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 Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Various
Cast: Adriana, Josie, Ibisa, Sammie & Lelina, Melissa
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
When one has stacks and stacks of porn movies in an office that smells like stripper-grade melon body spray, and when each movie must compete by means as superficial as a title and a boxcover photo, then it is easy to understand why often esoteric criteria like "context" need to be trucked in in order to review movies that, but for the happenstance of their placement at the top of a pile, might be identical to competing companies' product below them.
That is why I had a small problem with the environment of Pink Visual's Loca Latina Sluts 2. All the company's movies are culled from its Internet projects, so each movie is a compilation. This movie is a compilation of compilations in that each of the scenes is from a different type of movie but that happened to have a Latina in the scene.
So one scene was shot for a MILF website, one was about "lesbians", and another featured the hockey-masked Gang Bang Squad (the latter was disturbing because it seemed like a South of the Border Friday the 13th where Jason got to fuck girls rather than kill them) (come to think of it, wouldn't it have been better had Jason done that instead? He would've gotten that aggression out of his system in half a movie).
The movie also suffers a bit from the Yappy Gonzo Director Syndrome; we don't want to hear how hot you think someone is - if we're not fast-forwarding through the scene we already know. Shut up already.
All that aside, the talent is tasty. The movie opens with Adriana outside a Porn Valley Swap Meet. Originally shot for a MILF project, the scene focuses on Adriana's age (34), her divorcee status, and the fact that she has a seven-year-old son. Can she come back to the studio for awhile before she goes home to fix dinner? Sure. Sex ensues. It's important that it did.
Central-American Ibisa is picked up at the Catalina Ferry dock. She is taken out on a boat on which Shane Diesel is also a passenger. Ibisa was not at her most charming (I hope) that day, but any scene with Diesel is jaw-dropping; his cock is almost as big as mine.
What made me pick this movie was the photo of Josie on the cover. Natural, small-breasted, and juicy, Josie wears a white thong and a black do-rag. The cover picture, alas, is not replicated in the movie. Instead, Josie meets the Gang Bang Squad, which isn't known for its Algonquin Round Table repartee.
"Suck that dick," one masked squadder demands.
"You mean the one that's already in my mouth?" I wish she would have said, in a thought balloon.
Q. Grams, what if Loca Latina Sluts was the only porn movie you had ever seen? Would you still have so many reservations?
A. No. In that case it would have been The Greatest Movie of All Time for the sheer number of Mouthalicious Meowry contained therein. And it's still good - it's just that the hockey masks freak me out. And would it kill them to have at least one crazy lady?
 Labels: dvd, latina, pink visual, reviews
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Kinky Cock-Tales
 Studio: Jazmin Media/Ninnworx
Director: Jazmin Jones
Cast: Stacey Silver, Zoe, Daria Glower, Tarra White, Ashley Robins, Victoria Rose, Sandra, Natalli Di Angelo
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"At a wine bar near you, six frends gather to share erotic stories."
So begins Jazmin Media's "Kinky Cock-Tales", a couples' film featuring many beautiful Euro models (none of whom is identified) acting out the tales of your wine-besotted friends. As you can imagine, there is a smoky-voiced narratrix who tries mightily to unsexify the proceedings, and she nearly does, finally being thwarted by my mute button.
Allegedly one of Jazmin Media's selling points is the UK-based company's attention to music; husband and wife team Marcus and Jazmin craft scenes according to the music she has written. While the soundtrack does not get in the way, it is not the high point of this movie. Rather, the competent and often*-unsparing camera work more than compensates for the narration and busy post-production effects that take away from the movie while attempting to make it seem "classy".
*Experimenting with split screens, double images, and picture-in-picture effects, the filmmakers forget that the viewer wants to see parts made bigger, not smaller.
My favorite scene was the first one, starring a woman who reminded me of Hope Davis had "Next Stop, Wonderland" not panned out.
The Classics Professor's tale involved two Roman dudes, Julius and Maximus, hanging around the baths. They see a woman emerge from the water and abide by the When in Rome rule.
Other vignettes involve trysts at the gym, a Sapphic encounter, and a last-fling-before-the-wedding liaison that thankfully takes no cues from Screech.
I admit that I was prejudiced against this film immediately upon hearing the phrase "wine bar". That and the NPR food critic narration made me become adept at fast-forwarding. Still, aside from the setups, the fact that there is no real kink involved, and the utter absence of a cock in one scene, "Kinky Cock-Tales" is worthwhile without the sound.Labels: dvd, euro, jazmin media, ninnworx
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 Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Rico Strong
Cast: Julie, Kaci, Sammie, Kinzy, Veronica Rayne, Emily Evermore, Lexi Lamour, Ethan Cage
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
This Internet-to-DVD series is one of my favorites because, when the right couple is involved, one is fairly certain that when they aren't collecting fees for their work, they are picking up girls at the gym anyway.
Such is the case with real-life couple Lexi Lamour and Ethan Cage. The scenario of an older (well, she's in her 30's, which is darkly erotic in our metropolitan areas) woman luring the 19-year-old Kaci to her home for a post-workout "protein shake" is almost feasible.
Kaci feigns surprise that Cage comes to pick the ladies up in his Honda. "I thought you said you weren't married," Kaci gamely protests.
"Oh, he's the one who makes the protein shakes," Lamour says.
If you lived in Southern California for at least three weeks and had breasts, it is likely the very same thing would happen to you.
Once home and with honest-to-God protein shakes delivered (in wax cups), Kaci is still shy.
"You seem intimidated," the confident and amiable Lamour says. "But you're in good hands."
"Am I?" Kaci asks.
The first scene of these movies is always the longest. It is usually the only one that bothers with an extended setup, establishing for the rest of the movie the dance long-term couples must do every goddamn time they lure home a teen.
But this movie takes its time with each interlude, which makes the title better.
Lamour dons a strap-on and Kaci reveals she has two pierced nipples and a tongue stud. "You're no innocent teen," I spat. One has the sinking feeling that this was all planned. Further de-hoisting my suspension of belief was Kaci's "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" t-shirt, ubiquitously available at the Erotica L.A. and AVN conventions.
Reality aside, if you're in the steam room and Lamour approaches, do anything she says. Get in the car with her and do anything she says.
Next up is Michelle and Reno scouting for Julie, who they find outside a panaderia selling nuts for a school trip. As intriguing was the backstory, I fast-forwarded. The interesting thing was that Julie probably made more money with this scene than she would have selling trinkets in a parking lot.
The Couples Seduce Teens series has evolved a little since the last time we visited it. A little more attention is paid to a throughline, and it pays off. The setups don't take the audience for granted, either; no one believes this is really happening, but the reactions are fun to watch.
Especially when potential babysitter Kinzy comes by to Veronica Rayne's house to find her and her husband, Joe (Pink Visual keeps budgets low by not identifying any of the couples in the credits and reducing the teens to single names ... this is infuriating) in the hot tub naked.
"Sorry," they say. "Whoops."
The couple quiz Kinzy on her sexual activity.
"Is this a question you should ask babysitters?" she asks.
"Well, I don't want to come home and find you and your boyfriend having sex on the couch," Joe replies, his dick hanging out of his towel. "Not that that would be bad."
Kinzy is the most reticent of the teens; she takes some working on. At the end, she finds that the couples' "babies" are dogs. It's sweet.
Lexi and Ethan are back for a tryst with Emily Evermore, who they find at Porn Valley's Pierce College. If Kinzy was reticent to the point of being a little boring, Evermore breaks her innocent character now and then with porn tropes like "How do you like that pussy??"
A movie that tries its best to conform to the tenets of reality porn, Couples Seduce Teens 6 succeeds through the exertions of its horny couples, even if the girls they pick up don't seem worth the effort. Myself, I would have just stayed home with Lexi or Veronica. Jesus. Who needs teens?
Labels: dvd, pink visual, reality, reviews
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 Studio: ClubJenna/Vivid
Director: Justin Sterling
Cast: Jenna Jameson, Janine Lindemulder, Justine Joli, Justin Sterling, Manuel Ferrara, Julian, Dominica Leon, Jerry, Reno, Nicole Brazzle, Veronica Lynn, Cherokee, Sativa Rose, Tommy Gunn, Katja Kassin, Vera Vanguard, Nauduia Nice, Horace, Mario Rossi, Envy, David Lavern, Dolph DeBernenal, Vincent Vega
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
Janine Loves Jenna is the most anticipated porn movie of the past several years. It was made in 2005, which is like 1989 to you and me.
It is a movie with a moral: no matter how distraught you are after your limo driver doesn't pay attention because he's watching you fellate your partner in the back seat and wrecks the car, killing her, it is a sin to kill oneself.
(A clarification was suggested by a Vatican II scholar. Suicide is no longer considered a mortal - meaning Hellbound - sin, but a grave sin which is up to The Man Upstairs to judge. I will gracefully defer to God in determining ClubJenna's fate.)
The suicide in question is Miss Jenna Jameson, and her recent real-life worries make a movie about her "journey through Hell" seem ripped from the headlines. Just remember, though, that this film opens with a fatal car crash and a suicide. Are you hard yet?
Like all porn movies and rock videos dealing with the underworld, the place is sexy. Dudes in red capes wave censers while Janine goes down on Justine Joli. Jenna, an initiate, is then brought into the threesome. If this sounds abrupt, it is. No sooner has Jenna slit her wrists in a bathtub of despair that she winds up in Hell (which is how it works in the Bible, too) and in a sapphic menage a trois. Abrupt also characterizes the shots; we don't hold long enough on any one image to get a rise out of it.
If it hard enough to believe that a tryst with Janine and Justine Joli would occur in Hell, it is unfathomable that Jenna gets on top when the dildos come out.
Janine explains (and it is revealed that Janine was the dearly fellated departed in the limo) that she understands this place, and it is not Hell per se, but its vestibule. And she knows how to get out. They plot their escape. Janine points to a monitor where there appears to be a Kink.com scene going on.
"Don't let that distract you," Janine says.
For some reason, Jenna and Janine, wearing kimonos and wielding parasols, hook up with some dudes in a rain-soaked alley.
Then, at the Deadly Sin Diner, the girls are in shiny bikinis and encounter a waiter reminiscent of guys one meets at adult webmaster conventions. He recommends Lust with a side of Greed. Katja Kassin makes greed look good.
Finally, the girls reach Hades himself. He decides to take Jenna for a spin, as the depravity around him has grown boring. Seriously, if pornfolk paint Hell as a crazy joyride of mindless fucking that they want to escape, how would they define what they do for a living?
One way to escape Hell, the film reveals, is to look hot naked (this also works for speeding tickets). Jenna wakes up in her bloody bathtub, somewhere before or after wrist-slashing, and has the film's best scene with Janine here in the real world, complete with choking and candles in the butt.
I will not tell you how the film ended. Not because I feel spoilers are wrong in porn movies but because I didn't understand it. Did she commit suicide or didn't she? Justin Sterling finds her in the bathtub. He seems sad about it.
Janine Loves Jenna pairs a generation's last porn superstars. They are the same age as women who in gonzo movies would be considered MILFs, but Jenna and Janine retain the glamour expected of early '90's performers.
Why producers thought that what will probably be the final super twosome (unless Jenna makes a movie with Tera, which seems unlikely) should be set in a BDSM Hell rather than, say, having the two be hardened but sexy cops is beyond me, but my picture of Hell has always involved people I don't want to have sex with.
Solid acting (especially from the guy who played the Devil), sex scenes that get better as the movie goes along, and a great couple of scenes from two fan favorites make J Hearts J worth watching. The locale, however, is beneath them.
Labels: clubjenna, dvd, janine, jenna jameson, MILF, reviews, vivid, wgl
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Studio: Pink Visual
