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Barely Legal Christmas
 Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Cast: Alexa Jordan, Aarielle Alexis, Nautica Thorn, Ashley Blue, Sasha Grey, Paulina James, Penny Flame
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The elfmaidens (Aarielle Alexis and Alex Jordan) feel that Santa is too traditional.
"Don't be gay," one says. "Girls don't want dolls, they want dongs. And boys don't want trains, they want to run trains - on girls like us."
This repackaging of five previously-released scenes with a Christmas wraparound dovetails nicely with the "Barely Legal" theme of letters to "Barely Legal" magazine, but in this case the letters are repurposed for Santa.
Sasha Grey is deemed "naughty" for breaking and entering to what she thinks is her teacher's house in search of test answers. Instead she must deal with the homeowner (Jerry) and, in exchange for him not calling the police, must perform sexual acts upon his person. Personally, I think this is a nice gesture that cancels out the naughty one, but Hey, I'm a Buddhist and we don't believe in Santa.
Then we read a letter from Ashley Blue sent in the ancient days of "Barely Legal 27". She, as Santa says, is a "filthy lying whore" for duping realtors into believing she wants to rent houses when what she really wants is to use them for sex.
Penny Flame courts a security guard for backstage passes and he is the same guy who owned the house Sasha Grey broke into. That was a nice house, too; how much do security guards make?
Paulina James relates a tale of a three-way with Steven St. Croix and Marco Banderas. I found it utterly implausible. Something about mail theft.
Finally, the elves convince Santa not to cancel Christmas by the only means at their disposal.
No one will confuse this movie for an instant classic, but the individual scenes are good enough, though some voiceovers are by the performers and others are by sometime-"Barely Legal" directrix Erica Mclean. It would be better if the series chose one or the other, because it is jarring to hear 19-year-old Sasha Grey read her letter but 50-ish Mclean read another. Mclean, of course, gives the series a touch of wistful remembrance a la Jeanne Moreau in "The Lover".
Alexis and Jordan are at a disadvantage in their scene because, aside from it being tacked on, it seems to have been hastily shot "just in time for Christmas" back in September. Oh well. Jizz the season.
 Labels: Aarielle Alexis, Alexa Jordan, ashley blue, hustler, nautica thorn, Paulina James, Penny Flame, sasha grey
Read the Full Story
 Studio: Vivid
Director: B. Skow
Cast: Monique Alexander, Audrey Bitoni, Nick Manning, Presley Maddox, Carolyn Reese, James Deen, Evan Stone
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
A boulevard of broken dreams story from today's Hollywood, "Popstar"'s nipslips, lipsynch malfunctions, and clandestine trysts are so much more compelling than the Tinseltown reality they emulate.
"Take your clothes off for Din," Hollywood Weseal Nick Manning says to Sunrise (Monique Alexander) in Vivid's "Popstar". "Din wants to see some nipples. AND THE REST!"
Sunflower is new in town and starmaker Avery Din has invited her into the VIP lounge. Meanwhile, her cattty hometown best friend's career goes the other way: she is reduced to porn.
"Din's nude," Manning says, adding: "I'm gonna stick it where the sun don't rise."
The adorable Alexander makes us believe that she wouldn't actually shun us in a club, or perhaps she only appears to be an ingenue against Manning's utter oiliness. Either way, if we can forgive Jack Nicholson for playing the same character in all his later movies, we are equally satisfied when Manning arrives at load-droppin' time. (In addition to "Dropping loads!" Manning has added the catchphrase "Wrecked!")
As Din seeks to jettison Paulina (Audrey Bitoni) as flavor of the month, planting cocaine in front of paparazzi and sabotaging TV appearances, he also sends his assistant, Paige (Presley Maddox) to manipulate a late night host by whatever means necessary.
Then Sunrise must get cozy with a VJ (James Deen). Squalid. Especially since she can't sing.
Yesterday's news Paulina tries to get her career back by coming on to Marvin the engineer (Evan Stone). It seems like her fall from grace has schooled her in her humanity. Her natural singing talent and her Gram-bearing hips made her cocky. Can she redeem herself? Porn really does teach us things. It was at this point I wanted Bitoni to win.
Realizing it was Din's machinations all along, the women in his life finally get together, you know, in a "Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves" sort of way, taken to logical conclusions.
Popstar is a delightful stocking stuffer, and so much less sordid than watching TMZ!
Labels: Audrey Bitoni, B. Skow, Carolyn Reese, evan stone, James Deen, monique alexander, nick manning, Presley Madddox, vivid
Read the Full Story
 Studio: AmericanXcess
Director: Chris King
Cast: Moxxie Maddron, Nick Manning, Jessica Jaymes, Hillary Scott, Lindsey Meadows, Mark Davis, the song stylings of Lynam
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Moxxie Maddron is not a drama queen and she doesn't do things just to be outrageous. She is not like Holly Golightly or even "That Girl", delightfully upending the lives of people around her. Instead, it seems that everywhere she goes, sex happens. This is the plot of The Instigator.
A low-budget movie with dreams of something bigger, The Instigator is like many porn movies with basic setups; it just so happens that Maddron is in each scene and she is the one making things happen with the likes of Hillary Scott, Lindsey Meadows, and Jessica Jaymes.
While Scott, Jaymes, and Meadows are more well-known in porn circles than Maddron, she ties the room together like Jeff Lebowski's rug. And she is also the aesthetic emissary to the band Lynam, who provide the movie's soundtrack.
Because Maddron looks like a built-for-sex metal chick more than she does a porn star, especially compared to the more petite Scott and Meadows and the more exotic Jaymes. In the movie, she serves as a good-natured wingman for her more porny co-stars.
Directed by Maddron's boyfriend. Chris King, The Instigator starts out like a Whitesnake video, with Maddron playing Tawny Kitaen. She shakes her mane and prances around the power trio, who claim to be the love children of Ronnie James Dio and Stevie Nicks (discredited).
The movie progresses through several standard scenarios: fucking on a porn set, fucking the stripper, fucking Nick Manning - twice. A bonus scene with unacknowleded punkporn godfather Matt Zane is actually the most satisfying because Maddron seems more at home in a rock and roll atmosphere.
I liked this movie, but I felt that Maddron should make the sequel with more friends who look like her, and film it backstage at the Vans Warped Tour or something, with Metal Sludge as the media sponsor. That would rock.
Labels: Hillary Scott, jessica jaymes, lindsey meadows, metal, moxxie maddron, nick manning
Read the Full Story
 Studio: Wicked
Director: Stormy Daniels
Cast: Stormy Daniels, Steven St. Croix, Nicole Sheridan, Jenna Haze, Eva Angelina, Kayleni Lei, Audrey Bitoni, Austin Kincaid, Lorena Sanchez, Melissa Lauren, Nakita Kash, Tory Lane, Veronica Rayne, Roxy Deville, Randy Spears, Marcus London, Tommy Gunn, Derrick Pierce, Tony DeSergio, Voodoo and Ron Jeremy.
Review by special correspondent Larry Smathers
You’ve got to give it to the folks at Wicked Pictures; these days their slick packaging rivals many mainstream releases, and the extra features on this three-disc set could choke a horse (this is an assumption, I did not try). Operation: Desert Stormy is one of Wicked’s largest productions to date and it shows; at times the spy-spoof looks up to the standard of a low end made-for-cable movie and that’s not a slam. Director Daniels is no James Cameron, but she and her crew sure know how to make the most out of what they have.
Operation: Desert Stormy starts with a nice take-off on a groovy James Bond credit sequence and then moves to an elegant dance between Randy Spears and Stormy Daniels. The dance continues into the bed, and after discarding all their weapons ala Harpo Marx, the two secret agents get down to some serous spy games, ending in a messy situation for Daniels.
Oh, but it’s all a dream and Daniels is really in bed with her boring husband (Steven St. Croix), who keeps reminding his wife he’s a real C.I.A agent and she’s just a secretary (“Everyone knows I’m the smart one” he insists), but their boss at the C.I.A. (Spears) gives Stormy a very important assignment, or so she thinks. Meanwhile, St.Croix takes off with a gadgets expert (Jenna Haze) and the two perform acts Bond and Q never thought of.
Spears leaves on mission to the South Pacific and does the dirty hula with Kaylani Lei, in a sequence that should have ended with Lei singing a chorus of “I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair.” But alas, the humor is saved for Ron Jeremy back in the Middle East as a sultan named Hussein who’s planning to destroy the U.S. Jeremy plays the role with his usual subtlety: sucking a giant ice slushy like a hookah, and telling his henchmen what he really wants to do is direct – porn! Hussein/Jeremy lives his dream by working the camera during a lesbian lick fest between two lovely harem girls.
Daniels and St.Croix put hard feelings aside and jet off to the Middle East to save the world from Hussein. A quick run in with some bad guys proves Stormy has a lot of girl power, but a gun that looks like it came from the aisles of Toy-R-Us. The couple teams with two British agents who are also on a mission, a mission not to save the world, but to have an orgy with the aforementioned harem girls. But fear not: St. Croix and Daniels save the day and end up back home with Stormy doing the dance that began the story, this time St.Croix has replaced Spears in the ballroom and the bedroom.
Operation: Desert Stormy seems out for yucks as much as anything erotic, but do people watch the comedic parts in flicks like this? St. Croix certainly works his best Jim Carrey shtick as he takes a taser to the groin, but it’s most likely all for naught, as viewers will just skip to the next sex scene. Maybe, the wacky antics are more for the actors than the audience, a way for Daniels and company to cut loose from the grind of making another skin flick. It’s kind of like Burt Reynolds and friends doing those Cannonball movies in the ‘80s, Burt and pals just wanted a few laughs, and so does Stormy I suppose. Maybe next time she’ll get Dom Deluise and a driving monkey to come along for the ride.
Labels: Eva Angelina, Jenna Haze, Nicole Sheridan, Ron Jeremy, Steven St. Croix, stormy daniels
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Studio: Hustler
