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 Studio: Vivid
Director: B Skow
Cast: Savanna Samson, Bob Levy, Lanny Barby, Moni Michaels, Kimberly Kane, Penny Flame, Kimberly Franklin, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Lee Stone
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
This pornolized account of comedian "Reverend" Bob Levy's rise to semi-stardom is a searing documentary about the bitterness of the standup road warrior masquerading as a porn movie.
Told in flashbacks to a fan, Stood Up is probably the movie Howard Stern would like to have made about him, but Levy had the idea first.
Levy plays himself as the narrator, but in flashback scenes, such as the one in which a younger Levy meets his agent, played by Savanna Samson, Tommy Gunn takes over Levy duties. Samson and Gunn fuck in the green room after a gig. She looks fantastic, and the production doesn't skimp on giving Gunn a little time in front of the microphone at a dingy club.
Levy tells his fan that the agent went on to get him a series of crappy gigs, including a bachelor party at which he is assaulted by a brute named Andy (Lee Stone) who horns in on Levy's strippers, but not before confiscating a bag containing Levy's act, which consists of "a bunch of nursey rhymes".
We are meant to believe that this was Andrew Dice Clay, and Stone does a good job impersonating him. Then he fucks Lanny Barby. Breasts like Barby's didn't exist in 1982, but who cares?
At a Long Island Jewish wedding reception in 1985, Jerry the waiter (James Deen) sneaks a look at the script Levy has written, a sitcom pilot "about nothing". Levy is onstage telling the guests how cheap they are. Meanwhile Jerry takes advantage of the JAPpy Penny Flame in a very hot scene. Even if the rest of the movie is not to be believed, we can at least feel that Deen and Flame really like each other.
I'll say it again: Penny Flame in a yellow summer dress is awesome. The "Jewish" ad-libbing of the wedding guests, however, about money, diamonds, real estate, and lawyers, seemed like jokes from another time (Oh yeah - it was supposed to be 1985). But a mainstream movie would not allow this sort of humor. Not because porn is the last bastion of free speech, but because the jokes were old.
Despite what appears to be ten years of bad bookings, Levy still retains his manager until a disastrous 1992 show in a Georgia roadhouse, where his "You know you're a hillbilly" routine is copied by someone who looks like Jeff Foxworthy. Levy and Samson get into it backstage.
"Hack!" Samson says.
"Cum Bucket," Levy responds. "I should knock you the fuck out."
Levy himself is knocked out by hillbilly Evan Stone, who proceeds to entice girlfriend Kimberly Kane and Savanna back to his motor home. This leads to another funny scene, this time about Stone's "girth".
This is a movie you should watch so I won't give away the ending; I'll just say that bad things keep happening to Levy.
Stood Up is Vivid firing on all cylinders. It is just the type of stuff they should be doing, and that they do well. Everybody looks good in it.
Except for Levy. While Levy is made to look like the victim throughout the movie, his banter and short routines are all of that late 80's/early 90's abusive standup style, which makes the parts of the movie Levy is not in classier than the parts he is. Obviously a talented guy, it is sad that he is upstaged in his own movie. But how could he not be? Penny Flame in a yellow dress, and then out of it, beats cheap Jew jokes every time.
As far as celebrity porn movies, though, Levy puts on a better show than Snoop did.
 Labels: evan stone, kimberly kane, lanny barby, savanna samson, vivid
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 Studio: Pornfidelity
Director: Kelly and Ryan Madison
Cast: Kelly Madison, Dillan Lauren, Mikayla, August, Tanya Hardin, Alexis Amore
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Riverside County power couple Kelly and Ryan Madison are celebrating their third anniversary with Alexis Amore, who Kelly calls her "favorite bridesmaid."
"Isn't the third anniversary paper or something lame?" asks Kelly.
"I think it's pussy," says Amore.
Thus begins Run for the Border 3, a movie whose Latin flavor extends about as far as the title. Though the guest stars might be Latina (although Tanya Hardin might be Canadian, Who Knows?), the movie is more about the Madisons, whose amicable rapport is only strengthened by the presence of extra women.
Maybe it would suddenly get weird if Kelly started bringing guys home, but then I wouldn't watch, either.
Next the couple meets bartendrix Mikayla, who is wearing the most tip-getting outfit I've ever seen. The trio fuck on the bar. Waitresses in Riverside County don't exactly dress like Mikayla does, but she mixes a real martini and we can hear the bar's air conditioning (and a phone ringing) in the background. So I'm thinking this shot of reality should boost tourism in that area, especially since Disneyland to the west has opened itself up to Section 8 housing.
"If you hold my titties I can fuck you harder," Kelly suggests.
The next two scenes involve procuring someone for Ryan, and in the process we are treated to some outside views of the Corona, CA area, including its train station. While the extended setups don't work as well as the first two scenes, they are still engaging; the outside world should be reassured that August and Dillan Lauren were not just "picked up" - they were HIV tested and determined to be over 18 before the cameras started rolling - but enough of an effort was made to make the scenarios seem impromptu, and indeed what wasn't required by law looked improvised and natural.
Except for Ryan's haircut in the Dillan Lauren scene. That didn't look natural at all.
Finally, Kelly appropriates Tanya Hardin, playing a dental hygienist by day, stripper by night, to "whiten" Ryan's "teeth" between jobs. They even got her dental hygienist scrubs.
I don't know, but somehow I was left feeling that in that area of the 15 freeway, things like that happen all the time.
Labels: alexis amore, dillan lauren, Kelly Madison, latina, pornfidelity
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 Studio: Wicked Pictures
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: jessica drake, Herschel Savage, Kaylani Lei, Sammie Rhodes, Hillary Scott, Randy Spears, Veronica Hart
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Other than the works of Shakespeare, I suppose, there is no more fertile place to mine stories than the Bible. Even for porn.
Of course, any pornographer going to that bestseller for plots runs the risk of seeming precious, self important. Then again, if we have learned anything in our time together, precious sometimes sells.
"Ah, sweet Christy: I needed her more than any man ever needed a woman," says Samson Nazarite (Herschel Savage), the Master of the Universe whose devotion to his career drove Christy (Hillary Scott) away. Samson's immediate regret of Christy's departure (he chose to go to a conference with Phyllis Stein & Associates rather than on a lovers' cruise) seems abrupt in light of how he treated her, but even more abrupt is the way Savage takes to Delilah (jessica drake), the frank hairdresser he takes up with soon after.
drake hardly cracks a smile the whole movie; she is a svelte dragon lady.
The graying Savage is a fine actor who, along with Randy Spears, represents porn's mature leading men. A clever trick in adult movies is channeling all the dialogue into voiceovers. These Savage delivers well, but he also has the personal gravitas required of the role.
Unfortunately the movie is lousy with gravitas. Not only do we have the unholy mixing of Old and New Testaments with "Samson" and "Nazarite"(an OT term for a man who has taken a vow of abstinence), but Samson has also lost "Christ"y. That and the dim blueness of the sex scenes, in which the lovely drake is seldom fully revealed, makes me think that, as a porn movie, Delilah misses the point; even if jerking off to all the movies that cross my desk is not an option, the idea behind each and every porn movie should always be that I could if I wanted to.
Delilah is not a hit with Samson's friends, Stephanie (Kaylani Lei) and Pete (Spears), nor with his mom (Veronica Hart), all of whom act their asses off in service to a film that is relentlessly depressing.
But ambitious. The story doesn't give up. It has twists and turns that the cast stays with: Delilah has a past, Spears is not the friend he seems, Christy is still in the picture. Samson prays.
A bum (but, you know, one of those supernatural bums with a wealth of wisdom), approaches Samson outside a restaurant with, "What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul?" (New Testament again). Oy.
Delilah is, like it or not, an adult movie for adults. There is not a lick of fantasy in it. We believe Spears and Savage, with their high-powered resumes, would actually have icy trophy partners. We believe that men like that might search for redemption in the wrong places. I even believe that certain couples would be turned on by this movie - I just don't know any.
drake, unfortunately, plays an unlikeable character and it works. We don't want to not like jessica drake.
Delilah is the elusive "real movie that happens to have sex in it" that the big adult companies strive for. Not a lot of sex, either; the best-lit scene is with Lei and Spears, and Hillary Scott never appears in anything less than a bikini.
Though the movie ends with Samson getting a second chance - and literally praying for one - the journey there is decidedly un-porny. What does it profit a porn movie to gain a good script but lose my erection?
Labels: jessica drake, wicked
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 Studio: Madness Pictures
Director: David Aaron Clark
Cast: Mae Yung, Lucy Lee, Sin Nye Lang, Kylie Ray
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"All Oriental women are odalisks," David Aaron Clark quotes Flaubert in the opening of his "Legend of the Oriental Luv Motel". Odalisk is a Turkish word, referring to the girls that weren't yet refined enough to be in the sultan's harem. The French later added their refinements to the word and it has since become synonymous with a lounging, long-ribbed sybarite, but Clark revels in the first meaning.
Clark describes this work, shot over three years from 2002 to 2004, as "horribly artsy and self-conscious", even "grandiose", but his proactive acceptance of the most likely criticism dovetails nicely with the subject of this film, Clark himself, playing a character named Mr. Hentai who rents prostitutes at a Ventura Blvd. motel whose name he can't reveal due to the "dire consequences for myself and others."
It is my impression that in recent years frat and corporate culture has made the taking of prostitutes cool. Clark does not live in that world. His Mr. Hentai is both imperious and submissive; the only power he has over these ladies is what's in his wallet.
And this makes watching this movie both creepy and intriguing, because it gets to one of the many hearts of the sex-for-cash experience; it's not really about the girl.
He seemed okay down at the bar, so I went to his room when he offered to pay. Then he asked me to put on the dress.
Mae Yung (or Young, depending on which of the credits you put your round-eye faith in), admires herself in a mirror. She is wearing a dress the title card tells us she was directed to put on, and her slack look puts us in the frame of mind of hookers, a canvas mostly finished but who require just our input to make them "perfect".
Clark's love of Asian women, the more off-the-boat-seeming the better, often translates into our love for them, too. This first scene is a point of view (POV) scene, so we know Miss Mae is particularly here for Clark's benefit. It is his challenge to make us like his new girlfriend because it's his show - she, for one, doesn't look at all comfortable in the silk dress and high heels he's got her up in.
It does not seem the exchange goes well. The load delivered is not substantive. Then the title card puts Clark's words in her mouth. "I never saw him again. But he took the dress with him."
A pre-boob job Lucy Lee is next, poring over a querulous volume of forgotten lore and absently touching herself in the process.
Clark actually appears in this scene, and it is a triumph. He looks like a portly Cenobite, and he should be the poster-being for all those who claim to be sex-positive, since the meaning of sex positive has lately morphed into late-nite Cinemax. He does not look Porn at all, just a little dangerous, and of a Los Angeles that probably never existed (and it's sad that it didn't).
Clark is saying things to Lee as he fondles her. He is saying something about her smoking, but the sound is so bad the words get lost. It doesn't matter. Their exchange is as real as it gets, and the reality depicted is the satisfaction of commerce.
Finally, bachelorette number 3, Sin Nye Lang, arrives. "What would you like me to do for you today?" she asks.
"You're such a beautiful young woman," Clark says. "But you probably hear that all the time."
"Yes," she says, "but it's never enough."
"It never is enough for your type, is it?" he replies, and this gets a laugh out of her. This is short-lived, as she later plays at his cock with a straight razor.
A bonus scene features Kylie Ray in her first porn outing. The vignette begins outside, so already it is of a different mood than the others. But it is, again, a hooker scenario and Ray is a little more vivacious and accessible than her predecessors.
This movie is a series of scenes shot over several years, no real flow between them, but they do paint a vivid picture of Clark and what he likes, and who he is. It is fair to say there are people like him who don't have the guts to assert themselves, or at least to wear that leather trenchcoat in the Porn Valley heat.
Labels: "david aaron clark", asian, dvd, review
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 Studio: Metro/Toxxxic Entertainment
Director: Vincent Voss
Cast: Daisy Marie, Kaiya Lynn, Carmel Moore, Lela Starr, Nikki Benz, Sativa Rose, Tiffany Sweet, Austin Kincaid, Ben English, Mick Blue, Steve Holmes, Marco Banderas, Scott Nails
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
When "Slime Ballin'" arrived, you can imagine my joy as I surmised that Nickelodeon had finally persuaded Alanis Morrisette and Christine McGlade to come out of retirement for a "You Can't Do That on Television" porn reunion.
Alas it was not to be, but the green slime and Toxic Avenger (minus the Toxic Avenger) motif of the boxcover promised great things. You'd think, at least, that there would be fucking in slime. You would be wrong.
With the myriad porn titles released each month, the nation's porn consumers and reviewers understand that there isn't too much different that can be done with each one. That is why people like director Vincent Voss should be commended for dusting off his high school black light, buying some ultraviolet body paint, and filling the room with dry ice in the execution of "Slime Ballin'".
The movie starts with Daisy Marie servicing a straitjacketed patient in a padded cell. If this is where our healthcare system is going, well all-fucking-right!. Voss hits the blacklight and we can see how white Daisy's teeth are.
The randy Brit Carmel Moore is revealed to be a dead ringer for Karen Black in the next scene.
Here is Marco Banderas reacting to a penis pump. I realized during this scene that I don't expect much of my female porn stars. They grunt and yell in porn-standard fashion, and they look pretty, and I'm happy. Why this image was compelling to me is because I believe it is real.
"Slime Ballin'" was fun and competently directed. And unlike "Transformers", in which gadgetry and effects did little to make a bad story better, at least Voss already had the tasty likes of Sativa Rose and Tiffany Sweet to flick the strobe light on and off on.
But the effects added nothing to the movie, and might have even been a distraction; he could have dispensed with Glo-sticks, put everyone in wigs, and called the same movie "Fuck Me in a Wig".
Labels: metro, reviews
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 Studio: Bondage Orgasms (.com)
Director: Natali Demore
Cast: Natali Demore, Ashley Renee, Eden Wells, Harmony Rose, Natalie Minx, Katja Kassin
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
The best pornography has always reflected the time in which it was created. How else would you describe why America's obsession with not shaving its pubes was so well-represented in 70's porn?
Our current healthcare crisis is given a frank look, therefore, in Natali Demore's Medical Pain Sluts, in which women (the "Sluts" of the title) are subjected to and inflict "Medical Pain".
The first vignette sets the scene. "Institutional Fraud" features Katja Kassin and Demore discussing how they defrauded both the penal and psychiatric industries by faking insanity to avoid jailtime. Luckily, they are thwarted by USA PATRIOT Act technology, as their conversation is monitored by Harmony, who looks positively Amazonian compared to the two barefoot scofflaws in her BDSM heels.
Harmony imposes a number of punishments on her wards, including the novel approach of smacking Katja every time Natali does something bad.
"Legs Open; This is for your own good" announces Demore in the next scene, "Multiple Personality Disorder", in which she is the nurse charged with helping Ashley Renee decide if she likes girls or boys.
The scenarios are darkly humorous, and sexy. Girl-on-Girl cruelty has more of a ring of truth about it because it seems like Friday night at the Saddle Ranch.
Diminutive director/star Demore told me that she "discovered" liking to bind, gag, and torture people, and that she was good at it. The femdom model is still not the first picture that comes to mind when people think of dominatrices, however.
"I think we have the element of surprise," she said.
Demore appears on top and on bottom in the final two scenes, first forcibly extracting information from Natalie Minx and then, in "Hypersexuality Aversion Treatment", finding herself on the business end of clamps and clothespins.
This video is furnished with the essentials: a room, a mattress, some mood lighting, and a nurse costume. It also features some fun gadgets, electrodes, and whirring things. That it is made by women who play with the archetype of the naughty nurse, improvising funny lines while putting their victims through the paces of rigorous punishment and training scenes, makes for viewing that is less bleak than hardcore BDSM fare that's all leather and dungeons.
Labels: bdsm, bondage orgasms, dvd, fetish, natali demore
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Studio: Vivid
