People are so easily offended, to the point that I think some people actively seek out things to be offended by. I am not that way, for I am a Buddhist.

Because a strain of Clan Ponante came from the Emerald Isle, there are backwards impressions of my claddagh ring on many the nose of a shady affiliate program manager, and oft echo the words "Bring the shillelagh, Graminal" through the halls of Gram Ponante Towers, Estates, clover hatchery, Garda substation, colleen processing plant, and Waterford crystal meth lab.

So a friend asked if I weren't offended for the sake of my people that there was someone running around calling herself Chavon Taylor who screwed up the original Gaelic spelling of "Siobhan" for her nom de porn.

"I don't know," I said. "Show me a picture."

The picture came a moment later.

"SHE CAN DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS," I said.

Seriously: what have the Irish done for me lately?

Previously: Again with the Titties; As long as the first rule is Feed Her a Sandwich
See also: Lethal Hardcore

Labels: "lethal hardcore", dvds, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 30, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I don't like to cover non-events -

Q. Then Grams, why do you write about porn?
A. Shut up.

- and anything a publicist will send to TMZ.com and then send to you with a note saying it was featured on TMZ.com is officially a non-event, but it bears mentioning that Oren Cohen, owner of Tightfit Productions, the producer of Assraelis (covered here first, I humbly point out), which, despite being a well-shot porn film with very tasty Israeli pornstresses, is not causing nearly as much international controversy as readers would be led to believe.

Indeed, Cohen goes so far as to say "not since Deep Throat has an adult film garnered such national and international attention." That is like John Lennon saying the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus".

I would say that Assraelis has garnered just as much, but not more, national and international attention as Dirt Pipe Milkshakes 2. Still, Assraelis is a great movie filled with jewsy starlets.

Previously: But is it good for the Jews?
See also: Tightfit Productions

Labels: dvds, hype, non-events, tightfit

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, January 29, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

David Aaron Clark's Dreaming of Snow, a two-disc compilation of scenes he shot here and there from as far back as 2002, is an excellent way of getting acclimated to his particular style, which seems to bridge the gap between 70's movie theatre porn from New York and San Francisco and today's by-the-numbers gonzo fare.

If you weren't really into Asian women before, like this guy, you will be after Dreaming of Snow.

But don't take my word for it - take David Aaron Clark's!

I have the feeling you're skimming. I appreciate the good intentions but there's a rush to judgment here .... it's like you're trying too hard to sell what a great guy I am as opposed to actually describing the movie. lol

The "lol" is the closest Clark will get to actually being a Japanese girl. BTW, that is Kylie Rey in Clark's apartment making a sundae of herself, not Heidi Ho. But if you had the chance to use Heidi Ho in a headline, you would.

Read the review here.

Previously: Tia Tanaka and the balance of power; Dreaming of Blondes
See also: David Aaron Clark, Metro
Other DAC-related news: A Twisted Tale (sfweekly.com)

Labels: "david aaron clark", asian, dvds, metro, reviews

posted by Gram the Man at Sunday, January 28, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Like Harry Potter's dementors, the NinnWorx group has the capacity to make, er, the sexual act seem dismal and bleak, devoid of pleasure and chock full o' despair. In that way they are also like a girlfriend I had from Brown.

Don't get me wrong; sometimes I am in the mood for just that sort of thing, but to cast the effervescent Mika Tan in Lorraine Sisco's Porn for People with Knotted Brows Façade seems like a challenge even Tan might not overcome.

But we'll see. Check out the trailer here.

Previously: I'll see you on the dark side of Mika Tan
See also: Ninnworx

Labels: dvds, ninnworx, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Sunday, January 28, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The interesting thing about Shag Manila's Philippine Teen, aside from the feeling that the scenes were shot in Martin Sheen's hotel room in Apocalypse Now, is the vague disinterest these amateurs show. They are not exactly sullen but also not exactly enthusiastic. I fear they might be prostitutes.

They also don't look like Shay J., who was born in Bataan.

This one reminds me a little of Shelley Duvall.

Previously: But is it good for the Jews?; Hannah Harper: Passsion is to magma as squirting is to lava
See also: Sin City

Labels: asian, dvds, sin city

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 25, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Random pictures appear in my Inbox, and these two arrived simultaneously.

It makes me think that nothing is random. That a little thought can provide the connections between all things.

Flashpoint Pictures' Mature 20, starring Brandee on the beach, might have something to do with the surfacing of this "fossil" frilled shark, rarely seen alive due to its preference for very deep water.

I am not sure if the "20" in this movie's title refers to the number in the series or if Brandee is "a mature 20", meaning she has her 401k and health plan in order.

Either way, the shark died. The staff and affiliates of Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Border Checkpoint, Haberdashery, and ATV Speedway send their heartfelt condolences to its family.

Previously: Tyler Faith: Jaws shark "not a fag"; You yell "Shark"
See also: Rare shark captured on film (cnn)

Labels: dvds, found

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, January 24, 2007 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Jim Steel and HIS DVD (the gay division of Hustler) will host Drag Queen Bingo at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood on January 31.

Steel is the director of On the Downlow, and is holding the Hamburger Mary's release party for that movie to benefit the Minority AIDS Project.

How do we know cover model Brant Moore is on the downlow? He is facing right but looking left.

As I have not been to church in several years, I don't know how much Bingo usually costs, but the benefit requests $20 a game. This sounds like a good deal, because Hamburger Mary's is also a bar.

When I used to play bingo, the only people allowed to be drunk were the nuns.

Do you think drag queens still dress as nuns? Is that an evergreen outfit like straight porn women dressing as schoolgirls? We'll see.

Previously: Night of the Stars recognizes freedom, snacks; Folk as Queer; Trend: Gays smarter
See also: Hamburger Mary's,

Labels: dvds, events, gay

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, January 24, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I hate to reduce the entire porn industry to one leading-edge part of the female anatomy, but what's more important: accuracy or a pun?

Nikki Nine, Hustler's newest contract performer, filmed Educating Nikki a week after her first movie, The Erotic Adventures of Nikki Nine, though Educating is being released first. It's the right thing. Unless one is a brave little mouse in the big city for the first time, one needs to be educated before one gets in adventures.

Nine turned 18 last June, and was poised and professional despite the dozen or so crew and hangers-on at her Educating shoot last October.

Because she was new, I asked Nine how she dealt with being naked in a room full of strangers.

"After a few minutes, you don't think about it," she said. Taking her advice, I tried this myself. The TSA people were very helpful in escorting me from the airport Sbarro's.


Educating Nikki also stars Amber Rayne, James Deen, Nyomi Banxxx, and Eva Angelina. It ships next week.

Previously: Nine falls on the cold Valley; This is how porn guys live
See also: The Education of Nikki Nine (gamelink), Hustler

Labels: "contract girls", dvds, hustler

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 23, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

One of the things people don't talk about when describing their first experiences with porn is that part of the fascination back then was that this was the way adults conducted themselves, and that the people in the rain-soaked pictures of rolled-up magazines behind the junior high school looked more worldly than the other adults in our lives and, perhaps, more used.

FYA Independent makes us feel once again that first-porn thrill with Big Boobs 3: The Hard Way.

The simple, arresting title paired with a term from Craps emphasizes childish terminology with a foreshadowing of the bowel disturbances that await us all.

Well done!

Big Boobs 3: The hard Way stars Chloe Knight, Chevon Taylor, Kate Frost, Jennifer Steele, and Rebecca Love. The press release says the movie was created "for certified tit freaks"; I'm not sure if you'll have to show your diploma when ordering.

Previously: More Geisha News; Our Gigantic Joggies, Ourselves
See also: FYA Independent

Labels: "FYA Independent", boobs, dvds

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, January 22, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Now that I live in the bucolic Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, and Lobster Hatchery, the women who come and go from my Porn Supremacist Compound never return with tales that construction workers or passersby of a certain nationality in various eastern seaboard megalopolises in which we've lived demanded they "smile".

I will try to reconstruct an exchange from several years ago.

"I walked by these guys selling fruit and they were all like 'Smile!'"

"Well did you?"

"I told them to fuck off."

I side with the ladies on this one, but with reservation. Unless she was playing guitar in the subway and her dour expression prevented her from getting the tips that would furnish our family's MD 20/20, no one should tell her to smile, Further, I believe in America more than allowing for a man's only recourse in troubled times to come from telling an attractive woman what to do.

But then I think: Jesus Christ. They were selling oranges in the Bowery. Would it have killed you?

It is a puzzlement. NB: No one needs to tell me to smile, because I have jazz hands.

Thus we have Platinum Blue's Black in Business, starring Vida Valentine. What is Valentine doing? Not smiling. Some day I might approach someone at an event (probably a Stop & Shop opening) and say, "I am going to fuck that sour expression off your face" but if I wanted a movie about sex with the Sullen, I'd watch Corruption again.

Previously: Perfectly Cruel to be kind; Diver Down; Fleshy obstacles in the workplace
See also: Platinum Blue

Labels: "platinum blue", dvds

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, January 19, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

First Press Release after the AVN Show kudos go to Hustler, whose Gaped Crusaders pokes its head out of the post-Vegas eye sludge like a delightful prairie dog.

Gaped Crusaders, starring the chameleon-like Holly Wellin as well as Jada Fire and Unsung Starlet Mika Tan, is an early contender for the 2008 AVN Awards, to be hosted by the guy at the Mandalay who kept shouting "Gene Simmons!" and "Obama in 2008!"

Boy that was priceless.

Previously: Quick turnaround in the Gape department; Cock-blocking with Gram
See also: Hustler

Labels: dvds, hustler

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 16, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I sat on this review for a while because this 2005 Swedish quasi-porn movie (where the lack of reality comes from the story rather than the sex) had yet to be released in the United States, though it is on Wicked's slate for distribution this Spring.

But All About Anna will be screened by the University of Chicago's Doc Films Society, the oldest student-run film group in the United States, along with several other pieces of pornography that make you think.

Will Dirtpipe Milkshakes 2 be included? No. For they are intellectual cowards.

It is possible to actually see the pleasure being sucked out of a room when one watches a blowjob on film with a bunch of academics.

If you are in Chicago visiting Hillary Scott's family, you can view All About Anna on January 18.

Read the review here.

Previously: Gry Bay Gry: Make your mother sigh
See also: Doc Films, All About Anna on MySpace

Labels: dvds, reviews, wicked

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 09, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Barbed Wire Kiss, the movie that launched my stellar directing career (I put my unmistakeable filmic signature on a scene between Adrianna Nicole and Tee Real in an otherwise-Benny Profane-directed movie) will be shown at the Athens (Greece) film festival.

I don't like the word jizz, but it was the only word that could convey my complex feelings.

Benny Profane observed the following conversation in a baklavateria:

Convenience store owner: We Greeks invented democracy!

Redneck: Yeah, you also invented homos!

Barbed Wire Kiss will also be screened with Swedeporn All About Anna, Winkytiki's ReBelle Rousers, and Margie Schnibbe's/Vena Virago's Pornstar Pets.

Previously: Possibly the greatest movie of all time; Lorelei Lee and Adrianna Nicole just because; Barbed Wire Confidential; Fiat Lux Kassidy
See also: Benny Profane, Athens Porn Festival

Labels: directors, dvds, steveporn

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, January 08, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Pity the MILF. While you were out boozing it up with all your buddies, getting up to God-knows-what, she was back at home raising your children in her thong. No New Year's revelry for her; she was on her knees scrubbing your boat deck with her ass in the air, dreaming only of chocolate-covered cherries and her weekly Bunko game.

Now she and all her MILF friends are going out without you, and you'll be sorry. You know what a minivan full of bustier-clad unbalanced estrogen levels is called? I don't either. Half of Fleetwood Mac, maybe? I don't know.

Anyway, to celebrate Sinsation Pictures' release of Dee's movie MILFs' Night Out, star Kristal Summers has signed several copies that will be offered exclusively via my friends at Gamelink. It is like your mother is signing your homework, except with sex.

MILFs' Night Out also stars Demi Delia, TJ Powers, Kitty Langdon, and Brooke.

Previously: Michelle Aston will eat your girlfriend like a sandwich; Your mother should probably be arrested; Your week in MILFs
See also: Sinsation Pictures

Labels: contest, dvds, MILF

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, January 03, 2007 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Updating this site from an Internet cafe on an island in the Atlantic Ocean does not afford privacy enough to provide the fisting, gaping, and transsexual action readers of this site have come to expect and crave, but it did give me time to determine that a full 83 percent of my incoming mail is spam.

One mail that straddled both worlds was the message from reclusive millionaire Ron Royster, who offered me an university diploma and a sneak peek at the party his company, Eroticist Films, is throwing during the AVN Expo.

Eroticist Films Presents:
The 2007 Porn Star Karaoke World Championships

FIRST PRIZE:
$500

DATE:
Thursday, January 11th, 2007

WHERE:
Hidden Secrets
5285 Dean Martin Drive
Las Vegas, NV 89118
(702) 307-2386
Ample Free Parking

TIME:
10:00pm - 4:00am

ADMISSION:
$20

In accepting my judgeship of the event, I asked Royster what the demographics of the championship would be.

"Pretty girls, Man. All sorts of girls. All girls are pretty, Man," he said.

Reservations for the event will be limited to VIP booths with Table service. To reserve a booth, contact Rob at Hidden Secrets - (702) 307-2386 or info@hiddensecretslv.com

For interviews or further information, contact Ron Royster at 404-895-6061 or ron@eroticistfilms.com

For media passes for the event, contact Vinnie Savio at 213-270-3498 or surdalis@gmail.com.

Royster's 2006 movie, Atomic Vixens: Escape from the Valley of the Sluts (starring, among others, Lacie Heart), has been nominated for four AVN Awards.

“I’ve seen many adult industry folks sing and I think the competition is going to be fierce," Royster said.

Previously: Fixin' to Vixen; The Colostitute

See also: Eroticist Films

Labels: directors, dvds, events

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 02, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

It is vaguely inauspicious to end the year with a title like Vouyer Media's Cum Drippers 9 (I don't let my ladies drip it; I instruct them to draw it into themselves that they may be thus fertilized); but thinking too long about dignity and protocol in this business is a slippery slope.

Isabella Dior has just undergone a five-person creampie event, and can't even manage to get back on the couch.

I've been there. As an extreme fighter, I often return home so sore that I collapse on the floor from a day of slapping fools.

But Dior is different: the airbrushed semen on her tights makes me think this picture was taken before any creampie-ing occurred. Next Vouyer Media will be telling me that everyone involved loved each other very much.

Previously: Stuffing? I'm stayin'!; Quick turnaround in the gape department
See also: Vouyer Media

Labels: dvds, vouyeur

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, December 29, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

VCA's Alpha 15: Reform School Girls is the most misunderstood movie of 2006. Let's revisit Justine Joli, Daisy Layne, Vanessa Lynn, and Hollie Stevens from the magical day I visited the set.

Between takes of being pursued through the streets of downtown L.A., Joli enjoys light reading.

"Are you smarter than I am, Justine?" I asked.

"Probably," she said.



Daisy Layne, Vanessa Lynn, and Hollie Stevens pose with graffiti in a post-apocalyptic world.

"Graffiti is killing our fish and ducks," Stevens did not say.



"Counting shadows on the wall, does not bother me at all." - not the Statler Brothers



Director Cat Purcell is ready with a wipe for common household rashes

At ease with dildos


Previously: Alpha 15 review; Porn Star Karaoke vs. Predator; Justine Joli: Man-free and lovin' it!!!

Labels: "set visits", dvds

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, December 26, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

While Sasha Grey and Naomi don't compete in this two-disc set from Red Light District, our team of international judges awards the point regardless to Grey in Gang Bang Volume 5. Why? She wanted it more.

Still - that Naomi? No slouch.

Read the review here.

Previously: In space, no one can hear you, Screech; Something is about to happen to Sasha Grey; Scenes from a Pussy Party
See also: Red Light District

Labels: "red light district", dvds, reviews

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, December 22, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Begun this Format War has.

Wicked Pictures has announced that it has chosen the HD DVD format over Blu-Ray and will re-release its Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre using the feature-rich and less expensive next-generation technology.

Digital Playground this year announced that it was siding with Blu-Ray and that Pirates will be re-released in that format some time in 2007.

The cartels behind HD DVD and Blu-Ray, including but not limited to Apple, Microsoft, Toshiba, Philips, and the Walt Disney Corporation (the latter giving money to both formats) was unable to come up with a compromise that would benefit the consumer, so you, too, will have to choose or just not buy next-gen DVDs out of spite until you have no choice, which will be at least five years or until one of the formats dies.

I asked a colleague at Hustler which side Larry Flynt would fall on, and he said, "Whichever is least expensive" (which is, at the moment, HD DVD).

A standard DVD holds about five gigabytes of data. HD DVDs hold between 45 and 60 GB. Blu Ray discs boast up to 200 GB, but the cost of retooling replication facilities for the particulars of the Blu-Ray disc process will be passed on to the consumer, whereas HD DVD technology is, simply put, easier and less costly.

Previously: Pirates: "For the love of God let me die."
See also: Wicked Pictures, The Best HD-DVD: "Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift" (gizmodo), Blu-Ray vs. HD DVD: State of the Division (engadget)

Labels: dvds, technology

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, December 22, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

So the innocent young man who has been delivering mail to my office for the past 18 months yesterday asked:

"So what do you do with these movies once you watch them?"

The parcels I receive from porn companies are, for the most part, labeled discreetly. The box that JM's Fuck Pigs: The Movie arrived in had the simple JM toy block logo on it, with no indication of the atrocities within.

I thought the tacit agreement I had with the U.S. Government extended to its employees' not commenting on my mail, but I guess a year-and-a-half's worth of Red Light District, Digital Playground, and LFP material, etc., passing through his hands was too much of a temptation.

I could have protested. What if I received box after box of pierogies by mail and he'd commented, "You sure eat a lot of pierogies"? Wouldn't today's lawsuit-happy culture have allowed me to sue and sue and sue? Isn't "So what do you do with these movies once you watch them?" indicative of, well, his belief that I actually watch them??


What does someone really think of you when they believe you have watched and internalized thousands of porn movies?

So I told the truth. I said:

"I don't watch the DVDs so much as fuck those little holes in the middle until they're HUGE."

I think Fuck Pigs: The Movie heralds a new era of quality filmmaking for JM. It imagines a world in which Gia Paloma and friends, abducted by hillbillies, are made to wear pig noses and be debased in a mountain shack. Wasn't that theme of transformation exactly what Terms of Endearment tried to capture?

Previously: Porn blooper reel; Hillary Scott's many faces; Fellate expectations; Meanwhile, down at the Inner Whore
See also: JM Productions

Labels: dvds, JM, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, December 18, 2006 | 1 Comments Links to this post

I received a call from Atomic Vixens director Ron Royster the other day. He is the Vermeer of indignance.

"Man, people around the world are going out of their way to fuck me over," said Royster.

It made me sad that the U.S. had lifted the export ban on fucking over Ron.

"Some European company called No Tolerance released a movie called Atomic Vixens," he said.

"Not 'Zero Tolerance'?" I asked. "It's 'No Tolerance'?"

"Yeah, Man. I did a Google search for my movie and that shit showed up," he said.

No Tolerance's parent, Sunset Media, has other labels with names similar to those of established companies, like "Titanium Blue", "Metabolic", and "BBB".

Royster's movie is subtitled "Escape from the Valley of the Sluts!" and theirs is subtitled "The Horny Kittens!" I think subtitles with exclamation points make everything better, such as "The Da Vinci Code: This Book Sucks!"

Sunset Media's website says it eschews distributors and sends movies directly, adding: "Also, we are a listed company with the Chamber of Commerce in The Netherlands, instead of some small island?"

I tried my best to comfort Ron, but it was of no use.

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, instead of some small island?" I offered.

"I don't know, Man," he said. "I just want to eat pizza with pretty girls."

While I have not seen the Dutch movie, it does seem telling that the blue-shirted lady appears to be crapping the title.

Previously: Fixin' to Vixen; Royster to Los Ange;les: I'm a fool to do your dirty work; The Colostitute; The World is your Royster
See also: Eroticist Films

Labels: directors, dvds

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, December 14, 2006 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Jules Jordan makes the art department work overtime. Thanks a lot, jerk!

Previously: Pirates, Darwin share Newsweek; Tyler Faith: Jaws shark "not a fag."
See also: Jules Jordan, 2010

Labels: dvds, jules jordan

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 13, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

When I get together with the brotherhood of pornbloggeurs in our chalet atop Mt. Gapey, the debate often rages over which is more effective: a deliberately ambiguous porn title or something more straightforward, like I've Been Sodomized?

Tonight's entry belongs to the former category, but it is only unclear until one remembers that many porn consumers still live in the basement of their mother's home.

"Would you like some more Sunny Delight, Alan?"

"Yeah, send it down."

God only knows what's going to happen to my pal Amber Rayne, here. While conclusions may easily be drawn from the one arrow pointing to her mouth, what are we to make of the other one?

Previously: Here's the story of 50 lovely ladies; Aubrey Addams in Cock Craving Cuties; Piggies: What you need's a damn good whacking; Study: taut slappable pussy that feels good on your cheek and smells a little like talcum powder
See also: Platinum X Pictures

Labels: dvds, pxp, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 13, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Perusing various Christmas-flavored titles I was struck by how under-represented The Chosen People are this time of year in the porn world, despite the fact that we own it.

There's Hustler's Christmas in Memphis, Ninnworx' Silent Night and, of course, Sin City's Big Titty Christmas.

Luckily, there's also Tightfit's Assraelis, which I'm hoping israeli good. (And if you click the link, you will see that prices are slashed!)

Assraelis was shot in Israel, near where the Christ Child was born. It contains public group sex footage which gives new meaning to the term "temple mount".

Now that the marketplace is open, I can finally release my masterpiece Goo Gobblin' Jewesses of Gehenna.

Previously: Girls, Corpses, Calendars, and the Jews; Next year in another casino; Rock, Stapp slap over cock flap
See also: Tightfit Productions

Labels: chosen, dvds, hustler, ninnworx, sin city, tightfit

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 13, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post