| --Tuesday, April 29, 2008--
Remember a Tranny on Mother's Day
 The accepted way for your hi-larious officemate to make fun of a porn movie is to add a ridiculously high number to a wacky title that probably already exists.
"My neighbor's wife should be in My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla 48," he'll say. You will then check your watch and accurately predict that Blackzilla will work his way up to that number sometime in August.
But now and then a title that is too weird to be fake will show up, and we look around for telltale signs of the Apocalypse: not wishing Clinton was back in office, etc.
The porn industry, as anyone working within it will tell you, does a remarkable job of self-policing. Not only are there mandatory HIV tests, the results of which are available to anyone on set, but also the redundant forms of identity documentation required for 2257 compliance.
Why, then, does no one ever ask a performer in a MILF movie Have you ever given birth to a child?
The last straw came today when a copy of Transsexual MILFS 3 arrived. What they mean to say is Old Trannies, but instead they have sullied the sacred role of porn motherhood by populating a movie teeming with elderly transgendered Brazilian men and calling it a MILF movie.
Now if these men had fathered children at one point, they could have the -ILF ending but a new first letter would have to be applied.
I spoke with Loup Perch-Tounge, chairman of the International Porn Standards Office based in Van Nuys.
"I can assure you that none of these women packs her kids off to school with a nice, hot lunch," he said.
Previously: Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
See also: Juicy EntertainmentLabels: loup, MILF, new porn daily, the horror, transsexual
posted by Gram the Man
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--Sunday, December 02, 2007--
News Analysis: Porn personnel 8 percent of Dumb Hollywood
 People associated with porn comprise less than ten percent of Hollywood's 50 Dumbest People, according to a recent survey published in the New York Daily News, but porn's boosters see their inclusion as a victory.
Kim Kardashian, Tom Sizemore, and Dustin Diamond, all of whom have released sex tapes (sort of), and "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis were each singled out for his or her poor choices and behavior.
While Sizemore and Francis were voted numbers 49 and 50, and Diamond was solidly in the middle of the list, Kardashian was ranked as the second dumbest person in Hollywood, after Lindsay Lohan.
"Sizemore and Francis could be construed as Hollywood's 75,611th and 75,612th smartest people, based on the recent census, but Kardashian's berth at #2 Dumbest is clearly a milestonic achievement in porn's acceptance in mainstream culture," said Loup Perch-Tounge, chairman of adult industry thinktank The Creampie Group.
"It takes some effort to be dumber than Kevin Federline," he noted.
Still, a number of porn luminaries are grousing that they were unfairly overlooked.
"I have been in this business for decades," said one director. "I even sent the Daily News the script to my last production. And nothing? They give me nothing?"
Indeed, entertainment sociologists point out that porn performers must be extra dumb in order to be considered among Tinseltown's least stupid, due to porn's small population relative to that of mainstream Hollywood.
"Indeed," said Gram Ponante, repeating the word "indeed", "pornfolk lose out not because they haven't done tremendously stupid things, but because the rest of the world doesn't pay them the attention they think it does. You can be the stupidest person in the world but if your movie only sells 740 copies, no one will ever know how stupid you really are."
Perch-Tounge has high hopes for 2008. "I want us to be in the double digits of dumb next year," he said, holding up a button with words to that effect. "I hear some people are coming out of retirement."
Previously: Sizemore, Hilton, Mikayla, and Death; Screeched; Francis sued again in sex for shirts scandal
See also: Daily News Lists Top 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood (nydailynews)Labels: loup, news
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, November 16, 2007--
Male Performer of the Year*
 As a nation is reflected in its pornography, so does its pornography draw from the society that creates it. That is why the country's ultimate arbiter of porn standards, The San Fernando Valley Gaping Collaborative, has decided to place an asterisk next to the award listing of any male porn performer who has used erection enhancing drugs.
"It is time," said Collaborative Interim President Loup Perch-Tounge.
With Home Run record holder Barry Bonds facing an asterisked entry in his likely Baseball Hall of Fame induction, everyone from many of the last several years of AVN Male Performers of the Year to the XRCO's Unsung Woodsmen to the nominees in any of the 40 other adult award shows planned for next year face a qualifying mark after their name.
Veteran porn dude Kyle Stone lauded the measure. "First it was a skill," he said. "Now it's a pill."
The august SFVGC was itself embroiled in scandal this summer when it was learned that president Gram Ponante used Viagra while typing.
"I needed my hands to point and wildly gesticulate," he said at his resignation.
Male performers found to have been under the influence of drugs like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, Caverject, Caverjet, Cavetol, or "coke dick" while submitting award-winning performances will have their Hall of Fame entries amended and be required to coordinate with their states' Departments of Motor Vehicles to add asterisks to their SWRDFTR license plates.
Several performers, such as Dick Rage, vowed to withdraw their names from the rolls of an awarding body if they had to submit to asterisks.
"It's like you're asking Sherlock Holmes to detect without heroin, Coleridge to write without cocaine, or Our Lord Jesus Christ to commit miracles without the Holy Spirit," he said. "I mean, have you seen Iphigenia Squirtz lately?"
See also: New copy of XBiz World contains mousepad; Industry shocker: AVN redesign doesn't look like ass; Caverject makes women grow; Gargantuan cock public toiletLabels: business, legal, loup
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, September 03, 2007--
Analingus Blumpkinhead
 Loup visited the set of Bedwetting Puppeteers and found that his levelheadedness and wit saved the day.
Read the story here.
Previously: Meeting Loup and the Goo Goblins;Labels: "set visits", literature, loup
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, August 31, 2007--
Bedwetting Puppeteers
 Loup visited the set of Bedwetting Puppeteers and found that his levelheadedness and wit saved the day.
Read the story here.
Previously: Meeting Loup and the Goo Goblins
Labels: "set visits", literature, loup
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, August 30, 2007--
Goo Goblins 12
 I will be taking some time off as my family increases, and so will leave you in the capable hands of Loup Perch-Tounge, who is a character created out of every self-important porn writer I have met in my lucky association with this business.
Loup puts himself in the story, uses words like "aforementioned", and is generally a buffoon, faced with the unenviable task of treating seriously something that shouldn't be, and then convincing himself that he should be taken seriously, too.
Loup wrote a series of stories in 2003 about fictitious porn sets he'd visited, and the positive impact he'd had thereupon. I swear on Viper that Loup is not based on anyone currently alive.
Read his coverage of Goo Goblins 12 here.Labels: "set visits", literature, loup
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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The accepted way for your hi-larious officemate to make fun of a porn movie is to add a ridiculously high number to a wacky title that probably already exists.
