You would be correct if you accused me of perpetuating a stereotype about Asians' ability to pronounce the letter R in service of a pop literary reference that wasn't that funny to begin with. But this is what is known as a callback (or "carrback," if you are Asian) (See?) and the heaping of one vaguely funny thing on similar vaguely funny things creates a megajoke that is bigger than the sum of its parts.
Don't argue with it. It's science.
In this excellent gallery you will find the employees of Soapland Slip And Slide, an uniquely Japanese establishment in which "male clients come to have their most wet and slippery fantasies fulfilled."
Why this is such a personal journey of discovery for me is because the phrase "wet and slippery" just makes me want to put boots on and sand the tub.
Director David Aaron Clark has an excellent stills photographer in Glenn Baren, who snapped this shot on the set of (wait for it) No Man's Land Asian Edition 7: Mr. Hentai's Super-Funtime Pool Party, which would win next year's Longest Title award at AVN were it not for Digital Playground's Pirates II, for which that award has already been purchased.
"This is, of course, the Cahiers du Cinema shot of me directing. Jean Luc Broken-down-ol'-hentai, as it were," said Clark. From left to right are Annie Cruz, Destiny, Clark, and Jandi Lin.
I assume there will be no ghostly flashbacks in this movie like there were in the last one; ghosts don't congregate near pools.
I think the Doozers will have to build a Geek Retaining Wall around Jandi Lin, because I can see incoming slobber on Dradis.
Lin. tattooed star of David Aaron Clark's No Man's Land: Asian Edition 6 attended a recent Star Trek exhibit aboard Long Beach's Queen Mary with Clark and the sensually elfin Aiden Starr.
Lin knew that the Defiant was on Deep Space Nine and that Harry Kim would never incite mutiny against Tuvok. She executed a flawless "Live long and prosper" gesture and, more importantly, didn't disintegrate when being teleported.
The best superheroes drop clues about their abilities with their outfits. Spider-Man looks like a spider, Batman emits little screams to navigate in the dark, and Apache Chief cries when you litter. But what does this woman do?
It seems her ensemble is tailored to combat a specific kind of foe, but what is it?
This image comes from a site called Bizarre Japan, which is redundant.
Benny Profane writes:
That is Kekko Kamen, created by the famous manga artist Go Nagai (Creator of DevilMan and pretty much every giant robot from the 70's.) Kekko Kamen's main superpower is grinding her crotch into her enemy's faces until they are subdued.
"In the end, Ange Venus brings the whole thing over the line into a sort of, er, lack of redemption," David Aaron Clark said. "When all four of them get together."
"So why didn't you call it 'One Stroke over the Line, Ange Venus'?" I asked.
"I didn't have the resources at the time," he said.
As you can see, April Flores can hit a high C without using her hands or her voice!
Flores was in Hollywood with her husband, the director Carlos Batts, to promote Voluptuous Life, a sort of Lifestyles of the Abundantly Tasty that chronicles her various curvy exploits in L.A., San Francisco, and New York.
I like Flores because we are both native Spanish speakers with flaming red hair, and because she and Batts prove an exception to the rule of successful, happy couples in porn.
See more pictures after the gap.
The only time I had visited this studio space on Cole Ave. was my first on the set story after launching my website in 2005. All the sights and smells of the gangbang epic Six in Me came back as I stood drinking open bar liquor on the very spot where Jack Venice and Brian Surewood came on Terri Summers' face. I thought, if I could only have told Surewood and Venice then what we all know now, well, I would have got in the way of what eventually landed on the sweet Dutch Summers.
Voluptuous Life, produced by Bad Seed, was being hyped along with the soft launch of Adam & Eve's new label, Independent Adult Cinema. Bad Seed is Adam & Eve's gonzo division, said marketing vice president Peter Reynolds, so Voluptuous Life and Joe Gallant's Skin Trade, both of which are not gonzo movies, would have been on the IAC label had it existed this summer.
As it is, IAC's first official release will be a title directed by Joanna Angel, set to coincide with the AVN Expo next month.
Flores is the type of person people are happy to be around. There were women from all walks of life at the party, porn and non-porn, eager to push their breasts against hers.
Kimberly Kane, Masuimi Max, and the delightful Cherry of Jumbo's Clown Room (high on the list of phrases I never imagined I would type), all gathered to join their breasts with those of Flores, as if her breasts reflected the bulk buying power of a Costco membership and they all wanted a shot at pallets of Raisinets.
Adam and Eve, as you can see, is managed by men with trim facial hair and glasses. From left we see executives Wit Maverick, Bob Christian, and Peter Reynolds. These are the people who supply a good deal of the world's pornography; are you surprised they look so urbane?
Because I am gaijin I know very little about Japanese AV (adult video) models. This is unfortunate, because we all share an interest in tentacles.
Maria Ozawa was born in Japan to a French-Canadian father and Japanese mother. Because she is hapa we are both outcasts. She reminds me of Jennifer Connelly.
A Japanese friend of mine sent me this picture with the caption "This woman makes every contract girl in the valley look like a dog."
While I would never say that myself, fearing the shame that would be visited on me by my ancestors' ghosts, I do think The Hot Spot is ready for a remake.
Health care options: Naked nurse with statue of pig
Night Shift Nurses is the longest running hentai series in Japan. "Experiment 1" involves a man who wakes in a research hospital attended by a submissive nurse who will do anything to make him take his medicine. Anything.
While there is humiliation in American porn, no one can do shame like the Japanese, whose pornography requires mutual guilt. When Nurse Yugami discovers her charge with a morning erection, she pleads his forgiveness. Tormented, he demands she show herself to him.
"Now will you forgive me?" she weeps. Then he has a dream with her and the pig statue. It was like the guy who designed Roxy Music's album covers picked up a Pink Floyd gig.
I spoke with serene Orientalist David Aaron Clark on the set of his forthcoming No Man's Land: Asian Edition 6.
GP: What's with the wings?
DAC: Dream sequence. She watches sadly from the other end of the big living room while her sister fucks a little Korean tramp she doesn't approve of. Takes the spirit right out of her, as it were. Then she wakes up and masturbates in a Morrison/Cronenberg video circuit artsy kind of way in front of her own image on a TV set that transforms into ...
Before I started working in porn I could not name a single porn star if you showed one to me. Not even Ron Jeremy. I could have told you that someone looked like he or she might be a porn performer, but I couldn't supply a name.
Later, I would be surprised to find that the porn world had thousands of people working in it rather than the dozen or so people I felt were pretty interchangeable (before I began to live among them and learn their ancient ways).
And when I stumbled on some BBS porn site a few years ago and looked through it, each unnamed picture more about the parts than the person they were on, I felt like I did when I recently visited Asian And Hot, a paysite featuring hundreds of galleries of American Asians and Asian Asians.
Read more after the gap.
Visitors to the site will get most of the goods right away, meaning there are thousands of high-res photos already available of a pan-Asian cross-section, from skinny Thai girls to well-fed Japanese, and skinny Japanese girls to well-fed Thais, depending on how boyish you like them.
I asked a monk at my Buddhist temple what the site's Asiatic typography meant and, displaying an uncharacteristic nihilism, he replied, "They mean nothing."
A side deal with Hustler will deliver footage from that companys's Asian Fever series, but that part of the website, and a few others, like XXX Stories as of this writing, are not yet available.
(This is either a dildo or there is something grisly beneath that mattress.)
Still, hidden in the galleries are anonymous hot Asian girls as well as names Orientophiles will recognize, like Lucy Lee, Lucy Thai, Evelynn Linn, Annie Cruz, Bamboo, Kaiya Lynn, Loni, Mika Tan, Miko Sinz, Kaya Lynn, Ange Venus, Charmane Star, Giselle Yum, Katsumi, Kianna, Kayla Carrera, Mya Luanna, Nautica, Thi Michelle, and Tomo Paradise.
I did not see any women that were named (until I downloaded photos and saw that these women were named Emik, Dow, Belle, and Arielle, respectively) however, and this made looking at Asian And Hot the same kind of anonymous experience most people have with porn, which was fun.
Readers of Porn Valley Observed can get discount memberships to Asian And Hot for a limited time by clicking here.
I visited the set of David Aaron Clark's No Man's Land: Asian Edition 6 this weekend. The film stars Lana Croft, Ange Venus, Jandi, and Kitty. I brought a videographer friend of mine for whom this was her first time attending a porn shoot.
She threw up on the way. Twice.
"I drank a lot last night," she explained, but I remember feeling a little jittery the first time I watched Asians having sex (it happened in Science class).
The first porn set I ever attended was also an Asian picture (Whoriental Sex Academy 4, starring Mika Tan), so it was as if a circle closed in my august porn career by bringing my vomitous friend.
Afterward, she said, "Everybody was so nice; I guess I just didn't expect people to be walking around naked."
Read more after the gap.
The house in Encino looked like The Love Boat without the calming presence of Gavin MacLeod. It was a massive and ornate building, this rental, and, though I am no Howard Roark, my sense of design was offended. But it was perfect for the Porn of Manners film Clark was shooting inside, which required interpretive dance and multiple tableaux.
The setup was this: Lana Croft sits in the middle of the floor reading a Michael Manning manga that comes to life in front of her. Ange Venus is attended by Jandi and Kitty, the latter two wearing no shoes as they minister to Venus, who towers above them on her heels.
After Venus appears behind a column and totters seductively toward Croft, all the while doing a sultry dance, Jandi and Kitty appear to relieve her of her garments.
"You are removing the cloak from the queen, as it were," Clark tells them. Clark has directed numerous Asian titles and was recently named an honorary Asian by the Lakota Sioux. Like me, he is a so-called white man.
Clark makes fetish movies for fetishists; he is not punching the clock and delivering an Asian movie that might be a badonkadonk movie but for the presence of Asian talent rather than bubble-butt wielding sistahs. He has Venus redo her steps several times to perfect the effect.
The BDSM firecracker Aiden Starr is today the costume department. As Kitty walks by in a jangle of necklaces and beads, asking if she can adjust them, Starr replies that they'll just fall off when she starts fucking, anyway. It's good to have someone on set who knows her way around porn jewelry.
Sadly, Starr is not performing herself. It is not the first time I wished she were Asian.
Croft puts down her book and watches Kitty and Jandi go to work on Venus.
There are about 12 caucasians on the set watching this ritualized exchange between these four Pan-Asian women doing a dance of Clark's whimsy.
I asked Croft if she was more often stereotyped as a geisha or a schoolgirl.
"Definitely schoolgirl," she said, "though I'm more outgoing."
Later, Croft lies on the star in the middle of the floor. It looks freezing. Still, it makes me sad that the dentist who lives here will someday sully Croft's buttock prints with her slippers.
Would Captain Stubing be so heedless? No, he would not.
I spoke with performer/director China Barbie, who Tuesday was sued by Mattel lawyers in U.S. District Court in Manhattan. The manufacturer of the blonde, blue-eyed doll Barbie claims the performer made a "bad faith attempt to profit from Mattel's Barbie trademarks."
The New York-based model, who is part African-American and part Chinese-American, says "I am the antithesis of the blonde, blue-eyed girl. It's ridiculous that Mattel is suing me."
Read more after the gap.
Barbie learned of the suit yesterday when a friend called to tell her. She has not been contacted by Mattel or the court.
"I was wondering why I was getting all these friend requests on MySpace," she said.
Barbie, who adopted that name in late 2000 because "another model I liked used Barbie, and I liked the sound", launched her website in 2002.
She wonders why Mattel is so poky and selective in suing her, when there are dozens of Barbies on the web, and on sites like One Model Place and Model Mayhem.
It does seem odd that it has taken Mattel's lawyers so long to find her, but the focus may have come as the result of an unhappy accident: Mattel has had to recall several Barbie products made in China for lead poisoning. Google search terms bring the world together.
"I've always been under the radar," Barbie said. "I did a few movies and then I left the business." According to the Internet Adult Film Database, Barbie appeared in 26 films. She is now directing a line called "Butt Cakes" in New York, where she lives. She might appear in future films, she said, but only those she directs.
"I'm overwhelmed by this suit," she said. "I'm in no position to fight Mattel. But you can see from my website that I absolutely don't trade on the name or image of Mattel's 'Barbie'. I don't use the illustrations, I don't even use the font."
Barbie says she is willing to talk with Mattel and even make changes to avoid a legal battle, but Mattel has demanded that she transfer her domain to the company and cede whatever money she has made from her nom de porn to them, in addition to $100,000.
"That's ridiculous," she said. "Why me out of the 50 or so girls out there named Barbie, and why after six years?"
In that he ceased publishing his sex-tourist blog last November, the Londoner traveling abroad known as Morally Diminished has a site full of quaint depravity. It is like reading "Heart of Darkness" except with Thai hookers, katooeys, and other strangers instead of the Congo.
Read more after the gap.
Spent all day smoking fat jays in my hot sunny pool (after five Weetabix), watched Waiting (I fucking loved the Bat-Wing manoeuvre). After-dark ventured outdoors and soon returned with one of the hottest chicks I've EVER been with- a honey-skinned 22 year-old angel from Sukhothai. Drank a bottle of Moet together then, after chowing down on her sweet shaven box for a delicious tounge-cramping forty minutes, fucked like nasty-pigs for a few hours before sleeping soundly in each others arms (*puke*). I even still liked the little minx after I'd shot my load.
I mean, read this, a post titled "Things I Need":
Ten nine eight seven six more properties inc. East-Village Manhattan loft, canal-side Keizersgracht Amsterdam townhouse, gothic Hampshire castle with privet-hedge maze, cherry orchard, dungeon, helicopter on the roof, and snipers on the roof of the next building to make sure no-one steals my helicopter, packs of fast dogs and wild-cats, red-tiled pool, Pinoy gangster lair, paedo pad in Tokyo, brothel in Rio, retreat in Costa Rica, fuck-farm in Fiji, new old-Levis, Air-Max, more RAM, royal Nepalese temple ball, The Greenhouse's Arjan's Ultra Haze, Barney's Breakfast Bar's G13 Haze (plus all of these), Fabrique Nationale de Herstal's Five-seveN, "sticky shockers", Beluga, Ossetra, Sevruga, thallium sulphate, polonium-210, handmade Nickolas Buckalew skull-bong, GHB, ketamine, alprazolam, Klaxons tunes, to watch sally from Black People Love Us as a victim of The Gangbang Squad (while Johnny watches, perhaps taking a dark-sword in the shitter himself), that mega-shy phone girl from the latest True-Move ad, aLeda cellulose papers, Doctor Theodor Gilbert Morell magic prescription pad, and fortnightly "six-hole" threesomes with Am Patcharapa and May Pittanahd (minus disapproving Kantana chaperone), and so on...
People tend to think of all sex tourism as the act of traveling to other countries for the purpose of preying on minors. That is not always so. Sometimes it is preying on prostitutes, other hotel guests, or on people as fascinated with your skin color and income level as you are with theirs.
I found Morally Diminished entertaining and compelling truth in advertising.
Can't be sure whether she's always like this or whether it was her one-night-stand guilt combined with her recreational pharmaceutical consumption (something called Five-Fives that she buys in Singapore, no idea of trade-name). She was very turned on that she was being fucked and abused by a total stranger and, as I refused to tell her my name, and as had forgotten her's by this afternoon, we swapped phone numbers both using the name "stranger".
"I was really broke, and I wanted to do something I could at 23 that I couldn't do if I was really broke at 43," said Jenny, a first-time model for Richard Kern.
Jenny is not aware that someone will always be there to buy nude pictures, no matter what age one is.
Throughout this compelling interview on VBS.tv, Kern is referred to as "Kern". I wish my last name was pronounceable.
With a name like Third World Media, savvy porn consumers would expect only the best in Sub-Saharan Africa and Nigerian Internet Scam ladies, but in fact the company shoots on location just about everywhere other than Africa, including Japan, Thailand, and Brazil.
My favorite of their DVD titles is Exit Ass Enter Mouth. It's like Eat Drink Man Woman except Exit Ass Enter Mouth.
I believe she is standing on the bed. Other cultures are fascinating!
It is as if she has just discovered why that man is taking all those pictures.
In Brazil, they call them Emperor Dom Pedro bears.
Somehow the notion of leaving some piece of extraneous clothing on has made it across the Pacific.
This picture of Lana Croft in Red Light District's Obscene Behavior 2 reminds me of the scene in Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" in which (lesbians) Eleanor and (come on, they're so lesbians) Theodora clutch each other in a dark room against some unseen creepy thing outside, only to realize when the lights come on that they were across the room from each other.
"Good God - whose hand was I holding?"
Here is the first paragraph of "The Haunting of Hill House":
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
I'm sure that whatever walks in Obscene Behavior 2, walks erect.
You remember in This Is Spinal Tap when Nigel Tufnel played several bars of a moving piano ballad in "the saddest of all keys" and then announced that the song was called "Lick My Love Pump"?
You will agree that this picture is lovely, gauzy as it is and off-center. The title, which I've obscured, was etched in a thin, elfin, cursive font.
Kina Kai and Jasmine aren't looking at us like cynical porn chicks but as wholesome and innocent natives, perplexed but not put out that we have stumbled upon them.
You'd expect that the title of the movie would reflect the presentation, but you would be wrong.
Did you know the City Of Rancho Cordova, CA, established 2003, is hoping to annex some unincorporated Sacramento County land? And did you further know that Lyla Lei is dancing near there this Monday at Gold Club Centerfolds?
Sometimes it boggles the mind how much a part of history we are.
"Gold Club" invariably refers to the Gold River and the Gold Rush traffic that passed through that area in the mid-1800's. One can learn so much history just following strippers around.
If Lei's expression seems hostile, she has her reasons.
"Rancho Cordova's struggle to become the seventh city of Sacramento County was fraught with turmoil," she did not say, not adding, "and anyone who would dare to oppose annexing this little bit of scrub (not referring to her vagina but the 1.2 miles south of State Highway 50) will have to deal with me."
Without meaning to be political on this Memorial Day, "Mission Accomplished" was the first thing I thought to use as a headline for Uber Ego's Scaring Michiko, starring the appropriately scared Michiko Minx and the unnecessarily-named Scary.
My sympathies lie with Michiko in this movie. One reason is because she is refreshingly free of stereotypes. Not only is she an Asian and not wearing geisha makeup and a schoolgirl outfit, but she also does not once address Scary as "Joe", even as he works her over with some zappy thing.
My problem is with Scary. He does everything right, but it's the outfit and name with which I take issue. Wasn't the Gimp mask made obsolete with Pulp Fiction (1994)? And isn't naming yourself Scary an easy target? I felt the same way about Scary Spice. He should just call himself Dave; that way no one can say "Well, he wasn't that Dave." Here Scary does to Michiko what my dog does to me.
What truly terrifies Michiko, as you can see, are the vinyl sheets. It's these that finally force her into submission. She and Scary drive to Bed, Bath & BDSM after the movie and pick out something with a thread count that doesn't require a safe word.
You would be correct if you accused me of perpetuating a stereotype about Asians' ability to pronounce the letter R in service of a pop literary reference that wasn't that funny to begin with. But this is what is known as a callback (or "carrback," if you are Asian) (See?) and the heaping of one vaguely funny thing on similar vaguely funny things creates a megajoke that is bigger than the sum of its parts. 
