| --Wednesday, July 16, 2008--
Jagermeister in porn, XXVIth in a series, or: Dollar shots
 Where American porn tends to use the sound of lawnmowers outside the filming location as a prop, the Europeans (in this case, Cindy Dollar in a scene from Viv Thomas' "Members Only 5") often employ liquor cabinets.
"A well-stocked bar is a sign of wealth and attracts naked women," said Jean-Claude Parallelogramme, a spokesman for Europe (not the band).
The fetishist will note the presence of a Jagermeister bottle alongside other upscale liquors, whereas American plutocrats often consider Jagermeister suitable only for red-faced yahoos on Spring Break. We shall overcome. Nicki Hunter will help me change that.
Previously: Girls, Girls, Golf; Playboy's mounting Canadians
See also: Viv ThomasLabels: alcohol, cindy dollar, Europe, new porn daily, viv thomas
posted by Gram the Man
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PSK gets wood
 As you know, the fifth anniversary is the wood anniversary, and it is clear from this morning's Porn Star Karaoke anniversary celebration (I arrived at 2 a.m.) that Nicki Hunter inspires wood wherever she goes.
I will admit that the lights were on at Sardo's when I arrived, but there were still dozens of people milling around, and I won't say how I got a shot of Jagermeister long after closing time. Well, yes I will: I brought it myself and served it from a container in my possession without any official sanction of my actions. In fact, a union-busted employee at Von's supermarket sold it to me.
Host Wankus, with a newly shaved head, regaled and revolted the audience with songs and tearful anecdotes. Selena Silver showed up. Tony Batmann was there. I saw none of this because I was five hours late. But people had a great time. Why else would there be a party in the parking lot until nearly 2:30?
 But Nicki Hunter was there, standing next to a No Smoking sign, taunting it, daring it to tell her, of all people, to stop smoking. Nicki Hunter could have burned that building down looking like that and people would have said "Oh thanks Nicki! That was great! Ouch it burns! Ouch! Ouch! You're not wearing underwear! Ouch my skin! Yay! Thanks!"
I drove home thinking this way.
See also: Sardo's, Nicki HunterLabels: "nicki hunter", alcohol, PSK, tony batman, wankus
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, May 21, 2008--
Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies in Philadelphia
 I like Stoya because she reminds me of an Edward Gorey character with all the working parts Gorey himself wasn't interested in. I also think she has a wonderful face, reminiscent of my Soviet forebears. I have recently begun a Stoya immersion program (it's even better than you think) and talked with her via interweb technology at her home in South Philadelphia.
Gram: Why have you left me?
Stoya: I didn't move to offend you personally. I lived in L.A. for a year a couple of years ago, but I wanted to get back to my friends in Philadelphia. I have locational ADD. If any landlords are watching, I'll probably skip out on you in ten months or so.
 Gram: The Man doesn't read this website; only The People.
Stoya is in the two-disc DVD Cheerleaders. In the first disc she hangs by a locker and listens to the other girls talk dirty. In the second disc she reluctantly agrees to cheat on her boyfriend with Brianna Love and Manuel Ferrara.
Gram: There was some dramatic tension in Cheerleaders that you don't normally see in porn movies. You were what the movie became about.
Stoya: Oh, I'd say Jesse Jane was the star. I think you're biased.
 Gram: Goddamn right I'm biased. But you knew what Jesse Jane would be up to through the whole movie. You had a character arc.
Stoya: Those girls had big breasts.
Gram: That they did. That also set you apart. You worked with the only other woman (Brianna Love) whose breasts wouldn't put out your eye.
 Stoya: I have breasts. They're not humongous but they're fine. They've done fine for me as an adult in her breeding years. But when they sit me next to a girl who's 5'4" and has a couple of Double Ds I feel like a gawky teenager.
Until her wireless signal ran out, Stoya led the computer on a guided tour of her neighborhood.
Gram: Do you eat Philadelphia cheese steaks?
Stoya: No. I'm not in a vegetarian phase right now, but all that meat still makes me sick. I like pierogies. And spinach nuggets.
Gram: What about California? We don't really have pierogies here.
Stoya: Well, I like avocados. In fact, I love avocados.
Gram: I don't suppose you can go to the beach. You look translucent on this Interweb device.
Stoya: I have to cake on a lot of SPF-50. I don't care if I look like a jackass. I just don't want to combust. My mother gave me three rules: As long as you don't chew gum or stick anything in your butt you'll remain a lady. Well, I don't chew gum. Also: Don't use heroin. Check. Finally: Stay out of the sun.
Gram: Prior to becoming Stoya of Digital Playground, what did you do, or has your previous existence been suppressed?
 Stoya: I shot for GodsGirls.com and Razordolls.com, and I was a go-go dancer at clubs. It was like getting paid to work out while drunk. It was the best job. (Photo by Nikola Tamindzic)
Gram: What do you drink?
Stoya: Candy drinks and old man drinks. I like pomegranate schnapps. I could drink a whole bottle. And I used to walk into bars and slap my Marlboro Reds down on the bar and ask for whiskey. The bartender would say, "Really, Little Girl? Are you sure you're not an 80-year-old man?"
Gram: Well are you?
Stoya: Fairly sure.
Gram: Because if you were an 80-year-old man, I'd be asking myself some hard questions. Pirates II just wrapped. I would have gone to the set but only a select few were invited.
Stoya: People talk about how massive an undertaking it was, but I was only there for a few days. I did get fisted by Belladonna, however, which was magical and amazing.
 Gram: In terms of the big Digital Playground movies that are not about pirates, is there a pattern? What's the next logical step in the sequence that goes from Babysitters to Cheerleaders to ... ?
Stoya: They don't tell me because they don't want me leaking it, because I would. I don't know. Librarians?
 Gram: Not that I advocate MySpace (now that I have reached my early 20s I have settled down for a more Facebook sort of life), but is your MySpace blog really yours?
Stoya: At first it wasn't, but now it's all me. Someone was writing it for me. I had to say, "It hurts me to see someone writing with two Ts and eight exclamation points pretending they're me." So I do it now.
Gram: That's greatt!!!!!!!! So, you're staying in Philadelphia between movies?
Stoya: I even got a bus pass here.
Previously: Thomas Aquinas becomes Digital Playground contract saint; Stoya avoids labels; Jenny Hendrix keeps in touch; No Easter for Alix Lakehurst
See also: Stoya, Digital PlaygroundLabels: alcohol, Apple, belladonna, brianna love, Digital Playground, interviews, jesse jane, manuel ferrara, pennsylvania, stoya, technology
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, December 24, 2007--
Aiden Starr in my office with a Starbuck's Egg Nog Latte on her ass
 My AA sponsor says that I should be more concrete about things, and I chafe at this, you know, as an artist, but I console myself with the understanding that the subject of this post isn't too on the nose (since it's on her ass).
Seriously, if Starbucks doesn't recharge my and Aiden's Starbuckscard for this picture I'll be angry; this should sell more coffee than Diana Krall.
Previously: Aiden Starr and Caroline Pierce - just because; See The Taunting - then you drink
See also: Aiden StarrLabels: aiden starr, alcohol, because, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, December 10, 2007--
Jenny Hendrix' breasts to hibernate
 Jenny Hendrix, seen here mixing a beverage, is eight days away from getting new breasts.
"They're getting a little bigger," she confirmed.
We tried to organize a protest march through the streets of the Valley, but safety has become an issue. Still, the mood on the set recently was one of melancholy, as we all remembered fun things we've been through with Jenny's original breasts.
"You'll see the new ones at AVN," she said.
Don't pine for Hendrix' breasts, Reader. Like Frosty the Snowman, they will return again some day.
Previously: Jenny Hendrix keeps in touch
See also: Jenny HendrixLabels: "set visits", alcohol, because, breasts, jenny hendrix, van styles
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, December 03, 2007--
You better run, you better take cover
 In that AC/DC is from Australia, I am prepared to give the prison colony a chance. But I realize that what we like in our hard-drinking, school uniform-wearing rock bands we mght not appreciate in its porn personalities.
Only the convincingly-named Jenna Taylia in Aussie Fuck Fest: Canberra doesn't fill me with memories of dried Pabst on low-pile frat house carpeting, ancient cigarette smoke, and sweat pants.
This West Australia travelogue is filled with old couches, dingy bars, and hours-long bus rides. I'm not looking for Vivid, just a little Windex.
Previously: Products for your down under from Down Under
See also: Tight Candy ProductionsLabels: alcohol, australia, new porn daily
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, August 24, 2007--
Report: Night of 101 Girls "Pleasant", "Good"
 I attended last evening's Night of 101 Girls and found it pretty O.K.
There seemed to be no occasion for the party, other than I recently got my hair cut, but sponsors L.A. Direct Models, Vivid, Skinnie Magazine, and Effen Vodka nevertheless put on a brave face and threw a party anyway.
Read more after the gap.
The evening was billed as An Unforgettable Night of 101 Girls, and I suspect that, with my photographic memory and obsessive-compulsive disorder, I shan't. But what about everyone else? Someone is bound to forget, and how will that reflect on the adult party-throwing industry's reputation?
While I counted only 81 girls at the Cabana Club (I even checked the bathroom and the bottom of the pool), I was incorrect in my prediction that there would be exponentially more guys. It was not a sausage party; it was a reverse-Beach Boys with two guys per girl which, while it doesn't reflect America, makes for hardly a challenge with my new haircut. Besides, who wants to reflect America, anyway?
 I hung out with my personal bartender, Jenny Hendrix. She introduced me to the Liquid Panty Remover a couple of months ago and told me she had a new one.
"It's Blueberry Stoli, pineapple juice, and Sierra Mist," she said.
I replied how I could already tell how it would taste coming back up.
"What do you call it?" I asked.
"My friends in Tampa call it 'Gator Juice' but I've got to come up with a better name for it," she said. My suggestion is Crococide.
Hendrix hosts swinger parties. I mention this because she is one of America's Most Affable Porn Stars, and she made sure she talked with everyone at last night's event. Swinger hosts are often different from the swingers themselves. {I was on a set the other day when one of the people I cringe to admit does a similar job as me was shrieking at a visitor, "You're in the lifestyle?! You're too cute to be in the lifestyle!! Swingers are ugly and creepy!!" I have seen people act like the revolted object of Pepe Le Pew's affection when this person walks into a room.}
The party had an open bar sponsored by Effen Vodka, which I'd never heard of before. I think open bars are good. This bar was to be open for 90 minutes, from 9 until 10:30, but since the Cabana Club had not let anyone other than a gaggle of L.A. Direct Models in until 10, I had to drink fast. Hendrix and I approached the bar at 10:20.
Effen is a Holland-based company. The name in Dutch means smooth and fast. I suspect that the Effen people didn't do too much market research in the northeastern United States, because there their company name is fighting words, as in:
"I'm gonna hit you with an f'n baseball bat you f'n queefsmoker."
It's like if the apocryphal Chevy-Nova-in-Mexico story were true.
But I am known for my worldliness, so I ordered three f'n Cape Codders in ten minutes and no one knew I was violent.
 It was good I'd been drinking, because it dulled the shock of seeing Sophia Lynn.
"I heard you were dead!" I said, averting my eyes.
"I was a little sick," she admitted.
Lynn's early career in the adult business has been marked by tumult and confusion. In less than two years, she has been a short-lived contract performer for Adam & Eve, an almost contract performer for NinnWorx, has appeared on the same unflattering "Prime Time" show as Sunny Lane, and has had the kind of publicity porn people kill for.
"There's no such thing as bad publicity," she said. I wish this were a business in which that statement wasn't true.
She is now signed with L.A. Direct Models, and said she is working all the time.
 One of the selling points of the party for me was that there were to be Vivid makeup artists there who were going to paint lucky ladies like porn stars.
I asked Kayla Synz, who had just been made up, if she could designate whether she could be softcore, harlot, or whore.
"I'm a little less than harlot," she reflected, then told me she was very in tune with her sexuality. I asked if she was from San Francisco.
"How did you know?" she asked.
"People from San Francisco use the word 'sexuality' a lot," I said. My BART driver was talking about his sexuality the last time I was up there.
"I'm a transgender activist," he said.
"Yes, but how do I get to f'n Oakland?"
 The makeup lady asked me if I wanted to get made up, but I replied that if I became more perfect I would become inaccessible, and would no longer be America's Beloved Porn Journalist but America's Icy And Unattainable Porn Journalist.
Plus I didn't want to get mistaken for Dave Navarro on the way to my car.
I saw Ava Rose, who is also with L.A. Direct. I wasn't aware that contract performers need agents, but her contract allows outside still photography and softcore work.
She insisted on wearing a drink sticker on her forehead. But she could wear New Haven, CT and still look passable.
 I like the way Ava dresses. She told me she's been going to the gym. I told her that she'd look good even as a perfect sphere in a muumuu.
"I'll tell (L.A. Direct owner) Derek you say it's OK to get fat," she said.
I asked her if I could continue my Ava Rose in a booth series, and she agreed. It's important to me that my career has goals.
 As I was leaving I saw the Republican porn icon Savanna Samson. It was my first time meeting her. She seemed to float above the crowd a little, and I wondered if that was because of her confidence as a vintner.
She did not know me from a hole in the ground, because Vivid tries to keep me away from its contract stars due to the world-destroying heat it might generate, as predicted by Science.
Regardless, I risked telling her I liked her in Stood Up, and she smiled tolerantly.
"Could you give me a factoid about your wine?" I asked.
Not to give short shrift to anyone else there, but Samson is a veteran media professional and she seemed poised to deliver a practiced soundbite.
"Well," she said, "There's a little bit of me in every bottle. I get myself right into it and move my hips around."
I thanked her, but then we locked eyes and had the following conversation with our minds:
"Savanna, it's me, Gram. Why can't you let your guard down and just Be. Be with Gram. Be, Savanna, Be. Be, Goddamn You!"
"I'm afraid." The party was f'n pleasant.
Previously: Gia Paloma's fan letter; Hirsch's Heavies heave haunches heavenward; Obama behind porn endorsements?
See also: Vivid, L.A. Direct Models, Skinnie MagazineLabels: alcohol, Ava Rose, events, jenny hendrix, LA Direct, savanna samson, vivid, WGL
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, April 12, 2007--
Consumers demand more Drink Booze Parties
 Now more than ever, America's porn consumer is craving more drink booze parties in his adult entertainment.
Finger pressed firmly to the pulse of an insatiable public (yes, I used that word twice today), Flashpoint Productions has released Spring Break River Rats, a collection of pornographic images relating to rivers.
This is an assumption; the pictures are kind of small.
What's important here is that the video promises more drink booze parties as well as more hot sex.
You might say:
"Grams, it's just a spelling error. They meant drunk booze parties." And I would say:
"So the booze party itself is drunk?" Then:
"Who says 'booze party' anymore? The 90-year-old janitor at Gram Ponante Towers, Autoclave, Helipad, and Sub-zero freezerium?" Then:
"It's not like it would be a drunk milk party." It frightens me that alcohol is being used to sell pornography. It really should be enough that they're in a river.
BONUS: The cover model seems to be some kind of gladiator. This movie is all over the place.
Previously: But is it good for the Jews?
See also: Sandy BunzLabels: alcohol, dvd
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, April 02, 2007--
Today in porn swag
 I am a relative newcomer to the world of porn journalism, but I have seen my share of free promotional items, and Metro Fusxion's gift bag in support of Pat Myne's X-Rated both conforms to porn swag standards and exceeds them.
X-Rated has 15 hardcore scenes in it; seven originals which were shot over the past year, including vignettes featuring sweet, dirty, in a family way Missy Monroe, Sandra Romain, and Jada Fire, and eight additional scenes which had been nominated for various AVN awards.
The reason for the push is that X-Rated marks either Myne's 100th or 97th title for Fusxion, an imprint he was instrumental in starting. I was stunned to find in my scrupulous and independent research that there is not a single American movie either on the Internet Movie Database or on the Internet Adult Film Database that is simply titled X-Rated.
After my research, I rested for three or four days.
I asked Myne if he would continue the series, but he said that this movie would be one of his last for Metro. He is stepping up work for another company, Third Degree Films.
You might remember Axel Braun's similarly iconic X a few years ago, as well as Apple's Operating System of the same name. Both are, to varying degrees, reliable sources of porn.
But back to the swag.
Perhaps you remember the tremendous amount of money spent on Sacred Sin, including a party at Eddie Van Halen's house (with a performance by same) and a swag box containing a watch and other goodies.
The Sacred Sin party was off the chart, frankly; it was an abomination. If Sacred Sin were a 15th century European explorer and the porn industry the remote island natives upon whose shores Sacred Sin washed up, the natives would first believe Sacred Sin was a god and then, in their low opinion of themselves, need to slaughter it.
Corruption also sponsored a party and its swag box included a butt plug and a nip bottle of Krol vodka, which was for about two weeks the official alcohol sponsor of the adult industry (I believe they realized their mistake).
The Britney Rears gift boxes were a hodgepodge of stuff people wanted to get out of their warehouses, as well as a nip bottle of Sutter Home (because, you know, wine is classy) for BR1 or Krol Vodka for BR3 (because, you know, Krol was free).
So in that the X-Rated swag, like the others, included a deluxe version of the movie, X-Rated also provided a limited edition signed copy, with a certificate of authenticity.
A co-worker in my office, who does not work in porn, said, "They should have signed it with splooge."
"You infant," I said. "We no longer say splooge."
If you can prove you represent a worthy charitable organization I will gladly donate this movie to your cause after I watch it; because a signed copy of a porn movie - good as it might be - doesn't have value for me. The gesture is valuable, however
Another in the X-Rated swag bag was a pair of sunglasses. This, I believe, satisfies the same role as the lollipop in the Britney Rears box or the butt plug in the Corruption package; I don't believe I will ever use them. This might be because I already wear glasses (there are far more compelling reasons to have not utilized the other products).
The final item provided by X-Rated blew everyone else away. Neither a nip nor a fifth, but instead a huge bottle of something resembling the "urban" liquer Hypnotiq was included in the gift box, which smelled like an Easter basket.
You're damn right I accept gifts from advertisers; anyone who writes about this business who doesn't is really doing something wrong. That said, gifts do not influence my reviews or opinions. But I am not some kind of monster; when I review X-Rated in a few days, I believe I at least owe it to the producers, for their effort, hospitality, and kindness, to be drunk.
Previously: Dreaming of Snow and Heidi Ho; What to say if your load is soupy
See also: MetroLabels: alcohol, directors, dvd, metro
posted by Gram the Man
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--Saturday, March 03, 2007--
Jagermeister night at Porn Star Karaoke, or: Life Is Beautiful
 I can't tell you how happy the following piece of mail made me.
Press Release follows:
Jagermeister Night at PSK this Tuesday!
The Jager girls will be here from 10:30 pm – 12:30 am shaking their booty, parting and handing out free Jagermeister goodies!!
We will be having Jagermeister specials throughout the night for you Jager lovers, Jager bombs included!!!
I know a lot of you have asked for Jager specials when we offer our kamikaze specials, so this night is for you!!
We’ll offer our kamikaze specials as well.
So come and party, drink responsible and have a great time at Porn Star Karaoke this Tuesday.
This special Porn Star Karaoke event will take place Tuesday, March 6th at 9 PM at Sardo's Bar. Sardo's Bar is located at 259 North Pass Avenue, Burbank CA. http://www.sardosbar.com
PSK Reserved tables for the Industry are held until 10:30 pm. If you want to be a sponsor of PSK, all that's required is for you to
provide merchandise for giveaways during the evening for twenty (20) fans, so they can leave with a tangible reminder of your company and
their night at PSK. For more information or to book a date to be a sponsor, contact Seymour at mail@sardosbar.com
Porn Star Karaoke is founded by KSEXradio.com and DVSX.com, who remind you to party responsibly by always having a designate
driver. Previously: "Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a non-exclusive contract star"; Beyond the Valley of Porn Star Karaoke
See also: Sardo's Bar, JagermeisterLabels: alcohol, events, PSK
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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