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Monday, December 29, 2008
Out of frame with Eva Dior
 First the most important thing: For the next eight days the Porn Valley talent agency ATM-LA will be charging a paltry $900 for Boy/Girl scenes. This is a substantial discount from the going rate and addresses the traditional work slowdown between Christmas and the beginning of the AVN convention in January.So, for example, the likes of Sarah Shine, Tyla Wynn, and Kenzie Marie can be, as they say, "had" for 10 percent off what these delicious treats on legs expect from Martin Luther King Jr. Day all the way through the Advent calendar. I assume that this $900 doesn't cover anal, however. Now on to the trenchant observations you've come to expect from this site in lieu of news substitutes and poorly-written press releases: Eva Dior. Dios mio. The middle picture reminds me of "all those nooks and crannies to hold the melted butter" that is the hallmark of Thomas's English Muffins. But just as I'm deeply concerned about what can go on and inside Eva Dior, each picture of her leaves open to the imagination what is happening just outside the frame, perhaps standing near the couch, suggesting her every move. I consulted GramPonante.com Spirit World emissary Nostrilingus and he said there were a host of things just beyond our terrestrial/mortal view, including: 
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Lori Lust Agency explodes, survivor writes press release; The Once And Future Lenora Dulce; Mapquesting Mahlia Milan's mixed messages See also: ATM Agency Labels: agency, eva dior, geekery, kenzie marie, latin, lovecraft, new talent, sarah shine, tyla wynn, WGL ¶ Monday, December 29, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post 
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Setimo de Maio: Tranny monopoly
 We've seen that Latinas must bear the shame of being called hookers when they are actually escorts, but today we look at an area where Latinas and Latinos have achieved primacy: the world of transsexual porn.Why is it that Brazilians make up the bulk of the transsexual porn community? I asked International Olympic Committee Chairman Jacques Rogge. "I don't know," he did not say. "How would I know such a thing?" "All right," I said. "How come trannies always seem to have tan lines?" "To make their breasts look bigger?" he didn't suggest.  Brazilian Carla Renata grunts sweet Portuguese nothings to the be-condomed gentleman in the first scene of Double-D Trannies, holding her flaccid penis like a Capri cigarette. Watch enough tranny movies and you see a pattern: the trannies themselves rarely get off. You'd never know that the percentage of not getting off is much higher for women in straight porn movies, but with trannies that sort of thing is hard to fake. Or soft to fake.  Izabelly Ferraz seems to encounter self-doubt at one point in Scene 2. Where her straight counterpart might say, "Aiii!!" this picture captures her saying, "Aiii?" In five scenes, only Bianca Andrade and Esmerelda Dias are able to complete the mission. But are they truly happy? In this movie there is only 40 percent mutual money shots. Can we do better? Si se puede! Or Si nos podemos!  Previously: Industry fearful of Brazil twink dominance; Extremis duae; God Bless the Trannies See also: Juicy Entertainment Labels: brazil, latin, minireview, new porn daily, transsexual ¶ Wednesday, May 07, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Seis de Mayo: Shame and redemption
 The first thing one thinks when confronted with Wicked's new Latina Hollywood Hookers is, "Well Duh. You think there's Latina hookers in Glendale? It would be a step up to have Latina hookers in Glendale."On that subject: Irvine Robbins R.I.P., whose first ice cream store was in Glendale. Mourn ya 'til I join ya (pours Friendly's Fribble on grave). After the triumph of Cinco de Mayo we are faced with harsh realities: some Latinas turn to prostitution. Luckily the "hookers" of the title are not streetwalkers but classy call girls with phone numbers, credit at a florist, and their own couches. Demi Delia is the head of this escort agency but, striving to stay close to her roots, also sees select clients. One is Ben English.  In the first scene, English and Delia offer a valuable service to consumers, providing an example of the small talk and protocol characteristic of a session with an escort: he places the money on the table, she pretends to have missed him since the last time, and then they get down to it.The only inaccuracy was that they kissed each other. That Wicked requires condoms made for more authenticity. If a hooker does not require a condom, you should run (unless you are only there to strangle her, in which case you should reconsider and go to Baskin Robbins).  The second scene is even more authentic in its awkwardness. Tommy Gunn forgets to pay Sienna West until she prompts him with something legally innocuous, just in case he is a cop:"Do you want to take care of business?" Sienna West utters not one "Ay, Papi" throughout the scene, but she does imply she is a Latina by asking, "So do you like to fuck Latinas?"  Daisy is a massage therapist in the next scene, and Randy Spears tells her that her "money is over there." Nick Manning plays a serial whoremonger in his scene with Cassandra Cruz. She asks if he has seen women from the agency before."All of them," he says. "And none of them can keep up with me."  Finally, Alex Sanders and Dick Delaware sign on for Maya Gates. "You know it will cost you a little more?" asks Delia in the phone interview.I found this scene the most verdad of all of them. The conversation was stilted and Cruz knew very little English. In fact, it was less like a porn scene and more like a hard-hitting HBO documentary, with poignant human drama everywhere you looked.  One bit of dialogue I would have liked to see was:"You sure you're not a cop?" "You sure you're not Armenian?" Wicked has done a great public service in releasing this prostitute primer. Still, I can't help thinking that if these women had been white, they would have been called "escorts." Previously: Hookers And Blow See also: Wicked Labels: daisy marie, demi delia, latin, minireview, new porn daily, Nick Manning, prosties, randy spears, Tommy Gunn, wicked ¶ Tuesday, May 06, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, May 05, 2008
Cinco de Mayo: "I'll let you see my bewbs"
 Growing up in my small Zacatecan village, I never thought I would be so assimilated that I would prefer Taco Bell chalupas to the bacon-wrapped hot dogs served from dubious carts on the narrow streets of my childhood. That is why I turn to porn for authenticity and have been saving Hustler's Little Latina Cum Queens ("these hot & spicy senoritas love to get covered in cum!") for today, el Cinco de Mayo, since I can't return to mi tio's banana boat and hear the the soft dobro playing of mis abuelas in the shade of the guarana tree, the sounds of revoluccion echoing through the arroyos, the hijos living in fear of la chupacabra, and the vindication of our village when Zorro liberated us from los banditos.OK, I'm not from Mexico.  But if I were, I would still wonder why cover girl Renae Cruz says not so much as an "Ay Papi" in this movie and Veronique Vega ("I'll let you see my bewbs") sounds more like a San Fernando Valley girl than an (insert name of valley in Mexico because I'm too lazy to go back to Wikipedia again here) girl. What's worse is that Laurie Vargas subjects herself to the fakest popshot I have ever seen. Generalissimo Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin did not defeat the French at Puebla so we could have fake popshots.Previously: Kayden Kross representing the luchadores; Renae Cruz hedges her bets See also: Hustler Labels: latin, new porn daily, Renae Cruz, veronique vega ¶ Monday, May 05, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Kayden Kross representing the Luchadores
 Kayden Kross works on her fingering and footwork on the set of Rollerdollz.I'm not sure why people give the finger to the camera, but I don't think Sacramento's Kayden Kross means it. I just don't think she was brought up that way. She was doing what she thought I wanted. "I don't want that at all, Kayden Kross," I wanted to tell her. "I want you to just be."  But I didn't tell her this, and because of my complacency she's probably out giving the finger to Shriners.Previously: Bree Olson's future planning; Ava Rose: It's what's for dinner; It needs to stop See also: Adam & Eve Labels: "adam and eve", "set visits", finger, Kayden Kross, latin, sacramento, WGL ¶ Wednesday, April 02, 2008 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, March 21, 2008
Young Hollywood and the birth of the United States
 HBO's "John Adams" miniseries is pretty compelling, though it inaccurately places the man who would become our second President at the scene of the Boston Massacre. Tom Wilkinson is brilliant as Ben Franklin, David Morse engaging as George Washington, the guy from "Oz" excellent as the guy from Pennsylvania, Laura Linney wonderful as Abigail Adams, and Paul Giamatti way better than he was in that god-awful pool movie with Opie's daughter.As I sat at home considering these things a thought came to me: "I have to go take another picture of Adrianna Nicole in a parking lot." My collection of pictures of Adrianna Nicole in parking lots is among the major achievements of my career as America's Beloved Porn Journalist. Tonight, while I watched John Adams wrestle with Philadelphia's horrible plague of dysentery in the summer of 1776, I knew that one of the freedoms guaranteed by Adams and the founders was manifested in Carlos Batts' Young Hollywood, in which Nicole has sex by venetian blinds. "Yeah, man," Batts said. "Adrianna's a trip."  The party was at Safari Sam's on Sunset Blvd. Guests listened to live music from bands featured in Young Hollywood and Batts' next movie, Kiss Attack, including a set from Batts' friends from Baltimore, Dirt & Bank."Yeah, man, "Batts said. "Dirt & Bank are a trip." Mandy Morbid proved that her default setting is winsome as she posed with Pride of Oregon Kimberly Kane. Kane, who is Young Hollywood's boxcover model, has yet to see the movie.  "You should," I said. "You're really naked in it.""I see all my movies," Morbid said. "I've only been in one." Because of "John Adams", I'd missed the bands. Apparently Glenn Danzig was there, as his yard had been used for Mandy Morbid's car-top tryst with Lystra, or trystra. But I didn't see him. "He was standing about one millimeter away from you," Batts told me. (Danzig is kind of short; Mika Tan told me this.)  A drunk and vaguely surly Benny Profane was on stage. He played Martin van Buren in the Adams movie. I saw Clown Porn's Dick Chibbles and Daisy Layne."Why clowns?" I probed. "People having sex is funny," Chibbles said (he lives in San Diego). "Clowns having sex is funnier." Actually, clowns having sex is horrifying. But not more than the atrocities committed by the British in its colonies, or what the Sons of Liberty regularly did to the Crown's tax collectors.  Also on hand were performer Van Damage and his wife, let's call her Cynthia Damage. I approve of this marriage."My girlfriend brought me to a swinger's party and I just found myself blowing him," she said, echoing Martha Washington.  Off in a corner representing Los Angeles were April Flores and her friend, La Cholita. Flores did much of the behind the scenes work in Young Hollywood and stars in Kiss Attack, where she leads a fleshy vampire army. How La Cholita figures into this I'm still unsure, but I'm glad she does."Looking good is being deadly," La Cholita said.  As I was about to leave, a parking lot materialized around Adrianna Nicole for her photo opportunity. It made me think of the tax collector in "John Adams"; she looked like she should be tarred and feathered, except not with tar and feathers, if you know what I mean.Read the Young Hollywood review here. Previously: Kiss Attack (but not the Kiss Army) See also: Carlos Batts, Adam & Eve, HBO's "John Adams" Labels: "kimberly kane", adrianna nicole, april flores, carlos batts, daisy layne, dick chibbles, events, la cholita, latin, mandy morbid, pinups, van damage, WGL ¶ Friday, March 21, 2008 2 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Mayhem's sleight of cunt
 I'm not autistic or anything, but I really expected a movie with the title Mexicunts to have a picture of a vagina on the box."But Grams, the vagina is implied," you might say. Well yes, I know that Implied Vaginas are catching on, but I think that if you name a movie Mexicunts it's not subtlety you're looking for. One is left to assume that Mayhem cheated its audience by keeping the cover cunt-free, or that director Jim Powers is actually using the cover to tell us something about Daisy Marie, but I find that hard to believe. I also dislike the word "cunt." I guess I need to accept it, though, in this line of work. Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt. Nope, it still makes me feel bad. The only acceptable use of the word "cunt" is as an adjectival root, like in this scene from The Exorcist. View the Mexicunts 6 trailer here. Previously: Pull my Daisy See also: Mayhem Labels: daisy marie, dvd, geekery, jim powers, latin, mayhem ¶ Tuesday, February 05, 2008 1 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Eye candy from the land of nose candy
 Not that I am not proud of my neighborhood's overwhelming contributions to the pornic arts, but it's important to see porn that is shot elsewhere, like Riverside County, County Cork, and Peru, to provide much needed perspective.Offset Entertainment is a newish company that visits South America for fresh talent, in addition to shooting wall-to-wall sex titles in the States. A recent trip to Peru yielded the women on the next two pages. Read about shooting porn in Peru after the gap. "It's a different culture down there," said Carlos Villalobos, Offset's founder and a native of Peru now living in Porn valley. "People say they'll show up at 3 and then at 5 they walk in like nothing happened. They say, 'I'm here; it's good.' I have to drive them myself." "That's just like here," I said. "It's worse."  Villalobos maintains an office in Lima, Peru's capital, and works with a growing group of local talent managers."Are the girls hookers?" I asked, because I always substitute "talent manager" for "pimp" on my tax return. "No," he said. "The hooker works differently. We use the type of girls you would find in a bar."  Although hookers frequent bars (at least the ones I patronize), I didn't press this issue. Villalobos stressed that the talent he finds are "local girls who like to model" and that they didn't want the material to be released in Peru in case families and boyfriends get suspicious. "I agreed to that," he said, "because the market for the Latin girls is up here."  Villalobos is El Rey de Porno in Lima, which has a sex industry but not an established porn industry. He says he will live and shoot in a house on Lima's outskirts, the kind with a pool and mountain views that would rent for $1800 a day here, for $350 a week. "I'll come back with four movies," he said, "and the local people are happy to have someone who will pay." That seems like it makes up for girls who are two hours late.  Villalobos' as-yet-untitled Peruvian amateur movie will be released early next year, he said, to complement Offset's other Latina productions like Spanklish and Senoritas in Heat, and he plans to visit Colombia and Chile on future scouting trips.Previously: In the hosue of Perez, there is no underwear; Mercedez' Tower of Terror; Renae Cruz hedges her bets See also: Offset Entertainment Labels: interviews, latin, offset entertainment, south america ¶ Wednesday, December 12, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, October 15, 2007
In the House of Perez, there is no underwear
 Renee Perez is NinnWorx_SR's new contract performer.In House of Perez, her coming out movie for the company, she is all black latex and boots, cavorting with the likes of Charlie Laine, Celeste Star, Georgia Jones, the troubled Sophia Lynn, and Sabrina Rose. I don't know about you, but when I'm wearing a vinyl outfit and being shot with a purple backlight, my nipples get sweaty. I believe Perez must be some kind of auto-cooling robot, or ancient astronaut, or something. You know the types of movies Michael Ninn produces, so here is a little quiz: Which of the following phrases did not appear in the press release?
See also: Ninnworx Labels: "contract girls", geekery, latin, new porn daily, ninnworx, quiz ¶ Monday, October 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Mercedez' Tower of Terror
 LFP's Mr. and Mrs. Smith adaptation featuring Nina Mercedez as a hitwoman employs the same font as California Adventure's Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.Why is this significant? It isn't. But two Latina posts in one day guarantees me a free trip to Adelita's. Previously: Who-ray came first? See also: Tower of Terror, Hustler Labels: disneyland, hustler, latin ¶ Tuesday, July 17, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
"Watch Me Pee" doesn't sound any better in Spanish, but let's get married anyway
 Dimond Jewelz is a Latina porn actress who, according to her handlers, or putadors, has "made several films primarily for the Internet and private viewing." Included in her titles are Dimond in the Rough and Watch Me Pee.It's a big week for Jewelz, who describes herself as "a mello down to earth kind of person" as she is appearing in two mainstream Spanish TV programs, Telemundo's game show "12 Corazones" and its Jerry Spinger knockoff "Jose Luis Sin Censura". (I am not a Spanish speaker, but I assume Jose Luis is Spanish for Jerry Springer.) "12 Corazones" pits six couples against each other for the chance at a dream wedding. Does her fiancee know that Dimond is a porn star? I would hate to think that the show is rigged. And it is a great day for the Latin world, too, apparently: "Producers on both shows admit an adult actress appearing on two Hispanic shows of this status and popularity in the same week is an unprecedented event in worldwide Latino media."I like that the producers had to admit it, as if their natural humility made them reluctant to utter such momentous things. Previously: Renae Cruz hedges her bets; Loca Latina Sluts, v. 2; Gusano Negro See also: Dimond Jewelz Labels: dimond jewelz, latin ¶ Tuesday, July 17, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, June 25, 2007
New Porn Daily: Renae Cruz hedges her bets
 In Slutinas #4, director Juan Cuba confirms the party location with Renae Cruz."Is the fiesta in that ass?" he asks. "Si," she says, and then adds, "and in my mouth." Because today's porn consumer demands authenticity, it's important that in a title named Slutinas that the performers not only speak Spanish but also wear sombreros. Previously: Patrick, Thorn seek to be freakin' with Ricans; Loca Latina Sluts 2 See also: Platinum X Pictures Labels: dvd, latin, new porn daily, platinum x ¶ Monday, June 25, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, May 07, 2007
You can't tell Lorena Sanchez anything when she gets this way
 This was taken on the set of Chatsworth Pictures' Cuckolds 2, surely to become known as the Greatest Film of All Time, surpassing even Jack's Playground 27 and Barbed Wire Kiss.Previously: Easter MILFs and the Fertile Crescent; Lesbians in the Land of Giant Lesbians; Possibly the greatest film of all time; I am the world's greatest porn director See also: Chatsworth Pictures Labels: "chatsworth pictures", "set visits", latin ¶ Monday, May 07, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, January 29, 2007
Patrick, Thorn seekin' to be freakin' with Ricans
 Tera Patrick and Nautica Thorn will be in/on Puerto Rico this weekend for the second annual Sexo Expo, featuring a lingerie contest and an afterparty sponsored by Budweiser.How charming. Budweiser. As you know, Budweiser afterparties are the first halting steps many island commonwealths take toward Freedom. "Latin people are so passionate about sex," Patrick explained. "And ever since I did a girl-girl scene with the fiery Carmen Luvana in Genesis magazine, I have always been extremely curious about Puerto Rico!" According to the CIA's World Factbook, I explained to Tera, Puerto Rico has 3.69% arable land, which would make it difficult for she and Evan to eke out a living on the unforgiving soil. The Sexo Expo sounds like Erotica L.A. or Adultcon but with fewer Hispanics. It also boasts free HIV, Syphilis and Chlamydia tests. The last time I heard, Nautica Thorn was Asian. But she is also partially Puerto Rican. This means her family fitted their spray cans with sumi e brushes. As I typed that last sentence I thought: 1. I am going to be murdered, and 2. I am going to Hell. I would love to go to this event because I am an adopted son of the Spanish-speaking world. Luckily, the two hostesses have formed an amphibious vehicle travel agency called TeraNautica. Previously: Tera runs with motorcycle gang; Nautica Thorn and public transportation; Ricockulous See also: Sexo Expo Labels: "tera patrick", events, latin ¶ Monday, January 29, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
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