Since it's only April and the heat is already at record-breaking levels here in Porn Valley, what better way to celebrate the slow roasting of the oceans than to talk with Alaska's own Ava Rose, contract star for Adam & Eve and, if there could be a contract star of the pants, well, there too.
Rose and her sister, Mia, grew up in Sutton, AK, a town of (then) 400 people just up Rt. 1 from Anchorage.
"You spend most of the time preparing for the winter there," she said. "It's a good place to grow up, I realize now, but that's why so many adults commit suicide; they work their asses off to get snowed in."
Ava and Mia left Sutton for Reno in 1996. When Ava began dancing in Reno at the Wild Orchid, she didn't like it.
"I'd make a little money onstage but I couldn't stand to bullshit the guys with the lap dances and steal their money," she said. "It's much easier to spread your legs in porn.
"Porn's pretty easy," she said, "if you're clever about things and you know when to say no."
Rose worked for Naughty America, Metro, and Lethal Hardcore before she signed her Adam & Eve contract. Sometimes she would be cast with her sister, but Mia took more gonzo roles and Ava became Adam & Eve's lone brunette. She has appeared in that company's Carolina Jones, Dark City, and just wrapped Roller Dollz.
I asked what she thinks about the term "mainstream" as it applies to porn.
"Every time a porn star is in a movie she plays a stripper or a prostitute," she said. "I like staying where I am. People seem to always want a way into porn or a way out of it. When porn tries to look mainstream, it just ends up looking like Ultimate Porno."
Having a contract allows Rose a lot of time to read. She lives in Hollywood north of Sunset, and her bookcase is filled with true crime novels.
I asked if she read them for pointers.
"If someone offered me a million dollars to brutally murder someone else," she said. "I couldn't do it. But I like reading about it."
What is dating like?
"I don't date exclusively," she said. "It might not be the time in my life for it. It's also a little dangerous emotionally. I mean, open relationships are hard but finding out a lie is harder. Hardly ever do people not cheat."
What do you mean?
"I can't stand jealousy and obsession."
Do people get obsessed with you?
"Sometimes. That kind of insecurity is unattractive. But I'm still young and working things out. One thing's for sure: when you plan for a threesome it never fucking goes right."
Rose is 22. She gets a monthly check from Adam & Eve, a company that probably pays the highest of the major adult studios. Without makeup and wearing sweats, Rose is indistinguishable from any other young actress in her neighborhood, aside from the fact that she's working.
I asked if it was necessary to have an exit strategy from porn.
"I'd like to stay in L.A. and study Criminal Psychology," she said.
And what about relationships after Porn?
"I smoke a lot of cigarettes so I don't know how I'll age," she said. "But I think someone will like me and my loose asshole when I'm done."
Now and then a recording artist comes along who single(handed)ly captures the zeitgeist. Such is the case with Fogelfoot, whose "I Jerked Off Instead" is probably the most important song of the 21st century.
The Leading Lady of the Lubed Labe is leaving to pursue perfumery. To my knowledge, no one has talked about her new career choice, focusing only on Ms. Jameson's method of jettisoning the old one. Here's the shtick I'll use when I cross the picket line and talk about Porn Valley on Leno:
Directions for Use
1. Apply across breasts, in eye, in hair, on small of back. If taken vaginally, squeeze out slowly into champagne cup and share with Kami Andrews. 2. Spray, take nap, eat meal, wait six hours, spray again. 3. If sprayed in mouth, spit. If sprayed in mouth and no camera is present and if married, swallow.
Q. Is that the perfume that makes you come on your Wheaties? A. No, that's Bruce Jenna.
Top Ten Alternate Titles for the Jenna Jameson Fragrance
This week's podcast presents sexuality in a fun, dignified, and beautiful way. Oh wait.
This week's podcast expertly breaks down the AVN nominations, thoughtfully examines masturbation trends among the holy, and gives birthday shoutouts to Herschel Savage, Brooke Haven, Ed Powers, and myself.
This week's Porner's Almanac deals with the Midwest's recent decision on 2257 statutes as well as what I think is a fine piece oof improvisational acting between Otto Bauer and Dana DeArmond.
I also talk about teens and the adults who portray them in porn films.
This week's podcast title sounds like an 80's buddy crime show.
He's a genius ex-cop with muscular dystrophy and a secret (other than the muscular dystrophy, which is pretty obvious); she's a hooker with a heart of gold and a plate in her head. Together they solve crimes from their laundromat in sleepy Bogue Chitto, where everyone is just a little bit "retarded"! Starring Ben Vereen and Delta Burke. Larry Storch as Gumball.
You might not appreciate the tremendous learning curve this podcast represents. There's turning the computer on. There's saying stuff into it. I should get a MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant.
This week I employ T. Rex technology in talking about squirting.
This week's Porner's Almanac podcast concerns the sleight-of-boob antics of Jenna Jameson and Mattel's selective persecution of China Barbie.
The delightful Joanna Cachapero of XBiz wrote an article about last week's podcast launch and I entertained the notion of taking myself seriously, like everyone else who hires a secretary in this business and sends out a press release about it.
So I gamely provided a porn star boilerplate response.
Read it after the gap.
“The podcast has been up for two hours on iTunes and the offers are already rolling in. I've been working all the time. I've got the affiliate program set up and my boyfriend's building my website,” Ponante said, with his tongue planted firmly in his cheek.
“I'm taking a meeting with Derek and P.T.’s writing a movie for me. I'm going to set up a fan portal and funnel an ad server through it. I’m living the dream. It’ll be bigger than Bad Seed. I’m hosting a party at Privilege. I’m sending out my own press releases. I've just signed several contract stars to million-dollar podcast deals. The harem has never been happier,” he said.
No, I'm not gay. How do I know? Because your suggesting I'm gay doesn't make me want to beat you up.
After anything is written about me in a publication that is not AVN, I can be assured of receiving a venomous little chestnut from someone at AVN. The other day I got this, with the subject heading "Prairie Homo Companion" and which quoted another part of the article:
Good luck with your PODCAST, Gram “One Too Many I-Knows” Potato!
Asked if he feels like most adult aficionados are familiar with Keillor, Ponante responded with his usual witty prose.
“I know that when I leave work at 7 p.m. and drive home while being serviced by some hot prostie I've installed by the floorboards of my Putty H3, I know I'm listening to Garrison Keillor,” he said. “I can't imagine that other porn consumers aren't exactly the same way.”
As I invented the podcast art form in 1984 I thought it was high time I cashed in on it.
Inspired by Garrison Keillor's earnest, thoughtful, and affected The Writer's Almanac, I put together a weekly digest of porn birthdays, musings, and some of the most trenchant dialogue gleaned from today's porn films. I'll stick with it until I get sick of it.
Since it's only April and the heat is already at record-breaking levels here in Porn Valley, what better way to celebrate the slow roasting of the oceans than to talk with Alaska's own Ava Rose, contract star for Adam & Eve and, if there could be a contract star of the pants, well, there too.
Rose worked for Naughty America, Metro, and Lethal Hardcore before she signed her Adam & Eve contract. Sometimes she would be cast with her sister, but Mia took more gonzo roles and Ava became Adam & Eve's lone brunette. She has appeared in that company's Carolina Jones, Dark City, and just wrapped Roller Dollz.
"I don't date exclusively," she said. "It might not be the time in my life for it. It's also a little dangerous emotionally. I mean, open relationships are hard but finding out a lie is harder. Hardly ever do people not cheat."
