|
|
Breakin' in the New Chick 2
 Studio: VCA/Excessive
Director: Mr. Pete
Cast: Sophie Dee, Mya Luanna, Alicia Angel, Kaiya Lynn, Nikki Nievez, Havana Ginger
I feel the same way about porn movies as I do about mainstream releases like The Cider House Rules: if the formula works, there's no need to mess with it. People who really want to enjoy a movie will willingly suppress their expensive formula-spotting mechanisms unless the formulae go wrong.
Breakin' in the New Chick 2 starts exactly the way thousands of porn films do, and I don't care. Alicia Angel is facing the camera, addressing the camera operator (Mr. Pete), who is kvelling appropriately. His hand comes out of the frame, she sucks on it, etc.
The problem is, she doesn't have a microphone on. We can hear Mr. Pete just fine, but we can't hear her. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe she would have said something racially or politically insensitive to me and I would have been offended and left the room in a huff. But I know how much a wireless mic and/or a boom guy cost, and I'm sure if there was money in the budget for a big porn rental house, then we might have heard Alicia Angel's bon mots.
The combination of Mr. Pete's near-whispered stage instructions while the talent goes through the paces with other men (like Ben English) tends to be both creepy and focus-pulling. Alicia doesn't know whether to look at Ben, who slaps her ass and appraises her other marketable parts, or pay attention to Mr. Pete, who continues saying things like "you're so fucking hot" from behind the camera. She's in a tough position.
After Angel is "broken in", we find Kaiya Lynn servicing herself on a couch. The couch is upholstered with a low-pile velour material.
Nice couch.
It eventually becomes unbearable to listen to Mr. Pete whispering to the girls. It's not that he's cruel or tells them dumb jokes, it's just that his enthusiasm is communicated in a way that makes me cringe. Yet I want to be thereB in case somebody says something that will suddenly provide an answer to why I'm doing this sort of thing for a living, so I keep the sound up.
Mr. Pete always picks visually-arresting, dirtier-than-the-norm girls, and Kaiya delivers a yelly scene in which she isn't as distracted by the stage directions as she might be if she were a copier repair person. She's a pro.
As is Mya Luanna, whose lurid, Indonesian cathouse-inflected scene comes next. Luanna is delightfully fleshy.
Boxcover girl Sophie Dee comes next. I think a team of porn engineers could not have crafted as perfect a pornish game hen as Sophie. She has the eyes of a fashion model with the accessibility of a Jack the Ripper-era streetwalker (she's Welsh). She has teeth like Belladonna (that's a good thing) and looks like she could replace the water cooler bottle after fucking you. She is too pretty for this movie.
When Mr. Pete asks, "Would you like to suck this cock?" she replies, "I'll give it a go" which translates as "I'm being paid for this, aren't I?"
The final scene teams Mr. Pete with Havana Ginger and Nikki Nievez. Again, he sure knows how to pick 'em.
Aliens poking through the remnants of our civilization in four years and finding only Breakin' in the New Chick 2 would come to the conclusion that most Earth women had tongue studs and all Earth men were difficult to hear in addition to being breathily obsequious. This movie would have been better if we didn't hear Mr. Pete at all.
VCA's and Hustler's DVDs also follow a formula that makes it easy to skip around between scenes and get access to specific performers. This makes the annoying bits of this movie easier to get over.
Read the Full Story
 Studio: Chatsworth Pictures
Director: Cram & Grip Johnson
Cast: Sierra Sinn, Brooklyn Night, Michelle Sweet, Deja Daire, Tyla Wynn, Desire Moore, Nicki Hunter, Genesis Skye, Annie Cruz, Macee Morrison, Lilliana Monroe, Celestia Star
I don't understand the foot fetish, so I thought I'd review the foot fetish film Arch Enemies. It is the porn equivalent of my discussing mortgage rates or the Masons with you.
Do you know how the Clampetts of 'Beverly Hillbillies' would do all sorts of egregiously inappropriate things and not know how egregiously inappropriate they were being, due to their lack of culture? I will endeavor to avoid any such slights brought about by my hayseed's knowledge of foot worship by describing everything I can.
From the moment Sierra Sinn and Deja Daire announced they were the namesakes of the movie, I knew I was in for some work. The camera pulled back to reveal the two on their knees in front of Chris Mountain (shoe size 13). Mountain was in shorts and reclining on a leatherette couch placed in a linoleum-tiled room. Am I making you hot, fetishists?
The two girls got busy putting Mountain's feet in their mouths. Is it part of the allure to have clean feet or dirty feet? If his feet were dirty, the girls didn't seeem to mind, as they attacked his piggies with gusto. After some more conventional porn movie moves like blowjobs (albeit with a strong foot inflection and Sinn's penchant to spit on Mountain's toes the way one wood a penis in any other filthy movie), the gang retired to the couch for some pedal resolution of Mountain's needs.
What with Mountain looking at the camera every now and then and Daire appearing like she was hoping to be paid in cash, I couldn't imagine what new wonders the next several scenes could possibly present me.
The following scenes did not vary from the pattern of two girls on one guy with no penile/vaginal interplay. It reminded me of the Far Side cartoon depicting amoebae restrooms ("Only they know the difference"); I knew there must be variations a foot afficianado would pick up, but I could only notice similarities in formula.
"The foot thing is bigger than anyone thought it would be," director Grip Johnson told me, echoing the words of Gina Lynn, who remarked several days before that she hadn't known how popular the foot market was in porn until someone gasped when she told him she had size fours.
Watching several performers I'd seen before in non-fetish fare made me again respect the work these people do. I'm not kidding. It's one thing to keep it hard or wet under the hot lights, but it is another to transition with aplomb to a subgenre in which the rules aren't familiar. The Johnson Brothers don't make particularly expensive movies (the money goes to their press releases), so I'd be interested to see what a big-budget footie movie for high-end purists would look like.
Back in Arch Enemies, Annie Cruz, the trooper, gave it her all in a scene with Macee Morrison and Guy Dasilva. The scene looked like it meant something to her. I just noticed the costumes.
I comfort myself that, in situations where, say, looking at feet might make one ill, looking at costumes instead doesn't make one gay.
How did Chris Mountain prepare himself for the role?
"I am wearing all the time: boots," he said.
Read the Full Story
 Studio: VCA
Director: Eon McKai
Cast: Joanna Angel, Riley Mason, Justine Joli, Felix Vicious, Tiger, Sierra Sin, Veronica Hart, Cricket Suicide, James Deen, Tommy Pistol, Dirty Harry
Eon McKai's Neu Wave Hookers is the first postmodern porn in an industry just grown up enough to support one.
One can't attend a Las Vegas porn convention without it being brought home that, though producing adult material is an easy way to make money for the right person or people, often those people think that having made money makes their products worthwhile. Add to that the fact that people are still threatened with jail for distributing certain adult fare and it's understandable why the negligible product itself is often mistakenly associated with the significance of society's demand for it.
Into this comes NWH, a very silly, winking, and documentary porn that employs VCA's now-drinking-aged New Wave Hookers as a jumping-off point to indulge some of McKai's common themes and, in so doing, make successes out of his missteps.
Two punky escorts, Joanna Angel and Riley Mason, find not only a VCR but also a box of New Wave Hooker videocassettes at a yard sale run by Vena Virago, Neu's art director. The call girls get home and watch the film with a group of similarly-occupied friends, played by Justine Joli, Felix Vicious, Sierra Sinn, and Tiger.
What follows is a loosely-plotted series of fantasies and flashbacks characterized by liberal use of two McKai trademarks: the manual zoom and music video-style editing.
Old Man's Hands, played by Dirty Harry, offsets the general whimsy of the film by portraying the kind of creepy john none of the young hookers likes (the movie says something, too, about this generation's hookers - they turn down sex even as the money offered increases. What kind of world is it when creepy guys can't even get laid for cash?)
In between bouts of fighting off Old Man's Hands in flashbacks, we are treated to boom-shadow scenes of him negotiating for yet more girls to maul.
What confused me about the juxtaposition of the girls-hanging-out scenes and the Old Man's Hands scenes or, now that I think about it, any scenes other than the Old Man's Hands scenes, was the really typical bad porn acting. McKai does try to turn this on its head by inserting bloopers into the film, but it seemed more of an adjustment after the fact.
For example, Joanna Angel and Riley Mason deliver dialogue like they're stuck at a boring party through much of the movie, but in Angel's riveting scene with Old Man's Hands, in which the Neu Wave Hooker needs a little coke to perform, there is no not recognizing the reality of that situation. If you've been around long enough, you recognize the girl in that scene, and it's heartbreaking. Let's hope that being around long enough doesn't also qualify you to be the guy in that scene, too.
The girls become so fascinated with the tapes that they decide to break into VCA headquarters. There they find the Lost Dark Documents, detailing Greg Dark's pivotal meeting with the underage Traci Lords at a Van Nuys carwash. Things were so crazy then that, according to a map, Magnolia was north of Oxnard.
In an inspired sequence featuring Dana DeArmond as Lords, captions tell us the VCA/Traci Lords story and further nail something that is an industry understatement: DeArmond didn't know who Lords was before taking the role and didn't care. Like Digital Playground's Robby D., McKai knows the old stuff and pays tribute to it in an industry that forgets easily.
As in all of McKai's movies, the style comes over the sex and the sex and the substance battle it out for primacy. Here the sex loses two out of three. It takes about fifteen minutes for the first sex scene to happen but, like interesting tales by the Johnson Brothers, it doesn't really matter.
The best sex in the movie is the all-girl orgy at the end (although my companion wondered why the not-as-pretty Tiger was included in the general Sapphic loveliness in which Joli and Vicious really stood out - it is worth noting that Tiger's character, who happens to be black, was the only Neu Wave Hooker to give Old Man's Hands the time of day in her flashback scene. Is McKai saying that white girls are entitled princesses who don't know the value of a dollar? If he isn't, then I am.)
VCA's marketing of this product is phenomenal. They got out of McKai's way and let him keep his proven crew (Alaska! on design, Jon San Nicolas on costumes, Malachi Ecks producing) and there is no reason to doubt VCA sales functionaries when they say this 3-disc set (it comes with not only a bonus/outtakes/music video reel but also the original 1985 Lords-excised New Wave Hookers) is selling like Tamiflu.
There are a lot of reasons to go out and buy this movie. The girls are pretty, the music is good, and the "I Dig It" sequence with James Deen, Tommy Pistol, Veronica Hart (in an hilarious cameo) and Sierra Sinn is abso-fucking-lutely delightful. But it is also the movie that lives up to McKai's hyping-by-others as well as an excellent takeoff on porn culture and history.
Prior to Neu Wave Hookers, McKai's movies have suffered from haters and hype. It was easy to shoot at the lined-up ducks in his movies simply because he was being hailed as the Next Big Thing in an industry where many legitimate Big Things are too often overlooked. With Neu Wave Hookers, his shit is together and, when it's not, he does a good job of covering it up.
Buy it.
Read the Full Story
 Studio: Billy Glide
Director: Billy Glide
Cast: Billy Glide, Taylor Rain, Cassie Young, Missy Monroe, Nick Manning
What is it like to hang around with Billy Glide? Watching this movie made me think of the first porns I'd ever seen, the gonzos that were shot before the term was attached to porn, with a videotape camera with a scratched lens.
Judging from the previews, Billy gets a bunch of girls together and heads to some location in Southern California, whether it be Big Bear or, in this case, Catalina Island, and spends the weekend with his buddies drinking, smoking, and fucking them.
This is a lifestyle I don't know. I don't wear a baseball cap. I was never a frat guy at a state school. There's something about Billy I don't trust.
But the guy has fun. What this and Glide's other movies have in common is a home video style that doesn't bother with standard porn conventions. The sound is bad, the camera work is bad, and there is no setup or narrative to speak of. It is hard to follow.
Despite all this, it seems real. Glide and pals fly to Catalina Island by helicopter to a beautiful rented house. The girls are impressed the way people who are impressed with that sort of thing are. It's real. So, though it takes about 15 minutes to get to the first "scene" with Nick Manning and Cassie Young on the kitchen floor (people walk in and out getting chips), one gets the feeling that that is how long it would actually take Nick and Cassie to get together.
After a barbecue the next day, the gang greets Nadia Styles, who just helicoptered in. I realize that what most people would use for Behind the Scenes footage Glide uses for his whole movie.
We follow the cast around the house. People appear on camera and we never see them again. It is as if household chores include washing the dishes, running the barbecue, and filming or appearing in scenes. That is how Taylor Rain comes to fuck Billy, how Missy Monroe and Nadia get together, and how the couch is used for a four-way. Anyone accustomed to traditional porn movies of the past seven years would find this difficult to watch. Instead, you should watch this movie like The Real World - Catalina except with better sex, no fighting, and a greater age difference between male and female cast members.
As a documentary of porn lifestyles (porn manager Harry Weiss appears as himself, as he does in real life), Billy Glide's XXX Adventures is almost flawless and lacks only suitcase pimps and bounced checks to be complete. As porn, it's caught between 1989 and Awful.
But then comes the Pizza Guy scene. Billy and Pals try to get Missy Monroe to give the pizza guy a blowjob. He declines, red-faced. I didn't know Catalina Island had pizza guys, for one, and it was the pizza guy who backed out - not Missy. That's gotta be a point in their favor.
In the end I realized I would like to hang out with Billy Glide and His Friends, even if they seem like the type of guys who would try to beat me up in high school. Things change, don't they? Can't they? I'm willing to take that chance of not repeating the pizza guy's mistake.
So watch it as a documentary - it works.
Read the Full Story
The Princess Has Come of Age
 Studio: "The Princess Has Come of Age Team"/Black Widow
Director: "The Princess Has Come of Age Team"
Cast: animated, none credited
"In a far away galaxy a princess as soon as she comes of age, has to choose an husband."
The story behind this movie is that several Italian CGI artists decided to create a porn movie as a means of kickstarting their company. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has popped sheepish wood to any Disney princess that animators, having no access to real women, tend to create excellent fake ones.
The princess in this tale is the best kind: a naked humanoid space one.
We get right into the action in a pentahedral space station that would be familiar to anyone who has ever played Quake 3. Our princess, who looks like a combination of Gumby and Natalie Imbruglia, emerges naked into a lobby area off of which five spaceships have docked. Inside each spaceships awaits a suitor who must please the princess sexually in order to gain her hand in marriage.
There is a bit of breathy Speed Racer-style overdubbed dialogue, but fortunately our heroine is ready to go and already undressed so the ET-fucking begins immediately.
Her first boyfriend is a house-elf looking deviant with an adjustable schlong. At first the princess laughs at him, but he soon services her quite handily after a blowjob. It is comforting to know that, even in space, all porn begins with a blowjob.
Not explained to the audience is if this is, in fact, the princess' first sex ever. If this is truly her deflowering, she's already pretty good. One assumes she learned her technique at a space Montessori school.
Next up is a cross between the Iron Giant and OCP's evil prototype in Robocop.Here our princess must cope with several attachments in several holes at once, but she takes all of them like a champ.
At this point I think the machine has the advantage with the princess even though it is clear that theirs would be a relationship without intimacy. The previous scene's gnome just looks common.
Her third partner is a big plant. I can't see how that could ever last.
The princess' fourth prospect is a silvery I, Robot lesbian who services her in zero gravity. This is all fine, but everyone knows that sex dies early in lesbian relationships, even in weightless ones.
I assumed the final contender would also be humanoid and the princess would make the safe decision and stay with her own kind after sowing her oats with the Mos Isely crowd. Instead Bachelor Number Five is a monstrous thing that shoots two penis birds out of its mouth who do all the work for him. I doubt she could really be happy with him, but at least she is polite.
Throughout the movie I wondered about the princess' parents. Where the hell were they?
By this point I was at the edge of my seat. Whom would the princess choose? I was hoping for the machine, because at least he was clean, but I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THE ENDING!!!!
The Princess Has Come of Age is a short movie that plays like the experiment it was, and is ideal for background viewing or, better, as the contents of a secret room of Castle Wolfenstein.
Read the Full Story
|
|
|
|
Studio: VCA/Excessive
