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 Studio: VCA Excessive
Director: Mr. Pete
Cast: Liliane Tiger, Angel Dark, Sandra Romaine, Sharka Blue, Janet Alfano, Isabel
What is the difference between being fucked in the ass and being fukt in the ass? Or the azz, for that matter? I popped Ass Fukt in my DVD player to find out. This is what I learned.
Mr. Pete's recent trip to Prague yielded several fleshy Eurohotties, on whom every spank mark showed up vividly. An excellent photo montage at the beginning promised better editing than what came later in the movie, which was characterized by ponderous closeups, zooms, and intro/teases that made me glad of chapter skip technology.
But as with Platinum X's Intensities in 10 Cities line, I always feel a little bit better educated when I watch the foreign talent. There are fewer fake breasts and less of an awareness that the cast is slightly drug-addled. That the talent seems more businesslike is compensated for by the fact that very rarely does one see Czech actresses looking directly at the camera, which is always kind of a pain in the ass.
Cover girl Liliane Tiger (pubic area piercings: six) was the most fun to look at, but the Best Effort award goes to the culminating three-way scene with Janet Alfano, Isabel and some guy in a bandana.
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 Studio: Platinum X
Director: Brandon Iron
Cast: Alektra, Delilah Strong, Chrissy Katrice, Natalie Knoxxx, Mandingo (and 64 sperm donors)
Offstage Voice: Are you ready for The Dozen?
Alektra: Bring 'em on!
It would require actual research and scholarship on my part to make sure, but I am guessing that the Baker's Dozen series has always featured a starlet getting ready for a 12 person-bukkake by starting off slow, just fucking one person and giving him her undivided attention. This installment starts with Alektra, who is one of my favorite people simply because she doesn't wear high heels.
Alektra's scene is in a delightful T-roofed chalet, bringing the point home once again that I need to make more money. As the anonymous bukkakistos arrive for their big break, it is slightly distracting to see guys whose turn hasn't come up yet vaguely masturbating in the near distance, as I imagine the office workers in the complex next to mine are doing when I view my weekly porn review copies.
Watching bukkake videos always creates in the viewer a sense of distraction, so I found myself monitoring a particularly busy guy in the background of Alektra's scene who would occasionally slap her ass or move the couch. I hope he got paid more.
Similarly distracting is any scene with Mandingo. Delilah Strong might be a size 18 in real life (she isn't-she can fit on a postage stamp), but Mandingo looks like he's performing a spinal transplant on her, by way of her perineum. The normal size envy that sometimes torments viewers of full-on porn stars goes right out the window when Mandingo is in a scene, because I, for one, just think "he looks like he was created in a weapons lab."
One of the interesting aspects of the Baker's Dozen series is the reveal, when the camera pulls back or goes to the side and the audience is confronted with six guys here or 12 guys there who are working themselves up. In Strong's case, some came in theough the hallway and some were waiting out on the patio. I assume that in earlier incarnations of the series there were introductions all around, but the evolution of the line requires the girl to just get right into it, which Delilah does.
One necessity of bukkake videos is that the talent be game. Both Alektra and Strong look like fun girls who just happened to have a bukkake happen to them (although Strong and Chrissy Katrice break the ancient bukkake code by actually getting fucked by a couple of their 12, thus dishonoring the tradition and their ancestors). Katrice, who enters her scene at a crawl, looks less wholesome than her two predecessors, and gives a performance that might be more appealing to fans who prefer their talent looking a little more oblivious.
Also included on this disc is a scrapped scene with Natalie Knoxxx, who showed up in Porn Valley and just as quickly disappeared. She looked like she was making some serious decisions as the cum began to fly faceward, and Baker's Dozen #5 is as good a record as any of why some people are made for porn and others aren't.
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 Studio: Lethal Hardcore
Director: Stoney Curtis
Cast: Alexis Silver, Isabella Luv/Stanza, Nikki Nieves, Anastazia, Victoria Sweet
What makes these Latinas lethal? Is it that Alexis Silver has a British accent and the English are capable of great evil? Is it that a woman is credited as Isabella Luv on the box and Isabella Stanza in the credits? Is it that Nikki Nievez gets a pop shot across her cheek, looks at the camera, and says, "Leche"?
I don't know why that would make them lethal, either, but one thing for sure is that there is a lot of breaking the fourth wall in this film, which some people find artful and intriguing. Alexis Silver, who is caught smoking a cigarette in the garden in the opening scene, at one point pauses between throttling two cocks and addresses us, saying, "I'm enjoying this so far."
Later on, Victoria Sweet explains that she is a lethal Latina because "this pussy's lethal." The guy she does her scene with, wearing sunglasses indoors (I'm assuming it is Corey Hart in a Mexican/Canadian cultural exchange) was not immediately killed by her pussy.
Anastazia has the classic beauty of any pioneer Mexican woman you might see in a grainy portrait hanging on the wall of El Cholo, but is a very dirty girl. She waits until the end of her scene to ask, "Do you like to seee my Latin pussy get fucked?" Yes, but why ask permission now?
The sweatiest scene is between Lee Stone and Isabella Stanza/Luv. He refers to her as a "luscious Latina"--probably what the film was called at the time--and she asks, "Is that what I am today?"
The final scene is reserved for Nievez who has the face of a Cuban Belladonna. It is her first on-camera anal, and the pop shot flies past her face.
My favorite scenes were, as usual, the behind the scenes footage, in which the cast is exponentially more sexy than when they were trying to be.
By the way, here is a recipe for panocha.
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 Studio: Nectar
Director: Eric Avalon
Cast: Pietra, Morgana, Suzana Scott, Claudia Bella, Priscilla Gaucha
I've never seen anything by Eric Avalon or executive producer Marty Zion, but I have been to Brazil, where Exxxstasy Island was shot, and this film is surely a love letter to that place, with nary a tranny or underage porn-shooting prostitute in sight.
Exxxstasy Island plays like a long ad for a product that never reveals itself, and it is a beautifully shot, no nonsense production that is perfect for couples or arch gay men who could keep it as a scholarly study of attractive breeders.
The film really is eye candy for people who like their porn that way.
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 Studio: Ebony/Celestial Productions/Lethal Hardcore
Director: Dust
Cast: Kandi Kream, Chyanne, Beauty, Jersey Montana
When my injunction clears with that other awards show sponsored by the Recording Industry of America, I will offer Phat Buttz Drain My Nutz the honor for Title of the Year. It's just honest. In fact, I think I'm going to change my cash machine code to PBDMN1.
Starting with Chyanne, each starlet featured in this wall-to-wall release does that thing where, from a stationery position, she jiggles her ass cheeks independently of each other. This I find mesmerizing.
This movie delivered on its promise in four workmanlike scenes with nothing fancy except some exceedingly phat buttz. There is no soundtrack but bodies slappin'. No personal trainers were hired and it didn't look like there were any long conversations between the cast and director Dust about motivation.
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 Studio: VCA
Director: Joe Gallant
Cast: Angel Baby, Tatiana Stone, Heather Pink, Jennifer Steele, Montana Gunn, Nikki Blaze
Carnivorous New York City publicity company/coven UltraVixens aims to sign clients by (ahem) squirting a mind-altering elixir into a cocktail glass. Several scenes of grungy sex with brick shithouse Manhattan tartlets (east coast porn chicks look dangerously careworn in a different, more appealing way than their Porn Valley counterparts) are interrupted by self-conscious editing, superfluous, poorly-delivered dialogue, and a plot that could have been explained in much less time, if any plot was necessary.
It's not that the cast can't act (well, it kind of is), it's that they shouldn't have had to. Gallant squanders the capital he received for guerilla filming in Manhattan (the UltraVixens are seen for five seconds emerging topless onto 8th Avenue and West 46th Street in their Uggs and thongs) by trying to stick his unfinished screenplay in there. And making porn girls read long passages of David Lynch-lite dialogue in your movie isn't really playing to anyone's strengths.
Skip the dialogue scenes and you'll be very happy.
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 Studio: SkinTight Pictures
Director: Gen Padova
Cast: Padova, Krysta-Lynn Lovely, Anita Blue, Erika Kole
When Padova is dumped by her boyfriend for not being able to pay his rent, she promises to sell crack to Gia Paloma and Genesis Sky to purchase new rims so he won't be sitting on 17s anymore. "We'll get you dubs and nitrous - we'll make that car go fast" she pleads, but it is all for nought. She is a Butt'er Face and she will never get a high-paying porn contract.
The camera pans to the right side of the bed and there is revealed Sergio, who has taken away her boyfriend's affections.
Padova is forced to audition for a skanky agent who is casting a study of how women's psyches are affected by their environment. The film is called "Piss Brooms" and Padova will do anything to get it - brown showers, bestiality, Dave Pounder, anything.
She doesn't get the movie, so she decides to shoot one herself.
Revenge of the Butt'er Face is a very funny Inside Porn movie. When Padova resorts to paying for sex, her prospective partner is angry because the piggybank is worth more than the money in it. "There's only pennies in here," he says, "and you broke the cat."
That the movie goes through four or five scenes before any sex happens is fine, because the sex itself isn't important. Butt'er Face Gen finally succeeds in getting three hot girls to fuck on film, but she is still reduced to crashing someone else's pool by the end of the movie, when Revenge of the Butt'er Face doesn't make $40 million and her boyfriend's head is amputated.
It is sad, really, that the whole porn thing didn't work out.
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 Studio: 1st Strike
Director: The Kerkoves
Cast: Audrey Hollander, Bridgette Kerkove, Mandy Bright, Britney Madison, Bianca Pureheart, Brandi Lyons
1st Strike makes movies that are the equivalent of the rain-bloated dirty magazines everyone found behind his junior high school as a kid. No one ever fell in love with the girls in those magazines, and I've developed a theory that the farther away from your dad's/uncles/older brother's porn stash you got, the scarier the sex became.
It was always Playboys and Penthouses under the bed where I grew up, but you'd have to go to the burned out apartment building up the street to find the Hustlers, and into the woods to find the really "these girls don't feel pretty" stuff.
Built for Filth opens with Bridgette Kerkove and Audrey Hollander on a bed, playing with butt plugs. Neither looks wholesome, And the stock grimaces and porn sneers look frightening.
In movies like this, I always like to find some humanity in the BTS section.
"Man, I swear my ass just swallows cock. I love it," says Audrey Hollander frankly in Behind the Scenes footage, and that's all I need. That sort of introspection makes me feel better.
I'm left to think about what went so wrong in the Kerkove household, why Audrey is on the box if Bridgette is given top billing, and why Britney Madison is wearing leather, fishnets, and a butt plug by the pool.
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 Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Jesse Jane, Sophia Santi, Jenavieve Jolie, Rita Faltoyano, Jada Fires, Jelena Jensen
When the opening credits end and the Playboy TV soundtrack begins, revealing Jesse Jane and Evan Stone lounging by a hilltop Valley pool, the first thought that comes to mind is, "Will she really apply suntan lotion effectively, or will it be a half-assed job?"
The attention to detail director Celeste pays to lighting this pinup picture is effective, and I could be missing the point but there is no way an audience member might be left to worry that Jane's UV protection was anything short of excellent.
This is a pretty-girl picture, as the title suggests, but the elevator soundtrack and lack of dialogue make it perfect to have on in the background - muted - during gardening time or anytime!
Sophia Santi made this film back when she was Natalia Cruze but she adopted her new name, and a Digital Playground contract, prior to Posh Kitten's release.
A recent showing of Posh Kitten at the Los Angeles Veterans' Hospital resulted in mixed reviews.
World War II veterans who remember pinups might have a problem with Jane's and Santi's tattoes and machine-crafted parts, but they will feel right at home with Jenavieve Jolie as well as Rita Faltoyano's mole.
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 Studio: VCA
Director: Eon McKai
Cast: Zoe Matthews, Yumy, Deja Daire, Justine Joli, Jezebelle Bond, Jade Starr
Deja Daire opens the show, sitting on a couch with a torn camisole and a bloody nose. Maybe she's pondering a life ill-spent. We have the opportunity to ponder with her while James Deen fucks her in front of a picture of Our Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane. This is the scene Eon McKai said would send him to Hell. Maybe he knows something we don't. Next, Yumy pays homage to Japanimation by getting fingered through her underpants by tatted Rob Rotten, all the while looking at the camera. It has a wartime whorehouse feel to it that gave me powerful flashbacks. By now I resigned myself to the fact that Kill Girl Kill 2 would err on the side of style. Ballsy as it was to launch the movie with a bloody nose, I would have had her making a nice pitcher of drinks. That is why I don't make big VCA money.
Justine Joli and Jezebelle Bond start the second act with a scene worthy of display on the monitors at Hollywood & Highland. I don't usually like girl/girl scenes much, but this one was a lot of fun to watch, and it was the first scene in the movie where the characters seemed to be having a good time. Maybe it was because they didn't have to worry about reproachful looks from their boyfriends when they got home.
Deen and Zoe Matthews employ found objects like a broom in the next scene, and the attentive, non-fast-forwarding viewer gets to hear Matthews utter lines like, "I've never deep-throated that deep before," fluttering her eyelids like a swimmer who just got a mouthful of ocean. Jade Starr and Justin Syder wrap it up.
This is a good movie to have projected on the wall of your loft space while be-sneakered pale types mill about, which is exactly how I first saw it.
Jon San Nicolas' tartwear was the star of the show, but if this movie were "Abbey Road," Jezebelle Bond did a very disconcerting version of "Her Majesty."
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Studio: VCA Excessive
