| --Thursday, February 14, 2008--
Gram cut to the quick by pornographer
 I write a monthly He Said/She Said-style review column in XBiz with my ex common-law wife, Joanne Cachapero. We reviewed The Make Up in the February issue and got this reply from director Jason Green:
I doubt you will run this, but...
In the interest of equal time,
After reading the review of my movie “The Make Up” in the February issue of X Biz, I couldn’t help but notice that Joanne Cachapero and Gram Ponante write with a silly bantering style similar to some of the dialog in my movie, except theirs is not funny. This hurt me deeply. My only source of validation is porn directors, now that Mitt Romney has suspended his campaign. Without their approval, who am I?
In fact their “humor” actually makes paint drying on a wall seem more entertaining. After reading Gram’s strong criticism, I decided to research some of the movies he made…as surely such a expert on adult cinema would have a large body of work. To my surprise, I found he has never made a porn movie, I know this may be shocking to none. It's true. I have never made a porn movie; how, then, can I claim to be "a expert"? Only people who make porn movies should talk about them. Imagine the lively banter as Eon, Skeeter, Max, Rob, and Kurt get together for their weekly salons.
Gram strikes me as a bit bitter, I suppose I would be too if I spent my life analyzing triple anal bukkkae movies for little to no money. While it's true that sometimes adult companies don't pay on time or at all, my checks from XBiz have always cleared when I've received them.
I know it's hard to get a bad review. One spends a lot of time putting a project together, perhaps cutting corners here and there, perhaps making an excuse or two, but still a lot of work nonetheless with a cast and crew that now and then doesn't give their all to your vision, only to be criticized by someone who wasn't there.
As in any medium, no one takes issue with the good reviews. But when we like a movie, then we "get it," and are "one of us." I've been surprised at the spitting, bitchy vitriol of people who once said they were my friends over my less-than-jubilant reviews of their masterworks.
What I like about this letter is the implication that only my bitterness (and poverty) prevented me from adoring this movie, and that "triple anal bukkkae" (whatever that is) is less important than what Green explores in his important, important film with Bill Margold in it.
Further (and this is a longer issue than can be tackled here), it's a tactic particular to the adult industry that relies on equating money with merit. To be frank, I'm as mercenary as anyone in Los Angeles; I don't work unless I'm paid for it. I wish I'd been paid to review a better movie.
I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“Critics are just frustrated under achievers, who cannot create for themselves so they spend their lives tearing down the work of others” Green draws from eclectic source material, as you can see here. One of my new favorite quotes that I've made up for the occasion is, "Go fuck yourself - at least then only one person will be disappointed." OMG look! I've created something!
That said, I've always liked Felix Vicious, and my review of The Make Up was neither harsh nor inaccurate. Read it here.
Previously: "You're not one of us": A steveporn odysseyLabels: conflict, felix vicious, joanne cachapero, reviews
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, October 12, 2007--
"You're not one of us": a steveporn odyssey
 Now and then I'll write an unflattering porn review and will be yelled at about it. But the other day I was shrieked at by Eon McKai, who couldn't understand why I suddenly didn't "get" him.
After a few years of generally positive reviews of his work I had abruptly become, by virtue of making several criticisms of his Debbie Loves Dallas, a hater like all the rest of them.
In two phone calls, three text messages, and five e-mails, demonstrating a command of media I wished had extended to his porn flick, the megalomaniacal McKai heaped on abuse and paranoia, and, full of indignance and shitting on everything he saw, banished me from the steveporn realm, population: Eon.
Just remember that this is a guy I have been very nice to in the past, who has hired me for promotional work because I understood his genius.
But don't take my word for it, take Eon's after the gap.
comment on fleshbot post
Gram you don't get it... guess you never did... keep filing flesh bot with MSM's taned over blown bodays..
Fleshbot was once great... now it's just Gram...
doode honlisty... why come on here where my people get info and fill there head with such shit?
you don't know what time it is*
you don't get it
you fill the bot with shit form porns vally
plese go away allready so we can get on with pushing things forward...
I work too hard to get where I am and to push the movment forward to have you going on and on not geting it... on the bot a place where I'm most gotten... till now...
don't hit me up for screeners aney more
-Eon McKai
-*(and Flava Flav)
I had asked for a Debbie screener because Fleshbot wanted me to review it and I haven't been receiving Vivid screeners lately. I mentioned this to McKai when I called him several days before. McKai said he didn't know why I was not on the screener list. He quickly sent me his movie and three others.
In a UPS box the day I reviewed the film, McKai sent me Stood Up, which I had already reviewed, Tristan Taormino's Chemistry 3, and the original and sequel of Paul Thomas' Fade to Black movies, which I'd heard were good, along with Debbie. I watched McKai's movie through lunch.
I noticed several things that other directors might call mistakes, and the directing seemed inconsistent. Some actors acted like they were in a different movie. I Instant-Messaged McKai, and he assured me that everything in the movie was a choice. We then realized we disagreed about how good or bad several performers were. An actress that I thought was good he thought was awful.
So was the inclusion of what the director thought was an awful performance a choice? How does one direct an awful performance? Awfully?
After I had submitted my review of Debbie Loves Dallas to Fleshbot, where I usually post reviews prior to re-running them on my own site, I received a call from McKai, which I missed.
phone message
"I just wanted to say fuck you, Gram...I wanted to let you know that I have moved the 'Vivid-Alt' contest from Fleshbot to another site...I should have figured out when you asked for the movie what you were up to...I broke my fucking back on that movie for you to say I phoned it in...I stand a hundred percent behind every shot in that film and everything was a choice...so fuck off and go away."
- Eon McKai
I wondered if he thought, based on my previous good reviews of his work, that I had suddenly decided to find fault. I wondered if he suspected that every time he'd thought I "got it" before was just a fakeout for the hammer blow of the Debbie review? Notwithstanding, I am going to use "I should have known what you were up to" as often as I can in everyday conversation.
I listened to his message while walking to the subway (yes, there are subways in Los Angeles) but was then interrupted by a call about Brian Surewood. When I got home McKai called again, and this time I picked up. I'll emphasize that I have his number and he has mine.
"Hi Eon," I said.
"I just wanted to say fuck you in person," McKai said.
"OK," I said.
After about 45 seconds of listening to him tell me (I think - it was loud) about modernism vs. post-modernism and how (I think - it was loud) I had reviewed a post-modern movie modernistically, I got in a question edgewise and asked, "Eon, are we going to have a conversation or are you going to shriek at me?"
"I'm going to shriek - " he said, and I said Goodbye and hung up. Sorry, but post-modernism is a rigorous style, not something you invoke to explain your mistakes afterward.
e-mail message
And do us all a favor stop wrighting for fleshbot. So it can be great
sight agen. Also u sugest a pots modern salution to a modern theroy.
Don't touch what u don't know.
You should of skiped revering a movie u so odviuly don't get.
I'm still supper pissed off about this
-Eon McKai You might notice that McKai does not pay attention to spelling. I am comfortable saying this is a learning disability rather than laziness. But spelling errors abound in various points of the movie. Does spelling matter in porn? Nope, but someone who knows he can't spell but won't bother with a spell-check is the same "doode" who can't be bothered to edit out the background noise.
"Quit flesh bot," McKai texted me after I hung up the phone.
Then, immediately after: "Go away."
I showed these messages around the dinner table. It was remarked that a three-year-old we know recently learned to say "Go away" at pre-school.
Then, a minute later: "You're not one of us."
This was amazing. McKai is in his late 30's. What cool kids' group did he think he was kicking me out of? And what kind of people are in it now? Do they wear little steveporn buttons that read "You're not one of us"?
When I first met McKai he gave me the impression that he was at least ten years younger than he is, in the presentation of certain facts about schooling, etc. He chose not to correct my mistaken assumption of his years. He admitted that he had created a persona, but I didn't know it included lying about his age. He presented an image of a precocious kid in his early 20's, full of ideas. What is forgivable in a person of one age is not in another, like Capri pants.
When the review came out, McKai spent most of the first day calling Fleshbot's editor. Fleshbot.com has given a lot of attention to McKai, and McKai felt it was a betrayal that the site would run such an unfavorable piece about him. This is not the first time I have been told on for having the gall to write what I felt. After this review, my editor got the same series of phone calls from a remarkably similar group of people.
I didn't think Eon McKai's Debbie Loves Dallas was a great movie. While it aspired to interesting things like loopy montages and the incorporation of an original soundtrack, other elements, like screwball comedy, fell flat. I also thought the movie was distractingly self-aware and sloppily directed.
e-mail message
Hi Eon,
I'm sorry my review hurt your feelings. I've certainly liked some of your previous work, and I will admit that when your stuff comes up I have high expectations. I did not want to not like your "Debbie"; it would be much easier if I loved everything, because it is harder to write a bad review.
Yours, Gram McKai's Girls Lie as well as several sections of Neu Wave Hookers were very impressive. But the best thing I can say about his treatment of Debbie is that he was trying hard at the wrong things.
e-mail message
"Fuck off and go away."
-Eon McKai I gave McKai a chance to defend his work on the day I reviewed the movie. I get my porn movies free, but I do feel an obligation to consumers who might spend money on a product that isn't up to snuff. When I'd I.M.'d McKai with my concerns about Debbie's quality control he responded with:
"Write what you feel." So I did.
A day later, his e-mails just kept coming, whether or not I responded. McKai thrives on drama of his own creation.
One way he does this is by contacting the colleagues of people who've hurt him and not-so-subtly suggesting a personnel change. In my case, whether or not Fleshbot actually lost the coveted Vivid-Alt contest, McKai really wanted me to know he'd gone over my head.
e-mail message
sweet... keep felling fleshbot with tan boddys... as it dies slowly
- I'll point out that Vivid is in the business of "tan boddys"...like them or not, that is what sells for Vivid-Alt's parent company.
are you trying to make fleshbot.com as crappy as every other run of
the mill porn review sight?
- When I say good things about Eon McKai or when I say bad things about Eon McKai?
I should have seen the righting on the wall when vivid pulled you off
the screener list
- Yes, but would you have been able to read it?
and when
Tristen said you were fucked
- I think that refers to a previous coup attempt, but I can't be sure
with time all is revealed... and time had just revealed your true
hart. You would rater go the the sensation of bashing me on the verry
websight the brought me up...
- It truly is amazing how my true hart lay dormant all this time, like the Manchurian Candidate
thats very tabloid of you Gram and I thought you were more than that
but your not
- All these mixed messages. "Write what you feel"/"Don't write what you feel."
you fill flesbot with porn valley crap for the most part.
- And the company paying your salary is the King of Porn Valley
I would hope you would just have the good cence to walk away from
what you did not understand...
- And you might have had the sense to walk toward a Final Cut Pro manual
I'm afrade your more common than we all expected
- Here McKai invokes a group of invisibles who are woeful and disappointed in me. I would like to think of them as vengeful Japanese ghosts, a la The Grudge
you don't have my permission to to post anetying I wright to you or
text or aim
- Sorry, Dumbass, I didn't ask you to fill my mailbox. I will give you the respect of not correcting your spelling
just stay away from what I do*... thank you
- By "do", do you mean your stable job not dependent on sales of your movies?
fuck you have me really pissed off here
- I'm just sitting here. I think you've pissed off yourself. Why don't you film it?
I'm wishing I never sent you those screeners
- Well, I might not watch Chemistry, but I'm told I'll like Fade to Black
avoid me please
- Hold on. Didn't you - Yes, you did* - just say that?
and please tell people girls lie sucks because I don't want someone
like you defending me.
- Haven't you listened to a word I've said? Girls Lie is pretty good! It's Debbie Loves Dallas that kinda sucks. It would have been better had Ron Royster directed it.
His last e-mail to me was a link to some kind of RSS aggregator. I couldn't open it, so I e-mailed him back to please resend it. Instead, he wrote:
Its what fleshbot looks like with u removed. I collected his e-mails and text messages and sent them to Vivid president Steve Hirsch. I had not taken the bait in any of the previous exchanges, but I really felt he would harass me all week and use up his Vivid paycheck on wireless minutes if I didn't tell him to settle down.
e-mail message
Thank you. Now, since you have several times in various media told me to "go away" in the past twelve hours, I'll have to ask you to stop harassing me. You are free, of course, to say whatever you want anywhere you want wherever people can still tolerate you, but do not contact me again.
Yours, Gram Read the review of Debbie Loves Dallas here.
Previously: Girls Lie review; Neu Wave Hookers review; Eon McKai and the elephant in the room; My Vivid visitLabels: conflict, eon mckai, interviews, sic, steveporn
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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