Porn Valley Observed: Home of Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist

--Saturday, August 30, 2008--

Zeina Heart: Unbearded Francophone

My theory of porn, gratuitous nudity, etc. is that no one actually thinks it's art, and it doesn't actually say anything about the world in which it was created. But a great number of things go through our minds when we look at it, as smooth and undisturbing a surface as it is, so that suddenly it can mean anything. That is why we talk about Bob Seger a lot on this website.

Zeina Heart can be hired by your adult production company until the end of October. It says here that she speaks French, which is helpful if you're making a Girl/Girl adaptation of "The Battle of Algiers."

Anyway, I was interested in the plant life in this photo so I called GramPonante.com's botanical consultant, Mr. Wilson. You can see that even a person who deals exclusively in the sciences can't help but project a sexual subtext on them.

GP: What kind of plants are those?
Wilson: I think it's some kind of an iris, probably like a water plant, because if you notice in the plant there's no dirt, it's basically rocks, so it could be like a Southwestern thing or ... but it's like it starts from a bulb so it's like an iris type thing but very, uh, similar to, uh, if you see like a bearded iris it kinda looks like a clitoral assimilation kinda sorta. They're very pretty but, mmm, sort of. Clitorises.

Mr. Wilson was no help when I asked him about the salt water in Hollis Mulwray's garden. "Bad for glass," he said.

Previously: Mapquesting Mahlia Milan's mixed messages
See also: ATM

Labels: agency, atm, bob seger, francesca le, new talent, science, wilson, zeina heart

posted by Gram the Man at Saturday, August 30, 2008 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Tuesday, August 26, 2008--

Mapquesting Mahlia Milan's mixed messages

Mahlia Milan is 5'7" and 22 years old. This much can be verified by satellite imagery. But what is she trying to tell us?

One end of her thong goes north while the other is pulled west. Her breasts go south by southeast. Even Pharaoh is no use but, like us, he is interested in where that thong is headed.

As evidenced by the last post, I am no photographer, but when I meet Milan I will be tempted to take her by the thong and say, "You can't be all things to all people."

Previously: Sizzling ATM scene with Jenny Hendrix and Erin Moore
See also: Adult Talent Managers

Labels: agency, art, atm, mahlia milan, new talent

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, August 26, 2008 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Monday, July 21, 2008--

Thank God it's Friday^TM

I get e-mails from a company called Adult Talent Managers declaring the availability (and for what services) of their clients for adult films. Today, even though it's Monday, the company announced the achedule of a woman named Friday, who will be in town in August, all 4'11" of her.

Friday does all the standard things, like blowjobs, girl/boy scenes, interracial scenes, etc., but she does it while taking up less vertical space. I feel the same way about Aiden Starr, another efficiency model porn performer whose motto should be "Better Highway."

But one can't look at the French Friday without invoking the name of the Intelligent Designer. That is why I have trademarked the ejaculation "Thank God It's Friday" to differentiate her from, say, Kiki D'aire, whose fans greet her with "Oh Jesus Christ."

I think "Thank God It's Friday" is an interesting way to remember both the performer and the actual day of the week, which is why I coined this slogan. I imagine that, long after the performer Friday has retired from her adult career, people might still say "Thank God it's Friday" when arriving to work on Friday morning, and maybe will even greet friends at their local chain watering hole at the end of a tough week with that statement.

Thus will something I invented for a woman who gives blowjobs for money pass into common English usage. That will be my legacy, my friends.

The initials of Adult Talent Managers, like those of Digital Playground, are shorthand for a specialized service often found in porn movies and in the wild. I think a good marketing ploy for both companies would be to offer their "initial" service across their product line, so every scene with Stoya will be a DP and every scene with Friday involves ATM.

Adult Talent Managers is, by the way, the only agency with the marketing savvy to submit its arrivals for this fantastic advertising service I provide, even though this site is read by dozens of people worldwide.

Previously: Sizzling ATM scene with Jenny Hendrix; Godel, Escher, Bree Barrett; Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia
See also: Adult Talent Managers

Labels: aiden starr, atm, Digital Playground, friday, kiki d'aire, new talent, stoya

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 21, 2008 | 2 Comments Links to this post

--Thursday, May 29, 2008--

Gödel, Escher, Bree Barrett

Here's 20-year-old newcomer Bree Barrett (no relation*) in a couple of Lulu/Goldie Hawn poses that are both retro and graphic.

I was intrigued that one of her talents is Bach parties. As you can imagine, the porn world jumps back and forth between Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" and Holst's "Mars, Bringer of War" with very little Telemann in between. Is today's porn consumer ready for a mathematical, fugal sex style characterized by multiple variations and particularly venerated by Lutherans?

The best part of this resume is that "interracial" is formatted like a fat girl's MySpace page.

*to Bree Olson

Previously: I see that I've made this joke before
See also: Adult Talent Managers

Labels: agency, atm, books, bree barrett, bree olson, new talent

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, May 29, 2008 | 1 Comments Links to this post