| --Wednesday, November 19, 2008--
Livingston Taylor at the Wombat Room
 Lou-Ellyn is not dead; she's just bored with the title of the movie she's in.
I reviewed Abby Winters.com's masturbation epic Intimate Temptations for the website Fleshbot and can't stop thinking about it. What kind of name for a porn movie is Intimate Temptations? It sounds like a cookie store at the mall.
A porn movie deserves a better title, lest someone think it's not a film featuring women masturbating each other to orgasm but instead a General Foods International Coffee or the lounge at the Sheraton where every Tuesday night Dreamboat Annie, a Heart cover band, plays to eight or nine people, which include Dreamboat Annie.
 It turns out Intimate Temptations was a consensus title. Because I am America's Beloved Muckraking Porn Journalist, I flew to Australia (John Travolta was my Qantas pilot/Scientology auditor) and unearthed Abby Winters.com internal documents to discover several rejected titles:
Erotic MoodsWarm FeelingsSensual GlancesPleasant FondlingsLazy AfternoonsVibrating PassionsStrollin' in the ColonDamp FoldsHeated FlooringEarnest Rubbings
 As you can see, there is plenty to recommend this movie, which makes the title tragedy greater. Imagine Nick Cave releasing an album called Intimate Temptations.
See? You can't do it.
Watch Intimate Temptations now.
Buy Intimate Temptations now.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Oi my aching back; Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls
See also: Abby WintersLabels: abby winters, australia, masturbation, new porn daily, outrage, porn lesbians
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
 
--Wednesday, October 22, 2008--
Abby Winters: Oi my aching back
 I imagine the women of Australia's Abby Winters studio blithely masturbating themselves into a Girls Only/sex positive stupor as outside dingos eat their babies and Jane Campion lurks with a camera, trying to capture them peeing.
 But I had trouble with the boxcover copy for their latest movie, Real Girls, Real Orgasms:
Twelve Australian amateur babes masturbating to an intense climax. There’s no one else in the room but you. The girls moan in ecstasy, caressing and squeezing their writing bodies. Wet fingers, ached backs and glistening thighs show you exactly how real Australian amateurs get off.
 What did it mean, "caressing and squeezing their writing bodies"? And why should I care about their backaches? It's not like those nice Maori didn't offer to carry their piano from the beach, even if that beach was in New Zealand, not Australia.
 Scanning the disc, I saw no one writing at all. If anything, they just talked about koalas.
Again with the goddamn koalas.
And Gulpilil. David Gulpilil's spirit pervades this movie.
Watch Real Girls, Real Orgasms here
Buy Real Girls, Real Orgasms here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls
See also: Abby WintersLabels: abby winters, australia, boxcover, masturbation, porn lesbians
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Wednesday, June 18, 2008--
It's not bestiality if the cow seems interested
 A friend from Australia hipped me to Melbourne's Digital Media Street Festival, running from June 20-27. The festival will feature "Erotic by Nature," a series of photos of nudes outdoors.
If you go, let me know.
(As you know, "QANTAS" is an acronym for Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services, in case you thought the land that inspired Outback Steakhouse scoffed at traditional q+u laws.)
Previously: Girls loving girls (but filmed by girl-loving guys); You better run, you better take cover; Products for your down under from down under
See also: My Erotic Touch, Digital Media Street FestivalLabels: australia, livestock
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Wednesday, March 05, 2008--
Girls Loving Girls (but filmed by girl-loving guys)
 Just today I learned definitively, despite the direct and contradicting quote from its star, that the story behind a celebrity sex tape I'd reviewed was a fib.
"Does the story even matter?" sputtered the celebrity's handlers.
"Yes, in that people will buy an otherwise unremarkable DVD because of the story you used to sell it," I said.
Recent porn stories have paralleled mainstream incidents of fraudulent behavior, and in each case the person caught in the falsehood will downplay it by saying that the context doesn't matter, just the content.
If that is so, then why tell the story in the first place?
Guest reviewer Larry Smathers reviewed Abby Winters' Girls Loving Girls. After meeting the delicious Abby Winters girls in January, I got a lot of comments and e-mail about how Abby Winters doesn't and never did exist, despite a backstory about Winters the porn-positive female photographer who wanted to make a difference.
That the company is run by a guy does not take away from the fact that "Abby Winters" has a good thing going, so the question remains: Why tell the lie in the first place?
Because, you know, if people buy the product based on the false story you tell to sell it, you're committing fraud.
Read the review here.
Previously: Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls
See also: Abby WintersLabels: abby winters, australia, larry smathers, minireview, porn lesbians
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Thursday, January 10, 2008--
Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls
 Prior to today I had never heard of Abby Winters or the women in her employ. But when I happened upon several grain-fed, exuberant, barefoot Australian girls frolicing on a rolling expanse of Astroturf, I realized something had been wrong with my life beforehand. Seriously wrong.
I immediately began pumping them for information, as it's no longer legal to pump them for kangaroos.
Q. Is INXS without Michael Hutchence really INXS?
A. They should be ashamed to call themselves INXS.
Q. What do they call Outback Steakhouse in Australia? "Steakhouse"?
A. I've never heard of it.
Q. What have you done with Yahoo Serious?
A. I think he's in a gutter.
Q. Dirty Deeds...
A. ...DONE DIRT CHEAP! We were born knowing those words.
Q. When you all get together in one room, what happens?
A. We roll all over each other.
Q. What is your favorite American expression?
A. "For shizzle."
Previously: Products for your down under from down underLabels: abby winters, australia, avn08, interviews, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Monday, December 03, 2007--
You better run, you better take cover
 In that AC/DC is from Australia, I am prepared to give the prison colony a chance. But I realize that what we like in our hard-drinking, school uniform-wearing rock bands we mght not appreciate in its porn personalities.
Only the convincingly-named Jenna Taylia in Aussie Fuck Fest: Canberra doesn't fill me with memories of dried Pabst on low-pile frat house carpeting, ancient cigarette smoke, and sweat pants.
This West Australia travelogue is filled with old couches, dingy bars, and hours-long bus rides. I'm not looking for Vivid, just a little Windex.
Previously: Products for your down under from Down Under
See also: Tight Candy ProductionsLabels: alcohol, australia, new porn daily
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
--Tuesday, June 26, 2007--
Products for your down under from down under
 I recently returned from Australia, the land my forebears colonized, where I visited Byron Bay's Black Label Adult Shop, a luxury sex toy retailer positioning itself as not only that hemisphere's largest purveyor of high class adult goods but also as a global luxury brand.
I spoke with co-founder Bliss, who told me the website just went online after six months of toy acquisitions and the photography and product descriptions that accompanied them.
Prior to making part of my mortgage from writing about marital aids, I subscribed to what is known as the Lebowski Doctrine:
The Dude: Well, I still jerk off manually.
Jackie Treehorn: Of course you do.
...but as I've aged (I'm now 22), I realize that sex toys can be fun, stylish, and - most of all - practical. Let's say you wanted to restrain your partner. Would you use household items like tire chains and sandpaper? Not after your incarceration, you wouldn't. Instead, you'd use something like this.
Or, Ladies, what if your shame and materialism combined to thwart the midday masturbation recommended by your HMO? Well, you could secret one of these in your Prada bag and onlookers would just think you'd been by the seaside collecting stones, when in reality you are some kind of sybarite.
 Fellas, are you a two-toweler like your friend Gram? Why not own a device that looks like a fancy towel rack from one of those upscale gated communities?
I'd never been to Australia, so I was interested in the role of wombats in Parliament and if dingoes did actually roam the land eating babies.
"Did dingoes eat your baby?" I asked Bliss.
"No," she said.
"Are they scheduled to?"
I also asked the name of that reptile crawling perilously close to me.
"It's a Water Dragon," she said.
"Not a wallabee?"
"No."
 Despite its seaside resort location, Black Label ships immediately to most parts of the world within one week. I asked if there were locales that were trouble.
"I spent four years working with (Byron Bay's) Sax Leather and we found that a few countries consistently defrauded us with bad cards or issued chargebacks even though we know the items arrived," she said. "So to save the hassle and our limited funds we have decided not to deal with them."
According to Black Label's website, countries including Indonesia, Bulgaria, Romania, other Eastern Europe countries, Equatorial Africa, Russia, Former Soviet Republics, and some South American countries are considered high risk and Black Label will not accept orders from these locations.
It is a shame the company has had bad checks from Bulgaria, when Bulgarians, according to recent U.N. data, are in the most need of sex toys.
That said, Black Label stocks products that are to sex toys what Kobe Beef is to Burger King. One of their most expensive gadgets is JimmyJane's Little Gold Vibrator (allegedly endorsed by Kate Moss), which retails for nearly US$300. I would have to bag 10-15 koalas to get that loot, plus I don't have a vagina. If I did, I understand it would be worth it.
The company does not make its own products. Instead it imports its stock from companies like America's JimmyJane and Sweden's LELO to validate its claim of "the most beautiful sex toys on the planet".
"We get most of our orders from America," Bliss said. "(Though) Australia is a seriously decadent country."
I was not aware of this. None of the Star Wars footage shot in Australia seemed decadent, and all those Midnight Oil videos had a shameful lack of booty shaking, still, people were walking around naked on the way to the bar down the road.
"Hippies," I said.
I asked how U.S. consumers might benefit from products shipped from Australia.
"I'm not aware of any sex toy shop in the U.S. that has a nude beach five minutes away," Bliss said. "That environment is reflected in our product choices."
"Five minutes by kangaroo," I noted. "But how far by foot?"
"Six minutes," she said.
"If I were to order a sex toy from you," I said, "I wouldn't want its delivery to be delayed by some Australian holiday like Michael Hutchence Day or Air Supply Eve."
"When we get an order we dispatch it immediately by express so it arrives in good time regardless of the customer's location," she explained wearily. "And if there is any threat of a delay, public holiday, low stock etc., our suppliers in the U.S. and Europe send the item directly."
"Any plan for Yahoo Serious-branded products?" I asked.
"Hell no."
"Good on ya."
Previously: Counting floggers on the wall: Mr. S Leather; Icon to explain dildoes; Dildopolis revisited: rugging
See also: Black Label, Sexpo Australia, Natalie ImbrugliaLabels: australia, international, interviews, marital aids
posted by Gram the Man
at
|
|
|
While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
 |
| |
