check Peter Ueberroth), we watch as a three-way goes horribly wrong for a poor fellow who finds his junk bitten off by two women he probably thought were his friends
After the credits roll, we meet earnest couple Jenny and Clint (Jewel Valmont and Joel Lawrence), celebrating his job promotion by spending the weekend at a cozy resort. They bump into the uber-creepy Veronika (Syren), Victoria, and Vivian, two-thirds of whom we just saw biting some poor dude's cock off (the poor dude was played by Brick Majors, Brian Surewood's brother). The trio invites the couple to dinner, and they accept.
But back in the room the couple change their minds and decide to order room service instead.
"She had a strange aura about her," Jenny confides. "She made me feel ... different."
Not to worry. Victoria and Vivian are out looking for man-flesh, and boy do they find some, luring a hapless voyeur into some cock-biting.
Veronica has her heart set on Jenny, but Clint, like me, thinks Veronica's loopy.
"But I'm drawn to her," says Jenny. "It's a ... longing."
Meanwhile, now les vampyres have offed a doofus cop who alone was on to their shenanigans. But Clint is also suspicious. Unfortunately, like the other dubious men in the movie, his reservations are not strong enough to resist their temptations, in Clint's case, a sexy vampyre in the shower.
When Veronika finally gets Jenny alone, she informs the quivering blonde of her secret past. And when Jenny is hip to her own supernatural resume, it's curtains for Clint.
Avalon was and is a talented director who makes his stars look their best. While Syren doubtless did the best she could, it is painful to hear her deliver lines. As if anticipating this, a lot of the incidental male parts are just as hokey. Les Vampyres is a very juicy and cable-ready horror porn that holds up well lo these eight years.
Watch Les Vampyres Now
Buy Les Vampyres NowLabels: "james avalon", Brandon Iron, Brick Majors, horror, Jack Hammer, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, metro, Nick Orleans, Samantha, Syren, Violet Luv, Wendi Knight
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 Studio: Metro
Director: David Aaron Clark
Cast: Ange Venus, Mr. Marcus, Coco Velvett, Destiny, Lana Violet, Myla Montez, Dick James
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
Trent (Mr. Marcus) wakes up in his own body, uncertain of who he is. He sees only the slick suit, the police badge, and the sidearm. He's in a bad part of Los Angeles, the kind where dreams don't come true, and he's getting drunk-dialed by a mostly incoherent Oriental Black Widow (Ange Venus), who beckons the amnesiac into her evil sex trap warehouse.
Her evil sex trap warehouse, I add, where things aren't as they seem. Sex is happening there. Black men on Asian women sex (Dick James and Lana Violet). And does Mr. Marcus start having flashbacks? Does he know, now, why he's here?
Asia Noir 6, like the best low-budget porn movies, succeeds because it follows certain rules and does not stray from its own economy. For example, most of the important dialogue is in voiceover, which Marcus delivers convincingly, a late-night DJ mixed with a dude you don't want to mess with.
The noir aspect is also not overwhelming. Director David Aaron Clark realizes that the audience has to see (please tell this to Wicked Pictures), so the noir is more in the mood and the skin tone of the performers than in the lighting.
In the evil sex trap warehouse, Marcus stumbles on a sexual encounter. His LAPD instincts returning, he mostly watches. But when it looks as if things will get ugly for the Destiny, he acts. But the girl disappears, and now Marcus has murdered Dick James.
Meanwhile, Ange Venus continues her cryptic phone calls. Myself, I would have fled, but Marcus is dogged and patient. He continues patrolling the evil sex trap warehouse until he finds Coco Velvett, who is a secretary "down the hall." Spookily, Velvett's hair is down on one floor and up on the next. Ange Venus' dialogue coach must have been handling the continuity.
Velvett fills Marcus in on what goes on in the building. There's an Import/Export business on this floor and a porn studio, Velvett whispers, in the basement. Marcus gets himself down there fast, where he meets Myla Montez, who doesn't have to try too hard to seduce him.
I am not making excuses here, but the awkward readings of heightened dialogue by some of the actresses gently nudges the overall creepiness of the movie. It is rare that bad line readings in a serious porn movie actually work. But here they serve to increase Marcus' -pardon the pun- disorientation. When working with a limited budget, any tool in the shed is helpful.
Upstairs, a frightened Velvett has dreams about Marcus, even as he works on Montez below (so "below" is Marcus' work on Montez that she doesn't take her shirt off). But girls keep disappearing after they've been serviced by black men in this movie, and Montez vanishes.
Marcus gets dressed and finds Velvett being throttled by Destiny, a strap-on succubus. He's not a very good cop. Must call William Bratton and tell him that there's a homicide detective in L.A. letting nice girls get strapped by ghosts.
Destiny, Montez, and Venus are, you see, an evil ghostly trinity bent on vengeance for a crime Trent committed in the conscious world.
When Trent finally figures it out, things have gone irretrievably creepy, and it is too late. He discovers the part he has played, and why he is at least partly responsible for the events. Of course, the vindictive spirits might have forgiven him, but vengeance is a bitch.
See also: "Okay, Mystery Caller, deal me in": On the set of Asia Noir 6
Watch Asia Noir 6 Now
Labels: "david aaron clark", ange venus, asian, Coco Velvett, Destiny, Dick James, Lana Violet, Mr. Marcus, Myla Montez
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 Studio: Spice Studios
Director: Zenova Braeden
Cast: Amanda Emino, Regan Reese, Daphne Rosen, Krissy Kage, Cassidy Blue, Katja Kassin, Pia Kaamos, Anna Mills, Nikki Vega, Kaiya Lynn, Gianna, Kitty, Lystra
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
Slutty goth and/or emo college students with no respect for the dead break into a monastery and its adjacent cemetery, stirring up a creepy naked ghost. But is it a good creepy naked ghost or a bad creepy naked ghost?
Director/co-writer Zenova Braeden and producer/co-writer Bob Johnson put together an atmospheric and at times genuinely spooky movie that has no lack of fleshy, fetishy sex throughout. One of the best things that can be said about a movie is, "Well I suppose it's plausible..." And this one is!
As the interlopers make their way through the building, they are tailed by Lystra, channeling every recent Japanese horror spirit in her erratic movements, uncombed hair, and her tendency to pop up in unexpected places.
Lystra as "The Ghost" seems to infect her prey with visions of all manner of BDSM sex until the couple, too, fall prey to it. It isn't made entirely clear why the ghost has this mission, but ours is not to question a good thing. So Yes, Gilligan, she is a good, good ghost.
DVD extras include a special Ghost Masturbation Scene. My inner third-grader asks: What comes out if they ejaculate?
See also: See The Taunting, then you drink
Watch The Taunting NowLabels: Amanda Emino, Anna Mills, Cassidy Blue, Daphne Rosen, gianna, horror, Kaiya Lynn, Katja Kassin, Kitty, Krissy Kage, Lystra, Nikki Vega, Pia Kaamos, Regan Reese, spice, zenova braeden
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 Studio: VCA
Director: Max Bellocchio
Cast: Tonisha Mills, Lynn Lemay, Patricia Kennedy, Caroline Monroe, Lois Ayers, Beatrice Sall, Vivian, Elizabeth, Allesandra, Ron Jeremy, Rocco Siffredi
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
You'd think that if a sexy vampiress were to have a choice of where to bite her porn movie victims, it would not be the neck. But you would also not guesss that Ron Jeremy could so completely disappear into and inhabit a role as in his interpretation of a worm-eating hunchback in 1993's "Ejacula."
Shot in a castle somewhere in Europe with a German and Italian crew, Ejacula details the exploits Ejacula (Patricia Kennedy) and her consort (Rocco Siffredi) and their faithful hunchback as they have sex parties, chow down on delightful, fleshy Tonisha Mills, and somehow move through the sunlight without burning to a crisp.
The plot doesn't make too much sense but it also doesn't get in the way, and Method Man Ron Jeremy acts up a storm.
The real discovery for this smitten viewer is Mills, who suddenly de-Springerized the name "Tonisha" for me.
Watch Ejacula Now
Buy Ejacula NowLabels: Allesandra, Beatrice Sall, Caroline Monroe, Elizabeth, Lois Ayers, Lynn LeMay, Patricia Kennedy, rocco siffredi, Ron Jeremy, Tonisha Mills, Vivian
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 Studio: VCA
Director: Michael Black
Cast: Madison, Gail Force, Ashley Dunn, Teddi Austin, Brandi Blaxxx, Tom Chapman, Ted Wilson, Don Fernando, Cameo
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
With a title like Vampirass, I was surprised Suspiriass didn't show up a week later. But what do I know?
I decided to transcribe Rick Blaine's script:
Darkness
SFX: Single wolf HOWL over RAINDROPS
CUT TO:
INT. RICHMAN REAL ESTATE OFFICE
NIKKI RICHMAN is on the phone.
NIKKI
I don't care. I want that listing. Got it?
NIKKI hangs up and immediately begins masturbating. When she is done, the phone rings
SFX: Phone RINGS
NIKKI
Yes, I am the agent for the Delmonico Estate. What a coincidence. I was just thinking about the former owners.
CUT TO:
INT. Delmonico Estate
This video (shot in 1993, it's actually a video on DVD) is filled with pleasant associations. Bright VHS-style lighting, pubic hair, the type of dialogue and editing that will forever be associated with porn movies, and - something I haven't seen before - a sequence where the camera cuts to a guy's face as he says "Ahhh! Lick it off your lips!" and then cuts to the woman's face and holds for two seconds before he comes. It was as if his dialogue actually came later but was inserted before the cumshot by mistake. Fun!
Vampirass is really, really bad. But you know how things have devolved to the point that people say, "It's not 'so bad it's good' bad but actually bad"? Well, this movie fits into that Can't Stop the Music category of So Bad It's Good. I have a feeling that everyone who made the movie (and everyone who subsequently watched it lo these past 15 years) was high.
Especially a woman named Madison, who plays a witch in one of the few flashbacks that actually pertains to the plot (the rest are just excuses for sex). Madison can't seem to get the ants off herself. It shouldn't be funny. It is probably tragic. But everything was funny if it happened a decade and a half ago. Remember the L.A. riots? ROFL!
Turns out the woman who once owned the house was Vanessa (Teddi Austin), who abandoned the home under mysterious circumstances (we see in a flashback what those were). Now her old friend Nikki (Gail Force) has the home listing ("It's the least I could do for Vanessa" she says - ?) and is showing it to a third old friend (Ashley Dunn), who explains that she got $30 million in a divorce, as well as a mulleted bodyguard.
After touring the home, which includes a visit to a room where "Vanessa did rituals" ("This place gives me the creep," Dunn says) Nikki and Dunn go to work on the bodyguard, as the same wolf sound effect repeats in the background. Always be closing, Nikki!
The girls figure out a way to bring back Vanessa from limbo, but crazy Madison has ripped out a page from the spellbook and Vanessa comes back bearing bad news. Since the ritual wasn't followed to the letter, everyone is a vampire!!!!!!!LOL!
SFX: Wolf howls
INT. BASEMENT DUNGEON
The women look up at the camera and they now have vampire teeth.
FREEZE FRAME
CAPTION: We'll be back
Of course they never were. Vampirass is a fantastically awful movie. I think Eon McKai and Jennifer James are remaking it as Vampirasss.
Watch Vampirass NowLabels: Ashley Dunn, Brandi Blaxxx, Cameo, Don Fernando, Gail Force, Madison, Ted Wilson, Teddi Austin, Tom Chapman
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 Studio: Rodney Moore
Director: Rodney Moore
Cast: Caroline Pierce, Rucca Page, Kylee Reese, Claire Dames, Nikki Rhodes, Samantha Sin, Amber Rayne, Rodney Moore, Christian
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
A security guard (Christian) responds to a call at a hilltop house. Getting no response to his knock, he enters and looks around. No one appears home. Suddenly, a dozen topless female zombies (led by Zombie Queen Caroline Pierce) appear and rip off his clothes, shouting "More come! More cock!"
I really don't know why this is supposed to be scary, because I can't recall anything more wonderful.
According to scientists, sperma-rays from a passing comet have infected women to the point that they will sap a man of his most precious bodily fluid, and the only way to neutralize the sperm zombies is to squirt whipped cream in their mouths.
"Let's go fuck them up," says a quartet of zombie hunters sequestered in another part of the house.
This is a ridiculous and delightful porn movie that is light on effects and plot but heavy (sometimes especially heavy) on game women unafraid to walk around like zombies bellowing "More coooooock." It is like the movie every eighth grader wants to make.
Why are all these juicy women shuffling around the house and how did they get there? It just doesn't matter, because once the sperm zombies are dosed with whipped cream, they become very affectionate toward each other. Symbiosis.
As the credits rolled on what I thought was a blissfully short movie, I noticed some names, like Amber Rayne's, in the credits that I hadn't seen in the movie. I realized I had a faulty DVD. Tinkering with it yielded the first half of the movie which now acted as a prequel to the part I'd already seen.
In the beginning, we see Rayne as the sperm disease's Patient Zero, and her post=blowjob shuffle across the hills of Chatsworth screaming "More Come! More Cock!" ranks as one of the most vividly realized performances in this awards season.
With a fun surfbilly soundtrack, Night of the Giving Head is great background fare for any over-18 Halloween party.
See the Night of the Giving Head party coverage here.
Watch Night of the Giving Head Now
Buy Night of the Giving Head NowLabels: amber rayne, Caroline Pierce, Christian, Claire Dames, Kylee Reese, Nikki Rhodes, Rodney Moore, Rucca Page, Samantha Sin
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 Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Ali Joone
Cast: Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Evan Stone, Jenna Haze, Katsuni, Steven St.Croix, Tommy Gunn, Belladonna, Stoya, Riley Steele, Ben English, James Deen, Sasha Grey, Gabriella Fox, David Aaron Clark, your mom, Shyla Stylez, Shawna Lenee, Abbey Brooks, Brianna Love, Brea Lynn, Rhylee Richards, Charles Dera, Mick Blue, Manuel Ferrara, Marco Banderas
Men coming on each other; Jesse Jane pulling a Belladonna on Belladonna; Wholesale Chinese and Armenian stereotypes; David Aaron Clark eating a turkey leg; Slavery; The delightful squishiness of Shay Jordan (not to be confused with this ); About as many sex scenes as there were men on the Edmund Fitzgeral; And "The Biggest Adult Production In History."
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
 Here's how much money went into "Pirates 2." When I opened the 4-disc box, three crisp hundred-dollar bills slid out. There was a code on Disc 1 that allowed me half off a 2008 Saturn Vue at the Porn Valley Galpins. There were free helicopter rides to the Van Nuys airport, and either Stoya or Riley Steele is contractually obligated to deliver your "Pirates 2" personally, wearing nothing but your family coat of arms or company logo bodypainted across her eager frame.
But I only speak from personal experience. Your mileage may vary.
A movie of excesses, "Pirates 2" is also an earnest attempt to be a family comedy – much like the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies were, except with rimjobs in it. There are portions of the script devoted to loyalty, believing in oneself, and sticking up for friends that would not be out of place on "Hannah Montana." That these elements appear discretely between scenes of guys coming on each other (just from a porn angle, "Pirates 2" is dirtier and riskier than your average mainstream adult movie) was an uncomfortable marriage of childish themes with very adult ones, as if Digital Playground were trying to let the Sarah Palin demographic know that fisting was "super."
The first joke told by anyone who writes about porn (and a joke he is under the mistaken impression of thinking he has invented) is the one about the sequels. It goes like this: "Whoriental Sex Academy 4 addresses the vital questions left unanswered by Whoriental Sex Academies 1 through 3."
"Pirates 2," on the other hand, really does pick up where its predecessor left off, cannily depending on familiarity with (and perhaps ownership of) 2005's "Pirates" to figure out who "Serena" was and why Captain Evan Stone and First Mate Jesse Jane are searching the Caribbean for her. (Just so you know, Serena is Janine Lindemulder's character from the original. She doesn't appear, Jo-rel or Ben Kenobi-like, in "Pirates 2," however).
An adventure that leads from Jamaica to the (Armenian owned and operated) slave markets to the high seas to the netherworld, where Katsuni's magical Blue Pearl reanimates Tommy Gunn's Stagnetti, "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge" really is all over the place, and anyone who expects the story to make sense is, I guess, expecting too much. Ditto for the CGI. The pirate hunters' animated ship moves through animated water, leaving no shadow and displacing none of it. The massive worm slain by Belladonna is about as realistic as Jesse Jane's boobs.
But if the big effects are not even to the standards of late-night Sci Fi Channel fare, the sex and the scope of "Pirates 2" are far beyond what you expect and deserve as average porn consumers. You expect an awful porn script? Here you get one that actually expected something of the actors. You expect scenery chewing from the men? Evan Stone and Steven St. Croix ably comply. You want Jesse Jane and Belladonna to fuck the living daylights out of each other? Check.
Not only that, but the strenuous sex scenes we saw in the theatrical (yes, "Pirates 2," like its predecessor, debuted in a theatre) release are extended in the DVD set. So the thrill you got to see added footage of Minas Tirith when the "Return of the King" Extended Edition came out you can now feel when you see even more of Belladonna's colon.
 But in other areas the sheer quantifiables of the movie are distractions. The Stagnetti of the title is, despite Tommy Gunn's performance, useless. He appears toward the end and, as it turns out, anticlimactically. Katsuni's incoherent black widow character was both evil and had boobs. Stagnetti wasn't necessary. The same goes for Sasha Grey. Sure it makes sense for Sasha Grey to be in the biggest porn movie of the year, but her presence and character are as tacked on as when everybody in class has to be in the school play, so suddenly Snow White has 40 dwarves.
And why was Shay Jordan not listed on the box? Her performance was wonderful. And why was Stoya only in a group scene? Both are criminal acts. Further inexplicability is achieved in non-speaking, non-fucking roles for Ange Venus and Adrianna Nicole ("I fell asleep on set," Nicole said.)
Regardless, we persevere. We remember that "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge" is a porn movie – and an excellent porn movie - with all the usual limitations even if, as shouted from the boxcover, it is "The Biggest Adult Production in History." We still have four DVDs worth of delightful, turgid nudity.
See coverage of the "Pirates 2" premiere here.
Watch Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge Now
Buy Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge NowLabels: "digital playground", belladonna, Ben English, epics, evan stone, Jenna Haze, jesse jane, joone, Katsuni, Riley Steele, Shay Jordan, Steven St.Croix, stoya, Tommy Gunn
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 Studio: Wicked
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Stormy Daniels, Mikayla Mendez, Annabelle Lee, Jenny Hendrix, Roxy Deville, Scarlett Fay, Sophia Santi, Tori Black, Aaron Wilcoxxx, Barrett Blade, Barry Scott, Derrick Pierce, Evan Stone, Johnny Castle, Rocco Reed, Voodoo
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
A couple fucks in a day-for-night desert as Wicked's vampire movie, The Wicked, opens. After putting on her clothes, she realizes she is alone. "Where are you?" she panics in the emptiness. "This isn't funny anymore!"
Well, who said it was ever funny? She is soon dispatched with, a 28 Days Later-style burst of screams, blood, growls, and an out of control camera. Wicked vampires!
As the opening credits roll past the unfortunate woman, we meet a Volkswagen Bus full of adventurers. Among them is Kaylani Lei, off to the desert for a weekend concert after finding her boyfriend in bed with a hooker (Jenny Hendrix). I don't know why she got so mad - doesn't she know that Jenny Hendrix is Good Times personified and no threat to Real Love?
Then we meet Baby and Otis (Stormy Daniels and Derrick Pierce), shifty types who've suffered a breakdown in the desert. Luckily our heroes happen by to pick them up, though only the driver (Barrett Blade) seems to think it's a good idea. Another passenger is Voodoo, a conspiracy buff cautious about weirdness in the desert. He is not taken seriously. In fact, the drive is so fraught with manufactured tension that we wonder why any of these people are friends.
Everyone is so nice to look at, though, that I guess it doesn't matter if they like each other.
The porn talent pool is so small, and the contract star system so limiting, that chemistry is hard to find, even in a population that has interfucked so often. One thing going for The Wicked is Blade's and Voodoo's chemistry with Lei, Tori Black, Scarlett Fay, and the other females in the cast. And, when they're allowed, Daniels and Pierce find room for "character" work.
Chemistry or no, the gang is edgy after a long drive, and strange things are happening in the middle of nowhere. Worse still, only Daniels' and Pierce's sex scene is filmed in natural light; everything else shows up in cold blue or red. This can only detract from excellent scenes between Voodoo and Fay and Blade and Lei.
In her motel bed, Kaylani dreams of being ravished by vampires in the desert (including Sophia Santi). Then she goes to a strip club with her pals and lets loose. Oddly enough, some of the characters from her dream show up as strippers! You wouldn't expect to find such high quality strippers in such a remote location, either.
There's other odd things going on in Desert City. Regardless, Kaylani and Barrett get over their friction and learn to love each other. Napping in the car, however, Kaylani again dreams of the vampires. Voodoo gets more agitated and, once the crew arrives at the concert, the stage is set for a bloodbath, as the vampires show up en masse for their solstice feast.
But it isn't scary. Shouldn't it be? Maybe the market suggests otherwise.
Since Wicked makes so many gauzily competent movies that seem to avoid actual inspiration, I wonder if sales figures indicate that being too good or too edgy or - in the case of a vampire movie - too scary might hurt business.
The Wicked's twist ending attests to the fact that a movie with great production values and a competent yet derivative script is Wicked's way of suggesting mainstream movies without actually ripping them off, a la Pirates. But what's the matter with an outright porn ripoff if it's good? The Wicked is a good porn movie but the vehicle of its story - the horror! - falls flat. I think it's the condom policy.
Watch The Wicked Now
Buy The Wicked NowLabels: Annabelle Lee, Barrett Blade, Derrick Pierce, jenny hendrix, kaylani lei, michael raven, Mikayla Mendez, Roxy Deville, Scarlett Fay, sophia santi, stormy daniels, Tori Black, Voodoo, wicked
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 Studio: Pink Visual
Director:
Cast: Shane Diesel, Envy, Cherry, Dana
by Gram Ponante.com contributor Eddie Adams
Citizens On Patrol
I have to be honest, when I first saw the title for Pink Visual’s latest foray into porn perambulation, I thought it was needlessly elaborate and indicative of the method by which this country so often turns public services into bureaucratic Byzantine labyrinths. I mean, is our need for micromanagement so irresistible that we require a group of people to specifically and solitarily patrol the backsides of women who crave interracial sex? Didn’t the Federal Body Inspector (F.B.I.) craze of the 1980’s have this area sufficiently covered? At the very least, the group that sanctions these kinds of specialties surely could have slightly expanded an already existing patrol set (the trusted Mixed Race Task Force, anyone?) to cover this niche. Do we have to go as far as arming suitcase pimps with copies of Max Weber literature in order to educate them about how this kind of excessive categorization can spin out of control? Does a Porn Postmodern Dystopia sound like anything you want to get used to??
Still skeptical, I decided to watch the movie. It turns out that the daily duties of this particular squad involve a lot of fucking. In fact, I discovered that there’s enough sexual shenanigans in the fifth installment of Interracial Booty Patrol to make the once-bawdy Police Academy franchise look like training videos for the Khmer Rouge.
Somewhere along the line, I started to feel more confident about what lead officer Shane Diesel and his squad of roving boners were trying to accomplish. These guys (and gals) work pretty tirelessly, providing the kind of assurance I needed to feel comfortable funding this sort of project.
And, from what I can tell, their special brand of apprehension and interrogation is completely transparent, with cameras everywhere, not unlike those on the front of your average patrol car (but instead it’s basically attached to some guy’s taint, and he’s vigorously fucking a morally pliable female). And besides, the same dudes who ostensibly patrol for suspects also do the hard labor here, so there’s a nice consolidation of skills (a breath of fresh air in this age of the aforementioned micro-diversification), which makes me think that they don’t just have dollar signs in their eyes, they’re really just genuinely interested in netting and jackhammer-screwing young girls who happen to enjoy a darker shade of dick, which is both noble on their part and reassuring to me.
Put this one next to your classic copy of Cops, Bloopers & Pranks, to show friends and family that you trust in our boys in blue, but don’t get all aggro about it.
Watch Interracial Booty Patrol, Volume 5 Now
Buy Interracial Booty Patrol, Volume 5 NowLabels: eddie adams, gangbang, pink visual, race movies, shane diesel
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 Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: jessica drake, Jenna Haze, Brad Armstrong, Shyla Stylez, Angie Savage, Ryder Skye, Jennifer Dark, Jada Fire, Lana Croft, Gianna Lynn, Michelle McLaren
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
Fallen answers the question: How many angels can dance on the head of your penis?
"Yes. Right in that little fuckhole," says Jenna Haze in the opening scene of Fallen, a guardian angel-out-of-grace tale from Wicked. But I don't think it's relevant to the story.
drake plays Haze's guardian angel, and when Haze dies in a freak elevator crash, drake feels guilty for screwing up at work. You see, Haze's boyfriend, played by Armstrong, was going to ask her to marry him that night, but Haze decided to go home instead - via elevator.
While it is not lost on this turtlenecked cineaste that Haze died while going down is a metaphor for angels in general and the state of porn in particular, what is odd is that drake, a supernatural being, gets stuck behind a locked apartment building door.
"It was my job to protect her," drake says, a feather falling to her pointy white angel boots. "And I failed."
This was four years ago, and drake has been fired. Still immortal, she drifts toward the dark side, feeling no love "from above."
Can she be redeemed? Will she turn her back on heaven? That is the theme of Fallen, and not the theme of Dirtpipe Milkshakes 2.
drake visits the seedy, smoky, and dimly lit (a Wicked trademark) fleshpots of Los Angeles after musing prettily atop a building with the L.A. skyline behind her.
Poor drake. Now that she is no longer an angel, the cops think she is a hooker. But then she meets Armstrong, the former boyfriend of dead Jenna Haze. He is a bike messenger now, and they bump into each other when he spills coffee on her. Another metaphor for what he will eventually spill on her? You're goddamn right.
But lonelyhearts Armstrong is the innocent side of drake's new life. She still needs to purge herself of the fleshly temptations she has enjoyed since her wings were clipped. She stops by Jennifer Dark's house to watch her getting reamed.
Finally she goes on a date with Brad. At his house she notices a photo of Haze, her lost charge. She freaks out.
"I took the stairs for months after that," Armstrong says. "Even after they fixed {the elevator}."
The coincidence is all too weird for the fallen angel. She returns to a life of debauchery, blowing Herschel Savage on his cab, inserting things into Angie Savage, and saying things like "it's all too weird."
Fallen sometimes bows under the weight of its own earnestness, and the dialogue at times falls flat, but both drake and Armstrong acquit themselves nicely to a script that leaves lots of room to make her look glamorous, him look sensitive and easygoing, and us believe there is a God who lets His ex-employees go to orgies and stick dildoes in Angie Savage.
The movie resolves in a twist ending. I don't know if couples actually watch porn together or if that is a myth, but Fallen proves itself to be a satisfying and well-shot high-end porn with a moral: don't step into an elevator after saying "fuckhole."
Labels: angie savage, brad armstrong, Gianna Lynn, Jada Fire, Jenna Haze, Jennifer Dark, jessica drake, lana croft, Michelle McLaren, Ryder Skye, Shyla Stylez, wicked
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Studio: Loaded Digital
