| --Friday, July 25, 2008--
Sassy gets gassy
 While I don't usually cover Las Vegas filling station events, not only is the opportunity to write the headline Sassy Gets Gassy too hard to resist, but you'll also remember my strong commitment to finding you the lowest gas prices, even if you have to drive to Las Vegas in July to get them.
Radio personality Sassy Tease, host of Las Vegas' "Sex with Sassy" program, will be at the Speedee Mart on the corner of Swenson and Flamingo Saturday, July 26, from 11 to 3.
"Sassy will host this fun filled event and there will be other fun activities such as a "Sexy Car Wash" Contests, Gas Giveaways & more! A percentage of the proceeds from merchandise purchase from Sassy and the car wash will benefit Opportunity Village a Local Las Vegas Non-Profit Organization.
During the event Speed Mart will lower their gas prices and have the best gas prices in Las Vegas. They will also have drink specials, 25 Cents Hot Dogs and other specials. Monster will be there to give out product samples and Sassy will say hello and sign autographs, store guests, new and existing fans." So not only will Sassy sign autographs, but she will also sign store guests and existing fans.
I don't know why I got this press release. But sometimes bad press releases inspire me in the way that good ones do not, so it was as if the Intelligent Designer sent this to me Itself, because I then had the strength to find this online review of Speedee Mart from a diabetic disabled woman:
"An employee named Amanda (23-years old, obese, White) is rude to customers. On 5-24-08 Amanda was rude to me, a regular customer (over 50 and permanently wheelchair-bound), and so I left my purchases on the counter and started to leave without paying for them. Then Amanda told me that I was 86-ed. When I returned to explain why, she reitereated that I was 86-ed permanently. Yes, I threw a bit of a tantrum and told her that if she was going to 86 me permanently, then she could have the fountain drink that I didn't purchase and shoved it off her side of the counter.
In addition, this Speedee Mart is often out of hazelnut coffee." A former exotic dancer, Sassy Tease once sang with a member of the Platters. Let us hope that she can bring her star wattage to bear on the terrible hazelnut coffee scarcity they've got in Vegas.
In other news, I will be at the Dunkin Donuts on the corner of Hagler and Despair in Brockton, MA any given week night.
NOTE: Sssy Tease.com seems to have been hacked by steveporn kids.
Previously: Summer Haze wrestles for the dead; Al Goldstein running for president
See also: A street view of Swenson and Flamingo, with a guy there, too, Sex with SassyLabels: gas, hype, las vegas, non-events, steveporn
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, March 29, 2007--
Al Goldstein: Excellent campaign website for a homeless guy
 Screw magazine founder Al Goldstein has announced his candidacy for President in 2008. Currently, he is both the only Jew and the only pornographer running.
It is tempting to call Goldstein a joke candidate (well, it's tempting because he is a joke candidate); he hasn't filed with the Federal Elections Commission. But in Goldstein's declaration that he is not a joke candidate I'm reminded of when George W. Bush defended himself against detractors by saying, "I am a legitimate candidate."
Goldstein's website, candidacy, and cigarette money are all provided by Booble as a marketing ploy, but his site is actually pretty good compared with some of those of his non-competition. It says something (but what?) about the pool of candidates that a publicity stunt website is better than many paid for by the Presidential hopefuls. Look at Tommy Thompson's, for example.
Goldstein shares his views on gay marriage ("everyone should suffer") and the war in Iraq ("I'm against all wars"), but it is in a blog entry about strippers that makes Goldstein seem, if not a presidential candidate, then a likely contender for an AVN Insider column:
Men are predictable and can be played like an accordion and the women are great actresses. The guys get stroked and feel special and the woman makes money, which she probably gives to her longhaired hippie boyfriend. I am bored out of my mind but the food is wonderful. You might think Goldstein is the only person declaring a joke candidacy from the porn world, but Doug Stanhope, 2003 host of the AVN Awards, is also "running".
Goldstein will need a running mate who can court the South. It might as well be Seka.
Previously: I, Goldstein - Me, I just vomit; Mary Carey: Do cameras make us stupid?
See also: Presidential candidates, Goldstein '08Labels: hype, non-events
posted by Gram the Man
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--Saturday, March 24, 2007--
Lessons in quitting while ahead
 This image is the sexiest one in the entirety of the Kim Kardashian video, and it occurs about 30 seconds in.
The dust is still settling on who made what amount of money from whom, but one can't help but think of another Vivid star, Sunny Leone.
I have been watching the "Debbie Does Dallas...Again" series on Showtime. It has the honor of being 25 percent of the shows I tape, along with "Family Guy", "Teletubbies", and "Battlestar Galactica".
Typical of reality shows, "Debbie" is elaborately staged and the individuals involved take on hyper-real character traits. A central conflict is that "Sunny can't play Debbie because she won't do guys."
Kardashian won't make a good Vivid Girl because she hardly does anything.
I do hope she got some money, though; all this useless hype should at least teach someone a lesson.
Read the review here.
Previously: Vivid does Kim...again; Wrangling a sex tape; Is the feature dead?
See also: VividLabels: dvd, hype, non-events, vivid
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, February 26, 2007--
Vivid-halt
 Vivid has announced it is delaying (or stopping altogether) the release of the Kim Kardashian sex tape, scheduled to be available this Wednesday.
Vivid co-founder Steven Hirsch has always allowed a little wiggle room in press releases about the rights Vivid secured for the DVD (for an alleged $1 million), saying, "We remain very confident that we have the legal right to distribute this video."
The sale of the tape was arranged through a third party and, though it is reasonable to assume that at one point Kardashian signed a release (thus Hirsch's confidence), it is equally reasonable to assume that Vivid recently received a cease and desist letter. Calls to Vivid were not immediately returned.
"We feel it is most important that we have an opportunity to meet with Ms. Kardashian as soon as possible," Hirsch said today. "We have reached out to her to try to set up a meeting.”
Such a meeting, I think, would require a very good lunch.
Previously: Wrangling a sex tape; SugarDVD enters friend of celebrity sex tape market; Images of heaven (that take me to Hell)
See also: VividLabels: celebrities, hype, non-events, vivid
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, February 21, 2007--
Summer Haze wrestles for the dead, lost causes
 Like a gang-banging St. Jude, Summer Haze for some reason will inscribe the names of "fallen stars from the family of X" into her Ladies X-Rated Wrestling Champion belt, presented recently at the Coastal Championship Wrestling smackdown in a high school gym in Cool Springs, Florida.
Haze's publicist writes:
Summer has been working hard for this and wants this belt to symbolize the people who have worked hard in the adult business in the past and present to make us the respected people we are today. So in Denver on February 23rd, Summers Belt will carry the names of fallen stars from the family of X in a special ceremony. Every few months, new members will be inducted until the belt is full. Not only will her belt symbolize the hard work and determination of the person wearing it, but the people who have fought to help us to get where we are today.
I can think of no better tribute to our nation's departed porn stars than to have their names on a wrestling belt wrapped snugly around Summer Haze.
According to the Coastal Championship Wrestling website, Ms. Haze is an executive assistant. The accompanying photos of the "Valentine Vengeance" event did not depict Haze actually wrestling to get the belt. Haze realizes that if wrestling is fake, why not just have a belt printed up rather than going through the motions?
I feel (w)restless and irritated with the You Just Don't Know How Stupid This Makes You Look aspect of porn today, particularly after also receiving an e-mail titled "Britney Rears to Shave Head Bald?" - but I'll get over it.
Starting an awards show always makes me feel better.
Previously: Summer Haze spreads boobs around; Canada finally validates Gram
See also: Coastal Championship Wrestling, Fallen Stars of XLabels: awards, hype, just wrong, non-events
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, February 15, 2007--
Images of heaven (that take me to Hell)
 As you know, the devil and me don't get along. Still, in a story reminiscent of Kim Kardashian being shocked that porn is going on here, several porn performers and crew members walked off a set in which a model of Jesus Christ's head was to be ejaculated upon and then smashed.
And questions arose (immediately - not after three days like you read about):
I have no problem with what was asked of the performers in this Shane Bugbee-directed Extreme Associates picture, Club Satan*. After all, the Torah tells us to accept no graven images, and ejaculating is accepting.
What concerns me is how the likes of Kyle Stone and Rick Masters (who said Bugbee had "gone too far") were enticed to the set at all. The first thing anyone confirms when booking me for a porn film is whether or not I will be expected to ejaculate on Jesus' head. In fact, I regularly choose the Jesus Head Sculpture Ejaculate-free aisle at my local Whole Foods.
Provocateur Matt Zane, speaking for Bugbee, who is apparently a Church of Satan priest, said, "Club Satan is about destroying the psychological and emotional taboo's [sic] {Satan needs a new publicist} that society has set forth and engrained with endless social programming."
Wow. Some angry teen wants his MySpace page back.
And using that logic, is the very foundation of porn, the pulling out and coming on your conquest's face while she slurps it up, about destroying the emotional and psychological taboos of women?
"This is not porn for mere entertainment," Zane adds. "This has a philosophy within it."
And that philosophy is put away your Sabbath albums.
One thing is certain: Paris Gables is fiendishly attractive, even with all that crap on her, and we all know that fake boobs are the work of the Dark One.
Previously: Sunny Lane: Miss Congeniality; At least one in ten of us: The Devil Inside; Skater Bloody Skater
See also: Extreme Associates
*The press release suggests visitors go to ClubStan.com, which I don't advise unless Lucifer wants you to take intermediate improv classes.Labels: "extreme", non-events, Satan
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, February 13, 2007--
Wrangling a sex tape
 One aspect of viral marketing that fascinates me is shame.
While Kim Kardashian would have had to have signed a release in order that her sex tape with rapper/former boyfriend Ray J could be sold, she publicly distances herself from any involvement in the negotiations that ultimately resulted in Vivid's purchase of the rights to sell it.
While money will definitely appear in Kardashian's bank account, if it hasn't already, it appears that she feels that actively shilling her tape reflects poorly on her, so she is claiming to be a victim of the process, recently threatening to sue Vivid.
If Vivid doesn't already have her consent to release the tape, it will be a stunning lawsuit. Watch for various and sundry lawsuit threats to be made and then quietly retracted in the coming weeks.
Vivid co-chairman Steve Hirsch said he is "comfortable" his company has "the legal right to distribute this video."
Porn rental/purchase etailer SugarDVD and other companies (including Vivid and Redlight District) were approached by "a third party" when Kardashian was researching selling her tape (though brief, Kardashian's performance is better than that of her pal Paris Hilton and fame-tier partner Dustin Diamond). It quickly became a high magnitude non-event, with SugarDVD announcing in several media that it had "offered" Kardashian $2 million for the rights.
When Vivid last week announced that it had secured the rights for about $1 million, I asked a Vivid official why Kardashian had given up the other million.
"I think you'll find the other offer involved a nebulous back-end deal," he said.
I asked SugarDVD president Jax about the process.
"We were the initial negotiators for the tape beginning three months ago," Jax said. "After the first discussion about the tape we waited for two months and then were told it might not be released. During this same time we stated to the NY Daily News that we felt the tape 'could' be worth $1.5 million. After the NY Daily News story ran we were told by email that we would get a call soon about acquiring the tape. That call never came. Three weeks later Vivid announced they had purchased it."
Jax does not know why the deal went to Vivid, but his consolation prize is that his company can make money from the tape regardless when Vivid releases it, and that SugarDVD is now considered a player in the celebrity sex-tape market, available to purchase my home erotic spoken word happenings.
"They felt Vivid could promote it better," Jax hypothesized, "thereby getting Kim's name out there more. That possibility would require an assumption that Kim is using this as an opportunity to promote herself."
Jax was surprised that the feckless third party was not polite.
"We would have liked to have a call before it was sold," he added, "but that's the way it goes."
Previously: SugarDVD enters friend-of-celebrity sex tape market
See also: Vivid, SugarDVDLabels: celebrities, hype, non-events
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, January 29, 2007--
Assraelis bigger than Jesus
 I don't like to cover non-events -
Q. Then Grams, why do you write about porn?
A. Shut up.
- and anything a publicist will send to TMZ.com and then send to you with a note saying it was featured on TMZ.com is officially a non-event, but it bears mentioning that Oren Cohen, owner of Tightfit Productions, the producer of Assraelis (covered here first, I humbly point out), which, despite being a well-shot porn film with very tasty Israeli pornstresses, is not causing nearly as much international controversy as readers would be led to believe.
Indeed, Cohen goes so far as to say "not since Deep Throat has an adult film garnered such national and international attention." That is like John Lennon saying the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus".
I would say that Assraelis has garnered just as much, but not more, national and international attention as Dirt Pipe Milkshakes 2. Still, Assraelis is a great movie filled with jewsy starlets.
Previously: But is it good for the Jews?
See also: Tightfit ProductionsLabels: dvds, hype, non-events, tightfit
posted by Gram the Man
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While I don't usually cover Las Vegas filling station events, not only is the opportunity to write the headline Sassy Gets Gassy too hard to resist, but you'll also remember my strong commitment to finding you the lowest gas prices, even if you have to drive to Las Vegas in July to get them.
