Studio: Billy Glide
Director: Billy Glide
Cast: Billy Glide, Taylor Rain, Cassie Young, Missy Monroe, Nick Manning

What is it like to hang around with Billy Glide? Watching this movie made me think of the first porns I'd ever seen, the gonzos that were shot before the term was attached to porn, with a videotape camera with a scratched lens.

Judging from the previews, Billy gets a bunch of girls together and heads to some location in Southern California, whether it be Big Bear or, in this case, Catalina Island, and spends the weekend with his buddies drinking, smoking, and fucking them.

This is a lifestyle I don't know. I don't wear a baseball cap. I was never a frat guy at a state school. There's something about Billy I don't trust.

But the guy has fun. What this and Glide's other movies have in common is a home video style that doesn't bother with standard porn conventions. The sound is bad, the camera work is bad, and there is no setup or narrative to speak of. It is hard to follow.

Despite all this, it seems real. Glide and pals fly to Catalina Island by helicopter to a beautiful rented house. The girls are impressed the way people who are impressed with that sort of thing are. It's real. So, though it takes about 15 minutes to get to the first "scene" with Nick Manning and Cassie Young on the kitchen floor (people walk in and out getting chips), one gets the feeling that that is how long it would actually take Nick and Cassie to get together.

After a barbecue the next day, the gang greets Nadia Styles, who just helicoptered in. I realize that what most people would use for Behind the Scenes footage Glide uses for his whole movie.

We follow the cast around the house. People appear on camera and we never see them again. It is as if household chores include washing the dishes, running the barbecue, and filming or appearing in scenes. That is how Taylor Rain comes to fuck Billy, how Missy Monroe and Nadia get together, and how the couch is used for a four-way. Anyone accustomed to traditional porn movies of the past seven years would find this difficult to watch. Instead, you should watch this movie like The Real World - Catalina except with better sex, no fighting, and a greater age difference between male and female cast members.

As a documentary of porn lifestyles (porn manager Harry Weiss appears as himself, as he does in real life), Billy Glide's XXX Adventures is almost flawless and lacks only suitcase pimps and bounced checks to be complete. As porn, it's caught between 1989 and Awful.

But then comes the Pizza Guy scene. Billy and Pals try to get Missy Monroe to give the pizza guy a blowjob. He declines, red-faced. I didn't know Catalina Island had pizza guys, for one, and it was the pizza guy who backed out - not Missy. That's gotta be a point in their favor.

In the end I realized I would like to hang out with Billy Glide and His Friends, even if they seem like the type of guys who would try to beat me up in high school. Things change, don't they? Can't they? I'm willing to take that chance of not repeating the pizza guy's mistake.

So watch it as a documentary - it works.

Studio: "The Princess Has Come of Age Team"/Black Widow
Director: "The Princess Has Come of Age Team"
Cast: animated, none credited

"In a far away galaxy a princess as soon as she comes of age, has to choose an husband."

The story behind this movie is that several Italian CGI artists decided to create a porn movie as a means of kickstarting their company. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has popped sheepish wood to any Disney princess that animators, having no access to real women, tend to create excellent fake ones.

The princess in this tale is the best kind: a naked humanoid space one.

We get right into the action in a pentahedral space station that would be familiar to anyone who has ever played Quake 3. Our princess, who looks like a combination of Gumby and Natalie Imbruglia, emerges naked into a lobby area off of which five spaceships have docked. Inside each spaceships awaits a suitor who must please the princess sexually in order to gain her hand in marriage.

There is a bit of breathy Speed Racer-style overdubbed dialogue, but fortunately our heroine is ready to go and already undressed so the ET-fucking begins immediately.

Her first boyfriend is a house-elf looking deviant with an adjustable schlong. At first the princess laughs at him, but he soon services her quite handily after a blowjob. It is comforting to know that, even in space, all porn begins with a blowjob.

Not explained to the audience is if this is, in fact, the princess' first sex ever. If this is truly her deflowering, she's already pretty good. One assumes she learned her technique at a space Montessori school.

Next up is a cross between the Iron Giant and OCP's evil prototype in Robocop.Here our princess must cope with several attachments in several holes at once, but she takes all of them like a champ.

At this point I think the machine has the advantage with the princess even though it is clear that theirs would be a relationship without intimacy. The previous scene's gnome just looks common.

Her third partner is a big plant. I can't see how that could ever last.

The princess' fourth prospect is a silvery I, Robot lesbian who services her in zero gravity. This is all fine, but everyone knows that sex dies early in lesbian relationships, even in weightless ones.

I assumed the final contender would also be humanoid and the princess would make the safe decision and stay with her own kind after sowing her oats with the Mos Isely crowd. Instead Bachelor Number Five is a monstrous thing that shoots two penis birds out of its mouth who do all the work for him. I doubt she could really be happy with him, but at least she is polite.

Throughout the movie I wondered about the princess' parents. Where the hell were they?

By this point I was at the edge of my seat. Whom would the princess choose? I was hoping for the machine, because at least he was clean, but I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THE ENDING!!!!

The Princess Has Come of Age is a short movie that plays like the experiment it was, and is ideal for background viewing or, better, as the contents of a secret room of Castle Wolfenstein.