I realize that only tiny pockets of my vast worldwide readership care about the mechanics of the porn world that doesn't involve the women on camera, so the past few days' coverage is only valuable to scholars, law enforcement officials, and the clergy.

"Grams, are you saying that people will mill around a hotel and convention center for three days without seeing some 20-year-old being vixenish?" you might well ask. So here are some shots from the Booze Cruise portion of Webmaster Access West.

The delightful Stoya was on hand to greet guests at Digital Playground's suite. Digital Playground has for years not capitalized on its online image and video libraries, so is now entering the online realm via contract girl websites (like Stoyaxxx.com) and its own affiliate network (digitalplaygroundcash.com). But that means nothing to you.

What matters most is that, after I got my drink (the Booze Cruise involved walking between the 7th and 8th floors of the Sheraton Universal and stopping in sponsored suites for drinks like it was the porn version of Halloween, which it most certainly was) I went straight to the bathroom, because that was the only place to breathe in such tight quarters.

Stoya was there, too, and I demanded she get in the shower. She told me all about her recent trip to Serbia and detailed the traveling she'd be doing to promote Pirates 2 over the next several months.

If Stoya comes to your town, you should meet her. You'll think: I like that Stoya. Then ask her about me. Say, "Is Gram really as black as they say he is?"

In the suite sponsored by affiliate network Flashcash I encountered Ashley Steel. Many people think that Steel is only a presence online, like a delightful flaw in the Matrix. But she is real. I first met her on the set of Atomic Vixens 700 years ago, by Porn Reckoning.

I asked Steele and these two Inuit women for a variety of poses, culminating with the "Pretend You're Preparing to Blow Me" pose.

Among Flashcash's promotions is a series of videos by a man named Hoobie who is "famous in pickup artist circles" or "the pickup artist community" for his methodical and successful strategies for picking up ladies, or "the ladies."

Because I am America's Beloved Porn Journalist and tethered to no company and all companies, I am going to watch Hoobie's tutorial and document my successes as well as (more likely) my legally actionable failures.

Here is adult personality Tony Batman at Flashcash's open bar. It appears that the bartender will die in seven days.

At a lonely room at the end of the hall stood the XBiz suite. Inside was an ice bowl full of XBuzz Energy Drink.

"Where do you get these things?" I asked the XBiz employee.

"I don't know," he said. "Our promotions department does it all. You should have one."

"I can't," I said. "They are too much like art. I would feel sacrilegious drinking one."

"The take one with you," he said (it was just me and him and a lot of snacks in the room).

"I can't just fill my office with tchotchkes from adult conventions," I said, resolving to throw away my can of Deep Throat energy drink as soon as I got into the office the next day (which I did). I mean, what was I thinking? "The energy drink that tastes like Linda Lovelace's clitoris"?

Then I thought, "What sort of swag should AVN have?" I'm thinking branded alpacas.


After discovering that the bathroom was the place to be, I made sure to hold court in each tiny suite's bathroom. Here I am with publicist Dusty Marie and, apparently, an oncoming train.


Webmaster Access West was a fun and informative convention, and tonight it culminated with a visit to the Playboy Mansion. I didn't go. Having been to the Playboy Mansion a few times, the thrill is gone. The grotto smells like my junior high locker room and the peacocks make a sound that is disconcertingly like the weeping of children (which also reminds me of my junior high school locker room).

Taking my leave, I asked Stoya to reenact not the shower scene from Psycho but any one of thousands of gonzo movies in which we see the hand of the mouth-breathing director reaching out to paw at the talent.

"Ohhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuck," I said, reading from the script. "Fuuuuuuuuuck. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Turn around. Ohhhhh Jesus. Fuuuuuuuuuck!"

And just like that, I was nominated for Best Screenplay.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies; Nothing happening yet; What webmasters can teach us; Pirates 2 review
See also: Webmaster Access West, Digital Playground Cash, Flashcash, Stoya

Labels: affiliate, alcohol, ashley steel, Digital Playground, dusty marie, events, flashcash, seminar, serbia, stoya, tony batman

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, November 21, 2008 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Tonight was the long awaited premiere of Digital Playground's Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. I have been told (and I believe) that this movie is the most expensive adult movie ever filmed, and I was honored to have been the only media outlet invited to the event.

"Where is everyone from all the porn blogs and slumming basic cable and webisode shows?" I didn't ask Stoya, who actually plays a harem girl for an Armenian slave trader in the movie.

"I don't know," she didn't say. "I guess they thought you pretty effectively got the word out before."

The virtual media blackout for this eagerly anticipated sequel was uncharacteristic of Digital Playground, which in the past has sent press releases when a boxcover has been decided or when one of its contract performers appears in the Australian version of TV Guide.

But I was happy and, I must say, touched to be the only representative of the porn or mainstream press invited. I guess the idea was that Digital Playground didn't want there to be so much hype that a frank examination of the movie itself would be lost in the press saturation.

It was a pleasure to move through the red carpet unimpeded by cologne-reeking men with goatees, a pleasure to not see AVN and XBiz doing their Sharks and Jets routine trying to out-attitude or outwork the oher, and a huge relief to see no evidence of hastily-applied microphone logos.

"Finally," I said, "the real story can be told."

I could enjoy the rented search lights, the rented pirate impersonators, and the rented dates of VH-1 celebrities without hearing anyone call Riley Steele "Charlotte Stokely."

Directed by reclusive Digital Playground co-founder Joone, Pirates II is a porn movie with staggering scope - for a porn movie. Every sex scene is a workout, every pairing something historic, and every effect very expensive. It is a movie of so many excesses (for porn), that a lot of the smaller triumphs, like Joey Pulgadas' editing and Shay Jordan's loopy, choke-happy performance, might be overwhelmed by the notion of JESSE JANE FUCKS BELLADONNA TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES and FOR SOME REASON SASHA GREY IS IN IT.

There is a lot of humor in Pirates II, most of it supplied by Evan Stone and Steven St. Croix. The rhythm section of Max Massimo's script and Pulgadas' editing makes for a porn movie with sex scenes that often have fun dialogue breaks in them and that also seem to increase in speed. But sometimes Pirates II seems to overwhelm itself; needing some way to narratively justify ten (or more) sex scenes, the movie is very long and often - pardon the term - anticlimactic.

Like the first Pirates, the experience of watching its sequel in a theatre was both fun (people cheered popshots and, unlike the original, tonight's premiere was shown in high definition on a 2K projector and the filmmakers knew from last time where better to place jokes and dialogue so they wouldn't be lost in a big room) and artificial. This generation does not know what it's like to watch a porn movie without fast forwarding, so about a hundred people walked out as the movie progressed; they were just not used to watching a porn movie (especially one that lasted more than two hours) end to end, while limousines with Katsuni in them pulled up in the street.

Lucky there were not throngs of press there to hinder her passage, calling her "Katsumi" and "Charlotte Stokely."


But, as the only media representative there tonight, I am happy to report that there was no one masturbating in the theatre. Not like at the premiere of The Bridges of Madison County.

An actual review of the movie Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge will appear shortly. It will emphasize that, among other things, one of the movie's singular accomplishments is that there were parts in which I felt I could smell it.

See the full Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge gallery here.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: (2007) Digital Playground offers teaser poster of Pirates II; Pirates: "For the love of God let me die"; You yell "Shark"
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: belladonna, Digital Playground, Evan Stone, jesse jane, katsuni, riley steele, sasha grey, shay j, stoya, Tommy Gunn

posted by Gram the Man at Saturday, September 27, 2008 | 3 Comments Links to this post

It is not because Digital Playground is chauffering me and my entourage to the Pirates II premiere as part of its Fellatio on Wheels promotion that I found Stoya's mouth (and its inclusion in the movie Stoya: Deeper 11) so compelling; it's just that I notice a tendency among porn personnel to avoid open-mouthed gapes of joy and instead cling to the habit of sticking their fingers or other body parts in their mouths rather than leave theirs, as Stoya does hers, either open to interpretation or a bouquet of flowers.

Read the review here.

Share

Previously: Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia; Stoya sandwich; FitM: It needs to stop
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: Digital Playground, FitM, reviews, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, September 17, 2008 | 0 Comments Links to this post

In a gated community among rolling hills to the west of Porn Valley lies Bell Canyon. Just weeks ago I went to a barbecue down the street from the house in which I now stood watching the near-translucent Tatiana Kush get doubly-penetrated by the international team of Marco Banderas and Tony DeSergio.

I haven't yet reached a point of otherness where I have forgotten what it would be like for the likes of a Tatiana Kush or Nicki Hunter to accompany me to the type of barbecue I attended down the hill. Bloodshot and frumpy women would gaze at the porn starlets sullenly. The menfolk in their blousy Polo shirts would fondle their chin folds. I would be murdered in the driveway. That's how it would be.

But not today. The elegant McMansion belonged to Claudio, a courtly older gentleman whom I first met on the set of a Denis Marti movie a few years ago. The common areas were strewn with muscle and high-end car magazines and Macchiavellian self-help tomes. Near-naked women in bits of porn garb padded barefoot on the low-pile carpeting, munching tidbits from Costco vegetable platters.

The shoot was an as-yet-untitled project for London's Harmony Films, producers of such fare as Slam It In A Slut and the Young Harlots series. I am a big fan of Harmony director Gazzman who hails from Scotland. He and partner Dave West, from Chicago, were shooting stills of the delicious Nicki Hunter downstairs while Kush writhed like a bug on a pin upstairs. Hunter herself would be shooting her first (D)ouble (P)enetration scene in more than 18 months when Kush was through.

"I'm a little nervous," Hunter said. She was diagnosed with lymphoma in late 2006 and now, in remission and looking great, has returned to the adult business slowly, still displaying her full-tilt no-nonsense aggressive style, just not doing it seven days a week.

Hunter, not-dressed in bright yellow lingerie and looking especially vibrant and curvy, always makes me wish I had living World War II veterans in my family, because she looks like the type of girl they'd want to paint on the nose of a plane. But even in the Manila brothels of their whispered war stories they wouldn't be able to imagine the things Hunter can get herself up to.

And yet she was a little nervous.

"I haven't been D.P.'d in almost two years," she said. "It should be pretty interesting."

Try not to kill them, Nicki.

Tatiana Kush is a different story. She is as pale as Stoya and more slight. She is from Portland, OR and is wide-eyed and impish. She looks like she would absolutely destroy her mother's vice-presidential campaign.

"I'm 22," she told me, "and I love it in the ass."

"I'm Gram and I won't take work away from these foreigners," I said.

The foreigners were Tony DeSergio of North London and Marco Banderas from out Barcelona way. Before I met Banderas nearly two years ago, I used to think he was the devil. His teeth are so much whiter than mine. But he is like the Spanish Evan Stone, an unapologetic ham actor guaranteed to have a long career simply because he takes the work just seriously enough.

The scene involved Kush lying on the bed and Banderas and DeSergio emerging from behind some frosted glass to tag-team her.

Q. Grams, these men's penises are centimeters away from each other as they share this girl. Does that get weird for them? Does it make them gay?
A. Etiquette is required when you are one of a pair of double-penetrators or part of a gangbang squad. Touching another dude is inevitable but, as Jack Fountain, gangbang participant and husband of Darryl Hanah, told me, "you're not allowed to get creeped out if another guy brushes against you; it's just when the touching gets vertical that you start moving away." If you think of all porn as an invented scenario, with people doing things in front of a camera and a crowd that (most) people would not do with the lights off in a windowless room and only their One True Love in attendance, then it is understandable to think that one's actual sexual preference is irrelevant in the face of getting the job done. (Plus, these guys are from the European Union. They've got co-ed bidets over there, and people swap wives with the same blase attitude with which they pay $12 for a gallon of gas.)

Gazzman crept forward with his HD camera and halo light. Wherever this scene appears on DVD, Kush will look like a very sexy ghost.

"What SPF do you use?" I asked.

"I don't," she said. "I'm a nerd. I stay inside and play videogames."

(Marriage proposals may be sent to her MySpace page.)

I was embarrassed to have not met Kush before, as she has been in the porn industry for a year, but in a business built of crisp white sheets she is almost invisible.

During breaks in shooting I went downstairs. Poppy Morgan was there to visit. Morgan, the de facto hostess of Porn Week, which Gazzman launched with Dave West, is in L.A. for the summer until her work visa expires in early September, at which point she returns to Manchester, England.

Then the Porn Week crew goes to the Czech Republic where lucky and deep-pocketed vacationers get to interact with porn performers from around the world.

I wondered if Morgan and West could tell me if there was one thing they'd say characterized a European performer.

"I can always tell when a Czech girl is fucking upstairs," Morgan said. "It's mechanical."

"How do you handle that when you have to wrangle girls for a shoot?" I asked.

"Well, I'm just a twat to them," she said.

There does seem to be a difference between Porn Valley performers and the lithe and stern ice princesses of Ukraine and Prague that show up in porn shot by European countries.

"I don't want to say they're robotic..." said West, who just shot former Private contract performer Priva in a scene that he said was "unlike anything you've seen her do before" (i.e. under water).

Upstairs the DP was 23 minutes along. Kush was being passed between Banderas and DeSergio like a towel in a racquetball game.

"Are you nasty?" demanded DeSergio of Kush. I think it was pretty obvious, but we are often reminded that we need to say "I love you" even we think it is obvious.

In America we have the tendency to ascribe class and nobility to anyone with a British Isles accent, so when Gazzman leaned over Banderas and said "Don't cover her nipples," it sounded like an ancient proclamation, like something William Wallace might say.

I had to go. I wished Hunter luck on her historic return to having both nether holes filled simultaneously by carbon-based life forms (I didn't actually say it that way), and was sorry to have not signed up in time. But then, neither had anyone at the barbecue.

See the gallery here.

Previously: Postcard from Porn Week; Pussy Party via the ass; Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia
See also: Tatiana Kush, Marco Banderas, Tony DeSergio, Porn Week, Gazzman

Labels: "nicki hunter", dave west, gazzman, geekery, harmony films, marco banderas, Poppy Morgan, porn week, set visits, stoya, tatiana kush, tony desergio

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, September 02, 2008 | 0 Comments Links to this post

It is difficult for me to tell Digital Playground performers apart. Aside from Stoya and Jesse Jane, sometimes I think Shay Jordan is just trying on different wigs and calling herself someone else. I would also not put it past Jesse Jane to employ clever disguises.

So I was eager to get a gander at Gabriella Fox, appearing in Control 9 and Tickle Me Pink's video for its song "Typical."

In the video, Fox spends much of her time crawling toward us under the world's biggest sheet. The lyrics say "You're not any more than a typical whore."

Oddly enough, that was my high school's motto. None of us knew Latin well enough to translate it, so the joke was on us.

Know that Digital Playground handles a difficult situation - the confusability of porn performers - better than anyone. Consider that a recent Gallup Poll revealed that 4 out of 5 dentists answered "Probably" when asked if [insert name] was a Vivid Girl, and expressed indignance that Wicked contract performer Kirsten Price insisted that her name wasn't actually "Kristen."

But one way to make Fox stand out is the creative use of perspective. In Control 9, director Robby D. frames Fox (and performers like Eva Angelina, Lacey Maguire, and Memphis Monroe) in novel ways.

For example, here's Eva Angelina embroiled in the physical act of love. But her face says, "Shit. I lost my keys."

Here, her face is much smaller than her buttocks, as if her face were a minuscule mountain climber and her ass the world's juiciest alp.

Ditto Lacey Maguire. Tiny head!

Everybody likes Tommy Gunn, but this shot is not necessarily the first one porn consumers would choose. Here he appears talking to parts of Memphis Monroe.

Monroe herself doesn't understand it, either.

Fox returns at the end of the movie. Maybe she appears so frustrated because that is a tremendously uncomfortable position. (Either that, or she's Shay Jordan in a wig.)

I want Gabriella Fox to succeed, no matter what size her head is.

Control 9

Previously: Stoya sandwich; Shay Jordan rechristened Shay J
See also: Digital Playground MySpace Page

Labels: Digital Playground, eva angelina, gabriella fox, jesse jane, memphis monroe, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, August 05, 2008 | 1 Comments Links to this post

I get e-mails from a company called Adult Talent Managers declaring the availability (and for what services) of their clients for adult films. Today, even though it's Monday, the company announced the achedule of a woman named Friday, who will be in town in August, all 4'11" of her.

Friday does all the standard things, like blowjobs, girl/boy scenes, interracial scenes, etc., but she does it while taking up less vertical space. I feel the same way about Aiden Starr, another efficiency model porn performer whose motto should be "Better Highway."

But one can't look at the French Friday without invoking the name of the Intelligent Designer. That is why I have trademarked the ejaculation "Thank God It's Friday" to differentiate her from, say, Kiki D'aire, whose fans greet her with "Oh Jesus Christ."

I think "Thank God It's Friday" is an interesting way to remember both the performer and the actual day of the week, which is why I coined this slogan. I imagine that, long after the performer Friday has retired from her adult career, people might still say "Thank God it's Friday" when arriving to work on Friday morning, and maybe will even greet friends at their local chain watering hole at the end of a tough week with that statement.

Thus will something I invented for a woman who gives blowjobs for money pass into common English usage. That will be my legacy, my friends.

The initials of Adult Talent Managers, like those of Digital Playground, are shorthand for a specialized service often found in porn movies and in the wild. I think a good marketing ploy for both companies would be to offer their "initial" service across their product line, so every scene with Stoya will be a DP and every scene with Friday involves ATM.

Adult Talent Managers is, by the way, the only agency with the marketing savvy to submit its arrivals for this fantastic advertising service I provide, even though this site is read by dozens of people worldwide.

Previously: Sizzling ATM scene with Jenny Hendrix; Godel, Escher, Bree Barrett; Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia
See also: Adult Talent Managers

Labels: aiden starr, atm, Digital Playground, friday, kiki d'aire, new talent, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 21, 2008 | 2 Comments Links to this post

I like Stoya because she reminds me of an Edward Gorey character with all the working parts Gorey himself wasn't interested in. I also think she has a wonderful face, reminiscent of my Soviet forebears. I have recently begun a Stoya immersion program (it's even better than you think) and talked with her via interweb technology at her home in South Philadelphia.

Gram: Why have you left me?

Stoya: I didn't move to offend you personally. I lived in L.A. for a year a couple of years ago, but I wanted to get back to my friends in Philadelphia. I have locational ADD. If any landlords are watching, I'll probably skip out on you in ten months or so.

Gram: The Man doesn't read this website; only The People.

Stoya is in the two-disc DVD Cheerleaders. In the first disc she hangs by a locker and listens to the other girls talk dirty. In the second disc she reluctantly agrees to cheat on her boyfriend with Brianna Love and Manuel Ferrara.

Gram: There was some dramatic tension in Cheerleaders that you don't normally see in porn movies. You were what the movie became about.

Stoya: Oh, I'd say Jesse Jane was the star. I think you're biased.

Gram: Goddamn right I'm biased. But you knew what Jesse Jane would be up to through the whole movie. You had a character arc.

Stoya: Those girls had big breasts.

Gram: That they did. That also set you apart. You worked with the only other woman (Brianna Love) whose breasts wouldn't put out your eye.

Stoya: I have breasts. They're not humongous but they're fine. They've done fine for me as an adult in her breeding years. But when they sit me next to a girl who's 5'4" and has a couple of Double Ds I feel like a gawky teenager.

Until her wireless signal ran out, Stoya led the computer on a guided tour of her neighborhood.

Gram: Do you eat Philadelphia cheese steaks?

Stoya: No. I'm not in a vegetarian phase right now, but all that meat still makes me sick. I like pierogies. And spinach nuggets.

Gram: What about California? We don't really have pierogies here.

Stoya: Well, I like avocados. In fact, I love avocados.

Gram: I don't suppose you can go to the beach. You look translucent on this Interweb device.

Stoya: I have to cake on a lot of SPF-50. I don't care if I look like a jackass. I just don't want to combust. My mother gave me three rules: As long as you don't chew gum or stick anything in your butt you'll remain a lady. Well, I don't chew gum. Also: Don't use heroin. Check. Finally: Stay out of the sun.

Gram: Prior to becoming Stoya of Digital Playground, what did you do, or has your previous existence been suppressed?

Stoya: I shot for GodsGirls.com and Razordolls.com, and I was a go-go dancer at clubs. It was like getting paid to work out while drunk. It was the best job. (Photo by Nikola Tamindzic)

Gram: What do you drink?

Stoya: Candy drinks and old man drinks. I like pomegranate schnapps. I could drink a whole bottle. And I used to walk into bars and slap my Marlboro Reds down on the bar and ask for whiskey. The bartender would say, "Really, Little Girl? Are you sure you're not an 80-year-old man?"

Gram: Well are you?

Stoya: Fairly sure.

Gram: Because if you were an 80-year-old man, I'd be asking myself some hard questions. Pirates II just wrapped. I would have gone to the set but only a select few were invited.

Stoya: People talk about how massive an undertaking it was, but I was only there for a few days. I did get fisted by Belladonna, however, which was magical and amazing.

Gram: In terms of the big Digital Playground movies that are not about pirates, is there a pattern? What's the next logical step in the sequence that goes from Babysitters to Cheerleaders to ... ?

Stoya: They don't tell me because they don't want me leaking it, because I would. I don't know. Librarians?

Gram: Not that I advocate MySpace (now that I have reached my early 20s I have settled down for a more Facebook sort of life), but is your MySpace blog really yours?

Stoya: At first it wasn't, but now it's all me. Someone was writing it for me. I had to say, "It hurts me to see someone writing with two Ts and eight exclamation points pretending they're me." So I do it now.

Gram: That's greatt!!!!!!!! So, you're staying in Philadelphia between movies?

Stoya: I even got a bus pass here.

Previously: Thomas Aquinas becomes Digital Playground contract saint; Stoya avoids labels; Jenny Hendrix keeps in touch; No Easter for Alix Lakehurst
See also: Stoya, Digital Playground

Labels: alcohol, Apple, belladonna, brianna love, Digital Playground, interviews, jesse jane, manuel ferrara, pennsylvania, stoya, technology

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, May 21, 2008 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Digital Playground, the award-winning studio and leading provider of world-class content to Aristotelian reasoning, is pleased to announce it has signed an exclusive deal with Thomas Aquinas(TM), making the Doctor Angelicus the studio's newest contract saint to illuminate the prestigious roster.

Aquinas will make his Dominican/Franciscan debut in second quarter 2008. The portly, dark-complected theologian will also star in the upcoming "Summa Theologica II: Summa Summa Theologica," the highly anticipated treatise published by Digital Playground's award-winning Eclesiastical Philosophy division in collaboration with the University of Naples.

"Sounds like 'Nipples,'" joked Pope Urban IV.

Samantha Lewis, Digital Playground CEO comments, "When I initially encountered Aquinas' teachings about the nature of angels I loved that he had such clear cut and defined ideas about their ability to move from point A to point B without passing through anything in between. We strive to make all our contract saints to not appear like they've sustained any damage. Aquinas is simple, a methodical thinker, and has no qualms about all that it takes to make his case before the Second Council of Lyons, where me and Joone hope he will reconcile the Greek and Latin churches and Tera Patrick. I look forward to working very closely with St. Thomas and helping him to grow a prestigious career at Digital Playground along with Sts. Augustine(TM), Ambrose(TM), Jerome(TM), Gregory(TM) and Riley Saint Eele(TM). We welcome Thomas Aquinas as our newest contract saint and look forward to presenting him to the canonical court at Avignon."

Thomas Aquinas(TM) comments, "Digital Playground is the only company that can launch my career almost overnight. Its owners and staff are dedicated to creating saints. I'm impressed that quality and branding are the objective; our goals are the same - to define the Trinity in simple and unconfusing terms, free of the Sophia Santi heresy. This is a dream come true, I am so happy to be Digital Playground's newest theological scholar and to have the opportunity to work with Samantha and Joone on 'Pirates II.'"

Joone, Digital Playground Founder and award-winning director confirms, "A truly unexpected find, Thomas Aquinas(TM) is the total package. He is smart, pious, overflows with self-confidence, and knows that nothing is in the intellect that was not first in the senses, as we ourselves have stated in the series Jack's Big Ass Show. We love that he is fresh, ambitious, and has goals that pertain to international acceptance of Christ and Blu-Ray. We are pleased to have Thomas Aquinas(TM) as our newest contract saint and encourage our fans to have a beatification-off in his honor!"

Added Aquinas(TM), who died in 1274, "I'm wondering how many starlets can dance on the head of my cock."

Previously: Digital Playground's cavalcade of synonyms
See also: Digital Playground announces exclusive deal with Gabriella Fox

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, hype, jesus, riley steele, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, March 20, 2008 | 3 Comments Links to this post

Cruel Digital Playground. Do they expect me to just give up my manageable, wholesome crush on Stoya by trotting out the virginal Riley Steele (TM)? Apparently, because not only will Steele (TM) perform her first boy/girl scene in the ever-upcoming Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge, but she has also given up her tender brand identity. You should only do that for someone you love, but it looks mutual.

While the promo pictures do look slightly like those of Jesse Jane (TM), I am assured that they are not the same person. You will also notice that Steele (TM) is so new that only one picture exists of her.

"Riley is the total package and the perfect compliment (sic) to our contract star roster," Digital Playground founder Samantha Lewis said in a statement.

Not to be outdone, Steele (TM) fired back: "Digital Playground is a class act and by far the best."

"Oh you," Digital Playground then said.

"Oh you," Steele (TM) replied.

Then I trademarked the word you (TM). Make those checks payable to Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, Gentle-Kill Abbatoir, and Lobster Hatchery suckers!

Previously: Stoya avoids labels
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, riley steele, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, February 29, 2008 | 1 Comments Links to this post

I took a few hundred pictures at the AVN convention, and also handed my camera around to various lowlifes. I have finally labeled most of the pictures in my gallery, but still need some help. Let me know if you can add names to the faces (and other parts).

(Thanks already to Devanter and Black and Blue Media for some embarrassing but necessary corrections.)

See the gallery here.

Labels: avn, avn08, fotos, stoya, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Sunday, February 10, 2008 | 2 Comments Links to this post

I am not saying that the Porno-Industrial Complex does not deserve to honor itself or that pornfolk do not deserve recognition for their hard work, but I can't shake the feeling that adult awards shows, with their Lifetime Achievement honors and Man of the Year trophies, seem like kids dressing up in their parents' oversized sportcoats and ball gowns and putting on a show in the barn.

"...and watching white guys mack their pimpness to doormen isn't how I want to spend my time," added Blueblood.com editor Amelia G. (seen here with the amiable Forrest Black).

I enjoy adult awards shows. They are charming. But last night's XBiz Awards, last month's AVN Awards, the XRCO Awards and all the various Kucinich-level adult award events are all the same gig albeit in different venues with differing amounts of money behind them. The audience's tenuous attention to its host at the inevitably tardy start rapidly unravels by the 20-minute mark.

By the end, most of the audience has drifted away, the presenters are calling for attention, and the majority of attendees remaining are just in earshot in case their award category is coming up.

How often have you heard Billy Crystal tell the Oscar audience to "Shut the fuck up"? It happens all the time at adult awards shows.

That said, I always have a good time, because I'm hanging around with everyone else in back. As Porn's ambassador to the outside world, however, I imagine the wry and winking, bemused and condescending takes visiting mainstream reporters might have on such events - mostly because I hate competition in the Bemused and Condescending department but also because I have tender feelings for this business.

The XBiz Awards were held at the Hollywood Highlands, a popular nightclub adjacent to the Oscars' Kodak Theatre. XBiz Conference attendees needed only to walk across the street from the Roosevelt Hotel and climb the stairs. Inside were several bars and a large VIP area. I heard there were snacks there, but I left coldcut-free because I kept bumping into people I knew.

One was Veronique Vega, whose new haircut reminds me of a healthy Amy Winehouse that I want to debase and hook on drugs. She is part Puerto Rican and part Tahitian. I wonder if we're related?

Here is intellectual filmmaker DCypher getting into a shot of Halcyon Styn and Ashley Steel. It was the couple's six-month anniversary.

"I am a Buddhist," DCypher said.

People might argue that adult personnel are an army of rebels and free-thinkers who can't sit down and shut up due to their boundless energy and First Amendment patriotism. Those people might have been correct about this as few as ten years ago, but if they're still saying it they're dummies. Now it's nothing more than limited attention span coupled with nothing to pay attention to.

Tommy Gunn and Ashlyn Brooke attended the awards, squabbling over who looked better.

"I have full breasts," Brooke noted. "You lose."

Nina Hartley expertly handled three different gan interactions in our two-minute conversation. Each fan left with a remarkable sense of well-being.

Casey Parker pinned Holly Randall to the unyielding brick. She couldn't do it to me becausae I was holding the camera.

When last we saw Tori Black, she was crawling all over Sindee Jennings in pasties. It was a magical time for us. But I finally got to talk with her with clothes on.

"Glad you have your clothes on this time," the 5'9" Seattle native did not say. She has only been in the business for a few months, she said, but wanted to make clear that, though her scenes might be hardcore, she is still a lady.

"People forget that women are elegant," she said.

Svengali in training James Bartholet proposes something distasteful to Veronica Rayne.

It is very important the world sees more of Ava Rose. I hope she's off tomorrow.

This unintentionally arty photo of Michael Lucas and Titan Media's Keith Webb was one of several camera accidents. I explained to Lucas that his excellent Intern was the only gay movie I have seen (other than Quadrophenia)and he quickly suggested several others. He didn't seem to think I should quit while I was ahead.

I told Stoya I would put a picture of her on my website every day if I could. I think she must be some kind of witch; she doesn't take a bad picture.

"People saw my vagina on your site and started e-mailing me about flashing people in Las Vegas," she said.

"It can't be flashing if you took the picture under the table with my camera while I was away," I said. That wasn't flashing; it was a gesture of love.

Here's shrewd businesswoman Shy Love. Shy Love fans will be happy to know she is even prettier in person.

Pride of Nashua Heather Silk was set to appear in a "Pussy Party" before the shoot was rescheduled. I had never met her before but her dress sort of rides up that way, which I think is a plus. We didn't have time to talk about the Orange Julius at the Pheasant Lane Mall.

Finally, Flower Tucci let me know in no uncertain terms that she's into Satan, too.

"Let's get out of here; you're weird," she said, which in that context was a huge compliment. I doubt she remembers it, but I gave up drinking three days too soon.

As Penthouse's Marc Bell walked to the stage amid awkward clapping and the "Rocky" theme to accept his Man of the Year award, I bumped into a little white guy dressed in a pimp suit.

"Pardon me," I said.

"It's all good, brah," he said.

It was all good. (It would have been better with a drink, though.)

Previously: AVN 2008 Wrap-up: I will never spread my commentary again
See also: XBiz

Labels: ashley steel, Ashlynn Brooke, Ava Rose, awards, casey parker, commentary, events, heather silk, holly randall, michael lucas, nina hartley, stoya, Tommy Gunn, veronique vega, WGL, xbiz

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, February 08, 2008 | 5 Comments Links to this post

Stoya and I happened to be seated next to each other at a timeshare demonstration when I got up to mingle with the other retirees, pay-per-minute millionaires, and fans of Tanya Roberts in the room. During that time, Stoya took this picture with my camera:

I discovered the picture later and did a perfect spit take (but not with my mouth).

"It's shaped differently," Stoya pointed out. "It sort of goes to the side."

"It's smirking at me like Billy Idol. I can't take my eyes (without a face) from it."

If everyone who stole my camera took a picture of her vagina, well, the Fotomat guy probably wouldn't spend so much time fretting about his diabetes. Think what Stoya would have done had I left my Etch A Sketch!

Previously: Jack's POV 9

Labels: Digital Playground, fotos, pop, stoya, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, January 09, 2008 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Because I am a product of the American South, I begin each New Year with a ham, coleslaw, and blackeyed peas dinner. This means that, around January 3, I am eating ham sandwiches.

I was in a sandwich state of mind when I watched Stoya's first POV movie, but I was also very happy that the ridiculous biographies that accompany Digital Playground acquisitions (Stoya is their new contract girl) seemed out of place with Stoya. It was as if the steveporn princeling had written hers.

Read the review here.

Previously: Seen here last: Today's Domme Stoya
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: minireview, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 03, 2008 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Stoya^TM, Pig-Spanish for the verb To Be, has become Digital Playground's newest contract performer.

"We wanted to cash in on the steveporn craze the emo kids are so concerned with," no one associated with the company said. "We figured: 'It's less work'."

Stoya's assimilation into Digital PlayBorg was announced during last week's Berlin Fair, an annual adult convention. She joins registered trademarks Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, and Sophia Santi, the Katsumi/Katsuni hybrid, and the blissfully unfettered Teagan Presley. No accounting was made for Lacie Heart and Jana Cova in the accompanying press release.

Sources say that one more contract girl is in the offing. Digital Playground announced Katsumi and Lacie Heart within days of each other last December.

Our team of translators worked overtime parsing the press release, which seemed to peg Stoya as some kind of Predator-Next-Door:

Originally from the Carolina's, Stoya is blessed with striking features and a lean, tight body. Completely natural, she stands tall at 5'7" and weighs in at 125 lbs. Her pale skin is accentuated by dark hair and full, pouting lips. With an affliction for pain and suffering, Stoya defines herself only as an android from the future (emphasis added). She loves to make clothes, read good books and play with her cats. Truly unique and intensely passionate, Stoya takes pride in her nudity and general moody perception of the world.

Out of all the things that are kinda weird about this press release, the thing that sticks with me is: what, exactly, is a general moody perception of the world? Does she have an affliction for moodiness? What about her cats? If I were to offend them, would her Cats Sue Me?

Stoya has a lovely face that makes her outfit in this picture seem like a Halloween costume for a woman who ran out of ideas for the party and at the last minute decided to go for Slutty. I hope our operatives can talk with her before she starts adding the "TM" to her autographs, because then it will be too late.

Previously: Oh, And Lacie Heart, too; Katsumi to join Robby D.'s hand; Jesse Jane: Seen here last!; Babysitters
See also: Digital Playground, Rush

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, hype, jana cova, jesse jane, katsuni, shay j, sic, sophia santi, stoya, teagan presley

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, October 18, 2007 | 2 Comments Links to this post