| --Monday, November 03, 2008--
Gram's NicheAlertTM: Make way for Vilves
 Their faces, ages, ethnicities, moving parts, and lingerie don't matter. There are some people we'd like to fuck in the voice.
The Splendid Table's Lynn Rosetto Kaspar was telling her radio audience about what to do with leftover Halloween treats and suggested smothering candy corn in goat cheese when I crashed my car into the one in front of me and cried, "I know what the next porn niche will be when McCain/Palin loses and Sarah Palin is no longer relevant: Voices I'd Like to Fuck."
You might remember the backlash and death threats I received when I proposed a Women of National Public Radio spread in Hustler, so I will be respectful when I say that there is no one I know who can make the word "driddling" (as in something to do with olive oil) sound so appealing to both my stomach and my prurient interests as can Ms. Kaspar. She is a vixen-voiced siren.
My feelings might have something to do with the fact that Kaspar is quite a bit older than I am. She might know a few things that I haven't considered, like what not to caramelize. In my youthful impetuousness, I caramelize orange juice.
I would like to have been there when Kaspar was younger, just finding her way, learning to temper her exuberance about peppercorns. I would tell her, "Lynn Rosetto Kaspar, you don't have to put peppercorns on everything, you know," and she would say, "Oh Grams, let's pour this bottle of Tawny into parts of me."
I feel the same way about Lucinda Williams, now 55. Were she but 10, 20, or 30 years younger, I could have helped her not be so bittersweet about her life. "Have one of these candy corns, Lucinda Williams," I would have said, and she would have cried and cried with joy, eventually deciding to go into nursing instead of heartbreaking alt-country music.
So it's good I didn't meet them earlier, and I'm confident that I will not meet them now.
And if a Google landed you on this page by accident after searching for kaspar AND peppercorns AND "side of the road," well, sorry for upending your sensibilities, but the future of the porn industry is at stake.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: TeenMILFs
See also: The Splendid Table, Lucinda WilliamsLabels: cougar, found, lucinda williams, lynn rosetto kaspar, MILF, VILF
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, September 25, 2008--
Lexington Steele tries to be all things to all people
 Lexington Steele needs to make a stand. Even though his new movie, MILF Magnet 2, cannily advertises both milves (women who have had children) and cougars (women of a certain age), thus making the statement that there is a difference, it doesn't go far enough.
As you can see, the boxcover says "All MILF! All Cougar!" That's a strong statement if it's true.
I spoke with Wayne Hentai, Steele's press agent from the firm Plan 9 Media Group.
Hentai: From what I understand, MILFs have kids. Cougars do not. Since I don't know the maternal disposition of the women in MILF Magnet 2, anything goes.
Me: Well, I'm willing to believe that a woman who identifies herself as a MILF is actually a MILF.
Hentai: You trust people.
Me: In your opinion is there an age requirement for Milves and cougars? It would seem to me that you could be an 18 year old MILF, technically, but at what age does a non-breeder woman become a cougar, or is it a skin density issue?
Hentai: It's more an existential question -- when are YOU ready to be called a MILF/cougar?
Me: I'm asking the questions here!
Hentai: I'd say a MILF must be over 27. That's about when girls start getting serious about pushing out the puppies and breeding, isn't it?
Me: I think it depends on what part of the country you're from and your social/religious/educational/financial status. Also if anyone wants to have sex with you.
Hentai: And for a cougar; I don't know. Early-to-mid-30s. You need to ask someone who has sex.
Me: Thanks for your time.
So according to Hentai, cougars can't be milves. Therefore the legend "All Cougar! All MILF!" is erroneous. Luckily no one cares about this except me. What matters is that Lexington Steele fucks them while wearing his sunglasses while one puts her finger in her mouth and the other recovers from a head wound.
Watch Lexington Steele - MILF Magnet #2
Buy Lexington Steele - MILF Magnet #2
Previously: Lex launches latest load litany, lensing lipward-lofting love loogies
See also: Lexington SteeleLabels: cougar, FitM, interviews, lexington steele, MILF, wayne hentai
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, July 28, 2008--
Who let the milves out?
 What with our recent discussion about linguists, it seems fitting that we revisit the MILF and address how we should collectively refer to her kind.
MILF is an acronym for Mom I'd Like to Fuck, and in porn we have seen that that term has been badly abused, as oftentimes a woman billed as a MILF is neither a mom nor a woman I, Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist, would like to fuck.
MILF has come to be used to denote any sexually aggressive older woman, despite the fact that the word "cougar" already fits that definition.
But today we're not here to talk about whether or not a woman is a MILF, but how we should refer to a group of them.
"MILF" is an acronym, meaning a word that can be pronounced from the initials of other words. Many people erroneously believe that an acronym is just a series of initials, but you have to be able to pronounce the series like a word. So LOL is an acronym where BRB and WTF are not. NASA is an acronym, as are OPEC, WASP, and scuba. In fact, for words like scuba (self-contained underwater breathing apparatus), many of us have long-ago forgotten that the word is an acronym at all.
 At this point I'll agree that it's really important this article contains nudity.
So if MILF is an acronym and therefore a word, is its plural MILFs or Milves? In a sentence, would you say, "I would like to shoot a ropey volley across that desperate group of MILFs" or "milves"?
I think the plural should be milves because it is reminiscent of wolves and turves, as in "I would love to roll those milves in the turves where my buddies and I play golves."
 That being said, Tyann Mason and Friday are excellent in Hustler's Revenge of the MILFs. At first I was worried that revenge - as good a reason for having sex as any - would not actually be a part of the movie. But each of the milves has vengeance on her mind in this movie, even to the point of Mason seducing a Mormon missionary.
 Revenge of the MILFs
Previously: Alternate dialogue for a MILF movie; Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
See also: HustlerLabels: cougar, friday, MILF, new porn daily, sic, tyann mason
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, May 12, 2008--
Alternate dialogue for a MILF movie
 I much prefer the term "Cougars" for women of a certain age (say, over 40) who appear in porn movies, because "MILFs" is so often misused if one takes the "M" literally as "Mother."
But I'm realistic. I know that a Cougar in real life might be 40 or over, but adult industry shelf life dictates that a porn Cougar could be as young as 25. So I don't mind a Cougar movie filled with women who just that year became eligible to rent cars.
But no one should be advertised as a MILF (or "Momma," as in the case of this movie) unless she has actually given birth AND there is something in the movie that indicates this. Here is some award-winning dialogue I have crafted between one of Porn Valley's resident Czech Republican male performers and his authenticated MILF scene partner.
BLUTO I want to make sex on you. Sex on your holes.
MILF
Yeah? You want to do that?
BLUTO
Yes. In doing that I want. The sexing on you.
MILF
You want to put it in me?
BLUTO
Yeah
MILF
You do?
BLUTO
I just said "Yeah." Do you think I find it arousing to have to repeat myself? I don't know much English, but don't make me say the same goddamn thing twice.
MILF
I want you to put it in my birth canal, then
BLUTO
The part your son or daughter descended from, qualifying you as a MILF?
MILF
Yes, that very part, stud
See how easy it is? Just that small amount of subtle context would prevent angry consumers from suing porn companies for breach of contract, because you know how quality-minded the adult market is.
 For example, here's Francesca Le in Red Light District's Momma Knows Best. Not only does she not refer to her kids in the movie, but she also bites her finger as if she's a schoolgirl.
So what is she? The mixed messages are flying fast and furious here. What must the test audiences have said?
Previously: Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
See also: Red Light DistrictLabels: "red light district", cougar, francesca le, MILF, script
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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