Porn Valley Observed: Home of Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist

--Wednesday, August 27, 2008--

"Dick-railed"

Philosophy major and former AVN editor Eddie Adams contributed a review for VCA's Deep Inside box set that employed the phrase "dick-railed." It is a refreshing break from the brunt of my porn reviews that do not use the term "dick-railed."

Check it out here.

Labels: asia carrera, classic, contributors, eddie adams, reviews, vca

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 27, 2008 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Monday, April 23, 2007--

VCA unveils MILF font

While the adult industry has yet to agree on a MILF definition, VCA Labs has attempted to set in place an integral part of the coming MILF infrastructure: a font which debuted on the MILF Country compilation.

It, too, has become the object of controversy.

"I understand that to be considered a MILF, a woman must have had a child," said Loup Perch-Tounge of the Canoga Park Nipple Advisory Council, "but must the font suggest the word was written by a child?"

Indeed, the heart over the "I" is causing concern among people who believe that the font should be more stately, representative of the nobility and stature of the experienced MILF.

"When you get right down to it," Perch-Tounge added, "there shouldn't even be a minuscule 'I' - the whole word needs to be capitalized."

Linguists believe that an acronym, from the Latin meaning "high word", which is a set of initials that can be pronounced as a word, should be capitalized until the term has achieved common usage.

"Like the common acronyms 'scuba' or 'snafu', 'MILF' will some day be an accepted term in general vocabulary," said Professor Jose Fellatiano of the Universidad de Ciudad Mexico. "But right now the word needs to be capitalized, indicating that it still needs some time to be considered for its individual parts, that is Mother I'd Like to Fuck."

A nationwide study commissioned by the Ponante Institute found that MILF had not even achieved five percent saturation, even lower than Gonorrhea sufferers' resistance to fluoroquinolones.

Despite the arguments, industry leaders grudgingly applaud VCA for taking a stand. rare in a business that thinks all Asians are geishas and that the teenage years extend to 27 if one is under 5'4".

Previously: Easter MILFs and the Fertile Crescent; MILF, ass definitions continue to evolve; Memphis Monroe reveals Dark Side on her head; You deserve a FIP today; Porn Valley font panic
See also: VCA Pictures

Labels: dvd, MILF, vca

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, April 23, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Monday, March 05, 2007--

Legal or Easy?

Porn is so plentiful and ubiquitous that it is hard to make a decision where to spend your discretionary dollar. VCA makes it no easier with 18 And Easy (vol. 7).

How do we distinguish this title from the Barely Legals?

"Well, the box says these women are wholesome," you might say.

"But what about Hustler's Barely Legal Innocence series?" I would reply, adding, "Just because someone twirls her ponytail doesn't make her wholesome. Hitler twirled his ponytail. And would you bring a girl home to Mother who had a belly button chain (unless your mother was Hitler)?"

This means nothing. I would buy this movie even if it was called IKEA Tertial Series Lamp, once again proving that words are useless, that sometimes differences are so subtle that it is impossible to describe them, and that doing the legal thing isn't necessarily the easy thing.

This movie also stars the delightful Kiara Marie.

Previously: Booty milestone; Barely Legal's spirit stick
See also: VCA

Labels: dvd, hustler, vca

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, March 05, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Monday, February 12, 2007--

VCA embraces pixelation

In a move lauded by industry watchers, VCA has left behind the porn trope of placing stars or splotches on box art genitals (also the name of my band) and replaced the controversial process with simple pixelation.

"I don't even know what's down there between that MILF's legs," said Loup Perch-Tounge, chairman of Chatsworth's Lycee du Skanque. "But now I'm curious."

Self-proclaimed America's Beloved Porn Journalist Gram Ponante concurred.

"Pixelation has that scrambled cable channel appeal for me, which I find intensely erotic," said Ponante through a translator.

VCA has always been at the forefront of junk obfuscation, known since Michelangelo's time as Pudenda Obscura. The company has used stars ("stellation"), splotches ("basura"), and ghostly orbs ("poltergeisting") to comply with ever-changing community mores.

"I am happy that VCA has adopted a standard that perhaps the rest of the adult industry might follow," stated Dorg Perninfruir of the U.N. Council on Flesh and Turgidity. "Now if they could only keep their contract girls."

Previously: Cock-blocking with Gram; Judge: Google message not too small for the medium
See also: VCA Pictures

Labels: art, dvd, vca

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, February 12, 2007 | 2 Comments Links to this post