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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Building this City: "Welcome to Boobsville"
 If there actually were a Boobsville, say in one of California's many lovely unincorporated areas - along faultlines, devoid of city services, where people eat chips all day - would local officials give visiting dignitaries a Key to the Titty?GET IT??! A key to the ~ ? I should write for Playboy's Unabashed Dictionary. And live in the redwood glade behind the Mansion.  Anyway, none of my shots from the set of this movie came out well. All were blurred due to director Jim Malibu's insistence that each of the women oil her breasts and jump up and down.Oil her breasts and jump up and down. Oil her breasts and jump up and down. Ah. Here's the ambulance now.  I'm a big fan of Jada Fire's breasts, as are you, and America. They are uniformly full. Some large breasts, when dangling, appear droplet-shaped. This makes me worry that they will come off in my hands like water from a leaky faucet. Not Jada Fire's breasts. They're staying right. where. they. are. The DVD splash screen gives precise directions to Boobsville. All you do is take route 69.GET IT??! (Hardly worth mentioning, but there are no 69s in the movie, but uttering the number 69 has become shorthand for all manner of pornish wackiness.) Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Hirsch's Heavies heave haunches heavenward; Nailin' Palin for America; Today's kung fu grip See also: Adam & Eve Labels: "adam and eve", breasts, carmella bing, gianna michaels, jada fire, jim malibu, new porn daily ¶ Wednesday, May 20, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post 
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
She works hard for the money: "Who's Your Mamasan 2"
 This woman's name is Sai. She is from Thailand and is one of the stars of "Who's Your Mamasan 2," a southeast Asian MILF movie.While Sai has good teeth and appears well-fed, it is apparent from the pink shreds of her former dress that this proud woman has been forced to walk the earth in nothing but threads; threads that are barely able to keep her breasts up or to cover her baht-maker. But Sai will not be humiliated by your Western condescension, Yankee Devil. Instead she thrusts her raggedy ensemble at you defiantly, just daring you to feel sorry for her. (At least that's what I think she was doing, because I couldn't understand a goddamn thing she said.) Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Do they know it's Christmas?; Asians involved in pornography See also: Third World Media Labels: asian, MILF, new porn daily, thailand, third world media ¶ Tuesday, May 19, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post
Chloe Kez and the understandable devolution of propriety
 19-year-old Chloe Kez. a nanny and housecleaner from Baltimore, applied to Vivid's "Brand New Faces" outreach program and shot her first porn scene for the company in "Brand New Faces 17." Kez seemed surprised when director B. Skow suggested that one of her charges - a 16-year-old boy - might have a motive other than helpfulness when he followed her around the house."Does he disappear into the bathroom a lot?" Skow asked. "You know, he does," Kez replied. Our Catholic family had a surprisingly Darwinian Survival of the Fittest mentality, and we were left to kill each other. Watching this scene, I tried to imagine that Baltimore household in which such a woman is brought in to maintain order.  Kez is cheerful, ebullient, bruising, and spongy in all the right places. She reminds me of a less entrepreneurial Madison Young, though I'm sure the two could have wonderful conversations. That said, I really hope Kez doesn't do many porn movies, because I can't imagine how anything could top her scene in "Brand New Faces."Skow is one of my favorite directors, whether in features or quickie gonzos like this one, because he gets to the heart of the matter quickly. He is from New Jersey.  But I've noticed a progression since his tentative off-camera directions in the first "Brand New Faces" to this one: Kez makes him a crazy man. He cannot keep his hands off her. They keep entering the frame at odd angles to squeeze, prod, and paw at her. At one point, I think he uses two hands, which begs the question of how he was holding the camera. Readers, I am certain I would have done the same thing. Each of you would have, if given the opportunity. Speaking of Darwinian adaptability, I am sure that even Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra, herself no stranger to Maryland, would have evolved opposable hooves on the spot if given but a chance to grope at Chloe Kez. If you'd like my copy of this DVD, send me your pick to win the Belmont Stakes.Or if you would like to buy "Brand New Faces 17," you may do it here. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Brand New Faces exposes innocence, boobs; Savanna Samson dries a widow's tears; Holly Morgan's sham marriage; Morning wood with Nicki Hunter See also: Vivid Labels: b skow, charles darwin, chloe kez, contest, madison young, maryland, new porn daily, redheads, vivid ¶ Tuesday, May 19, 2009 5 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Terminology: Understanding "Bare" in gay porn
 Because I am on a number of mailing lists, today I received the following announcement about a long-awaited sequel.No Cover Productions has done it again with More Bare Ass-Busting Cum Pigs. These guys are ready to get down and dirty in this hot film, continuing from the explosive action that made its predecessor so popular. The film was directed by Viktor Store and features the talent of Pavel Vlasek, Rendy Scott, Jose Manuel, Mike Gate, and Eric Tomfor. "With the overwhelming response to the original, it only made sense to give them more...Bare Ass-Busting Cum Pigs," says 3MD's Michael Deak. Like all No Cover Productions films, More Bare Ass-Busting Cum Pigs features the hardcore bareback action that viewers want. "It's great to have More Bare Ass-Busting Cum Pigs exclusively," says AEBN's Chris Baker. "The first in the series was a great hit and it definitely warranted a sequel. Fans won't be disappointed."Naturally, because it was used 72 more times in the press release, I tried to work More Bare Ass-Busting Cum Pigs into as many conversations as I could; with my Member of Congress, at the library, disputing a parking ticket, and at dinner with a special lady friend: "These potatoes could use More Ass-Busting Cum Pigs - I mean 'pepper.'"...as well as with my personal trainer, Trondra: "That workout really busted my ass like some sort of cum pig."Anyway, I was confused about why "bare" was in the title at all. Unless these people were Mormon pornographers, I expected them to be bare. But "bare" refers to "bareback," thrilling to gay porn consumers but controversial in the United States because no condoms are used. That is why the majority of bareback gay porn comes from outside the country, why "bare" figures in the titles of many gay porn movies, and why it is so forbidden. Q. But Grams, why do The Gays not cleave to accepted Porn Naming Standards when issuing sequels?  I know that you don't come (pig) to Gram Ponante.com for its gay content, but you will certainly be the hit of your next PTA meeting if you complain that your tax dollars have been wasted by building a handicapped accessible ramp to the swing set when what the school really needed was More Ass-Busting Cum Pigs.Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Location, Location, Location - Strap-on Club vs. Strap-on Motel; What has it got in its pocketses?; Trans fats up your ass See also: AEBN, See the boxcover for More Bare Ass-Busting Cum Pigs here Labels: gay, new porn daily, terminology, the horror ¶ Wednesday, April 29, 2009 1 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
"Crack Whore Confessions": Heeeeeeere's Edie!
 Usually I forget porn I watch moments after I watch it, unless it is very bad, very good, or very different. The "Crack Whore Confessions" series has stayed in my head for almost 24 hours."Crack Whore Confessions 3" features a porn performer the likes of whom I have never seen: a combination of Little Edie Beale from "Grey Gardens" and The Lady in Room 217 from "The Shining." This actual crack whore was found by a man named Cracker Jack somewhere in Florida. The "Crack Whore Confessions" series is different because the crackitude is front and center rather than somewhere in the background. It's not like watching a JM Productions movie and thinking, "Oh, someone didn't show up and they had to go out on Sepulveda and get a crack whore" - These women make no bones about being in it for the crack. Also, it needs to be said that they are not attractive.  You might say, "Oh, Grams. How dare you comment on the physical attractiveness of a woman, you Tool of the Patriarchy?"But their unattractiveness is what makes the business between crack whore and john so interesting; I actually watched the scenes to hear what they would say. Cracker Jack is an excellent interviewer because he is as shameless as the women servicing him. Both chat all the way through the transactions, which are sexual for no other reason than the body parts involved. You might also say that "Crack Whore Confessions" is sad. That it can be. But separating pleasure from happiness from commerce is a lot easier in this series, shot in Florida, than it is with most Porn Valley fare. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Cream My Crack; Smokin' Crack 2 - The sequel; "After Last Season"; Riley Shy deserves medal, towel See also: Dirty D Labels: dirty d, florida, las drogas, new porn daily, prosties ¶ Tuesday, March 31, 2009 3 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
What is Faith Leon thinking? Part 1 of 1
 A randomly-captured photo of Faith Leon from the movie Black Man's Burden leaves me to wonder what she might have been thinking at that very moment.Here are some options off the top of my head: Is DirecTV really better than cable?If you can channel Leon's thoughts more purely, write them in the comments section by Friday night. The best empath will get a DVD. Congratulations to Billy from North Carolina for winning the last contest. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Silver Lake Scenesters; Little Angel Puss See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: contest, faith leon, juicy entertainment, literature, new porn daily, poetry, race movies ¶ Wednesday, March 25, 2009 10 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Japanese massage scammers never counted on vengeance beyond the grave
 As a licensed clinical massage therapist, or massagynist, I object to the portrayal of my craft in Hidden Camera Massage Scam as just a ploy to grope submissive Japanese women.In this seedy Tokyo reverse-rub-and-tug masquerading as an upscale spa, shady masseurs cajole doughy patients into having sex with them. But what I don't understand is how Japanese evildoers always forget about the spirit world, which has nothing better to do than terrify the living.  The hubris of massage fraud is inconsequential compared to the rage the womens' ancestors must feel, and you can be assured that what is not caught on camera is the crab-walking, hair-in-the-eyes malevolent ghost that comes to exact revenge on both the "therapists" and their stateside counterparts when the inevitable American version is made starring oh, I don't know, Neve Campbell.But before a vindictive spirit can arrive, the women are subjected to a series of ever-more-intrusive attempts to "relax" them, so that when the doctor's buddy with a handicam shows up, the victims don't appear too surprised.  By the end of the movie all pretense of traditional Japanese coyness has been removed. The women submit to suspect penile tension release methods without protest.In fact, the viewer would be forgiven for thinking that nothing was wrong with these women in the first place.  But if we know anything about supernatural rage, it's that it is not easily explained away. One can't inform the spectre of one's insulted grandmother as she emerges from the well, television, or sea to wreak havoc that the good doctor wasn't raping one after all.Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Hospital; Working on a sex pharm - the HMO-erotic Nurses See also: Third World Media Labels: asian, geekery, japan, new porn daily ¶ Tuesday, March 24, 2009 3 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Boxcover of the Week: Swallow the yellow thick load, Dorothy
 There is a lot of self-righteous hand-wringing lately about depictions of the tender black/white relationships found in interracial porn and, while no one bats an eye that every non-matriculated New Sensations performer is pictured in the same plaid schoolgirl skirt (with tie), somehow they choose to believe that depictions of all black men as thugs preying on passive/aggressive white women is the only stereotype porn consumers might believe. But I digress. If you're curious about the mysterious Orient, where teens are either transsexuals, members of crimefighting teams that coalesce into robots, or NOS-spewing, drifting street racers, know that what your Presbyterian pre-kindergarten teacher told you is true: they even have yellow sperm.Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Little Asian Transsexuals 13; Gender confusion in our hospitals, families See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: asian, boxcover, juicy entertainment, new porn daily, new sensations, sadie west, transsexual ¶ Thursday, March 05, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Riding in the caboose on the Gang Bang Train
 Can you imagine? A train on which there is nothing but gangbangs? I hear from my Member of Congress that some of that SoCal-bound stimulus money is going to be diverted from trains that crash to trains that bang.Still, we need to think about the role of money in a classless society. Here, for example, it is clear that the man to the right of Amber Rayne bought a half-price ticket and is only getting a listless handjob on the gangbang train. And I don't know about you, but I can get one of those on the bus. I can get one of those on my bike. I can get one of those in my TARDIS. Of course, even our country's fastest gangbang trains - like the Spermata in the Northeast Corridor - are no match for the slicker bukkake trains of Japan or France's merde train. Also: How do we know it's a train? Because there's a railroad crossing sign. Get it?? Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Alix Lakehurst - riding on the Metro; And on the 8th Day, God blew up Boston; Beating up Amber Rayne at the Americana Hotel; Why is this man staring at Amber Rayne's shoulder? See also: Pink Kitty Video Labels: amber rayne, gang bang, geekery, new porn daily, vehicles ¶ Tuesday, March 03, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sadie West: Best Actress
 Maybe she's no Kate Winslet (in that she still gets naked), but Sadie West demonstrates tremendous powers of incarnation in the New Sensations movie The Voyeur in Me."The actor's craft requires - nay, demands - the seamless incorporation within the instrument points of view, ways of being, that are antithetical to the personhood of the Originator, that is, myself," West did not say. West's singular achievement in the role of Party Girl is her brave affectation of a smile when presented with her partner's come rag and used condom. Like a baby handing you his full diaper or a boss pushing a pink slip across the desk, you might take those things but you're damn sure not going to like it. Watch The Voyeur in Me now Buy The Voyeur in Me now And, while I'm here, hand me that come rag - I need to wipe away a tear.  Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Meet Sadie West See also: New Sensations Labels: kate winslet, new porn daily, sadie west, voyeurism ¶ Monday, February 23, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, February 06, 2009
Boxcover of the Week: I Can't Believe You Sucked A Negro 3
 As you know, the Journal of Invented Statistics reported that 97.3 percent of DVD sales came as a result of boxcover photos alone. That is why each boxcover must pack in as much information as possible.Chatsworth Pictures' I Can't Believe You Sucked A Negro 3 tells us several things right off the gat, as it were. 1. Julius Ceazher appears to have the Holy Spirit sanctifying his union with your wife, Lana Violet 2. As if it weren't enough that your wife is cuckolding you within your field of vision, she is flipping you off. She must be mad. 3. The man she's cuckolding you with doesn't care about you one way or the other; he's just really happy to be there. 4. (2) and (3) underscore the fact that, just like in her relationship with you, your wife is not interested in the sex as much as she is the way it makes someone else feel, and the dude is there for the sex. When you and your now-wife hooked up by cheating on her then-husband, why did you think the same thing wouldn't happen to you? Fool. 5. Clearly, you are some kind of ventriloquist. Even though she is looking directly at you, your voice is coming from the other side of the room. 6. Really? You can't believe she did that? Really? After all this? Really? Buy I Can't Believe You Sucked A Negro 3 now Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 2008 - Small studios of the year; Holy Spirit with Adrianna Nicole and Ashley Blue; Holy Spirit with Stefani Morgan See also: Chatsworth Pictures Labels: "chatsworth pictures", boxcover, cuckold, julius ceazher, lana violet, new porn daily, race movies ¶ Friday, February 06, 2009 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 22, 2009
When life gives you gapes, make lemonade
 I don't want to seem prudish and don't suggest that other people stop doing something that obviously gives them pleasure, but I find gaping distasteful. I don't want to holler down your rainbarrel; I want to stop it up.And when the Porno-American Community bands together to present a clinical view of someone's (thankfully) obstruction-free colon I find myself in a Too Much Information state of mind. For a little extra income I've begun selling Gram Ponante Gape CoziesTM at selected offramps of the 101, 405, and 118 freeways. Perhaps you can buy a set for the gapes of your loved ones? I offer several: The Gape Doily  The Gape Doily is a traditional woven Gape Obstructor perfect for tea parties, wakes, and rainy Sunday afternoon contemplation. The Willard  If you're like me, nothing says "The Horror" more than a gape. Cover your loved one's fart of darkness with this breathable cozy. At just three bucks, it's easy on your pocketbookalypse. Comes with Charlie Sheen. The Peacekeeper  Protect her silo with a symbol of American might and smackdown benevolence. The MX Missile carries an 80 percent guarantee not to pollute groundwater. Can you say that about a gape? The Traveler  Once you decide to make that fateful journey, take St. Christopher with you. Four out of five Cardinals endorse anal sex as an essential part of the Abstainer's Toolbox. E Pluribus Anus  What better way to protect a national treasure than with the Great Seal of the United States? You don't have to be a Mason to get some caulking in. The Unicorn  We have several Gape CoziesTM in stock bearing images of fantastical creatures like the Chupacabra, Cthulhu, the Unicorn, and the mythical Ass Baby (pictured), which one out of five Cardinals believes walks the Earth. Thanks to Bree Olson for being today's Gape model. Watch I Love: 100th Edition now Buy I Love: 100th Edition now Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Quick turnaround in the gape dept.; Cock-blocking with Gram See also: New Sensations Labels: bree olson, commerce, geekery, new porn daily, the ass ¶ Thursday, January 22, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, December 04, 2008
What to slam, and where: Someone's in the bathtub with Priva edition
 It is not uncommon for people to stop me on the street and ask
 However, were Priva to express interest in remaking The Shining, I'd be interested.See my review here. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Upstairs/Downstairs with Tatiana Kush and Nicki Hunter; Priva's vagina of darkness; I Love Black Dick 3 See also: Evil Angel Labels: "priva", dave west, evil angel, geekery, minireview, new porn daily, sasha grey ¶ Thursday, December 04, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Livingston Taylor at the Wombat Room
 Lou-Ellyn is not dead; she's just bored with the title of the movie she's in.I reviewed Abby Winters.com's masturbation epic Intimate Temptations for the website Fleshbot and can't stop thinking about it. What kind of name for a porn movie is Intimate Temptations? It sounds like a cookie store at the mall. A porn movie deserves a better title, lest someone think it's not a film featuring women masturbating each other to orgasm but instead a General Foods International Coffee or the lounge at the Sheraton where every Tuesday night Dreamboat Annie, a Heart cover band, plays to eight or nine people, which include Dreamboat Annie.  It turns out Intimate Temptations was a consensus title. Because I am America's Beloved Muckraking Porn Journalist, I flew to Australia (John Travolta was my Qantas pilot/Scientology auditor) and unearthed Abby Winters.com internal documents to discover several rejected titles:Erotic Moods Warm Feelings Sensual Glances Pleasant Fondlings Lazy Afternoons Vibrating Passions Strollin' in the Colon Damp Folds Heated Flooring Earnest Rubbings  As you can see, there is plenty to recommend this movie, which makes the title tragedy greater. Imagine Nick Cave releasing an album called Intimate Temptations.See? You can't do it. Watch Intimate Temptations now. Buy Intimate Temptations now. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Oi my aching back; Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls See also: Abby Winters Labels: abby winters, australia, masturbation, new porn daily, outrage, porn lesbians ¶ Wednesday, November 19, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, November 17, 2008
When is a sex party not an orgy?
 The porn equivalent of getting a feeding tube inserted through your nostrils into your stomach, Pink Visual movies have never been accused of being high concept and exclusionary. And that's great. Their series Orgy Sex Parties captures people in various porny parts of America (for Volume 5 we're in Miami) having sex on boats and rental home couches while bystanders gawp with red Solo cups. In some cases it looks as though the camera were mounted on a keg rolling freely through the room.  But forgive me, aren't all sex parties orgies? If so, why call the movie Orgy Sex Parties? Wouldn't it be more powerful to call the movies Orgies?Watch Orgy Sex Parties 5 now. Buy Orgy Sex Parties 5 now. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pussy Party via The Ass; Squirting and self-censorship; Cuckolds without the consequences See also: Pink Visual Labels: miami, new porn daily, orgies, pink visual, swingers ¶ Monday, November 17, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Long shots: Young Girls with Big Tits
 It must have seemed like an art film or something, one of those Charlie Kaufman/Wes Anderson movies, except with porn. I can imagine the pitch meeting.Director So my writing partner and I have an idea.Producer Hit me.Director "Young girls with big tits."PAUSE Producer That's it? They're young and they have big tits?Director - and they're girls -Producer So girls with big tits? I don't know. No trannies? No tattoos?Director One of them might have a tattoo, like a butterfly, somewhere...PAUSE Producer Dave Navarro's not in it?Director We read him, but he's not right for the -Producer Sorry, boys, I don't see much of a market for young girls with big tits. It seems like a think piece. Why don't you take it over to Red Light District? They do the brainy stuff.Director But I want New Sensations to be my creative home...(and - SCENE)  I have no idea how Cassandra Calogera makes it through a single day without pawing herself to death, I really don't.Watch Young Girls with Big Tits 5 now. Buy Young Girls with Big Tits 5 now. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Chubby Twats - an important film; On the road with Alix Lakehurst; Hirsch's Heavies heave haunches heavenward See also: New Sensations Labels: boobs, cassandra calogera, new porn daily, new sensations, WGL, zaftig ¶ Monday, November 17, 2008 2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, November 14, 2008
But what is a friend, Sadie West?
 Someone once told me, "Grams, a friend is a person who will go downtown and get two blowjobs and then come back and give you one of them."I am concerned that Sadie West, who told me she drives to Porn Valley from San Diego when she appears in porn films, is surrounded by false friends. In the new movie Sadie & Friends, the New Sensations contract performer stars in one of five standard boy/girl scenes that neither overlap nor occur in the same place. I don't see how West is connected to any 0f these people.  At no time does Charley Chase say, "Great sex scene Mark Ashley! I'm going to call my friend Sadie West and tell her about it!" Chloe Summers, upon getting a load blown upon her person, does not say, "Better towel this off before it ruins my friend Sadie West's 400 threadcount sheets she bought at Erotica L.A." The thought took me out of the movie. Instead of watching Chase's boobs flex hypnotically, I thought: "But could Sadie West call her if she gets a flat tire or if Bank of America charges her a $35 overdraft fee on a $3 cup of coffee and she can't afford gas for the trip home?" I didn't think so, and that made me sad.It occurred to me that Sadie West doesn't even know the name of this movie. Somebody needs to be Sadie West's friend.  All right. I'll do it.Watch Sadie West & Friends here Buy Sadie West & Friends here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Meet Sadie West See also: New Sensations Labels: alex gonz, charley chase, chloe summers, mark ashley, new porn daily, new sensations, sadie west ¶ Friday, November 14, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Jesse Jane's Heat coming around the corner
 I am a big fan of porn remakes of Hollywood movies. I think it's because I know all that conflict could have been avoided if the characters just got naked and had sex. At least I felt that way about Schindler's List.This week's entry is Jesse Jane's Heat, a reimagining of Michael Mann's 1995 bank heist picture of the same name starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. Just think about how these lines from the original translate to Digital Playground's version: Hooker: Hey baby, time to go.See? Little did the hooker know that Waingro was going to kill her. Substitute "Jesse Jane" for "hooker" and "that last Koo Koo Roo creamed spinach before an anal scene" for "Waingro" and it fits perfectly.  Vincent Hanna: My life's a disaster zone. I got a stepdaughter so fucked up because her real father's this large-type asshole. I got a wife, we're passing each other on the down-slope of a marriage - my third - because I spend all my time chasing guys like you around the block. That's my life.How do you expect to keep a marriage in porn? It's hilarious!!  Alan Marciano: Why'd I get mixed up with that bitch?(Naturally, this line was repeated verbatim.) Buy Jesse Jane's Heat Buy Michael Mann's Heat UPDATE: The Jesse Jane movie and the Michael Mann movie have nothing at all to do with each other. (Aside from the hookers.) Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Affable Jesse Jane punctures fan's lung; Jesse Jane to ask them to dance, dance with them slow; Jesse Jane Image See also: Digital Playground Labels: "contract girls", jesse jane, new porn daily ¶ Wednesday, November 12, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Don't tell Pazuzu: Charlotte Vale is about 1/20th their age, collectively
 Charlotte Vale nobly takes on what appears to be an art gallery full of er, docents in the fifth installment of She Is Half My Age, one of the only porn titles that accurately captures what most people think when accessing free porn on the Internet.(That was artistic license - there is no free porn on the Internet.)  But if you are generous and say the average age of the 15 guys in the room is 29, making their total age 435, and assuming she is about 20, then the age difference really is shocking.Not so shocking, however, as the near-perfect Exorcist imitation Vale does. If Pazuzu were visiting that art gallery, he would probably say that it is Charlotte Vale who sucks cocks in Hell. Buy She Is Half My Age 5 here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: "This girl is half his age"; I meet Charlotte Vale, but don't come on her face See also: Brandon Iron Labels: brandon iron, charlotte vale, gang bang, geekery, new porn daily ¶ Tuesday, November 11, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Monday, November 03, 2008
Tits N' Ass: Why has no one thought of this before?
 "I'm coming," says Sarah Vandella in Tits N' Ass from Adam & Eve, though we see no evidence of it. "You're making me come." What director David Lord has done in this movie is nothing short of extraordinary. In choosing to place only one apostrophe aside a letter that would normally have required two, Lord has released a movie that, despite having Tits and Ass in the title, is an original product. And then there's Vandella's coming. She looks so good that you want to believe anything she says, but she does nothing physically to demonstrate it. It's like when I say "I'm not an alcoholic." Perhaps she was lying, maybe even knowingly making false statements to the camera, but I still wanted to place my franks n' beans as close to Vandella as I could.Watch Tits N' Ass here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Kiss Attack; ...but not the Kiss Army See also: Adam N' Eve Labels: "adam and eve", cockblocker, david lord, new porn daily, sara vandella, WGL ¶ Monday, November 03, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Hustler gentrifies the barrio
 As you know, Hustler is a welcome guest in every neighborhood, increasing property values, digging wells, encouraging local youth to settle their differences through The Dance rather than gang fights.But today's report in the Journal of Civil Engineering indicates that Hustler is turning ethnic neighborhoods white, as evidenced by the fifth installment of Barrio Booty, which features Rachel Solari, the whitest cover model yet.  "She looks like an oiled Debbie Reynolds or Donna Reed," said Loup Perch-Tounge, PhD., of the simultaneously undoubtedly bootylicious and Caucasian Solari. "She's more White Tag Sale than Swapmeet."Added Professor Lemt Squirrele, "Red beans and rice didn't miss her, per se, but it looks like she got them while she was a Peace Corps volunteer."  Solari will present a paper at The Bleachening Face of the Barrio, a symposium sponsored by the non-profit ATOGM Group of Cambridge.I don't care if Hustler turns my neighborhood white. As long as the Los Angeles Department of Water And Power continues delivering my malt liquor, I won't be suing nobody. Watch Barrio Booty 5 here Buy Barrio Booty 5 here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Latina Hollywood Hookers; Lethal Latinas 2; Sherman on Czech chicks, Lorena Sanchez See also: Hustler Labels: hustler, latina, lorena sanchez, new porn daily, rachel solari ¶ Thursday, October 30, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Lexi Belle: But is it art?
 I get a lot of requests to write something - anything - about Lexi Belle, who is from "the South" and Cute As Hell. "The reason I got into porn was to totally enhance my college experience," she says in director Andre Madness' Real College Girls 16, a movie that incorporates interviews into sex scenes. Myself, I got into porn to totally negate my college experience. But Belle, 20, and I, 23, are of different generations.Madness is a great gonzo director because, very simply, his movies don't look like a camera was mounted to a truck and that truck was then driven through the movie. We don't hear him asking the questions and so can focus on Belle when she says: "My major? [pause] Art. I like it."  We don't hear background noise and we don't see the edges of sets. A viewer doesn't get the feeling that a couch was dragged into a bus station and that the scene is about to be crashed by a homeless man.Don't get me wrong, the homeless have been used effectively in some porn movies, but in general I like Madness' approach. Things are real quiet when Belle says she doesn't get crushes on her professors. "There is a lot of cute girls. A lot of cute freshmans. So I am a real college student, not a fake one."  Belle is utterly charming. But I don't believe for a second she is a real college student. Unless she attended Sarah Palin's alma mater. Go Vandals!Watch Real College Girls 16 here Buy Real College Girls 16 here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Nailin' Paylin for America; Hearts And Minds II; Paige Turner reminds me of Daisy Buchanan See also: Hustler Labels: andre madness, art, hustler, lexi belle, new porn daily, politics, requests, rob rotten, sarah palin ¶ Tuesday, October 21, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Revisiting the Midnight Prowl: You'll get some leg tonight for sure
 Frank Wank is the type of guy you might see as an extra in The Departed, a Can You Believe This Shit? townie who somehow made his way to the minor leagues of porn celebrity.In Midnight Prowl, a series developed by the anti-Bruce Wayne-like Khan Tusion (pillar of society by day...), Wank takes game women to video stores and other adult establishments to find guys to have sex with. It is like what became of Jack Horner at the end of Boogie Nights, and Wank is comfortable with his own depravity.  He asks Layna Laurel, "So why does a rich baseball player's wife need to be doing some low-ass disgusting porno with some loser creepsters like me and [Dirty Harry]? Do you like all these dirty, rotten, no-good dicks?"(She says yes, because she's a "nympho.") They meet an unemployed bass player (Laurel asks him if he knows "Tommy Lee Roth from Van Halen") and bring him and another likely dude back to a hotel room after checking their IDs. They walk past posters for Pirates and other companies' couples' movies, knowing that the type of guy who hangs around reading magazines at adult video stores is not there to bring home Pirates to his timid, trembling girlfriend for a night of tender lovemaking suffused with the glow of sex-positive, female-empowering erotica.  There's something very straightforward about this. No one has any illusions about what is happening, and when Frank asks Laurel to lick his ass, she considers it and charges him an extra hundred bucks. She might be a nympho, but she's not a slut.I watched the DVD and got one impression, but the same scene advertised on the Midnight Prowl website caters to a different audience, I think: She Needed Money....We Were There For Here!I have nothing against commerce of this kind. I'm just angry that the Midnight Prowl team never rolls up to the post office when I'm buying stamps. Because I'm never in adult video stores - I get these masterpieces for free. Watch Midnight Prowl 14 Buy Midnight Prowl 14 Previously on Porn Valley Observed: It's hard to be a pornsaint in the city See also: Midnight Prowl; Anti-Innocence, pro-Puma Labels: dirty harrry, frank wank, khan tusion, layna laurel, midnight prowl, new porn daily, reality, sic ¶ Wednesday, October 08, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: Everybody Loves Big Boobies 4
 At first I rebelled against what I knew was the truth; no one likes to be told what they think. I thought, "You're not my father; it's not that black and white. There you are, sitting at the kitchen table with your newspaper. Where have you been? I'm America's Beloved Porn Journalist. Everybody doesn't necessarily love big boobies."But deep down I knew the real story: everybody, in fact, does love big boobies (4).  Here are Whitney Stevens and Amy Ried in this four-hour compilation. Ried performs with Derrick Pierce at a house on Kanan Road in Malibu that I first visited in 2005. I see that it still has the same structural art. I don't know what to think of it. But it's not like I work for Dwell Magazine, right? And if I did, do you think the owners would clean the jizz out of the reflecting pool?Four hours is a lot of time for diversity. For example, some of the breasts are natural and some have been created by space-age machines. Also: not one person utters the word "boobies."  But we know what they're thinking.Watch Everybody Loves Big Boobies 4 Buy Everybody Loves Big Boobies 4 ADDENDUM: There has been a lot of death lately, but the other evening I was given assurance of my own immortality. "Grams," someone close to me said, "if I outlive you, I'm going to get a breast reduction." At that point I knew I would never die. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Amy Ried: That's how you spell it; Her First Lesbian Sex See also: Adam & Eve Labels: amy ried, breasts, new porn daily, whitney stevens ¶ Tuesday, October 07, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Monday, October 06, 2008
Today in porn swag: Fallen and The Wicked
 It is AVN Awards nomination season, and Wicked Pictures has again outdone itself in the swag packages it has provided for two of its hopeful contenders, Fallen, the jessica drake porning of Wings of Desire, and the Kaylani Lei/Stormy Daniels vampire flick The Wicked.I asked Wicked publicist Heth Mares if there was a conflict of interest in hyping two productions from directors Michael Raven (The Wicked) and Brad Armstrong (Fallen) with swag boxes. She responded by e-mail, but I do not think a gun was being held to her head: Truthfully, we're all family here. We really do support each other's movies. In fact, Michael Raven shot one of the cameras for Fallen! We're always happy if any of our films win no matter who the director or star is. What you'll often hear us shout out at awards shows is the phrase 'keeping it in the family!' if two of our movies/directors/stars are nominated in the same catagory and one wins.Wicked uses a couple of swag fulfillment companies to prepare its screener packages. Below I list what came with each movie. Fallen
I have yet to watch either movie, but when I do, I am going to think of the swag package they came in and the usefulness of the products therein. The first thing I saw in the Fallen box was the ball cap and - look at the picture - I thought the design looked like the tattoo you'd find on the arm of your garden variety L.A. douchebag. Fail. But then I saw the candle. I actually use candles. Score. But I cannot imagine using any of the other items in the swag boxes. Unless you are a Son of Liberty and also have a barrel of tar for His Majesty's tax collector, what are you going to do with the feathers? And what Road Warrior civilization does Wicked Pictures predict will necessitate bartering with Fallen commemorative coins? Post-apocalyptic beggar: My family needs water, cheese, and bread Me: What have you to offer me? Dune spices? Fuel? The One Ring? Post-apocalyptic beggar: I have this Fallen commemorative coin Fallen's candle redeems everything. The Wicked's bloody mousepad, though....who uses mousepads anymore? And only if I am trying to fake an aneurysm to get off jury duty could I imagine using a blood squib. But thanks! That said, I love swag of all kinds, and I'm sure I will enjoy the movies. Speaking of swag, more than a year after receiving them, I finally consumed the two bottles of fusion licquer that came with Metro's XXX promotion. They were excellent. So let that be a lesson to you: if you are already sending a porn movie, why not send alcohol? Watch The Wicked here Watch The Wicked here Watch Fallen here Watch Fallen here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Today in porn swag See also: Wicked Labels: "stormy daniels", brad armstrong, jessica drake, kaylani lei, michael raven, new porn daily, swag, wicked ¶ Monday, October 06, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post
Pornthropologists discover Brazilian subniche: Teens
 Up until this very moment, porn consumers believed that the only inhabitants of Brazil were transssexuals, women with industrial-strength asses, and Pele. Now a team of pornthropologists has shed light on a new subniche: Brazilian teens.Above we can see a Brazilian teen with a man who appears to be Brazilian Hellboy.  "These women seem to speak Portuguese the same way other Brazilians do," noted team leader Loup Perch-Tounge, commissioned by the Porn Valley Chamber of Commerce to seek new populations to photograph naked and thus maintain our way of life. "But their asses are smaller and they don't have penises."Gram: And this cost you $950,000 to figure out? Perch-Tounge: Yes. And I still needed to borrow money from my girlfriend to get home. It is too early to tell if the Brazilian teens will grow weapons-grade asses or become transsexuals, Perch-Tounge said, uselessly.  The only thing we do know is that Brazilian teens are Red Sox fans.Watch Teen Brazil 6 here Buy Teen Brazil 6 here Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Brazilian Bar Hopping; Anal title 60 percent short of ass See also: Third World Media Labels: brazil, loup, new porn daily, third world media ¶ Monday, October 06, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, September 26, 2008
God, give me the serenity to accept Asseaters Unanimous
 I don't know why it's important for me to tell you, people that I don't even know, that the benefit of eating ass - even if it has some kind of cake in it - is lost on me. After all, I would not write in a review that "I don't think she was attractive" or "transsexuals don't do it for me," yet I feel the need to let you know that the very Green-friendly act of nibbling at something most people flush makes me shudder.Q. Don't knock it 'til you try it, Grams. A. Yes, yes. You can go have a journey of discovery mouth first up someone's ass. Or you can turn around to have someone's face where toilet paper would be, but leave me out of it. I know I'm not being forward-thinking. But now and then I encounter my own ass-line in the ass-sand. But that doesn't mean I don't professionally appreciate Tom Byron's latest foray into the heart of darkness, Asseaters Unanimous 16: Dinner for Two, in which people like Flower Tucci, Adrianna Nicole, Naudia Nyce, and Roxy DeVille toss salad like the great chefs of Europe and the druids of eld. Of Carolyn Reese, Flower Tucci says, "She has an ass on her chest."  The main reason why I liked this movie is that its logline is "A Culo-nary Delight!" That's pretty goddamn funny, and I will think of it as I throw up.I also think this dual image of Adrianna Nicole and Roxy DeVille surrounding an ass out of which is sprouting the Holy Spirit is also impressive. Watch Asseaters Unanimous 16 here. Buy Asseaters Unanimous 16 here. I mentioned this movie on Fleshbot way before it was released. I guess I blocked it out of my mind. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Report: Ohio voters concerned smiles, ass-fucking at odds; Pussy Party via the ass; Male performer of the year* See also: Tom Byron Labels: adrianna nicole, carolyn reese, flower tucci, naudia nyce, new porn daily, the ass, toilet, tom byron ¶ Friday, September 26, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Bree Barrett busts out the abacus
 "But the numbers don't go that high," says Bree Barrett as she tries to calculate Jake Malone's age (56) in She Is Half My Age 4. Not since Attention Whores and Raincoaters P.O.V. (both of which are also JM Productions titles) has the name of a series so deftly capyured both subject and audience. When Nicole Banks is asked when she was born, she says "April." When pressed, she says "April 1987." She also hesitates when asked where she is from."Arizona?" she says. I'd feel the same way. Download She Is Half My Age 4 here. Watch She Is Half My Age 4 here.
Previously: This girl is half his age; Godel, Escher, Bree Barrett See also: Brandon Iron Labels: arizona, bree barrett, canada, halia hill, jake malone, new porn daily, nicole banks ¶ Tuesday, September 23, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Palate-cleansing with Ava Rose
 Oddly enough, some people complained that the last post was too amphibious, so here is a picture of the delightful and terrestrial Ava Rose (or at least a delightful several inches of her) from the movie Hello Nurse!Sometimes it is important to bring people back to their comfort level after several paragraphs of fisting frog entrails, and Ava Rose is my comfort level.  Hello Nurse!Previously: Ava Rose at home; Night Shift Nurses - Sweat Lodge See also: Adam & Eve Labels: Ava Rose, because, new porn daily ¶ Tuesday, August 19, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, August 04, 2008
Opportunity knocks for Brian Pumper, grandmother
 I'm not saying it's fair, but the world is so arranged that white women, found in ample numbers in many parts of the world, are often unavailable to African-American men.In the documentary My First White Chick 2 the interviewer is incredulous that charismatic porn performer Brian Pumper has never been with a Caucasian woman.  "I swear to my dead grandmama," he says, answering a text message. When he meets Lindsay Kay, Pumper announces that this is the first white pussy he has seen in person. In fact, he is so impressed that he doesn't even say hello before he whips out his junk. A similar thing happened to me when I saw my first white pussy in person but, you know, it's hard to get your pants off on the Space Shuttle.  Pumper is delighted with Kay's toes and ass, which arrived pre-oiled. The chemistry was immediate. They were made for each other. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. If only his grandmother had been there to see it. My First White Chick 2UPDATE: What was I thinking? I should have called this Opportunity caucs... Previously: Guess who's coming on Aiden Starr's face?; Lex launches latest load litany; lensing lipward-lofting love loogies See also: Adam & Eve Labels: "adam and eve", brian pumper, lindsay kay, new porn daily, race movies ¶ Monday, August 04, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post
Friday, August 01, 2008
Chubby Twats: An Important Film
 Dear Readers: Not since Transsexual Jerk-offs has there been a porn title that could double as something we might have called each other, devoid of any sexual connotation, in eighth grade."What's that transsexual jerk-off doing in my locker?"See? Confusing.  Anyway, I was interested to see if this film featured twats that were themselves chubby (which the title implies), or if the chubby women were all twatty. Lucky for you, they are not. They're just hard-working gals trying to catch a break in an unfair world. Like unappreciated housemaid Devyn Devine. Or Sunshine, who made me think of this story. While Sunshine does not seem to be a twat, her attitude about her tremendulous breasts is very casual. I have a feeling that she has ceased to walk anywhere in her neighborhood because she feels bad about the traffic accidents that follow in her path. Roxie's scene with her therapist is poignant. She is complaining about her husband's negligence."What do you think?" she asks in a thick Chicago accent. "Do you think my boobs are too big?" This is a pretty funny scene. Her uncredited scene partner is an effective straight man, as one must be in the face of such boobs. When the scene takes it inevitable turn toward boundary-crossing behavior, we see why Roxie's husband stopped touching her.  "What are you doing?" she brays at her therapist, who is just trrying to help. "Get it in there."The scene is also a study in the Chicagoland dialect. Everyone sounds like a cross between Alix Lakehurst and Elwood Blues. "Put yer caack in me," Roxie says.  "It is our first date," says Ava at the end of the night. "Maybe we should slow things down."Immediately after, she changes tacks.  "Maybe we should kick it up a notch."(You know, it is these mixed messages, combined with her revealing outfit, well, you get the picture. I'm just saying. No jury in America. Any man alive. Asking for it, etc.)  If you are looking for these women now (as I would be), you might be out of luck, as the movie was produced in 2006 our of photoshoots for magazines like "Buxotica." Why I just got sent this film now is the real crime.This movie is actually called XXX Chubby Twats, but I think that the "XXX" isn't necessary when the "Twats" is present, just like the motto of Wellesley College. XXX Chubby TwatsPreviously: Say hello to my big friends See also: Score Group Labels: alix lakehurst, new porn daily, score, transsexual, zaftig ¶ Friday, August 01, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 28, 2008
Who let the milves out?
 What with our recent discussion about linguists, it seems fitting that we revisit the MILF and address how we should collectively refer to her kind.MILF is an acronym for Mom I'd Like to Fuck, and in porn we have seen that that term has been badly abused, as oftentimes a woman billed as a MILF is neither a mom nor a woman I, Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist, would like to fuck. MILF has come to be used to denote any sexually aggressive older woman, despite the fact that the word "cougar" already fits that definition. But today we're not here to talk about whether or not a woman is a MILF, but how we should refer to a group of them. "MILF" is an acronym, meaning a word that can be pronounced from the initials of other words. Many people erroneously believe that an acronym is just a series of initials, but you have to be able to pronounce the series like a word. So LOL is an acronym where BRB and WTF are not. NASA is an acronym, as are OPEC, WASP, and scuba. In fact, for words like scuba (self-contained underwater breathing apparatus), many of us have long-ago forgotten that the word is an acronym at all.  At this point I'll agree that it's really important this article contains nudity.So if MILF is an acronym and therefore a word, is its plural MILFs or Milves? In a sentence, would you say, "I would like to shoot a ropey volley across that desperate group of MILFs" or "milves"? I think the plural should be milves because it is reminiscent of wolves and turves, as in "I would love to roll those milves in the turves where my buddies and I play golves."  That being said, Tyann Mason and Friday are excellent in Hustler's Revenge of the MILFs. At first I was worried that revenge - as good a reason for having sex as any - would not actually be a part of the movie. But each of the milves has vengeance on her mind in this movie, even to the point of Mason seducing a Mormon missionary. Revenge of the MILFsPreviously: Alternate dialogue for a MILF movie; Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry See also: Hustler Labels: cougar, friday, MILF, new porn daily, sic, tyann mason ¶ Monday, July 28, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Say hello to my big friends or: Scoreface
 Like you, I was once 12 and can see the appeal of huge boobs, especially on someone as pleasant-seeming as Devin Taylor, who throws them this way and that in flesh-loving publication Score's Devin Does South Beach.Taylor often looks like Flower Tucci's agreeable, heavier sister.  Also like you, I haven't seen South Beach since Scarface, and so was keen to see Tony Montana's old booger sugar stomping ground. But Devin doesn't "do" South Beach as much as appear adjacent to it, preferring to squeeze, soap, and wrap her boobs in rented Dade County rooms and pools. I believe they had to use a special camera to capture the blessed event. But don't be hard on Devin Taylor for giving South Beach short shrift: she has HUGE BOOBS, after all, and that used to count for something in America. Still, that does not give her the right to spell "masturbate" wrong; it insults the intelligence of today's sophisticated porn consumer. Devin Does South BeachPreviously: The Lighter side of the Load, Alix Lakehurst: Riding on the Metro See also: The Score Group Labels: boobs, devin taylor, florida, miami, new porn daily, score, zaftig ¶ Wednesday, July 23, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 18, 2008
Gianna admits assault
 Phat Ass Tits 5 is an example of how, in porn, the word for one body part can be used as the adjective that modifies another. But it's a colloquial thing that requires knowledge of the language one is manipulating. One would never say "She has a big tit ass," for example.Anyway, director Anton Slayer asks Gianna what was the weirdest thing she had ever done with her 36DD natural breasts. Before she goes into porn star mode and says, "I like sliding a cock between them," she says, "I've knocked a couple of fucking guys in the head with them." I bet they have yet to recover. Still, what a way to go. Previously: Today's kung-fu grip See also: Metro Labels: anton slayer, boobs, gianna, metro, new porn daily ¶ Friday, July 18, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Charlotte Stokely should sue
 What with all the nuisance lawsuits flying around the adult industry these days, along comes Thays Schiavinato, a dead ringer for Charlotte Stokely (except for the penis). Stokely should so sue.
Transsexual Jerk-offs is a movie from Juicy Entertainment. The very title sounds like something a New York City cab driver might say (judges would also have accepted "Transsexual Jagoff"). It's a comforting sign that porn is getting more mainstream every day.TM Joanne Cachapero, with whom I write a monthly review column for the adult trade magazine XBiz Premiere, walked into my office while this movie was on and said, "Who's the pretty girl?" "It's a transsexual, Joanne," rolling my eyes like a teenager. "Oh," she said. "I didn't see the penis." "You never do," I said. "Until it's too late." Transsexual Jerk-offs
Previously: Charlotte Stokely speaks in tongues; Transsexual MILFs See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: charlotte stokely, legal, new porn daily, transsexual, xbiz ¶ Friday, July 18, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Jagermeister in porn, XXVIth in a series, or: Dollar shots
 Where American porn tends to use the sound of lawnmowers outside the filming location as a prop, the Europeans (in this case, Cindy Dollar in a scene from Viv Thomas' "Members Only 5") often employ liquor cabinets."A well-stocked bar is a sign of wealth and attracts naked women," said Jean-Claude Parallelogramme, a spokesman for Europe (not the band). The fetishist will note the presence of a Jagermeister bottle alongside other upscale liquors, whereas American plutocrats often consider Jagermeister suitable only for red-faced yahoos on Spring Break. We shall overcome. Nicki Hunter will help me change that. Previously: Girls, Girls, Golf; Playboy's mounting Canadians See also: Viv Thomas Labels: alcohol, cindy dollar, Europe, new porn daily, viv thomas ¶ Wednesday, July 16, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, June 20, 2008
Flower Tucci: After the outing
 Flower Tucci reclines in a pool of her own and others' natural spendings in a scene from The Violation of Flower Tucci. She has appeared on a television show complaining of her daughter's lesbianism when the female audience attacks her and makes Flower a lesbian.What? You're saying that, because she had no choice in the matter, that she's not a lesbian? Open your eyes, pal, she's a total lesbian. That's like saying that, because the mound of dough had no choice about my putting it in the oven, it's not a delicious biscuit.  Now Flower is a lesbian and she is going to have to live her life accordingly. I believe her first act as a lesbian will be to stop having sex with so many men.These are the only known pictures of Flower Tucci in which she is not showing her ass. Previously: XRCO from the outside in; Flower Tucci's ass directives See also: JM Productions, Flower Tucci Labels: audrey hollander, flower tucci, JM, new porn daily ¶ Friday, June 20, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Location, location, location: Strap-on Club vs. Strap-on Motel
 Like Groucho Marx, I would not belong to a club that would have me as a member, especially a Strap-on Club, in which a paranoid and micromanaging Shy Love sends mixed messages to her employees.But these are porn lesbians, whereas London and Dylan Ryan, the protagonists of Maria Beatty's Strap-on Motel, are real lesbians doing porn, which was an important distinction made in the landmark 1994 case California v. Squirt v. Female Ejaculation v. Urination v. Adams. Two movies featuring women with strap-ons, one filled with high-heeled and porn-honed mercenaries, the other with a cast of two ladies who might very well be bike messengers who will tell you they're not into men - even for a price. What challenges!  Director Maria Beatty's Strap-on Motel was filmed in Paris, Tucson, and downtown L.A. Its storyline is the noirish and jazz-inflected romance between London, a taut and undershirted wanderer, and brassy Dylan Ryan, prone to wearing hats. Will their love survive escalating airfares?In the second installment of Strap-on Club, Shy Love presides over a secret society in ruins. "The first rule of Strap-on Club is Don't Talk About Strap-on Club," she says, over and over. And yet people are talking about Strap-on Club. But Shy Love is just as to blame as the Chatty Strap-on Cathys; at one point, she ferrets out loudmouth Michelle Avanti. "You've been talking," Love says. "Who, me?" Avanti says. As punishment, Love orders Katrina Isis to fuck Avanti up the ass. With a strap-on. If you were an executive, would you deliver the same consequences as a punishment that you would as a reward? Bad management, Shy Love.  Strap-on Club also stars Memphis Monroe and Nicki Hunter, always in danger of topping from the bottom, which is a no-no in strap-on circles. See a gallery of both movies here. Strap-on MotelStrap-on Club 2Previously: Believing the strangest things, loving the Sex Mannequin; Beating up Amber Rayne at the Americana Hotel; Wig-flipping with Nicki Hunter; Gram Ponante announces The Oscars of Porn; Pussy Party via the Ass See also: Bleu Productions, Sinsation Pictures Labels: "nicki hunter", crissy moon, gay, katrina isis, maria beatty, michelle avanti, new porn daily, porn lesbians, shy love, strap-on ¶ Tuesday, June 03, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Adrianna Nicole is her own massage table
 Is she a Barbapapa?Previously: The Whore Within Me, Without You See also: Hustler Labels: adrianna nicole, because, MILF, new porn daily, WGL ¶ Tuesday, May 13, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Setimo de Maio: Tranny monopoly
 We've seen that Latinas must bear the shame of being called hookers when they are actually escorts, but today we look at an area where Latinas and Latinos have achieved primacy: the world of transsexual porn.Why is it that Brazilians make up the bulk of the transsexual porn community? I asked International Olympic Committee Chairman Jacques Rogge. "I don't know," he did not say. "How would I know such a thing?" "All right," I said. "How come trannies always seem to have tan lines?" "To make their breasts look bigger?" he didn't suggest.  Brazilian Carla Renata grunts sweet Portuguese nothings to the be-condomed gentleman in the first scene of Double-D Trannies, holding her flaccid penis like a Capri cigarette. Watch enough tranny movies and you see a pattern: the trannies themselves rarely get off. You'd never know that the percentage of not getting off is much higher for women in straight porn movies, but with trannies that sort of thing is hard to fake. Or soft to fake.  Izabelly Ferraz seems to encounter self-doubt at one point in Scene 2. Where her straight counterpart might say, "Aiii!!" this picture captures her saying, "Aiii?" In five scenes, only Bianca Andrade and Esmerelda Dias are able to complete the mission. But are they truly happy? In this movie there is only 40 percent mutual money shots. Can we do better? Si se puede! Or Si nos podemos! Previously: Industry fearful of Brazil twink dominance; Extremis duae; God Bless the Trannies See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: brazil, latin, minireview, new porn daily, transsexual ¶ Wednesday, May 07, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Seis de Mayo: Shame and redemption
 The first thing one thinks when confronted with Wicked's new Latina Hollywood Hookers is, "Well Duh. You think there's Latina hookers in Glendale? It would be a step up to have Latina hookers in Glendale."On that subject: Irvine Robbins R.I.P., whose first ice cream store was in Glendale. Mourn ya 'til I join ya (pours Friendly's Fribble on grave). After the triumph of Cinco de Mayo we are faced with harsh realities: some Latinas turn to prostitution. Luckily the "hookers" of the title are not streetwalkers but classy call girls with phone numbers, credit at a florist, and their own couches. Demi Delia is the head of this escort agency but, striving to stay close to her roots, also sees select clients. One is Ben English.  In the first scene, English and Delia offer a valuable service to consumers, providing an example of the small talk and protocol characteristic of a session with an escort: he places the money on the table, she pretends to have missed him since the last time, and then they get down to it.The only inaccuracy was that they kissed each other. That Wicked requires condoms made for more authenticity. If a hooker does not require a condom, you should run (unless you are only there to strangle her, in which case you should reconsider and go to Baskin Robbins).  The second scene is even more authentic in its awkwardness. Tommy Gunn forgets to pay Sienna West until she prompts him with something legally innocuous, just in case he is a cop:"Do you want to take care of business?" Sienna West utters not one "Ay, Papi" throughout the scene, but she does imply she is a Latina by asking, "So do you like to fuck Latinas?"  Daisy is a massage therapist in the next scene, and Randy Spears tells her that her "money is over there." Nick Manning plays a serial whoremonger in his scene with Cassandra Cruz. She asks if he has seen women from the agency before."All of them," he says. "And none of them can keep up with me."  Finally, Alex Sanders and Dick Delaware sign on for Maya Gates. "You know it will cost you a little more?" asks Delia in the phone interview.I found this scene the most verdad of all of them. The conversation was stilted and Cruz knew very little English. In fact, it was less like a porn scene and more like a hard-hitting HBO documentary, with poignant human drama everywhere you looked.  One bit of dialogue I would have liked to see was:"You sure you're not a cop?" "You sure you're not Armenian?" Wicked has done a great public service in releasing this prostitute primer. Still, I can't help thinking that if these women had been white, they would have been called "escorts." Previously: Hookers And Blow See also: Wicked Labels: daisy marie, demi delia, latin, minireview, new porn daily, Nick Manning, prosties, randy spears, Tommy Gunn, wicked ¶ Tuesday, May 06, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, May 05, 2008
Cinco de Mayo: "I'll let you see my bewbs"
 Growing up in my small Zacatecan village, I never thought I would be so assimilated that I would prefer Taco Bell chalupas to the bacon-wrapped hot dogs served from dubious carts on the narrow streets of my childhood. That is why I turn to porn for authenticity and have been saving Hustler's Little Latina Cum Queens ("these hot & spicy senoritas love to get covered in cum!") for today, el Cinco de Mayo, since I can't return to mi tio's banana boat and hear the the soft dobro playing of mis abuelas in the shade of the guarana tree, the sounds of revoluccion echoing through the arroyos, the hijos living in fear of la chupacabra, and the vindication of our village when Zorro liberated us from los banditos.OK, I'm not from Mexico.  But if I were, I would still wonder why cover girl Renae Cruz says not so much as an "Ay Papi" in this movie and Veronique Vega ("I'll let you see my bewbs") sounds more like a San Fernando Valley girl than an (insert name of valley in Mexico because I'm too lazy to go back to Wikipedia again here) girl. What's worse is that Laurie Vargas subjects herself to the fakest popshot I have ever seen. Generalissimo Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin did not defeat the French at Puebla so we could have fake popshots.Previously: Kayden Kross representing the luchadores; Renae Cruz hedges her bets See also: Hustler Labels: latin, new porn daily, Renae Cruz, veronique vega ¶ Monday, May 05, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I'm never going back to my old school
 It was not the same in Bogue Chitto. There, you'd see old girlfriends suddenly working for the Post Office.Here it is not uncommon to see an ex show up in a porn movie. In fact, it's common - what else would they do without you? But when you see the bedspread you had in college in a porn movie, well, that's when it's time for some hard reflection. Previously: Ashlynn Goes to College; Alannah Starr will try anything once See also: New Sensations, Steely Dan Labels: missy stone, new porn daily, new sensations, personal philosophy ¶ Wednesday, April 30, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Remember a Tranny on Mother's Day
 The accepted way for your hi-larious officemate to make fun of a porn movie is to add a ridiculously high number to a wacky title that probably already exists."My neighbor's wife should be in My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla 48," he'll say. You will then check your watch and accurately predict that Blackzilla will work his way up to that number sometime in August. But now and then a title that is too weird to be fake will show up, and we look around for telltale signs of the Apocalypse: not wishing Clinton was back in office, etc. The porn industry, as anyone working within it will tell you, does a remarkable job of self-policing. Not only are there mandatory HIV tests, the results of which are available to anyone on set, but also the redundant forms of identity documentation required for 2257 compliance. Why, then, does no one ever ask a performer in a MILF movie Have you ever given birth to a child? The last straw came today when a copy of Transsexual MILFS 3 arrived. What they mean to say is Old Trannies, but instead they have sullied the sacred role of porn motherhood by populating a movie teeming with elderly transgendered Brazilian men and calling it a MILF movie. Now if these men had fathered children at one point, they could have the -ILF ending but a new first letter would have to be applied. I spoke with Loup Perch-Tounge, chairman of the International Porn Standards Office based in Van Nuys. "I can assure you that none of these women packs her kids off to school with a nice, hot lunch," he said. Previously: Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: loup, MILF, new porn daily, the horror, transsexual ¶ Tuesday, April 29, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Anal Alliteration: Aubrey Addams' Ass Addiction
 I couldn't help noticing that there is more shag on the stairway she's crawling up than there is on Aubrey Addams.Director Robby D.'s Handheld Pictures, which distributed Ass Addiction 3 through Digital Playground, lives up to its name, as D. follows Addams up that stairway and you can't even hear him breathing. Maybe the carpeting muffled it, but have you ever tried following someone's ass up a stairway? You end up sounding like Darth Vader.  This is an amazing picture. Addams looks like a loaf of Butter Top Wheat Bread. Who wants sandwiches?Addams does not look as happy in this movie as she did on the cover of Anal Fuck Auditions 3, but who would? Previously: Subverting the dominant paradigm with Ashlynn Brooke's ass See also: Digital Playground Labels: aubrey addams, Digital Playground, new porn daily, robby d., the ass ¶ Wednesday, March 05, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Audrey Bitoni: Not that kind of Cardassian
 By astutely feigning ignorance of Kim Kardashian, the producers of Getting It Up with the Kardassians instead stumble full force into a group more rabid than O.J. Simpson lawyers, Wheaties-bound decathletes, and the divided realm of Armenia: Star Trek fans.What would the legendary Cardassian Union founding father Tret Akleen think about Audrey Bitoni's performance as Kim Kardassian? "I wouldn't kick her off the holodeck of my Galor-class warship for eating Larish pie," he said. "Also, I would like to eat taspar eggs off her ass." Previously: Audrey Bitoni: Comin' at Ya! See also: Venom Labels: audrey bitoni, geekery, new porn daily, venom ¶ Tuesday, February 26, 2008 4 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Hookers And Blow: An important film
 Joe's hooker addiction is interfering with his drug habit.I know some people consider "Hair" or "Dirty Dancing" to be their generation's movies, but not until Brandon Iron's Hookers And Blow did I find a film about my life. See the review here. Previously: "This girl is half his age." Labels: brandon iron, las drogas, minireview, new porn daily, wendy west ¶ Wednesday, February 20, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
No wonder Sasha Grey can't find her car
 It's because she has no place to put the remote.Unless... Previously: Sasha Grey's movies See also: Elegant Angel Labels: because, elegant angel, new porn daily, sasha grey ¶ Tuesday, February 19, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Nacho Vidal Fucks Them All - for Valentine's Day
 Nacho Vidal really does fuck them all. In fact, I'm surprised that this 2-disc set from Digital Sin is limited to bipedal women.For about two minutes this week I thought, "Should I write something special for Valentine's Day?" and decided against it, because every day is Valentine's Day when you're getting porn for free and watching "triple anal bukkkae" scenes in your cold rented chamber for little to no money. But nothing says love more than getting an oral pedicure from the same person to whom you're simultaneously giving an anal injection. And if that person is North Carolina's Brooke Ballentyne, whose name rhymes with Valentine in most countries, well, you've got a mandate. Speaking of man date, I'm sure that's in Nacho's next movie. That guy is insatiable. Previously: Nacho se divorcia See also: Digital Sin Labels: brooke ballentyne, digital sin, feet, nacho vidal, new porn daily, the ass ¶ Thursday, February 14, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
This should neither hurt nor be all that pleasant
 Here are Dahlia Denyle and Courtney James from Lethal Hardcore's upcoming comeback production Seduced by a Real Lesbian. At issue is whether Courtney James is faking that expression, because Denyle is paying more attention to us.It could be that James was bent over the bed looking for something on the rug when Denyle surprised her, but James would have seen her tongue coming in the mirror. James, who shot her first porn scene ever in September, should have known by the time this movie was filmed to never, ever leave herself vulnerable to tongue-leading lesbians this way. Previously: Brand New Faces exposes innocence, boobs See also: Lethal Hardcore Labels: "lethal hardcore", courtney james, new porn daily, stoney curtis ¶ Wednesday, February 06, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Greetings from sunny California
 I have nothing to complain about living in Los Angeles. The Mexican food is less expensive and more plentiful than it was in Bogue Chitto, driving isn't as bad as people like to say it is, and I can watch Cloverfield with Korean subtitles.But I admit that coming to work today was a trial, as the thermometer read a frigid 59 degrees outside Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Tijuana Farmacia, and Bus Terminal. Then I received this photo of Vivica Charms with her ass facing the Pacific Coast Highway. My thoughts raced back to mid-December, when this picture was taken. It was warmer then. "We shot this at the San Onofre State Beach," said producer Sandy Bunz. "On summer weekends there are 3,000 nudists there." San Onofre State Beach is ten miles south of Dana Point, just north of Richard Nixon's Western White House and the Camp Pendleton Marine Base. To avoid the crowds, though, Flashpoint Productions doesn't shoot on weekends. "On weekdays we have to use lookouts to avoid the state rangers. It is daring." Well, thanks for taking the risk. Previously: Seriously, Caylian Curtis, don't do that if it hurts you; Roxy Panther's Sugarloaf; Consumers demand more drink booze parties See also: Sandy Bunz Labels: flashpoint, fotos, new porn daily, sandy bunz, vivica charms ¶ Thursday, January 31, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
It's what's for dinner
 Naturally, I thought Cum on Her Chops was about marination innovations for certain cuts of beef. Turns out it is a two-year-old European movie* just released recently in the United States.You can be sure this was not the original title of this movie, as Europeans don't use 30's American gangster language. If that was the case, Chin Music would have been a much better title. Here at Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Yurt, Brasserie, Catacombs, and Helipad, we have come to terms with certain conventions, like the necessity of a facial popshot as the punctuation that ends a scene of gentle lovemaking. Yet the boxcover of this movie pretends that sort of thing is optional: "European girls have no inhibitions! Brunette beauty Susanne Brend is joined by 5 other cuties (all natural breasts!) who all love to finish their sex scenes with a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face!" I imagine the conversation going thusly: Director: We're about to end the scene. Would you like to end it with a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face, a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face, or a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face? Susanne: I think I'd like to mix it up a little with a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face. 23 skidoo! Previously: Cum Drunk Love; Cum Greed See also: Metro *It was produced two years ago - it doesn't feature two-year-olds. Labels: Europe, metro, new porn daily ¶ Tuesday, December 18, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, December 13, 2007
You Be the Judge: Squirting or Urinating?
 Of the debates that occasionally tear Porn Valley asunder, there is none so divisive as what constitutes squirting and what is peeing. And if there was a movie about 'MILF"s who "squirt", well, we'd be here all day.I received two movies today, one called Super Squirters 4 and one called Tinkle Time 2. Both used alliteration, both used multiples of 2 in the title. The following might be heresy, but Was the substance that came out similar, too? Can you tell what the people in the next two pages are about to do?  Here is Sophie Dee. Everything she does is wonderful, and Welsh. But what is she about to do? This is a little bit arty. I know all about art. Maybe this is a no-brainer because Flower Tucci is so closely associated with squirting. But don't typecast her. Here Otto Bauer and Audrey Hollander command Chelsie Rae to do something on the grass. What will it be? Tinkle Time 2 Super Squirters 4Previously: Porner's Almanac Week 4; Squirting and self-censorship See also: JM Productions, Venom Labels: audrey hollander, chelsie rae, flower tucci, MILF, new porn daily, otto bauer, sophie dee, squirting, urination ¶ Thursday, December 13, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, December 03, 2007
You better run, you better take cover
 In that AC/DC is from Australia, I am prepared to give the prison colony a chance. But I realize that what we like in our hard-drinking, school uniform-wearing rock bands we mght not appreciate in its porn personalities.Only the convincingly-named Jenna Taylia in Aussie Fuck Fest: Canberra doesn't fill me with memories of dried Pabst on low-pile frat house carpeting, ancient cigarette smoke, and sweat pants. This West Australia travelogue is filled with old couches, dingy bars, and hours-long bus rides. I'm not looking for Vivid, just a little Windex. Previously: Products for your down under from Down Under See also: Tight Candy Productions Labels: alcohol, australia, new porn daily ¶ Monday, December 03, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Slam It in a Slut - from Its perspective
 Because I am the last king of Scotland, I have an appreciation for the perspective of Gazzman, that country's only porn director. Here are some annotated snaps from his movie Slam It in a Slut.If you've come this far past GramPonante.com's elaborate security system, I'm sure I don't have to tell you what "It" is. Above, Ana Nova and Smokie reenact a scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey, with It as the Starchild.  Gazzman's house music camera style prevented a clear shot of Max's nipples and face in the same frame. Call me an old-fashioned Gestaltist but the sum of them always works better for me than just the parts themselves. Max' nipples strain at the screen. With my new high-res monitor, I was actually able to hang some firewire cables from them.Previously: Suzie Best in Best of British; Postcard from Porn Week; Sabrina the gang-banged witch; Ana Nova in Scenes from a Pussy Party See also: Evil Angel, Gazzman Labels: directors, Europe, gazzman, geekery, new porn daily ¶ Wednesday, November 28, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, November 09, 2007
Inari Vachs and Ten Years After
 Max Hardcore is releasing his back catalog through JM Productions, so the other day I watched a scene between Max and Inari Vachs that was shot in November, 1997.I like Max Hardcore because he's up front about being evil. He doesn't talk about making porn for "the kids" and doesn't adopt a paternal attitude; at most he takes on a diabolically avuncular one. He doesn't hand out bears one moment and justfy his irresponsible behavior the next. Even the boom shadow is refreshingly sordid. Vachs encounters Hardcore somewhere in Golden Gate Park and he takes her back to his hotel. On the way he asks if she's familiar with "Herman Miller's 'Nexus', 'Plexus', and 'Sexus'." When one of his crew members says, "I think that's Henry Miller," Max brushes this off but for a moment displays a look that says "I know someone who isn't getting paid this week." Vachs, true to her costume, feigns surprise at everything that happens to her. This is so much better than when Hardcore's partners are genuinely surprised. "Have you ever been sodomized?" Hardcore asks. "I don't know what that means, Mister," Vachs says (this was the style in 1997). "It's when you get a big cock up your ass," he explains. "I hope it doesn't hurt, Mister." Previously: Hardcore hears a hammer See also: Max Hardcore, JM Productions, Ten Years After: "Bad Scene" Labels: inari vachs, JM, max hardcore, new porn daily ¶ Friday, November 09, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Brooke Haven provides thoughtful alternative to fucking her brains in
 You know, I used to work for Corporate America, but I'm a butterfly, man; and butterflies are free to fly.I didn't like being told what to do by no spirit-sucking drone, man. I make my own rules. I'm a straight shooter. I love hard and I drink hard. I take Life by the nipples until it yelps a little. So you can see why I would chafe at people telling me which way to jump. Still, "Fuck My Brains Out" seems less like an order than a challenge, because it looks like Brooke Haven just killed that guy. Previously: What makes boobs real?; The Pornographer See also: Hustler Labels: brooke haven, hustler, new porn daily, personal philosophy ¶ Thursday, November 08, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Monday, October 29, 2007
Girls Handling Cocks for President
 ...or: Cock the VoteI don't know about you, but for me each day is a search for meaning. "Who can I trust? What is truth?" etc. As if mailed personally by the Intelligent Designer, Girls Handling Cocks was squeezed through the mail slot of Gram Ponante Towers, Quarry, Centrifuge, and Haberdashery today, featuring a cast of people I've never heard of, including Zanza Raggi and Veronica Vanoza, from a country that has only existed recently. "They look like innocent little sweethearts. But despite their cute looking faces and their tight young bodies...They know how to handle a big and hard cock. See what they do best..."I recently watched Dave Navarro's Broken, and I was like: Good movie, but what the hell does broken mean? Now, Girls Handling Cocks - I know what to expect. If only our presidential candidates could be so forthcoming. I understand that a compilation from the Czech Republic, or Macedonia, or wherever, featuring no U.S. citizens, couldn't possibly be elected President in these intolerant times. That is why when Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitt Romney come to California or your state within the next few months (unless you're from Alaska, Hawaii, Maine, or Alabama), you must ask them, "How is your candidacy like Girls Handling Cocks?" Previously: Triple threats prove truth in advertising; Whores Don't Wear Panties See also: Metro Interactive Labels: compilation, foreign, metro, new porn daily, politics ¶ Monday, October 29, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, October 15, 2007
In the House of Perez, there is no underwear
 Renee Perez is NinnWorx_SR's new contract performer.In House of Perez, her coming out movie for the company, she is all black latex and boots, cavorting with the likes of Charlie Laine, Celeste Star, Georgia Jones, the troubled Sophia Lynn, and Sabrina Rose. I don't know about you, but when I'm wearing a vinyl outfit and being shot with a purple backlight, my nipples get sweaty. I believe Perez must be some kind of auto-cooling robot, or ancient astronaut, or something. You know the types of movies Michael Ninn produces, so here is a little quiz: Which of the following phrases did not appear in the press release?
See also: Ninnworx Labels: "contract girls", geekery, latin, new porn daily, ninnworx, quiz ¶ Monday, October 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, October 12, 2007
Mat diplomacy: How prostitutes smell
 The premise of Sexual Catfights 3 is simple: for some reason, nearly naked and mostly bodacious women arrive in a wrestling ring and start having conversations not pertaining to wrestling, but end up wrestling anyway. It's a fun movie that teaches us something."I smell that cheap hooker vanilla," Mae Victoria says to cheating girlfriend Havana Ginger. Later Claire Dames, Rachel Luv, and Savannah Stern find opportunities to mix it up on a blue mat that, if I remember anything from high school, smells like feet (and cheap hooker vanilla). You might say that catfights, like pillow fights, are always sexual and therefore the title of this movie is redundant. But I grew up on the docks, and if you've ever seen two fishwives going at it, you just pray there's nothing sexual. Previously: Brittany Starr will probably fuck the DJ; JM attempts to make wrestling heterosexual; Summer Haze wrestles for the dead, lost causes; Girl Cat Bitch: Interrrupted Slapped Pushed; How you gonna keep 'em down on (Seymore Butts' Ass Farmer) once they've seen Karl Hungus? See also: Nasty Ladies Wrestling Labels: grappling, new porn daily, WGL ¶ Friday, October 12, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Suzie Best in Best of British
 I had a Catholic girlfriend from Ireland who, whenever she would see a British woman, would spit: "British slags wear their mattresses on their backs." I told this to a woman I dated from London and she said, "The Irish are the whores of Europe."Whichever is true (perhaps they are both true!!), I enjoyed watching Gazzman's collection of ten scenes, each in a language I'm only partially familiar with. "Fook mah pusseh," commands Best at one point. It sounded suggestive, but what did it mean? Previously: Postcard from Porn Week; I still haven't found what I'm looking for; Sabrina Deep: Gang Bang across the water See also: Harmony Films Labels: "vena virago" wgl, british, dvd, gazzman, new porn daily ¶ Thursday, October 11, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Report: Andrew Blake even capitalizes the word "Film" when speaking
 Since it is well-known that erectile tissue does not function at its best without a good basis in grammar, it was interesting to see that gauzy eroticist Andrew Blake transcended quotation marks to explain his Importance.Describing X2, starring Elena "Rivera, who stars in a series of erotic dream-like sequences, (and) showcases not only her true beauty but her ability to mesmerize and visually stimulate all who gaze upon her," Blake said:
Wait a minute, so you're saying that 75 percent of couples' porn over the past 15 years has not been accompanied by a soundtrack of contemporary ambient music? Blake is an extremely gifted director, but most porn movies should only be advertised with the simple logline: These Woman Will Make Your Peen Straighten. All the rest is overkill. By the way, if you have any erotica hanging around that you need a sensual backdrop of contemporary ambient music for, click here. Previously: 20 short films by Andrew Blake See also: Andrew Blake, View the X2 trailer Labels: andrew blake, couples, new porn daily, sic ¶ Tuesday, October 02, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Even John E. Depth can't believe it
 The image on the back of Anacondas & Lil Mamas 2 makes it look as if John E. Depth is entranced by himself to the exclusion of his scene partner, who seems to be yelling "Focus!"Depth seems to be saying, "Holy fuck! I'm awesome!" Read more after the gap.  Here is the front cover. I don't believe these women are actually mothers.Here is the front cover with a cat instead of a penis.  Previously: Caverject makes women grow; Gargantuan cock public toilet; Slime Ballin' See also: Juicy Entertainment, John E. Depth Labels: fotodoctor, john e depth, male talent, new porn daily, toilet ¶ Thursday, September 27, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, September 24, 2007
I still haven't found what I'm looking for
 It is rare that I find a porn boxcover poignant (unless I'm thinking: what an idiot) but Hustler's Pussy Cum Cocktails cover is as wrenching as any woodcut representation of the Irish Potato Famine; Cassie Young searches for something, having left herself literally naked and vulnerable, but Tiffany Taylor isn't giving her any satisfaction. I wonder if she's British.Previously: Squirting and self-censorship; Squirting and terrorism See also: Hustler Labels: cassie young, hustler, new porn daily, tiffany taylor ¶ Monday, September 24, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
What Would Bob Seger Do? Girls on Film: Solo 2
 As easy as it might be to forget why I'm here, now and then I am reminded that at all times we must pay homage to Bob Seger.Here is Holly Morgan on the set of Platinum Blue's masturbation (theirs, not necessarily yours) epic Girls on Film: Solo Edition 2. Seger's influence on the porn world is everywhere, from Tampa's Night Moves show to movies like this. "She was a black-haired beauty with deep dark eyesYou can see a gallery here. Previously: You can think about the woman, or the peeler you knew the night before; Paige Turner reminds me of Daisy Buchanan; Way up firm and high on Cahuenga Blvd. See also: Platinum Blue Productions Labels: "platinum blue", bob seger, breasts, holly morgan, new porn daily ¶ Monday, September 24, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Why we need socialized medicine
 Previously: Anal title 80 percent short of ass; Seriously, Caylian Curtis: Don't do that if it hurts you See also: Amateur District Labels: brazil, new porn daily ¶ Thursday, August 16, 2007 3 Comments Links to this post
Friday, August 10, 2007
Time management: Just Turned 18 And Transsexual
 I feel that transsexuals are ageless, that they have walked the earth for millennia and, like energy, are unable to be created or destroyed.That's why Just Turned 18 And Transsexual poses a dilemma: isn't the process of transsexualizing someone a much longer journey that would require the newborn tranny to be a lot older than 18? Or are we to assume that -horrors- the soon to be legal trannies were thinking about gender orientation before legal age? The idea of sexuality before 18 is shocking, and I and other Porn world First Amendment Patriots refuse to believe it. Previously: New Porn Daily: Transsexual MILFs; Kala Prettyman does not need airbrushing See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: dvd, juicy entertainment, new porn daily, transsexual ¶ Friday, August 10, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
New Porn Daily: Naomi Cruise is a chameleon, crime magnet
 Looking at the box covers of Raincoater's Point of View 6 and Send it Down 3, shot one month apart this year and featuring someone named Naomi Cruise, my first thought was "Who are these two people?", because they couldn't be the same person.Read more after the gap.  But they are the same person. The top picture shows Cruise in the weirdly stylized blowjob epic Send It Down 3, where she goes from disembodied cock to disembodied cock in what appears to be Gemzyme's summer home.But the boxcover of that movie makes Cruise look a little chunky. And that's OK. In fact, it is more than OK. like when Jack in Sideways opines, "Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?"  As we can see from the still of the movie, she is lithe. One month earlier, however, Cruise appeared in Raincoater's Point of View 6 and her hair was completely different.It is just this type of technological trickery that the Unabomber, to whom an homage appears in the background, opposes. Previously: Assault that Ass: Sun Tzu's perspective; To walk like Gwen Diamond; The Inner Pig Labels: "red light district", geekery, naomi cruise, new porn daily, platinum x, WGL ¶ Tuesday, August 07, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 20, 2007
I dare you to walk into Starbucks and say this
 ...especially if you add the "7".Side note: If you spell out the initials, the word you get is "Ilibadima 7". That either sounds like De'Bella's mom or someone left out of "Purple Rain". Previously: "This nipple's not going to lick itself"; I Love Black Dick 3; Pull My Daisy See also: Metro Interactive Labels: dvd, new porn daily, race movies, sativa rose ¶ Friday, July 20, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Kala Prettyman does not need airbrushing
 You would be excused for thinking that someone with the name Kala Prettyman is a tranny, but that is the only thing about the "newish" performer's appearance in Fresh Out the Box 7 that isn't deceptive.Read more after the break in the HTML continuum. For one thing, this series, affably directed by Tina Tyler, is for newcomers to porn. Prettyman has been in the business in for more than a year. And the impression one would get from the gauzy, vaseline-y, finger-in-the-mouth pose on the boxcover does not do justice to the all-natural and unassuming performer who gets all womanly on a couch with Lexington Steele. Prettyman is hippy and roomy, not in a way that would make Jame Gumb think about where to add zippers, but in a way refreshingly different from most newcomers to porn, who have thighs that Rebecca Gray noted "look like they were scraped out from the inside with an apple peeler." Prettyman fills a void so cruelly created by Missy Monroe on her departure from porn (though Prettyman seems more stable, not that instability is necessarily bad). Previously: Fresh Out the Box 4; Lux's Life; Holly Randall has always been a pervert See also: Kala Prettyman Labels: "tina tyler", kala prettyman, new porn daily, transsexual, WGL ¶ Thursday, July 19, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 16, 2007
New Porn Daily: A new parishioner is born in the Ghetto
 There are those who feel that race and class-based porn is wrongheaded, but I am sure that they, like me, will be reassured now that the Latin mass is coming back.Why? Because ghettos, as we know from constant and repeated porn viewing, are hotbeds of primal lust and therefore of Latin scholarship. All those results of that crazed ghetto rutting have to be baptized somewhere, don't they? Beauty Dior's eyes seem to be saying, "This tastes like a novena." Previously: Working up the enthusiasm with Gabriela Banks; The Black Toilet of Lust; In a white room with meat curtains See also: Hustler Labels: dvd, hustler, jesus, new porn daily, race movies, toilet ¶ Monday, July 16, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 09, 2007
The Haunting of Hill Feet
 This picture of Lana Croft in Red Light District's Obscene Behavior 2 reminds me of the scene in Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" in which (lesbians) Eleanor and (come on, they're so lesbians) Theodora clutch each other in a dark room against some unseen creepy thing outside, only to realize when the lights come on that they were across the room from each other."Good God - whose hand was I holding?" Here is the first paragraph of "The Haunting of Hill House": No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. I'm sure that whatever walks in Obscene Behavior 2, walks erect. Previously: I Love Black Dick 3; Strapped by a Ghost; "She never sleeps." See also: Red Light District, Buy "The Haunting of Hill House" Labels: "red light district", asian, dvd, geekery, new porn daily, the horror ¶ Monday, July 09, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 02, 2007
New Porn Daily: Sex Secrets of the Yeti
 I consulted my 12-year-old self, who proclaimed Private's Sex Secrets of the Yeti "even better than Krull".It hasn't snowed in Los Angeles since 1962, so the idea of porn shot in the snow almost seems like science fiction. Leave it to the wacky Europeans to make Sex Secrets of the Yeti, in which different men dressed in gorilla suits for no good reason couple with ski-suited Euro-hotties atop an alp. This movie is tremendously stupid, but that matters little in a porn movie. I only mentioned it was tremendously stupid because I pay myself by the word. Still, it bears mentioning that at one point a ski bunny and the Yeti have been walking toward each other for about 30 feet before she even slightly registers apprehension. Then there's the scene where the Yeti and a not-Yeti bang their sweethearts side by side. That we see the guy in the Yeti suit's t-shirt all the way through makes me think that Private had blown so much of the budget on the location and keeping the ladies in chapstick that the company paid very little attention to explaining why the Yeti did not rip his conquests limb from limb afterward. But maybe that's one of his sex secrets. Previously: Every picture tells a story; Ladyboy or Cenobite?; Private introduces first hybrid synergy porn star See also: Private Labels: cenobites, geekery, new porn daily, private ¶ Monday, July 02, 2007 3 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Adrianna Nicole, Lorelei Lee, and Dana DeArmond in Naughty Flipside
 This is neither a movie about asses nor about Filipinas, but instead a superbly-cast throwback to the type of movie Jim Holliday would make without the exclusionary dialogue. Here Brett Brando directs Nicole and Lee to lay a trap for a two-timing boyfriend, played by Tommy Pistol, and below Dana DeArmond chats with real-life boyfriend, Daniel.It's rare to see people smiling in porn movies, so this project validates the huge amount of money I make off this industry every year.  Stay tuned for a review tomorrow. Previously: Something is about to happen to Lorelei Lee; Even professionals benefit from dildo etiquette; Lorelei Lee and Adrianna Nicle - just because; Gusano Negro ... See also: Naughty America Labels: adrianna nicole, because, lorelei lee, naughty america, new porn daily, WGL ¶ Tuesday, June 26, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, June 25, 2007
New Porn Daily: Renae Cruz hedges her bets
 In Slutinas #4, director Juan Cuba confirms the party location with Renae Cruz."Is the fiesta in that ass?" he asks. "Si," she says, and then adds, "and in my mouth." Because today's porn consumer demands authenticity, it's important that in a title named Slutinas that the performers not only speak Spanish but also wear sombreros. Previously: Patrick, Thorn seek to be freakin' with Ricans; Loca Latina Sluts 2 See also: Platinum X Pictures Labels: dvd, latin, new porn daily, platinum x ¶ Monday, June 25, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
This week's Lick My Love Pump award
 You remember in This Is Spinal Tap when Nigel Tufnel played several bars of a moving piano ballad in "the saddest of all keys" and then announced that the song was called "Lick My Love Pump"?You will agree that this picture is lovely, gauzy as it is and off-center. The title, which I've obscured, was etched in a thin, elfin, cursive font. Kina Kai and Jasmine aren't looking at us like cynical porn chicks but as wholesome and innocent natives, perplexed but not put out that we have stumbled upon them. You'd expect that the title of the movie would reflect the presentation, but you would be wrong. This movie is called Island Pussy Lickers. Previously: Seriously, Caylian Curtis: don't do that if it hurts you; Mature 20, Ancient shark zero; See also: Pure Play Media Labels: asian, dvd, kina kai, LMLP, new porn daily, pure play ¶ Tuesday, June 19, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, June 18, 2007
New Porn Daily: Strapped by a Ghost
 As you know, I am in continual contact with the spirit world (because it owes me money). That is why I looked forward to Viv Thomas' Sirens (only slightly a ripoff of this movie), in which a Czechoslovakian real estate agent has trouble selling a home because there are three dead hotties haunting it.If one subscribes to the belief that specters return approximating their most recent living form, each of the ghosts died after shaving her pubic area. The dead spend most of their time slowly bobbing up and down in the pool and rubbing themselves, but occasionally one wanders into the house, as we see above, and manipulates a strap-on attachment into the terrestrial parts of the real estate agent. I was unconvinced, but I'm sure GhostMILFs isn't too far away. Previously: Porn star or vengeful Japanese Ghost? (fleshbot); "She never sleeps" See also: Viv Thomas Labels: new porn daily, viv thomas ¶ Monday, June 18, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Assault That Ass: Sun Tzu's perspective Or: Come to think of it, don't cum on my tattoo
 Cody Lane presents a unique challenge for tacticians in Red Light District's Assault That Ass 11. While her ass is only minimally fortified, her high heels tottery, and as she is facing an incline (but looking back), it would appear that her ass is a target that will quickly fall, as outlined in Sun Tzu's "Art of War"."When doing battle, seek a quick victory," writes Tzu, and indeed, victory seems imminent despite Lane's defiant air. "A protracted battle will blunt weapons and dampen ardor." But Lane is also protected by a railing as well as a spiral staircase. Assault by land, which is preferable, would require attackers to change direction several times. Air ass assault forces would first have to clear that railing. Lane is doing something that both my cats and Tzu call "presenting". Tzu believes that if one's enemy invites aggression, the enemy must be at an advantage, perhaps even with shotguns in their nipples.  "If the enemy is far away and challenges you to do battle," Tzu writes, "he wants you to advance, because he occupies level ground that is to his advantage."Something between you and Lane undoubtedly lies in wait to thwart you. It might be slippery ass juice or her dad, boyfriend, or agent. Sun Tzu says nothing about jealousy in his 2500-year-old text, but Chinese literature is clear when it warns: "Beware the form the pimp has taken." Assault That Ass 11 is also an assault on the tattoo. Note Lane's tattoo in the original picture and how it has been airbrushed away for the boxcover. "I don't care if she has a tattoo, vitaligo, or burns over 30 percent of her body," Sun Tzu didn't say when contacted. "I'd hit that even if I were standing in a swamp without proper defillade." Previously: Anal title 60 percent short of ass; Make love to my ass; MILF, ass definitions continue to evolve See also: Sun Tzu on The Art of War; Red Light District Labels: "red light district", dvd, new porn daily, tattoo ¶ Thursday, June 07, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
New Porn Daily: Sploiting days are here again
 As you can see from this dramatic photograph from the set of Mayhem's Assploitations 8, Tory Lane's ass was so prevalent that only one flap of her former wardrobe remained.In fact, her ass is like a poltergeist: "strong enough to punch a hole into this world and take your daughter away from you" - only, in this case, "your daughter" would have to be replaced with "whatever flimsy mesh covering Tory Lane already had on." The picture is black and white, clearly, because Lane's ass-force was so overwhelming that it sucked the color from the photograph. Previously: Chasey Reloaded; Put a thong on that - Stat!; Gaping Days Are Here Again See also: Mayhem Labels: dvd, geekery, new porn daily, tory lane ¶ Wednesday, June 06, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Sunday, June 03, 2007
New Porn Daily: "Leg Sex Flirts"
 In that the director Viv Thomas is British and presumably speaks English (among other languages), there is no excuse I can think of for this mind-boggling title. It seems like more a collection of keywords for a fetish website than the name of a movie, or something a Western tourist might hear from a strip club shill in some eastern European country.Furthermore, who are the clip art guys on the boxcover? It looks like the first draft of the poster for a porn version of "A Chorus Line". All that said, don't be deceived by the title or the picture on the box, for within lies lots of long-leggedy action, for people interested in that sort of thing. For me, legs just make it easier for them to run away (insert hoarse sobbing over the phone at 3 a.m. here). David Lee Roth did not rave, "You'll get some Leg Sex Flirts tonight for sure!" Previously: Counting floggers on the wall: Mr. S Leather; Scenes from a Pussy Party; Open bar at the Van Halen Place See also: Viv Thomas Labels: directors, dvd, fetish, new porn daily, the leg, viv thomas ¶ Sunday, June 03, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, June 01, 2007
New Porn Daily: Transsexual MILFs
 Each of us has acquaintances who don't work for the Porno-Industrial Complex who say pithy things like "So, how do you review a porn movie? 'I came three times'?" and "That guy says he's not gay but he's got a tattooed arrow pointing to his ass?" and I'm all like, "You don't understand."Another joke that gets old quick is when people make up porn titles and then add episode numbers to them, like "Cock-Crazed Cum Demons #42". ("So what are you reviewing today - 'Cock-Crazed Cum Demons #42'?") It is only because I am America's Beloved Porn Journalist that I happened on a title - "Cock-Crazed Cum Demons #42" - that hasn't been used (as of this writing). The reason the joke gets old is that in 99 percent of the cases the name someone will invent in derision actually exists. That brings us, in my classic burying the lede fashion, to today's movie, Transsexual MILFs from Trans Erotica and Juicy Entertainment. Of course the theory of evolution demanded this title happen eventually, but it still caught me off guard. Unfortunately, the International MILF Registry cannot give this title its seal of approval because not a single one of these transsexuals is a mom and I don't want to fuck any of them, despite the resemblance of the tranny above to Tyler Faith. Not that they are not attractive and sexy, but where would I put it? (My knowledge of anatomy is limited.) My experience with tranny movies is limited (though I just reviewed Buckback Mountain with Joanne Cachapero in this month's XBizVideo), but I feel comfortable saying that a quick scan of this movie revealed couples who were into the action. Some transsexual movies I've seen that are geared to "straight" audiences feature people who just don't look like they want to be there (you can see it in their eyes, as well as southward). This movie seemed a little more "gay" in orientation - there was no self-consciousness and the editor slowed down the money shots, which is a gay staple. Previously: Alexis Skye and conditioned thinking; Allanah Starr will try anything once; Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: dvd, juicy entertainment, MILF, new porn daily, transsexual ¶ Friday, June 01, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, May 28, 2007
New, Older Porn Daily: Cougars on the Hunt
 I prefer the term "cougar" to "MILF" because the former doesn't require all the fact-checking the latter does. Cougar just means a hot older woman who happens to be predatory (as they often get in their 30's).While the cougars in this movie don't act differently from the teens in most other movies (director Anton Slayer approaches them from above with a camera as the women sit on couches - it doesn't make the women seem like they are on the hunt at all), the strange, Vermont furniture-like appeal of Whitney Wonders' breasts sets this movie apart. Wonders' bio says she was born in 1970, but her name is straight out of the mid-70's. It is like her boobs punched a hole in the fabric of Time. Previously: Easter MILFs and the Fertile Crescent; MILF, ass definitions continue to evolve See also: Metro Labels: dvd, MILF, new porn daily ¶ Monday, May 28, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
New Porn Daily: 20 short films by Andrew Blake
 Many people encounter Andrew Blake's kind of porn and never feel the need to try anything else; his name is synonymous with a style of beautifully-shot and sometimes disaffected erotica that puts him in a class by himself, for better or worse.For many average citizens, Blake's is one of the few names from the porn industry they recognize. I have seen maybe one minute of one of his films (actually shot on film) four years ago. But here is Jade Starr, photographed for Blake's X, which is not to be confused with Metro's X-Rated, in a characteristically long-leggedy pose. Blake said he shot each of the models improvisationally, only using himself as the crew and slowly compiling a movie's-worth of scenes. "Instead of an individual model becoming the focus, the dominant nature of the director becomes the 'star'," he said. That's great. Talent is getting so goddamn uppity lately. Previously: Atomic Vixens: Escape from the Valley of the Sluts; Project Pussy Worship 2 (fleshbot) See also: Andrew Blake Labels: andrew blake, directors, new porn daily ¶ Tuesday, May 22, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, May 18, 2007
New Porn Daily: Katja Kassin in Viva la Van
 Of Viva la Van, director Van Styles' collection of ten scenes that are close to his heart, he writes, "So sit back, relax and keep the lotion and tissue close."The idea of someone suggesting that people masturbate to porn is distasteful to me. It is too on the nose (or, in my case, over the shoulder). It's like advertising toilet paper with "It's for Shitting!" Regardless, I believe Mr. Styles when he says these scenes are personally moving, such as Katja Kassin's romp with three dudes on a carpeted Porn Valley duplex stairway. On the set of Cuckolds 2 I asked Cram Johnson what his standards were vis a vis the pornish art form. "I have to be able to jerk off to each scene in editing," he said. It concerns me that he is looking at my scene right now. So that Styles personally chose these scenes is reassuring, and I find that claim more credible than recent Hustler titles branded "Larry Flynt's Private Collection". The thought of Larry rolling around an oak-paneled porn library selecting month-old Memphis Monroe titles with a gold-plated back scratcher doesn't ring true to me. Previously: Janine Loves Jenna; Land Madel See also: Metro Labels: directors, katja kassin, new porn daily, toilet, van styles ¶ Friday, May 18, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
New Porn Daily: Something is about to happen to Jazmine Leih
 Maybe Jazmine Leih is a recent convert and she's wearing her First Communion dress. It's a wonderful time, once one has made that step. But something is wrong. Who is the dark and obscured figure behind her, jealous of her happiness? Could it be the Masons? How can she not be aware of this palpable air of menace? She must be in some kind of religious ecstasy. The search for spiritual fulfillment in a secular world as well as that of pulling out and coming in someone's eye is examined in Dark Meat Asian Treat (not to be confused, for Christ's sake, with Black Meat Asian Treat). Previously: Something is about to happen to Sasha Grey; Something is about to happen to Lorelei Lee See also: Red Light District Labels: "red light district", asian, because, dvd, new porn daily ¶ Wednesday, May 16, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
New Porn Daily: Saruman meets Spock in a thoughtful ocean of flesh
 XL Girls Magazine has released XL Extra #5, featuring mesmerizing shots like these, with flesh undulating like the sentient waves of Solaris.One can't help but get in a Comic-Con mood when reading the marketing copy of this movie, which promises "Horny plumpers satisfy their craving for manflesh!" The scholar will remember that manflesh is exactly what Saruman promised his Uruk-hai army ere its disastrous march on Helm's Deep. (I am pushing up my glasses here.)  It is odd that this movie arrived right after I read Fleshbot's story on Leonard Nimoy, who has a photography show devoted to zaftig ladies, although none of the former Mr. Spock's subjects give it up the way Samantha Kay and Aspen do.Previously: I am Teagan Presley (I am not Teagan Presley); Hotter than a Balrog; Before they were dieting; So much more creative than doing lines off hookers See also: Scoreland, I Am Spock, Leonard Nimoy Photography Labels: bbw, dvd, geekery, new porn daily ¶ Tuesday, May 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, May 14, 2007
New Porn Daily: Sand in the Cracks Edition
 Maybe the official start date is over a month off, but as there have been several days recently in which the temperature has been over 90 degrees here at Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, Kibbutz, and Lobster Hatchery, I am prepared to say that summer is here. Also: Global warming. Also: Spiderman 3 opened.Above is Private's former contract girl, Priva, getting her parts sanded in African Temptation (you'd think that would be an interracial title, but it's not), which is part of the company's Tropical Deluxe 6 box set that includes only sandy interludes. I would be interested in comments from anyone who has not had a disappointing time having sex on a beach. Porn stars, who don't earn that much money, should get hazard pay for beach work. In addition to the sand, they also have to worry about: 1. Vengeful lepers from The Fog 2. Those lobster things from The Dark Tower 3. Al Gore checking water levels 4. Interloping Adam & Eve shoots 5. Retirees with metal detectors  Here is Simone. Even though the Europeans in the movie spoke English for our benefit, it was still difficult to decipher. Sample dialogue:Guy: You are taking now the flying lesson? Girl: Yes. Soon I will be able to fly around. I do not want to catch you with bad girl. (As if she might see them from the plane?) Guy: No, no, baby. Girl: I will being very mad. Still, I guess the dialogue is better than a Bill Mullet press release. Previously: Private introduces world's first hybrid synergy porn star; Sex City review See also: Private Labels: "contract girls", dvd, new porn daily, occupational hazards, private ¶ Monday, May 14, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
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