Gram Ponante's Thoughtful Porn Reviews: <i>The Da Vinci Load</i>

Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Screenplay: Nelson X
Cast: Missy Monroe, Haley Paige, Frank Bukkwyd, Evan Stone, Joey Hart, James Deen, Eva Angelina, Jasmine Tame, Charlotte Stokely

"Ladies, every time you let a guy nut in your snatch just because he's a professional skater or drives a Mitsubishi Lancer with Chinese writing on the side, you are polluting the social soup."

This is one of several hilarious lines uttered—without cutaways!—in Hustler's soon-to-be-released "Da Vinci Load".

Dan Brown should thank "Da Vinci Load" writer Nelson X and director Jerome Tanner for adapting his execrable book for the proper medium: porn.

Operatives of the Priory of Semen, including penile profiler Dr. Nadia Saint (Missy Monroe) discover that Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa using his own sperm. Determined to resurrect Da Vinci and overjoyed that the master's sperm was not all "lost up a man's ass", they steal the painting and kill anyone who gets in their way.

This is already so much more believable than that whole Virgin Mary thing.

The actors often fall just slightly short of Nelson X's script, which is the most dialogue-intensive porn script since "Personal Best". Somehow this makes the tongue-in-cheek movie better.

Standout sex scenes are delivered by fleshpots Monroe, Hailey Paige, and Tory Lane, and Frank Bukkwyd and Evan Stone ham it up with gusto:

Monroe: So Da Vinci jerked off in his paintings?
Stone (as Professor Lee Teabag): It's just the way things were done!

Since AVN adds award categories each year the way the Great Salt Lake encroaches on Tooele, I hope that there is room for a Best Adapted Screenplay award next year.