| --Friday, September 26, 2008--
God, give me the serenity to accept Asseaters Unanimous
 I don't know why it's important for me to tell you, people that I don't even know, that the benefit of eating ass - even if it has some kind of cake in it - is lost on me. After all, I would not write in a review that "I don't think she was attractive" or "transsexuals don't do it for me," yet I feel the need to let you know that the very Green-friendly act of nibbling at something most people flush makes me shudder.
Q. Don't knock it 'til you try it, Grams.
A. Yes, yes. You can go have a journey of discovery mouth first up someone's ass. Or you can turn around to have someone's face where toilet paper would be, but leave me out of it.
I know I'm not being forward-thinking. But now and then I encounter my own ass-line in the ass-sand.
But that doesn't mean I don't professionally appreciate Tom Byron's latest foray into the heart of darkness, Asseaters Unanimous 16: Dinner for Two, in which people like Flower Tucci, Adrianna Nicole, Naudia Nyce, and Roxy DeVille toss salad like the great chefs of Europe and the druids of eld.
Of Carolyn Reese, Flower Tucci says, "She has an ass on her chest."
 The main reason why I liked this movie is that its logline is "A Culo-nary Delight!" That's pretty goddamn funny, and I will think of it as I throw up.
I also think this dual image of Adrianna Nicole and Roxy DeVille surrounding an ass out of which is sprouting the Holy Spirit is also impressive.
Watch Asseaters Unanimous 16 here.
Buy Asseaters Unanimous 16 here.
I mentioned this movie on Fleshbot way before it was released. I guess I blocked it out of my mind.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Report: Ohio voters concerned smiles, ass-fucking at odds; Pussy Party via the ass; Male performer of the year*
See also: Tom ByronLabels: adrianna nicole, carolyn reese, flower tucci, naudia nyce, new porn daily, the ass, tom byron
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
 
--Tuesday, July 15, 2008--
Baby Got Backathon: Porn Star Karaoke turns five
 Porn Star Karaoke remains the best thing to do anywhere near a Von's supermarket anywhere in Southern California, and tonight is the fifth anniversary of the venerable institution, which in its half decade has seen the rise and fall of three generations of porn talent. Remember Brooklyn? Jersey Jaxin? Keiko?
At least Flower Tucci is still around.
I don't attend PSK as much as I used to because I'm training for the Olympics, but I will be there tonight in a rare personal appearance.
The newly-remodeled Sardo's Bar is a Fantasy Island of porn's great expectations, and proprietor Seymour is both Mr. Rourke and Tattoo. Come down to the junction of the 134 and the decline of civilization and bring some money.
Previously: Billy Glide night at PSK
See also: Sardo'sLabels: events, flower tucci, PSK
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Friday, June 20, 2008--
Flower Tucci: After the outing
 Flower Tucci reclines in a pool of her own and others' natural spendings in a scene from The Violation of Flower Tucci. She has appeared on a television show complaining of her daughter's lesbianism when the female audience attacks her and makes Flower a lesbian.
What? You're saying that, because she had no choice in the matter, that she's not a lesbian? Open your eyes, pal, she's a total lesbian. That's like saying that, because the mound of dough had no choice about my putting it in the oven, it's not a delicious biscuit.
 Now Flower is a lesbian and she is going to have to live her life accordingly. I believe her first act as a lesbian will be to stop having sex with so many men.
These are the only known pictures of Flower Tucci in which she is not showing her ass.
Previously: XRCO from the outside in; Flower Tucci's ass directives
See also: JM Productions, Flower TucciLabels: audrey hollander, flower tucci, JM, new porn daily
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Monday, May 05, 2008--
XRCO from the outside in
 I have been at the U.N. Conference on Porn, Sex Work, Erotica, and General Waywardness in Trieste this weekend so I did not have the time to write in depth about last week's XRCO awards. Here is the most comprehensive coverage you could ever read.
The Highlands Nightclub in Hollywood has become the de facto adult industry event location in Los Angeles, hosting several events over the past year. There is inexpensive parking, a bank machine two floors down, easy access to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum across the street, and an excellent view of where I interviewed Joey and Evanka Buttafuoco.
 Also, former Digital Playground contract star Adrianna Lynn, now known (again) as Adrenalynn, gave me a visual aid in remembering how to spell her new old name. Adrenalynn is not at liberty to say why her time at Digital Playground was so short and I knew without asking that her reason for leaving involved a lack of access to me.
"It must have been difficult," I said.
"You said it so I won't have to," she said.
Her pose reminded me of this picture of Mika Tan.
The XRCO Awards were one of the first reactions to AVN's yearly adult awards, and are determined by a group of critics from around the world. I am one of the voters but I don't know how they are funded; I only know that they are a very homey awards show that people are nevertheless paying more attention to.
That is not to say people really pay attention at adult awards shows, but this year I checked in about midway through the ceremony and saw that three quarters of the people who were seated at the beginning of the show were seated in the middle. This is a higher percentage than graduation rates in the L.A. Unified School District. It is also better odds than the national divorce rate after five years of marriage, as adult award shows tend to take five years.
 And I'm not saying that I know who won anything, save for Upload, because I saw some Upload people on the stage, Jenna Haze, because she won one of the first awards and I was turned in that direction, and Suze Randall and Shayla Laveaux, who won Hall of Fame awards and I was making my way to the balcony. I also knew that Not the Bradys XXX got Best Porn Comedy because at one point its publicist and director, Jeff Mullen said to me, "Best Porn Comedy two years in a row, huh? Huh?"
 But at no time did I hear the XRCO's genial chairman, Jared Rutter, tell the crowd to shut up, as I've often heard his ousted predecessor, Bill Margold, shriek. The rabble seemed to respect him. So that's something. And when a man can walk into an adult awards show and still see people paying attention 45 minutes into it, well, I'll say the porn business is doing just fine, considering.
 It was important for me to move around because I am like a shark. I need to move or I'll die. I am also like the wind. Also: a lone wolf. By those means I saw much and little. I saw Scott Fayner and thought, Didn't he die? He was sitting with married porn graphic artists Jodie Marie and Dave Goodman. I thought: Didn't I give them the meat hammer? You know, for their wedding? Like in Braveheart?
 I got a grand idea to photograph every porn star I knew with my shot glass of Jagermeister but the project began and ended with Ava Rose.
 Adrianna Nicole refused. I don't know on what grounds. She needs to loosen up more. She needs to know that I won't hurt her. She's so goddamn meek.
I'd been there for three hours when a security guard noticed I didn't have a wristband.
"I just walked in," I told him. We had a conversation in which he repeated everything I'd just said, but changing the pronouns and adding italics and a question mark.
"You just walked in?" he said.
"No one stopped me," I said.
"No one stopped you?" he said.
"I can go get one now," I said, "but I've been here for three hours."
"You've been here for three hours?," etc.
At the front door I told another security guard that I needed a wristband to go back in.
"You need a wristband to go back in?" he said. I'd say the guards were related, but then all security guards look the same to me.
Outside I talked with Ashlynn Brooke, who is from Choctaw, OK.
"I love Oklahoma," she said. "I'd go back and live there if I could. But Tommy loves L.A. too much."
Tommy Gunn and Brooke are dating. I think the world must be peopled.
"Do you cook?" I asked. I don't know why I asked this.
"Oh, yes!" she said. "Chicken fried steak, southern food, fried chicken ... "
"Okra!"
"Yes."
"Do you ever fry anything with another animal, like steak fried steak, or jaguar fried donkey?"
"I could, but I use chicken."
 Veronique Vega came by and I asked them to pose like they were in Gia.
 Then Sophie Dee happened along, barefoot. She posed in a pile of cigarette butts. She has the most beautiful eyes. I imagine her appearing to Mexican children and the community making a statue out of her.
Before I went back in (now that I was legal), I took a picture of Manuel Ferrara, Flower Tucci, Sunny Lane, and John Stagliano. I complimented Ferrara on his diplomatic handling of Robin Leach's photographer at the AVN Awards red carpet.
"I am a very gentle man," he said.
Earlier in the evening Ferrara had walked by my XBiz colleague Joanne "Cha Cha" Cachapero and she had called out "Manual! Manual!" as if he were some kind of transmission. But maybe that is the way all men seem to Joanne, so hard is her heart.
 Back inside I had another idea. My drinks gone, I would take pictures of women leaving the men's room. The first was former performer/current AVN photographer Gia Jordan.
I am embarrassed to admit that I said something that made her respond thusly:
"All Gentiles think I'm Jewish."
"I'm sorry," I said. "So you're Italian?"
"Half."
"And what's the other half?"
"Pakistani."
I bet that courtship was fascinating. She showed me her shoes as she sat on the bar. I think she said they were Mario Rossis.
"Is that good?" I asked, feeling like I knew nothing anymore.
"Yes," she said. "I got them at Goodwill."
 Speaking of shoes, Aiden Starr was wearing Dana Dearmond's flip flops, and looked so small that, had she not just walked out of the men's bathroom, I would have popped her in my mouth and blew a bubble with her.
The Highlands was closing for the night. I had worn my wristband for about 15 minutes.
After some internal debate, I went to an afterparty and didn't regret it. I left this year's XRCOs secure in the belief that next year Pirates 2 will have won something.
See the gallery here.
Previously: XRCO afterparty blind items; XRCO voting: One patriot's story; XRCO night: A night to rememb; "Shut up, please"
See also: XRCOLabels: aiden starr, Ashlynn Brooke, awards, dana dearmond, events, flower tucci, gia jordan, jeff mullen, joanne cachapero, sophie dee, sunny lane, Tommy Gunn, xrco
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Sunday, February 17, 2008--
Got Silk?
 Holy Fuck, this one worked so much better than my "Got Rainer Maria Rilke?" headline from all the porn weddings I perform.
At a recent abridged version of a "Pussy Party," Flower Tucci, Amber Peach, and Heather Silk got together at Flower's house to shoot promos for a Cousin Stevie pilot as well as content for each other's websites.
Silk, who happens to be lactating, added some vitamin D to the all-girl, protein-free proceedings while Tucci proved an able spokesmodel for products ranging from laptops to bongs to Boston Terriers and Peach just looked adorable.
When asked how she chose her porn name, Silk replied that an old boyfriend had referred to her vagina as "Silky Thumper."
See the gallery here.
Previously: Scenes from a Pussy Party
See also: Cousin Stevie, Amber Peach, Flower Tucci, Heather SilkLabels: "set visits", amber peach, Cousin Stevie, flower tucci, heather silk, las drogas, pussy party, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Wednesday, February 13, 2008--
Today in porn pools
 Now that it's a frigid 67 degrees in Porn Valley, let's take a look at some home swimming pools and how they figure into this multi-billion dollar industry that pays me so much goddamn money.
Here is Flower Tucci hosing down her West Hills poolside of the warm soap that until recently had covered her ass.
"The hose is very powerful," she said.
"Yes," I replied, "but I have a job to do."
 Here's the wan and glamorously tubercular-looking Ashley Orion from last month's Barely Legal shoot. It was colder that day and she took it like a champ. Luckily she had a jacuzzi.
Finally, Miss Joanna Angel from December.
 "I hope you don't want me to get in that pool," she said, but I knew she would if only I'd asked, so deep is her devotion to me.
"No," I said, "just stand near it and the magic will come."
Previously: Meet Ashley Orion; Pussy Party via The Ass; Joanna Angel's Invent-a-lunchLabels: "joanna angel", ashley orion, flower tucci, porn valley living, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Thursday, December 13, 2007--
You Be the Judge: Squirting or Urinating?
 Of the debates that occasionally tear Porn Valley asunder, there is none so divisive as what constitutes squirting and what is peeing. And if there was a movie about 'MILF"s who "squirt", well, we'd be here all day.
I received two movies today, one called Super Squirters 4 and one called Tinkle Time 2. Both used alliteration, both used multiples of 2 in the title. The following might be heresy, but Was the substance that came out similar, too?
Can you tell what the people in the next two pages are about to do?
 Here is Sophie Dee. Everything she does is wonderful, and Welsh. But what is she about to do?
 This is a little bit arty. I know all about art.
 Maybe this is a no-brainer because Flower Tucci is so closely associated with squirting. But don't typecast her.
 Here Otto Bauer and Audrey Hollander command Chelsie Rae to do something on the grass. What will it be?
 Tinkle Time 2
Super Squirters 4
Previously: Porner's Almanac Week 4; Squirting and self-censorship
See also: JM Productions, VenomLabels: audrey hollander, chelsie rae, flower tucci, MILF, new porn daily, otto bauer, sophie dee, squirting, urination
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Wednesday, October 31, 2007--
Pussy Party via The Ass
 Sometimes writing headlines makes this line of work seem so tawdry, and unequal to the great events taking place in it every day.
Like Nicki Hunter returning to active performing after being sidelined by leukemia treatments for nearly a year, and a dildo that is also a bong, and Flower Tucci letting me use her whipping cream for my coffee.
"Don't use all of it," she said as I took the carton from the refrigerator. "That's going all over my ass later."
Read more after the gap.
Cousin Stevie's umpteenth Pussy Party, this time subtitled (at press time) "Tushies", featured the return of Hunter as well as generous-assed pornstresses like Sunny Lane, Tucci, Olivia O'Lovely, Luscious Lopez, Richelle Ryan, and Alaana Evans.
"We've got the A-team here today," Lane said, A meaning ass, "All the volumptuous girls."
"Volumptuous" is a combination of the words "voluptuous" and "scrumptious" that Sunny made up. You must pay her a quarter every time you use it.
The Pussy Party experience, as you've read in these pages before, is unique. Women compete for prizes in different configurations, and there is a rotating group of judges. Yesterday's judges included Kevin Blatt of sex tape brokerage fame and a couple of wealthy older dudes who had bid on their judgeship at last May's Skylar Neil Memorial Golf Tournament. They showed up in a $180k Mercedes and parked it next to my Saturn.
Inside the house we were equals, though I was the one who got Flower's ass cream in my coffee.
Like some directors in the business, Cousin Stevie does not hold the camera himself and doesn't sit behind a monitor. Instead, he's more of a presence in the room. He is a genial, old school guy that the talent loves and that his longstanding crew appreciates, though they know that a "Pussy Party" is a long day of work.
Stills photographer Alberto Lopez (no relation to Luscious) is by day a commercial photographer, and for the "pretty girl" (non-hardcore) pictures he wet down the poolside as if he was shooting a Ford commercial. Flower Tucci knelt on the wet pavement, looking far more appealing than the 2008 Escalade and only slightly more likely to roll over.
Porn Valley rental locations in this area of Woodland Hills tend to be owned by the same people. Off the top of my head, I went to the Operation Desert Stormy shoot next door and, across the street, have beeen to at least one of Stevie's sets and the filming of a Roy Karch movie on a summer day that was so hot I think the girls stuck to the pool table (I wasn't complaining).
The houses are surrounded by high walls and gates. Visitors usually park on the grounds. With a few well-placed tunnels and maybe some watchtowers, I think the owners could open a successful armed porn compound. Or the Kennedys could move in.
The big story of the day was Nicki Hunter's return. She looked great, like a far more frank Annie Lennox. Who am I to disagree?
 I don't know where these guys get their art. Maybe from the same offramp where I buy my oranges, but I had to take advantage of Alana Evans in the only way propriety would allow. She was an excellent Carol Not-the-Brady.
"My ass is so tight," she said at one point while I was talking with someone else. I don't know why she said it or who she said it to, but that's the type of thing that can draw people out of their own conversations from about 50 yards away.
"That's awesome," I said.
 Phallix Glass, which started out as a glass bong concern that morphed into a dildo company, combined those exact disciplines into a dildo that is also a bong. I think they should call it The Chronic Masturbator, but no one ever listens to me. Here's Trina Michaels. She doesn't smoke, but she smokes, if you knows what I mean. I sure don't.
I left early, to my regret, and joined the steady progression of traffic eastward/southward on the 101. It took me 90 minutes to get home; traffic was like ass, but not in a good way.
See the gallery here.
Previously: On the Set archives
See also: Cousin Stevie Labels: "cousin stevie", "nicki hunter", "set visits", 818locations, alana evans, flower tucci, luscious lopez, olivia o'lovely, pussy party, richelle ryan, sunny lane, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
|
|
While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
 |
| |
