| --Tuesday, October 07, 2008--
Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: Everybody Loves Big Boobies 4
 At first I rebelled against what I knew was the truth; no one likes to be told what they think. I thought, "You're not my father; it's not that black and white. There you are, sitting at the kitchen table with your newspaper. Where have you been? I'm America's Beloved Porn Journalist. Everybody doesn't necessarily love big boobies."
But deep down I knew the real story: everybody, in fact, does love big boobies (4).
 Here are Whitney Stevens and Amy Ried in this four-hour compilation. Ried performs with Derrick Pierce at a house on Kanan Road in Malibu that I first visited in 2005. I see that it still has the same structural art. I don't know what to think of it. But it's not like I work for Dwell Magazine, right? And if I did, do you think the owners would clean the jizz out of the reflecting pool?
Four hours is a lot of time for diversity. For example, some of the breasts are natural and some have been created by space-age machines. Also: not one person utters the word "boobies."
 But we know what they're thinking.
Watch Everybody Loves Big Boobies 4
Buy Everybody Loves Big Boobies 4
ADDENDUM: There has been a lot of death lately, but the other evening I was given assurance of my own immortality. "Grams," someone close to me said, "if I outlive you, I'm going to get a breast reduction."
At that point I knew I would never die.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Amy Ried: That's how you spell it; Her First Lesbian Sex
See also: Adam & EveLabels: amy ried, breasts, new porn daily, whitney stevens
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, December 10, 2007--
Jenny Hendrix' breasts to hibernate
 Jenny Hendrix, seen here mixing a beverage, is eight days away from getting new breasts.
"They're getting a little bigger," she confirmed.
We tried to organize a protest march through the streets of the Valley, but safety has become an issue. Still, the mood on the set recently was one of melancholy, as we all remembered fun things we've been through with Jenny's original breasts.
"You'll see the new ones at AVN," she said.
Don't pine for Hendrix' breasts, Reader. Like Frosty the Snowman, they will return again some day.
Previously: Jenny Hendrix keeps in touch
See also: Jenny HendrixLabels: "set visits", alcohol, because, breasts, jenny hendrix, van styles
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, November 28, 2007--
Eva Angelina - for no reason at all
 Eva Angelina is a guest on Playboy Radio (until 7 PST), but I thought I would show you the one picture in existence of a porn star holding up her breasts.
Nominated for AVN's Best Actress - Video award for her work in Upload, Angelina was quick to not point out that the self-held breasts shot might be too radical for American audiences.
"In Europe we can hold our own breasts all day long for pictures," the Orange County native did not say. "But now it is time for stateside audiences to witness the phenomenon without shame."
Next time: someone with her finger in her mouth.
Previously: Eva Angelina and Marco Banderas take a bite outta porn; Eva Angelina and Boston
See also: Playboy Radio, Eva AngelinaLabels: because, breasts, eva angelina, playboy
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, September 24, 2007--
What Would Bob Seger Do? Girls on Film: Solo 2
 As easy as it might be to forget why I'm here, now and then I am reminded that at all times we must pay homage to Bob Seger.
Here is Holly Morgan on the set of Platinum Blue's masturbation (theirs, not necessarily yours) epic Girls on Film: Solo Edition 2.
Seger's influence on the porn world is everywhere, from Tampa's Night Moves show to movies like this.
"She was a black-haired beauty with deep dark eyes
And points all her own, sitting way up high
(Here Seger reconsiders, then adds, for clarity):
Way up, firm, and high." You can see a gallery here.
Previously: You can think about the woman, or the peeler you knew the night before; Paige Turner reminds me of Daisy Buchanan; Way up firm and high on Cahuenga Blvd.
See also: Platinum Blue ProductionsLabels: "platinum blue", bob seger, breasts, holly morgan, new porn daily
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, September 19, 2007--
Joanna Angel tackles boobs
 There are a lot of things people are shy of talking about in today's porn industry: drug use, sexual harrassment, malfeasant distribution deals. Now Joanna Angel has the courage to say that Big Boobs Are Cool, and Burning Angel has released a filmic document of her beliefs.
Angel shot the movie here.
"I think boobs tend to be larger (in Los Angeles)," habitual Brooklynite Angel told me. "Maybe because apartments in New York are small, big boob girls can't fit their boobs in them."
Read more after the gap.
 Because Los Angeles is better than New York (it's also better than San Francisco and Seattle, in case you're wondering, but not Montpelier), Angel did as I predicted and as she denied she would do and moved here last year. She visits New York once every other month.
"You know how you always find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it?" she asked.
I thought about how I got a blowjob from my Media Theory And Literary Criticism professor. "Yes," I said.
"After the movie was done I found some big boob girls in New York. So maybe I'll shoot the sequel there."
 At first Angel's boobs were judged neither big nor cool enough for the film's director, Burning Angel co-founder Mitch Fontaine.
"So I went on the opposite of a diet," Angel said. "I ate a lot of fast food for two weeks. Because when you gain weight your boobs grow." (This also happened to William Howard Taft.)
 Angel employed the drive-thru technology of Jack in the Box and Del Taco and said that the movie captured "a little belly" which, sadly, she has since gotten rid of. "But I do have some big boobs."
"Your commitment to your craft is impressive," I said, reminded of Robert DeNiro's weight regimen preparing for Raging Boob.
As you know, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is coming up at sundown Friday. I asked Angel if she and her boobs were going to Temple.
"No," she said, "but I will fast."
 "Good you're not doing Big Boobs Are Cool 2 the next day."
Big Boobs Are Cool stars Angel, Ariel Alexus, Harmony, and Adrianna Nicole.
View the trailer here.
Previously: Joanna Angel eats grilled cheese, tomato
See also: Burning AngelLabels: "burning angel", "joanna angel", adrianna nicole, breasts, food, harmony, interviews
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, August 22, 2007--
More drink booze parties, more questions
 I don't know which river River Rats refers to, but this boxcover is compelling for several reasons, not the least of which involves this woman's right breast.
Find out why after the gap.
1. According to the back cover, this movie was shot in June. What kind of low-rent educational facility has its spring break in June? (Smart money's on Brandeis.)
2. This 18th installment promises "more college gals". I don't know about you, but I don't think anyone under 45 uses the term "gals". Therefore I look forward to seeing the kind of pornography made by someone who thinks of women as gals. It has to be better than porn made by someone who calls women "whores", right? Right?
3. Ditto the "drink booze parties". What the hell does that mean? As decreed by the Bible, every party following the establishment of the State of Israel has to have booze drinking. There must be something really special about these drink booze parties if the producers see fit to mention them.
4. Finally, the fact that this woman's right breast is squished against her thigh indicates that there must be plenty of boobs in this movie, else one wouldn't be so flagrantly wasted on the cover.
Previously: Consumers demand more drink booze parties
See also: Flashpoint Productions Labels: breasts, deep reading, dvd, flashpoint
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, July 25, 2007--
Bree Olson to Hustler: Please, not on my face
 Hustler has of late sent out screeners of its movies with a pink sticker attached. The sticker lets potential fences know that enclosed is a movie for review purposes only; you can't jerk off to it or sell it.
Because I consider my job as an occasional reviewer to be a Sacred Trust between Mr. Larry Flynt and myself (even if I'm reviewing a Vivid movie), I would never dream of selling these films.
Instead, I launch them into space after I'm done, to make the ionosphere more sex-positive.
But what governs where these stickers go, and is it art? Join me after a brief recess for a thoughtful discussion.
A guy named Dan Silver is the director and, I assume, your stand-in for the first edition of Barely Legal P.O.V.
 Point of View movies make me feel a little uncomfortable. Something about the performers looking directly at the camera's red light, which isn't necessarily at a level with my eyes, and the hushed tone required for the camera to stay steady always make me feel creepy watching them.
Add to that the fact that the performers don't have the opportunity to not look at the camera makes the atmosphere a little claustrophobic.
 Maybe it's the lack of air between cameraman and star that makes everyone sound a little breathless?
I wish Errol Morris would do a porn POV movie with his Interrotron. Perhaps that way actresses would not bite their fingers or speak in that affected, vocally-fried way that doesn't exist outside of porn or post-production of Britney Spears records. Listening to Veronique Vega and Renae Cruz talk that way, knowing they don't actually talk that way, made me wonder who first gave that advice.
But Silver has the knack for casting women whose breasts, when their owners lie flat on their backs, look enormous and mesmerizing. This is definitely a raincoater film for the weird, uncomfortable level of late-teen unreality it contains. Everyone should own a copy.
 (But I'm not going to sell it to you.)
Previously: Penthouse gets Bree sic; Saruman meets Spock in a thoughtful ocean of flesh; Barely Legal 75: Stacks of nudes spotted in Sunland
See also: HustlerLabels: breasts, bree olson, hustler
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, July 23, 2007--
Porn stars in my past, nipples in the news
 I went to college with a guy named Brian and a woman named Jennifer (as did many of us). One day, Brian came into our dorm's common room, prior to the television being tossed out the window, and said:
"Jen's got nips that are two and a half inches out."
Read more about my confusion at this statement and how it turns out Vicky Vette wasn't in my Economics class, one click away.
In the older porn performer world, few hold a candle to Vicky Vette, who this week announced she has two-and-a-half inch nipples. Unfortunately what Vette calls nipples are actually her areolae, the pigmented areas surrounding her nipples.
 Vicky supplies a picture of her areola against a Stanley measuring tape. I hate to school porn stars on aspects of their own anatomies, but Hey, I'm a Latin fan.
Now Havana Ginger - that chick's areolae must be about three feet in diameter.
When I read Vette's claim of such huge nipples I naturally assumed that yet another person from my numerous almae matres had taken up a porn career. Oh well.
Anyway, when Brian came into our common area I thought he was talking about Jennifer's ethnicity, which happened to be Japanese, because why say "nip" when "nipple" is just one syllable more?
I later saw Jennifer's nips myself (after she'd washed Brian off them) and they were totally 2.5" perpendicular to her body. In fact, they were perpendictastic. I measured them with a ruler I'd had since second grade and, with a little work, we got the left one out to 2 and 7/8". I should've taken pictures, but I wasn't that kind of person then.
Anyway, Vicky Vette, her areolae, and every other glorious part of her will be appearing tonight at SexCamCentral and Wednesday with Lisa Sparxxx in a special "Presidential Boob Debate".
Don't worry, Vicky, I'm sure Sen. Sam Brownback couldn't point out an areola, either.
Previously: Recovering Vette; No Morals!
See also: Vicky Vette, The difference between an areola and an aureolaLabels: breasts, cams, havana ginger, MILF, sic, vicky vette, website
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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