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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Screenplay: Nelson X
Cast: Missy Monroe, Haley Paige, Frank Bukkwyd, Evan Stone, Joey Hart, James Deen, Eva Angelina, Jasmine Tame, Charlotte Stokely
"Ladies, every time you let a guy nut in your snatch just because he's a professional skater or drives a Mitsubishi Lancer with Chinese writing on the side, you are polluting the social soup."
This is one of several hilarious lines uttered—without cutaways!—in Hustler's soon-to-be-released "Da Vinci Load".
Dan Brown should thank "Da Vinci Load" writer Nelson X and director Jerome Tanner for adapting his execrable book for the proper medium: porn.
Operatives of the Priory of Semen, including penile profiler Dr. Nadia Saint (Missy Monroe) discover that Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa using his own sperm. Determined to resurrect Da Vinci and overjoyed that the master's sperm was not all "lost up a man's ass", they steal the painting and kill anyone who gets in their way.
This is already so much more believable than that whole Virgin Mary thing.
The actors often fall just slightly short of Nelson X's script, which is the most dialogue-intensive porn script since "Personal Best". Somehow this makes the tongue-in-cheek movie better.
Standout sex scenes are delivered by fleshpots Monroe, Hailey Paige, and Tory Lane, and Frank Bukkwyd and Evan Stone ham it up with gusto:
Monroe: So Da Vinci jerked off in his paintings?
Stone (as Professor Lee Teabag): It's just the way things were done!
Since AVN adds award categories each year the way the Great Salt Lake encroaches on Tooele, I hope that there is room for a Best Adapted Screenplay award next year.
I visited the set for this movie in December. Here are my thoughtful musings.
Check out a gallery here.
 Labels: Charlotte Stokely, Eva Angelina, evan stone, Frank Bukkwyd, Haley Paige, hustler, James Deen, Jasmine Tame, Joey Hart, Missy Monroe
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Tristan Taormino's House of Ass
 Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Tristan Taormino
Cast: Joanna Angel, Justine Joli, Sarah Blake, Keaani Lei, Saana, Mr. Marcus, Scott Nails, Talon, Jezebelle Bond, Justin Syder
The motif for "H of A" is a simple "Real World" spin-off with eight porn stars (Joanna Angel, Mr. Marcus, Scott Nails, Justine Joli, Sarah Blake, Jezebelle Bond, Keaani Lei, and Justin Syder) traveling to the San Bernardino Mountains to see what happens when people stop being clothed and start fucking each other.
Taormino acts as group leader, guiding the gang through discussions about male and female oral methods as well as pointing out some particularly appealing sex toys. Taormino is not impartial; she's clearly in the girls' corner when disagreements arise.
The sex scenes are interspersed with "confessional" segments and opportunities for cast members to take the camera. We are treated to footage of Joanna Angel scrubbing the tub she's about to fuck in.
Perhaps because the performers were away from the Valley and committed throughout the July 2005 weekend of filming, there isn't ever a sense of phoned-in performance. In fact, Angel's scene with Scott Nails, shot mostly with natural light, seems as authentic as a porn movie can get while someone is wearing high heels in the bathtub.
Joanna Angel is all over this movie to the point that it should have been called "Joanna Angel's House of Joanna Angel And Friends". This would be a problem if Angel's scenes in this film weren't some of the best of her short career. In addition to Nails, Angel teams up with Mr. Marcus for her first interracial scene (this apparently has some significance but I've never understood why. Angel recounts an early interview in which she was asked what sort of things she would and wouldn't do in porn. When it came to interracial, she said she wouldn't because she hadn't yet done it "in real life". "Does it make me racist if I let a white stranger come all over my face but not a black one?" she asks the camera) and Justine Joli.
Joli performs with Sarah Blake as well, and Blake debunks the myth that there are no more fluffers in porn.
Reality TV tropes are exploited, for the most part, well. In order for them to work, the audience has to feel like they're watching the real thing. That Joli, Blake, Angel, and Mr. Marcus have real affection for their partners is apparent, and Keaani Lei emerges as the most unguarded performer of the bunch, describing her hearth rug scene with Mr. Marcus as "magical".
But some things get in the way, mostly Taormino herself. We know this is her own House of Ass, but we are already aware of what everyone is doing there. As much as we like her personally, her presence on camera is confusing. We don't need someone running around with clothes on showing the performers where the dildos are. These people are professionals; they can find the dildos. Devices like the "Perv Cam" are similarly extraneous.
But where it works, this House of Ass is on fire. There is even some real drama when Justin Syder and girlfriend Jezebelle Bond leave the shoot because they have second thoughts about their upcoming performances. They are replaced by Saana and some guy named Talon for the final orgy scene.
Personalities appear in the movie where they may have had trouble shining through in any other project. Angel is always awkward, except when she is having sex, at which point she is enthusiastically submissive. Joli and Blake alternate who's on top. Mr. Marcus plays it cool and gentlemanly in a Red Sox hat. Scott Nails is a little arrogant but the girls like him anyway. Keaani Lei is unpolished and sincere.
The real stars of this movie, however, are the location and the light. It is refreshing to not see the same old sets and the same old formula. The actors seem to feel this, too (although Bond and Syder appeared unwilling to make the adjustment), and their performances reflect this.
Here is my anonymous blurb for messageboards:
With the Real World-style House of Ass so off da hook, could Making the Band of Ass be far behind?
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Kurupt: Uncut XXX
 Studio: VCA
Director: Shooter
Cast: Kurupt, Baby Girl, Melodee Bliss, Cherokee, Roxy Reynolds, Sydnee Capri
Since the gonzo style of porn filmmaking originated in 1458, there have been few changes to its structure of Girl Masturbates to Offscreen Voice, Guy Shows Up, They Get Into It, She catches One in the Eye. That is until the Rap-to-Porn video was invented.
In the Rap-to-Porn video, the Gonzo format is interrupted, if not subverted, by the trope of dirty hijinks ensuing during the making of a hip hop video. This is Chomsky talking, not me.
Kurupt: Uncut XXX begins with Kurupt and homie (this is from the text) Jelly Roll laying down tracks for their uncut hit single "She likes to what?" I didn't know how something could be a hit before it was cut and released, but I assume that stuff works in the same way my being on the pre-order list for the next "Harry Potter" does.
Kurupt has an efficient entourage, so when groupies arrive they are made to sit in a waiting room and then they are serviced by a member of the staff. After a while, it seems as if the groupies arrived at the studio for no other reason than to be serviced by the staff.
The first groupie doesn't even get to see Kurupt. Imagine if you or I went to go have sex with Belinda Carlisle and we only got a blowjob from Jane Wiedlin's hair person.
So that's what happens with Cherokee and John E. Depth. While showing her around the studio he asks if she knows what a mic check is. (She does. It is different from when I won tickets to the Up with People rehearsal.)
The next scene is on location at the Southern California set of the video. The same thing happens. While trying to get closer to Kurupt (that's all these women want to do), Baby Girl (just not a good choice of a name for a porn actress, period) is pawned off on Cuntre Pipes. She goes willingly, leaving all thought of Kurupt behind.
By now I was wondering if young, skinny Kurupt had any idea that his underlings were keeping such exquisite phat buttz from him.
Kurupt's cousin, D. Wise, is worried that none of the women on the set are giving him any play. Under the auspices of kickstarting Melodee Bliss' modeling career, he starts taking some still pictures. Bliss and D. Wise do the best acting job in the movie as they spend several minutes going back and forth about his trustworthiness.
After he finally cajoles her into going to bed with him, he tells her to "wipe that shit off your mouth" (it's come, not shit, and I'm mailing back my degree in the morning).
"Oh no he didn't," Bliss says to the camera.
As the day of the video shoot wears on, there seem to be more and more women lounging around in places where the video shoot isn't taking place. I began to believe that there is something about Kurupt that actually repels these women, because if they were really adamant about seeing him they would stop lolling about in the upstairs bedroom, the jacuzzi, or the pool and walk over to where the cameras were and where people were getting their logo ballcaps pixillated.
In such a non-go-getter attitude does the next Kurupt functionary find Sydnee Capri talking on a cell hone by the tub in a bikini. She offers no resistance whatsoever. (In fact, she actually checks her nails at the beginning of chapter 39.)
Upon viewing the final cut of the video at the end of the movie, it was sad to see that few of the women who had so trustingly given themselves to Kurupt's crew were even in it. The quest for celebrity makes us do strange things. I got the impression that the booty-shaking featured extras might have been surprised that there was a porn shoot going on on the grounds of the same mansion.
I feel bad for Kurupt, but he chose his friends.
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Studio: Hustler
