| --Tuesday, May 13, 2008--
Satan wears tube socks, is also not a mom
 Wow.
You know my towering rage when women advertised as MILFs aren't actually moms, so you can imagine the sadness and hurt I felt when Satan made no appearance in Sex Slaves of Satan (say what you will about John Holmes).
Read the review here.
Previously: Meet Today's Peaches (fleshbot); Lemon cream facials; No easy way out for Body Magic
See also: VCXLabels: classic, desiree cousteau, john holmes, MILF, minireview, Satan
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, May 07, 2008--
Setimo de Maio: Tranny monopoly
 We've seen that Latinas must bear the shame of being called hookers when they are actually escorts, but today we look at an area where Latinas and Latinos have achieved primacy: the world of transsexual porn.
Why is it that Brazilians make up the bulk of the transsexual porn community? I asked International Olympic Committee Chairman Jacques Rogge.
"I don't know," he did not say. "How would I know such a thing?"
"All right," I said. "How come trannies always seem to have tan lines?"
"To make their breasts look bigger?" he didn't suggest.
 Brazilian Carla Renata grunts sweet Portuguese nothings to the be-condomed gentleman in the first scene of Double-D Trannies, holding her flaccid penis like a Capri cigarette.
Watch enough tranny movies and you see a pattern: the trannies themselves rarely get off. You'd never know that the percentage of not getting off is much higher for women in straight porn movies, but with trannies that sort of thing is hard to fake. Or soft to fake.
 Izabelly Ferraz seems to encounter self-doubt at one point in Scene 2. Where her straight counterpart might say, "Aiii!!" this picture captures her saying, "Aiii?"
 In five scenes, only Bianca Andrade and Esmerelda Dias are able to complete the mission. But are they truly happy?
In this movie there is only 40 percent mutual money shots. Can we do better? Si se puede! Or Si nos podemos!
Previously: Industry fearful of Brazil twink dominance; Extremis duae; God Bless the Trannies
See also: Juicy EntertainmentLabels: brazil, latin, minireview, new porn daily, transsexual
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, May 06, 2008--
Seis de Mayo: Shame and redemption
 The first thing one thinks when confronted with Wicked's new Latina Hollywood Hookers is, "Well Duh. You think there's Latina hookers in Glendale? It would be a step up to have Latina hookers in Glendale."
On that subject: Irvine Robbins R.I.P., whose first ice cream store was in Glendale. Mourn ya 'til I join ya (pours Friendly's Fribble on grave).
After the triumph of Cinco de Mayo we are faced with harsh realities: some Latinas turn to prostitution. Luckily the "hookers" of the title are not streetwalkers but classy call girls with phone numbers, credit at a florist, and their own couches.
Demi Delia is the head of this escort agency but, striving to stay close to her roots, also sees select clients. One is Ben English.
 In the first scene, English and Delia offer a valuable service to consumers, providing an example of the small talk and protocol characteristic of a session with an escort: he places the money on the table, she pretends to have missed him since the last time, and then they get down to it.
The only inaccuracy was that they kissed each other. That Wicked requires condoms made for more authenticity. If a hooker does not require a condom, you should run (unless you are only there to strangle her, in which case you should reconsider and go to Baskin Robbins).
 The second scene is even more authentic in its awkwardness. Tommy Gunn forgets to pay Sienna West until she prompts him with something legally innocuous, just in case he is a cop:
"Do you want to take care of business?"
Sienna West utters not one "Ay, Papi" throughout the scene, but she does imply she is a Latina by asking, "So do you like to fuck Latinas?"
 Daisy is a massage therapist in the next scene, and Randy Spears tells her that her "money is over there."
 Nick Manning plays a serial whoremonger in his scene with Cassandra Cruz. She asks if he has seen women from the agency before.
"All of them," he says. "And none of them can keep up with me."
 Finally, Alex Sanders and Dick Delaware sign on for Maya Gates. "You know it will cost you a little more?" asks Delia in the phone interview.
I found this scene the most verdad of all of them. The conversation was stilted and Cruz knew very little English. In fact, it was less like a porn scene and more like a hard-hitting HBO documentary, with poignant human drama everywhere you looked.
 One bit of dialogue I would have liked to see was:
"You sure you're not a cop?"
"You sure you're not Armenian?"
Wicked has done a great public service in releasing this prostitute primer. Still, I can't help thinking that if these women had been white, they would have been called "escorts."
Previously: Hookers And Blow
See also: WickedLabels: daisy marie, demi delia, latin, minireview, new porn daily, Nick Manning, prosties, randy spears, Tommy Gunn, wicked
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, March 05, 2008--
Girls Loving Girls (but filmed by girl-loving guys)
 Just today I learned definitively, despite the direct and contradicting quote from its star, that the story behind a celebrity sex tape I'd reviewed was a fib.
"Does the story even matter?" sputtered the celebrity's handlers.
"Yes, in that people will buy an otherwise unremarkable DVD because of the story you used to sell it," I said.
Recent porn stories have paralleled mainstream incidents of fraudulent behavior, and in each case the person caught in the falsehood will downplay it by saying that the context doesn't matter, just the content.
If that is so, then why tell the story in the first place?
Guest reviewer Larry Smathers reviewed Abby Winters' Girls Loving Girls. After meeting the delicious Abby Winters girls in January, I got a lot of comments and e-mail about how Abby Winters doesn't and never did exist, despite a backstory about Winters the porn-positive female photographer who wanted to make a difference.
That the company is run by a guy does not take away from the fact that "Abby Winters" has a good thing going, so the question remains: Why tell the lie in the first place?
Because, you know, if people buy the product based on the false story you tell to sell it, you're committing fraud.
Read the review here.
Previously: Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls
See also: Abby WintersLabels: abby winters, australia, larry smathers, minireview, porn lesbians
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, February 20, 2008--
Hookers And Blow: An important film
 Joe's hooker addiction is interfering with his drug habit.
I know some people consider "Hair" or "Dirty Dancing" to be their generation's movies, but not until Brandon Iron's Hookers And Blow did I find a film about my life.
See the review here.
Previously: "This girl is half his age."Labels: brandon iron, las drogas, minireview, new porn daily, wendy west
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, January 23, 2008--
What I learned from hentai (first in a series)
 - Rape is OK if the rapist is a goblin.
- Note to self: Get more tentacles.
- When tentacles are unavailable, use snakes.
- Explain everything as it is happening, then explain it again. ("You are fucking my holes. That went in my holes.")
Read a mini-review of The Night When Evil Falls (volume 1) here.
Previously: Meet Maria Ozawa
See also: Adult Source MediaLabels: hentai, japan, minireview, tentacles
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, January 03, 2008--
Stoya's architecture
 Because I am a product of the American South, I begin each New Year with a ham, coleslaw, and blackeyed peas dinner. This means that, around January 3, I am eating ham sandwiches.
I was in a sandwich state of mind when I watched Stoya's first POV movie, but I was also very happy that the ridiculous biographies that accompany Digital Playground acquisitions (Stoya is their new contract girl) seemed out of place with Stoya. It was as if the steveporn princeling had written hers.
Read the review here.
Previously: Seen here last: Today's Domme Stoya
See also: Digital PlaygroundLabels: minireview, stoya
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, November 28, 2007--
Porn channels Gary Numan or: Here in my Carmen Hart, I feel safest of all
 This is what I'm not saying: I hate couple's porn.
What I am saying is that a lot of couples' porn seems to scale back on the sex I find eye-catching (e.g.: sex with beings from realms where Euclidean geometry is an abomination) while filling the new space with the type of vapid pro-sex moralizing that preaches to the converted.
That said, I would watch Carmen Hart do anything, including eat a piece of pie, which she does in David Stanley's fun Pleasure Principle.
Read the mini-review (a new feature!) here.
Previously: Carmen Hart before the wickedness; The More the Merrier
See also: Wicked, Gary Numan's "Pleasure Principle"Labels: carmen hart, couples, david stanley, directors, lovecraft, minireview
posted by Gram the Man
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