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 Studio: Evolution Erotica/Ivan's Slut-o-Rama
Director: Ivan
Cast: Kami Andrews (credited as Salome), Gia Paloma, Isabel Ice, Kat, Kelly Wells
"You're probably asking yourself, 'What do I, an ignorant, slutty porn chick, have to do to stop my life of drugs and asshole stretching?'" asks Kami Andrews in Texas' Asshole Massacre. Andrews plays Texas, the head of a company designed to turn adult actresses into "real" actresses. Texas offers to house, clothe, and feed with chili any girl who joins her agency.
But, like so many institutions that purport to do good, Texas' Hollywood's Official Starlets (HOS) is riddled with corruption and functionaries bent on taking advantage of the starlets who seek help, goading them into sex. I would not like to believe the same thing of the AARP.
Creating a porn comedy is a tough job. The cast needs to stop being goal-oriented for just long enough to tell the joke without looking at the camera and licking their lips. And entertaining dialogue should always be a nice surprise, scripted or not, rather than the raison d'etre of the movie. Otherwise I purchased my home's heavy draperies for nothing; there would be no reason to close them.
Texas' Asshole Massacre is nominated for AVN's Best Sex Comedy award and Andrews for Best Actress-Video. She's a contender. It's amazing how self-conscious people who fuck on film for a living can be when delivering dialogue, but Andrews is a, er, ham when cradling a four-foot double dong like a child.
"People have seen a lot of me already," Andrews told me. "I think there are only about two inches of my colon undocumented on film."
As the porn-girls-as-food narrative unfolds, Andrews steals the show, with Gia Paloma and Isabel Ice providing snatched-from-the-headlines scenes of adult biz victimhood. It's funny because it's true! But the best scenes are when the porn and the comedy aren't mutually exclusive. For some reason, an actor called Dirty Harry appears as a crazed Vietnam vet. If the choice were mine, I would say more Isabel Ice eating chili naked, less Dirty Harry having flashbacks.
Alas, the only starlet ready for prime-time in Texas' Asshole Massacre is Andrews. She would also be a big hit as Sassy Waitress on "Gilmore Girls". The consolation is that, because it is a porn movie, there is a lot of filthy sex in it.
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 Studio: Pirate Booty Productions
Director: Benny Profane
Cast: Zoe Matthews, Dahlia, Zenova Braeden, Kandi Kaos
When people say "there's no accounting for taste" they of course mean "I am making a major acccounting of your aesthetic choices". There is not a porn-safe "something for everyone" aspect to Profane's Psychocandy series, but if you are the type of person who likes the type of women Profane casts (and I do), there is still some work that needs to be done to get around some filmmaking shoddiness that can't be confused with artistic choices.
The opening scene stars pinup-worthy Dahlia in a room hung-round with Transformers (robots in disguise). So far, so good, but then in walks Chuck Mangione.
It is not actually Chuck Mangione, rather it is a fellow named Schno, but even the children of Sanchez would get confused. Dahlia and Schno get it on while stray flashbulbs pop in the background and "Feels So Good" does not play. With Dahlia's jet black hair, floral print dress and fishnets, the scene has the feel of Greg Allman stopping in to a gypsy fortune teller's house in Mexico.
Profane chooses certain types of talent in certain types of settings; it's not just a girl on a bed. The talent looks like they regularly bump into each other at coffeeshops along Alvarado or while browsing through vinyl at Los Feliz record stores. But the pleasure of seeing amateurs who might be holding down day jobs does not compensate for poor lighting and focus. It does, however, make films like Psychocandy a worthy document of neighborhood life. These people really look like they know each other.
In the segment "Cave Painting", newcomers Kandi Kaos and Jason Krass meet on the same Transformers bed with a jangle of piercings. They look happy to be there. So happy, in fact, that he starts to fuck her before the mandated blowjob. They rectify that, the camera jerks up, giving us a shot out the window at the neighborhood. It's the thought that the girl next door in the purple knee socks isn't just blogging that makes this scene effective.
In "Cooking with Zoe", Zoe Matthews drops by Profane's house for his birthday and negotiates his cock piercing in the kitchen. There is incidental dialogue in the scene but it gets lost in the soundtrack. Is it not important? If it's not important, then it shouldn't be there. The payoff is that Profane batters his own batter and serves the cum-cake to his party guests.
Still, if that small amount of effort was made to include some "business", the actors should have been miked and some thought should have been given to the shots. It is this lack of attention to detail that provides a window for all the altporn detractors to attack what are otherwise fun, thoughtfully art-directed gonzo movies with enthusiastic casts.
The final scene, a continuation of Profane's and Matthews' kitchen tryst, features lingering shots of Zoe's face while Profane eats her ass. Her reactions are wonderful, doubly so because I'm not into watching ass-eating. An extra scene with Dahlia and Schno will satisfy finger-bang enthusiasts.
Profane has described himself as "the black sheep of the altporn world". As a regular-looking guy who makes and stars in movies with his friends in his apartment, he is also the most courageous and groundbreaking. I hope that his next film has a bigger budget for a crew and also that Kandi Kaos moves next door.
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 Studio: Hustler
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Hillary Scott, Eva Angelina, Sativa Rose, Renee Richards, Brooke Haven
More than just about anything, I like a good font. The Esquivel-esque swirls that spell the title of Hustler's Whores Don't Wear Panties conjure up a space-age bachelor pad of cocktail glasses and, well, panty-free whores. That the font is the same as that of my Porn Valley Observed logo doesn't hurt either.
But mostly I appreciate Truth. Whores don't, in my experience, wear panties.
Hillary Scott, Renee Richards, Brooke Haven, Sativa Rose and Eva Angelina explain their panty aversions in interview segments prior to each sex scene. "Panties get in the way," Haven stated. "I stopped wearing them when I was ten." Haven encourages others to not wear panties, either.
Canadian Sativa Rose remembered access difficulties a suitor encountered at a shindig. "And that's when I realized I was never going to wear underwear again," she said. (She actually said 'suitor' and 'shindig'.)
Unlike the five percent of people featured on HBO's "Real Sex" that look rompable, whether in the feature stories or the street interview segments, the actresses of Whores Don't Wear Panties deliver splendidly on the promise of their engaging tales.
Birmingham, England's Renee Richards, whom I think should hold elected office, said she was "pro anti-pantie (but we call them 'knickers'").
Only Eva Angelina presents a sad story. She (great teeth) related her practice of initiating blowjobs at parties but failing to follow through.
Hillary Scott wrapped up the video. She tells us nothing eztraordinary in her scene, but the sound was down because the neighbors walked by the window.
In all, lack of accessibility and pantylines seem to be the two factors governing panty doffage. Was this news to me? No. But I believe it.
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Studio: Evolution Erotica/Ivan's Slut-o-Rama
