Studio: Bad Seed
Director: Roy Karch
Cast: Cytherea, Flower Tucci, Tiana Lynn, Missy Monroe, Lily Thai, Kelly Wells

When Adam & Eve launched its gonzo subsidiary, Bad Seed (I'm assuming it had something to do with an unwholesome apple, though the mascot is some kind of badass sperm), I despaired that there would be no more educational films in the Nina Hartley vein. How would I learn about female-positive fisting? At whose well-adjusted knee would I learn proper ball gag maintenance?

Luckily my fears were unfounded, as Hot Squirts provides a great primer on how to coax watery torrents from mesh-clad starlets.

We meet each of these performers in a 7 Ninjas fashion, each actress materializing in a different part of the house during the opening credits so we get to know her better. Each then overlaps on the previous scene so, for what it's worth, we get a sense of continuity. The viewer is left with the idea that this entire rented porn house is filled with women squirting all over it.

And squirt they do*. Cytherea interrupts Randy Spears' solitary game of pool to let him know that there's trouble in River City. (Cytherea plays the river, with a capital C above the levee.) Cytherea is one of those people who looks like she really enjoys her job, and is very good at it. While female ejaculation requires the intake of copious amounts of water (I once saw Cytherea go through almost an entire Arrowhead jug on a set) and might be far more mechanical than it is emotional, there is a tremendous amount of pride involved in making one's partner ruin a rented couch with her squirt volume, which Cytherea does.

Well done! William Mulholland would be proud.

Tiana Lynn comes next, and does. Since she wears glasses, you know she's thinking about what's happening, so it is odd that she didn't notice her scene partner lurking by a nearby couch as she executed a solo scene. Whatever. She takes her glasses off for her blowjob duties, which is the way it's done in most countries.

Both Cytherea and Tiana punctuate their scenes with random squirting, and it's a welcome relief from the "beats" corporate porn has to hit to please the guys in accounting (mostly relatives).

Karch has put together a cast of girls who show up ready to go. While there isn't a big range of body types on porn's current A list, Karch has assembled everyone from people so small you could fit them in your pocket (Cytherea and Tiana) to people like Missy Monroe (her partner grabs a little handful of her bellyfat at one point and, not only did she not belt him, it took the scene up a notch) to a delightful brick house like Flower who, if she were clad in a dirndl, might very well milk all your cows before fucking you nearly to death.

Karch reminds us in Behind the Scenes footage that squirting originated when Hindis came to Flatbush Avenue. While this information does nothing for erectile tissue, it does help explain the growing popularity of the niche.

*Winner, Ways I Never Thought I'd Start a Sentence contest, 1997