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Thursday, April 16, 2009
  XRCO Awards tonight
I was a voter for tonight's X-Rated Critics' Organization (XRCO) Awards, and I look forward to seeing (from afar, alas, I will be in another state) if I picked the right whores to win, place, and show.

This is the 25th annual XRCO event, open only to industry members by a process involving scent recognition and retinal scans, and will be hosted by the alliterative and diminutive duo of jessica drake and Kayden Kross.

Tonight's event will be dedicated to Marilyn Chambers.

Good luck to everyone - wish I could be there.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: XRCO from the outside in
See also: XRCO

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  ¶ Thursday, April 16, 2009   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
  Japanese porn awards honor Kirara Asuka, prayer
Anyone who has ever attended an adult awards show knows that there is no possible way for them to be improved. When one looks up "perfection" in the dictionary, one is greeted with an image of Max Hardcore's dates to the AVN Awards.

But that's not a Japanese dictionary. Because the Land of the Rising Sun one-upped the Porno-American community by adding contests, direct address of deities, and the only category that really matters in last month's Sky PerfecTV! Adult Broadcasting Awards.

Adult Video (AV) performer Kirara Asuka won the coveted Best Actress trophy just one year after her debut in Miracle Bust.

And, using the combined Japanese virtues of prayer and mathematics, 40-year-old Chisato Shoda won the Most Appearances award.

Most Appearances. There is no better gauge of popularity and hard work than that.

The Sky PerfecTV! Awards also featured an end-of-show panty toss (the Japanese love their panties) as well as contests during the show.

Perhaps if there were panty-tosses and contests at American porn awards, people would pay more attention, and people receiving lifetime achievement awards might stick around to collect them.

I know nothing about the Japanese porn market other than what I've learned from Third World Media and Daikichi Amano, so I would dearly love to attend this awards show next year, held in Tokyo's Love Hotel district.

More than anything I'd like to find out if the panties already had tentacle holes in them.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: What I learned from hentai
See also: Sky Perfect TV; Kirara Asuka ascends to Best Actress

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  ¶ Wednesday, April 15, 2009   1 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
  Benchmarking adult award shows, conferences
A few years ago, the adult video industry's connection with upstart XBiz was tenuous; Hustler and Vivid did not play ball with AVN's rival, and only Digital Playground seemed to see the value in advertising with the magazine. But that has changed, and now both AVN and XBiz draw from the same pool of advertisers and story sources.

Since both AVN's Expo and Awards and XBiz' Seminar and Awards are over, it seems that the perception of AVN's downfall is stronger than the reality and that XBiz is primping, but not quite ready, to be dominant in the adult trade field.
[UPDATE: In the original version of this article published February 17, I got some facts wrong pertaining to the number of staff AVN has deployed on its publications, as well as what trophies are or are not in its empire. Several AVN employees wrote to point out the inaccuracies, and the next paragraph reflects those changes. I'm sorry for the mistakes and, as always, appreciate your years of dedicated readership]
Persistent rumors that AVN no longer owns its award show have been denied by AVN founder Paul Fishbein, who also points out (in the comments section) that its Expo, or AEE, has always been licensed, not owned. In the past month, AVN has shed several staff members, including senior editor Jared Rutter, leaving ten editors to write for its three magazines (AVN, AVNOnline, and AVN Novelty Business) as well as its website.
[/UPDATE]
Not only that, but five former tentpole sponsors of AVN's annual Novelty Expo (Topco, Doc Johnson, CalExotics, Pipedream, and NassToys) have announced that they will instead be hosting their own "Founders" show three days before ANE this July.

It makes long-time adult industry watchers think that AVN has lost its grip. Indeed, AVN is no longer the primary force in the adult publication and convention world, but I think its recent setbacks have leveled the playing field rather than sunk the company. AVN should not be counted out; instead, it now has an opportunity for advertisers to make an informed decision rather than be stuck with no other option.

I was dismayed by the low turnout to both this year's AVN and Consumer Electronics shows, as compared to previous years.

"People were saying 'This won't be around next year' in 1997," said former AVN editor Rebecca Gray.

Fleshbot editor Lux Alptraum, who attended the AVN show for the first time this January, said she was overwhelmed by the number of fans and adult companies.

"If this was a low turnout," she said, "I don't see how anyone could function with a high turnout."

So it's relative.

XBiz, on the other hand, has had the good fortune to define itself for many years in opposition to AVN, and who could go wrong on a model of not taking customers for granted? But XBiz' early attempts at originality failed, such as its Erotic Film Festival in 2007.

Each year XBiz streamlined its operation, developing strategic partnerships and becoming the dominant player in the adult Internet community, where AVN had traditionally been weak. And last week proved that XBiz could get the same things right that AVN could, and also that no trade publication is the savior of the adult industry.

Having had intimate, fecund, dysfunctional relationships with both AVN and XBiz, I am rooting for both of them to carve a niche and keep each other honest. Because I don't see how either would stay honest without competition.

I admit I've been feeling bad for AVN. The last few months have not been good. I walked into last Thursday's XBiz Awards in Hollywood thinking that the success of its conference might be a nail in the coffin. After all, there was Angelina Armani. Digital Playground had sent her and Stoya to pick up awards for them.

But my fear that the porn industry might soon lose its harmonious balance was soon eliminated.

"HOW ARE YOU DOING, HOLLYWOOD? PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER," said the host about ten times.

"This is going to be awful," someone said.

"WE ARE LITERALLY UP TO OUR NECKS IN AWARDS," the host said. "PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER."

By the time Evan Seinfeld came out to present the Best LGBT site award, the audience was drifting away - just like at AVN!

"Why is Evan Seinfeld presenting the LGBT award?" someone said.

"I'm sure he has no idea, either," I said.

Seinfeld walked offstage, saying "Spyderz!"

Around this time trophy presenter Nikki Jayne had an altercation backstage with a show producer who didn't treat her with the respect due a Vivid girl and Manchester United boffin (I've heard three stories as of press time) and left, to be replaced by an always-game Sunny Lane.

I went to go talk with Bobbi Starr in another room. So did many other people. An hour later I poked my head back in to be surprised that the show was still going on - just like AVN!

"PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, PARTY PEOPLE," the host said.

I thought, aside from the women in the audience, no one in this room looks young and hip enough to be granted admission to any club within two miles of here (including me). At this point I became emotionally upset and gave my camera to Kimberly Kane, who took a picture of Mandy Morbid's vagina. God Bless them Both for setting me straight.

Starr was telling me about getting her head dunked in a toilet by Rocco Siffredi, but there was an award I wanted to see presented.

XBiz publisher Alec Helmy had an honor for Phil Harvey, founder of Adam & Eve. Harvey's name was called several times before word arrived that he had left the building an hour ago.

I shouldn't create a metaphor out of a single event, but come on. The last award show in which a lifetime achievement trophy was given to someone who didn't stick around to receive it was for Jenna Jameson at the Temptation Awards. That award show never returned. At the first and final Adultcon Awards, Larry Flynt didn't show up for his Lifetime Achievement plaque.

So until XBiz can mount an awards show in which the recipient of a lifetime achievement trophy - who knew weeks in advance he would be getting it - will stay in the room to pick it up, AVN need only worry about attending to its customers' needs the way XBiz has been doing.

By the way, the XRCO awards will be held in April.

See the XBiz Conference/Awards 09 gallery here.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Posts marked XBiz

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  ¶ Tuesday, February 17, 2009   1 Comments Links to this post
Friday, February 13, 2009
  It's more hopeful if you read Hebrew
Here are Zak Sabbath, Mandy Morbid, Kimberly Kane, and Pride of Warsaw Agata at the XBiz Awards. If we look from left to right, the western way, we end up mired in Agata's rage.

But if we read from right to left, we go from Agata's wrath to Kane's cautionary bird-flipping to Morbid's Canadian bemusement to Sabbath's sunny oblivion.

I prefer to look at things this way.

In other news, AVN wants XBiz out of the west bank.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Porn stars stay connected; Kimberly Kane is a handsome woman
See also: Kimberly Kane, Mandy Morbid, Zak Sabbath

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  ¶ Friday, February 13, 2009   0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 12, 2009
  Blasphemous rumors
Of all the unsubstantiated hearsay floating around the XBiz Conference this week, perhaps the most shocking was the factoid I invented in a bathroom about the Church of Scientology purchasing AVN to start a trackside compound in Chatsworth.

Imagine my surprise when Googling the location of tonight's XBiz Awards to find that L. Ron Hubbard himself had purchased adwords for the venue.

Maybe this is why I got a free personality test after the speed networking session.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates stole my nipples; Goodbye, Allie Sin
See also: XBiz Awards

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  ¶ Thursday, February 12, 2009   0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 29, 2009
  AVN 2009: The only numbers you can trust
Number of times it took Stormy Daniels, equipped with oversized ceremonial scissors, to cut the ribbon opening the 2009 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo: 4
Amount of times Jesse Jane's body would likely fit into that of her husband, if the latter were hollowed out: 4
Number of minutes prior to the closing of the red carpet that Jenna Haze arrived: 10
Rank of strippers, Internet models, and video porn stars in lack of clothing on convention floor: 1, 2, 3
Amount of time, in minutes, it took award-nominated performers seated in Mandalay bleacher seats to realize they were not going to win an award: 30
Amount of time, in minutes, following that realization that I saw them at a party four miles up the Strip with their pants around their ankles: 30
Number of people in TT Boy's red carpet entourage: 12
Number in Flavor Flav's: 4
Number in Mark Spiegler's: 11
Percentage increase, since last year, of MMA fighters on the red carpet: 100
Rank of Thea Vidale's handler and Syd Blackovich as most striking women on red carpet: 1, 2
Number of times I ate at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant this year: 1
Number of times I ate at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant last year: 7
Rank of Gastric Horror as a Result of Chicken Fried Steak in determining that decrease: 1
Good, according to hygiene-conscious performer Jack Lawrence, that hand sanitizer does: 0

Number of items Courtney Cummz signed for a single fan: 13
Percentage of Jenny Hendrix' body that was adorned with pink things: 78
Number of awards won by "Pirates II: Stagnetii's Revenge": 15
Number won by "Texas Vibrator Massacre": 0
Ratio of decrease, in square feet, of space taken up by Vivid booth to decrease, in percentage, of exhibitors at Adult Entertainment Expo: 1:1
Time elapsed, in minutes, between thinking my media badge was stolen or lost to discovering it was in my other pants: 45
Amount of people I asked for a replacement during this time: 4
Amount who flouted regulations by giving me a replacement: 0
Amount of people walking red carpet in first half hour: 5
Amount walking in final half hour: 67

First year documentation exists of adult industry professionals saying "I would be surprised if there was an AVN Expo next year": 1997
Number of years since Ginger Lynn, now performing in Cougar movies, won her Best New Starlet award: 24
Percentage of Best New Starlet winners still appearing in adult movies: 35
Percentage of Best New Starlets from this decade no longer appearing in adult films: 40
Ratio of Consumer Electronics Show attendees interviewed to AEE attendees interviewed who said they would "probably not" go to their convention next year: 4:1

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: AVN 2009 in pictures, AVN 2008 index

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  ¶ Thursday, January 29, 2009   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, January 02, 2009
  Gram Ponante announces Oscars of Porn
At a tearful ceremony this morning at the Lamplighter Restaurant, the grant-funded National Institutes of Pornographic And Pornotextual Arts presented their Oscars of Porn, the first and most prestigious adult awards of the year.

"Don't do drugs," said noted porn journalist Gram Ponante.

"Ever since the Institutes instituted this institution, the cash and blowjobs have been flowing in," Ponante added. "And frankly, I'm about spent from everything that's been flowing out."

Ponante demonstrated this depletion in the only way he knew how for a vocal contingent of foreign press.

"Stay in school," Ponante said, unraveling for a Belgian camera crew.

The Oscars of Porn were named for Oscar Goldman, Steve Austin's boss in the Six Million Dollar Man. NASA and JPL estimates concluded in 1983 that wounded astronaut Austin's cyborg rejiggering only cost $1.2 million, indicating that Goldman's assessment of the bionic man's worth was irrationally exuberant. Thus a perfect fit for porn.

"Our hearts go out to our nation's military," Ponante said.

2008 Excellence in Adult And/Or Erotic Entertainment Honors

Porn Movie of the Year
The Texas Vibrator Massacre

"Just about everything a porn movie should have is neatly packed into Rob Rotten's instant classic. The title alone says it doesn't take itself too seriously, yet the movie proves better than most grindhouse movies in that all the women you want to see naked actually become that way. And then, conveniently, they become dead. In this way, your ancestors are not shamed. So what if it's not original? Tobe Hooper would have wanted Roxy DeVille naked, too."

Think-piece of Ass of the Year
O2: The Surrender of O

"Juicy submissive Bree Olson tops from the bottom in the second excellent O movie from Ernest Greene. There's sealing wax, contracts on heavyweight paper, weeping, sage advice from Nina Hartley, excellent performances from Kayden Kross and Mika Tan, and Tommy Gunn as a bathrobe-wearing ne'er-do-well freeloader playing myself."

Conspicuous Cumsumption Award
Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge

"'Don't you know we're in a goddamn recession?' I shouted at the lavish Pirates 2 premiere, in which each attendee was given $1,000 cash and Tera Patrick's social security number, then was driven home by Jesse Jane. Everyone should have a copy of Pirates 2 not only because it is one of the most expensive porn movies ever made but also because it looks it, with Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Belladonna, and Jenna Haze working their asses off, only to have them fucked back into place."

Best Couples' Film
Slave 01

"Moxie Maddron is kept in the utility closet of a comfortable Porn Valley home by Eric Swiss in this intimate film by feel-good director Mike Ramone. Ramone joins Eli Cross, Mark Kulkis, and Heidi Pike-Johnson as former AVN editors who direct movies, and he delivers a character study that is as heartwarming as a Pixar film. Mark my words: Ramone will be the country's biggest exporter of hugs and smiles in '09." Honorable Mention: Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape. "While it was - shocking! - staged, I believed the 'I love you.'"

Best Bush
The Crash Pad

"While director Shine Louise Houston's series about a wiretapped San Francisco apartment used by itinerant sex-having lesbians might concern First Amendment activists, it is Porn's most enduring legacy to our 43rd president." Honorable Mention: The Bush Administration. "It's like pubic hair for straight people!"

Best Travelogue
Miles from Needles

"Huell Howser would be impressed with Savanna Samson's in depth study of the California hinterlands and its colorful characters. A movie awash in death, rednecks, and boobies, Miles from Needles features excellent performances by Kimberly Kane and April Blossom, and is even better than ario Argento's Hesperia."

Most Earnest Porn without Sasha Grey in It, Though Luckily It Has Madison Young
The Whore Within Me

"Like atoms, whores just are. We needn't explain what makes someone a whore, we just need to let whores go off and be whorish without comment or examination. If we break down the whore to her component protons and electrons, we risk a spermonuclear reaction."

If By 'Oven' You Mean 'Vagina,' Well, Then Yes She's Got One in the Oven Award
Nina Hartley's Great Sex During Pregnancy

"The Future No-Name Jane is knocked up and up in this movie, which says that you can't get a woman pregnant enough."

Glass Ceiling Award
Mother of the Year

"Used to be that having children meant the end of a woman's career. Not any longer. With California's 1997 MILF Statutes finally being enforced, the sky's the limit for women unsatisfied with the limitations of Entrance Only vaginas."

You Can Leave Your Shirt On Award
circa '82

"Whether it's a style choice or they're all burn victims, these girls are bottomless like a good cup of coffee throughout this movie, featuring appearances by members of the Circle Jerks and the Germs."

Comeback of the Year (pt. II) Award
Tricia Devereaux in Defend Our Porn

"Performing in the one original scene in an excellent 3-disc compilation set meant to defray Evil Angel's court costs in its recent obscenity case, the delightful Devereaux just might make you defray all over yourself."

Triple-crossed by a Tranny Award
Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!

"This movie dramatically illustrates a disturbing trend in our neighborhoods that is killing our fish and ducks: Abducted by dominatrices, fey but otherwise innocent men will be further humiliated/stimulated when the domme reveals a tranny lurking in the wings."

Robert Fulghum Award
Stoya: Deeper 11

"Stoya's facial expressions give the impression that what is happeing to her is unexpected, whether she is ordering pierogies or being sodomized. This allows her to maintain her sense of wonder. Everything you need to know you can learn propped atop Stoya's near-translucent hillocks."

Best Hentai And Pickup Line
Night When Evil Falls I

"I'll let these tentacular underpants-probing Japanese animated professionals speak for themselves -
  • The water is absorbing the magic - the magic that is in your pussy juice!
  • You're a vulgar girl who loses control to a swollen clit, aren't you, Girl? I'll show you the discipline of Calderos!
and
  • For a tomboy, you're curvy with a girlish body. But your tits are small.
"Try out any and all of these at the Saddle Ranch. Get there early for a good table. For many in Los Angeles, being on time requires the discipline of Calderos!"

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 2007 Awards; 2006 Awards

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  ¶ Friday, January 02, 2009   2 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
  In the company of Kayden Kross
I was informed of my first porn industry award early this morning by registered letter and one of those pajamagrams. Adult producer/fisherman Mike South said that I had the best blog aside from his, and that I actually wrote, as distinct from Kayden Kross, who South says is the best writer who doesn't.

Similarly, I feel that Kayden Kross and I should have won Best Porn Couple aside from the fact that we are not a couple and she has consistently refused offers to come live with me at my Porn-Supremacist compound.

Also receiving awards were Christian X, Sasha Grey, and Don Houston, although I have a feeling South's compliments in those cases might be described as "backhanded."

Clearer shows of support went to the prolific Den of Cyberspace Adult Video Reviews (you can tell how long it's been around by the title), and to the couple Nicole Sheridan and Voodoo.

Now that I have received this award I am going to go on a publicity tour to secure more awards. I think I'll go on Howard Stern. He's still alive, right?

I'll let you know that I have not even purchased a drink for Mike South, whom I have met in person three times for a total of four minutes. So don't send me your Marisa Tomei hate mail.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Kayden Kross and the luchadores
See also: Mike South

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  ¶ Wednesday, December 24, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, November 21, 2008
  Same time last year: McDLT Edition
Sometimes I look at the things I wrote yesterday, forget about three years ago, and don't understand them. And it's probably because each day I understand less, like Charlie Gordon post-Algernon, and with a dumbness-radiating cellphone to boot.

I probably won't understand that tomorrow, either.

(Special thanks to the timeless Mika Tan.)

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  ¶ Friday, November 21, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, October 17, 2008
  Pirates 2 wins SWINE
Does winning an AVN Award guarantee better sales? "You bet!" says everyone who ever won one, nervously clutching his collar and offering me a great deal on 144,000 unused AVN Award Winner stickers.

But the true value of any movie is the SWINE, or the Swag Index, an instrument I invented about 15 seconds ago. It measures the spread between the interest generated by the swag items to the quality of the movie itself.

A SWINE of 10 is a perfect score. It says that the movie is exactly what one would expect, considering the swag. Thus, Wicked's The Wicked [review] and Fallen [review] have perfect SWINEs; the movies were what I expected from swag boxes containing feathers and fake blood.

But Pirates 2 [review] exceeded my expectations from a box packed with a simple but almost functional hat (I might actually wear it, though ironically, because I am a hipster who still lives with his parents) and a t-shirt I'm sending, also ironically, to a third world nation. It would change my life for the better to see Sally Struthers standing over a crouched rice-eating refugee who is wearing a Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge t-shirt. Pirates 2 receives a SWINE of 12.

Of course, Metro's X-Rated [review] goes into the Hall of Fame, because its swag box included alcohol.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 swag; Fallen and The Wicked swag; X-Rated swag; 2006 Also-Ranny winners; Gram Ponante Announces the Oscars of Porn

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  ¶ Friday, October 17, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
  Audrey Bitoni: JGrrl of the Year
One of the cool opportunities for gracefully aging performers in the porn industry is to start one's own company and keep your name alive by attaching it to the flesh of newcomers. This was a successful model for Jill Kelly, Danni Woodward, Jenna Jameson and, to a lesser degree, Hellraiser's Pinhead.

Following in these footsteps, beloved pornstress and NightCalls host Juli Ashton launched her Juliland.com and regularly featured a Juliland "JGrrl" of the Month. The no-nonsense Audrey Bitoni has just been named Juliland's JGrrrl of the Year.

It is unclear what Bitoni will receive in addition to this honor, but one thing's for certain: Audrey Bitoni is comin' at ya!

Previously: Audrey Bitoni: Not that kind of Cardassian;
See also: Juliland

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  ¶ Wednesday, July 09, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
  Working on your NightMoves awards
Even casual observers of adult awards will notice that the same people and projects tend to be nominated over the course of the several annual trophy presentations, from the AVNs in January to Tampa's NightMoves in October. This not only squeezes every last cent of possible revenue from the same movies, contract stars, and sponsoring studios, but it also provides an opportunity for regional adult biz personalities to get together.

Like many of the other award shows, the NightMoves event is the high point of an accompanying convention. Among the dozens of porn personalities committed to this year's NightMoves is the sturdy and capable Veronica Rayne (pictured).

But since NightMoves is the only significant east coast awards show and because it originated from an erotic dancer magazine, the 16-year-old show does have its own style and flavor and, because it is still well under the radar of consumers who only think of AVN and Las Vegas when they think of adult awards, the hijinks in Florida are allowed to be more raucous.

Plus, Florida is like Mecca for strippers. Going there is like a pilgrimage for them.

Here are the nominees for the 2008 NightMoves awards, to be presented October 13:

2008 Finalists
BEST FEMALE PERFORMER
Ashlynn Brooke
Belladonna
Bree Olson
Eva Angelina
Jenna Haze
Jesse Jane
Kaylani Lei
Penny Flame
Sasha Grey
Stormy Daniels

BEST MALE PERFORMER
Barrett Blade
Evan Stone
James Dean
Manual Ferrara
Marco Banderas
Marcus London
Randy Spears
Shane Diesel
Tommy Gunn

BEST DIRECTOR
Belladona
Bill Fisher
B. Skow
D.Cypher
Eli Cross
Jules Jordan
Robby D
Stormy Daniels

BEST NEW STARLET
Alexis Texas
Audrey Bitoni
Kayden Kross
Moxxie Maddron
Ryder Skye
Stoya
Tera Wray
Tori Black

BEST FEATURE DANCER
Carmen Hart
Gina Lynn
Jesse Jane
Lexi Lamour
Stormy Daniels
Sunny Lane
Teagan
Teri Weigel
Vivian West

BEST FEATURE PRODUCTION
Black Widow - Wicked Pictures
Cheerleaders - Digital Playground
Dark City - Adam & Eve
Fashionistas Safado: Berlin - Evil Angel
Oracle - Wicked Pictured
Twins Do Science - Vivid Entertainment
UpLoad - SexZ Pictures

BEST COMEDY / PARODY
Bree's Slumber Party - Adam & Eve
Carolina Jones & The Broken Covenant - Adam & Eve
Not Another Porn Movie - Bad Seed / Burning Angel
Not The Brady's XXX - X Play / Hustler Video
Operation Desert Stormy - Wicked Pictures
Spunk'd The Movie - 6969 Entertainment (EDITOR'S NOTE: This movie has not won a goddamn thing this year. Not to slam any other movie on this list [because who has the time?], but it is much better than any of them)
Stood Up - Vivid Entertainment

BEST SERIES
Bang Bus - Bang Brothers Productions
Big Wet Asses - Elegant Angel
Chica Boom - Kick Ass Pictures
Couples Seduce Teens - Pink Visual
Flesh Hunter - Jules Jordan
Jack's Playground - Digital Playground
Meet The Fuckers - Zero Tolerance

BEST ALL SEX / GONZO RELEASE
Big Wet Asses #13 - Elegant Angel
Bring 'Um Young #26 - Anabolic
Chemistry 3 - Vivid
Cock Pigs - Evil Angel
E For Eva - Evil Angel / Jonni Darkko
Jack's Teen America #20 - Digital Playground
Teradise Island 2 - Teravision / Vivid

BEST ALL GIRL / GIRL RELEASE
Belladonna Fucking Girls #5 - Evil Angel
Bree & Kayden - Adam & Eve
Intimate Moments #12 "Sensual Intimacies" - Abagail Productions/Abby Winters
Lesbian Daydreams "Older Women / Younger Girls" - Sweetheart Video
No Man's Land #43 - Video Team
Predator 2 - Wicked
Women Seeking Women #40 - Girlfriend Films

BEST PRODUCTION COMPANY
Adam & Eve
Digital Playground
Evil Angel
Hustler Video
Jules Jordan Video
Pink Visual Productions
Red Light District
SexZ Pictures
Vivid Entertainment
Wicked Pictures

Previously: You can think about the woman, or the peeler you knew in 2005; Skylar Neil Memorial Golf Tournament, 2007
See also: Night Moves Awards, Bob Seger

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  ¶ Wednesday, July 09, 2008   1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, June 12, 2008
  AVN Awards 2008: Reliving the dream
The AVN Awards show gets bigger every year, and this January the event was covered by Showtime, which is getting chummier and chummier with the adult industry and which recently broadcast the event.

Here are some images from the show.

"You're one of those people I want to rescue," Dave Navarro said to Joanna Angel.

"I'm actually doing quite well for myself, thanks," said Angel.

When he's not hawking New Balance footwear, Navarro has been working with Teravision as a director and appearing at adult industry events.

People in the adult industry have varied reactions to Navarro. Some welcome his Jane's Addiction/Red Hot Chili Peppers fame but others say he is another mainstream celeb who has not "paid his dues" to the porn business.

This sentiment isn't exclusive to porn; it's just more noticeable. Success breeds contempt, especially when you're not "one of us."

A similar contingent within the business begrudges outsiders making money from their takes on porn. The writer David Foster Wallace was beset upon by calling an often vulgar industry "vulgar" and pointing out spelling errors in AVN magazine {excerpt}. "Fight Club" author Chuck Palahniuk had some factual and logistical inaccuracies in his porn-themed book "Snuff" and porn blogger Gene Ross said this:
But in Palahniuk’s novel titled “Snuff,” fiction, it seems, is stranger and, apparently, a whole lot better than truth. Such is the basic fact - that most of what Palahniuk writes about here, bears little resemblance to what you’d come across in the real porn world.

If that’s the case, why should we quibble about minor details getting in the way of a good story, you might ask? Well, for Doubleday to cash in on a really bad, tedious book with Palahniuk’s name attached to it, for one thing. Although I've yet to come across a review that hasn't gone out of its way to kiss Palahniuk's ass which was one of my reasons, aside from the obvious, for grabbing a copy to begin with.

Or put it this way. If some Joe Blow nobody had submitted this idea, the publishing company would have been firing off rejection slips faster than premature ejaculation.
I say that overcoming heroin addiction has allowed Navarro to test in to the porn business. But Joanna Angel does not need rescuing.

Teagan Presley returned to the AVN Awards after bouts of having a family. Red carpet co-host Kirsten Price said, "You look so beautiful! I can't believe how tiny you are!" or "You look so beautiful; I can't believe how tiny you are!"

It looks as if Navarro is talking with a cardboard cutout of Tera Patrick, the way I often talk to a cardboard cutout of Chewbacca. The reality is that Patrick is ready for a pose a millionth of a second before a camera flashes.

Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz stop by. Jenna is chipper and talks about the future, what with her company being nominated for 52 awards. She does not tell Navarro of the bomb she will drop onstage.

Jameson's speech, as captured by the Showtime coverage, seemed rambling. Prior to announcing Stormy Daniels as the inaugural Jenna Jameson Crossover Star of the Year, Jameson said, "It's apropos that this award is named after me."

She also talked about being battered in the mainstream press, which had called her skinny and divorced. "But I'm not divorced," she said, and thanked boyfriend Tito Ortiz for taking care of her.

Then she said, "Everything's beautiful...I want to be honest for a second. Honesty is key. Honesty is key. I will never, ever, ever spread my legs again in this industry, ever." (In a previous report I got the number of "ever"s wrong, but I had quoted from AVN).

She moved on after this, and declared Clubjenna to be an adult industry powerhouse. It was an odd moment. Two months later, Clubjenna released a five-year-old "new" Jenna movie.

Navarro with muse Sasha Grey. I am in the background of this shot, thinking, "That Navarro has a look. I don't personally like the look - he looks a little like a bug, but it works for him - but I've got to get myself a look. Maybe I should stick forks in my eyes."

Awards host Greg Fitzsimmons takes a shot at Max Hardcore, calling him the retarded guy who captured Curious George. That seemed harsh to me, but Hardcore took it well. There is a huge Margaret and H.A. Rey fan base in the adult industry, and all know that the guy who caught Curious George was the Man in the Yellow Hat.

Tera is forbidden by law to take a bad picture.

The first AVN Awards were handed out in a room with fewer than 200 people. Hillary Scott goes to collect her Supporting Actress award before a crowd of 6,000.

Larry Flynt is the Christopher Reeve of the porn industry, except Flynt got his injury on the job. People love him.

Guess which person has two children?

My hood ornament.

See my AVN 2008 gallery here.

Previously: AVN Wrap-up 2008
See also: AVN, Showtime

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  ¶ Thursday, June 12, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, May 05, 2008
  XRCO from the outside in
I have been at the U.N. Conference on Porn, Sex Work, Erotica, and General Waywardness in Trieste this weekend so I did not have the time to write in depth about last week's XRCO awards. Here is the most comprehensive coverage you could ever read.

The Highlands Nightclub in Hollywood has become the de facto adult industry event location in Los Angeles, hosting several events over the past year. There is inexpensive parking, a bank machine two floors down, easy access to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum across the street, and an excellent view of where I interviewed Joey and Evanka Buttafuoco.

Also, former Digital Playground contract star Adrianna Lynn, now known (again) as Adrenalynn, gave me a visual aid in remembering how to spell her new old name. Adrenalynn is not at liberty to say why her time at Digital Playground was so short and I knew without asking that her reason for leaving involved a lack of access to me.

"It must have been difficult," I said.

"You said it so I won't have to," she said.

Her pose reminded me of this picture of Mika Tan.

The XRCO Awards were one of the first reactions to AVN's yearly adult awards, and are determined by a group of critics from around the world. I am one of the voters but I don't know how they are funded; I only know that they are a very homey awards show that people are nevertheless paying more attention to.

That is not to say people really pay attention at adult awards shows, but this year I checked in about midway through the ceremony and saw that three quarters of the people who were seated at the beginning of the show were seated in the middle. This is a higher percentage than graduation rates in the L.A. Unified School District. It is also better odds than the national divorce rate after five years of marriage, as adult award shows tend to take five years.

And I'm not saying that I know who won anything, save for Upload, because I saw some Upload people on the stage, Jenna Haze, because she won one of the first awards and I was turned in that direction, and Suze Randall and Shayla Laveaux, who won Hall of Fame awards and I was making my way to the balcony. I also knew that Not the Bradys XXX got Best Porn Comedy because at one point its publicist and director, Jeff Mullen said to me, "Best Porn Comedy two years in a row, huh? Huh?"

But at no time did I hear the XRCO's genial chairman, Jared Rutter, tell the crowd to shut up, as I've often heard his ousted predecessor, Bill Margold, shriek. The rabble seemed to respect him. So that's something. And when a man can walk into an adult awards show and still see people paying attention 45 minutes into it, well, I'll say the porn business is doing just fine, considering.

It was important for me to move around because I am like a shark. I need to move or I'll die. I am also like the wind. Also: a lone wolf. By those means I saw much and little. I saw Scott Fayner and thought, Didn't he die? He was sitting with married porn graphic artists Jodie Marie and Dave Goodman. I thought: Didn't I give them the meat hammer? You know, for their wedding? Like in Braveheart?

I got a grand idea to photograph every porn star I knew with my shot glass of Jagermeister but the project began and ended with Ava Rose.

Adrianna Nicole refused. I don't know on what grounds. She needs to loosen up more. She needs to know that I won't hurt her. She's so goddamn meek.

I'd been there for three hours when a security guard noticed I didn't have a wristband.

"I just walked in," I told him. We had a conversation in which he repeated everything I'd just said, but changing the pronouns and adding italics and a question mark.

"You just walked in?" he said.

"No one stopped me," I said.

"No one stopped you?" he said.

"I can go get one now," I said, "but I've been here for three hours."

"You've been here for three hours?," etc.

At the front door I told another security guard that I needed a wristband to go back in.

"You need a wristband to go back in?" he said. I'd say the guards were related, but then all security guards look the same to me.

Outside I talked with Ashlynn Brooke, who is from Choctaw, OK.

"I love Oklahoma," she said. "I'd go back and live there if I could. But Tommy loves L.A. too much."

Tommy Gunn and Brooke are dating. I think the world must be peopled.

"Do you cook?" I asked. I don't know why I asked this.

"Oh, yes!" she said. "Chicken fried steak, southern food, fried chicken ... "

"Okra!"

"Yes."

"Do you ever fry anything with another animal, like steak fried steak, or jaguar fried donkey?"

"I could, but I use chicken."

Veronique Vega came by and I asked them to pose like they were in Gia.

Then Sophie Dee happened along, barefoot. She posed in a pile of cigarette butts. She has the most beautiful eyes. I imagine her appearing to Mexican children and the community making a statue out of her.

Before I went back in (now that I was legal), I took a picture of Manuel Ferrara, Flower Tucci, Sunny Lane, and John Stagliano. I complimented Ferrara on his diplomatic handling of Robin Leach's photographer at the AVN Awards red carpet.

"I am a very gentle man," he said.

Earlier in the evening Ferrara had walked by my XBiz colleague Joanne "Cha Cha" Cachapero and she had called out "Manual! Manual!" as if he were some kind of transmission. But maybe that is the way all men seem to Joanne, so hard is her heart.

Back inside I had another idea. My drinks gone, I would take pictures of women leaving the men's room. The first was former performer/current AVN photographer Gia Jordan.

I am embarrassed to admit that I said something that made her respond thusly:

"All Gentiles think I'm Jewish."

"I'm sorry," I said. "So you're Italian?"

"Half."

"And what's the other half?"

"Pakistani."

I bet that courtship was fascinating. She showed me her shoes as she sat on the bar. I think she said they were Mario Rossis.

"Is that good?" I asked, feeling like I knew nothing anymore.

"Yes," she said. "I got them at Goodwill."

Speaking of shoes, Aiden Starr was wearing Dana Dearmond's flip flops, and looked so small that, had she not just walked out of the men's bathroom, I would have popped her in my mouth and blew a bubble with her.

The Highlands was closing for the night. I had worn my wristband for about 15 minutes.

After some internal debate, I went to an afterparty and didn't regret it. I left this year's XRCOs secure in the belief that next year Pirates 2 will have won something.

See the gallery here.

Previously: XRCO afterparty blind items; XRCO voting: One patriot's story; XRCO night: A night to rememb; "Shut up, please"
See also: XRCO

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  ¶ Monday, May 05, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, February 08, 2008
  Backstage at the XBiz Awards: A Night of Heroes
I am not saying that the Porno-Industrial Complex does not deserve to honor itself or that pornfolk do not deserve recognition for their hard work, but I can't shake the feeling that adult awards shows, with their Lifetime Achievement honors and Man of the Year trophies, seem like kids dressing up in their parents' oversized sportcoats and ball gowns and putting on a show in the barn.

"...and watching white guys mack their pimpness to doormen isn't how I want to spend my time," added Blueblood.com editor Amelia G. (seen here with the amiable Forrest Black).

I enjoy adult awards shows. They are charming. But last night's XBiz Awards, last month's AVN Awards, the XRCO Awards and all the various Kucinich-level adult award events are all the same gig albeit in different venues with differing amounts of money behind them. The audience's tenuous attention to its host at the inevitably tardy start rapidly unravels by the 20-minute mark.

By the end, most of the audience has drifted away, the presenters are calling for attention, and the majority of attendees remaining are just in earshot in case their award category is coming up.

How often have you heard Billy Crystal tell the Oscar audience to "Shut the fuck up"? It happens all the time at adult awards shows.

That said, I always have a good time, because I'm hanging around with everyone else in back. As Porn's ambassador to the outside world, however, I imagine the wry and winking, bemused and condescending takes visiting mainstream reporters might have on such events - mostly because I hate competition in the Bemused and Condescending department but also because I have tender feelings for this business.

The XBiz Awards were held at the Hollywood Highlands, a popular nightclub adjacent to the Oscars' Kodak Theatre. XBiz Conference attendees needed only to walk across the street from the Roosevelt Hotel and climb the stairs. Inside were several bars and a large VIP area. I heard there were snacks there, but I left coldcut-free because I kept bumping into people I knew.

One was Veronique Vega, whose new haircut reminds me of a healthy Amy Winehouse that I want to debase and hook on drugs. She is part Puerto Rican and part Tahitian. I wonder if we're related?

Here is intellectual filmmaker DCypher getting into a shot of Halcyon Styn and Ashley Steel. It was the couple's six-month anniversary.

"I am a Buddhist," DCypher said.

People might argue that adult personnel are an army of rebels and free-thinkers who can't sit down and shut up due to their boundless energy and First Amendment patriotism. Those people might have been correct about this as few as ten years ago, but if they're still saying it they're dummies. Now it's nothing more than limited attention span coupled with nothing to pay attention to.

Tommy Gunn and Ashlyn Brooke attended the awards, squabbling over who looked better.

"I have full breasts," Brooke noted. "You lose."

Nina Hartley expertly handled three different gan interactions in our two-minute conversation. Each fan left with a remarkable sense of well-being.

Casey Parker pinned Holly Randall to the unyielding brick. She couldn't do it to me becausae I was holding the camera.

When last we saw Tori Black, she was crawling all over Sindee Jennings in pasties. It was a magical time for us. But I finally got to talk with her with clothes on.

"Glad you have your clothes on this time," the 5'9" Seattle native did not say. She has only been in the business for a few months, she said, but wanted to make clear that, though her scenes might be hardcore, she is still a lady.

"People forget that women are elegant," she said.

Svengali in training James Bartholet proposes something distasteful to Veronica Rayne.

It is very important the world sees more of Ava Rose. I hope she's off tomorrow.

This unintentionally arty photo of Michael Lucas and Titan Media's Keith Webb was one of several camera accidents. I explained to Lucas that his excellent Intern was the only gay movie I have seen (other than Quadrophenia)and he quickly suggested several others. He didn't seem to think I should quit while I was ahead.

I told Stoya I would put a picture of her on my website every day if I could. I think she must be some kind of witch; she doesn't take a bad picture.

"People saw my vagina on your site and started e-mailing me about flashing people in Las Vegas," she said.

"It can't be flashing if you took the picture under the table with my camera while I was away," I said. That wasn't flashing; it was a gesture of love.

Here's shrewd businesswoman Shy Love. Shy Love fans will be happy to know she is even prettier in person.

Pride of Nashua Heather Silk was set to appear in a "Pussy Party" before the shoot was rescheduled. I had never met her before but her dress sort of rides up that way, which I think is a plus. We didn't have time to talk about the Orange Julius at the Pheasant Lane Mall.

Finally, Flower Tucci let me know in no uncertain terms that she's into Satan, too.

"Let's get out of here; you're weird," she said, which in that context was a huge compliment. I doubt she remembers it, but I gave up drinking three days too soon.

As Penthouse's Marc Bell walked to the stage amid awkward clapping and the "Rocky" theme to accept his Man of the Year award, I bumped into a little white guy dressed in a pimp suit.

"Pardon me," I said.

"It's all good, brah," he said.

It was all good. (It would have been better with a drink, though.)

Previously: AVN 2008 Wrap-up: I will never spread my commentary again
See also: XBiz

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  ¶ Friday, February 08, 2008   5 Comments Links to this post
Monday, January 07, 2008
  Tera Patrick: "I want world domination"
"I never set out to be the world's most famous pussy," Tera Patrick said.

Tera Patrick is all over Las Vegas this week. Dueling billboards on either side of Interstate 15 advertise her presence at both a Friday party at Ivan Kane's Forty Deuce and at Saturday's AVN Awards. Her Friday event competes with Jenna Jameson's.

In Van Nuys at the pink-draped Teravision offices, Evan Seinfeld is on the phone, attempting to find a Mandalay Bay employee who knows how to deal with the likes of Tera Patrick.

"Can you get me someone who knows how to treat celebrities, please?" he is saying. He wants to book extra nights at the Mandalay, because AVN has only paid for two, and she's hosting the awards. The flustered employee quotes Seinfeld a figure.

"Any Joe Shmo can walk in off the street and get that rate," he says.

Read more after the gap.



Tera Patrick is the biggest star in porn, period. She rattles off some of the 75 magazine covers she's been on in 2007, including the final issue of FHM. She has traveled to 40 cities in 15 countries in the past six months. Seinfeld pipes in that Teravision was just assessed at $20 million.

And you know what? That's not a lot of money. But in porn it's huge, especially as the company is centered around her.

Patrick supplies a reality check vis a vis porn fame: "I know Gwyneth Paltrow has seen my pussy, but I've never seen hers."

Where Patrick goes from here is uncertain, because there is no roadmap beyond where she is.

"I'm moving into semi-retirement," she said. "I don't want to think, 'Am I sucking in my stomach? Did I do my glutes today?'

"I can see myself with a silver bun on my head and an armful of dogs, just hiking the Canyon."

Patrick met Seinfeld when the latter played Aryan Nation criminal Jaz Hoyt on the HBO series "Oz".

"I saw him on TV and I made a few calls," she said. "I wasn't looking for love, if you know what I mean. But he didn't call. I thought, 'That's weird.'

"Usually I was the one being pursued," she said. "Finally he called and he said he was nervous. I was in L.A., he was in New York, and we just kept talking. We fell in love over the phone."

Before he was an actor, Seinfeld fronted the band Biohazard. It was during a Biohazard show that actor Chris Meloni of "Oz" saw Seinfeld onstage and thought he would be a good character in the prison population of the show.

"I lucked into that," Seinfeld said. "But getting into porn was a different story."

When Seinfeld and Patrick hooked up in 2002, they were both famous. And while musicians will welcome a porn star girlfriend, Seinfeld found the adult industry distrustful.

"I was carrying Tera's suitcase once and somebody snapped a picture. The caption was something like 'Evan Seinfeld: Suitcase Pimp'. I was like, 'Hey Tera! They're calling me a pimp!'"

"And I said, 'It's not what you think it means,'" Patrick said.

Seinfeld had walked into a world where a large number of women are controlled by a small number of men, and the introduction of a boyfriend into a porn star's career usually means trouble. For women in porn with new mates, the pattern usually goes downhill from limiting the number of their male partners to working exclusively with women to dropping out of the industry altogether.

And the trap porn presents is that few in the business admit it's easy and few outside of it can imagine it's difficult, creating a suspicion of "outsiders" who might discover, as Seinfeld noted, that "in the adult industry all you gotta do is show up". Then those same people think that porn should run the way any other business does, which it doesn't.

"People were worried about me, bringing the outsider in," Patrick said. "They said 'She's gonna run him over - he's gonna break her jaw.'"

But they stayed together. They were married in Vegas on January 9, 2004 during the AVN Expo.

"It was a dozen porn people at the wedding, a dozen Hell's Angels, and a couple of hookers who crashed the party," Seinfeld said.

One reason porn relationships - or any relationship - are so fraught with uncertainty is that the partners are often unequal. And being in business together is even harder.

"But both of us came into this already established," Patrick said, "And we were so appreciative of each other."

"I spent 15 years on a band tour bus," Seinfeld said. "I've been screwed and railroaded and learned business from the ground up, so with Teravision - "

" - He does so much on a daily basis - " Patrick said.

" - No one handed us the keys and gave us Dad's porn company."

And where Patrick would prefer to go home at the end of the day and watch basic cable. Seinfeld says, "I'm the disco queen of the family. I'm the 14-year-old at the Danceteria. And she likes to go into her Pink Room and nest and play with her pretty things."

When the couple go out, they need an entourage and a V.I.P. area.

"You can't just walk into a nightclub situation with Tera," Seinfeld said (almost wearily). "You have to rope the place off and make the entrance secure, otherwise she's mobbed."

The couple started Teravision in 2003 and have spun off from it Iron Cross, an imprint Seinfeld said would feature "first rate gonzo", and Patrick's fashion line, Mistress Couture. In addition, they have begun bringing other directors into the fold at Teravision, such as Dave Navarro.

And where the rest of the adult world is focusing on the annual AVN trade show and Awards, she and Seinfeld are treating it like a nutritious part of their delicious weekly schedule.

"We went to the Led Zeppelin show (in December)," Patrick said. "Jason (Bonham) called up and said, 'I'm playing foor my dad's show, do you want to come?"

Patrick's semi-retirement is only from porn. She wants mainstream celebrity without Britney Spears' notoriety.

"People like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan just don't have the right people around them," she said.

"It's my goal to be omnipresent in the world," she said. "I've never denounced being a porn star. I know couples who have made babies to me, and I'm very proud of that. I know there's a Baby Tera out there somewhere."

Previously: Tera's Christmas Presence; Tera Patrick appears on Internet
See also: Tera Patrick

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  ¶ Monday, January 07, 2008   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
  Tommy Gunn casts the first bone
Porn is not a 9 to 5 job, and in addition to the extra-curricular activities associated with being a porn star (mentoring, celebrity golf tournaments, opening wineries), there are also new opportunities for achieving immortality beyond pay-per-minute scenes on a Video on Demand site. For example, Tommy Gunn just got a mold of his penis made for distribution by the adult toy company Topco.

"It took about 90 minutes," Gunn said of the entire procedure. Gunn (seen here with Carmen Luvana) was last year's AVN Male Performer of the Year, and is up for that and other trophies at next week's AVN Awards show.

As there is little to no market for flaccid dildos, Gunn needed to be ready.

Read more after the gap.



GP: Did anyone come to help you get in a penis mold state of mind?

TG: My girlfriend Ashlynn Brooke (pictured) couldn't be there although she wanted to very much, so I had to take matters into my own hands, pardon the pun.

GP: How degrading! It's like you suddenly became a porn fan.

TG: Getting the cast done was very interesting....not what I expected...there were three people needed during the process; one to mix the cast material, one to fit the tube-style mold over me, and another one to pour the mixture. I had to be hard for the time while the mold material was setting up which was about three minutes, which is a long time without any stimulation, but I did it.

GP: Congratulations.

TG: They took three casts, each of which they concentrated on a specifc part of my unit. Then they will put all three casts together to achieve the finished piece.

GP: That is a very Catholic way of putting it.

Gunn has a deal with Topco to develop a line of Gunn-branded products, including the results of the cast, which will be released this spring.

Previously: Operation Desert Stormy party art; Stood Up: Is it good for the Jews?; Erotica L.A. 2007 in review; O: The Power of Submission
See also: Tommy Gunn, Topco Sales

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  ¶ Wednesday, January 02, 2008   2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, December 28, 2007
  Gram Ponante announces Oscars of Porn
During a brief ceremony at the Lamplighter Restaurant this morning, the vaunted National Institutes of Pornographic And Pornotextual Arts changed the name of its annual awards from the Also-Rannies to its current title, the Excellence in Adult and/or Erotic Entertainment Honors. A simple nine-foot statue was wheeled across the parking lot.

"That looks like my Uncle Oscar!" someone exclaimed. "He is nine feet tall and also made of gold! You see, he was an alchemist and suffered from gigantism."

From that simple outburst (quickly repressed by police and clergy), a tradition was born.

Read the list of "The Oscars of Porn" after the gap.



"I believe in America," Beloved Porn Journalist Gram Ponante said at the quiet ceremony. "I believe that everyone should have his or her own adult awards show. And we are quickly reaching a point where the ratio of Americans to adult awards shows is 1:1."

Attendees wept and prayed as the awards were announced over strong cocktails and light salads. The spontaneous nature of the event kept any winner from attending, so in that way the ceremony was much like established awards shows such as the Adultcon Awards, the Temptation Awards, the FOXE awards, and the XRCOs.


Quintessence Award
Dirty Harry
"This award is presented to the person or persons who best represent the public's perception of adult entertainment. Dirty Harry often plays an incestuous scumbag who pimps out his daughter or seeks out women to beat him up. Harry truly is Dirty, and a scene in which he does not end up shrieking at someone or sobbing in his despair is uncharacteristic. God Bless You, Dirty Harry."

Self-Lubricating Arriviste
Sindee Jennings
"As R.E.M. said, 'Everybody squirts sometime', but Sindee Jennings squirts all the time. She squirts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and if she lived in London, she'd squirt for tea. She might even squirt tea. And unlike other squirters who have taught themselves how, Jennings' squirting is wild and untamed, as if ordained by God. It does not feel forced, and its consistency coats, soothes, and relieves. She is also from Texas, where my people live."

Sniffer Made Good
Dave Navarro
"Navarro circled closer and closer to porn until people started saying 'Red Hot Chili Who?' 'Jane's What?' While industry insiders might say that he has not paid his dues, remember that industry insiders rarely pay their cable bills. We look forward to a day when Navarro reaches 25,000 posts on porn chatboards like every other loser."

Best Intentional Porn Comedy
Spunk'd
"Porn should be funny, and often is. Sometimes it seems people bend over backwards to siphon all the fun out of it. But this ensemble comedy starring Nick Manning and a dozen or so others achieves the lofty purpose of making a porn movie funny on purpose."

Best Unintentional Porn Comedy
Debbie Loves Dallas
"A textbook case of reach exceeding grasp. Both the movie and its director (and we made sure to verify this beforehand) had no intention of being so abysmally, unintentionally hilarious."

Best Celebrity Sex Tape
Amy Fisher Caught on Tape
"A certified MILF who clings to her 'Long Island Lolita' roots, Amy Fisher, if I were a porn fortune cookie, would be 'Welcome at any gathering'. Without a doubt the best sex tape this year, because all the others were made to be watched by only a few people at most. This one was made for public consumption, even if half of the parties involved say it wasn't."

Concerted Effort
Jenny Hendrix
"As Pink Floyd said, 'I've got the obligatory Hendrix sperm.' Hendrix works wicked hard. She has three phones working overtime. She hasn't taken a break since July. She makes drinks for people on set. She works well with others. She's thrifty, clean, and reverent. I would definitely recommend her for employment, a home loan, or cabinet position (preferably Reverse Cowgirl Secretary)."

Male Performer Who Knows What Time It Is
Nick Manning
"For men who watch porn, watching other men is difficult, even impossible. And since no one will pony up for a greenscreen anytime this decade (despite porn being on the cutting edge of technology and all), the most we can hope for is that the male talent is entertaining. Nick Manning (close runner-up: Steven St. Croix) shows the perfect combination of acting and performing chops as well as a solid sense of where the male porn performer is in the firmament. He only steals scenes when there are no women in them. He doesn't overtalk, he shares the spotlight. And when allowed to do his thing, he displays the most sardonic character possible who still gets to 'wreck!' women onscreen. No one has a problem with Jack Nicholson playing the same character in every movie, so Manning should get an award, too."

The Kami Andrews Wish You Were Here Award
Lorelei Lee
"Who knows if she will be back, but Lorelei Lee is gone now, and we miss her."

Tony Conigliaro Award
Nicki Hunter
"This award, like its baseball counterpart, goes to the person who overcame adversity in style. Nicki Hunter was diagnosed with lymphoma one year ago and has returned to the adult business with equal parts vengeance and class. Congratulations also to the various fans and coworkers who got put personal gain aside to help out their friend."

Best Porn Set
(tie)
Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party (all)
Barely Legal 75
"Usually I only spend a few hours in rooms full of naked women. Something changes when I'm there all day, as if I remember that there is an intrinsic value in spending the day with a room full of naked women. I feel like Caligula without the parts falling off. And Cousin Stevie and Erica Mclean run a very smooth, casual operation."

Best Logline

Cuckold - Chatsworth Pictures
"Sometimes the only thing wrong with your wife is you."


Best Inevitable Title

She Is Half My Age - Brandon Iron
"Porn has always been about older men and younger women. It seems more like Sociology class to watch people the same age having sex (that's why I stayed in college so long). This movie puts a name on the giddy joy one feels when discovering that $900 and an agent's fee can buy you Faye Valentine."


Biggest Comeback (Where "biggest" is the shortest intervening time between announcemment of retirement and retraction of retirement)
(tie)
Luke Ford
Kurt Lockwood
Belladonna
"Luke Ford announced he was leaving the porn industry yet continues to show up at porn events, Kurt Lockwood announced his retirement, paternity, and a move to Spain in September and returned to work in October, and Belladonna announced her retirement from performing and three weeks later announced her retirement from her retirement. Needless to say, some comebacks are more welcome than others."

Most Satisfying Movie
Naughty Flipside
"When you get right down to it, the most effective porn format ever is the gonzo, in which setups are kept to a minimum and sex scenes get underway quickly. The scripted feature may showcase other talents of the cast and crew, but those are always exercises in diminishing returns, no matter how well-intended. Naughty Flipside Volume One presents the perfect combination of quick, fantastical setups followed by the lighthearted inevitabilities of Dana DeArmond, Sasha Grey, Adrianna Nicole, and Pinky Lee."


Ambition without Embarrassment Award
Upload
"Upload is a great movie. More than that, it is a movie that has high ideals. (Almost) nothing is worse than a movie that shows more of its creators' limitations than its creators' intentions, and this movie's intentions weren't grounded by budget, talent, or cast; every element shot for the sky. Also, there was sex in it."

National Institutes of Pornographic and Pornotextual Arts Director of the Year Award
Jim Powers
"Jim Powers is an effective porn director because he never forgets why the audience is there, so he keeps extraneous things like plot and guys' faces to a minimum. Despite this, he works so well within the limitations of the form that each movie is memorable and lightly-to-moderately sprayed with his own cultural references and cynical sense of humor. Watching a Jim Powers movie is the essence of a guilty pleasure, because you really do feel intellectually and spiritually ashamed afterwards. He's a genius."

Quote of the Year
Alex Sanders to Julie Night, Upload
"Get it wet or I'll stick it in you dry."

Previously: Gram Ponante announces Also-Rannies

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  ¶ Friday, December 28, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
  Interpreting the AVN Nominations - A Primer
If one were to download the PDF version of this year's AVN nominations in 120 categories it would result in a document 58 pages long. By contrast, the 1984 awards contained only 18 categories.

The big winner that year was Scoundrels, about the consequences of adultery. Today we commit adultery over coffee.

This reflects both the nichification of consumer tastes as well as the need to satisfy as many advertisers with nominations as possible. AVN will officially maintain that advertising within the company's media network does not buy awards, but that is only partially true; advertisers expect more consideration for their products and AVN, XBiz, and all adult trade publications of the past and future would be foolish not to provide it.

Read more after the gap.



But buying awards is an inexact science, and what is successful for one potential winner might not be for another. So I have no advice other than that Superbowl tickets are a great stocking stuffer for people of any faith, and blowjobs are pleasant all year long.


But let's talk about consumer taste. By 1984, when the AVN Awards were announced on paper, "commercial" porn had been around for decades, but it was still illegal in many places and delivery systems like video were not widespread. 1984's 18 categories reflected no fetishes like Asian, MILF, POV, Latina, Interracial, Anime, or Transsexual; those have evolved from availability and saturation (of the market, not necessarily Squirting).


This year's nominations are the most comprehensive in AVN's history, and at no time in the company's 24 years has the list of nominations shrunk from one year to the next.

With the weight of a quarter-century, the nominations have no choice but to get post-modern: awards for marketing movies and performers have increased to nine, the Crossover Star award has been renamed in honor of Jenna Jameson, and companies that make "classic"-style porn or that re-release ancient porn catalogs also have their own category.

This is the second year of the Unsung Starlet and Contract Performer award, which reflect both the hardest and least used talent in the business who haven't
otherwise been honored in Best Actress or Best New Starlet categories.


At the 2008 AVN Awards on January 12, most of the 120 citations will not be presented on stage; a video screen will flash the winners in between more significant awards. Last year's presentation, which was the first awards held at the Mandalay Bay Events Center and also the first awards for which regular consumers were encouraged to buy tickets, was also the slickest; still, by awards show standards, the AVN's are a train wreck.


And I like it that way. Long-time attendees will happily claim "but it's our train wreck", meaning that a shambling free-for-all filled with technical glitches, bombast, people playing dress-up, preening, and unintentional humor are a celebration of what Porn Valley is like every day.

If an outside company comes in to "handle" the awards, as might be the logical evolution of porn's mainstreaming, the January adult industry reunion will lose something, even as it gains a larger audience.

I predict the adult industry can sustain a 200-category awards show before things fall apart, but I better make some money off of it.

Previously: AVN 2007 wrap-up; AVN 2006
See also: AVN Awards

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  ¶ Tuesday, November 27, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
Monday, November 26, 2007
  AVN to announce nominees today, grousing set to begin thereafter
Nominees for the 2008 AVN Awards will be announced today, sources say, with other sources confirming plans for a 45-day stretch of bitching to commence immediately thereafter.

"We usually announce the Awards just before Thanksgiving, then go on vacation so we don't have to listen to the phone calls from irate producers and performers," said an AVN staffer who wished to remain anonymous.

But AVN employees sometimes give out their home phone numbers during less vulnerable times of the year, so they are often subject to bitching during the holiday weekend.

"It's hard to defend your employer's decision to not nominate Gape Fisting Fucktards for an acting category while saying grace over a turkey," the staffer said.

So the 25th annual awards will be announced later today instead.

"I've already got several numbers on speed dial," said one producer. "I plan to start with, 'So this is what a full-page ad gets me?!' and devolve from there. I do this every year."

AVN will announce a multitude of nominees in a multitude of categories, but company president Paul Fishbein noted that "not everyone will be happy."

"You're damn right I'm not happy," said the producer, who expects his Sybian Anime Dwarf series to be nominated in "at least 20" categories, including lesbian, though there are no lesbian scenes in any of the titles.

"I pay money, I expect a lesbian nomination," he stated.

When informed that nominations would be announced later, many AVN employees wished that they would not be announced at all, the staffer said.

"People will complain irregardlessly," he said.

"I AM GOING TO DECRY THE HATERS," stated one male performer on the message board Somebody Fuck Somebody. "IN THEIR GROWING NUMBERS. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS INDUSTRY LONG ENOUGH TO AT LEAST GET A BEST LESBIAN SCENE FOR MY EFFORTS."

Publicist Bill Mullet, who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative condition requiring him to send out no fewer than 50 press releases a week, nevertheless has a plan in place in case his client's film is not nominated.

"If it doesn't get nominated, I will say it is breaking sales records," he said. "If it does get nominated, I will say it is breaking sales records. It is a win/win/win situation."

At least one director is sanguine about the possibility of not being nominated.

"My hart is too big for this buienesss," he said in a prepared statement. "I cannt expektorate to be nomminated by corpirate MSM porn LOL. Thay dont recnize Art or alternativ bodays. The peepul who push things forward are nvr apreshiated in tahyr time."

The 25th AVN Awards will be held January 12 in Las Vegas. I will be co-hosting with Tera Patrick.

Previously: Male Performer of the Year*; Extended XBiz Awards still a fraction of AVN's; Tasteful "Ambition"
See also: AVN Awards, Also-Rannies 2007

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  ¶ Monday, November 26, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, November 01, 2007
  Expanded XBiz Awards categories still a fraction of AVN's
Despite increasing the number of trophies it will distribute in next February's 6th annual XBiz Awards to include performer honors, XBiz was dismayed to learn that its 51 categories still falls far short of the 3,217 awards AVN will have given out the previous month to most of the same people.

"We've got our own awards and conference in Los Angeles one month after AVN has its awards and conference in Las Vegas, we've got our own video magazine just like they do, we've expanded our toy coverage to compete with theirs, we revamped our website..." a visibly shaken XBiz said, "we've hired everyone they fired...Jesus Christ; What more can we do?"

Moments after announcing their expanded categories, XBiz learned that not only had AVN added 50 more prizes, including Perfect Attendance and Least Likely to Smell Like Adultcon, but also that the Chatsworth titan had purchased a zeppelin.

XBiz, on the line with Aeroflot, declined to comment on this or rumors that an independent commission will be splitting Dave Navarro in half for the purposes of the two adult trade magazines.

Nominations for the 2008 XBiz Awards will be open until December 31.

Previously: FBI busts Florida company for TMI; Industry shocker: AVN redesign doesn't look like ass; New copy of XBizWorld contains mousepad
See also: 2008 XBiz Awards, 2008 AVN Awards

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  ¶ Thursday, November 01, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
  Adultcon Awards Saturday
The first annual Adultcon Awards will take place on Saturday at Sunset Strip's Key Club, to be followed by a party there.

Presenting at the ceremony will be Kayden Kross, Renae Cruz, Ashlynn Brooke, Nick Manning, Evan Stone, Jack Lawrence, Tommy Gunn, Derek Hay, and Marcus London. The show is designed to last an hour.

The show begins "promptly" at 8, and organizers say that no one will be admitted until the show is over and the party has begun. Attendees must be formally or semi-formally clad. Men must wear suit jackets.

Larry Flynt and Tera Patrick will receive their awards in absentia. According to Adultcon's website, ClubJenna's Jay Grdina will accept his "Visionary" award in person. There is a $35 minimum for food and drinks.

Previously: Cleopatra of the Nile wants you to die; Case study: Porn rumors and how to handle them; Janine Loves Jenna
See also: Adultcon Awards

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  ¶ Tuesday, June 05, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
  Case Study: Porn rumors and how to handle them
I try to get a few independent sources before I print anything I hear as a rumor. That is why I print very few adult industry rumors; it makes for a less titillating site but I comfort myself that at least I can spell "titillating" and I have a huge schlong.

I am on the august "Board of Governors" for the June 9 debut of the Adultcon Awards. That means that I had a part in selecting from a list of pre-nominees the final nominees for awards in various categories. Now that the nominees have been chosen, the dignified American Academy of Adult Arts and Entertainment chooses a winner.

Also on the BoG are my acting partner Roger Pipe from Rog Reviews, someone from AdultDVDEmpire, and someone from Gamelink (the world's largest online retailer of adult films and one of my employers).

Last night I got an e-mail from April Storm, who is Tera Patrick's publicist. April had received an e-mail from Evan Seinfeld, who is Teravision's CEO and, more importantly, Tera's husband. He was angry that Tera didn't get nominated; wasn't April supposed to be on top of that?

Evan knew that Roger Pipe and I were people who regularly covered April's clients, so he mentioned us by name as people who had stiffed his Tera (and not in the good way).

This concerned me, because all I had been told about the Adultcon Awards was that they weren't fixed; that ballots were secret and tamper-proof. Adultcon's CEO, Renaud West, had assured me of this.

If what Seinfeld indicated was correct, West or someone at Adultcon had divulged voting records.

Here's the twist: I had given Tera a high vote in her category for Teradise Island. Why was I being thrown under the bus?

I won't say what anyone else voted, but I did some checking. While I gave Tera high marks, and one other person definitely did, yet another gave her a low mark. If the fourth vote was either very low or otherwise not high, that's how Tera didn't make it in. Wide differences of opinion are felt the strongest in small groups.

The following questions emerged: Did Evan lean on Adultcon to find out the votes? It would be in character for someone like Jaz Hoyt. And did Adultcon then cave in? If so, why would my vote be misrepresented? I'd have no problem with Seinfeld trying to find out voting records; that's how we East Coasters roll. We are from a land of political machines. It's how the Brooklyn Bridge was built and how Harry Truman became president.

But I couldn't stay on the esteemed BoG if my votes were divulged.

So I called and e-mailed Renaud West. He e-mailed me back that, while the BoG members were known to freedom lovers everywhere, their votes were not. He also asked if I got this "BS" from my "good friend April Storm".

I contacted April Storm. If someone had spilled the beans about votes, then someone was lying. How did Evan know about the voting, and why would he have been given the wrong information about mine?

"I have no idea," she said. "That's what confuses me."

She said that she knew of at least one other voter who gave Tera a high vote. It was still possible that Tera wouldn't get nominated if she got two lower marks. Evan, she said, was upset.

I needed to talk with Evan Seinfeld. I had his number somewhere, but I asked April for it. If she didn't give it to me, or if she stalled, that would have been a problem. She might be making up scores to appease her boss. She gave the number to me immediately.

So Seinfeld is a businessman, regardless of the business he's in. It is in his interest to want to know who voted what, even though he shouldn't be given that information; as long as he's not told, it's OK that he asks. I needed to know if he was given the voting tally, because if he had I wouldn't have anything to do with Adultcon.

"Renaud told me who was on the Board of Governors but he didn't tell me the votes," Seinfeld said. "I assumed it was you and Rog (who voted low on Tera)." Seinfeld then explained why he assumed these things.

"There's a lot of bullshit in this business," Seinfeld said. "I don't believe rumors."

So Seinfeld was looking out for Tera. When West found that Tera hadn't been nominated, he called Seinfeld.

"I didn't want to make that call," West said. "If this thing was fixed, wouldn't I fix it for Tera?"

So much trouble can come from irresponsible research and the willingness to believe everything one reads.

In the wake of an incident on a movie set two months ago in which I was assaulted by a performer who said, erroneously, that I'd called him a "fag", the blogger Luke Ford posted a libelous and ill-conceived story on his site, attributing the homophobic words of Ann Coulter (referring to John Edwards), to me.

Ford then wrote that, because of this, I was dumped from several of my writing gigs. He falsely attributed his story to the Associated Press.

I was called by several people, including an LAPD detective, who had read Ford's story, which was at that time not labeled as "satire".

"You told me you hadn't called (the performer/defendant) a fag," the detective said, fuming (it would have meant I'd lied on a police statement).

"No," I said, for the fifth time that day. "It was mostly a fabrication. The story would have been a complete fabrication had he not used actual quotes, but they were someone else's quotes attributed to me."

"Does he do this sort of thing a lot?" I was asked. "It wasn't even funny."

"Yes," I shrugged.

"Why do people still read him?"

"The adult industry has very low self esteem."

When I returned to my office that day there was an e-mail waiting. It was from Adultcon.
"Without going into details and due to certain outside influences, we have decided best to let you go. In light of the curent situation, it is the best way maintain the integrity of the show.

We hope you understand and thank you very musch for your past support."
It turned out that West had read the Luke Ford piece and believed it immediately.

It got resolved, but I am still defending myself against this story. Someone wrote me about it last week. That story has wasted as much time for me as the assault that preceded it.

"Crazy story," AVN president Paul Fishbein said when I mentioned it to him. I also asked him why AVN didn't seem to have any interest in covering physical assaults on porn sets or juicy libel cases. "Ultimately, you know Luke's real colors. Always an agenda and usually not nice."

I'll continue to send Luke Christmas cards.

In the end, I told Seinfeld the vote I gave Tera. It was easier than telling him I gave her a low vote, but I would have done that, too.

I realize that in telling Seinfeld my vote, even in the effort of trying to determine if the Adultcon Awards were easy to sell out (they're not), I made it easier to figure out how the other three entities voted. That was a mistake I won't repeat, but it was for a larger goal.

That's the latest from the rumor mill. In other news, the Kim Kardashian sex tape is still an awful movie.

Previously: InTERActive: choosing the blue pill, yellow bikini; Mooninites descend on Boston; Cleopatra of the Nile wants you to die
See also: Adultcon, Tera Patrick

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  ¶ Wednesday, May 23, 2007   3 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, May 03, 2007
  Pipedream smokes competition despite dubious reality
The National Association of Container Distributors has presented its Gold Award to Pipedream's Lover's Cocktail, despite my incredulity that such an organization existed.

"Oh, we exist," a spokesman for the 26-year-old group said, though I could not see him and wondered later if I'd dreamt it.

"I run a porn site, right?" I asked myself, again and again.

Returning to my inbox, where the press release about a container distributor award still sat, I realized it was true.

Packaging is very important. For instance, my sperm might be 98% motile with a tremendously fecund follow-through, but it's really important that my dick is huge.

Employing that principle, Pipedream apparently packaged its product so well that the Lover's Cocktails trumped 130 other competitors.

In other news, here's something else not related to porn.

Previously: Where everybody knows your lube; Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Fizz Soda-flavored lubricant (fleshbot); Publisher vets lube; Dildos and freedom
See also: Pipedream, The National Association of Container Distributors

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  ¶ Thursday, May 03, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, April 30, 2007
  FAME Awards actually have cool prizes
Unless they are used for bludgeoning enemies, most award trophies are useless.

You need to set aside space for them, often building display cases that could better be used for fish tanks or a Pac Man table. People feel awkward around them. They think, "That dude built a display case for his XRCO placque." You need to dust them. You need to worry that guests to your home or office might be compelled to photograph themselves with the trophy up their asses.

I have nine AVN awards, so I know.

That is why I laud the FAME Awards for shelling out some cash for practical awards, to be handed out by Tera Patrick and Evan Stone June 23. The Favorite Female and Male Stars will receive either a Tiffany pearl necklace or a blue-diamond watch, worth $7k between them. That sort of stuff is so much easier to sell than my AVN trophy for 2004's Gram Ponante's Goo Goblins.

The finalists for the awards are below:
Favorite Female Starlet
Belladonna
Carmen Luvana
Hillary Scott
Jenna Haze
Jenna Jameson
Jesse Jane
Stormy Daniels
Tera Patrick

Favorite Male Star
Evan Stone
Julian
Nick Manning
Randy Spears
Scott Nails
Shane Diesel
Steve Holmes
Tommy Gunn

Favorite Oral Star
Ava Rose
Carmen Luvana
Courtney Cummz
Eva Angelina
Jenna Haze
Roxy Jezel
Teagan Presley
Tory Lane

Favorite Anal Star
Annette Schwarz
Belladonna
Courtney Cummz
Flower Tucci
Katsumi
Missy Monroe
Naomi
Tory Lane

Favorite Breasts
Amy Ried
Eva Angelina
Gianna
Jesse Jane
Shyla Stylez
Sophia Rossi
Stormy Daniels
Tera Patrick

Favorite Ass
Belladonna
Brooke Haven
Carmen Luvana
Gina Lynn
Jenaveve Jolie
Jenna Haze
Sunny Lane
Teagan Presley

Hottest Body
Jenna Haze
Jesse Jane
Julia Ann
Kirsten Price
Nina Mercedez
Sophia Santi
Teagan Presley
Tera Patrick

Favorite Female Rookie
Amy Ried
Annette Schwarz
Aubrey Adams
Casey Parker
Dana DeArmond
Sasha Grey
Sophia Rossi
Tia Tanaka

Favorite Feature Movie
Brianna Loves Rocco (Vivid Entertainment)
Corruption (SexZ Pictures)
Fashionistas Safado: The Challenge (Evil Angel)
Island Fever 4 (Digital Playground)
Joanna's Angels 2: Alt Throttle (Burning Angel/VCA)
The Da Vinci Load (Hustler Video)
The Provocateur (Club Jenna/Vivid Entertainment)
The Visitors (Wicked Pictures)

Favorite Gonzo Movie
Ass Worship 9 (Jules Jordan Video)
Belladonna: Manhandled (Belladonna Entertainment/Evil Angel)
Big Wet Asses #9 (Elegant Angel)
G for Gianna (Jonni Darkko/Evil Angel)
Jack's Asian Adventure (Digital Playground)
Jenna Haze: Dark Side (Jules Jordan Video)
Sasha Grey Superslut (Suze Randall/Pure Play Media)
Slutty and Sluttier (Manuel Ferrara/Evil Angel)

Favorite Director
Brad Armstrong
Eli Cross
Eon McKai
Jules Jordan
Justin Sterling
Paul Thomas
Rocco Siffredi
Seymore Butts

Dirtiest Girl in Porn
Annie Cruz
Ariana Jolie
Ashley Blue
Ava Devine
Belladonna
Cindy Crawford
Deliliah Strong
Hillary Scott

Favorite Studio
Adam & Eve Pictures
Club Jenna
Digital Playground
Evil Angel/Evil Empire
Jules Jordan Video
Naughty America
Red Light District
Vivid Entertainment
Wicked Pictures
Zero Tolerance/3rd Degree/Black Ice

Wild Card Category Selected by the Fans
Favorite Performer of All-Time
Christy Canyon
Ginger Lynn
Janine
Jenna Jameson
John Holmes
Marilyn Chambers
Nina Hartley
Rocco Siffredi
Ron Jeremy
Seka
Tera Patrick
Vanessa Del Rio
The FAME Awards will be held during Erotica L.A.

Previously: Evan Seinfeld, Wife to host FAME Awards; FAME recognizes small asses
See also: FAME Awards

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  ¶ Monday, April 30, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
  XRCO Night at Forbidden City
The X-Rated Critics' Organization Awards will be held at Forbidden City on the corner of Hollywood and Vine on Thursday, April 5. Doors open at 7 p.m.

The Awards used to be held in Century City, an area of Los Angeles reachable only by accident, and then Hollywood's CineSpace. Why they have been moved yet again is a mystery to me, but then the XRCO, of which I am a member, is also a mystery to me.

(This photo of Jenna Jameson is from the 2005 XRCOs; I believe this was the year Jenna started winning different varieties of Mainstream Crossover Star awards.)

Previously: XRCO announces nominees; XBiz Forum and Awards: Us v. Them; "Shut up, please": the 22nd annual XRCO Awards
See also: XRCO

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  ¶ Wednesday, March 28, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 22, 2007
  Adultcon Awards nominations open
Remember yesterday when I said that the only thing that could ease me out of my despair was an awards show? Well, Adultcon will be throwing just such an awards show on June 9 at Hollywood's Key Club, and nominations for awards will be accepted until March

The Adultcon Awards are based on the same voting system as the Emmy and Academy Awards in that they are voted on by members of the adult community
...says the press release, revealing that if you had a problem with Crash winning Best Picture last year it was the adult community's fault.

Performers may nominate themselves in the following categories by visiting the website:

BEST ACTRESS AWARDS

· BEST ACTRESS FOR AN ANAL PERFORMANCE

· BEST ACTRESS FOR AN ANAL / VAGINAL PERFORMANCE

· BEST ACTRESS FOR AN INTERCOURSE PERFORMANCE (this confuses me -are there aspects of intercourse I don't know about?)

· BEST ACTRESS FOR AN ORAL PERFORMANCE ON A WOMAN

· BEST ACTRESS FOR ORAL PERFORMANCE ON A MAN

· BEST ACTRESS FOR SELF-PLEASURE PERFORMANCE

BEST ACTOR AWARDS

· BEST ACTOR FOR AN ORAL PERFORMANCE ON A WOMAN

· BEST ACTOR FOR AN INTERCOURSE PERFORMANCE

· BEST ACTOR FOR AN ANAL PERFORMANCE (head up one's own ass doesn't count)

Previously: Cleopatra of the Nile wants you to die; "A fine spray of legitimacy"; XBiz Forum & Awards: Us v. Them; Will there be another Temptation Awards?; KSEX Awards: Meaty
See also: Adultcon Awards

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  ¶ Thursday, February 22, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
  Summer Haze wrestles for the dead, lost causes
Like a gang-banging St. Jude, Summer Haze for some reason will inscribe the names of "fallen stars from the family of X" into her Ladies X-Rated Wrestling Champion belt, presented recently at the Coastal Championship Wrestling smackdown in a high school gym in Cool Springs, Florida.

Haze's publicist writes:
Summer has been working hard for this and wants this belt to symbolize the people who have worked hard in the adult business in the past and present to make us the respected people we are today. So in Denver on February 23rd, Summers Belt will carry the names of fallen stars from the family of X in a special ceremony. Every few months, new members will be inducted until the belt is full. Not only will her belt symbolize the hard work and determination of the person wearing it, but the people who have fought to help us to get where we are today.

I can think of no better tribute to our nation's departed porn stars than to have their names on a wrestling belt wrapped snugly around Summer Haze.

According to the Coastal Championship Wrestling website, Ms. Haze is an executive assistant. The accompanying photos of the "Valentine Vengeance" event did not depict Haze actually wrestling to get the belt. Haze realizes that if wrestling is fake, why not just have a belt printed up rather than going through the motions?

I feel (w)restless and irritated with the You Just Don't Know How Stupid This Makes You Look aspect of porn today, particularly after also receiving an e-mail titled "Britney Rears to Shave Head Bald?" - but I'll get over it.

Starting an awards show
always makes me feel better.

Previously: Summer Haze spreads boobs around; Canada finally validates Gram
See also: Coastal Championship Wrestling, Fallen Stars of X

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  ¶ Wednesday, February 21, 2007   2 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
  Gram Ponante.com announces Also-Ranny winners
At a small ceremony at the Valley Ball breakfast buffet this morning Gram Ponante.com's parent company announced the winners of the Also-Rannies, awards given to movies and individuals whom we think were under-recognized by the recent AVN nominations.

"While we acknowledge that we are defining ourselves in relation to a better-recognized awards show, this understanding has 1.) never stopped anyone else, and 2.) comforts us in that the nominations-to-awards time took about 15 minutes," said Loup Perch-Tounge, sampling a buffalo wing medley.

In the quarter hour between deciding to have an awards show and presenting it, Perch-Tounge noted that the Also-Rannies already have a better band than the AVN awards.

"Everywhere I go, there's Roy Karch playing his harmonica," Perch-Tounge noted. "This morning I saw him by the Carl's Jr. and lured him in with this excellent ranch dressing."

Like the honors upon which they are based, the Also-Ranny awards are wreathed in controversy, exultation, and dashed hopes. Particularly bruising this year was the decision to not present a David Sturman Award.

"It would have been a ten-way tie," said Perch-Tounge of the accolade given to a company that went through more publicists in a given period. "And there was a lot of lobbying, but no one was employed long enough to send the followup paperwork."

There was also a clerical error that resulted in an award being granted to a movie that was already nominated in the same AVN category.

"I didn't notice there was a second page," said Gram Ponante.

The awards themselves are small stuffed animals bought at the Roscoe offramp of the 5 freeway.

"We were going to use overstock Temptation awards," said Perch-Tounge, "but the Also-Rannies are known for their devotion to quality."

Here, then, are the 2006 Also-Ranny awards. Congratulations to all the winners.

Screenplay
The Da Vinci Load, Hustler, Nelson X

Every movie submitted for nomination has its own backers within a company, and Da Vinci Load lost out to Aphrodisiac at Hustler. Da Vinci Load is the superior movie in every regard, but especially Nelson X' screenplay, which is witty, misanthropic, and a great example of porn for smart people.

Director
Ernest Greene, O: The Power of Submission, Adam & Eve

Greene got performances out of people that were surprising and nuanced. He also tackled a weighty subject with grace and ease and took his audience with him, rather than considering the audience unworthy of the credit.

Gonzo Series
Smokin' Crack, Barrett Blade for Sin City/Mayhem

Blade's simple setups and competent but not over-wrought camera work made this series exactly what it should be: an effective porn stash document.

Alternative Release
Psychocandy IV, Benny Profane for Pirate Booty Productions

A different aesthetic and an unwillingness to cater to every Pornywood formula makes this infrequently-produced series (and 2006' entry) special.

Black Release
Indigo Noir, Roy Karch for Adam & Eve

Slick and no-nonsense, this movie delivered the goods without attempting to make the audience forget it was a porn movie.

Animated Release
The Princess Has Come of Age, Black Widow Productions

The Princess looked just like Natalie Imbruglia

Best New Starlet
Lorelei Lee

First you notice that she's smart, and everything fits into place from there.

Best Actor - Video
Tommy Gunn, O; The Power of Submission, Adam & Eve

Actually nominated for this role in a supporting category, Gunn deserves the top slot

Best Non-Sex Performance

Veronica Hart, Neu Wave Hookers, VCA

Hart literally pops up unexpectedly in the "I Dig It" sequence of this movie which, as I look back on it, is far and away the best scene of the film

(We were going to nominate Gram Ponante, Adrianna Nicole, and Tee Real for their work in Barbed Wire Kiss, but Creative self-casting would have been the Eli Cross award, and we only had so many bunnies.)

Best Sex Scene
James Deen, Tommy Pistol, and Veronica Hart, Neu Wave Hookers, VCA

Same scene, and Veronica is not having sex with the lip-synching Pistol and Deen, but they are waving their junk at her

Best Music
Atomic Vixens: Escape from the Valley of the Sluts, VCA

All MySpace bands, herded like cats, and providing this movie with a Space Mexican surf-guitar feel

Best Director, Body of Work
(tie) DCypher
(tie) Roy Karch

Both guys work for multiple companies and put a little blood into each production, delivering value to their employers and, I think, not getting the credit they deserve.

Specialty Series
Couples Seduce Teens, Pink Visual

Creepy? You bet. One forgets that everyone involved is tested, documented, and in on the joke. A great "reality" series for people feeling pervy and not socially responsible.

Previously: Report: XBiz award desirable; Night of the Stars recognizes freedom, snacks; Adult industry evens ratio of awards to movies; F.A.M.E. recognizes small asses; You're all pretty
See also: portions of this article appeared on Gamelink

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  ¶ Tuesday, November 21, 2006   7 Comments Links to this post
  

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    18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement This Website fully complies with 18 U.S.C. 2256 and 2257 and the regulations promulgated thereunder. The owners and operators of this Website are secondary producers and are not the primary producer (as defined in 18 U.S.C. 2257) of any of the visual content contained in this Website. All models, actors, actresses and other persons that appear in any visual depiction of actual or simulated sexually explicit conduct appearing or otherwise contained in this Website were over the age of eighteen years at the time of the creation of such depictions. All other pictures, graphics, videos or other visual media displayed on this Website are exempt from the provision of 18 U.S.C. 2257 (a) through (c) and 28 C.F.R. 75 because the pictures, graphics, videos or other visual media: (1) do not consist of depictions of sexually explicit conduct, but are merely depictions of non-sexually explicit nudity, (2) contains only visual depictions of actual sexually explicit conduct made before July 3, 1995, or is produced, manufactured, published, duplicated, reproduced, or reissued before July 3, 1995; (3) contains only visual depictions of simulated sexually explicit conduct; (4) contains some combination of visual depictions described in (2) and (3) above; (5) have been certified by its primary producer to the operators of this Website (as secondary producers) to satisfy the standards under (2) through (4) above. 


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