"Life is old there," Courtney Cummz didn't explain of her return to West Virginia to dance tonight. "Older than the trees."
Cummz headlines tonight at Divas Club in Kearneysville, on a country road between Virginia and Maryland, and also between the Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River.
Tomorrow she will sign autographs at Bunker Hill's Sensual Nights so that all your memories can gather 'round her.
Cummz is an oiled and dangerous Zero Tolerance contract star who loves meeting her fans.
"I am also delighted that the ghost of John Denver has reached from Hell across the centuries to bestow his icy finger of favor on me," she most certainly did not say.
Many times I will go to porn sets and spend hour upon delightful hour listening to the director wax on about his place in cinematic history, watching paint (or other substances) dry, getting physically assaulted by self-fulfilling prophecies, eating Kirkland-brand snacks and, if I'm lucky, experiencing porn.
But Anabolic director Ivan was no-nonsense on the set of Creamplosions 3, starring Michigan's own Audrey Elson and Black Forest Sascha. It was not lost on the assembled group that the shoot was happening 63 years to the day that the U.S.S. Indianapolis was sunk by two Japanese torpedoes, and Audrey Elson was about to have a creampie explode right in her Quint.
A creampie, as you well know, is an internal popshot that comes back out on film. So accustomed are porn audiences to the (statistically) rare-in-real-life external placement of male seed across the breasts, hair, face, and back that the creampie was invented to simulate the loving strivings of real couples, in which the male will ejaculate into his partner, she will let it seep back out, and then she will lick it off the floor, much in the same way George and Martha Washington did in the years before Christ.
Audrey Elson is 5'10" and hails from Detroit where, 30 years after the Indianapolis sank, the sailors of the Edmund Fitzgerald were honored.
In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald. -Gordon Lightfoot, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
The shoot was efficient in that no time was lost exchanging required information.
Elson (to Sascha): Are you rough in your scenes?
Sascha: Whatever you want. Slap your ass?
Elson: Oh, slap that as hard as you want.
Sascha: I was on set yesterday and the girl was like, "Don't kiss me, don't touch my face, don't touch me when the camera isn't rolling."
Ivan: Will you eat your come out of her pussy?
Sascha: I don't think so.
Ivan: What about in the heat of the moment?
Elson: What if you can't think straight?
Sascha: Oh, I'll think straight.
Elson plays chess, is Armenian/Serbian, likes microbrews, the Pistons, and the Tigers, and was the center on her high school's girls' basketball team. But now she doesn't play basketball.
"My knees are fucked," she said.
"Really?" Ivan asked. "Can he fuck your knees?"
"I've done some weird shit in my porn career," she admitted, but no patellaphilia was perpetrated that day.
Almost as soon as the sex started, 45 minutes later it was over - just like in real life! I found myself driving back to Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Luge Course, and Maritime Sailors' Cathedral in the early afternoon. I hardly knew what to do with myself, so I contested parking tickets.
McCain to take the world in love embrace at Sturgis Rally
John McCain, Republican candidate for President, will open up for Kid Rock tonight in Sturgis, South Dakota, as part of its annual motorcycle rally.
"All we represent to them, Man, is somebody needs haircuts," McCain will not tell revelers at the Black Hills two-wheeled debauch-a-thon, not adding, "I like smoke and lightning - heavy metal thunder."
The Senator will participate in the Tribute to American Veterans and Active Duty Servicemen at the Buffalo Chip, a performance venue and campground in Sturgis, prior to ceding the stage to Kid Rock and, later, the semi-finals of the Miss Buffalo Chip Beauty Contest.
Democratic candidate Barack Obama will not be speaking at the Rally, though the values expressed in movies like Easy Rider don't have much room on the McCain platform. It is a risky move either way, and it takes guts to align oneself so publicly with Kid Rock, as I found when we went in on a failed school lunch venture together, Bawitabaloney.
Naturally I would think better of McCain if he began his speech this way:
My fellow Americans, I was coming back from a motorcycle classic in Sturgis, South Dakota, on my motorcycle on U.S. Highway 14. Just outside Spotted Horse, I ran into a deer. I had no chance. Even though the highway people had mowed the sides, they couldn't mow around the culverts, and the doe jumped right in front of the bike. I had a chance to say one word, "Fuck!", and then I hit it. I know this: If a bullet has my name on it, I won't be calling for my mother. But the only reason I'm alive and telling this story, is because of the big FL front end and that solid tire on my Fat Boy. God Bless You and the United States of America.
Pictured with McCain is Miss Sturgis 2008, Rachel Reilly, and the local florist.
Ashlynn Brooke and Tommy Gunn deliver poignant anti-alcohol message
By the 10-minute mark in most AVN award shows, the heady thrill that accompanies the 2-hour wait for the show to start has dwindled considerably. That is why many people don't remember that the band Buckcherry played the AVN show in 2007 on the strength of their 2006 hit "Crazy Bitch."
I use "Crazy Bitch" as the ringtone for someone very special, and many Buckcherry songs speak to other parts of my life, including "Lit Up," "Borderline," and "Porno Star." The L.A.-based band picks up where George Thorogood left off in that they don't just perform songs about drinking.
But they don't completely exclude drinking. The video for their song "Too Drunk To Fuck" follows a chubby, bearded man and his hot girlfriend to a houseparty where Buckcherry is playing (the band has been forced to play smaller venues as has been the fate of any mainstream act that appears at the AVN show). The bearded man drinks too much and cannot perform for his woman, then vomits in what appears to be a Swiss alpenhorn.
Appearing as a tender, lovemaking couple in the video are real-life couple Ashlynn Brooke and Tommy Gunn who, even in keeping all their clothes on, still manage to convince Hot Girlfriend that she can do better than a man who appears to be a porn production assistant who can't hold his liquor.
Brooke and Gunn are friends of the band, who played the AVN show the night Gunn won as Best Male Performer.
"When the fans see us in mainstream projects like this, they tell me it's like they're in a secret club and knowing who we are is the handshake," Brooke said, not adding "drinking is wrong."
Penthouse Pets Lux Kassidy, Melissa Jacobs, and the delightful Heather Vandeven tonight will join a reconstituted and perhaps even artificially resuscitated Motley Crue on "The Late Show with David Letterman" in support of the band's new "Saints of Los Angeles" record, which deals, I am speculating, with that group's recent canonization by Pope Benedict XVI after some children prayed to the band for new teeth and, like, it happened.
That show will be broadcast tonight on your local CBS affiliate. Because I was not sent any pictures of the blessed event, here is an artist's rendering of when Vandeven met a plastic figurine of sepulchral Crue bassist Mick Mars.
Walk (Alix Lakehurst) every day into a shady place
Alix Lakehurst, back from rehab and high on life (who knew she was on drugs?) plays Kim Deal or No Deal for her fans on her website. When asked "Where is my mind?" Lakehurst responded, "Try your pants."
Life after porn: Aylar Lie makes up with Basshunter, herself
The Tehran-born Norwegian model Aylar Lie shot a few videos for Red Light District and other companies in 2002, making her one of the only Persian porn stars in memory. Performing as Diana, Lie was described by the eminent reviewer Roger Pipe as "very pretty" but he also noted that she might have been too aware of it.
"Looking back at the camera is not always good when you do it constantly," he wrote of her appearance in Brand New! Lei herself describes her experience in porn as tragic. Having been taken away from her biological parents at an early age and placed in foster care, Lie was in the U.S. at age 20 to find her biological mother.
"Within a two month period, (I) was plunged into a world dominated by drugs, pornography and abuse," she stated on her website. She returned to her foster family in Norway.
Her porn past came to light when she competed, as Aylar, for the title of Miss Norway in 2004. She was disqualified because of her appearance in movies like Throat Gaggers 3. Within a year of her disqualification from the Miss Norway pageant, she got and then removed breast implants, vowing to relinquish her role as "national tease."
She has since appeared on the Scandinavian version of "Big Brother" as well as magazines like FHM.
Now she plays the reconciled love of Basshunter in the band's "Now You're Gone" video. I hope it works out. Diana in Brand New!
Vivid Plus' has released its heavier women epic Curvaceous.
I went to the digital capture of this movie last August (I won't say "taping," I'd be embarrassed to say "lensing," and it would be inaccurate to say "filming") and there was so much flesh that producers allowed me to take home a to go bag of it.
I was reminded of a great line from "Honey White" by the late, lamented Morphine.
"In the end, Ange Venus brings the whole thing over the line into a sort of, er, lack of redemption," David Aaron Clark said. "When all four of them get together."
"So why didn't you call it 'One Stroke over the Line, Ange Venus'?" I asked.
"I didn't have the resources at the time," he said.
Stoya's phototerrorism or: It's a nice day for a white wedding
Stoya and I happened to be seated next to each other at a timeshare demonstration when I got up to mingle with the other retirees, pay-per-minute millionaires, and fans of Tanya Roberts in the room. During that time, Stoya took this picture with my camera:
I discovered the picture later and did a perfect spit take (but not with my mouth).
"It's shaped differently," Stoya pointed out. "It sort of goes to the side."
"It's smirking at me like Billy Idol. I can't take my eyes (without a face) from it."
If everyone who stole my camera took a picture of her vagina, well, the Fotomat guy probably wouldn't spend so much time fretting about his diabetes. Think what Stoya would have done had I left my Etch A Sketch!
Tera's Christmas Presence, or: Stairway to Evan Seinfeld
Close Personal Friend TM Tera Patrick displays one of several jewel-encrusted Hello Kitty doodads she received from fans for Christmas.
"I even have a Hello Kitty toaster," she said.
Patrick is co-hosting the 25th annual AVN Awards on January 12. I asked her how she was preparing.
"I hike Nichols Canyon early in the morning," she said. "Before breakfast, so it's more of a workout."
"I mean prepare for the AVN show," I said.
Something else happened and we were distracted. Such are my journalistic instincts that I let the conversation wander. Next thing you know, we were talking abut Led Zeppelin.
"Jason (Bonham) invited us over (to England)," she said. "He said, 'I'm playing in my dad's concert.' We met somebody at a restaurant who said he'd paid $90,000 for tickets. We didn't want to tell him we got ours for free."
Tera is up against her husband and manager, Evan Seinfeld, for the "Jenna Jameson Crossover Star of the Year" award, because his pre-porn stardom doesn't count.
"Is there tension at home because you're competing against each other?" I probed.
Earlier in our lives together I told you about Moxxie Maddron and The Instigator, a movie that sounded a bit like the plot of a ZZ Top video. Well, I've finally seen the movie and I can tell you that parts are actually more like a Whitesnake video which, for my money (not that I paid for it), is a better value.
Of further interest is the soundtrack by the band Lynam, who have cleverly (or not so cleverly) claimed to be the children of Stevie Nicks and Ronnie James Dio. Since my real name is Ronnie James Dio, I found this factoid compelling. Turns out it's not true and the band is shocked anyone believed the joke.
Not that this is a story of James Frey or JT LeRoy proportions, but in my defense I offer that the best thing about a band that would allow itself to be photographed air-playing on the back of a flatbed (The Instigator has a Lynam video as a bonus scene!) is that fake backstory. "Of course the rock and roll foster children of Ronnie James Dio and Stevie Nicks would be reduced to this," I thought. At least I can still believe that Avy Lee Roth is DLR's daughter.
Joanna Angel: All the Best Cowboys Play Guitar Hero
I took a bunch of pictures of Joanna Angel at her place in the Valley the other day. It was actually cold out, so she looked more at home.
"I go back to Brooklyn every other month or so," she said, "but I've been out here for two years."
Two years. That is shocking.
Anytime someone from the east coast refers to California it is by "out here". I do the same thing even though I am Oaxacan.
Angel allowed our camera crew to follow her around unfettered for several days, eating her food, swimming in her pool, learning her ways and her language. It was the kind of access one rarely gets unless one provides her with a bagel and coffee.
I'll put up some more photos over the next few weeks, culminating with her birthday on Christmas.
Health care options: Naked nurse with statue of pig
Night Shift Nurses is the longest running hentai series in Japan. "Experiment 1" involves a man who wakes in a research hospital attended by a submissive nurse who will do anything to make him take his medicine. Anything.
While there is humiliation in American porn, no one can do shame like the Japanese, whose pornography requires mutual guilt. When Nurse Yugami discovers her charge with a morning erection, she pleads his forgiveness. Tormented, he demands she show herself to him.
"Now will you forgive me?" she weeps. Then he has a dream with her and the pig statue. It was like the guy who designed Roxy Music's album covers picked up a Pink Floyd gig.
In ZZ Top's 1980's renaissance (not that I was alive then, I've just seen archival footage), the band's videos depicted the trio arriving in dusty towns like the Magi and performing simple acts of transformation on the inhabitants.
"Why were there only one set of footprints, ZZ Top?"
"Because we were carrying you."
Portland's Moxxie Maddron performs this task in American Xcess' The Instigator, in which she travels from town to town, er, bringing sex to people. The movie co-stars Jessica Jaymes and a post-boobjob, pre-million dollar contract Hillary Scott.
See a gallery after the gap.
This pose says, "Oops! I forgot to take off my pants!"
This is an unfortunate picture for Maddron. She appears to have Chi Chi La Rue's face.
Lindsey Meadows. I don't see enough of that Lindsey Meadows.
Evan Seinfeld's new band, The Spyderz, will play the Viper Room and the Key Club, both within staggering distance of each other on the Sunset Strip, Thursday and Friday night, respectively.
Whether you are a fan of Biohazard and Seinfeld's song stylings or if you just want to rub against Tera Patrick's iPhone, join the audience for a band Sinjon St. Swithern described as "like the ghost of Nick Drake driving a tour bus containing Al Stewart, Livingston Taylor, and Devendra Barnhardt into the side of a fucking mountain made of the piled up bodies of the Black Crowes and the Georgia Satellites."
As you are aware, I am an expert on the elements of design. That is why I applaud Mercenary Pictures' new approach to emphasizing performer names on the boxcover of Tina Tyler's Fresh Out the Box 8.
Whereas less daring studios would underline, italicize, or embolden the names of Claudia Downs and Megan Monroe, Mercenary highlights their names in what appears to be ejaculate.
Here are Ryder Skye, Regan Anthony, and Rachel Starr shilling Liquid Ice Energy Drink on KSEXRadio by virtue of being naked near it. Liquid Ice is not a sponsor of this website, simply because there is no safe way to mix it with Jagermeister. "Liquid Ice" employs what rhetoriticians call an oxymoron; it is like saying Solid Gas.
Naturally, if it is a choice between Liquid Ice and Solid Gas in terms of what you want naked girls advertising, I'd pick Liquid Ice every time.
Still, it was tasty on its own. I would probably drink it if I were a truck driver, but my crank recipe is pretty solid.
Notice how when looking from left to right the ladies' smiles get bigger, culminating in Starr's megawatt choppers. This does nothing but prove that our Western style of reading is the balls.
Jesse Jane to ask them to dance, dance with them slow
Jesse Jane will be dancing at Erv's BYO Gentlemen's Club on Airport Rd. in Allentown, PA June 8 and 9. The Digital Playground star and Miss Iron, Coke, Chromium, Steel 2004-2006 will be performing two shows nightly.
"All the promises your teachers gave?" Jane did not say, "If you work hard? If you behave? Well, we're gonna cash it in tonight! I bet you're hung like your graduation on the wall."
Erv's is famous in the Airport Rd. area for its G-String Grille, featuring the Buffalo Chicken Blast, a concoction of Buffalo Chicken and Pepper Jack cheese with bleu cheese dressing and hot sauce, lettuce, tomato, and onion.
"You'll blast in your pants!" no one connected with the venue said.
Jane's Pirates co-star Carmen Luvana danced at Erv's last month to an excited crowd."It's hard to keep a good man down," she did not note, despite the fact that all the coal had been taken from the ground.
Director Rob Rotten today lashed out at JMJ Bullock, who played the flamboyant Monroe on the Ted Knight sitcom "Too Close for Comfort", adult industry Bible AVN reported.
With an article titled "Nevermind the Bullocks", AVN delighted aging porn consumers with a reference to a favorite 20-year-old television show.
"You think you can go to XBiz for this sort of whipsmart reportage?" writer Nelson X didn't quip.
The edgy journal also revealed, in an article titled "Arachnids in the UK", that British porn sensation Taylor Wane would be signing at last January's Adult Entertainment Expo.
A terse XBiz refused to respond to the jab, saying only that Ted Knight would be hosting its Summer Forum.
Speaking of Chelsie Rae and Stanley Kubrick movies, Sin City today releases Rae's directorial debut, I Love Black Dick 3, which is not about Scatman Crothers' character in The Shining, the telepathic cook Dick Hallorann.
Contacted for this story, Hallorann was enthusiastic about the amount of meat in Rae's film.
JM Productions' all-girl The Violation of Chelsie Rae tries manfully to recreate A Clockwork Orange, with Kimberly Kane as Alex.
Director Jim Powers even uses a Stanley Kubrick-style credits sequence and is faithful to several scenes in its source material.
But whereas Alex and the droogs liberate a weepy young devotchka from Billy Boy, Kane and her gang dispatch with the chellovecks and take Chelsie Rae for themselves.
"Life is old there," Courtney Cummz didn't explain of her return to West Virginia to dance tonight. "Older than the trees."
Cummz is an oiled and dangerous Zero Tolerance contract star who loves meeting her fans.
