| --Thursday, November 20, 2008--
Today in swag: Webmaster Acess West
 I don't want to appear ungrateful, but who other than refugees and aid recipients in sub-Saharan Africa have the need for two hats bearing the logo "Pimp Mansion" or a Webmaster Access West t-shirt sponsored by the likes of PussyCash?
Yet that is what attendees receive in a tote bag that also contains copies of XBiz and AVNOnline (see refugee comment above).
But it gets much, much better.
I am a connoisseur of free lunches, and WAW hooked a brother up. And I was standing behind that brother and I got hooked up, too. Very tasty. And I have not yet begun to drink.
 But the best swag was tucked away in a little plastic bag at the bottom of my ImLive canvas tote. It was a Lance Armstrong-style bracelet THAT WAS ALSO A 1 GB USB DRIVE. How cool is that?
It was sponsored by European Internet Payment Solutions Provider eMerchantPay.com. Give them all your money; because I'll be wearing their swag until I get wrist cancer from it.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: GP posts tagged "Business"
See also: eMerchantPay, Webmaster Access WestLabels: events, swag, webmaster access
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, October 17, 2008--
Pirates 2 wins SWINE
 Does winning an AVN Award guarantee better sales? "You bet!" says everyone who ever won one, nervously clutching his collar and offering me a great deal on 144,000 unused AVN Award Winner stickers.
But the true value of any movie is the SWINE, or the Swag Index, an instrument I invented about 15 seconds ago. It measures the spread between the interest generated by the swag items to the quality of the movie itself.
A SWINE of 10 is a perfect score. It says that the movie is exactly what one would expect, considering the swag. Thus, Wicked's The Wicked [review] and Fallen [review] have perfect SWINEs; the movies were what I expected from swag boxes containing feathers and fake blood.
But Pirates 2 [review] exceeded my expectations from a box packed with a simple but almost functional hat (I might actually wear it, though ironically, because I am a hipster who still lives with his parents) and a t-shirt I'm sending, also ironically, to a third world nation. It would change my life for the better to see Sally Struthers standing over a crouched rice-eating refugee who is wearing a Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge t-shirt. Pirates 2 receives a SWINE of 12.
Of course, Metro's X-Rated [review] goes into the Hall of Fame, because its swag box included alcohol.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 swag; Fallen and The Wicked swag; X-Rated swag; 2006 Also-Ranny winners; Gram Ponante Announces the Oscars of PornLabels: awards, Digital Playground, metro, reviews, swag, swine, wicked
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, October 07, 2008--
Today in porn swag: Pirates 2
 Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge arrived today in a simple cardboard box with a four-disc Extended Edition of the movie (spoiler: Katsuni plays the Mouth of Sauron), a hat, and a t-shirt.
Can I imagine rolling in my 6-4 down to Orange Julius with my Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge hat and my Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge t-shirt with Jesse Jane on the back? You know I can.
The fact that I wear Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge-branded clothing lets passersby know that I have had sex with each person depicted on that shirt, and that our carnal shouts drowned out the banging Grandma made on the floor with her cane.
Also in this picture is Loaded Digital's Surrender the Booty, which rips off the Pirates 2 cover in the same way that Pirates ripped off Pirates of the Caribbean. Luckily the porn world cares as much for nuisance lawsuits as it does for intellectual property.
I wonder if Vivid-steve is going to rip off the Surrender the Booty cover with its upcoming Alt Pirit Bodays Fukking LOL.
Watch Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge
Buy Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2: Expensive Joonetang!; Yesterday in porn swag
See also: Digital PlaygroundLabels: Digital Playground, geekery, jesse jane, katsuni, metro, swag
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, October 06, 2008--
Today in porn swag: Fallen and The Wicked
 It is AVN Awards nomination season, and Wicked Pictures has again outdone itself in the swag packages it has provided for two of its hopeful contenders, Fallen, the jessica drake porning of Wings of Desire, and the Kaylani Lei/Stormy Daniels vampire flick The Wicked.
I asked Wicked publicist Heth Mares if there was a conflict of interest in hyping two productions from directors Michael Raven (The Wicked) and Brad Armstrong (Fallen) with swag boxes. She responded by e-mail, but I do not think a gun was being held to her head:
Truthfully, we're all family here. We really do support each other's movies. In fact, Michael Raven shot one of the cameras for Fallen! We're always happy if any of our films win no matter who the director or star is. What you'll often hear us shout out at awards shows is the phrase 'keeping it in the family!' if two of our movies/directors/stars are nominated in the same catagory and one wins. Wicked uses a couple of swag fulfillment companies to prepare its screener packages. Below I list what came with each movie.
Fallen
- Fallen candle
- Commemorative coin
- Feathers
- Fallen t-shirt
- Fallen ball cap
The Wicked
- Blood squib
- Red confetti streamers
- The Wicked mousepad with blood-like liquid inside
- The Wicked wool cap
- The Wicked t-shirt
Both packages came in a fancy photo-printed cardboard box with a copy of the movie.
I have yet to watch either movie, but when I do, I am going to think of the swag package they came in and the usefulness of the products therein.
The first thing I saw in the Fallen box was the ball cap and - look at the picture - I thought the design looked like the tattoo you'd find on the arm of your garden variety L.A. douchebag. Fail. But then I saw the candle. I actually use candles. Score.
But I cannot imagine using any of the other items in the swag boxes. Unless you are a Son of Liberty and also have a barrel of tar for His Majesty's tax collector, what are you going to do with the feathers? And what Road Warrior civilization does Wicked Pictures predict will necessitate bartering with Fallen commemorative coins?
Post-apocalyptic beggar: My family needs water, cheese, and bread
Me: What have you to offer me? Dune spices? Fuel? The One Ring?
Post-apocalyptic beggar: I have this Fallen commemorative coin
Fallen's candle redeems everything. The Wicked's bloody mousepad, though....who uses mousepads anymore? And only if I am trying to fake an aneurysm to get off jury duty could I imagine using a blood squib.
But thanks!
That said, I love swag of all kinds, and I'm sure I will enjoy the movies.
Speaking of swag, more than a year after receiving them, I finally consumed the two bottles of fusion licquer that came with Metro's XXX promotion. They were excellent.
So let that be a lesson to you: if you are already sending a porn movie, why not send alcohol?
Watch The Wicked here
Watch The Wicked here
Watch Fallen here
Watch Fallen here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Today in porn swag
See also: WickedLabels: "stormy daniels", brad armstrong, jessica drake, kaylani lei, michael raven, new porn daily, swag, wicked
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, February 07, 2008--
What we learn about the adult industry by its swag
 Adult trade publication XBiz is hosting its Hollywood Conference here at the Roosevelt Hotel. XBiz, which began as a publication for the online adult business, has grown into a competitor in the video and events side of the industry as well.
Bizzo, the company's lovable, floppy-eared mascot, now appears on lunchboxes and Nickelodeon and has partnered with police departments around the country to keep kids away from shady Internet Payment Soultions schemes. So XBiz has high aspirations.
Swag bags provided by the conference provide a look into what is important to adult industry professionals.
Webcam host VideoSecrets lures customers by letting them know that they pay on time, and have for over a decade. What is unspoken here is that other companies don't. In fact, to base an entire swag presentation on the fact that you pay your bills says something about the state of accountability in the adult industry.
Swag in any industry is often unimaginative. In various travels I will get ballpoint pens, lanyards, and branded paperclips. These I donate to schools and food pantries. But the XBiz conference handed out several useful and representative doodads.
Gay content provider GunzBlazing.com provided each attendee a tin of mints. This was very helpful after drinking the Roosevelt's coffee.
Billing solutions firm Epoch gave out sleek, crack pipe-style lighters (mine didn't work, so no Hollywood Blvd. rock for me today). This demonstrates New Porn's desire to make vice elegant.
 Discreet purchasing outfit Net Cash distributed shot glasses. While I have given up drinking for Lent, I nevertheless appreciate the gesture, as the adult business is historically powered by alcohol. But here we see the porn world's constant metaphorical pull between discretion and decadence.
And content provider Flashcash offers a glimpse of the new adult entrepreneur by passing out money clips. No longer is adult business transacted in alleys with shopping bags full of cash. It's not even kept moderately quiet. Instead, today's adult business professional wants the world to know what she does.
That's why non-porn visitors to the staid and haunted Roosevelt see a huge PussyCash banner upon entering. (And no one fainted.) PussyCash also sponsored the attendee badges, so at any given time one's badge might flip over and shout PUSSYCASH at shocked passersby.
"Deal with it, you prude," you would then say. "Don't tamper with my sacred First Amendment freedom to pretend I care about First Amendment freedoms while making money."
Previously: Report: XBiz award desirable; XBiz Forum and Awards: Us v. Them; Today in porn swag
See also: XBiz Hollywood, Roosevelt Hotel
Labels: events, swag, xbiz
posted by Gram the Man
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