Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Daniel Dakota
Cast: Carmen Luvana, Steven St. Croix, Tommy Gunn, Roxy Jezel, Lacie Heart, Michelle Maylene, Nadia Styles, Derrick Pierce, Will Powers, Seth Dickens
Portions of this review originally appeared on FleshbotPorn has a solution for everything.
Jane Blond: DD7 was much better than
Johnny English and most of the Roger Moore
James Bonds, and had a quirky sense of humor that some of the cast were up to delivering.
But what if you are a director and someone in your movie can't deliver dialogue (like Denise Richards in
The World Is Not Enough)? The solution: make her naked fast.
Jane Blond (Carmen Luvana), works for the Associated Network of Underground Superspies (ANUS), and it only gets better from there.
She and her boss, Professor X (Steven St. Croix), are bent on bringing to justice the organization known as COCK (I forget) headed by Dr. Cock (Tommy Gunn).
Steven St. Croix is the William Shatner of porn, drifting in and out of self-effacing roles. Here he plays Luvana's sad-sack boss in full Will Ferrell mode, and enjoys a scene with a post-
Atomic Vixens and pre-Vivid contract Lacie Heart.
That this movie has a B story is admirable, and St. Croix and Heart play their scenes well. Kudos also go to the production for employing current technology - like video iPods and laser-shooting dildos - to move the story along.
But sometimes we have let things go. Carmen Luvana is sexier than Jesus Christ Himself and twice as friendly, but she is not the ham director Daniel Dakota needs her to be in this movie, and her lines fall flat (see: Roger Moore).
The feature porn film is the only venue in which gender inequality favors women. The fellows, particularly St. Croix and Tommy Gunn, actually act, and, unless something was very different with this production, were paid less than their female counterparts.
This movie aimed high, though, and was very nicely shot and contained the caliber of sex America has come to demand of Luvana. She has two big movies coming up for Adam & Eve, Ernest Greene's
O - The Power of Submission and Dakota's
Lady Scarface. I hope they play to her strengths.
As the above-the-line badass, Luvana's best acting is non-verbal. Whereas 99 percent of porn scenes usually start with a blowjob, Luvana's Blond immediately sits on Seth Dickens' face in their scene together.
It's worth a thousand words.
Buy it.
Studio: Sin City
Director: Barrett Blade
Cast: Lisa Ann, Davia Ardell, Veronica Rayne, Dani Sexton, Cheyenne Hunter, Sue Diamond
Portions of this review originally appeared on FleshbotWithout coming right out and saying MILF (wait a minute - oh, they
do), Sin City has released an effort featuring OMELETTEs, or Older, More Experienced Ladies Extending Their Tartiness Energetically.
Director Barrett Blade doesn't waste much time getting into the first story, in which the delightful Davia Ardell seduces her daughter's boyfriend. Ardell is the perfectly-engineered SoCal porn girl, though she grew up in Texas. She is a platinum blonde with large breasts that do not move. Normally I am not turned on by excessive modifications (this goes for steveporn talent as well - just because you don't have a boob job doesn't make acres of tattoos and steelwork easier to get around), but attitude goes a long way for your humble narrator; I wish
I was dating Ardell's daughter.
So here's the problem. Ardell's profile on
IAFD lists her age at 31, and the date pf production was a week or so after Ardell's birthday. Her scene partner looks about as old, or older, as she is. How old must her daughter be? Thinking too much about these things is counterproductive, but even thinking a little raises questions. Are we supposed to look at someone like Davia Ardell as
old? What, then, are people to do with the remaining 60 years of their lives?
Pay for porn movies, probably. Shudder.
Veronica Rayne comes next. She takes on two job applicants. "It's an
oral interview," she says.
It is in this scene that the MILF-bomb is dropped. Back in Bogue Chitto when I was 18 (I'm 19 now), we didn't think that women over 25 were old. Over 40 maybe. But those were simpler times. Was it because Rayne had a
job that these young slackers thought she was a MILF?
The next scene features some stunt casting. Lisa Ann has lately returned to on-camera work after a several-year hiatus. In the interim she worked as a porn talent agent. She is one of two people in this movie who actually appear to have borne children. That her scene involves her busting her daughter's boyfriend and, again, seducing him doesn't hold much water; she finds him in her daughter's room sniffing panties. While we do see Lisa Ann's C-section scar we do not believe that she could have a daughter of an age that would allow panty-sniffing as a legally-consensual act.
You get what I'm saying? My reaction is bad enough when the term MILF is used for women who aren't actually moms, but the performers in this movie do not look like they could have daughters of consenting age.
This movie should be cited for Implied Creepiness. I'm just hoping the "Are you fucking my daughter?" element gets edited out when "Who's Your Momma?" shows up on Oxygen.
Dani Sexton and Cheyenne Hunter come next. Both look like moms. They are having a girls' weekend without husbands or kids and, like women do, they are drinking flat margaritas or box wine in their bikinis and high heels. They call a stripper. Billy Glide comes by and, without music or anything, he takes off his clothes.
"Aren't you going to do a strip-tease?" Sexton asks.
"Strip-tease? Are you drunk?" Glide asks ("a little," Sexton replies). "I'm an
escort."
Against all the rules of straight male escorting, Glide walks straight into the blowjob. No kissing, no foreplay, no "Your husband needs to appreciate how beautiful you are", nothing. That Hunter and Sexton ordered Glide to "6969 Anus Street" should have warned me that my credulity was about to be stretched.
Finally, Sue Diamond meets a fellow in a cosy place. Despite both of their thick accents, he seems surprised she is European. Fucking ensues.
Who's Your Momma? is a solid piece of pornography once you've recalibrated your suspension of disbelief.
Buy it.
Studio: Profane Pirate
Director: Benny Profane
Cast: Profane, Zoe Matthews, Audacia Ray, Caroline Pierce
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
"Darling," says the Fumar/No Fumar scofflaw Audacia Ray, "I need something for my oral fixation."
Welcome to the fourth installment of Benny Profane's DIY porn Psychocandy, in which women Benny thinks are cute get invited to his house over the course of a year when funds allow, Rilke is quoted, and Transformers are fetishized as much as the usual suspects.
Watching a Benny Profane movie is like patronizing a Mom & Pop(shot) store; there's things in there you won't find anywhere else, but you have to get used to the fact that everything isn't where you expect it.
For those of you who've wondered how sex bloggers do it, wait no longer. East Coast intellectual Audacia Ray stops by Profane's place and she fucks him, Viagra-free, with her glasses on and her hair in her trademark sensible bun array. She's pale and full-figured by porn standards, and looks like a woman who got a job at the library while her dungeon was being painted.
The final shot of their scene made me vaguely uncomfortable in the way all gratuitous cum-consumption shots do; after the popshot, well framed on Ray's belly, the camera edges in closer and closer until all we see is a viscous, bulby landscape of pubes and semen. What is Profane trying to tell us?
"The Plasma Twins", a section featuring Profane and an uncharacteristically brunette Zoe Matthews, is notable not only for its "Bolero" soundtrack but also for Matthews'distinct resemblance to the missing porn link. She looks partly like the proto Eon McKai model but partly like a real-live girl. She wears fishnets and heels, sure, but maybe it's dress-up day at the Costco where she works.
This scene is particularly poignant. It is the oldest of the scenes and is the least practiced. There's a lot of laughing from both performers.
Caroline Pierce's "Geisha Mermaid" scene was shot around the time she appeared in Profane's VCA movie Barbed Wire Kiss. Aside from themes of heroin use and the Tarot, this scene might have been part of Barbed Wire Kiss - it was shot by the same camera person, too.
Except in Psychocandy 4 the scene between Pierce and Profane seems to have more feeling. There's more hugging going on. Pierce smiles a lot. What's refreshing about the movie thus far is that the only person who does any sort of porn star mugging is, of all people, Audacia Ray, who hadn't performed in a porn scene before.
Throughout the movie, which was filmed over two years, there are random mid-scene lighting adjustments and camera flashes. As Profane appears to prefer women whose pallor matches his own, there is also a problem with frequent oversaturation.
This didn't matter to me; I think it made them all look like angels.
The final, Moria-themed scene, moved to a second disc due to the longer-than-standard duration of each of the previous vignettes features Sexy Lexi. Lexi is like all the female performers on the previous disc Brundlefly'd together. She is pale, heavier than porn standard, bespectacled, and tattoed. Her tattoo? A horsie. There's also a butterfly.
Lexi's scene is anticlimactic, however, in that it lacks the fun of other pairings. Bonus scenes with each of the girls, mostly shot in Profane's kitchen, are all about the director worshiping his castmates.
In addition to his website, Profane sells these movies out of the back of his car. They are like folk art. Let's hope enough people support their local pornographer so that the next Psychocandy doesn't take two more years to arrive.
