Studio: New Sensations
Director: Nic Andrews
Cast: Sunny Lane, Barrett Blade, Dillon, Monica Mayhem, Evan Stone, Destiny Deville, Karina Kay, August, Kirsten Price, David Crawford, Tommy Gunn, Tyler Durden, Ron Jeremy, Chris Webber.

Dark Angels 2 disappoints in just the place I expected it wouldn't, but is a solid contender everywhere else.

This vampire hunter sequel attempts to get out of Sunny Lane's way, but keeps crashing into her like its climactic and much-ballyhooed SUV rollover scene. Barrett Blade, as musclebound ex-LA cop and bane of the undead Jack Cross, appears more ripped as the movie progresses, probably hitting the weights between scenes out of frustration that Lane delivers lines like the blood is slowly draining from her.

At one point Blade, who carries the movie, observes that Lane looks tired. I'm sure that was improvised.

Lane is beautiful and virginal, picture-perfect as the innocent vessel of the "pure" blood a team of vampires crave, but though she has ample opportunity to just act - even a little - she keeps blowing it. Only a skinned-knee sex scene atop a dusty Mustang allows Lane to redeem this performance.

With a budget big enough for helicopter shots and porn-specific and not-overindulgent cinematography, director Nic Andrews doesn't squander the talent of his female cast, especially supporting players like Monica Mayhem and Karina Kay, who each deliver spectacularly in the small amount of screen time they're given.

Saddled with lines like, "Our existence is what we are," Dillon as vampire boss Draken has a tough time in a performance that doesn't allow for much variety. Even sidekick Evan Stone doesn't get to shine (he does get to fuck Mayhem, so don't feel bad for him). Tyler Durden as Lane's loser boyfriend also gets to chew a little scenery as a louse.

Evan Stone and Monica Mayhem have vampire sex, but his cum is normal. This defies my knowledge of vampire lore that I spent so much time attaining during my CSUN Associates program.

From a hype:payoff standpoint, however, Dark Angels 2 delivers the best bang of the year. Though there are no exemplary sex scenes, each looks good. Though the effects are a little tacky, they are not spectacularly so. It doesn't forget it's a porn movie, but it does forget, and often, that top-billed female talent should be right for the role. Lane was miscast.

Comparisons to Catherine and Pirates are numerous (there are skeletons, for example), but I'll save those for later.

The ending leaves room for a sequel, but until then, remember that "the world you live in is a sugar-coated topping. The real world - the world underneath - is a world of chaos, darkness, and vampires."

Studio: Nectar
Director: Damien Rossi
Cast: Taylor Rain, Cherokee, Alexis Malone, Dominica Leoni, Vanessa Lane, Texas

Impressively photographed and boasting a NIN-style soundtrack, Evil Bitches is visually impressive if not narratively up to par.

You might say, "Gram, you are my best friend and you've saved my life in the jungles and on the veldt, that time. But why should a gonzo/wall-to-wall movie be required to be narratively interesting?"

Well, Pandit, I'll tell you, using Taylor Rain's scene with a Rutger Hauer-looking guy as an example.

Rain walks into the scene to the accompaniment of a badass-first person shooter viodeogame soundtrack. Quick, anachronistic editing has her all over the room in various stages of undress, approaching a man lying on a table, alone, in a chair, crawling toward the camera, etc. While some might find this interesting who are doing other things, like washing dishes or doing rails of a stripper's taint, people who might be paying attention grow quickly disoriented. The music runs out and Rain and the Hitchhiker get down to it. At that point the shooting is fairly straightforward.

So what I'm saying is that the lead-ins take the role normally occupied by dialogue scenes, but there's no way to skip through them.

Nearly-translucent Dominica Leoni is up next. She reminds me of Liliane Tiger and the women cast by various Euro-friendly directors (like Michael Ninn) except that, unlike Catherine, Rossi's movie is generous, once the scene begins in earnest, with long, slow shots. It turns out Leoni is also European. I am a superficial person for not paying attention to her voice.

Tattooed and voluptuous Texas executes a quick solo scene with a glass dildo, making me wish I could employ her to wash my windows, and she is followed by Cherokee, similar in build and slightly oiled.

Still, why are these women evil? How are they bitches? Each of these women only pay lip service - literally - to evilness and bitchitude.None of the guys involved has yet not fucked any one of them.

Alexis Malone, made up like a Flock of Seagulls, begins her scene, as did Rain and Cherokee, at a crawl. It might be the eye shadow, but she looks a little bored.

Only Vanessa Lane, in the final scene, really sells the idea of evil bitch. She has a black widow look about her and sucks cock like a champ (she knows you should never stop paying attention to it). Much as this reviewer likes the heavier girls, Lane's catlike moves and her enthusiasm stole this show.

If Evil Bitches was playing in the background of a party, it would be great eye candy until the last scene, when your guests would just shut. the fuck. up.