Porn Valley Observed by Gram Ponante

"(Porn Valley Observed is) the smartest and funniest coverage of the adult industry you will read." - About.com

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Debi And Sunset: Value-added moms

Two very similar web series, Demi Delia's "Mommy XXX" and Sunset Thomas' "Sin City Mom" have made their way to tube sites. Both feature aging (but game) porn performers who happen to have two teenage children, and we watch as the moms (jiggle) career and family.

If this sounds familiar, credit Ozzy Osbourne before you credit "Family Business."

The MTV show "The Osbournes" (2002-2005) had a remarkably similar format to that being employed by Delia and Thomas, with two teens (a male and a female) and a long-suffering supporting cast that had to come to terms with the shambling but lovable star still grasping for relevance in a world where he had already become a punchline.

"Mommy XXX," which debuted this month on the Hulu-lite site Crackle, is slickly produced and features cameos by Porn Valley friends Randy Spears (Delia's ex-husband), Tory Lane, and Carly Parker. In one episode, Delia has sex with Spears on set for the first time since their divorce.

To listen to her, Delia still sounds like she's 19, but that is her charm. Many of her porn star friends are not too much older than her kids, whom the series portrays as reluctantly tolerant of her career. Like "The Osbournes," the kids come off as more mature than the parent, but that isn't much comfort. This is apparent in the debut episode, when her children question her intent to get an 11th boob job.

("See? I'm not freakshow," Delia says when she totters, post-op with new funbags, home.)

Reality shows are so scripted and formulaic, and the good-natured celebrity fool & family format so entrenched, that it is no surprise that "Mommy XXX" has company.

Las Vegas-based Sunset Thomas has, if you believe her "final" film "Into the Sunset," retired from porn. But "Porn Star Mom" lets us know that she hasn't retired from being a sexual lady.

If you're like me, you are thinking "Gee, my mom couldn't even cook. But Sunset Thomas is a stripper, porn star, and a prostitute."

"I'm doing so much," Thomas explains, "that I really try to be hands-on with my kids."

Of the two, "Sin City Mom" seems to be trying too hard. It feels over-directed. Here is the unedited press release:

preeminent Porn Star, Sunset Thomas, has launched a web-based reality show titled, Sin City Mom.
Sunset, no stranger to reality programming (having starred in HBO's hit series Cathouse), is thrilled and also aware of her groundbreaking endeavor.
"I decided to expose my personal life to my fans. Most folks only know me as Sunset Thomas - Porn Star, Stripper and Prostitute, but I'm a mom and a wife too."
The Sin City Mom project was started close to 3-years ago, but the social/political climate seemed unwilling or unable to swallow the concept of a sex industry worker being a mother!
"Doors were shut on earlier attempts to launch the project, even though people liked what they saw. Evolution in LA (our production company) decided to go for it. I'm excited. My kids are pumped. I think folks are in for a real treat!"

I'm so glad that the current social/political climate is willing to swallow that her kids are pumped.

I'm going to watch both these shows in the hope that eventually they will merge into one somewhere around Barstow; it seems inevitable they will cross-pollinate.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Latina Hollywood Hookers; Into the Sunset; I will not be the flame or - is Jennie off the cock a cheap trick?
See also: Mommy XXX, Sin City Mom

Labels: carly parker, demi delia, randy spears, reality, sic, sunset thomas, tory lane, websites

¶ Wednesday, June 24, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lisa Ann prepares for The Quickening

A quote in a recent press release made me suspicious that Lisa Ann might be an Immortal, prone to lopping off the heads of her rivals in white-hot parking lot showdowns.

The occasion was Teravision's American MILF 2: Enter the Cougar, in which director Evan Seinfeld/Spyder Jonez says of Lisa Ann, "She is perhaps the ultimate American MILF."

(I believe he tented his fingers when he said this, and was wearing sunglasses inside.)

"The ultimate American MILF": Could it be that there can be only one?

I know what you're thinking: "Grams, if what you're proposing is true, then Lisa Ann might not have been born in Pennsylvania in 1972 but instead might be hundreds of years old, facing the biggest challenge of her life. Will she rise to the challenge or will her head be taken?"

According to the press release, the movie is full of blistering trysts, or blysts, the renewed sexual energy of Lisa Ann who, at 36, appears to have been on the threshold of the nunnery until she lubed herself back up again, informative factoids like "cougars need more meat" and "there is no substitute for sexperience," and Tera Patrick's observation that "Spyder has accurately portrayed the heart of the sexual animal that beats inside of every cougar."

What the hell: you can read the press release for yourself.

( VAN NUYS, CA ) Just when you thought it was safe for young guys to roam the street, Spyder Jonez brings you American MILF 2 Enter the Cougar. These seasoned sexual superstars are back with a vengeance in this highly charged sex comedy from Teravision.

“For the first American MILF we got adult legend Teri Weigel,” adds director Spyder Jonez. “After the huge success we had with that movie we figured we would stack the cast with legendary performers like Julia Ann, Lisa Ann, Shyla LaVeaux and more. One red-hot cougar was fantastic so imagine the absolute sexual mayhem created when five of them get together.”

Lisa Ann takes the lead in American MILF 2. From here smoldering oral opener with Cheyne Collins to her blistering tryst with AVN Performer of the Year James Deen, she proves that she still has plenty left in her tank.

“Lisa Ann is hotter than ever,” states Jonez. “We have captured her renewed sexual energy in this movie and got her hottest scenes ever. She is perhaps the ultimate American MILF.”

Not to be outdone, Julia Ann takes an epic ride in a limo with Sean Michaels. With her engines fully revved she takes an even hotter ride on his massive black pole. Cougars need more meat and Julia gets all she can handle in this smoking interracial romp.

Sexy cougar Raquel Devine is so hot that it takes two young studs to give her what her body craves. Austyn Kincaid and Shyla LaVeux prefer to share the young meat so they double up on Cheyne Collins in another stunning three-way.

Harnessing all of the sexual energy these white-hot cougars have amassed during their careers, Jonez brings Julia Ann, Lisa Ann, Raquel Devine, Shayla LaVeaux and Austyn Kincaid together for a final five-girl lesbian orgy that will blow the doors off.

“We knew we needed something big to close the movie,” Spyder says. “And what better what to cap a movie like this than a big cougar orgy. I have been on set for many all-girl orgies, but there is obviously no substitute for sexperience."

Teravision President Tera Patrick is impressed. "We have all seen MILF and cougar porn before, but nothing like this. Spyder has accurately portrayed the heart of the sexual animal that beats inside of every cougar."

I don't know about you, but on the strength of this press release I'd buy the movie twice.

Watch American MILF 2: Enter the Cougar now
Buy American MILF 2: Enter the Cougar now

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Nailin' Paylin for America; AVN '09 in pictures
See also: Teravision

Labels: cougar, evan seinfeld, geekery, james deen, julia ann, lisa ann, MILF, shayla laveaux, sic, spyder jonez, teravision

¶ Thursday, January 29, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, November 17, 2008

Today in porn disgruntlement: Adam & Eve

I received an e-mail this morning from a person calling himself (I assume it was a he) "Barock Odrama." The letter concerned his grievances with Adam & Eve's production manager, a woman named Meredith Christopher.

I like Christopher. She has always been cool to me. But I get along with everybody.

While the letter was better written than most adult business "open letters," it will fare just as well, which is not at all.

This is because the dirty laundry in letters like this comes as a surprise to no one. The audacity of Mr. Odrama's hope is that he is writing in a world in which the adult industry is not already thought of as corrupt and incompetent.

When I was at AVN (and prior to this) there were several employees who leaked information to the likes of bloggers named Luke Ford and Gene Ross. the bitterati, who, for their own reasons, were only too happy to print it. Later, after AVN information became scarce, disgruntled employees at Hustler did the same thing. Neither episodes of venting to bloggers resulted in anything other than personal embarrassment for the people targeted. And what is personal embarrassment in a business that produced Dirtpipe Milkshakes?

And the power of the printed word? Seriously.

Think of all the people you know should be fired. Can you think of anyone who actually was terminated due to a letter writing campaign? No, they were only fired when they were recorded trying to trade blowjobs for AVN trophies.

Now and then I'll get a phone call from someone who starts to tell me juicy information about a porn performer, director, or executive. I will refer them elsewhere. "Do you expect an apology," I'll ask. "A cash settlement?"

But I'll print this letter, because it provides a backstage look at how adult personalities think. You will see that it is not too different from the way anyone thinks who has been thwarted, somehow, by the system.

But first an exchange from The Departed:

Ellerby: Cui Bono, who benefits?
Colin Sullivan: Cui gives a shit? It's got a freakin' bow on it.

An Open Letter About Adam & Eve

I wanted to comment regarding the latest news about Adam & Eve. For too long, I have sat somewhat quietly in disbelief at how this company continues to achieve constant embarrassment under Adam & Eve's head of production, Meredith Christopher. Instead of being our industry's biggest force with their infinite resources in both the financial and marketing realms, they have instead become a punch line with an ever-growing list of "egg on the face" messes.

Before I even get into this latest "mess," I wanted to bring up previous avoidable mistakes I have been witness to over the years. Under this administration Adam and Eve have had countless issues with the faces of their company, the contract stars. We all know porn girls aren't perfect, but Meredith Christopher could have avoided a lot of the more publicized issues all together or at least taken care of them in house if she understood what was required from someone in her position. For starters she helped drive Carmen Luvana into early retirement; signed a girl (Sophia Lynn) who made national news for instability, drug issues, and saying that what she did made her feel dirty but she needed the money. Meredith Christopher signed another promising star (Ava Rose) who battled both weight and drug issues; did not renew Austyn Moore's contract because she opened up her mouth about their internal problems (Ava did as well); and now Kayden Kross is being brought up on federal charges to add another black spot to the company.

Only Bree Olson has succeeded due to her performances, and the clean sweep she made at all the awards shows last year is due to her work before signing with Adam & Eve. I sincerely hope Meredith Christopher and company do not screw up what is a very promising career for this young star like they have with so many in the past.

The fact of the matter is that over the years anyone who has been under contract with Adam & Eve has been nothing short of disappointed about their time there when all was said and done. Do you think that if Tera, Jesse, or Stormy were under contract there they would be even half the stars they became with their companies?

For their movies, they continue to put out sub-par productions despite spending arguably more money than their peers. Anyone remember the doll that was used as Carmen's "stunt double" in Tail Gunners? What about the top of the guy's head in the middle of the shot in Lady Scarface? (People who have seen it refer to it as the "tumble weed.") What was the last award they won for something they were in direct control of that wasn't "Best Packaging"? Rawhide, over five years ago?

In the past, Meredith Christopher has produced bomb after bomb. There is no quality control with the movies. For example, Eden was a big budget movie to mimic the success of the Island Fever franchise produced by Digital Playground, yet it was publicly said by those involved that it was a disaster from the get-go. Sure it might have sold some copies, but once again, that's in spite of itself. Adam & Eve have a loyal customer base with their catalogs and website; imagine if they made quality movies with quality directors, how much they would sell then?

Meredith Christopher's lack of judgment has not only been apparent in her hires but her non-hires as well. She has passed on quality award winning directors; as well as bankable, professional and high selling talent. Sasha Grey or Eva Angelina ring a bell? If you added the sales and trophies of those passed up by her for what can only be described as personal reasons or preferences, it would make your head spin.

Look, I could spend hours pointing out various other "debacles" under this regime over the years that parallel this latest snafu which was also picked up by the press (i.e. their West Coast office, various other hirings, movies, etc.), but neither time nor space permit. My point is simple; this latest fiasco is nothing short of embarrassing. How could you think that it was even ethically okay for them to work with Eli in this capacity? It would be like them using Paul Thomas, Brad Armstrong, or Robby D. with Vivid, Wicked or Digital Playground's equipment to "produce" a movie for them. She knew Eli was under contract, and the proper thing to do before proceeding on anything involving him would have been to pick up a phone and call SexZ and ask. It's not rocket science. It is basic business acumen and ethics. Now, based on Bob Christian's statements, it seems like nothing short of the old passing of the buck to keep his protégé, Meredith Christopher squeaky clean. And her comments? She claims they're innocent victims? That's nothing short of ridiculous.

The bottom line is that the buck stops at Meredith Christopher as their Director of Production. More negative things have been said about the projects she has overseen than any other person in the same position with any other company in adult. Meredith Christopher has shown by her actions and decisions time and time again that she is not qualified to be in the position that she is in; and it's time they made a change to be the force they should be in this industry. Bob Christian has to have realized this; and if he hasn't or doesn't now, then maybe his time is up there too. Way too many problems have occurred under this administration, and it's time to make a change. Yes you can!

A Concerned Citizen of the United States of Adult,

Barock Odrama

Because the readers of my site are not necessarily the target audience for such an e-mail, I checked around the web (time constraints usually prevent this) and saw the letter posted on the sites of a few usual suspects in the adult blogging community.

Here at the office, we have narrowed down a list of five possible authors, each with his own axe to grind, and one of whom I'll call a wild card, like the Cubs. The place where the writer takes offense most personally, it seems, is in Paragraph 8. Everything else seems like foundation building.

Are the points about the choices (or non-choices) of contract stars and their handling valid? Porn performers are like delightful butterflies - it is always difficult to herd them. What about movie production? Is it possible there is a porn movie that could have all its sex removed and still not be marked as a porn movie - from as far away as space? No. And as far as poaching people under contract elsewhere else, why do you think people use so many names? It happens all the time.

In other words, even if all these charges are true, a letter never changed anything.

I wrote a letter to the gmail address of Mr. Odrama asking for some clarification of his points but have received no response. They're good points, sure, but only if there was some embezzling would any heads roll.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 8th Day; Kayden Kross, jealous boyfriends, and the pitfalls of real estate tycoonery; Tailgunners; Carmen Luvana - the mosaic is the message; Vicky Vette - when boobs are not enough
See also: Adam & Eve

Labels: "stormy daniels", Ava Rose, bree olson, business, conflict, dirty laundry, eva angelina, jesse jane, Kayden Kross, sasha grey, sic, tera patrick

¶ Monday, November 17, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Revisiting the Midnight Prowl: You'll get some leg tonight for sure

Frank Wank is the type of guy you might see as an extra in The Departed, a Can You Believe This Shit? townie who somehow made his way to the minor leagues of porn celebrity.

In Midnight Prowl, a series developed by the anti-Bruce Wayne-like Khan Tusion (pillar of society by day...), Wank takes game women to video stores and other adult establishments to find guys to have sex with. It is like what became of Jack Horner at the end of Boogie Nights, and Wank is comfortable with his own depravity.

He asks Layna Laurel, "So why does a rich baseball player's wife need to be doing some low-ass disgusting porno with some loser creepsters like me and [Dirty Harry]? Do you like all these dirty, rotten, no-good dicks?"

(She says yes, because she's a "nympho.")

They meet an unemployed bass player (Laurel asks him if he knows "Tommy Lee Roth from Van Halen") and bring him and another likely dude back to a hotel room after checking their IDs. They walk past posters for Pirates and other companies' couples' movies, knowing that the type of guy who hangs around reading magazines at adult video stores is not there to bring home Pirates to his timid, trembling girlfriend for a night of tender lovemaking suffused with the glow of sex-positive, female-empowering erotica.

There's something very straightforward about this. No one has any illusions about what is happening, and when Frank asks Laurel to lick his ass, she considers it and charges him an extra hundred bucks. She might be a nympho, but she's not a slut.

I watched the DVD and got one impression, but the same scene advertised on the Midnight Prowl website caters to a different audience, I think:

She Needed Money....We Were There For Here!
Lana Laurel is a hot model-esque whore who needed a little adventure in her banal surburban lifestyle. Her rich husband was fullfilling her sexual desires and so she decided to hit us up for some adventure action. We took her on the Prowl and stopped by our favorite porno shop to pick up some lucky degenerates to fuck this whore. We naturally found two of the most disgusting dudes in the valley and took the merry bunch back to the hotel where we fed this whore to the wolves.

Join now to see Layna fuck these losers !!!

I have nothing against commerce of this kind. I'm just angry that the Midnight Prowl team never rolls up to the post office when I'm buying stamps. Because I'm never in adult video stores - I get these masterpieces for free.

Watch Midnight Prowl 14
Buy Midnight Prowl 14

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: It's hard to be a pornsaint in the city
See also: Midnight Prowl; Anti-Innocence, pro-Puma

Labels: dirty harrry, frank wank, khan tusion, layna laurel, midnight prowl, new porn daily, reality, sic

¶ Wednesday, October 08, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, September 19, 2008

Press release of the week: Miso Ghetto

I am delighted that the porn company DVSX still exists because it has some of the best press releases since the early days of porn luminary Steve Banan.

In the case of their latest offering Miso Ghetto, remember that "ghetto" is in this context an adjective. Also note the choice of font for the word "ghetto" and how its color matches the paint on the lowrider. Smart!

Here in Los Angeles, the lowrider is more closely associated with the barrio than the ghetto and, if you ask me, these ladies don't look particularly ghetto, what with their not toting handguns or being pregnant, but you have to give them credit for kneeling on Crenshaw Blvd. like that.

DVSX Breaks Out the Chopsticks for Miso Ghetto
Chatsworth, CA

DVSX has rolled out a new hardcore Black on Asian line appropriately entitled Miso Ghetto. These Asian girls have big Black cock on their mind and can’t get it out of their heads—they’re horny and beyond ghetto. Miso Ghetto stars Sasha Hollander, who opens the movie naked with sushi on her back, along with Asian-American dolls, Lana Croft, Nyomi Zen, Lena Lang and Taj Malai. Lana Croft literally sizzles and is ready for action in her see-through pink babydoll dress, white bobby socks and stripper heels—while she’s being interviewed before the action’s rolling, the director is having a hard time not having his way with her.

“This movie has some the hottest sex I’ve seen in awhile,” says Vice President of Sales, Michelle Liss. “The title says it all. Fans of beautiful Asian women will definitely enjoy it.”

I was a consultant in the early stages of this press campaign and I admit my efforts were rejected and smoothed over. Here is the original:

Miso Ghetto Pairs Non-Caucasians, Non-Caucasians, Maybe Arabs
Chatsworth, CA

DVSX has rolled out a new hardcore Black on Asian line appropriately entitled Miso Ghetto. "We at DVSX really strive to name our titles appropriately," a spokesperson said, "and you can see that we have here as well. It's important we let you know that we think about our titles before we name them, and tell you in the first paragraph that we think we did it right this time. Good for us."

These Asian girls have big Black cock on their mind and can’t get it out of their minds—I mean it's really in there, you know? In their mind? They’re horny and beyond ghetto. I went to Bryn Mawr so I don't really know what "ghetto" means, but I'm kind of hoping that if I say "beyond ghetto" people will be so complacent as to not question me. If I don't know what ghetto means, how can you know what that area is beyond it? That's my plan.

Miso Ghetto stars Sasha Hollander, who opens the movie naked with sushi on her back, which is good because you wouldn't want rice to get on her shirt, along with Asian-American dolls, Lana Croft, Nyomi Zen, Lena Lang and Taj Malai. Lana Croft literally sizzles and is ready for action in her see-through pink babydoll dress, white bobby socks and stripper heels—while she’s being interviewed before the action’s rolling, the director is having a hard time not having his way with her.

Yes, it's awesome that the director didn't rape her while she was on fire. That's our commitment to quality.

“This movie has some the hottest sex I’ve seen in awhile,” says Vice President of Sales, Michelle Liss, perching her chin on the steeple of her fingers, deep in thought. “The title says it all, even though we're not sure what it means. Irregardless, fans of beautiful Asian women will definitely enjoy it.”

The movie arrives on September 30, just in time to be nominated for AVN's liner notes award.

Previously: Draft Konnie and the Sardo's waitresses
See also: DVSX

Labels: asian, banan, hype, lana croft, sic, verbatim

¶ Friday, September 19, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, September 08, 2008

Karen Duhe's intelligent design

As I rattle into old age (I am 23), I look at porn press releases as an index of what it will be like in my retirement. If the person or movie featured seems both tasty and smart I think, "The world is in good hands." If the press release is poorly written and the person or project it hypes looks like a dumbass not only do I worry about the future but I also reconsider how I make part of my living in the present.

Between you and me, I have met some delightful people with bad press agents who, had I not met them myself, I would have assumed based on their choice of PR hack that they might actually be retarded. Then I have met people whose PR people made them look really compelling when in fact they were, actually, retarded. It's fun.

Anyway, along comes Karen Duhe from Florida. Wholesome! Lithe! Corn-fed! But what are we to make of this lovely model, "discovered" by a photographer named Ron Harris, based on this blurb:

A full time student majoring in Human Development, Duhe, is not only beautiful, but also a voracious scholar. "I love school, I love learning about new things, especially things related to evolution and the creation of life. I'm very interested in studying about Darwin in school, I want to learn the science behind his theories of Evolution," she smiles.

That's a lot to say while one is smiling. The press release does not say this delightful mix of Casey Parker and Richard Leakey is also a ventriloquist.

Who must this Harris be? Luckily, his bio is also included, complete with kudos from someone named High Hefner:

Ron "Eggman" Harris is the visionary artist behind the legendary, sexually implicit Aerobicise series and founder of the first fertility/donor egg website with criteria based purely on beauty. That site, RonsAngels.com made international headlines in broadcast, print and internet news. The man that Playboy Magazine founder, High Hefner called "The King of Erotica" and People Magazine named "The King of Jiggle" is still putting the art in erotica with brand new weekly content for his suite of sites; RonHarris.com, Harris-Archives.com, Harris-Art.com, Sweet18.com and KaraDuhe.com Affiliate programs are available through RonHarrisCash.com and his flagship site, RonHarris.com.

Well I, too, want to learn the science behind Darwin's theory of evolution. Maybe I, Karen Duhe, her press team, and Ron "Eggman" Harris can study on the Galapagos Islands for a year. We'll get there on High Hefner's plane.

Previously: Zeina Heart, unbearded Francophone; Fresh off the articulated bus; Casey Parker and California's pioneers
See also: Ron Harris

Labels: casey parker, karen duhe, new talent, ron harris, sic

¶ Monday, September 08, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, September 05, 2008

Excuse Movie of the Week: Hearts And Minds II

"Beyond courage, beyond honor, we find our hearts and minds."

Thus begins the boxcover copy for New Sensations' sequel to Hearts & Minds, starring Ashlynn Brooke and Tommy Gunn and which looks to be a cross between Blackhawk Down, Coming Home, and Big-Titted Teens.

There is an adult industry term for the type of porno that a guy will get as a ploy to make his partner think he got it by mistake: it is called a couples' movie. The boxcover copy of H&M2 barely lists sex at all, in the same way John McCain did not mention the nation's jobless rate in his RNC acceptance speech.

"During the war, a U.S. Marine squad is dispatched into hostile territory to rescue the survivors of a helicopter crash. This is the story of the brave men and women who fight for our freedom and the loved ones they leave behind. No greater sacrifice can be given than to lay down your life for another. Writer/producer Nic Andrews and director Andre Madness bring you an exhilarating action movie packed with pulse-pounding action, intense sex scenes, and heartfelt drama."

The boxcover goes on:

"To all our military: Thank you for your courage and your sacrifice. Come home safe. Someone who loves you is waiting."

I can imagine the girlfriend coming home to find her boyfriend in mid-stream, and he says, "But Baby: During the war, a U.S. Marine squad is dispatched into hostile territory to rescue the survivors of a helicopter crash! This is the story of the brave men and women who fight for our freedom and the loved ones they leave behind! No greater sacrifice can be given than to lay down your life for another! Writer/producer Nic Andrews and director Andre Madness bring you an exhilarating action movie packed with pulse-pounding action! I didn't even get to the part about the sex!"

He'll have further ammunition when he points out that the movie is "based on actual events."

I cannot wait to watch this movie. I want whoever crafts New Sensations' boxcover copy to write an excuse for why there is a dead hooker in my trunk.

Previously: Poignant anti-alcohol message; Workingman's Gunn; XRCO from the outside in
See also: New Sensations

Labels: Ashlynn Brooke, couples, excuse, new sensations, politics, sic, Tommy Gunn

¶ Friday, September 05, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Friday, August 29, 2008

Vicky Vette: When boobs are not enough

Erotic Scandinavian among erotic Scandinavians Vicky Vette, whose wholesome sauciness evokes the pornstars of the 90's, is in a near dead heat with someone named Tera Patrick over a Best Boobs contest on a site called Booble. At this writing, Vette is ahead.

But there seems to be a Clintonesque backroom campaign designed to snatch that title away from her, Vette thinks, involving the willingness of the adult press, as represented by trade publications AVN and XBiz, to give more press to Patrick, and Patrick's evoking her own (dubious, Vette says) charity work to an appeal for votes.

Me, I'd just be happy to be mamminated.

Having spent time working at adult trade publications, I know that squeaky wheels get the grease, and the squeakiest wheels can get their merest queef printed as a headline article.

I reprint Vette's Open Letter to the Porn Press as an example of how, even (and especially) in the tiny world of porn, boobs don't go as far as you'd like them to.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PORN PRESS & INDUSTRY FROM VICKY VETTE

Who knows, I may be putting a nail in my own coffin, lol… but sometimes the hypocrisy and bs in this business astounds me.

, Vicky Vette release the following statement regarding Tera Patrick's charity pledge. I challenge 'journalists' to print it unedited since I will be putting it up in all the places I frequent in the new real world of adult - the internet. It is going to get read anyway. I know how to get the word out even if you don’t print it.

I preface this statement by saying that charity is a very important part of life. Doing charity is good for the heart and good for the soul. If the porn industry ever wanted to get behind my charity work, they could have taken the time to ask me about it before splashing the pages of the industry magazines with Tera's charity pledge without even giving me a chance to respond. I’ve been doing it for years. I am booked for the AIDS Walk again in Atlanta October 19, 2008 and I could use the press help for the charity’s sake, not to win Booble. Charity work should be done for the right reasons – not just for press.

I believe in actions, not press releases seeking votes when you are in 2nd place with 3 days to go in a competition. Funny how she never mentioned her intentions while she was in the lead? So we have a Tera Patrick/Booble press release with a 'every vote is a vote for charity' message. I ask the porn press who all have my telephone number (which has not changed in 5 years) the following questions:

1. Why did the porn press not ask why the charity in question is promoting a card playing event that is over one year old and the ticket page http://www.babefoundation.com/ticketstopokertourney.html directs you to a dead end? If the charity doesn’t have the funds to update their website, and needs help, maybe we should all get involved?
2. What happened to my press release I sent you over a week ago about being in Booble?
3. What happened to my press release about Nina Hartley joining forces with me with her website NinaHartley.com that you got yesterday?
4. Why was I not given the courtesy of an emailed copy of the 'charity for votes press release' while it was being prepared?
5. Why did AVN and XBiz, publications I have done stories with before, done interviews for, and always tried to help out, run with a story while I was out for an afternoon doing errands? Quote: “Vicky Vette was not available for comment?” Au Contraire! I have nothing but comments! The press release was posted on xbiz and the once-weekly email sent to the subscribers only hours after they sent me the perfunctory email. I wonder when it was actually thought of and drafted? Not available for comments! What a joke - call me – I’ll give you comments! Gee now there won’t be another newsletter email until after the contest is over. Coincidence?
6. Why not run with a story for the benefit of Nina Hartley a true veteran and staunch supporter of the industry and freedom of speech –who is a legend in her own time?

WHY is the question - my answer you will not like. Perhaps getting press for the sake of press - press because second is not good enough.

This competition is not about Tera Patrick, who is incredibly beautiful by the way. Her boobs are awesome and deserve votes. Some in the porn industry just said to me on Monday that it was incredible I was making a resurgence and that he thought I retired from the world of porn. Incredible. Nothing could be further from the truth and I have news for the world of porn. I flourished 'under the radar' and did things some stars don't seem to like to do - get my hands ‘dirty’ interacting with the fans. For two years I spent time on the internet and learning it. I may not have the global fan base of Tera Patrick by virtue of the reach of DVD sales in general, but I developed 'the people’s vote'. I stopped doing 'box cover movies' to be a trendsetter in the business. It does not take rocket science to see that DVD sales and store sales of DVD's are way down. People are going in droves to buy their adult content online and they are interacting in ways that the industry never anticipated and frankly do not like. The first thing today's "stars" do is hire a publicist/assistant to deal with all that 'horrible' mail in their inbox.

Want to know what a Vicky Vette day looks like? Opening email, going through Myspace, Facebook, Yahoo, and social networks, talking to the people who write, and above all else being interactive with as many people as possible - yes grunting it out. Just compare my myspace page http://www.myspace.com/vickyvette to Tera's myspace page. See all the comments from the folks on the page? I may not have as many 'fans', but I have cultivated 'friends'. Welcome to social networking in the 21st century porn industry - you don't like it, but it is here. Ask the fans on Facebook who have had instant message chats with Vicky Vette at 1.00 in the morning.... I chat, I interact, I do my best to respond, and I do it daily and weekly. I am not 'above' doing camshows weekly, week in week out. For what is is worth I may be one of the first 'major' (whatever that means) pornstars to jump the DVD Titanic ship and interact with fans to this extent. The porn industry is fooling itself if it thinks it can keep packaging up pornstars and throwing them on boxcovers. Fans expect more and they should get more. We are not 'stars' - we are lucky to have people buying porn with all the free porn being given away.

So who has been voting for me? Who has been texting their friends http://www.vote4vette.com (my booble vote link) all over the world? It is the fans I speak to and who have been speaking to on a daily basis, the person in Switzerland who instant messages me out of the blue, or the fan in Denmark who send me a note on Myspace saying 'I don't expect a response but....' Don't believe that the internet is working for me? Take a look at the hits on my website..... my site is now going to pass Tera Patrick's site for popularity - not bragging, just a fact. While the porn world was sleeping I was imming, texting, messaging, and bulletining my fans all over the world, one by one, vote by vote. Those are the people who are voting, those are the very people who buy the dvd's that you have been ignoring, those are the people going to the free sites you despise, and the people who are now going in droves to download rather than hang out at the local DVD store.

If you vote for Tera because of her pledge to charity... then so be it. I expected to lose when this started and I expected the all powerful adult press to give the adult superstar a leg up if she needed it. Second would still be awesome. Win or lose, I will be doing what it did before the contest started - hanging with the fans, running my sites, concentrating on the future of adult, and promoting all over the internet, me, and my boobles and one click at a time.

See you all at the AID's walk guys - hope you have the balls to print this word for word. Vicky

I like Ms. Vette, but the next time I misspell AIDS please remind me to challenge my editor to have the balls to print it.

Previously: Porn stars in my past, nipples in the news; Recovering Vette; No Morals!
See also: Vicky Vette

Labels: boobs, business, conflict, philanthropy, sic, tera patrick, trademags, verbatim, vicky vette

¶ Friday, August 29, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Monday, July 28, 2008

Who let the milves out?

What with our recent discussion about linguists, it seems fitting that we revisit the MILF and address how we should collectively refer to her kind.

MILF is an acronym for Mom I'd Like to Fuck, and in porn we have seen that that term has been badly abused, as oftentimes a woman billed as a MILF is neither a mom nor a woman I, Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist, would like to fuck.

MILF has come to be used to denote any sexually aggressive older woman, despite the fact that the word "cougar" already fits that definition.

But today we're not here to talk about whether or not a woman is a MILF, but how we should refer to a group of them.

"MILF" is an acronym, meaning a word that can be pronounced from the initials of other words. Many people erroneously believe that an acronym is just a series of initials, but you have to be able to pronounce the series like a word. So LOL is an acronym where BRB and WTF are not. NASA is an acronym, as are OPEC, WASP, and scuba. In fact, for words like scuba (self-contained underwater breathing apparatus), many of us have long-ago forgotten that the word is an acronym at all.

At this point I'll agree that it's really important this article contains nudity.

So if MILF is an acronym and therefore a word, is its plural MILFs or Milves? In a sentence, would you say, "I would like to shoot a ropey volley across that desperate group of MILFs" or "milves"?

I think the plural should be milves because it is reminiscent of wolves and turves, as in "I would love to roll those milves in the turves where my buddies and I play golves."

That being said, Tyann Mason and Friday are excellent in Hustler's Revenge of the MILFs. At first I was worried that revenge - as good a reason for having sex as any - would not actually be a part of the movie. But each of the milves has vengeance on her mind in this movie, even to the point of Mason seducing a Mormon missionary.

Revenge of the MILFs

Previously: Alternate dialogue for a MILF movie; Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
See also: Hustler

Labels: cougar, friday, MILF, new porn daily, sic, tyann mason

¶ Monday, July 28, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post

Friday, April 18, 2008

Verbatim: marketing your product in porn

Everyone needs marketing (and a car) in California, and porn stars are no different. When an adult performer or product has reached critical mass, it is necessary that a publicist be hired to sell him, her, or it within the porn industry.

You might think that the porn industry needn't be alerted, because no one in the porn industry has the need to buy these products, but having a publicist is a status symbol. You might also say that the press releases quoted below might have to be heavily edited before they are published, but that's not the point, either.

The following press releases arrived this week.

Spears' literate screenplay focuses on the story of Tess and Linda, two sisters (both played by Daniels) whose lives couldn't have taken more divergent paths. Tess is shy and demure, and Linda is a rebellious hellion. Yet while their personalities couldn't be more dissimilar, the worlds they inhabit soon become inexorably linked in a web of madness and murder, and ultimately collide in a shocking, wholly unexpected twist ending. For her part, Daniels enthusiastically describes this intricately designed, carefully shaded dual role as having more dramatic depth than anything she's attempted before as a performer.
Being bathed in the adoration of her devoted fans is nothing new or unusual for HellHouse Media's latest contract star Moxxie Maddron. Being bathed in unrelenting sunshine in a lush tropical climate just might be! Nevertheless, the newest addition to the ever growing empire of HellHouse is willing to brave the weather, however warm and lovely it might be, to make her debut appearance for Genesis Magazine at this year's EXXXOTICA Miami show.
It has been one year since Silver Sinema launched it’s highly successful DVD line. Distributed by (PPM) Pure Play Media, the DVD Line has thus far delivered what it promised.
Eli Cross is directing a very unique show for SexZ Pictures specifically designed for contract star Hillary Scott. Legitimate members of the media only are invited to cover this shoot.
By day Tera will man the Teravision booth and will be joined by AVN “Performer of the Year” Sasha Grey, Charmane Star and other sexy stars of Teravision hits like Broken, Teradise Island 2 and XXXBox. In additions to photos, autographs and meeting thousands of fans, Tera will play hostesses to the weekend’s hottest party.
Melrose Avenue in Hollywood has become famous as the place where movie stars and stylish people shop for the latest trendy fashions. April 20, 2008 is date when porn and fashion collide!

Previously: Jameson further distances herself from adult world via spelling; Free to Bree O or E; Gram saves steveporn's credibility

Labels: hype, sic, verbatim

¶ Friday, April 18, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, March 14, 2008

Jameson further distances herself from adult industry via spelling

"Club Jenna CEO Jay Grdina is enthusiastic about the soon-to-be-released, all-new title from his company, Jenna Loves Diamonds. The movie stars, of course, the biggest adult performer of all time, Jenna Jameson."

It seems trifling to point out that this is not a new movie. It was filmed in 2002. I wouldn't mention this if its press release didn't say that it was a new movie. If it were a new movie, Tito Ortiz would probably be wondering why Jenna Jamesont was on film having sex with her ex husband, Justing Sterling.

Club Jenna has released and will continue to release several Jameson movies posthumous to her career as a performer but, probably respecting her wish to distance herself from the porn world, the movie's website spells both her and her then-husband's name incorrectly.

I thought I knew what "no flaws" and "all new" meant, but I guess I don't. It seems to me that the shrewd effort to mine Jameson's stockpile would carry with it a commitment to quality control. Unless - now bear with me - no effort was made because porn fans are stupid.

That said, it is nice to see Jenna back in "I like porn" mode. A review will follow shortly.

Previously: Jenna Jameson and the future of the porn superstar; Back(draft) to Flashpoint
See also: ClubJenna, Jenna Loves Diamonds

Labels: jenna jameson, sic

¶ Friday, March 14, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Free to Bree O or E

I haven't had this much trouble since Amy Ried.

Adam & Eve contract star Bree Olson, who won her Best New Starlet AVN award as Bree Olson, and has an excellent blog that makes me want to put on a few pounds and install cable on BreeOlson.com, is all over the web as Bree Olsen.

I wanted to let you know that she is not Swedish, but Ukrainian. Let's restore her her second O to go with the two Es, OK?

That said, she shot a scene for Hustler prior to her Adam & Eve contract that was compiled into a movie called Anally Yours.

So if her name isn't Bree Olsen, who forged her signature?

Previously: Bree Olson to Hustler: Please, not on my face; From Carmen to Kayden
See also: Hustler, Adam & Eve, Bree Olson

Labels: "adam and eve", amy ried, bree olson, hustler, sic, WGL

¶ Tuesday, February 12, 2008 2 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Fresh off the Articulated Bus

With my jaw-dropping successes, more and more I find my signature and scintillating style copied and watered down by imitators (mostly in Hungarian factories). That is why I am sensitive to matters of intellectual piracy and have endeavored to distance myself from AVN's long-running "Fresh off the Bus" feature, reasoning that since Porn Valley's Orange Line is a series of articulated vehicles travelling on dedicated busways much more suited to conveying new porn talent to agencies like that owned by Lori Lust, a new title would be more appropriate.

Lori Lust is a performer originally from Michigan whose husband, Craig, writes great press releases about the model agency they own together.

Twenty female models were just added today at www.lorilustagency.com . Craig Stevens stated “there will be another ten more girls added next week, we’re growing like a weed”. But what is amazing is almost every model is new and has never shot before, and many are under 22 years of age.

Amaya Davis, above, "Can easily do the little school girl look," says Craig. Maybe my own experience with Michigan schools is limited to Freaks And Geeks and The Big Chill, but this woman doesn't scream "schoolgirl" to me. Then again, why would I want to get into situations where someone was screaming "schoolgirl" at me?

Cece Sinclaire is my favorite because she seems a little radiated. "She does Anal AND DP!" yells Craig. In general, I find that once someone goes Anal, double penetration is the toaster that comes free with the bank account. But that might just be people I know.

Here's Michelle Mars, 28. "Great body; not one scar or tattoo," says Craig, adding: "Nice boobs."

"Thank you," I said.

Previously: Lust conquers media, Inbox
See also: My AVN "Fresh off the Bus" with Nautica Binx, 2003, Lori Lust

Labels: agency, avn, lori lust, new talent, sic

¶ Thursday, January 24, 2008 3 Comments Links to this post

Monday, November 26, 2007

AVN to announce nominees today, grousing set to begin thereafter

Nominees for the 2008 AVN Awards will be announced today, sources say, with other sources confirming plans for a 45-day stretch of bitching to commence immediately thereafter.

"We usually announce the Awards just before Thanksgiving, then go on vacation so we don't have to listen to the phone calls from irate producers and performers," said an AVN staffer who wished to remain anonymous.

But AVN employees sometimes give out their home phone numbers during less vulnerable times of the year, so they are often subject to bitching during the holiday weekend.

"It's hard to defend your employer's decision to not nominate Gape Fisting Fucktards for an acting category while saying grace over a turkey," the staffer said.

So the 25th annual awards will be announced later today instead.

"I've already got several numbers on speed dial," said one producer. "I plan to start with, 'So this is what a full-page ad gets me?!' and devolve from there. I do this every year."

AVN will announce a multitude of nominees in a multitude of categories, but company president Paul Fishbein noted that "not everyone will be happy."

"You're damn right I'm not happy," said the producer, who expects his Sybian Anime Dwarf series to be nominated in "at least 20" categories, including lesbian, though there are no lesbian scenes in any of the titles.

"I pay money, I expect a lesbian nomination," he stated.

When informed that nominations would be announced later, many AVN employees wished that they would not be announced at all, the staffer said.

"People will complain irregardlessly," he said.

"I AM GOING TO DECRY THE HATERS," stated one male performer on the message board Somebody Fuck Somebody. "IN THEIR GROWING NUMBERS. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS INDUSTRY LONG ENOUGH TO AT LEAST GET A BEST LESBIAN SCENE FOR MY EFFORTS."

Publicist Bill Mullet, who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative condition requiring him to send out no fewer than 50 press releases a week, nevertheless has a plan in place in case his client's film is not nominated.

"If it doesn't get nominated, I will say it is breaking sales records," he said. "If it does get nominated, I will say it is breaking sales records. It is a win/win/win situation."

At least one director is sanguine about the possibility of not being nominated.

"My hart is too big for this buienesss," he said in a prepared statement. "I cannt expektorate to be nomminated by corpirate MSM porn LOL. Thay dont recnize Art or alternativ bodays. The peepul who push things forward are nvr apreshiated in tahyr time."

The 25th AVN Awards will be held January 12 in Las Vegas. I will be co-hosting with Tera Patrick.

Previously: Male Performer of the Year*; Extended XBiz Awards still a fraction of AVN's; Tasteful "Ambition"
See also: AVN Awards, Also-Rannies 2007

Labels: avn, awards, business, sic

¶ Monday, November 26, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Jehovah's Witnesses: Can their literature be avoided?

A clean-cut Dad, walking with his family, approached me the other evening in my neighborhood and handed me a magazine that told me I was going to die.

"Something to read in your spare time?" he said.

Because I'd already torn through my copies of AVN and XBizWorld, I exulted (Acts 2:26) in the joy of having something new to read.

Imagine my hurt when all I saw was intolerance and vitriol (Psalms 31:13)?

I am shocked that people are allowed to roam our neighborhoods and hand out such filth.

Read more after the gap.

Awake!, a magazine for young Jehovah's Witnesses, uses the Bible as source material for an attack on pornography.

The December cover story, "Death: Is It Really the End?" (The answer: sort of) is clearly the money shot article, but the story "How can I avoid pornography?" cites passages in Thessalonians and Genesis decrying fornication and concupiscence, and says that the sin of viewing pornography results in death.

It was dark, so I didn't see the contents of the magazine. The pornography item was listed in small print on the cover. Had it been daylight, I only would have seen the Death article.

These children are going to die because they are looking at pornography. Especially the kid in the middle, because he's pandering. The kid on the right carries the same expression I wear every day. This picture also tells us that the DVD is dead and their dress indicates that what they are viewing is probably not steveporn.

Breathing heavily, I went to my Bible and checked the passages and indeed there were direct references therein to Dirtpipe Milkshakes and Girls Handling Cocks. How did they know?

Even though Awake! ends in an exclamation point, each article's title is a question. In addition to the stories I already mentioned, there is "Why Care for Earth's Environment?" (because), "Is There A Creator?" (yes), and "Why Do We Fear Death?" (because now we'll have to deal with Chico Wang in Hell, too).

In the article, kids stumble onto pornography online or in school, where porn is pasted in lockers and shared on cell phones, even though they understand it to be a "satanic attempt to devalue what Jehovah created to be honorable."

The cult's magazine is fascinating, with dressed-up digs at Catholics, Jews, and Eastern religions, and manufactured quotes worthy of a porn press release.

"It's a big thing at my school," said Denise. "On Monday, conversation seems to be, 'What pictures did you download to your cell over the weekend?'"

Oh, Denise, you should have heard the conversation at my school.

A man named Jeff writes:

"Despite what its proponents may claim, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - positive about pornography. (It) is damaging, it is perverse, and it is demeaning to all parties concerned."

Well you have obviously not seen the uplifting couples' porn of Michael Ninn. But I'm with you; I don't know a single person in this business who is happy with his company's health plan, and that is demeaning.

I hope I don't get disfellowshipped for this, but I am going to try to avoid Jehovah's Witnesses (Mat 24:11).

Previously: Report: Bitches evil; Oh JC's Girls, Book II; Images of heaven (that take me to hell)
See also: The Watchtower, Disfellowshipped

Labels: found, God, jesus, literature, sic

¶ Tuesday, October 30, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Gram saves steveporn's credibility, party follows

Earlier this year I pointed out to my friends at Vivid-steve that Kimberly Kane's upcoming movie, Triple Ecstacy, had one half of its title misspelled.

While I have lately been schooled in the philosophy that all mistakes are part of the rich fabric of experience, and therefore not really mistakes, I suggested the correct spelling at the time, just in case someone not as enlightened as I might happen along to dismiss the steveporn epic as not caring enough about the consumer to make a single pass through the most rudimentary QA.

Anyway, in gratefulness to me and in celebration of the release of the movie, Vivid-steve is holding a Triple Ecstasy party on Halloween night.

"We have an unlimited guest list for this event," Vivid-steve honcho Eon McKai wrote in a spellchecked internal memo. "Please extend an invitation to those interested."

Previously: Porn and spelling; "You're not one of us"; Kimberly Kane in "Triple Ecstacy" (fleshbot)

Labels: "kimberly kane", eon mckai, events, sic, steveporn

¶ Tuesday, October 23, 2007 5 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Seen Here Last^TM: Today's Domme Stoya

Stoya^TM, Pig-Spanish for the verb To Be, has become Digital Playground's newest contract performer.

"We wanted to cash in on the steveporn craze the emo kids are so concerned with," no one associated with the company said. "We figured: 'It's less work'."

Stoya's assimilation into Digital PlayBorg was announced during last week's Berlin Fair, an annual adult convention. She joins registered trademarks Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, and Sophia Santi, the Katsumi/Katsuni hybrid, and the blissfully unfettered Teagan Presley. No accounting was made for Lacie Heart and Jana Cova in the accompanying press release.

Sources say that one more contract girl is in the offing. Digital Playground announced Katsumi and Lacie Heart within days of each other last December.

Our team of translators worked overtime parsing the press release, which seemed to peg Stoya as some kind of Predator-Next-Door:

Originally from the Carolina's, Stoya is blessed with striking features and a lean, tight body. Completely natural, she stands tall at 5'7" and weighs in at 125 lbs. Her pale skin is accentuated by dark hair and full, pouting lips. With an affliction for pain and suffering, Stoya defines herself only as an android from the future (emphasis added). She loves to make clothes, read good books and play with her cats. Truly unique and intensely passionate, Stoya takes pride in her nudity and general moody perception of the world.

Out of all the things that are kinda weird about this press release, the thing that sticks with me is: what, exactly, is a general moody perception of the world? Does she have an affliction for moodiness? What about her cats? If I were to offend them, would her Cats Sue Me?

Stoya has a lovely face that makes her outfit in this picture seem like a Halloween costume for a woman who ran out of ideas for the party and at the last minute decided to go for Slutty. I hope our operatives can talk with her before she starts adding the "TM" to her autographs, because then it will be too late.

Previously: Oh, And Lacie Heart, too; Katsumi to join Robby D.'s hand; Jesse Jane: Seen here last!; Babysitters
See also: Digital Playground, Rush

Labels: "contract girls", Digital Playground, hype, jana cova, jesse jane, katsuni, shay j, sic, sophia santi, stoya, teagan presley

¶ Thursday, October 18, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Not the Bradys: Not the worst

In porn, quality is often a fraction of its hype, and the more hype, the less deserving of it its object is. That is why savvy marketers come to me for my patented Hype:Quality Index. For mere thousands of dollars a month, I will tell public relations shills when to stop with the goddamn press releases already.

Because the hype on a project can negatively affect its perceived quality, a perfectly serviceable porn like Not the Bradys XXX suffered from its own bombastic marketing, making people avoid a movie that wasn't half bad.

And if something isn't half bad, it's more than likely half good!

Damn! I should be writing those press releases!

Read the review here.

Previously: A Small gallery of trucks being used as coitus surfaces in Hustler movies
See also: Porn Director Will Ryder Rides Hot Streak

Labels: bill mullet, hype, reviews, sic

¶ Tuesday, October 16, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, October 12, 2007

"You're not one of us": a steveporn odyssey

Now and then I'll write an unflattering porn review and will be yelled at about it. But the other day I was shrieked at by Eon McKai, who couldn't understand why I suddenly didn't "get" him.

After a few years of generally positive reviews of his work I had abruptly become, by virtue of making several criticisms of his Debbie Loves Dallas, a hater like all the rest of them.

In two phone calls, three text messages, and five e-mails, demonstrating a command of media I wished had extended to his porn flick, the megalomaniacal McKai heaped on abuse and paranoia, and, full of indignance and shitting on everything he saw, banished me from the steveporn realm, population: Eon.

Just remember that this is a guy I have been very nice to in the past, who has hired me for promotional work because I understood his genius.

But don't take my word for it, take Eon's after the gap.

comment on fleshbot post

Gram you don't get it... guess you never did... keep filing flesh bot with MSM's taned over blown bodays..

Fleshbot was once great... now it's just Gram...

doode honlisty... why come on here where my people get info and fill there head with such shit?

you don't know what time it is*
you don't get it
you fill the bot with shit form porns vally
plese go away allready so we can get on with pushing things forward...

I work too hard to get where I am and to push the movment forward to have you going on and on not geting it... on the bot a place where I'm most gotten... till now...

don't hit me up for screeners aney more

-Eon McKai
-*(and Flava Flav)

I had asked for a Debbie screener because Fleshbot wanted me to review it and I haven't been receiving Vivid screeners lately. I mentioned this to McKai when I called him several days before. McKai said he didn't know why I was not on the screener list. He quickly sent me his movie and three others.

In a UPS box the day I reviewed the film, McKai sent me Stood Up, which I had already reviewed, Tristan Taormino's Chemistry 3, and the original and sequel of Paul Thomas' Fade to Black movies, which I'd heard were good, along with Debbie. I watched McKai's movie through lunch.

I noticed several things that other directors might call mistakes, and the directing seemed inconsistent. Some actors acted like they were in a different movie. I Instant-Messaged McKai, and he assured me that everything in the movie was a choice. We then realized we disagreed about how good or bad several performers were. An actress that I thought was good he thought was awful.

So was the inclusion of what the director thought was an awful performance a choice? How does one direct an awful performance? Awfully?

After I had submitted my review of Debbie Loves Dallas to Fleshbot, where I usually post reviews prior to re-running them on my own site, I received a call from McKai, which I missed.

phone message

"I just wanted to say fuck you, Gram...I wanted to let you know that I have moved the 'Vivid-Alt' contest from Fleshbot to another site...I should have figured out when you asked for the movie what you were up to...I broke my fucking back on that movie for you to say I phoned it in...I stand a hundred percent behind every shot in that film and everything was a choice...so fuck off and go away."

- Eon McKai

I wondered if he thought, based on my previous good reviews of his work, that I had suddenly decided to find fault. I wondered if he suspected that every time he'd thought I "got it" before was just a fakeout for the hammer blow of the Debbie review? Notwithstanding, I am going to use "I should have known what you were up to" as often as I can in everyday conversation.

I listened to his message while walking to the subway (yes, there are subways in Los Angeles) but was then interrupted by a call about Brian Surewood. When I got home McKai called again, and this time I picked up. I'll emphasize that I have his number and he has mine.

"Hi Eon," I said.

"I just wanted to say fuck you in person," McKai said.

"OK," I said.

After about 45 seconds of listening to him tell me (I think - it was loud) about modernism vs. post-modernism and how (I think - it was loud) I had reviewed a post-modern movie modernistically, I got in a question edgewise and asked, "Eon, are we going to have a conversation or are you going to shriek at me?"

"I'm going to shriek - " he said, and I said Goodbye and hung up. Sorry, but post-modernism is a rigorous style, not something you invoke to explain your mistakes afterward.

e-mail message

And do us all a favor stop wrighting for fleshbot. So it can be great
sight agen. Also u sugest a pots modern salution to a modern theroy.
Don't touch what u don't know.

You should of skiped revering a movie u so odviuly don't get.

I'm still supper pissed off about this

-Eon McKai

You might notice that McKai does not pay attention to spelling. I am comfortable saying this is a learning disability rather than laziness. But spelling errors abound in various points of the movie. Does spelling matter in porn? Nope, but someone who knows he can't spell but won't bother with a spell-check is the same "doode" who can't be bothered to edit out the background noise.

"Quit flesh bot," McKai texted me after I hung up the phone.

Then, immediately after: "Go away."

I showed these messages around the dinner table. It was remarked that a three-year-old we know recently learned to say "Go away" at pre-school.

Then, a minute later: "You're not one of us."

This was amazing. McKai is in his late 30's. What cool kids' group did he think he was kicking me out of? And what kind of people are in it now? Do they wear little steveporn buttons that read "You're not one of us"?

When I first met McKai he gave me the impression that he was at least ten years younger than he is, in the presentation of certain facts about schooling, etc. He chose not to correct my mistaken assumption of his years. He admitted that he had created a persona, but I didn't know it included lying about his age. He presented an image of a precocious kid in his early 20's, full of ideas. What is forgivable in a person of one age is not in another, like Capri pants.

When the review came out, McKai spent most of the first day calling Fleshbot's editor. Fleshbot.com has given a lot of attention to McKai, and McKai felt it was a betrayal that the site would run such an unfavorable piece about him. This is not the first time I have been told on for having the gall to write what I felt. After this review, my editor got the same series of phone calls from a remarkably similar group of people.

I didn't think Eon McKai's Debbie Loves Dallas was a great movie. While it aspired to interesting things like loopy montages and the incorporation of an original soundtrack, other elements, like screwball comedy, fell flat. I also thought the movie was distractingly self-aware and sloppily directed.

e-mail message

Hi Eon,

I'm sorry my review hurt your feelings. I've certainly liked some of your previous work, and I will admit that when your stuff comes up I have high expectations. I did not want to not like your "Debbie"; it would be much easier if I loved everything, because it is harder to write a bad review.

Yours, Gram

McKai's Girls Lie as well as several sections of Neu Wave Hookers were very impressive. But the best thing I can say about his treatment of Debbie is that he was trying hard at the wrong things.

e-mail message

"Fuck off and go away."

-Eon McKai

I gave McKai a chance to defend his work on the day I reviewed the movie. I get my porn movies free, but I do feel an obligation to consumers who might spend money on a product that isn't up to snuff. When I'd I.M.'d McKai with my concerns about Debbie's quality control he responded with:

"Write what you feel."

So I did.

A day later, his e-mails just kept coming, whether or not I responded. McKai thrives on drama of his own creation.

One way he does this is by contacting the colleagues of people who've hurt him and not-so-subtly suggesting a personnel change. In my case, whether or not Fleshbot actually lost the coveted Vivid-Alt contest, McKai really wanted me to know he'd gone over my head.

e-mail message
now annotated!
sweet... keep felling fleshbot with tan boddys... as it dies slowly
I'll point out that Vivid is in the business of "tan boddys"...like them or not, that is what sells for Vivid-Alt's parent company.
are you trying to make fleshbot.com as crappy as every other run of
the mill porn review sight?
When I say good things about Eon McKai or when I say bad things about Eon McKai?
I should have seen the righting on the wall when vivid pulled you off
the screener list
Yes, but would you have been able to read it?
and when

Tristen said you were fucked
I think that refers to a previous coup attempt, but I can't be sure
with time all is revealed... and time had just revealed your true
hart. You would rater go the the sensation of bashing me on the verry
websight the brought me up...
It truly is amazing how my true hart lay dormant all this time, like the Manchurian Candidate
thats very tabloid of you Gram and I thought you were more than that

but your not
All these mixed messages. "Write what you feel"/"Don't write what you feel."
you fill flesbot with porn valley crap for the most part.
And the company paying your salary is the King of Porn Valley
I would hope you would just have the good cence to walk away from
what you did not understand...
And you might have had the sense to walk toward a Final Cut Pro manual
I'm afrade your more common than we all expected
Here McKai invokes a group of invisibles who are woeful and disappointed in me. I would like to think of them as vengeful Japanese ghosts, a la The Grudge
you don't have my permission to to post anetying I wright to you or
text or aim
Sorry, Dumbass, I didn't ask you to fill my mailbox. I will give you the respect of not correcting your spelling
just stay away from what I do*... thank you
By "do", do you mean your stable job not dependent on sales of your movies?
fuck you have me really pissed off here
I'm just sitting here. I think you've pissed off yourself. Why don't you film it?
I'm wishing I never sent you those screeners
Well, I might not watch Chemistry, but I'm told I'll like Fade to Black
avoid me please
Hold on. Didn't you - Yes, you did* - just say that?
and please tell people girls lie sucks because I don't want someone
like you defending me.
Haven't you listened to a word I've said? Girls Lie is pretty good! It's Debbie Loves Dallas that kinda sucks. It would have been better had Ron Royster directed it.

His last e-mail to me was a link to some kind of RSS aggregator. I couldn't open it, so I e-mailed him back to please resend it. Instead, he wrote:

Its what fleshbot looks like with u removed.

I collected his e-mails and text messages and sent them to Vivid president Steve Hirsch. I had not taken the bait in any of the previous exchanges, but I really felt he would harass me all week and use up his Vivid paycheck on wireless minutes if I didn't tell him to settle down.

e-mail message

Thank you. Now, since you have several times in various media told me to "go away" in the past twelve hours, I'll have to ask you to stop harassing me. You are free, of course, to say whatever you want anywhere you want wherever people can still tolerate you, but do not contact me again.

Yours, Gram

Read the review of Debbie Loves Dallas here.

Previously: Girls Lie review; Neu Wave Hookers review; Eon McKai and the elephant in the room; My Vivid visit

Labels: conflict, eon mckai, interviews, sic, steveporn

¶ Friday, October 12, 2007 28 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Report: Andrew Blake even capitalizes the word "Film" when speaking

Since it is well-known that erectile tissue does not function at its best without a good basis in grammar, it was interesting to see that gauzy eroticist Andrew Blake transcended quotation marks to explain his Importance.

Describing X2, starring Elena "Rivera, who stars in a series of erotic dream-like sequences, (and) showcases not only her true beauty but her ability to mesmerize and visually stimulate all who gaze upon her," Blake said:

“The Film creates a whole new abstract cinema experience for the viewers by mixing erotica with a sensual backdrop of contemporary ambient music.”

Wait a minute, so you're saying that 75 percent of couples' porn over the past 15 years has not been accompanied by a soundtrack of contemporary ambient music?

Blake is an extremely gifted director, but most porn movies should only be advertised with the simple logline: These Woman Will Make Your Peen Straighten. All the rest is overkill.

By the way, if you have any erotica hanging around that you need a sensual backdrop of contemporary ambient music for, click here.

Previously: 20 short films by Andrew Blake
See also: Andrew Blake, View the X2 trailer

Labels: andrew blake, couples, new porn daily, sic

¶ Tuesday, October 02, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Shameless promotion

"The images, text and videos on this site belong exclusively to Digital Playground and are protected under copyright.

By downloading images from this site, you agree to adhere to the following terms:
(1) Digital Playground content may ONLY be used in the promotion and marketing of Digital Playground titles, stars, directors and entities, unless otherwise negotiated and executed in writing. Any other use, publication, reference or commercialization is strictly prohibited.

(2) Photo credit is required on each image in a font that is legible to the naked eye, as follows: When a contract star is pictured, "Image of Jesse Jane (or replace 'Jesse Jane' with the name of pictured contract star) is courtesy of DigitalPlayground.com"
and
When a non-contract star is pictured, "Image from Island Fever 4 (or replace 'Island Fever 4' with name of pictured movie) is courtesy of DigitalPlayground.com

These terms are not negotiable and damages will be sought for any and all copyright infringements."

Er, go buy Contract Star?

Previously: Shane's World made me a dick; Eon McKai and the elephant in the room; Mug shot

Labels: Digital Playground, sic

¶ Tuesday, September 25, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, September 10, 2007

Squirting and self-censorship

I visited the set of Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party prior to my vacation and wrote about it for the adult trade magazine XBiz in a story that will be published next month. Because I am so goddamn good at what I do, I rarely get edited and can generally print whatever I please, including my tangential thoughts on natural childbirth, salmon ladders, and alien autopsies.

Still, I did leave a word out of the first paragraph of my XBiz story because folks get touchy. See if you can determine which one it was in the un-self-expurgated version after the gap.

After awhile, watching a porn movie being shot seems less like an event than a job, and that’s how it should be. After all, this is a legitimate business. But visiting one of Cousin Stevie’s Pussy Partys allows the observer to rediscover the childlike wonder of watching someone squirt all over a rented Encino wall.

Anyway, Sindee Jennings' squirting was the big gun of the day, but I especially liked Annabelle Lee and Lexi Love. If Jennings' aquabatics was Star Wars, then Love and Lee were like the Falkland Islands Conflict; I was assured that nothing would fly out at me and everything was pleasant.

See a gallery here.

Previously: The Famous Vagina of Amber Peach; Squirting and terrrorism; Masturbation and shame
See also: Cousin Stevie, XBiz

Labels: "cousin stevie", annabelle lee, lexi love, pussy party, sic, sindee jennings, squirting, xbiz

¶ Monday, September 10, 2007 4 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Wayne Hentai: Pornslinger

Now that Hillary Clinton has stood up for a vilified profession, the "real Americans" known as Washington lobbyists, I finally have the courage to put in a good word for a class of people that, but for several bad apples who smear the whole profession, are hard-working, bright, and conscientious folk: Porn Valley's publicists.

I speak with the Dean of Adult Industry publicists, Wayne Hentai, after the gap.

Only one of the publicists working in the adult business today has a journalism background. Wayne Hentai, director of Hentai Public Relations of Canoga Park, ran the news desk at the University of Hawaii student newspaper and, following his graduation with a degree in journalism, worked as a stringer for Pacific Business News. After a year in Taiwan employed by an export company, he accepted the newly-created DVD editor position at Adult Video News, a trade publication.

"Business reporting is very good training for an understanding of money, retail, law, technology, and distribution," he said, "which, along with naked ladies, is what the adult industry is all about."

In the mid-1990s, when adult company heads realized that competition and cheap, increased replication had increased to the point that porn no longer sold itself, they took a cue from Hollywood and hired publicists to tell the world, which at that time meant AVN, that their product was better.

Prior to this, company sales reps and the owners themselves acted as publicists, but in the face of an onslaught of comparable content from competitors, Publicist became a job description unto itself.

The publicist's job, at first, was to get articles into AVN. The good publicist's mailing list has increased by one with each media outlet that has appeared to address AVN's deficiencies or to take a run at AVN's dominance.

"Respecting the editor's job is the key to getting your client's stories published on a website or print publication," Hentai said. "If an editor has to rewrite press releases because they don't appear to be in English or if there's no news enclosed, that tends to breed ill will."

Hentai is correct, but bad or not, press releases still get printed. Editors have resorted to creating aliases to hide their shame of printing these things as news stories or have, like AVNOnline and XBiz, created a PR ghetto where press releases languish unedited.

At a recent seminar conducted by XBiz editors in Las Vegas, Hentai's work was singled out as the type of material magazines look for.

"I don't care if we get nine press releases from Wayne a day," Associate Editor Anne Winter said. "We print them because they are relevant and well-written."

And because they are not filled with references to Hentai.

"The most important thing to remember is that the person signing the checks should be the person getting the publicity," Hentai said. "I stand in the background. Writers don't want to write 'Lexington Steele's publicist said'."

Then why do publicists get away with that?

"No comment," Hentai said.

I think because porn is a visual medium that adult companies and the publicists they've hired have not emphasized a command of English as a priority of the job. Instead, a steady stream of newsless "press releases" have issued from companies, and because trade publications nominally need words that will go along with the advertising, these press releases provide excellent filler.

So trade publications and the publicists that fed them created a mutually parasitic relationship that threatened the real news editors tried to print. As in the mainstream world, a story unfavorable to an advertiser was toned down or killed. Eventually editors, who were never the managers of the publications, learned to avoid particularly thorny issues within the industry and instead pointed their anger outside, at external threats to the adult industry, such as the government or annoying copyright law.

Most publicists, then, thrive in an industry ducking for cover under a low ceiling of expectations, hence press releases an eighth grader would be embarrassed to write (or for which would at least get a D).

Hentai is different, and frustrated.

"There's no shame in using a spell-check," he said, "but I wonder when people will start connecting poor press with poor sales?"

I think this a long way off. I recently had a conversation with a porn director who said that he reads the various adult sites every day, hoping his name will be mentioned. I had counseled him that I would not run a press release that was written just for the sake of having a press release out.

"You don't invent a reason to send out a press release," I said.

"But everyone else is sending out press releases," he said, and he meant it, and it's true.

"But they look like idiots," I said, and I meant it, and it's true.

"The adult industry is a bubble," Hentai said, "and the people in the bubble aren't the ones buying adult products. Are you getting all your porn for free?"

"Yes," I sobbed.

"Presss releases need to be written for the people actually buying the product, because they are judged by the same standards as any other press release."

"So 'Good enough for Porn' isn't a business model that works anymore?" I asked.

"Five years ago, maybe," he said.

Hentai currently represents several clients, including Lexington Steele's Mercenary Pictures, American Xcess, Third World Media, Sinsation, and Lethal Hardcore. He works for smaller companies on a case by case basis.

I mentioned my conversation with the director who just wanted to see his name in print.

"Can't you feed someone's vanity and take their money at the same time?" I asked.

"I tell my clients that putting them in the best light sometimes means not writing something every other day," Hentai said. "You need a good balance of actual information to publicity or the project is doomed to collapse under its own hype."

Previously: Iran calls porn performers "Corruptors of the World"; Adult industry to sic itself on bad grammar; Passages; Continuing education credits
See also: Hentai PR

Labels: business, hype, interviews, lexington steele, sic

¶ Tuesday, August 07, 2007 3 Comments Links to this post

Monday, August 06, 2007

Strippers tomorrow, in the past

I hope my own debuted is as auspictaculous.

Previously: Strippers everywhere; Our Gigantic Joggies, ourselves
See also: LA Direct Models, Rouge, Test of English as a Foreign Language, George W. Bush quotes

Labels: LA Direct, sic, strippers

¶ Monday, August 06, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post

Monday, July 23, 2007

Porn stars in my past, nipples in the news

I went to college with a guy named Brian and a woman named Jennifer (as did many of us). One day, Brian came into our dorm's common room, prior to the television being tossed out the window, and said:

"Jen's got nips that are two and a half inches out."

Read more about my confusion at this statement and how it turns out Vicky Vette wasn't in my Economics class, one click away.

In the older porn performer world, few hold a candle to Vicky Vette, who this week announced she has two-and-a-half inch nipples. Unfortunately what Vette calls nipples are actually her areolae, the pigmented areas surrounding her nipples.

Vicky supplies a picture of her areola against a Stanley measuring tape. I hate to school porn stars on aspects of their own anatomies, but Hey, I'm a Latin fan.

Now Havana Ginger - that chick's areolae must be about three feet in diameter.

When I read Vette's claim of such huge nipples I naturally assumed that yet another person from my numerous almae matres had taken up a porn career. Oh well.

Anyway, when Brian came into our common area I thought he was talking about Jennifer's ethnicity, which happened to be Japanese, because why say "nip" when "nipple" is just one syllable more?

I later saw Jennifer's nips myself (after she'd washed Brian off them) and they were totally 2.5" perpendicular to her body. In fact, they were perpendictastic. I measured them with a ruler I'd had since second grade and, with a little work, we got the left one out to 2 and 7/8". I should've taken pictures, but I wasn't that kind of person then.

Anyway, Vicky Vette, her areolae, and every other glorious part of her will be appearing tonight at SexCamCentral and Wednesday with Lisa Sparxxx in a special "Presidential Boob Debate".

Don't worry, Vicky, I'm sure Sen. Sam Brownback couldn't point out an areola, either.

Previously: Recovering Vette; No Morals!
See also: Vicky Vette, The difference between an areola and an aureola

Labels: breasts, cams, havana ginger, MILF, sic, vicky vette, website

¶ Monday, July 23, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Gram Ponante launches iLick

LOS ANGELES -- Hot on the heels of Digital Playground and Playboy announcing that the companies had somehow found a way to transfer pornography to Apple's iPhone (due in stores tomorrow), Gram Ponante said that he will be using the United States Postal Service's self-adhesive stamp technology on his personal and business correspondence.

"Licking stamps is for garlic eaters and reprobates," Ponante scoffed. "I am partnering with the USPS to create a world in which all a user has to do is peel a stamp from some kind of coated backing and then to affix it, saliva-free, on any kind of paper-based enveloping device in order to, like, mail it."

Ponante held Playboy's and Digital Playground's press releases in his hand. "Check these out," he said. "I am mailing these to my Ukrainian mail-order bride because my XBiz mousepad just broke."

Steve Jobs has delivered the hardware and now Hugh Hefner has delivered the software. With the eagerly-anticipated Apple iPhone finally in retail stores, Playboy.com is celebrating the glorious gadget with the launch of “iPlayboy,” a collection of multimedia features guaranteed to turn up the heat on that cool, new phone.

"I think it's great that Hef spent all that time programming and delivering software," Ponante, now guzzling limoncello at a Ventura Blvd. restaurant for fat people, said. "And you would be amazed at how far up Cupertino's ass Digital Playground has got."

Digital Playground is pleased to announce an early alliance to Apple's iPhone with 158 full-length trailers available free of charge, for immediate download.

"This alliance will be every bit as significant and effective as the Rebel Alliance in Star Wars," Ponante sagely predicted, nibbling Porcini mushrooms off the concave abdomen of a starlet hanging around outside the shuttered offices of World Modeling.

America's Beloved Porn Journalist reflected that announcing one could put porn on an iPhone was like sending out a press release saying that you had moved your air freshener from one car to another.

"A Playboy air freshener," Ponante added, flash-frying a whole turkey at a tony Sylmar Superfund site.

Vivid Entertainment sales manager Howard Levine confirmed today that the long-awaited Blu-ray edition of Paul Thomas' Debbie Does Dallas...Again has arrived in house following a series of delays. The disc ships to stores next week. (AVN)

Ponante has been touting iLick technology since last year, and even mounted huge banners proclaiming it at January's AVN show, but he only recently sent away for the self-adhesive stamps. Since he pays all his bills online and rarely sends letters, he is thinking of using the new stamps next week to send a postcard to his mother, Lita Ford.

Previously: Playboy releases Asians clutching at underwear line; Report: porn industry to utilize Internet; Caprica Six gets a ten; Scenes from the classs struggle in Playboy's Penthouse; Who-ray came first?; Digital Playground's cavalcade of synonyms
See also: Playboy, Digital Playground, Vivid, Apple, United States Postal Service

Labels: Apple, Digital Playground, hype, playboy, sic, technology, vivid

¶ Thursday, June 28, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Penthouse gets Bree-sic

I have superimposed some text from the press release hyping Penthouse Digital's Smut Peddler on the official photo, so far. I hope you like the delivery in the face.

Previously: Lori Lust agency explodes, survivor writes press release; Publicist: Honolulu secedes in honor of Thorn homecoming; Adult industry to sic itself on bad grammar
See also: Penthouse

Labels: hype, penthouse, sic

¶ Tuesday, June 26, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Case Study: Porn rumors and how to handle them

I try to get a few independent sources before I print anything I hear as a rumor. That is why I print very few adult industry rumors; it makes for a less titillating site but I comfort myself that at least I can spell "titillating" and I have a huge schlong.

I am on the august "Board of Governors" for the June 9 debut of the Adultcon Awards. That means that I had a part in selecting from a list of pre-nominees the final nominees for awards in various categories. Now that the nominees have been chosen, the dignified American Academy of Adult Arts and Entertainment chooses a winner.

Also on the BoG are my acting partner Roger Pipe from Rog Reviews, someone from AdultDVDEmpire, and someone from Gamelink (the world's largest online retailer of adult films and one of my employers).

Last night I got an e-mail from April Storm, who is Tera Patrick's publicist. April had received an e-mail from Evan Seinfeld, who is Teravision's CEO and, more importantly, Tera's husband. He was angry that Tera didn't get nominated; wasn't April supposed to be on top of that?

Evan knew that Roger Pipe and I were people who regularly covered April's clients, so he mentioned us by name as people who had stiffed his Tera (and not in the good way).

This concerned me, because all I had been told about the Adultcon Awards was that they weren't fixed; that ballots were secret and tamper-proof. Adultcon's CEO, Renaud West, had assured me of this.

If what Seinfeld indicated was correct, West or someone at Adultcon had divulged voting records.

Here's the twist: I had given Tera a high vote in her category for Teradise Island. Why was I being thrown under the bus?

I won't say what anyone else voted, but I did some checking. While I gave Tera high marks, and one other person definitely did, yet another gave her a low mark. If the fourth vote was either very low or otherwise not high, that's how Tera didn't make it in. Wide differences of opinion are felt the strongest in small groups.

The following questions emerged: Did Evan lean on Adultcon to find out the votes? It would be in character for someone like Jaz Hoyt. And did Adultcon then cave in? If so, why would my vote be misrepresented? I'd have no problem with Seinfeld trying to find out voting records; that's how we East Coasters roll. We are from a land of political machines. It's how the Brooklyn Bridge was built and how Harry Truman became president.

But I couldn't stay on the esteemed BoG if my votes were divulged.

So I called and e-mailed Renaud West. He e-mailed me back that, while the BoG members were known to freedom lovers everywhere, their votes were not. He also asked if I got this "BS" from my "good friend April Storm".

I contacted April Storm. If someone had spilled the beans about votes, then someone was lying. How did Evan know about the voting, and why would he have been given the wrong information about mine?

"I have no idea," she said. "That's what confuses me."

She said that she knew of at least one other voter who gave Tera a high vote. It was still possible that Tera wouldn't get nominated if she got two lower marks. Evan, she said, was upset.

I needed to talk with Evan Seinfeld. I had his number somewhere, but I asked April for it. If she didn't give it to me, or if she stalled, that would have been a problem. She might be making up scores to appease her boss. She gave the number to me immediately.

So Seinfeld is a businessman, regardless of the business he's in. It is in his interest to want to know who voted what, even though he shouldn't be given that information; as long as he's not told, it's OK that he asks. I needed to know if he was given the voting tally, because if he had I wouldn't have anything to do with Adultcon.

"Renaud told me who was on the Board of Governors but he didn't tell me the votes," Seinfeld said. "I assumed it was you and Rog (who voted low on Tera)." Seinfeld then explained why he assumed these things.

"There's a lot of bullshit in this business," Seinfeld said. "I don't believe rumors."

So Seinfeld was looking out for Tera. When West found that Tera hadn't been nominated, he called Seinfeld.

"I didn't want to make that call," West said. "If this thing was fixed, wouldn't I fix it for Tera?"

So much trouble can come from irresponsible research and the willingness to believe everything one reads.

In the wake of an incident on a movie set two months ago in which I was assaulted by a performer who said, erroneously, that I'd called him a "fag", the blogger Luke Ford posted a libelous and ill-conceived story on his site, attributing the homophobic words of Ann Coulter (referring to John Edwards), to me.

Ford then wrote that, because of this, I was dumped from several of my writing gigs. He falsely attributed his story to the Associated Press.

I was called by several people, including an LAPD detective, who had read Ford's story, which was at that time not labeled as "satire".

"You told me you hadn't called (the performer/defendant) a fag," the detective said, fuming (it would have meant I'd lied on a police statement).

"No," I said, for the fifth time that day. "It was mostly a fabrication. The story would have been a complete fabrication had he not used actual quotes, but they were someone else's quotes attributed to me."

"Does he do this sort of thing a lot?" I was asked. "It wasn't even funny."

"Yes," I shrugged.

"Why do people still read him?"

"The adult industry has very low self esteem."

When I returned to my office that day there was an e-mail waiting. It was from Adultcon.

"Without going into details and due to certain outside influences, we have decided best to let you go. In light of the curent situation, it is the best way maintain the integrity of the show.

We hope you understand and thank you very musch for your past support."

It turned out that West had read the Luke Ford piece and believed it immediately.

It got resolved, but I am still defending myself against this story. Someone wrote me about it last week. That story has wasted as much time for me as the assault that preceded it.

"Crazy story," AVN president Paul Fishbein said when I mentioned it to him. I also asked him why AVN didn't seem to have any interest in covering physical assaults on porn sets or juicy libel cases. "Ultimately, you know Luke's real colors. Always an agenda and usually not nice."

I'll continue to send Luke Christmas cards.

In the end, I told Seinfeld the vote I gave Tera. It was easier than telling him I gave her a low vote, but I would have done that, too.

I realize that in telling Seinfeld my vote, even in the effort of trying to determine if the Adultcon Awards were easy to sell out (they're not), I made it easier to figure out how the other three entities voted. That was a mistake I won't repeat, but it was for a larger goal.

That's the latest from the rumor mill. In other news, the Kim Kardashian sex tape is still an awful movie.

Previously: InTERActive: choosing the blue pill, yellow bikini; Mooninites descend on Boston; Cleopatra of the Nile wants you to die
See also: Adultcon, Tera Patrick

Labels: "tera patrick", adultcon, awards, business, sic, teravision

¶ Wednesday, May 23, 2007 3 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Kim Kardashian: The Revenge

More from the Oh Shut Up dept.

The following press release is reprinted without edits or comments, save for the one above:

VIVID ENTERTAINMENT TO STOP SELLING KIM KARDASHIAN SEX VIDEO

"It’s not legal, it’s personal," says Vivid Co-Chairman, Steven Hirsch
LOS ANGELES – (May 15, 2007) – Vivid Entertainment Group says it will stop selling a controversial sex video featuring socialite Kim Kardashian to retailers across the country. Starting Thursday, May 31st, the company says it will no longer ship "Kim Kardashian Superstar" DVDs.

Ms. Kardashian made the steamy video three years ago with her then boyfriend, R&B artist Ray J. A suit she brought against Vivid to try block the release of the video was dropped recently after the company reached a financial settlement with her.

"After several conversations with Ms. Kardashian we have decided to stop selling the DVD after May 31st," said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. "We have always believed we have the right to sell the tape, but I’ve made a personal decision to suspend sales."

Ms. Kardashian, daughter of O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian and a close friend of Paris Hilton claimed she had not authorized release of the video, for which Vivid had paid an unidentified third party $1-million. As part of her commitment to drop the suit, Ms. Kardashian agreed to a lump sum financial settlement for the sale of the DVDs

(Well, one more editorial comment: "This time it's personal" was the logline of the similarly awful movie Jaws: The Revenge.)

Previously: Lessons in quitting while ahead; Kim Kardashian, Superstar; Vivid does Kim again; Vivid halt; Wrangling a sex tape

Labels: celebrity, hype, sic, vivid

¶ Tuesday, May 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, April 27, 2007

Lori Lust Agency explodes, survivor writes press release

Lori Lust Agency explodes

The rapidly growing www.LoriLustAgency.com has twelve new hot models that have just been added to her agency site.
Lori Lust even added two girls Michelle Avante and Aziza Diamond back to back that both squirt and also do DP.
Maybe you might want young perfect body blond girls Savanna James and Sabrina Gillig.
They are the true girl next door types that have hardly an adult shoots under their belt.
The Lori Lust Agency wants the adult world to know they have been adding at least one girl a day to their roster and sometimes even two.
Plus many of these girls are new and very fresh to the adult market.
But then legends have been added like Sarah Blake, the perfect body mega bombshell that is making her comeback career after a two year layoff at twenty five.
At the rate the Lori Lust Agency is adding hot new girls companies should take a
look on a daily basis because the models are coming in batches.
Lori also wants the companies to know about her 5200 square foot ten room
agency house that is ready for hourly or daily rates.
The house has twelve pictures on the agency site and even companies like Club Jenna loved shooting at it.
So models if you're looking to get in on a growing agency that gets girls both Adult as well as mainstream jobs then you can email your responses to us.

Previously: Adult industry to sic itself on bad grammar; Lori Lust: Girl wrangler
See also: Lori Lust Agency

Labels: agency, sic

¶ Friday, April 27, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Publicist: Honolulu secedes in honor of Thorn homecoming

Nautica Thorn is heading to her native Hawaii this weekend for appearances at a video store and a strip club. Also, according to her publicist, the city of Honolulu is going to break off from Oahu and become its own island.

They say you can never go home, but Hawaii’s very own Nautica Thorn will return to her native island of Honolulu for an in store appearance at Diamond Head Video and a one night feature dance engagement at Club 939.

Honolulu, then, will become the ninth major island of the chain, supporting itself almost entirely by "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" syndication and the Jack Lord Memorial Poi-Off, as well as Thorn's strip club appearances.

Honolulu has already begun detaching from the Pacific Plate in anticipation of Thorn's arrival.

"My publicist is slower than tectonic uplift," Thorn did not say.

Previously: Nautica to smoke in boys' room; Nautica Thorn is neither Mika Tan nor Mya Luanna
See also: Nautica Thorn

Labels: "nautica thorn", sic, strippers

¶ Thursday, April 26, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post

God, grant me Sasha Grey

Lindsey Lohan celebrated pornographically

Being there: "We Did Porn"

What "Naughty Nannies" finally reveals is better t...

Breasts together, legs apart, with Erika, Erika, E...

"Ten Little Asians 15": Sullen but frank Thai pros...

Seth Dickens and Patient Zero

Apple goes soft-core

Debi And Sunset: Value-added moms

In the red with Vixen Vogel

Follow Me to Hell

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