| --Tuesday, October 07, 2008--
Today in porn swag: Pirates 2
 Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge arrived today in a simple cardboard box with a four-disc Extended Edition of the movie (spoiler: Katsuni plays the Mouth of Sauron), a hat, and a t-shirt.
Can I imagine rolling in my 6-4 down to Orange Julius with my Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge hat and my Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge t-shirt with Jesse Jane on the back? You know I can.
The fact that I wear Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge-branded clothing lets passersby know that I have had sex with each person depicted on that shirt, and that our carnal shouts drowned out the banging Grandma made on the floor with her cane.
Also in this picture is Loaded Digital's Surrender the Booty, which rips off the Pirates 2 cover in the same way that Pirates ripped off Pirates of the Caribbean. Luckily the porn world cares as much for nuisance lawsuits as it does for intellectual property.
I wonder if Vivid-steve is going to rip off the Surrender the Booty cover with its upcoming Alt Pirit Bodays Fukking LOL.
Watch Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge
Buy Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2: Expensive Joonetang!; Yesterday in porn swag
See also: Digital PlaygroundLabels: Digital Playground, geekery, jesse jane, katsuni, metro, swag
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, July 18, 2008--
Gianna admits assault
 Phat Ass Tits 5 is an example of how, in porn, the word for one body part can be used as the adjective that modifies another. But it's a colloquial thing that requires knowledge of the language one is manipulating. One would never say "She has a big tit ass," for example.
Anyway, director Anton Slayer asks Gianna what was the weirdest thing she had ever done with her 36DD natural breasts. Before she goes into porn star mode and says, "I like sliding a cock between them," she says, "I've knocked a couple of fucking guys in the head with them."
I bet they have yet to recover. Still, what a way to go.
Previously: Today's kung-fu grip
See also: MetroLabels: anton slayer, boobs, gianna, metro, new porn daily
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, December 18, 2007--
It's what's for dinner
 Naturally, I thought Cum on Her Chops was about marination innovations for certain cuts of beef. Turns out it is a two-year-old European movie* just released recently in the United States.
You can be sure this was not the original title of this movie, as Europeans don't use 30's American gangster language. If that was the case, Chin Music would have been a much better title.
Here at Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Yurt, Brasserie, Catacombs, and Helipad, we have come to terms with certain conventions, like the necessity of a facial popshot as the punctuation that ends a scene of gentle lovemaking. Yet the boxcover of this movie pretends that sort of thing is optional:
"European girls have no inhibitions! Brunette beauty Susanne Brend is joined by 5 other cuties (all natural breasts!) who all love to finish their sex scenes with a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face!"
I imagine the conversation going thusly:
Director: We're about to end the scene. Would you like to end it with a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face, a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face, or a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face?
Susanne: I think I'd like to mix it up a little with a big hot sticky shot of jizz right in the face. 23 skidoo!
Previously: Cum Drunk Love; Cum Greed
See also: Metro
*It was produced two years ago - it doesn't feature two-year-olds.Labels: Europe, metro, new porn daily
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, October 29, 2007--
Girls Handling Cocks for President
 ...or: Cock the Vote
I don't know about you, but for me each day is a search for meaning.
"Who can I trust? What is truth?" etc.
As if mailed personally by the Intelligent Designer, Girls Handling Cocks was squeezed through the mail slot of Gram Ponante Towers, Quarry, Centrifuge, and Haberdashery today, featuring a cast of people I've never heard of, including Zanza Raggi and Veronica Vanoza, from a country that has only existed recently.
"They look like innocent little sweethearts. But despite their cute looking faces and their tight young bodies...They know how to handle a big and hard cock. See what they do best..." I recently watched Dave Navarro's Broken, and I was like: Good movie, but what the hell does broken mean? Now, Girls Handling Cocks - I know what to expect.
If only our presidential candidates could be so forthcoming.
I understand that a compilation from the Czech Republic, or Macedonia, or wherever, featuring no U.S. citizens, couldn't possibly be elected President in these intolerant times. That is why when Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitt Romney come to California or your state within the next few months (unless you're from Alaska, Hawaii, Maine, or Alabama), you must ask them, "How is your candidacy like Girls Handling Cocks?"
Previously: Triple threats prove truth in advertising; Whores Don't Wear Panties
See also: Metro InteractiveLabels: compilation, foreign, metro, new porn daily, politics
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, September 26, 2007--
No Man's Land: White Man's Burden
 I visited the set of David Aaron Clark's No Man's Land: Asian Edition 6 this weekend. The film stars Lana Croft, Ange Venus, Jandi, and Kitty. I brought a videographer friend of mine for whom this was her first time attending a porn shoot.
She threw up on the way. Twice.
"I drank a lot last night," she explained, but I remember feeling a little jittery the first time I watched Asians having sex (it happened in Science class).
The first porn set I ever attended was also an Asian picture (Whoriental Sex Academy 4, starring Mika Tan), so it was as if a circle closed in my august porn career by bringing my vomitous friend.
Afterward, she said, "Everybody was so nice; I guess I just didn't expect people to be walking around naked."
Read more after the gap.
The house in Encino looked like The Love Boat without the calming presence of Gavin MacLeod. It was a massive and ornate building, this rental, and, though I am no Howard Roark, my sense of design was offended. But it was perfect for the Porn of Manners film Clark was shooting inside, which required interpretive dance and multiple tableaux.
The setup was this: Lana Croft sits in the middle of the floor reading a Michael Manning manga that comes to life in front of her. Ange Venus is attended by Jandi and Kitty, the latter two wearing no shoes as they minister to Venus, who towers above them on her heels.
 After Venus appears behind a column and totters seductively toward Croft, all the while doing a sultry dance, Jandi and Kitty appear to relieve her of her garments.
"You are removing the cloak from the queen, as it were," Clark tells them. Clark has directed numerous Asian titles and was recently named an honorary Asian by the Lakota Sioux. Like me, he is a so-called white man.
 Clark makes fetish movies for fetishists; he is not punching the clock and delivering an Asian movie that might be a badonkadonk movie but for the presence of Asian talent rather than bubble-butt wielding sistahs. He has Venus redo her steps several times to perfect the effect.
The BDSM firecracker Aiden Starr is today the costume department. As Kitty walks by in a jangle of necklaces and beads, asking if she can adjust them, Starr replies that they'll just fall off when she starts fucking, anyway. It's good to have someone on set who knows her way around porn jewelry.
Sadly, Starr is not performing herself. It is not the first time I wished she were Asian.
Croft puts down her book and watches Kitty and Jandi go to work on Venus.
There are about 12 caucasians on the set watching this ritualized exchange between these four Pan-Asian women doing a dance of Clark's whimsy.
I asked Croft if she was more often stereotyped as a geisha or a schoolgirl.
"Definitely schoolgirl," she said, "though I'm more outgoing."
Later, Croft lies on the star in the middle of the floor. It looks freezing. Still, it makes me sad that the dentist who lives here will someday sully Croft's buttock prints with her slippers.
Would Captain Stubing be so heedless? No, he would not.
See a gallery here.
Previously: The World is your Royster; Legend of the Oriental Love Motel!; Team Hardcore on the move!
See also: David Aaron Clark, MetroLabels: "david aaron clark", "set visits", ange venus, asian, lana croft, metro
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, August 23, 2007--
Dana Vespoli from 2004 - just because
 I am not the gadabout your cards, letters, and offers of timeshares suggest. I am still prone to say "Who is that?" about someone who has been in the business for several years.
The dangerous Dana Vespoli reminds me of a post-apocalyptic Phoebe Cates in this excellent scene from Pat Myne's Ass Slaves 2, included on his recent X-Rated compilation. I have never wanted to go beyond Thunderdome so much.
Previously: X-Rated review; Today in porn swag
See also: MetroLabels: because, dana vespoli, directors, metro, pat myne, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, June 07, 2007--
Working up the enthusiasm with Gabriela Banks
 This is a tough business. It is tough because it is often tedious, even as those who don't get porn for free and who don't get paid to have sex are reasonably jealous of the people who do.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think the grass is greener selling overpriced boba drinks to people with Bluetooth headsets, but one's heart can't be in any job 100 percent of the time.
Above, we see a still from Ethnicity Films' Craving Chocolate (it's an interracial title, not a plumper title) featuring Gabriela Banks and Byron Long. In porn terms, a still is a posed shot that is snapped after the action it depicts has taken place. So Banks and Long recreated this pose for the still photographer.
I have met Banks and she seems like a lovely person. But the difference in enthusiasm level between the live shots and the posed shots is striking. They reveal an interior monologue that can only be imagined. I have tried to recreate that interior monologue below.
 "Turkey, ham, some Fruit Roll-Ups, 1 percent milk. 2 percent? Should I get 2 percent? If they only have 2 percent I'll buy it. But not skim. That stuff tastes like ass. Hey! I'm being fucked in the ass!"
 "I can tell they only put one coat of paint there by the baseboards. If you look really closely you can see that it's not as solid as up by the window. They should really put some low tables there to draw the eye away. It looks kind of bad because the paint layers should be consistent throughout. Now one layer abuts two layers. I wouldn't do - Hey! I'm getting fucked in the butt!"
"I'm a leopard stalking my prey on the dusty veldt. Is a veldt dusty? Do leopards live there? I just saw 'veldt' in a magazine. Was it at the dentist's? Jesus Christ, that hygienist was thorough. I don't think I've had a cleaning that comprehensive in five years. My gums hurt. I should really make a commitment to flossing. I hate people who just floss in front of you. That's such a Hollywood thing to do. Those people are vain and anal. Hey! ..."
Previously: Holliday at the Car Wash; Reverse Bukkake 2; Opportunity Cucks (fleshbot)
See also: MetroLabels: because, dvd, gabriela banks, metro, redheads
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, April 02, 2007--
Today in porn swag
 I am a relative newcomer to the world of porn journalism, but I have seen my share of free promotional items, and Metro Fusxion's gift bag in support of Pat Myne's X-Rated both conforms to porn swag standards and exceeds them.
X-Rated has 15 hardcore scenes in it; seven originals which were shot over the past year, including vignettes featuring sweet, dirty, in a family way Missy Monroe, Sandra Romain, and Jada Fire, and eight additional scenes which had been nominated for various AVN awards.
The reason for the push is that X-Rated marks either Myne's 100th or 97th title for Fusxion, an imprint he was instrumental in starting. I was stunned to find in my scrupulous and independent research that there is not a single American movie either on the Internet Movie Database or on the Internet Adult Film Database that is simply titled X-Rated.
After my research, I rested for three or four days.
I asked Myne if he would continue the series, but he said that this movie would be one of his last for Metro. He is stepping up work for another company, Third Degree Films.
You might remember Axel Braun's similarly iconic X a few years ago, as well as Apple's Operating System of the same name. Both are, to varying degrees, reliable sources of porn.
But back to the swag.
Perhaps you remember the tremendous amount of money spent on Sacred Sin, including a party at Eddie Van Halen's house (with a performance by same) and a swag box containing a watch and other goodies.
The Sacred Sin party was off the chart, frankly; it was an abomination. If Sacred Sin were a 15th century European explorer and the porn industry the remote island natives upon whose shores Sacred Sin washed up, the natives would first believe Sacred Sin was a god and then, in their low opinion of themselves, need to slaughter it.
Corruption also sponsored a party and its swag box included a butt plug and a nip bottle of Krol vodka, which was for about two weeks the official alcohol sponsor of the adult industry (I believe they realized their mistake).
The Britney Rears gift boxes were a hodgepodge of stuff people wanted to get out of their warehouses, as well as a nip bottle of Sutter Home (because, you know, wine is classy) for BR1 or Krol Vodka for BR3 (because, you know, Krol was free).
So in that the X-Rated swag, like the others, included a deluxe version of the movie, X-Rated also provided a limited edition signed copy, with a certificate of authenticity.
A co-worker in my office, who does not work in porn, said, "They should have signed it with splooge."
"You infant," I said. "We no longer say splooge."
If you can prove you represent a worthy charitable organization I will gladly donate this movie to your cause after I watch it; because a signed copy of a porn movie - good as it might be - doesn't have value for me. The gesture is valuable, however
Another in the X-Rated swag bag was a pair of sunglasses. This, I believe, satisfies the same role as the lollipop in the Britney Rears box or the butt plug in the Corruption package; I don't believe I will ever use them. This might be because I already wear glasses (there are far more compelling reasons to have not utilized the other products).
The final item provided by X-Rated blew everyone else away. Neither a nip nor a fifth, but instead a huge bottle of something resembling the "urban" liquer Hypnotiq was included in the gift box, which smelled like an Easter basket.
You're damn right I accept gifts from advertisers; anyone who writes about this business who doesn't is really doing something wrong. That said, gifts do not influence my reviews or opinions. But I am not some kind of monster; when I review X-Rated in a few days, I believe I at least owe it to the producers, for their effort, hospitality, and kindness, to be drunk.
Previously: Dreaming of Snow and Heidi Ho; What to say if your load is soupy
See also: MetroLabels: alcohol, directors, dvd, metro
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, March 23, 2007--
Paige Turner reminds me of Daisy Buchanan
 Paige Turner (get it?) stars in BadAss Pictures' Virgin Patrol 3. Virgin Patrols, as you know, are a provision of the USA PATRIOT Act and are now being, as patrols always are, "stepped up".
Bob Seger wrote a song called "Turn the Page" which deals with the loneliness of the road-bound performer:
Well, you walk into a restaurant
Strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you
As you're shaking off the cold I feel this way walking into certain bars in Glendale, except it's never cold here.
Compare Seger's lament to this passage from "The Great Gatsby":
“We don’t know each other very well, Nick,” she said suddenly. “Even if we are cousins. You didn’t come to my wedding.” “I wasn’t back from the war.” “That’s true.” She hesitated. “Well, I’ve had a very bad time, Nick, and I’m pretty cynical about everything.”
What does this have to do with Virgin Patrol 3? Well, nothing. Paige Turner plays a cheerleader. There's no connection. It would be silly to look for one.
Previously: Way up firm and high on Cahuenga Blvd.
See also: Badass Pictures, "The Great Gatsby" online, Bob Seger
Labels: because, dvd, geekery, metro
posted by Gram the Man
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--Sunday, January 28, 2007--
Dreaming of Snow and Heidi Ho
 David Aaron Clark's Dreaming of Snow, a two-disc compilation of scenes he shot here and there from as far back as 2002, is an excellent way of getting acclimated to his particular style, which seems to bridge the gap between 70's movie theatre porn from New York and San Francisco and today's by-the-numbers gonzo fare.
If you weren't really into Asian women before, like this guy, you will be after Dreaming of Snow.
But don't take my word for it - take David Aaron Clark's!
I have the feeling you're skimming. I appreciate the good intentions but there's a rush to judgment here .... it's like you're trying too hard to sell what a great guy I am as opposed to actually describing the movie. lol The "lol" is the closest Clark will get to actually being a Japanese girl. BTW, that is Kylie Rey in Clark's apartment making a sundae of herself, not Heidi Ho. But if you had the chance to use Heidi Ho in a headline, you would.
Read the review here.
Previously: Tia Tanaka and the balance of power; Dreaming of Blondes
See also: David Aaron Clark, Metro
Other DAC-related news: A Twisted Tale (sfweekly.com)Labels: "david aaron clark", asian, dvds, metro, reviews
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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