My Big Fake Wedding
 Studio: Vivid
Director: B. Skow
Cast: Brea Lynn, James Deen, Holly Morgan, Vanilla Skye, Carmel Moore, Jada Fire, Jack Venice, Sascha, Trent Soluri, Donny Long
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"Not 'til we're married," says Beth (Holly Morgan) to Jared (James Deen) as she masturbates in front of him. This sort of teasing is as bad as waterboarding, and this is the sort of torture that shouldn't be depicted in porn movies.
"Why don't you play with my tits while I use my vibrator?" she suggests.
Cruelty.
So many things are hard to accept about My Big Fake Wedding, such as the virginity of a woman who has shaved pubes and a tattoo on her groin who is friends with Brea Lynn.
Jared consults with his pals, who suggest staging a fake wedding to get their friend to home plate, having already determined that alcohol won't work because "she's Irish."
Unfortunately the probable maid of honor (Brea Lynn) overhears the scheme and alerts Beth. Together, they plan to sabotage the event, even alerting the bachelor party hookers (Carmel Moore and Jada Fire) of the turnaround.
A note about bachelor party hookers: they don't squirt like Jada Fire, and they only work with condoms. Your bachelor party's mileage may vary.
Brea has it all worked out. Impersonating the priest is rake Jack Venice. She has somehow acquired photos from the bachelor party the night before and threatens to tell Venice's wife if he doesn't take Universal Life Ministry's online ordination test, thus making the sham wedding a legal one. Further compromising him is that she caught him masturbating to porn on his MacBook Pro.
Doubtful if posting this picture of a man posing as a priest who is masturbating to an Apple product will bring my PowerBook back after OSX Leopard nuked it, but I will take any satisfaction I can.
The blessed day arrives, and we must continue to suspend our disbelief as Beth shows up to the squalid affair in a juicy wedding dress. Don't virgins like big weddings? I always assumed so, but I have never met a virgin.
Naysayers might point out that Beth should appear to be more in pain once Jared assumes his right of prima nocta, but she probably broke her hymen long ago with a vibrator. What is actually annoying, though, and a bad habit of studios, is that the juicy Morgan is not on the boxcover of her own movie, but Lynn is instead.
It's hard to find any flies on a lighthearted romp with the delightful Holly Morgan and the weapons-grade Brea Lynn, even if the idea of Morgan as a virgin is only a little less absurd than Venice as a priest.
"My Big Fake Wedding" is a fun movie regardless, with Deen behaving credibly in an untenable situation and Morgan and Lynn proving that weddings make people horny.
 Labels: B. Skow, Brea Lynn, Carmel Moore, Donny Long, Holly Morgan, Jack Venice, Jada Fire, James Deen, Sascha, Trent Soluri, Vanilla Skye
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Pleasure Principle: mini review
 Studio: Wicked
Director: David Stanley
Cast: Carmen Hart, Lexi Lamour, Randy Spears, Exotica, Hollie Stevens, Marcus London, Brooke Banner, Marco Banderas, Daisy Marie
Wicked has the highest percentage of South of the Mason-Dixon Line talent of any porn studio. There's jessica drake (Texas), Stormy Daniels (Louisiana), and North Carolina's Carmen Hart. Hart is adorable, accessible, and flawless in this couples' film.
There is nothing but approachable people and light comedy in this "sex is good for you" movie, with a script by David Stanley. Hart tells us, in voiceovers and direct address, that shame is the problem, not sex, and that "guilt" should be the four-letter word, not "fuck".
In several scenarios (one involving the 16th President of the United States), Hart emphasizes what any couples' porn-consuming couple already knows: that everything's groovy, really.
(No wonder Hollie Stevens can't abstain; Randy Spears spelled "abstinence" wrong.)
Not everyone could have made this talky movie work, but Hart is, as always, charming before anything else. I wouldn't have been sold on Stanley's treatise on Finding One's Bliss if it had been delivered by, say, Gia Paloma. The world turns to Gia Paloma for other things.
Pleasure Principle is a great movie for the tentative people on your Christmas list who pretend they aren't interested in porn.
Labels: brooke banner, Carmen Hart, Daisy Marie, Exotica, Hollie Stevens, Lexi Lamour, Marco Banderas, Marcus London, minireview, Randy Spears
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 Studio: Sex Z Pictures
Director: Eli Cross
Cast: Eva Angelina, Hillary Scott, Derrick Pierce, Trina Michaels, Sandra Romain, Bryn Pryor, Kylie Ireland, Evan Stone, Adrianna Nicole, Marco Banderas, Tee Real, Brian Surewood, Alex Sanders, Julie Night, H.M. Smith, Michelle Aston, Delilah Strong, James Deen, Madison Young, Lorelei Lee, Aiden Starr
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
With a budget of $375,000 (reportedly), Upload is one of the most expensive porn movies ever made. It had better be great, and it is.
Borrowing a little from bleak science fiction like Minority Report, Strange Days, eXistenZ, David Bowie's "Space Oddity" (with Hillary Scott as Major Tom) and, for some reason, the score of American Beauty, Upload integrates very dirty sex plausibly into a compelling, challenging script by Alvin Edwards and director Eli Cross.
Most dramatic porn requires a suspension of disbelief. We watch performers play-acting serious dialogue like they are trying on strange clothes in an 80's montage sequence. And why should we expect more? When they're having sex on film, is that the way real people do it?
But Upload clicks each time, and just when you start worrying that a performer has bitten off more than he can chew, when you think, "Uh oh - ," the movie takes a corner.
Eva Angelina plays Cassandra Cray, an agent with the top secret, licensed to kill Digital Security Agency of the Homeland Security Department.
"I don't have to make you an enemy combatant to make you disappear from the planet," she says during an interrogation.
Angelina is on the trail of Tesla (Hillary Scott), a gal who records her sexual escapades onto a chip, or SIM, that allows others to experience what she does. She is, in the world of the movie, a SIMwhore, and that's illegal enough to attract Cassandra's attention.
But Scott isn't carrying any SIM. The data encoded on the chip Scott is protecting is a little more dynamic, and presents a threat to national security.
Other people's sex on a chip planted into one's own neck provides ample opportunity for relevant sex scenes. We watch what turns on Hillary and Eva as well as what passes through the minds of male leads Derrick Pierce and Bryn Pryor.
The movie is told in flashbacks. Angelina is brought before an Internal Affairs psychiatrist (Pryor) and she recounts the sordid tale of how she tracked down Tesla, what Tesla's interrogation revealed, and why love, when reduced to ones and zeros, might be worthwhile if there are enough of them to make the relationship interesting.
So the story is ambitious. Upload is not the first porn movie to shoulder a weighty script, but it does it more effectively than any porn movie I've seen. It trusts the audience to follow it along, doesn't overexplain, and has the admirable quality of joining scenes toward the middle of the action and leaving them before it's obvious they're through.
One example comes early in the movie. Angelina explains to Pryor how she first became aware of a new wrinkle in the local SIM-trafficking market. We follow her as she gets promoted past disgruntled wannabes in line at a club. She meets underworld types Evan Stone and Sandra Romain. Here warning bells rang. Why was Stone wearing sunglasses in the club? Was he a Terminator? No matter. As Angelina explained to her interrogator, she got her information not from an exchange of money, but -
- the scene shifts to the three of them fucking the shit out of each other, the demonic Sandra Romain slapping Angelina's pussy and face in rapid succession as Stone fucks the good agent. Clearly Angelina works in unorthodox ways.
But, she points out, in Upload's filth-positive context, "I wasn't molested by my father, my Uncle Ronnie didn't touch me...wanna hear how my Dracula doll tied up and raped my Barbies when I was five?" Sometimes people feel dirty for no reason at all.
Eva Angelina is fantastic. Upload takes two discs to unravel and she is in almost every scene. Her character sometimes takes things lightly, sometimes hates herself, sometimes is inappropriate. In other words, she's in a porn movie but she has a character.
"I think you fantasize about being that agent that was taken captive," Pryor declares, after Angelina paints a vivid (but not Vivid) picture of the torture of tasty torturebait Julie Night by Adrianna Nicole and Alex Sanders, who growls over a dildo he is about to shove up Night's ass:
"Get it wet or I'm gonna stick it in you dry."
Angelina and partner Pierce become targets when they get too close to the identity of Gagarin, the man poised to take over the world's digital grid and, knocked out, Pierce has his own fantasy about being a 30's private eye, complete with black and white interludes with juicy femme fatale Kylie Ireland and willing secretary Delilah Strong.
Upload has planty of scenes that might not please timid couples. There is fisting, pissing, lots of anal, lots of choking, torture, rape, and running around topless while drinking. There is even an orgy scene in hell which, compared with the numbing effect of some of the other scenes, didn't make hell look that bad.
Standout scenes include the three-way with Stone, Romain, and Angelina, a glorious gang bang with Scott and five guys, including Brian Surewood in one of his final performances for awhile, and a dusty desert menage a trois featuring the objects of Angelina's (and my own) fantasy: Adrianna Nicole, Lorelei Lee, and Madison Young.
Upload comes in a four-disc set with lots of extra features, most of which I didn't watch. A 12-minute sock puppet interpretation of the film, Laundry Load, is included on disc four and is a goofy but very faithful primer on the movie.
The people who make porn that seeks to be something more than Just Porn have the odds stacked against them. No one wants to believe it can be done, not because it can't, but because it often isn't. Even the unfortunate public relations department of producer Sex Z Pictures can't fathom having released a good porn movie. Here's the headline of a recent press release:
Seriously: Upload Is Great Upload tries, and it succeeds. This is the type of movie performers like Angelina and Pierce, who have together been in hundreds of scenes, can be very proud of. It is certainly the best porn movie I've ever seen, and I usually can't stand the stuff.
Labels: Bryn Pryor, Derrick Pierce, Eva Angelina, Hillary Scott, Kylie Ireland, Sandra Romain, Trina Michaels
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 Studio: Red Light District
Director: Lou Bellera
Cast: Amy Fisher, Loe Bellera, The Spirit of Long Island
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
What we want Amy Fisher: Caught on Tape to be is a tender document of Married Love. Alas, Fisher and husband Lou Bellera separated soon after this video was made, so the story goes, and now Fisher is reportedly canoodling anew with Joey Buttafuoco, so this video is more like Let It Be, a posthumous snapshot of a once-great relationship.
Amy Fisher: Caught on Tape is the greatest celebrity sex tape ever made. It's like an Adam & Eve MILF movie because Fisher is actually a mom and her partner in several scenes, Bellera, is a gray-haired dude in his late fifties, which is central casting fodder for guys in instructional videos. A less sensational title would be "How to Use Viagra And Porn Language to Stimulate Your Ex-Con Trophy Wife".
Fisher is, without a doubt, a porn star. I am still sorting whether she is suing distributor Red Light District for copyright infringement in releasing the video (I bet everything is perfectly legal and that spectral lawsuits make the movie sell faster), but she knew the camera was on, posed, and performed several mainstream porn-worthy scenes regardless of whether she knew how the tape would be distributed.
Because she knew the tape would be distributed.
Who Is Amy Fisher?
Amy Fisher was a 16-year-old high school student when she met married mechanic Joey Buttafuoco in 1991. They began a sexual affair soon after she brought her car to Buttafuoco's Long Island garage and, more than a year later, Fisher shot his wife, Mary Jo, in the face as retaliation for Joey not leaving her for Fisher. Fisher served seven years in prison for this, Mary Jo was disfigured but recovered, and Joey did four months for statutory rape. Later, he and Mary Jo divorced.
Bellera is sometimes credited as a TV producer but I cannot find his name on various TV databases. Regardless, he clearly did his porn homework. Fisher does several porn-standard scenes, including solo, B/G, and light fetish. Whether or not she was a prostitute, she performs like a champ.
Bellera is not the best cameraman or dialogue partner, preferring stationary shots, but he can't be blamed because it's just the two of them and a tripod. But Fisher is clearly the better porn raconteur:
BELLERA: Yeah, baby. Wow! You are so hot. Unbelievable.
Better to just say nothing, Lou. But Fisher has the patter down:
FISHER: I want you to come fuck me. I want your hot come all over my tits.
Sold me. The only way this movie could have been better is if a bonus scene featured Boston's Tyler Faith and Fisher in a porn version of the Red Sox/Mets 1986 World Series.
The next few weeks will reveal whatever sordid or useless stories there are of how the tape came to light, but as a porn movie, Amy Fisher, Caught on Tape is leagues better than the efforts of Screech, Paris, Colin Ferrell, Your mom, Pam Anderson I & II, and Kim Kardashian. What the hell, it's even better than Debbie Loves Dallas. I feel like things are finally becoming right again.
Labels: amy fisher, celebrity, sex tape
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Studio: Vivid
