 Studio: VCA
Director: various
Cast: Asia Carrera, Savannah, Vanessa Del Rio, Juli Ashton
by Gram Ponante.com special correspondent Eddie Adams
Use Your Allusion
Hey, everybody, we’re getting the old band back together, the one that absolutely killed it at the San Fernando Valley Fair in 1980!
In order for this potentially awesome statement to work as an accurate allusion to VCA’s “A Deep Inside 4 Disc Box Set” (a nice little package of smut remembrances of Juli Ashton, Asia Carrera, Savannah and Vanessa Del Rio), at least two belief-suspending non-truths would have to be at play:
1) There would have to be an event called the San Fernando Valley Fair. Sadly, there is not. What might be a nice way for porn folks to play a little Stand the Bottle and
Shoot Out the Star (did the original fair aficionados hire a horny teenager to name all of their tent games?), would, in actuality, be an organizational nightmare (Porn Valley is 345 square miles and six different cities). Besides, another county fair of sorts a few hundred miles up the freeway from Porn Valley has surely provided more folksy corniness than a couple of slack-jawed yokels huffing glue behind the Zipper could ever hope to muster.
2) In re-imagining these four classic beauties as musicians in a rock n’ roll band, it would only be right to designate each of them with an instrument. If I were going for bawdier humor here, I might say something like “get ready for a plethora of skin flute solos,” but I’ll forgo the dick jokes and stick with my rock band allusion. I’m pretty sure this quartet would be unstoppable with Carrera on lead guitar and vocals, Savannah on second axe, Ashton on bass and Del Rio on the skins (another opportunity for boner humor passed up). It puts a whole new spin on your masturbatory tendencies when you imagine them within the hierarchy of a rock band.
This sort of works as an even larger allusion concerning the overarching similarities between rock musicians and porn performers. I mean, at the end of the day, is there
really a discernable difference between carefully crafting a rock n’ roll concept album and getting dick-railed thousands of times through the decade when greed was
good and tanned, muscle bound sportos fucked like their balls were filled with steroids? I just checked with a certified musicologist, and there’s not.
 Labels: Asia Carrera, Juli Ashton, Savannah, Vanessa Del Rio
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 Studio: New Porn Order
Director: Craig Valentine
Cast: Matt Bateman, Snakemaster Abudadene, Blackheart, Pablo Marquez, Loaded Cash, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, Billy Blade, Annie Social, Buff Bagwell, Misty, Lee Stone, Keeanie Lei, Mary Carey, Doc Rivers, Mr. Montana, Tyler Faith, Jessica Haze, Vampire Warrior, Too Cold Scorpio, Evan Stone, Craig Valentine, Chyanne Jewel, Dick Fitzwell, "Knockout" Nikki, All the Money, Ron Jeremy, A Train
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
The latest of porn's attempts to marry the pageantry of wrestling to the domain of fake internal popshots, Not Rated Pro Wrestling, like its predecessors bankrolled by Extreme Associates and Sin City in the late '90s and early oughts, has realized that the flimsy high concept storytelling of porn has been used in wrestling for generations.
 But unlike its forebears, Not Rated Pro Wrestling throws a little more sex the audience's way, performed by the likes of Kendra Secrets, Chyanne Jewel, and Jessica Haze, who would be R. Crumb's powerful-legged superstars if he ever switched jobs with Vince McMahon.
How it works is this: actual wrestlers with their standard backstories (stole my belt, slept with my girlfriend, etc.) intersperse "legitimate" matches in a sparsely populated hall with wrestling grudge-related sex scenes between the aforementioned pornstresses and people like Evan Stone and Lee Stone. So, for example, Craig Valentine gets back at wrestling rival Evan Stone by showing a video of himself fucking Kendra Secrets.
"Beat that pussy up," Secrets says.
"Make sure when you kiss her on the lips," Valentine says to Stone, "you say hello to my kids, because they're hanging off her chin."
You get the idea.
 This series has promise, but it was inevitable that it did not live up to its hype. I get a couple of press releases every week for this, and to watch the poorly rehearsed and scripted video, where viewers can hear each audience member clapping (there seem to be about ten), seems like kids' exercises in putting on "skits" for the new video camera, circa 1986.
Free of any real direction, the hammiest performers do well. Enter Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy. Stone knows this is a laugh, and we hope he got his day rate. He shows up in armor, for example.
Making the moves on "Vampire Warrior"'s girlfriend, Chyanne, Stone reveals that "on the road, wrestlers talk."
Jeremy, as a color commentator opposite a wrestler named Angelo "A Train," works his ass off like a Poconos comedian in a tough room.
The room itself appears to be a massive Florida strip club, rented for a couple of days.
 Staying true to the pro-wrestling format of betrayal and vendetta, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" to its credit fills the disc with several sex scenes and plenty of wrestling, as well as interstitial exposition of why everyone is so mad at each other. Some people are cheap, others introduced their former friends' daughters to porn, etc. Like watching wrestling without sex, it gets confusing to follow the storlyline sometimes.
While Mary Carey and Tyler Faith are in the movie, they do not show up in sex scenes. Those go to Secrets, Keeanie Lei, and Jessica Haze.
As a porn flick, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" could have stood some improvement, but I say with all honesty that if you like professional wrestling, you will like this movie.
Labels: Annie Social, Billy Blade, Blackheart, Buff Bagwell, Keeani Lei, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, lee stone, Loaded Cash, Mary Carey, Matt Bateman, Misty, Pablo Marquez, Snakemaster Abudadene
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 Studio: Third World Media
Director: Gia Darling
Cast: Gia Darling, Mistress Berlin, Mistress Julianm Mistress Nicolette, Mistress Gemini, Mistress Jeannine, Ms. J, Orion Cross, Luke Cross, Jesse, Enrique Currero
Portions of this review also appeared on Fleshbot
"You've no idea what you've gotten yourself into, do you?" asks Mistress Berlin, a female dominatrix palling around with transsexual diva Gia Darling, of hapless door-to-door salesman Julian when he dares to pitch her on insurance coverage in this economy. The scene opens Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!, a BDSM/tranny/pegging twist on classic lighthearted porn romps.
My personal belief is that no man is ever truly surprised when the woman he's with reveals herself to be a transsexual, dominatrix, or Mormon, so Mistress Berlin's question is part of the elegant dance between domme and sub, like French Court face-saving protocol. Of course he knows he's about to get beaten savagely, but the savvy domme also knows to pretend he just fell into her clutches.
"I don't need insurance," the glorious Berlin says. "I just need a little bitch."
And that's what Julian becomes. Berlin humiliates and flogs him, and submits him to harsh questioning.
 "What kind of man lets this happen to him?" she asks, already knowing the answer.
At this point I did not know what would happen. I hoped Berlin would, by some act of Providence, become naked and oiled, and that my phone would ring and I'd be called in to save the scene for straight porn fans everywhere. But I also enjoyed listening to her well-informed ad libs, and I anticipated the reveal when Darling emerged with her man-junk all a'dangle.
 The most inevitable (and as any drama critic would tell you) and therefore the most satisfying line comes from Julian:
"That's not a pussy."
What follows is replicated in the rest of the movie's five scenes: hot dominatrix fucks luckless interloper with a strap-on as he blows Gia Darling or other transsexual helper, then he is allowed to jerk himself off. Dominatrices keep their clothes on but the trannies do not. The sub,missives are tarted up in skirts and panties, leather and chains.
There is a lot of eye candy for the straight audience, but no money shots in the way we normally expect them. Still, as a snapshot of the growing tranny/sissy/domme threesome subniche, the power play and (especially in Berlin's case) the dialogue are really fun.
Darling as director and performer knows to let her dommes take the lead roles in this movie, and I'm sure purists of this genre will appreciate the authentic hierarchy.
Labels: bdsm, fetish, gia darling, mistress Berlin, third world media, transsexual
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 Studio: Wicked
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: jessica drake, Dana DeArmond, Scarlett Fay, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade, Eric Masterson, Barry Scott, August
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
jessica drake is Zoe as today's Wicked Girl on a mission in "Kissing Girls," in which the long-leggedy pornstress lets us know (in standard-issue voiceover form) that this will be her year to climb the corporate ladder, make the world a better place, and find her soulmate. (As this line cuts to her trysting with Eric Masterson, we can assume that he is not it, else the movie would be very short.)
"He understood my passions and dealt with my neuroses," she says of him, but when he tells her to hurry because his wife will be home soon, she knows it isn't to be. We know that the movie will be about dipping her toe in the world of women.
Like Hustler is hitting a groove with, or at least spending a lot of time on, its "parody" movies, Wicked is co-opting mainstream successes and making them a little more porny. "Kissing Girls" is Wicked's "Kissing Jessica Stein."
Frustrated with men, Zoe answers a personal ad. From a girl.
At first she is hesitant, but when a montage sequence reveals that alll men are crazy, she reconsiders.
"Besides," she says, "aren't all women lesbians these days? Bisexual? Swingers? Isn't that all the rage?"
All the rage in Hell, maybe.
Anyway, drake bites the bullet and meets Moonbeam (Dana DeArmond), and they hit it off on Wicked's muted pastel restaurant set. And they have so much in common! They're both Scorpios, they like to drive, and neither likes labels.
But they do like labia.
Moonbeam tells Zoe about first finding a woman attractive, when she caught her babysitter (Scarlett Fay) having sex with her 40-year-old boyfriend. Luckily, we don't see 12-year-old Moonbeam peaking around the curtains. We're also proud of ourselves that we guessed how another sex scene would be shoehorned in before Zoe and Moonbeam's inevitable coupling.
drake and DeArmond at first seem an unlikely porn pair, but DeArmond handles the transition from gaping and choking to couples'-friendly lesbo scene with aplomb, and even inspires the best ad-lib of the movie when drake says, "If I had a cock you'd be in trouble."
I've said it before and I say it again: it's great jessica drake does not have a cock.
Labels: August, Barrett Blade, Barry Scott, dana dearmond, Eric Masterson, jessica drake, Randy Spears, Scarlett Fay, wicked
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 Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Carlos Batts
Cast: April Flores, Sasha Grey, La Cholita, Claudia Rossi, Claire, Lady Lava, Sara Vandella, Penny
The evil immortal Vlad Drakul, in his quest to subjugate Earth, sired five daughters who, with the help of Drakul henchman Mr. Experiment's unguents and potions, would implement their father's will by kissing their enemies to death.
But Mr. Experiment's son, VMMX, jealous of the attention his father paid to Drakul's girls, vowed to destroy them using his own manufactured army, the Fleshers.
So you can see that "Kiss Attack" varies from the proven porn format of Pool Guy Enters, Fucking Ensues.
An ambitious porn movie with interstitial comic art animation by Nathan Carlisle, an original soundtrack, and costumes by David Page, Louis Fleischauer, Simone Williams and Exquisite Restraint, "Kiss Attack" is the type of movie that will leave viewers wishing they had seen it when they were not of legal age to see it.
Like a theme party in which guests take off their masks early in the evening and get down to what everyone does at parties no matter the dress code, "Kiss Attack" should be viewed as a porn movie dressing up as a comic book; with a convoluted plot in which everyone is the bad guy, the sex is that much more welcome. In fact, do yourself a favor and forget the plot altogether - watch the sex instead.
After a lengthy exposition, Drakul daughter Evel (Gray) tussles with Flesher Alex Gonz. Tussles sexually. Then she kills him. Gonz and Grey serve up a great scene, with Grey jerking back and forth, and having grown some 80's-worthy pubes for the role (she is like Deniro in this regard).
Then Ms. Sangre (Flores) meets Mantis, a "synthetic nymph." They too tussle. In this vampire world, everyone fights using porn scenes. A dramatic tableau follows in which Sangre and Mantis are beset upon by Fleshers. Nothing seems to come of it. Phew.
Then we meet Luci (Sara Vandella), who tells us she is going to "kill some Fleshers." She lounges gloriously on a rug instead. That's OK. I've got no quarrel with Fleshers, either. When she finally encounters one in a lilac room, she makes short work of him.
About this time VMMX laments "these fucking vampire bitches" defeating his army. He needs to change his plan. He sends Claudia Rossi after human Mikey Butders. Meanwhile, Ms. Sangre calls in Dolores (La Cholita) to defeat VMMX by dancing near his car.
"Kiss Attack" is exactly the flesh and fantasy parade we dreamed of in eighth grade with willing, ready-to-go ladies saying geek-flavored things that don't hold up under scrutiny but Who Cares? - each one takes off her clothes. It's important to remember what the priorities are.
See a gallery here.
Labels: "adam and eve", April Flores, carlos batts, la cholita, sara vandella, sasha grey
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Studio: VCA
