Only Handjobs 6 has the distinction of being both a porn movie and a viable excuse one could make to God. "Come on God," one might say, "what I did with the 2002 Arizona Diamondbacks was only handjobs."
One's past porn career has a way of reasserting itself every now and then, and Sophia Lynn, who left the business following some divine intervention, stars in this tribute to manual labor that also features Mikayla, Angelina Valentine, Sativa Rose, Mya Luanna, Aliana Love, Cassandra Cruz, Sandi Jacmon, Kylie, and Bianca Dagger.
But Only Handjobs is too modest, don't you think? Each handjob is great in the eyes of the Lord.
Heather Veitch is a former stripper and fetish model who found Jesus a few years ago and started an outreach ministry for sex workers called JC's Girls. She and accomplices from her fledgling megachurch in Riverside would go to strip clubs and attend the AVN and Erotica LA conventions and invite sinful women to church.
It was soon after I began writing this website that I met Veitch and her two cohorts in the studio of photographer/raconteur James "Jimmy D" DiGiorgio, as the JC's Girls ministry was just beginning to get attention.
At the time I doubted that the end result of Veitch's ministry was to simply convince strippers, prostitutes, and porn stars that Jesus loved them, but instead to convince them to give up their professions altogether. In my mind one doesn't necessarily follow the other, and I succumbed to a prejudice I have about the vanity and disingenuousness of evangelists.
Maybe because there's an Indiana Jones movie out now that I was reminded of a line from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: "Dr. Jones, do you seek the Grail for God's glory - or your own?"
JC's Girls hooked up with Jimmy D. so that he would photograph them like he would porn stars (albeit with clothes), so that the church ladies might seem familiar to the strippers they approached. Also on hand was documentarian Bill Day, whose The Pussycat Preacher, a film about Veitch and the genesis of JC's Girls, was released this year.
It is an excellent movie. We watch as Veitch is cautiously accepted into the fold of Sandals, an evangelical church in Riverside housed in a college gymnasium and shepherded by Matt Brown, a reverend who looks - to the alarm of his cohorts in the Southern Baptist Convention - like a surfer dude.
Preacher details Veitch's and Brown's struggles for acceptance. First, on a personal level, Veitch must wade through the stares of decent churchgoing folk even as she looks less like them than she does the women she's trying to save. Then Pastor Brown must fight for JC's Girls to be accepted by the congregation and its larger church affiliations. Viewers will root for Veitch and Brown against the closed-minded Goliaths who don't feel that a church should minister to sinners.
But the film does expose vanity on all levels. When a group of strippers is finally lured to the church, Veitch is angered by the tough sell laid on them by another church elder. She doesn't want him getting credit for saving them. And only Veitch has experience with the sex industry; her cohorts are attractive ringers, along for Veitch's ride. When I asked them in 2005 if JC's Girls would accept unattractive women as ministers, they said there was always room behind the scenes.
JC's Girls were not represented at Erotica L.A. this year, though precursor XXXChurch (covered by Bill Day in his previous documentary, Missionary Positions) was, as was newcomer The Pink Cross. I found it odd that the three porn ministries pointedly had nothing to do with each other, even if they all shared the same boss.
At the end of Preacher, Veitch moves to Las Vegas to start a new ministry. She has since been divorced from her disabled husband and has suffered more Christian slings and arrows because of that.
Her move seems abrupt, though, given that she and Brown have spent the movie fighting for her right to stay at Sandals (Brown admits early in the movie that every week Veitch would come to him with something "she always wanted to do"), but Veitch would not stick out like a sore thumb in Las Vegas, and being an Everystripper is advantageous to a preacher in Sin City.
(Disregard the awful voiceover and soundtrack music - they do not appear in the movie)
Alix Lakehurst is Greek, and lives in Chicago. We talked by computer, the way they do in Space.
One thing about Alix Lakehurst (who interviewed me for Mr. Skin), is that, like Mike Wallace, she conducts her interviews topless. I, on the other hand, wore a full iron diving bell.
I asked what she was doing for Easter, because topless girls in bonnets is a multi-million dollar niche for my Caymans-based affiliate program.
"Greeks don't celebrate Easter until the first Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox," she said. "So it won't be until late April."
"Oh," I said, thinking: What will I do with all this spanikopita?
Long before he was raising Debbie from the dead, Paul Thomas was professionally denying Jesus Christ. Above is a picture of the man who would become "PT" alongside Yvonne Elliman in Norman Jewison's 1973 production of "Jesus Christ Superstar," in which the future Vivid director played Peter.
The above might be the scene in which Thomas claims he taught Mary Magdalene that everything was all right, everything's fine:
"Yvonne Elliman (Mary Magdalene) had just seen 'Deep Throat' but wanted to know what one was like," PT said of his time shooting the Norman Jewison classic. "So we went off to the desert and she practiced her deep throating techniques on some of the, er, saints."
I have been listening to Thomas saying "I don't know him!" for many Good Fridays before I ever met him, although Jewison claims in the movie commentary that he dubbed Thomas' voice for the few speaking parts in the film.
Thomas Aquinas becomes Digital Playground contract saint
Digital Playground, the award-winning studio and leading provider of world-class content to Aristotelian reasoning, is pleased to announce it has signed an exclusive deal with Thomas Aquinas(TM), making the Doctor Angelicus the studio's newest contract saint to illuminate the prestigious roster.
Aquinas will make his Dominican/Franciscan debut in second quarter 2008. The portly, dark-complected theologian will also star in the upcoming "Summa Theologica II: Summa Summa Theologica," the highly anticipated treatise published by Digital Playground's award-winning Eclesiastical Philosophy division in collaboration with the University of Naples.
"Sounds like 'Nipples,'" joked Pope Urban IV.
Samantha Lewis, Digital Playground CEO comments, "When I initially encountered Aquinas' teachings about the nature of angels I loved that he had such clear cut and defined ideas about their ability to move from point A to point B without passing through anything in between. We strive to make all our contract saints to not appear like they've sustained any damage. Aquinas is simple, a methodical thinker, and has no qualms about all that it takes to make his case before the Second Council of Lyons, where me and Joone hope he will reconcile the Greek and Latin churches and Tera Patrick. I look forward to working very closely with St. Thomas and helping him to grow a prestigious career at Digital Playground along with Sts. Augustine(TM), Ambrose(TM), Jerome(TM), Gregory(TM) and Riley Saint Eele(TM). We welcome Thomas Aquinas as our newest contract saint and look forward to presenting him to the canonical court at Avignon."
Thomas Aquinas(TM) comments, "Digital Playground is the only company that can launch my career almost overnight. Its owners and staff are dedicated to creating saints. I'm impressed that quality and branding are the objective; our goals are the same - to define the Trinity in simple and unconfusing terms, free of the Sophia Santi heresy. This is a dream come true, I am so happy to be Digital Playground's newest theological scholar and to have the opportunity to work with Samantha and Joone on 'Pirates II.'"
Joone, Digital Playground Founder and award-winning director confirms, "A truly unexpected find, Thomas Aquinas(TM) is the total package. He is smart, pious, overflows with self-confidence, and knows that nothing is in the intellect that was not first in the senses, as we ourselves have stated in the series Jack's Big Ass Show. We love that he is fresh, ambitious, and has goals that pertain to international acceptance of Christ and Blu-Ray. We are pleased to have Thomas Aquinas(TM) as our newest contract saint and encourage our fans to have a beatification-off in his honor!"
Added Aquinas(TM), who died in 1274, "I'm wondering how many starlets can dance on the head of my cock."
On again/off again porn performer Sophia Lynn has once more been saved by the church.
Lynn, the former contract girl whose career imploded prior to the 2007 AVN convention and who was depicted in an ABC PrimeTime special having serious doubts about her fleshly job choices, has accepted both a South Dakota secretarial position and Jesus Christ as her savior.
I called Lynn at her new job at Sioux Falls' Celebrate Community Church, an evangelical parish with a congregation of 2500.
"It's hard to keep your faith in the adult business," she said. "When all your friends are saying 'Let's go to Les Deux tonight!' rather than 'Let's go to church!'"
After leaving the porn industry for the first time in 2007 - or, just prior to her duties signing for Adam & Eve at the AVN Expo - Lynn returned last summer as a prospective NinnWorx contract performer. She did not get that gig, sources say, because her attendance was "erratic" and there was talk of "drugs."
"I had developed a real tolerance for Oxycontin," she said, but also used cocaine and "Narcos."
When Lynn said "Narcos" I thought she'd said "Norco," the town where NinnWorx has its office.
"No, I was always clean when I was with NinnWorx," she said.
I met Lynn last summer and didn't think she was any more or less druggy than I was, but her ambiguous feelings about the adult industry were apparent. Each time we'd see each other, including at this year's AVN show, where she was hanging around the Sex Z Pictures booth, she would say, "we should really do an interview" and then not respond to followup questions.
"I know," she said. "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out."
Missionary and ex-stripper Heather Veitch, founder of adult evangelical unit JC's Girls, brokered a deal by which Lynn would leave the adult industry and take a job at the evangelical church where she has been a secretary for the past week.
Celebrate Community Church sponsored Lynn's flight and housing.
"(Celebrate) had been trying to get in touch with me since the PrimeTime special," Lynn said. "As you know, I am hard to get in touch with. But they started praying for me. Then they called Heather (Veitch) and then I happened to call her. It was the answer to my prayers."
Lynn told me that she'd decided to leave the porn business again after this year's AVN show.
"I went back to (family in) New Jersey and got clean," she said.
Lynn is now living with a church family and plans to get her own apartment in Sioux Falls next month. "This is home now," she said. She also said she plans to go back to school.
Lynn has a three-year-old child living with her ex-husband.
I visited the church's website and asked Lynn, who is comfortable using her legal name, Crystal Bartolome, what she thought about Celebrate's views on Marriage and Family:
"God's plan for human sexuality is that it is to be expressed only in a monogamous lifelong relationship between one man and one woman within the framework of marriage. This is the only relationship which is divinely designed for the birth and rearing of children and is a covenant union made in the sight of God, taking priority over every other human relationship."
Lynn said that the adult industry fills holes for people. "Financial holes, self esteem holes," she said.
But does Celebrate's views on marriage and family square with Lynn's own?
"It's not our place to judge," she said. "God and Jesus love everyone."
Lynn said that everyone at the church knew who she was and how she had until recently earned her living. "And they're very accepting," she said. "It's nice to see Christians acting like Christians."
Lynn had been a Sunday school teacher in Florida prior to embarking on her adult career. I asked her if her previous strain of Christianity was like her current one.
"No," she said. "A lot of churches are very judgmental and unforgiving."
I noted Lynn's many comings and goings from the adult business and asked if her new gig was going to stick.
"South Dakota is home now," she said. "Though I had to look it up on freaking Google."
Jehovah's Witnesses: Can their literature be avoided?
A clean-cut Dad, walking with his family, approached me the other evening in my neighborhood and handed me a magazine that told me I was going to die.
"Something to read in your spare time?" he said.
Because I'd already torn through my copies of AVN and XBizWorld, I exulted (Acts 2:26) in the joy of having something new to read.
Imagine my hurt when all I saw was intolerance and vitriol (Psalms 31:13)?
I am shocked that people are allowed to roam our neighborhoods and hand out such filth.
Read more after the gap.
Awake!, a magazine for young Jehovah's Witnesses, uses the Bible as source material for an attack on pornography.
The December cover story, "Death: Is It Really the End?" (The answer: sort of) is clearly the money shot article, but the story "How can I avoid pornography?" cites passages in Thessalonians and Genesis decrying fornication and concupiscence, and says that the sin of viewing pornography results in death. It was dark, so I didn't see the contents of the magazine. The pornography item was listed in small print on the cover. Had it been daylight, I only would have seen the Death article. These children are going to die because they are looking at pornography. Especially the kid in the middle, because he's pandering. The kid on the right carries the same expression I wear every day. This picture also tells us that the DVD is dead and their dress indicates that what they are viewing is probably not steveporn.
Breathing heavily, I went to my Bible and checked the passages and indeed there were direct references therein to Dirtpipe Milkshakes and Girls Handling Cocks. How did they know?
Even though Awake! ends in an exclamation point, each article's title is a question. In addition to the stories I already mentioned, there is "Why Care for Earth's Environment?" (because), "Is There A Creator?" (yes), and "Why Do We Fear Death?" (because now we'll have to deal with Chico Wang in Hell, too).
In the article, kids stumble onto pornography online or in school, where porn is pasted in lockers and shared on cell phones, even though they understand it to be a "satanic attempt to devalue what Jehovah created to be honorable."
The cult's magazine is fascinating, with dressed-up digs at Catholics, Jews, and Eastern religions, and manufactured quotes worthy of a porn press release.
"It's a big thing at my school," said Denise. "On Monday, conversation seems to be, 'What pictures did you download to your cell over the weekend?'"
Oh, Denise, you should have heard the conversation at my school.
A man named Jeff writes:
"Despite what its proponents may claim, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - positive about pornography. (It) is damaging, it is perverse, and it is demeaning to all parties concerned."
Well you have obviously not seen the uplifting couples' porn of Michael Ninn. But I'm with you; I don't know a single person in this business who is happy with his company's health plan, and that is demeaning.
I hope I don't get disfellowshipped for this, but I am going to try to avoid Jehovah's Witnesses (Mat 24:11).
New Porn Daily: A new parishioner is born in the Ghetto
There are those who feel that race and class-based porn is wrongheaded, but I am sure that they, like me, will be reassured now that the Latin mass is coming back.
Why? Because ghettos, as we know from constant and repeated porn viewing, are hotbeds of primal lust and therefore of Latin scholarship.
All those results of that crazed ghetto rutting have to be baptized somewhere, don't they?
Beauty Dior's eyes seem to be saying, "This tastes like a novena."
This collection of artful renderings of some of my personal favorite porn personalities has a daunting amount of theory behind it, which can either be a turnoff, a justification, or, well, just those two. Best to not read the manifesto attached.
Suffice to say that not since Bang Boat has there been a porn site with such a high concept.
Designed by the Florentine artist "Pornpope" Francesco D'Isa, Pornsaints has a five page mission statement that boils down to: "Well, they might as well be saints" because anything else is just as likely.
I have as much problem with people who beatify their art objects as those who debase (Khan Tusion) or infantilize (Bill Margold) them; it takes away the subject's humanity.
Our issue as porn viewers/consumers has never been that we aren't understanding porn subjects the right way, it's that some people tell us how to understand a very personal, that is consumer, subject. In the end, it says more about the theorist than it says about us.
Regardless, Pornsaints is a well-crafted and thoughtful site, whether you agree with the thoughts behind it or not, and contains some interesting renderings of Casey Parker, Bella Vendetta, Mia Rose, Pinky Lee, and Lorelei Lee (pictured), among others.
The SiFeet Pussy Foot, a replica of a size-6 female right (or left) foot, is marketed with the attached image, depicting a pair of bound feet, one with a vagina in it.
You'd think that a foot with a vagina in it would be enough for foot fetishists, but the bonus is that the marital aid recalls the wounds of Our Lord, but in vagina form.
In general, smaller feet are in vogue for fetishists. Gina Lynn's feet - size 4.5 - are about the standard size. A size 6 is somewhat mannish, putting one in mind of the feet of a simple carpenter 2,000 years ago, when people were smaller.
We traditionally see Jesus' foot wounds, 20 percent of the stigmata, from the front. But it stands (ha ha!) to reason that the nail would go all the way through to the crucifix, leaving a vagina-sized exit wound.
Unless we are considering birth, we never think of the vagina as an exit, only an entrance. Since the New Testament was not particularly graphic, might the virgin birth have taken place somewhere near the shoes?
This image has disturbed me. Are there children born with vaginas in their feet? Parents probably try to keep that news from the popular press. It's hard to imagine walking that way, much less leaving footprints in the sand.
Only Handjobs 6 has the distinction of being both a porn movie and a viable excuse one could make to God. "Come on God," one might say, "what I did with the 2002 Arizona Diamondbacks was only handjobs."
Only Handjobs 6
