Porn Valley Observed by Gram Ponante

"(Porn Valley Observed is) the smartest and funniest coverage of the adult industry you will read." - About.com

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Erotica L.A. 2009 is the new 2002

Erotica L.A. seemed packed the two days I attended, and that is an encouraging - though qualified - sign for Porn Valley's most precious resource.

The south hall of the L.A. Convention Center had been floorscaped to smaller dimensions than in previous years, so it was hard to move around. Crowds formed around Belladonna, consumers clotted like the pills on those faux-400-threadcount sheets I bought here last year. Visiting news crews, all hoping to catch someone slipping the name of the occasional performer who was diagnosed with HIV last week, saw a hall that seemed packed.

"Everything is not grim with the adult industry in California," they concluded.

And it's true. While the THC Expo in the west hall struggled to attract visitors with promises of dog attack demonstrations and t-shirts made of hemp, L.A. Erotica delivered the FAME Awards, the first public appearance of the toothy Rio Valentine, Sinnamon Love falling out of her dress and her trailer, and the debut of Jenna Jameson's perfume.

There was also the preview of Oh Mi Bod's wireless vibrator, allowing you to be the DJ of your partner's vagina, the reassuring/creepy return of both Jesus Loves Porn Stars and Escorts for the Disable/d, and new companies like Porn Star Tweet, which aggregates porn performers' Twitter messages into a convenient stalker portal that somehow makes money. They also hooked a cracker up when he was down on liquid refreshment. It was like New Orleans over there.

It was also a pleasure to see Miss Noname Jane, formerly AVN's Best New Starlet of 2004, in her first public appearance since getting her new/no name. I sued her out of habit.

How was business? It looked as if many performers were setting up their own booths or selling their wares while signing for other people. Darryl Hanah did this, tactfully explaining that she posed for photos but for a price, the mysterious Egyptian Cleopatra of the Nile sold signed copies of her comic book, and Burning Angel sold DVDs. It was the first year (I believe) that performers were allowed to make sales on the show floor.

The FAME Awards were efficient and uncontroversial. Stormy Daniels hosted and also won Best Boobs ("I feel like I can't take credit for this," she said. "All I did was buy them"), Jenna Haze won Dirtiest Girl, Teagan won Best Ass, and Digital Playground won Best Movie for "Pirates II." I also heard conflicting reports over whether Stoya was in or out of Digital Playground. All I know is that she's staying with me for a few days and we're going to go on one of those Bucket List road trips.

Impressive things:

Darryl Hanah said that one of the guys touched by last week's Patient Zero is on her No list anyway.
Dane Cross said he approves of every dude on girlfriend Faye Valentine's Yes list, now that she's doing guys. "It's still awkward, though," he said
Lexi Love could fit inside Tera Patrick three times
Kagney Linn Karter has always been nice to me; I'm looking forward to getting some drinks in her, though
Daisy Marie would be my choice to play Violet Bick in the all-Mexican porn version of "It's A Wonderful Life" (but Larry Flynt still gets to play Mr. Potter)
AVN's first "consolidated" issue will come out in September
Jenna Jameson's perfume smells like the balled-up Kleenexes old ladies keep in their pocketbooks at church. I wanted it to smell like vanilla strippers
Porno Dan said of his friend, "She has the best-tasting pussy. I jerked off in my hand while I was eating her out." In my mind I wondered why he was telling me this. If there was scar tissue on his brain that made his boundaries amorphous. "That's very sweet," I said, and drank some more. We're both part of the same hypocrisy, Senator
Dana Dearmond looks cute in her new braces
Kristina Rose is not necessarily a Lakers fan
Being greeted by Clips4Sale.com's talking robot at the door is not an encouraging sign for anyone who remembered how bad "Rocky IV" was
Fewer paralytics this year, more fat girls in corsets

Riley Steele must just sit in the tub and look at herself. And she probably says "Jesus Christ"
The carpet in the THC Expo was green
I asked Phoenix Marie's 6'8" bodyguard when the last time was he had to physically remove someone from a building. He couldn't think of one time. "Just look at me," he said
Evan Stone is getting the new iPhone on June 19 and giving his current one to his girlfriend
I met Dirty Harry for the first time. What an honor
If the Pope did porn, His Holiness might call the movie "Papal Syrup"
I have a feeling that Sunny Lane is especially good at the Girlfriend Experience

I thought Erotica LA was an excellent example of living within means. It might not have been as crowded with exhibitors and fans as previous years, but it worked well within the limits of the new economy.

See my 2009 Erotica-LA gallery here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Erotica LA in review - 2006, 2007, 2008
See also: Erotica LA

Labels: bobbi starr, dana dearmond, ela09, Evan Stone, events, jenna haze, jenna jameson, kristina rose, lexi love, noname jane, phoenix marie, riley steele, rio valntine, Stormy Daniels, stoya, sunny lane

¶ Sunday, June 14, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Girls on film: Digital Playground doesn't let the bed get cold

Tonight's FAME Awards are to be the last appearance of "Digital Playground's Stoya," Stoya says, and her swan song as DP's most promising contract performer since Jesse Jane and Teagan comes 24 hours after the announcement of Rio Valentine as the Van Nuys company's new brunette.

*whew* apt. is almost all packed up. leaving tmrw morning for last scheduled work thing as "digital playground's stoya" no idea whats next.

...Stoya wrote via Twitter on Friday night. Fans can thank Marilyn Manson for the parting of the ways between Digital Playground and Stoya: the creeprock dude had publicly bragged that he had shaved a swastika into Stoya's pubes.

Earlier Friday, Digital Playground had trumpeted the addition of Rio Valentine. Here is what the company says about the 19-year-old, who once performed as Morgan Dayne:

Rio Valentine entered into a contract with Digital Playground in June of 2009. Spanish for “river”, Rio is also the title of a famous Duran Duran song about a strong and nurturing girl, creating her own path and fully embodying life. Valentine displays Rio’s romantic side and creates a foundation for an intimacy fans will begin to discover. The name Rio Valentine perfectly captures the essence of her being, and her playful, deviant, and sexy nature.

This is only slightly worse than Stoya's introductory press release from October, 2007:

Originally from the Carolina's, Stoya is blessed with striking features and a lean, tight body. Completely natural, she stands tall at 5'7" and weighs in at 125 lbs. Her pale skin is accentuated by dark hair and full, pouting lips. With an affliction for pain and suffering, Stoya defines herself only as an android from the future (emphasis added). She loves to make clothes, read good books and play with her cats. Truly unique and intensely passionate, Stoya takes pride in her nudity and general moody perception of the world.

Digital Playgrund received assurances from Valentine that she would not allow any symbol other than the Playboy Bunny to be shaved onto her person.

We wish Valentine and Stoya the best, and hope that the guys from the Gin Blossoms and the Spin Doctors don't go around tattooing pentagrams on people.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Seen here last; Memphis Monroe abandons contract stardom...; Meet Sadie West
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, rio valntine, stoya

¶ Saturday, June 13, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sex mit Stoya macht frei

Stoya is being coy-a about the rumor that Marilyn Manson shaved a swastika on her pubes.

"Well gosh Grams," she said, "I have yet to see a recent photograph of my vagina and its pubic topiary, so right now it's all just hearsay and rumors, isn't it?"

Yes. And that is why I contacted you before writing anything. But is it true that Marilyn Manson, 18 years your senior, shaved a symbol more provocative than the No Fat Chicks t-shirt onto you? If so, how did he do it?

"If it was true," she said, "I'd assume it involved some hair clippers and maybe shaving cream. Possibly a stencil and pencil of some sort - "

Okay, I get it -

" - A bathtub or other source of water would probably come in handy in that hypothetical situation as well," said Stoya.

Oh, Stoya. What has happened to us?

I remember my initial rise to fame. I felt like a princess. But then there were detractors who said that Grams, like Icarus, was getting too close to the Sun and would fall! A sacrifice needed to be made. I started dating Lita Ford and staying out late. I appeared on the cover of Adam Film World with Traci Lords. I forgot that my fame needed to be gently shepherded like a bird or, to avoid mixing metaphors, like a bird made of sheep.

Whether it was a publicity stunt, poorly calculated lie, or our friend Stoya caught up in someone else's thoughtless self-promotion, I'll only say that when Stoya showed me her vagina it didn't look like a concentration camp; it looked like an analog playground.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Stoya in ancient times; Gram Ponante announces Oscars of Porn; Someone's in the shower with Stoya; Stoya finds pierogies in Philadelphia; Does Aryan have the reich stuff?
See also: Stoya

Labels: celebrities, controversy, hype, interviews, stoya

¶ Wednesday, June 10, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post

Monday, May 04, 2009

A Bree grows in Stoya: Two porn industry responses to the recession

In "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn," a Depression-era working class mother of two brews more coffee than she needs, because the act of wasting something makes her feel rich.

In Digital Playground's "Stoya: Scream," Evan Stone jerks off on a perfectly good piece of steak and Stoya, who in real life is a vegetarian, licks off his marinade. The steak is then discarded.

This conspicuous consumption is one response to a freefalling economy; it says that you have the financial wherewithal to render useless by means of your ejaculate something that would keep a poor family from starving.

In Adam & Eve's "Bree's Big Campout," however, the resourceful Ms. Olson returns to the land, reducing her carbon footprint by wearing as few clothes as possible, and even skinnydipping in other people's pools rather than wasting resources by building her own.

I applaud Bree Olson's "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, do without" approach in these tough times.

Q. Grams, if you're so fiscally conservative, why, then, don't you advocate Validated Internal Popshots (VIPs) over all this wasteful facial load-dropping?
A. Because if the nation's contract stars are impregnated it becomes difficult to reuse them.

Of course, if either Stoya or Bree Olson came by Gram Ponante Towers, Hooverville, Shantytown, Soup Kitchen, or St. Vincent de Porn Society and requested that I snort ground up food stamps off their parts and defile them on blocks of government cheese, I'd drive my Escalade through an unemployment line to be at home in time.

Stoya Scream: Because you can't say "Boobies" without "Boo"
Bree's Big Campout: Bree pitches a tent

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: What would you do with Katrina Angel for $600?; Money is tight, but Audrey Hollander is not a whore; Porn economics - vaginas and gas
See also: Adam & Eve, Digital Playground

Labels: "adam and eve", books, bree olson, Digital Playground, monday reviews, money, stoya

¶ Monday, May 04, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Amy Fisher: MILF over Miami

Exxotica Miami, which in the past three years has grown to be the East Coast's biggest adult consumer show, next month features Amy Fisher hosting "The Search for South Florida's Hottest MILF."

And the contest is on Mother's Day, May 10.

I know of no other way for Dade County's moms to show their devotion to their children than by proving to the men who impregnated them that they are still desirable to porn fans who paid upwards of $35 a day to hoot at them.

Imagine the joy on the faces of her brood when Mom comes home, glistening with sweat and melon body spray, covered with paw prints, and clutching a voucher for a trip to Jamaica.

"You're leaving us again, Mom?" they weep.

"Mommy only looks this good when she stays far away from you," she'll say tenderly.

Amy Fisher, who has played both Lolita and MILF roles, joins fellow Milves Jesse Jane, Savanna Samson, Teagan Presley, and Eva Angelina at the event, as well as Ron Jeremy, Stoya, Jenna Haze, Sasha Grey, Kayden Kross, Bree Olson, and the Wicked Girls, as well as Florida's Own Sunny Lane.

The weekend also features the return of 2 Live Crew, who once uttered the immortal words:

That Dick!
Is a motherfucker
I won't get pussy-whipped by a dick-sucker
That Dick!
Is a greedy bitch's dinner
I let a bitch feed before I go up in her.

Exxotica Miami runs from May 8th through May 10th.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: A clockwork tradeshow; Amy Fisher - it's not personal; 2 Live Crew's Luke quits music
See also: Amy Fisher, Exxxotica Miami

Labels: amy fisher, bree olson, eva angelina, events, florida, hip hop, jenna haze, Kayden Kross, MILF, ron jeremy, sasha grey, savanna samson, stoya, sunny lane, teagan presley, wicked

¶ Tuesday, April 21, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Digital Playground preps Pirates 3

When Digital Playground adapted Disney's theme park ride-turned-movie series Pirates of the Caribbean into the Pirates pornos, few thought the adult versions would be so successful. But now that the Pirates of the Caribbean series is over, Digital Playground has set its sites on a comic book adaptation, Crotchmen.

"We wanted to go darker," said Jesse Jane of the bleak alternate 1985 setting in which all the Digital Playground contract performers have pubic hair. "We're a group of fake-breasted porn stars who question our relevance once Stoya arrives."

"Right," said Stoya. "Because not only do I have small, natural breasts, but I am also blue, so I can skip interracial and jump right into hot interspecies/interdimensional action."

The loose-knit band of contract performers find their livelihoods threatened by the return of Stagnetti and Katsuni, piloting a Black Freighter filled with unrepresented gonzo girls and Internet models to Joonestown. Jesse Jane must intercept the freighter while sailing a raft built from former Digital Playground stars Sophia Santi, Tera Patrick, and Jana Cova.

"I try to get to Joonestown before the Black Freighter and Katsuni can fuck everyone before me," Jane said.

"And I teleport into (strategic guest star) Bree Olson's vagina and out her ass, and then into (strategic guest star) Kylie Ireland's vagina and out her ass" Stoya said.

The third act of Pirates 3 deals with what Jane encounters upon arriving in Joonestown first.

"What I imagined would be a massive gangbang turns out to be me doing a bunch of solo scenes," Jane said, "and my character has to deal with that."

The Crotchmen porn adaptation has already weathered many personnel changes. Originally attached to direct was Ed Powers in 1991, with a cast that included Seka as the blue Dr. Clamhattan and Ron Palillo as Horshack. That deal fell through, and directors as diverse as Paul Thomas, Michael Ninn (twice, using different names), and Nic Andrews all took a crack at the convoluted script, after original writer Alan Moore publicly distanced himself from it.

"I'm the only person who has stayed with the project all the way through," said Ron Jeremy, who plays Richard Nixon.

Pirates III: The Black Freighter has already swept the 2011 combo AVN/XBiz/XRCO/Adultcon/Topco adult awards by special arrangement. According to a Digital Playground press release, Freighter cost $72 million and has already grossed twice that two years before its release.

"Making Stoya blue did not come cheap," said director Ali Joone, "but we're already recouping the cost with Robby D's off-year Smurfs adaptation, and I think Celeste wants her to play Krishna in one of her Visions."

"My skin is really starting to hurt now," said Stoya, who had to undergo a painful dermaltinting procedure. "But it's all for the best."

Are porn adaptations of graphic novels the wave of the future?

"I'm in preproduction of a Paul Auster reimagining I'm calling City of Ass," said David Aaron Clark, "and I've already landed Mika Tan as Quim."

While only a poster for Pirates III: The Black Freighter has been created by press time, reports from Van Nuys indicate that people are already jerking off to it.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: "For the love of God, please let me die"; Porn Valley goes Hollywood in annual tradition; Apple to leave MacWorld for Adult Entertainment Expo
See also: Watchmen, Digital Playground

Labels: "david aaron clark", comics, Digital Playground, geekery, jesse jane, katsuni, mika tan, satire, stoya, tera patrick

¶ Thursday, March 05, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Working on a sex pharm: The HMO-erotic Nurses

Two months after production of Pirates 2 wrapped last year, Digital Playground went north to Santa Clarita for five days in July to shoot Nurses, which follows Babysitters (and will probably precede Stewardesses, Policewomen, and, if I'm lucky, Nuns) in Digital Playground's Potentially Sexy American Occupations series.

Above, Katsuni and Shay Jordan deal with Tommy Gunn's chemically-induced Priapism the only way they know how.

Nurses offers clinical looks at the likes of Jenna Haze, Jesse Jane, and Stoya, and gives new meaning to the word "discharge." It is a delightful movie that plays to all Digital Playground's strengths, and identifies Sasha Grey as the person consuming our country's donated sperm supply.

Read my review of Nurses here.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Here there be Pirates 2 contest; Someone's in the shower with Stoya; Help Angelina Armani love L.A.
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: Digital Playground, jenna haze, jesse jane, sasha grey, stoya

¶ Thursday, February 26, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, January 29, 2009

AVN 2009: The only numbers you can trust

Number of times it took Stormy Daniels, equipped with oversized ceremonial scissors, to cut the ribbon opening the 2009 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo: 4
Amount of times Jesse Jane's body would likely fit into that of her husband, if the latter were hollowed out: 4
Number of minutes prior to the closing of the red carpet that Jenna Haze arrived: 10
Rank of strippers, Internet models, and video porn stars in lack of clothing on convention floor: 1, 2, 3
Amount of time, in minutes, it took award-nominated performers seated in Mandalay bleacher seats to realize they were not going to win an award: 30
Amount of time, in minutes, following that realization that I saw them at a party four miles up the Strip with their pants around their ankles: 30
Number of people in TT Boy's red carpet entourage: 12
Number in Flavor Flav's: 4
Number in Mark Spiegler's: 11
Percentage increase, since last year, of MMA fighters on the red carpet: 100
Rank of Thea Vidale's handler and Syd Blackovich as most striking women on red carpet: 1, 2
Number of times I ate at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant this year: 1
Number of times I ate at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant last year: 7
Rank of Gastric Horror as a Result of Chicken Fried Steak in determining that decrease: 1
Good, according to hygiene-conscious performer Jack Lawrence, that hand sanitizer does: 0

Number of items Courtney Cummz signed for a single fan: 13
Percentage of Jenny Hendrix' body that was adorned with pink things: 78
Number of awards won by "Pirates II: Stagnetii's Revenge": 15
Number won by "Texas Vibrator Massacre": 0
Ratio of decrease, in square feet, of space taken up by Vivid booth to decrease, in percentage, of exhibitors at Adult Entertainment Expo: 1:1
Time elapsed, in minutes, between thinking my media badge was stolen or lost to discovering it was in my other pants: 45
Amount of people I asked for a replacement during this time: 4
Amount who flouted regulations by giving me a replacement: 0
Amount of people walking red carpet in first half hour: 5
Amount walking in final half hour: 67

First year documentation exists of adult industry professionals saying "I would be surprised if there was an AVN Expo next year": 1997
Number of years since Ginger Lynn, now performing in Cougar movies, won her Best New Starlet award: 24
Percentage of Best New Starlet winners still appearing in adult movies: 35
Percentage of Best New Starlets from this decade no longer appearing in adult films: 40
Ratio of Consumer Electronics Show attendees interviewed to AEE attendees interviewed who said they would "probably not" go to their convention next year: 4:1

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: AVN 2009 in pictures, AVN 2008 index

Labels: avn09, awards, courtney cummz, events, flavor flav, ginger lynn, Jack Lawrence, jenna haze, jenny hendrix, jesse jane, madison young, sasha grey, spiegler, Stormy Daniels, stoya

¶ Thursday, January 29, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, January 15, 2009

No Name Jane to start working with John Does again

Porn star marriages are tender things. Noname Jane (formerly Violet Blue) is married to a nice guy named Dick Danger, with whom she worked exclusively for a couple of years. She recently decided to be entered by other fellows on film.

"That must have been a tough thing," I said.

"It's funny," she said. "I was always the one who was worried that he didn't want me doing other guys for work, but he really doesn't care about me doing other guys for work. It's not like I'm dating them."

Blue and Danger currently live in the State of Washington but plan to move south within a few months.

"Dick Danger is an amazing artist and being down in LA would be great for his work," she said. "And I really can't be a porn star up here in the sticks."

"You can do whatever you want, whoever you are," I said.

Remember Stoya getting this year's Best New Starlet award at AVN even though she's been in movies since 2006? That happened to Noname Jane (when she was Violet Blue), too.

"I was in my first porn scene in April 2000, and won Best New Starlet in 2002," she said. "They didn't notice me until I dyed my hair blonde, I think. But one of the editors at AVN brought it up when it happened."

And yet they did nothing?

"Then again, I was Violet for my first year of porn and not Violet Blue, so maybe they thought I was someone else."

"Well, they didn't think you were a sex blogger, that's for sure."

"No comment."

(Goat picture courtesy Mark Miller, spread picture courtesy Ed Fox)

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Gram Ponante announces Oscars of Porn
See also: Noname Jane

Labels: animals, dick danger, ed fox, interviews, mark miller, noname jane, photographers, stoya

¶ Thursday, January 15, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stoya in ancient times or: Everything old is (Best) new (Starlet) again

It is true that Stoya won this year's Best New Starlet award at AVN, but it is also true that she appeared in Winkytiki's Man's Ruin in 2007 and JacktheZipper's Razordolls in 2006.

And don't say that because those were steveporn movies that it doesn't count. I believe Stoya's claim to newness has something to do with her wholesome virginity.

This is not the shocking and incisive journalism readers normally find on this site, the sort of thing that makes you tent your fingers and lower your chin into your turtleneck. No, this is more of a found item.

While cleaning out my file cabinet I found a copy of Man's Ruin, for which I had recorded a DVD commentary track with Smokin' Mary Jane in 2006. I never got a copy of the movie, never heard what became of the recording, never got paid, etc., but I still think Octavio "Winkytiki" Arizala is a brilliant photographer. Then, following some unpleasantness with one Eon McKai that resulted in my never receiving Vivid-steve screeners unless I talked with the individual directors personally (and even then I wasn't allowed on their sets), I finally had to make a special request to be sent Man's Ruin.

So it arrived and it sat on my shelf for two months. I resolved to watch it and several other movies by the end of 2008, but Life got in the way. Both Milton Bradley's game Life and a massive box of Life cereal, in fact.

Man's Ruin's space/surf/tech theme is like a cross between Vien Savio's Shades of Romona and Ron Royster's Atomic Vixens. All three movies either feature Ava Rose or Justine Joli. Man's Ruin also has a lot of fun extras, like some public domain anti-porn PSAs. But my commentary track with Smokin' Mary Jane is not included. Probably because it was too incendiary.

Anyway, I was surprised to see that then-20-year-old Stoya appears in the opening scene with Melodie Gore, cavorting merrily with her trademark animated expressions and delightful demeanor.

Q. But if Stoya appeared in Man's Ruin and Debbie Loves Dallas (both released in 2007) and Razordolls (released in 2006), how is she the Best New Starlet?
A. Er, I don't know. Because she was vaginally penetrated with a penis for the first time on film in 2008?

There are so much more important things to worry about than the intellectual integrity of the AVN Awards. For example, you could worry about the intellectual integrity of the XBiz Awards.

Or you could say, "Do I want one of those Jack in the Box egg rolls or three? Can I have two?"

See? You start worrying about things like that and you just can't stop. Go to sleep. Sleep.

Watch Man's Ruin now.
Buy Man's Ruin now.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Melodie Gore on TV; Justine Joli - multitasker; Ava Rose - it's what's for dinner; Stoya - Deeper 11; Smokin' Mary Jane - just because
See also: Stoya

Labels: Ava Rose, justine joli, melodie gore, steveporn, stoya, winkytiki

¶ Wednesday, January 14, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Pirates II Party: About a boat, but in a Jet

Digital Playground hosts its Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge party this Friday at JET in the Mirage hotel.

"Only JET, the hottest night club in Vegas, is equipped to handle a party of this magnitude for the hottest movie of the year," says an unattributed source in a press release.

Jesse Jane®, Stoya™, Riley Steele™, Katsuni, Angelina Armani™, and non-trademarked stars Sasha Grey and Teagan Presley will be on hand Friday night, where a ateam of trademark lawyers will be on hand to register their names the way Mormons have baptized your ancestors.

“I would like to thank everyone at JET Nightclub for all their help in arranging the party,” said Samantha Lewis, Digital Playground's CEO. “I couldn't be more pleased with the response that 'Pirates II' received in 2008. This party is a great way to kick off 2009, which promises to be even better as 'Pirates II' shows a definitive exponential sales increase and widespread market appeal."

Across town at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant, several entrepreneurs from Mogadishu will be hosting the Somali Pirates release party, featuring 2-for-1 drink specials and the hosting talents of Sassy McSassypants, star of Wicked Vivid's Bedwetting Puppeteers and the voice of Mei Mei in the porn classic Totoro Meets Voltron.

"This party is a great way to kick off 2009, which promises to be even better as 'Somali Pirates' shows a definitive exponential sales increase and widespread market appeal," said Umbul N'kedge.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 review
See also: Digital Playground, JET

Labels: angelina armani, avn09, jesse jane, katsuni, parties, riley steele, sasha grey, stoya, teagan presley

¶ Tuesday, January 06, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, January 05, 2009

Vegas, scabies, Vegas

I will be reporting from Las Vegas for the rest of this week, here for the Consumer Electronics Show (pushes up glasses) and the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo (pulls down pants).

This year's show will mark my third as the editor of this website. Despite this, for every sultry, "Come hither!" look I receive, I get another one that says "Go hence!"

It's a tough life.

Labels: 2008, avn09, Digital Playground, events, las vegas, stoya

¶ Monday, January 05, 2009 1 Comments Links to this post

Friday, January 02, 2009

Gram Ponante announces Oscars of Porn

At a tearful ceremony this morning at the Lamplighter Restaurant, the grant-funded National Institutes of Pornographic And Pornotextual Arts presented their Oscars of Porn, the first and most prestigious adult awards of the year.

"Don't do drugs," said noted porn journalist Gram Ponante.

"Ever since the Institutes instituted this institution, the cash and blowjobs have been flowing in," Ponante added. "And frankly, I'm about spent from everything that's been flowing out."

Ponante demonstrated this depletion in the only way he knew how for a vocal contingent of foreign press.

"Stay in school," Ponante said, unraveling for a Belgian camera crew.

The Oscars of Porn were named for Oscar Goldman, Steve Austin's boss in the Six Million Dollar Man. NASA and JPL estimates concluded in 1983 that wounded astronaut Austin's cyborg rejiggering only cost $1.2 million, indicating that Goldman's assessment of the bionic man's worth was irrationally exuberant. Thus a perfect fit for porn.

"Our hearts go out to our nation's military," Ponante said.

2008 Excellence in Adult And/Or Erotic Entertainment Honors

Porn Movie of the Year
The Texas Vibrator Massacre

"Just about everything a porn movie should have is neatly packed into Rob Rotten's instant classic. The title alone says it doesn't take itself too seriously, yet the movie proves better than most grindhouse movies in that all the women you want to see naked actually become that way. And then, conveniently, they become dead. In this way, your ancestors are not shamed. So what if it's not original? Tobe Hooper would have wanted Roxy DeVille naked, too."

Think-piece of Ass of the Year
O2: The Surrender of O

"Juicy submissive Bree Olson tops from the bottom in the second excellent O movie from Ernest Greene. There's sealing wax, contracts on heavyweight paper, weeping, sage advice from Nina Hartley, excellent performances from Kayden Kross and Mika Tan, and Tommy Gunn as a bathrobe-wearing ne'er-do-well freeloader playing myself."

Conspicuous Cumsumption Award
Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge

"'Don't you know we're in a goddamn recession?' I shouted at the lavish Pirates 2 premiere, in which each attendee was given $1,000 cash and Tera Patrick's social security number, then was driven home by Jesse Jane. Everyone should have a copy of Pirates 2 not only because it is one of the most expensive porn movies ever made but also because it looks it, with Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Belladonna, and Jenna Haze working their asses off, only to have them fucked back into place."

Best Couples' Film
Slave 01

"Moxie Maddron is kept in the utility closet of a comfortable Porn Valley home by Eric Swiss in this intimate film by feel-good director Mike Ramone. Ramone joins Eli Cross, Mark Kulkis, and Heidi Pike-Johnson as former AVN editors who direct movies, and he delivers a character study that is as heartwarming as a Pixar film. Mark my words: Ramone will be the country's biggest exporter of hugs and smiles in '09." Honorable Mention: Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape. "While it was - shocking! - staged, I believed the 'I love you.'"

Best Bush
The Crash Pad

"While director Shine Louise Houston's series about a wiretapped San Francisco apartment used by itinerant sex-having lesbians might concern First Amendment activists, it is Porn's most enduring legacy to our 43rd president." Honorable Mention: The Bush Administration. "It's like pubic hair for straight people!"

Best Travelogue
Miles from Needles

"Huell Howser would be impressed with Savanna Samson's in depth study of the California hinterlands and its colorful characters. A movie awash in death, rednecks, and boobies, Miles from Needles features excellent performances by Kimberly Kane and April Blossom, and is even better than ario Argento's Hesperia."

Most Earnest Porn without Sasha Grey in It, Though Luckily It Has Madison Young
The Whore Within Me

"Like atoms, whores just are. We needn't explain what makes someone a whore, we just need to let whores go off and be whorish without comment or examination. If we break down the whore to her component protons and electrons, we risk a spermonuclear reaction."

If By 'Oven' You Mean 'Vagina,' Well, Then Yes She's Got One in the Oven Award
Nina Hartley's Great Sex During Pregnancy

"The Future No-Name Jane is knocked up and up in this movie, which says that you can't get a woman pregnant enough."

Glass Ceiling Award
Mother of the Year

"Used to be that having children meant the end of a woman's career. Not any longer. With California's 1997 MILF Statutes finally being enforced, the sky's the limit for women unsatisfied with the limitations of Entrance Only vaginas."

You Can Leave Your Shirt On Award
circa '82

"Whether it's a style choice or they're all burn victims, these girls are bottomless like a good cup of coffee throughout this movie, featuring appearances by members of the Circle Jerks and the Germs."

Comeback of the Year (pt. II) Award
Tricia Devereaux in Defend Our Porn

"Performing in the one original scene in an excellent 3-disc compilation set meant to defray Evil Angel's court costs in its recent obscenity case, the delightful Devereaux just might make you defray all over yourself."

Triple-crossed by a Tranny Award
Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!

"This movie dramatically illustrates a disturbing trend in our neighborhoods that is killing our fish and ducks: Abducted by dominatrices, fey but otherwise innocent men will be further humiliated/stimulated when the domme reveals a tranny lurking in the wings."

Robert Fulghum Award
Stoya: Deeper 11

"Stoya's facial expressions give the impression that what is happeing to her is unexpected, whether she is ordering pierogies or being sodomized. This allows her to maintain her sense of wonder. Everything you need to know you can learn propped atop Stoya's near-translucent hillocks."

Best Hentai And Pickup Line
Night When Evil Falls I

"I'll let these tentacular underpants-probing Japanese animated professionals speak for themselves -

The water is absorbing the magic - the magic that is in your pussy juice!
You're a vulgar girl who loses control to a swollen clit, aren't you, Girl? I'll show you the discipline of Calderos!

and

For a tomboy, you're curvy with a girlish body. But your tits are small.

"Try out any and all of these at the Saddle Ranch. Get there early for a good table. For many in Los Angeles, being on time requires the discipline of Calderos!"

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 2007 Awards; 2006 Awards

Labels: 2008, awards, belladonna, bree olson, jesse jane, Kayden Kross, madison young, mika tan, nina hartley, noname jane, roxy deville, sasha grey, savanna samson, stoya, transsexual

¶ Friday, January 02, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Account of a Visit from Federal Agents

was the night before Christmas, and I was forlorn
Ne'r a vibrator whirring in the Valley of Porn;
The studios closed reluctantly down,
For fear that girls' parents had flown into town;
The day so beloved of all Christian saints,
Found trannys' surprises tucked under their taints,
And I in my tube socks, and you in your glitter
Had just prepped your ass for a poke in the shitter —

hen out on the stairs of our place in Van Nuys,
Came the surefooted clump of FBI guys.
Away to the closet where I keep the IDs,
I flew to inspect the accounts of disease.
The moon through the sheen of the fog and the rain,
Made it look like Wicked was filming again;
And the Feds' feral shouts from behind the locked door,
Were like thin, fearful teens railed by one Max Hardcore.

heir hands balled in fists of self-righteous rage,
They said, "This young harlot is just half your age!"
I hastened to cover myself with more socks,
And they rifled through my 2257 docs
"Now! Audrey, now! Aiden, now! Lorelei Lee,
"On! Bobbi, on! Flower, on! Nina Hartley;
"From the Dirtpipe Milkshake! To the rim of your gape!
"Have you shot any movies of hot nostril rape?"
I admitted I hadn't, but should I get to it
I'd call Adrianna Nicole: "Bet she'd do it."

o out to the warehouse they searched all my screeners,
Looking for content obscene and obscener:
They marveled at Kylie and Sara Vandella,
Were shocked at the acts of the aged De'Bella.
They wondered at Sasha, they drooled over Bree,
Jealous that Jenny had made drinks for me,
Or that Stoya had taken a snap of her snatch;
Or Lorena allowed me to wash off her thatch.
And they said as they looked at the porn on the shelves
"We get these erections in spite of ourselves."

wondered again why so many behaved
Like consenting adults just need to be saved,
As if billions of pairs of boobies online
Were just being ogled by one creepy guy,
As if thousands of women, like desperate Joads.
Dropped out of their grad schools for summa cum loads
Abandoned their theses and novels and yoga,
Embarked to the parkless Park of Canoga,
Or neighboring Chatsworth where, off of DeSoto
They'd grudgingly pose for the boxcover photo
That, if they'd the choice, they'd surely have said,
"I swallowed those dicks with a gun to my head."

hey turned with tears glistening and, covered in jism
They said, "You are a model of First Amendment Patriotism."
They gave me a medal, and a brand new Mercedes
And told me to keep writing 'bout naked ladies.
They left with signed photos of Sophia Santi —
Saying, "You're America's Beloved Porn Journalist, Gram Ponante."

Sincere wishes for happy holidays, everybody; you make this job even more enjoyable than it should be.

The top image was taken from a visit to the set of Hustler's Christmas in Memphis.

Labels: adrianna nicole, aiden starr, bobbi starr, bree olson, jenny hendrix, kylie ireland, lorelei lee, lorena sanchez, max hardcore, nina hartley, poetry, sara vandella, sasha grey, stoya, transsexual

¶ Wednesday, December 24, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Friday, December 12, 2008

Pirates 2 contest reaches wailing climax

I received several excellent ropey lyrical volleys for the Pirates 2 contest, leading me to think we should have a contest every month around here. The challenge was to write a poem inspired by Pirates 2, the same way Madonna wrote songs inspired by the film Dick Tracy. Yes, exactly like that.

There were limericks and haikus, and even a "Kubla Khan"-style shanty that reaffirms my faith in the intelligence and whimsy of our nation's porn consumers.

To see most of the responses, check out the comments section here, where winners can also find instructions for laying claim to their Pirates booty.

In the meantime, some of my favorites:

from Kiddex:

Jesse Jane in Pirates 2 does smoulder
And ne'er does she turn a cold shoulder
But still I'm aghast
And am forced to ask
"So where is Janine Lindemulder?"

Who rhymes anything with Janine Lindemulder anymore? Genius.

from Banshee:

Jesse the Wench was a cutie
With spectacular tits and that booty,
She knelt down and blew men,
Both captains and crewmen,
From LA to eastern Djibouti

Not just Djibouti but Eastern Djibouti. Genius.

from Super Edco:

Shyla Styles will dance burlesque
Sasha Grey your wenchy bimbo
Abby Brooks so Rubenesque
And Jenna Haze looks best akimbo!

and from HRE:

Though Stagnetti's ship may have sunk,
He'll come back in ways no one thunk,
And so I can see
it on DVD,
I'm writing this limerick whilst drunk.

That last one really hit me where I lived. I can't stop weeping!

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 contest; Today in porn swag; Expensive Joonetang!
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: abby brooks, art, belladonna, contest, Digital Playground, janine lindemulder, jenna haze, jesse jane, katsuni, poetry, sasha grey, SHYLA STYLES, stoya

¶ Friday, December 12, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, November 24, 2008

Here there be Pirates 2 contest

I am not saying that the marketing geniuses at Digital Playground orchestrated the recent unpleasantness with Somali pirates and Saudi-owned oil tankers to coincide with the release of Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge. I am just pointing out that each time an Island Fever hits the shelves, there is a Micronesian hurricans, tsunami, volcanic eruption, or banana republic coup.

In any case, I am happy to announce that loyal Gram Ponante readers are first in line to receive the Deluxe 4-disc Pirates 2 DVD package as part of that movie's worldwide promotion. That's a $60 value - almost absolutely free!!

Q. Grams, what do you mean by "almost absolutely free"?

A. Well, Billy, it means that there is a task you must undertake and perform it better than some of your peers and within a specific time frame in order to be rewarded with this worthwhile movie, of which America's Beloved Porn Journalist, Gram Ponante, said, "So the thrill you got to see added footage of Minas Tirith when the 'Return of the King' Extended Edition came out you can now feel when you see even more of Belladonna's colon." In other words: a contest.

Just write a limerick, haiku, epic poem, sonnet, song, or doctoral thesis about Jesse Jane, Belladonna, Shay Jordan, Stoya, or Katsuni and post it (or its URL) to the comments section of this post no later than Friday, December 5.

At that time I will select the ten best and those winners will be sent the booty, provided they are over 18 and live in a region where it is legal to ship a movie in which Belladonna's moneymaker is so clinically examined so often and with such relish. All entries shall be exclusive to this site, though I will credit the authors.

Buy Pirates 2 now (but why would you? Enter the contest and get it for free!)

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 review; Pirates 2 star-studded theatrical premiere
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: belladonna, contest, Digital Playground, hype, jesse jane, katsuni, Shay Jordan, stoya

¶ Monday, November 24, 2008 13 Comments Links to this post

Friday, November 21, 2008

Someone's in the shower with Stoya, and other stories from Webmaster Access West

I realize that only tiny pockets of my vast worldwide readership care about the mechanics of the porn world that doesn't involve the women on camera, so the past few days' coverage is only valuable to scholars, law enforcement officials, and the clergy.

"Grams, are you saying that people will mill around a hotel and convention center for three days without seeing some 20-year-old being vixenish?" you might well ask. So here are some shots from the Booze Cruise portion of Webmaster Access West.

The delightful Stoya was on hand to greet guests at Digital Playground's suite. Digital Playground has for years not capitalized on its online image and video libraries, so is now entering the online realm via contract girl websites (like Stoyaxxx.com) and its own affiliate network (digitalplaygroundcash.com). But that means nothing to you.

What matters most is that, after I got my drink (the Booze Cruise involved walking between the 7th and 8th floors of the Sheraton Universal and stopping in sponsored suites for drinks like it was the porn version of Halloween, which it most certainly was) I went straight to the bathroom, because that was the only place to breathe in such tight quarters.

Stoya was there, too, and I demanded she get in the shower. She told me all about her recent trip to Serbia and detailed the traveling she'd be doing to promote Pirates 2 over the next several months.

If Stoya comes to your town, you should meet her. You'll think: I like that Stoya. Then ask her about me. Say, "Is Gram really as black as they say he is?"

In the suite sponsored by affiliate network Flashcash I encountered Ashley Steel. Many people think that Steel is only a presence online, like a delightful flaw in the Matrix. But she is real. I first met her on the set of Atomic Vixens 700 years ago, by Porn Reckoning.

I asked Steele and these two Inuit women for a variety of poses, culminating with the "Pretend You're Preparing to Blow Me" pose.

Among Flashcash's promotions is a series of videos by a man named Hoobie who is "famous in pickup artist circles" or "the pickup artist community" for his methodical and successful strategies for picking up ladies, or "the ladies."

Because I am America's Beloved Porn Journalist and tethered to no company and all companies, I am going to watch Hoobie's tutorial and document my successes as well as (more likely) my legally actionable failures.

Here is adult personality Tony Batman at Flashcash's open bar. It appears that the bartender will die in seven days.

At a lonely room at the end of the hall stood the XBiz suite. Inside was an ice bowl full of XBuzz Energy Drink.

"Where do you get these things?" I asked the XBiz employee.

"I don't know," he said. "Our promotions department does it all. You should have one."

"I can't," I said. "They are too much like art. I would feel sacrilegious drinking one."

"The take one with you," he said (it was just me and him and a lot of snacks in the room).

"I can't just fill my office with tchotchkes from adult conventions," I said, resolving to throw away my can of Deep Throat energy drink as soon as I got into the office the next day (which I did). I mean, what was I thinking? "The energy drink that tastes like Linda Lovelace's clitoris"?

Then I thought, "What sort of swag should AVN have?" I'm thinking branded alpacas.

After discovering that the bathroom was the place to be, I made sure to hold court in each tiny suite's bathroom. Here I am with publicist Dusty Marie and, apparently, an oncoming train.

Webmaster Access West was a fun and informative convention, and tonight it culminated with a visit to the Playboy Mansion. I didn't go. Having been to the Playboy Mansion a few times, the thrill is gone. The grotto smells like my junior high locker room and the peacocks make a sound that is disconcertingly like the weeping of children (which also reminds me of my junior high school locker room).

Taking my leave, I asked Stoya to reenact not the shower scene from Psycho but any one of thousands of gonzo movies in which we see the hand of the mouth-breathing director reaching out to paw at the talent.

"Ohhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuck," I said, reading from the script. "Fuuuuuuuuuck. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Turn around. Ohhhhh Jesus. Fuuuuuuuuuck!"

And just like that, I was nominated for Best Screenplay.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies; Nothing happening yet; What webmasters can teach us; Pirates 2 review
See also: Webmaster Access West, Digital Playground Cash, Flashcash, Stoya

Labels: affiliate, alcohol, ashley steel, Digital Playground, dusty marie, events, flashcash, seminar, serbia, stoya, tony batman

¶ Friday, November 21, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Pirates II premiere: Expensive Joonetang!

Tonight was the long awaited premiere of Digital Playground's Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. I have been told (and I believe) that this movie is the most expensive adult movie ever filmed, and I was honored to have been the only media outlet invited to the event.

"Where is everyone from all the porn blogs and slumming basic cable and webisode shows?" I didn't ask Stoya, who actually plays a harem girl for an Armenian slave trader in the movie.

"I don't know," she didn't say. "I guess they thought you pretty effectively got the word out before."

The virtual media blackout for this eagerly anticipated sequel was uncharacteristic of Digital Playground, which in the past has sent press releases when a boxcover has been decided or when one of its contract performers appears in the Australian version of TV Guide.

But I was happy and, I must say, touched to be the only representative of the porn or mainstream press invited. I guess the idea was that Digital Playground didn't want there to be so much hype that a frank examination of the movie itself would be lost in the press saturation.

It was a pleasure to move through the red carpet unimpeded by cologne-reeking men with goatees, a pleasure to not see AVN and XBiz doing their Sharks and Jets routine trying to out-attitude or outwork the oher, and a huge relief to see no evidence of hastily-applied microphone logos.

"Finally," I said, "the real story can be told."

I could enjoy the rented search lights, the rented pirate impersonators, and the rented dates of VH-1 celebrities without hearing anyone call Riley Steele "Charlotte Stokely."

Directed by reclusive Digital Playground co-founder Joone, Pirates II is a porn movie with staggering scope - for a porn movie. Every sex scene is a workout, every pairing something historic, and every effect very expensive. It is a movie of so many excesses (for porn), that a lot of the smaller triumphs, like Joey Pulgadas' editing and Shay Jordan's loopy, choke-happy performance, might be overwhelmed by the notion of JESSE JANE FUCKS BELLADONNA TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES and FOR SOME REASON SASHA GREY IS IN IT.

There is a lot of humor in Pirates II, most of it supplied by Evan Stone and Steven St. Croix. The rhythm section of Max Massimo's script and Pulgadas' editing makes for a porn movie with sex scenes that often have fun dialogue breaks in them and that also seem to increase in speed. But sometimes Pirates II seems to overwhelm itself; needing some way to narratively justify ten (or more) sex scenes, the movie is very long and often - pardon the term - anticlimactic.

Like the first Pirates, the experience of watching its sequel in a theatre was both fun (people cheered popshots and, unlike the original, tonight's premiere was shown in high definition on a 2K projector and the filmmakers knew from last time where better to place jokes and dialogue so they wouldn't be lost in a big room) and artificial. This generation does not know what it's like to watch a porn movie without fast forwarding, so about a hundred people walked out as the movie progressed; they were just not used to watching a porn movie (especially one that lasted more than two hours) end to end, while limousines with Katsuni in them pulled up in the street.

Lucky there were not throngs of press there to hinder her passage, calling her "Katsumi" and "Charlotte Stokely."

But, as the only media representative there tonight, I am happy to report that there was no one masturbating in the theatre. Not like at the premiere of The Bridges of Madison County.

An actual review of the movie Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge will appear shortly. It will emphasize that, among other things, one of the movie's singular accomplishments is that there were parts in which I felt I could smell it.

See the full Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge gallery here.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: (2007) Digital Playground offers teaser poster of Pirates II; Pirates: "For the love of God let me die"; You yell "Shark"
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: belladonna, Digital Playground, Evan Stone, jesse jane, katsuni, riley steele, sasha grey, shay j, stoya, Tommy Gunn

¶ Saturday, September 27, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Stoya has a pretty mouth or: Deeper in the mouth of Stoya

It is not because Digital Playground is chauffering me and my entourage to the Pirates II premiere as part of its Fellatio on Wheels promotion that I found Stoya's mouth (and its inclusion in the movie Stoya: Deeper 11) so compelling; it's just that I notice a tendency among porn personnel to avoid open-mouthed gapes of joy and instead cling to the habit of sticking their fingers or other body parts in their mouths rather than leave theirs, as Stoya does hers, either open to interpretation or a bouquet of flowers.

Read the review here.

Previously: Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia; Stoya sandwich; FitM: It needs to stop
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: Digital Playground, FitM, reviews, stoya

¶ Wednesday, September 17, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Upstairs/Downstairs with Tatiana Kush and Nicki Hunter (and these dudes)

In a gated community among rolling hills to the west of Porn Valley lies Bell Canyon. Just weeks ago I went to a barbecue down the street from the house in which I now stood watching the near-translucent Tatiana Kush get doubly-penetrated by the international team of Marco Banderas and Tony DeSergio.

I haven't yet reached a point of otherness where I have forgotten what it would be like for the likes of a Tatiana Kush or Nicki Hunter to accompany me to the type of barbecue I attended down the hill. Bloodshot and frumpy women would gaze at the porn starlets sullenly. The menfolk in their blousy Polo shirts would fondle their chin folds. I would be murdered in the driveway. That's how it would be.

But not today. The elegant McMansion belonged to Claudio, a courtly older gentleman whom I first met on the set of a Denis Marti movie a few years ago. The common areas were strewn with muscle and high-end car magazines and Macchiavellian self-help tomes. Near-naked women in bits of porn garb padded barefoot on the low-pile carpeting, munching tidbits from Costco vegetable platters.

The shoot was an as-yet-untitled project for London's Harmony Films, producers of such fare as Slam It In A Slut and the Young Harlots series. I am a big fan of Harmony director Gazzman who hails from Scotland. He and partner Dave West, from Chicago, were shooting stills of the delicious Nicki Hunter downstairs while Kush writhed like a bug on a pin upstairs. Hunter herself would be shooting her first (D)ouble (P)enetration scene in more than 18 months when Kush was through.

"I'm a little nervous," Hunter said. She was diagnosed with lymphoma in late 2006 and now, in remission and looking great, has returned to the adult business slowly, still displaying her full-tilt no-nonsense aggressive style, just not doing it seven days a week.

Hunter, not-dressed in bright yellow lingerie and looking especially vibrant and curvy, always makes me wish I had living World War II veterans in my family, because she looks like the type of girl they'd want to paint on the nose of a plane. But even in the Manila brothels of their whispered war stories they wouldn't be able to imagine the things Hunter can get herself up to.

And yet she was a little nervous.

"I haven't been D.P.'d in almost two years," she said. "It should be pretty interesting."

Try not to kill them, Nicki.

Tatiana Kush is a different story. She is as pale as Stoya and more slight. She is from Portland, OR and is wide-eyed and impish. She looks like she would absolutely destroy her mother's vice-presidential campaign.

"I'm 22," she told me, "and I love it in the ass."

"I'm Gram and I won't take work away from these foreigners," I said.

The foreigners were Tony DeSergio of North London and Marco Banderas from out Barcelona way. Before I met Banderas nearly two years ago, I used to think he was the devil. His teeth are so much whiter than mine. But he is like the Spanish Evan Stone, an unapologetic ham actor guaranteed to have a long career simply because he takes the work just seriously enough.

The scene involved Kush lying on the bed and Banderas and DeSergio emerging from behind some frosted glass to tag-team her.

Q. Grams, these men's penises are centimeters away from each other as they share this girl. Does that get weird for them? Does it make them gay?
A. Etiquette is required when you are one of a pair of double-penetrators or part of a gangbang squad. Touching another dude is inevitable but, as Jack Fountain, gangbang participant and husband of Darryl Hanah, told me, "you're not allowed to get creeped out if another guy brushes against you; it's just when the touching gets vertical that you start moving away." If you think of all porn as an invented scenario, with people doing things in front of a camera and a crowd that (most) people would not do with the lights off in a windowless room and only their One True Love in attendance, then it is understandable to think that one's actual sexual preference is irrelevant in the face of getting the job done. (Plus, these guys are from the European Union. They've got co-ed bidets over there, and people swap wives with the same blase attitude with which they pay $12 for a gallon of gas.)

Gazzman crept forward with his HD camera and halo light. Wherever this scene appears on DVD, Kush will look like a very sexy ghost.

"What SPF do you use?" I asked.

"I don't," she said. "I'm a nerd. I stay inside and play videogames."

(Marriage proposals may be sent to her MySpace page.)

I was embarrassed to have not met Kush before, as she has been in the porn industry for a year, but in a business built of crisp white sheets she is almost invisible.

During breaks in shooting I went downstairs. Poppy Morgan was there to visit. Morgan, the de facto hostess of Porn Week, which Gazzman launched with Dave West, is in L.A. for the summer until her work visa expires in early September, at which point she returns to Manchester, England.

Then the Porn Week crew goes to the Czech Republic where lucky and deep-pocketed vacationers get to interact with porn performers from around the world.

I wondered if Morgan and West could tell me if there was one thing they'd say characterized a European performer.

"I can always tell when a Czech girl is fucking upstairs," Morgan said. "It's mechanical."

"How do you handle that when you have to wrangle girls for a shoot?" I asked.

"Well, I'm just a twat to them," she said.

There does seem to be a difference between Porn Valley performers and the lithe and stern ice princesses of Ukraine and Prague that show up in porn shot by European countries.

"I don't want to say they're robotic..." said West, who just shot former Private contract performer Priva in a scene that he said was "unlike anything you've seen her do before" (i.e. under water).

Upstairs the DP was 23 minutes along. Kush was being passed between Banderas and DeSergio like a towel in a racquetball game.

"Are you nasty?" demanded DeSergio of Kush. I think it was pretty obvious, but we are often reminded that we need to say "I love you" even we think it is obvious.

In America we have the tendency to ascribe class and nobility to anyone with a British Isles accent, so when Gazzman leaned over Banderas and said "Don't cover her nipples," it sounded like an ancient proclamation, like something William Wallace might say.

I had to go. I wished Hunter luck on her historic return to having both nether holes filled simultaneously by carbon-based life forms (I didn't actually say it that way), and was sorry to have not signed up in time. But then, neither had anyone at the barbecue.

See the gallery here.

Previously: Postcard from Porn Week; Pussy Party via the ass; Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia
See also: Tatiana Kush, Marco Banderas, Tony DeSergio, Porn Week, Gazzman

Labels: "nicki hunter", dave west, gazzman, geekery, harmony films, marco banderas, Poppy Morgan, porn week, set visits, stoya, tatiana kush, tony desergio

¶ Tuesday, September 02, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Gabriella Fox: More than a typical whore

It is difficult for me to tell Digital Playground performers apart. Aside from Stoya and Jesse Jane, sometimes I think Shay Jordan is just trying on different wigs and calling herself someone else. I would also not put it past Jesse Jane to employ clever disguises.

So I was eager to get a gander at Gabriella Fox, appearing in Control 9 and Tickle Me Pink's video for its song "Typical."

In the video, Fox spends much of her time crawling toward us under the world's biggest sheet. The lyrics say "You're not any more than a typical whore."

Oddly enough, that was my high school's motto. None of us knew Latin well enough to translate it, so the joke was on us.

Know that Digital Playground handles a difficult situation - the confusability of porn performers - better than anyone. Consider that a recent Gallup Poll revealed that 4 out of 5 dentists answered "Probably" when asked if [insert name] was a Vivid Girl, and expressed indignance that Wicked contract performer Kirsten Price insisted that her name wasn't actually "Kristen."

But one way to make Fox stand out is the creative use of perspective. In Control 9, director Robby D. frames Fox (and performers like Eva Angelina, Lacey Maguire, and Memphis Monroe) in novel ways.

For example, here's Eva Angelina embroiled in the physical act of love. But her face says, "Shit. I lost my keys."

Here, her face is much smaller than her buttocks, as if her face were a minuscule mountain climber and her ass the world's juiciest alp.

Ditto Lacey Maguire. Tiny head!

Everybody likes Tommy Gunn, but this shot is not necessarily the first one porn consumers would choose. Here he appears talking to parts of Memphis Monroe.

Monroe herself doesn't understand it, either.

Fox returns at the end of the movie. Maybe she appears so frustrated because that is a tremendously uncomfortable position. (Either that, or she's Shay Jordan in a wig.)

I want Gabriella Fox to succeed, no matter what size her head is.

Control 9

Previously: Stoya sandwich; Shay Jordan rechristened Shay J
See also: Digital Playground MySpace Page

Labels: Digital Playground, eva angelina, gabriella fox, jesse jane, memphis monroe, stoya

¶ Tuesday, August 05, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post

Monday, July 21, 2008

Thank God it's Friday^TM

I get e-mails from a company called Adult Talent Managers declaring the availability (and for what services) of their clients for adult films. Today, even though it's Monday, the company announced the achedule of a woman named Friday, who will be in town in August, all 4'11" of her.

Friday does all the standard things, like blowjobs, girl/boy scenes, interracial scenes, etc., but she does it while taking up less vertical space. I feel the same way about Aiden Starr, another efficiency model porn performer whose motto should be "Better Highway."

But one can't look at the French Friday without invoking the name of the Intelligent Designer. That is why I have trademarked the ejaculation "Thank God It's Friday" to differentiate her from, say, Kiki D'aire, whose fans greet her with "Oh Jesus Christ."

I think "Thank God It's Friday" is an interesting way to remember both the performer and the actual day of the week, which is why I coined this slogan. I imagine that, long after the performer Friday has retired from her adult career, people might still say "Thank God it's Friday" when arriving to work on Friday morning, and maybe will even greet friends at their local chain watering hole at the end of a tough week with that statement.

Thus will something I invented for a woman who gives blowjobs for money pass into common English usage. That will be my legacy, my friends.

The initials of Adult Talent Managers, like those of Digital Playground, are shorthand for a specialized service often found in porn movies and in the wild. I think a good marketing ploy for both companies would be to offer their "initial" service across their product line, so every scene with Stoya will be a DP and every scene with Friday involves ATM.

Adult Talent Managers is, by the way, the only agency with the marketing savvy to submit its arrivals for this fantastic advertising service I provide, even though this site is read by dozens of people worldwide.

Previously: Sizzling ATM scene with Jenny Hendrix; Godel, Escher, Bree Barrett; Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia
See also: Adult Talent Managers

Labels: aiden starr, atm, Digital Playground, friday, kiki d'aire, new talent, stoya

¶ Monday, July 21, 2008 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia

I like Stoya because she reminds me of an Edward Gorey character with all the working parts Gorey himself wasn't interested in. I also think she has a wonderful face, reminiscent of my Soviet forebears. I have recently begun a Stoya immersion program (it's even better than you think) and talked with her via interweb technology at her home in South Philadelphia.

Gram: Why have you left me?

Stoya: I didn't move to offend you personally. I lived in L.A. for a year a couple of years ago, but I wanted to get back to my friends in Philadelphia. I have locational ADD. If any landlords are watching, I'll probably skip out on you in ten months or so.

Gram: The Man doesn't read this website; only The People.

Stoya is in the two-disc DVD Cheerleaders. In the first disc she hangs by a locker and listens to the other girls talk dirty. In the second disc she reluctantly agrees to cheat on her boyfriend with Brianna Love and Manuel Ferrara.

Gram: There was some dramatic tension in Cheerleaders that you don't normally see in porn movies. You were what the movie became about.

Stoya: Oh, I'd say Jesse Jane was the star. I think you're biased.

Gram: Goddamn right I'm biased. But you knew what Jesse Jane would be up to through the whole movie. You had a character arc.

Stoya: Those girls had big breasts.

Gram: That they did. That also set you apart. You worked with the only other woman (Brianna Love) whose breasts wouldn't put out your eye.

Stoya: I have breasts. They're not humongous but they're fine. They've done fine for me as an adult in her breeding years. But when they sit me next to a girl who's 5'4" and has a couple of Double Ds I feel like a gawky teenager.

Until her wireless signal ran out, Stoya led the computer on a guided tour of her neighborhood.

Gram: Do you eat Philadelphia cheese steaks?

Stoya: No. I'm not in a vegetarian phase right now, but all that meat still makes me sick. I like pierogies. And spinach nuggets.

Gram: What about California? We don't really have pierogies here.

Stoya: Well, I like avocados. In fact, I love avocados.

Gram: I don't suppose you can go to the beach. You look translucent on this Interweb device.

Stoya: I have to cake on a lot of SPF-50. I don't care if I look like a jackass. I just don't want to combust. My mother gave me three rules: As long as you don't chew gum or stick anything in your butt you'll remain a lady. Well, I don't chew gum. Also: Don't use heroin. Check. Finally: Stay out of the sun.

Gram: Prior to becoming Stoya of Digital Playground, what did you do, or has your previous existence been suppressed?

Stoya: I shot for GodsGirls.com and Razordolls.com, and I was a go-go dancer at clubs. It was like getting paid to work out while drunk. It was the best job. (Photo by Nikola Tamindzic)

Gram: What do you drink?

Stoya: Candy drinks and old man drinks. I like pomegranate schnapps. I could drink a whole bottle. And I used to walk into bars and slap my Marlboro Reds down on the bar and ask for whiskey. The bartender would say, "Really, Little Girl? Are you sure you're not an 80-year-old man?"

Gram: Well are you?

Stoya: Fairly sure.

Gram: Because if you were an 80-year-old man, I'd be asking myself some hard questions. Pirates II just wrapped. I would have gone to the set but only a select few were invited.

Stoya: People talk about how massive an undertaking it was, but I was only there for a few days. I did get fisted by Belladonna, however, which was magical and amazing.

Gram: In terms of the big Digital Playground movies that are not about pirates, is there a pattern? What's the next logical step in the sequence that goes from Babysitters to Cheerleaders to ... ?

Stoya: They don't tell me because they don't want me leaking it, because I would. I don't know. Librarians?

Gram: Not that I advocate MySpace (now that I have reached my early 20s I have settled down for a more Facebook sort of life), but is your MySpace blog really yours?

Stoya: At first it wasn't, but now it's all me. Someone was writing it for me. I had to say, "It hurts me to see someone writing with two Ts and eight exclamation points pretending they're me." So I do it now.

Gram: That's greatt!!!!!!!! So, you're staying in Philadelphia between movies?

Stoya: I even got a bus pass here.

Previously: Thomas Aquinas becomes Digital Playground contract saint; Stoya avoids labels; Jenny Hendrix keeps in touch; No Easter for Alix Lakehurst
See also: Stoya, Digital Playground

Labels: alcohol, Apple, belladonna, brianna love, Digital Playground, interviews, jesse jane, manuel ferrara, pennsylvania, stoya, technology

¶ Wednesday, May 21, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thomas Aquinas becomes Digital Playground contract saint

Digital Playground, the award-winning studio and leading provider of world-class content to Aristotelian reasoning, is pleased to announce it has signed an exclusive deal with Thomas Aquinas(TM), making the Doctor Angelicus the studio's newest contract saint to illuminate the prestigious roster.

Aquinas will make his Dominican/Franciscan debut in second quarter 2008. The portly, dark-complected theologian will also star in the upcoming "Summa Theologica II: Summa Summa Theologica," the highly anticipated treatise published by Digital Playground's award-winning Eclesiastical Philosophy division in collaboration with the University of Naples.

"Sounds like 'Nipples,'" joked Pope Urban IV.

Samantha Lewis, Digital Playground CEO comments, "When I initially encountered Aquinas' teachings about the nature of angels I loved that he had such clear cut and defined ideas about their ability to move from point A to point B without passing through anything in between. We strive to make all our contract saints to not appear like they've sustained any damage. Aquinas is simple, a methodical thinker, and has no qualms about all that it takes to make his case before the Second Council of Lyons, where me and Joone hope he will reconcile the Greek and Latin churches and Tera Patrick. I look forward to working very closely with St. Thomas and helping him to grow a prestigious career at Digital Playground along with Sts. Augustine(TM), Ambrose(TM), Jerome(TM), Gregory(TM) and Riley Saint Eele(TM). We welcome Thomas Aquinas as our newest contract saint and look forward to presenting him to the canonical court at Avignon."

Thomas Aquinas(TM) comments, "Digital Playground is the only company that can launch my career almost overnight. Its owners and staff are dedicated to creating saints. I'm impressed that quality and branding are the objective; our goals are the same - to define the Trinity in simple and unconfusing terms, free of the Sophia Santi heresy. This is a dream come true, I am so happy to be Digital Playground's newest theological scholar and to have the opportunity to work with Samantha and Joone on 'Pirates II.'"

Joone, Digital Playground Founder and award-winning director confirms, "A truly unexpected find, Thomas Aquinas(TM) is the total package. He is smart, pious, overflows with self-confidence, and knows that nothing is in the intellect that was not first in the senses, as we ourselves have stated in the series Jack's Big Ass Show. We love that he is fresh, ambitious, and has goals that pertain to international acceptance of Christ and Blu-Ray. We are pleased to have Thomas Aquinas(TM) as our newest contract saint and encourage our fans to have a beatification-off in his honor!"

Added Aquinas(TM), who died in 1274, "I'm wondering how many starlets can dance on the head of my cock."

Previously: Digital Playground's cavalcade of synonyms
See also: Digital Playground announces exclusive deal with Gabriella Fox

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, hype, jesus, riley steele, stoya

¶ Thursday, March 20, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Friday, February 29, 2008

Riley Steele (TM) gives up her pink trademarkhead

Cruel Digital Playground. Do they expect me to just give up my manageable, wholesome crush on Stoya by trotting out the virginal Riley Steele (TM)? Apparently, because not only will Steele (TM) perform her first boy/girl scene in the ever-upcoming Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge, but she has also given up her tender brand identity. You should only do that for someone you love, but it looks mutual.

While the promo pictures do look slightly like those of Jesse Jane (TM), I am assured that they are not the same person. You will also notice that Steele (TM) is so new that only one picture exists of her.

"Riley is the total package and the perfect compliment (sic) to our contract star roster," Digital Playground founder Samantha Lewis said in a statement.

Not to be outdone, Steele (TM) fired back: "Digital Playground is a class act and by far the best."

"Oh you," Digital Playground then said.

"Oh you," Steele (TM) replied.

Then I trademarked the word you (TM). Make those checks payable to Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, Gentle-Kill Abbatoir, and Lobster Hatchery suckers!

Previously: Stoya avoids labels
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, riley steele, stoya

¶ Friday, February 29, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Stoya avoids labels

I took a few hundred pictures at the AVN convention, and also handed my camera around to various lowlifes. I have finally labeled most of the pictures in my gallery, but still need some help. Let me know if you can add names to the faces (and other parts).

(Thanks already to Devanter and Black and Blue Media for some embarrassing but necessary corrections.)

See the gallery here.

Labels: avn, avn08, fotos, stoya, WGL

¶ Sunday, February 10, 2008 2 Comments Links to this post

Friday, February 08, 2008

Backstage at the XBiz Awards: A Night of Heroes

I am not saying that the Porno-Industrial Complex does not deserve to honor itself or that pornfolk do not deserve recognition for their hard work, but I can't shake the feeling that adult awards shows, with their Lifetime Achievement honors and Man of the Year trophies, seem like kids dressing up in their parents' oversized sportcoats and ball gowns and putting on a show in the barn.

"...and watching white guys mack their pimpness to doormen isn't how I want to spend my time," added Blueblood.com editor Amelia G. (seen here with the amiable Forrest Black).

I enjoy adult awards shows. They are charming. But last night's XBiz Awards, last month's AVN Awards, the XRCO Awards and all the various Kucinich-level adult award events are all the same gig albeit in different venues with differing amounts of money behind them. The audience's tenuous attention to its host at the inevitably tardy start rapidly unravels by the 20-minute mark.

By the end, most of the audience has drifted away, the presenters are calling for attention, and the majority of attendees remaining are just in earshot in case their award category is coming up.

How often have you heard Billy Crystal tell the Oscar audience to "Shut the fuck up"? It happens all the time at adult awards shows.

That said, I always have a good time, because I'm hanging around with everyone else in back. As Porn's ambassador to the outside world, however, I imagine the wry and winking, bemused and condescending takes visiting mainstream reporters might have on such events - mostly because I hate competition in the Bemused and Condescending department but also because I have tender feelings for this business.

The XBiz Awards were held at the Hollywood Highlands, a popular nightclub adjacent to the Oscars' Kodak Theatre. XBiz Conference attendees needed only to walk across the street from the Roosevelt Hotel and climb the stairs. Inside were several bars and a large VIP area. I heard there were snacks there, but I left coldcut-free because I kept bumping into people I knew.

One was Veronique Vega, whose new haircut reminds me of a healthy Amy Winehouse that I want to debase and hook on drugs. She is part Puerto Rican and part Tahitian. I wonder if we're related?

Here is intellectual filmmaker DCypher getting into a shot of Halcyon Styn and Ashley Steel. It was the couple's six-month anniversary.

"I am a Buddhist," DCypher said.

People might argue that adult personnel are an army of rebels and free-thinkers who can't sit down and shut up due to their boundless energy and First Amendment patriotism. Those people might have been correct about this as few as ten years ago, but if they're still saying it they're dummies. Now it's nothing more than limited attention span coupled with nothing to pay attention to.

Tommy Gunn and Ashlyn Brooke attended the awards, squabbling over who looked better.

"I have full breasts," Brooke noted. "You lose."

Nina Hartley expertly handled three different gan interactions in our two-minute conversation. Each fan left with a remarkable sense of well-being.

Casey Parker pinned Holly Randall to the unyielding brick. She couldn't do it to me becausae I was holding the camera.

When last we saw Tori Black, she was crawling all over Sindee Jennings in pasties. It was a magical time for us. But I finally got to talk with her with clothes on.

"Glad you have your clothes on this time," the 5'9" Seattle native did not say. She has only been in the business for a few months, she said, but wanted to make clear that, though her scenes might be hardcore, she is still a lady.

"People forget that women are elegant," she said.

Svengali in training James Bartholet proposes something distasteful to Veronica Rayne.

It is very important the world sees more of Ava Rose. I hope she's off tomorrow.

This unintentionally arty photo of Michael Lucas and Titan Media's Keith Webb was one of several camera accidents. I explained to Lucas that his excellent Intern was the only gay movie I have seen (other than Quadrophenia)and he quickly suggested several others. He didn't seem to think I should quit while I was ahead.

I told Stoya I would put a picture of her on my website every day if I could. I think she must be some kind of witch; she doesn't take a bad picture.

"People saw my vagina on your site and started e-mailing me about flashing people in Las Vegas," she said.

"It can't be flashing if you took the picture under the table with my camera while I was away," I said. That wasn't flashing; it was a gesture of love.

Here's shrewd businesswoman Shy Love. Shy Love fans will be happy to know she is even prettier in person.

Pride of Nashua Heather Silk was set to appear in a "Pussy Party" before the shoot was rescheduled. I had never met her before but her dress sort of rides up that way, which I think is a plus. We didn't have time to talk about the Orange Julius at the Pheasant Lane Mall.

Finally, Flower Tucci let me know in no uncertain terms that she's into Satan, too.

"Let's get out of here; you're weird," she said, which in that context was a huge compliment. I doubt she remembers it, but I gave up drinking three days too soon.

As Penthouse's Marc Bell walked to the stage amid awkward clapping and the "Rocky" theme to accept his Man of the Year award, I bumped into a little white guy dressed in a pimp suit.

"Pardon me," I said.

"It's all good, brah," he said.

It was all good. (It would have been better with a drink, though.)

Previously: AVN 2008 Wrap-up: I will never spread my commentary again
See also: XBiz

Labels: ashley steel, Ashlynn Brooke, Ava Rose, awards, casey parker, commentary, events, heather silk, holly randall, michael lucas, nina hartley, stoya, Tommy Gunn, veronique vega, WGL, xbiz

¶ Friday, February 08, 2008 5 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Stoya's phototerrorism or: It's a nice day for a white wedding

Stoya and I happened to be seated next to each other at a timeshare demonstration when I got up to mingle with the other retirees, pay-per-minute millionaires, and fans of Tanya Roberts in the room. During that time, Stoya took this picture with my camera:

I discovered the picture later and did a perfect spit take (but not with my mouth).

"It's shaped differently," Stoya pointed out. "It sort of goes to the side."

"It's smirking at me like Billy Idol. I can't take my eyes (without a face) from it."

If everyone who stole my camera took a picture of her vagina, well, the Fotomat guy probably wouldn't spend so much time fretting about his diabetes. Think what Stoya would have done had I left my Etch A Sketch!

Previously: Jack's POV 9

Labels: Digital Playground, fotos, pop, stoya, WGL

¶ Wednesday, January 09, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Stoya's architecture

Because I am a product of the American South, I begin each New Year with a ham, coleslaw, and blackeyed peas dinner. This means that, around January 3, I am eating ham sandwiches.

I was in a sandwich state of mind when I watched Stoya's first POV movie, but I was also very happy that the ridiculous biographies that accompany Digital Playground acquisitions (Stoya is their new contract girl) seemed out of place with Stoya. It was as if the steveporn princeling had written hers.

Read the review here.

Previously: Seen here last: Today's Domme Stoya
See also: Digital Playground

Labels: minireview, stoya

¶ Thursday, January 03, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Seen Here Last^TM: Today's Domme Stoya

Stoya^TM, Pig-Spanish for the verb To Be, has become Digital Playground's newest contract performer.

"We wanted to cash in on the steveporn craze the emo kids are so concerned with," no one associated with the company said. "We figured: 'It's less work'."

Stoya's assimilation into Digital PlayBorg was announced during last week's Berlin Fair, an annual adult convention. She joins registered trademarks Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, and Sophia Santi, the Katsumi/Katsuni hybrid, and the blissfully unfettered Teagan Presley. No accounting was made for Lacie Heart and Jana Cova in the accompanying press release.

Sources say that one more contract girl is in the offing. Digital Playground announced Katsumi and Lacie Heart within days of each other last December.

Our team of translators worked overtime parsing the press release, which seemed to peg Stoya as some kind of Predator-Next-Door:

Originally from the Carolina's, Stoya is blessed with striking features and a lean, tight body. Completely natural, she stands tall at 5'7" and weighs in at 125 lbs. Her pale skin is accentuated by dark hair and full, pouting lips. With an affliction for pain and suffering, Stoya defines herself only as an android from the future (emphasis added). She loves to make clothes, read good books and play with her cats. Truly unique and intensely passionate, Stoya takes pride in her nudity and general moody perception of the world.

Out of all the things that are kinda weird about this press release, the thing that sticks with me is: what, exactly, is a general moody perception of the world? Does she have an affliction for moodiness? What about her cats? If I were to offend them, would her Cats Sue Me?

Stoya has a lovely face that makes her outfit in this picture seem like a Halloween costume for a woman who ran out of ideas for the party and at the last minute decided to go for Slutty. I hope our operatives can talk with her before she starts adding the "TM" to her autographs, because then it will be too late.

Previously: Oh, And Lacie Heart, too; Katsumi to join Robby D.'s hand; Jesse Jane: Seen here last!; Babysitters
See also: Digital Playground, Rush

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, hype, jana cova, jesse jane, katsuni, shay j, sic, sophia santi, stoya, teagan presley

¶ Thursday, October 18, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post

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