I sure like that Aiden Starr. Why? I guess it's because she makes me feel tall.
Because she is 4'11", Starr is often cast as a teen, and that is ostensibly why she stars in the movie My Daughter Went Black And Never Came Back.
Unfortunately, Starr's scene (with the performer Julius) mentions nothing about her parents. To whom, then, does the "My" in the title refer? We never see a nervous dad or mom waiting by the telephone, or burning crosses on lawns.
But that doesn't matter. What matters is Starr's wholly improvised scene, which I've reprinted here with the permission of the Writers' Guild of America (West) and the Samuel French Company.
STARR is talking to JULIUS on the phone. Her lascivious intentions are clear.
STARR
I'll text you. I'll text you my address from my cell phone.
I believe this motivation because Starr has often texted me addresses from her cell phone.
When JULIUS arrives, STARR begins verbalizing her curiosity about the forbidden black man, blaming her friends for her uncertainty.
STARR
They kinda said it was a bad idea for me to date you. Because they don't like black guys, and maybe, like, because they feel that there were things about you that I might not know, and some things that are bad about you. That your cock was so big it might split me in half pretty much? I don't know. What do you think about it?
JULIUS is noncommital, but begins fucking STARR, probably just to be polite, because he's already there and everything.
STARR
Do you get dizzy when it gets hard because of all the blood that rushes to it?
JULIUS
Is that a myth that you heard about us?
STARR is electrified by this verbal parrying, and their exertions grow more frenzied. But JULIUS loses control.
STARR
Oh fuck! Did you come in my fucking pussy?
JULIUS
Yes.
STARR
What if I get pregnant? Then everyone's gonna know I fucked a black guy!
"The other day I paid $96 for a tank of premium unleaded for my 2005 Range Rover," said Belladonna.
Experts on porn and fuel warn that refilling the tank from Half results in less gas evaporation than refilling from Empty, and that the optimum time to refill is in the late evening or early morning, when the chill makes for denser gasoline.
It is not apparent at press time whether Belladonna used this map for her refueling.
With the Range Rover's average city MPG of 12 and the Los Angeles subway system so inadequate, is it any wonder why Belladonna doesn't visit you?
And remembering that the 2005 Range Rover's 26-gallon tank only takes 91-octane fuel, I bet you're feeling pretty sheepish that you gave her a hard time for not bringing two coolers of Narragansett to your last barbecue.
Shame on you.
As gas prices rise, Americans are seeking ways to do more with less, hence my squeezing 150 words out of a one-sentence quote.
As gas prices increase, people across the country are adjusting their lives accordingly by taking public transportation, riding bikes, or staying inside for longer periods, playing more videogames and watching more porn like the activists they are.
But two adult performers signing at this weekend's Erotica L.A. have found that, unlike their vaginas, the price of gas is inelastic.
"Gas is like food," said New Sensations contract performer Ashlynn Brooke. "You have to pay whatever it costs to get it."
Brooke therefore declared the inelasticity of gas. Despite an average price of $4.20 across Porn Valley for a gallon of 87 octane fuel, she said that she would buy it regardless.
In her native Choctaw, OK, it's different. "I was talking to my aunt and it's $3.79 there today," she said. "Plus, it's easier to walk around in Choctaw."
Cementing the inelasticity of gasoline is the sheer size of Los Angeles and the unreliability of public transportation.
Sasha Grey, who grew up in similarly spread out Sacramento, recently topped off her Volvo's tank for $76.
"Oh Jesus Christ," she said. "It's disgusting."
But despite the horror at the pump (Brooke filled up her SUV for $80), Grey says the geography of Los Angeles doesn't allow her any options.
"It's not like I'm going to carpool to a porn set," she said.
Unlike their vaginas and the demand for goods that can be easily substituted, which are highly elastic, the demand for gas will be inelastic until more porn can be shot at a central location, such as Gram Ponante Towers, Stationary Taqueria, Cyclotron, Heliport, and Refinery.
Brooke does have one solution to oil consumption. At Erotica L.A. she will probably go barefoot to skip around the L.A. Convention Center's low-pile carpeting, eschewing petroleum-based Lucite heels.
"I'm from Oklahoma," she said, a likely Green Party candidate. "So I don't care."
Whatever else you might think of GramPonante.com, apparently it is no longer down (though problems remain). Absent any actual news, I leave you with a representative photo of Bluegrass State vixen Audrey Hollander in the water closet.
When suggesting the photo to Hollander, I said, "Your red hair! The blue wall!" and Hollander said, "The white toilet!" That is why you should vote for the Eminent Domain of Audrey Hollander in tomorrow's California election.
Ryder Skye and Roxy DeVille menage to redeem Sex And the City movie
When she was a struggling mainstream actress, Ryder Skye said she would be very nervous before auditions.
"I'd completely psyche myself out," she said. "And for this one, I didn't even know why I was there."
Ryder Skye said the casting agent wanted Asian women when she was called to audition for Sex And the City, premiering in L.A. tomorrow. She also wasn't sure there'd be nudity.
"But then I saw all these porn girls there," she said, "so I knew something was up."
Skye and Roxy DeVille (who is credited as "Roxi Devill') are two-thirds of a menage a trois also involving Gilles Marini, who plays Dante, the lust object of Kim Cattrall's whorish Samantha, one of the four leads in the movie.
Extensive exit traffic research for this site reveals that at least five women and one gay man read Porn Valley Observed, thus this feature on a television series and movie very few straight men can explain the appeal of.
"The scene was shot in Malibu in January," Skye said, "on the first day of AVN. Samantha is looking through the window and she sees this guy she likes having a threesome."
"So a location in Los Angeles stood in for a location in New York?" I asked. "Impossible."
"No," Skye said. "In the story Samantha comes out here for some reason."
SPOILER ALERT.
Damn it. I should have put "SPOILER ALERT" before that riveting factoid. Now I'll never get a job at Entertainment Weekly.
"Did you meet Kim Cattrall?"
"No," Skye said. "It was one of the last scenes shot for the movie. Everybody else had pretty much gone home. She looks through her window and there we are, but we were never in the same room. They'd cut that in later."
Wow. I said. Hollywood is a dream factory.
Skye is a wholesome-looking porn star, as opposed to the many talented and friendly women in the adult industry who could never be mistaken for anything but a porn star.
"But the chatboards go on and on about how women in porn only play hookers and strippers on film," she said.
Yes. Typecasting is wrong. It was always my desire to star in an all-Thai version of "The Odd Couple," but I am neither Thai nor an actor. The world keeps grinding people down.
"I don't know if the crew knew what to make of [herself and DeVille]," Skye said. "They asked if we wanted the set cleared for our nude scene, and we just took off our robes and got down to it. It took about an hour."
"Did your costar react in any physical way to you and Roxy flouncing around the set?"
"If he did," Skye said, "I didn't notice. I think he was a little nervous. But he was really grateful to us afterward. He thanked us for being so cool."
Skye saw Marini at the gym last week.
"He walked by and I couldn't place him. I thought, 'Have I fucked him?' Then I remembered. He was on his way to the New York premiere that day."
Skye had to buy her ticket, but she will be seeing herself on the big screen tomorrow at the Arclight in Hollywood.
Skye, who will be credited in the movie as Aricka Evans, struggled to get her Screen Actors Guild card as a mainstream model and actress before this opportunity came up.
"I try for years to get my SAG card and then I get it through being in porn," she said.
Adrianna Nicole wishes, in retrospect, that she'd chosen a different porn name, but at least she can try on a new one when she's wrestling.
"If I'd only thought of 'Adrianaconda' sooner," she said.
Visitors to San Francisco (with the exception of school groups and religious zealots) should make a point of stopping by Kink.com's massive Armory building, built in the early 20th century during a time of nationwide worker unrest and featuring - I'm not kidding - a stream running through its basement for the benefit of a National Guard under siege (hint to disgruntled workers of the future: all you need to do is poop in the water; that's what my coworkers did at AVN).
Among the Armory's many charms is an indoor parade ground, dozens of creepy rooms used for water bondage and various flavors of submission with and without straps, and a wrestling ring.
It is there that Nicole, redubbed Adrianaconda, will participate with 15 other wrestlers in the sweaty and pant-astic Ultimate Surrender, fighting against and alongside such bendy and brutal grapplers as Madison "The Butcher" Young, Amber "The Rogue" Rayne, and Ariel X: "The Assassin."
"If you win, you fuck the loser with a strap-on," said Nicole, who has made it to this semi-final round in "The Summer of Vengeance." "My incentive to win early on was I had been in a couple of scenes before my match and I just didn't want to get fucked again."
The wrestling starts off in bikinis and things devolve from there. I asked Nicole if she ever felt fear.
"Well, I'm a little bigger than most," she said. She mentioned Madison Young who, though wily, seemed easy pickings. "I could kick her ass. But her partner is very muscly."
Next week Ultimate Surrender will film matches before a live audience of Kink.com subscribers on specially-erected bleachers, but the matches will be available on line up to and including the final showdown in August.
Whatever Nicole is doing with her left arm here doesn't seem like it would be in accordance with FILA standards, but whatever.
Other wrestlers in this season of Ultimate Surrender have included Annie Cruz, Delilah Strong, Bobbi Starr, and Harmony Rose, none of whom seems stoppable by mortal hands.
See a gallery of Ultimate Surrender's Season 5 here.
I am glad Nicole was not "Adrianaconda" from the start; the name seems to negate her sweet and gentle nature.
Sabrina Deep to (be a bukkake) surface in 12 cities
"Sex should be free," said Sabrina Deep, who last year hosted, both in her home and in her vagina, a 77-man gangbang.
This summer Deep will take her philosophy around the world, stopping in 12 cities to be the focal point of bukkakes from London to Berlin to Rome to Vancouver, culminating in a 110-man Tokyo bukkake on September 11, her 30th birthday.
Japan was the country that invented the bukkake, so September 11 will be a Canterbury pilgrimage of sorts with Deep as the Wife of Cum Bath.
"I take it like I'm going on little holidays," Deep said. "Sexually there is probably more roughness in cities like Berlin and London, more "Can-I-date-you-after-we've-finished-with-this" in Italy, more I'm-glad-I-have-unloaded-my-balls" in cities like Toronto and Vancouver. I'm not sure about the United States and Japan. I'll let you know."
"I already know what it's like in the United States," I said. "I own this place. At my house it's like Bukkakalypse Now."
Deep says that the events have all been set up by fans who live in those cities, but Tokyo's bukkake session will be more regimented, adhering to that country's sacred bukkake traditions.
"I'll have to stick to the rigid rules of classic Japanese bukkake," she said. "No fucking, collected come, final drinking. I believe that a Japanese lady will be the official collector during the process."
Bukkakador attendance is often limited, and several cities are already booked. Participation is free to healthy men who can prove they are over 18.
Deep's World Bukkake Tour begins Monday in Toronto. The first currently available day is June 12 in Rome. The two US dates, in New York and Columbus, OH, are in August, in case you're interested. I'd say, "What are you waiting for? Sign up now!" but that would be pandering.
Two of my favorite people talk with each other in a recent article on Mr. Skin.com.
Alix Lakehurst interviewed April Flores for the Chicago-based mainstream movie nudity website and the Kiss Attack performer talked about working with Belladonna, idolizing Rita Hayworth, and being her own favorite porn star.
Since it's only April and the heat is already at record-breaking levels here in Porn Valley, what better way to celebrate the slow roasting of the oceans than to talk with Alaska's own Ava Rose, contract star for Adam & Eve and, if there could be a contract star of the pants, well, there too.
Rose and her sister, Mia, grew up in Sutton, AK, a town of (then) 400 people just up Rt. 1 from Anchorage.
"You spend most of the time preparing for the winter there," she said. "It's a good place to grow up, I realize now, but that's why so many adults commit suicide; they work their asses off to get snowed in."
Ava and Mia left Sutton for Reno in 1996. When Ava began dancing in Reno at the Wild Orchid, she didn't like it.
"I'd make a little money onstage but I couldn't stand to bullshit the guys with the lap dances and steal their money," she said. "It's much easier to spread your legs in porn.
"Porn's pretty easy," she said, "if you're clever about things and you know when to say no."
Rose worked for Naughty America, Metro, and Lethal Hardcore before she signed her Adam & Eve contract. Sometimes she would be cast with her sister, but Mia took more gonzo roles and Ava became Adam & Eve's lone brunette. She has appeared in that company's Carolina Jones, Dark City, and just wrapped Roller Dollz.
I asked what she thinks about the term "mainstream" as it applies to porn.
"Every time a porn star is in a movie she plays a stripper or a prostitute," she said. "I like staying where I am. People seem to always want a way into porn or a way out of it. When porn tries to look mainstream, it just ends up looking like Ultimate Porno."
Having a contract allows Rose a lot of time to read. She lives in Hollywood north of Sunset, and her bookcase is filled with true crime novels.
I asked if she read them for pointers.
"If someone offered me a million dollars to brutally murder someone else," she said. "I couldn't do it. But I like reading about it."
What is dating like?
"I don't date exclusively," she said. "It might not be the time in my life for it. It's also a little dangerous emotionally. I mean, open relationships are hard but finding out a lie is harder. Hardly ever do people not cheat."
What do you mean?
"I can't stand jealousy and obsession."
Do people get obsessed with you?
"Sometimes. That kind of insecurity is unattractive. But I'm still young and working things out. One thing's for sure: when you plan for a threesome it never fucking goes right."
Rose is 22. She gets a monthly check from Adam & Eve, a company that probably pays the highest of the major adult studios. Without makeup and wearing sweats, Rose is indistinguishable from any other young actress in her neighborhood, aside from the fact that she's working.
I asked if it was necessary to have an exit strategy from porn.
"I'd like to stay in L.A. and study Criminal Psychology," she said.
And what about relationships after Porn?
"I smoke a lot of cigarettes so I don't know how I'll age," she said. "But I think someone will like me and my loose asshole when I'm done."
Report: Roxy Deville alive, happy, not dead, bloody
Many people were concerned about this image of Roxy Deville I ran last week. This was merely a still from Rob Rotten's Texas Vibrator Massacre, in which Deville does not get the happy ending one normally sees in David Aaron Clark movies.
Deville is great in this movie. Of her casting, Rotten said, "I needed someone who wasn't blonde, could act, and was a bitch. Roxy was the first name that came up."
Ava Rose hears you call her name, decides it feels like home
Ava Rose's spread (that was just the best word available; I didn't mean to sound filthy) in April's Penthouse is reminiscent of the look of a certain New York-bashing children's author circa 1989, when Rose was three.
The delightful Adam & Eve contract star frolicked through a virtual French country house to achieve the combination of rusticity and glamor that is her trademark. Rustic, for porn, because her boobs are real.
Here is the original version of an article I wrote about Jenny for XBiz back when she was about to get new boobs and sign a contract with a local company intent on signing contract girls.
She decided against the boobs and the contract.
When the article was published, Hendrix said that "(You) made my life sound like a fairy tale."
I suppose, but there's no demons or Camaros in it.
She has since left her agency and began representing herself.
"When I make $4,000 for an anal scene," she said, "it's nice to keep it."
Jenny Hendrix Knows She's Hot...
...like most people know they’re alive; if they’re breathing, she’s hot. This confidence makes an interview with her different from those of many porn performers. Sometimes they’re not as confident; they overcompensate for low self esteem by boasting or, on the other hand, might be unwilling to talk about something they’re ashamed of.
But Hendrix, 22, knows she’s good at what she does and doesn’t spend a lot of time questioning it. She has been an adult performer long enough to pinpoint her assets and to know exactly what mileage she can get from them. She talks about her breasts and ass like they are luxury features on a high-end vehicle.
“You need the ass out further?” she asks director Van Styles at a recent Videoteam shoot. “I can really make it pop.”
The movie is Azzfest 6, so Hendrix and Styles are laser-focused on her backside.
“Just a little further,” Styles says, and Hendrix contorts so that her butt resembles a plateau in the middle of a near-vertical incline.
“Perfect,” Styles says.
“Yeah,” Hendrix says, too gracious to say “No kidding,” even though she would’ve got away with it.
Hendrix is from Florida, where she got her start stripping.
“There are a lot of strippers in Florida,” Hendrix said, describing a state whose adult performers form a kind of farm team for Porn Valley, but which also plays host to a number of big-time Internet companies and publishers like Score, Bang Bros., Reality Kings, and Penthouse. “But not all of them want to be in porn.”
While many porn performers will capitalize on their movie stardom by seeking bookings as a “feature” dancer, Hendrix began as a “house” dancer in Florida clubs, where stripping is taken seriously and dancers are fit, competitive, and mercenary.
Hendrix is matter-of-fact: “Why be in the business if you’re not making money?”
One of Hendrix’ first jobs in porn was with website PinkTV, where she worked for a year as the company’s de facto contract girl alongside Lezley Zen. Though based in the Sunshine State, PinkTV created inroads in the California porn world by hosting parties in Hollywood. Hendrix traveled to California to attend one in 2005 and liked what she saw.
“I could see why so many people from Florida were coming,” she said. “Same palm trees but the people are more focused.”
Hendrix stays close with friends and family in Florida, and visits frequently. One of her three phones has a 904 area code.
Three phones?
“Yeah, I’m a pretty connected person,” she said. She holds up a pink Razr (her Florida phone), a pink-sheathed iPhone, and another phone she uses for texting and scheduling. Since signing with a Valley-based porn talent agent this year, Hendrix says, she has rarely had a day off since the beginning of July.
“Do you sleep?” I asked.
“Oh, I make sure of that,” she said.
Hendrix looks at her busy schedule pragmatically. “If I get tired,” she said, “I’ll stop. But now I’m busy saving money.”
Hendrix is serious about her career, and doesn’t count as extracurricular adult industry parties and networking events. “For longevity in this business,” she said, “It’s important to keep your name out there. It’s not that I don’t have fun, but they are part of the job, too.”
For this reason Hendrix doesn’t have time for porn girls who aren’t giving it their best shot.
“If I’m on a set, girls (who are) always looking at their watches really piss me off.”
Indeed, Hendrix shuts off her phones during tasks on a porn shoot, but she is always on them in between, whether working her MySpace, where the current music is a fan’s song about her (sample lyric: “Mami got the body that you can hit 24/7/Make you feel like a saint like a reverend”), or playing music on her iPhone’s speaker to accompany still photography.
On the day of the Azz Fest shoot, her makeup time was 9:30. She arrived at director Styles’ house at 10 a.m. and sat in his kitchen while makeup artist Lillian layered on several coats of foundation.
(“I’ve got to get the foundation right before I start with the contours,” Lillian said over Hendrix’ head. “I don’t watch a lot of porn, but I can always tell you when someone’s done her own makeup or if she only has a couple of layers on.”)
Hendrix and Lillian chatted amiably while Lillian worked. Hendrix answered phone calls when she could, and soon Hendrix was transformed from a woman who looked like a Hollywood bartender to someone who was unmistakeably a porn star. The transition was not dramatic.
“How much were these extensions?” Lillian asked, holding up six hanks of hair Hendrix had brought.
“$120. They’re Raquel Welch extensions,” Hendrix said. “The Jessica Simpsons are more, I think.”
Lillian applied the extensions and her job was done. When Lillian left, Hendrix took the extensions out.
“Why didn’t you tell her you didn’t like them in there?” Styles asked. “She’s a professional; I pay her for this.”
“I didn’t want to hurt her feelings,” Hendrix said.
To this untrained eye, Hendrix with extensions looked no different from Hendrix without extensions. When Mr. Pete comes in Hendrix’ hair in Azz Fest 6, he’s coming in her real hair.
Many directors who are only shooting one scene will attempt to minimize the time they spend in an expensive location by taking care of makeup and paperwork somewhere else. Styles had the procedure down to a science, so as soon as Hendrix’ paperwork and makeup were completed, he packed her and his production assistant, Norbert, into his truck for the five-mile drive to an Encino house used for many porn shoots.
Once at the house (which smelled of baking bread as if the owner was preparing to sell it), Hendrix donned a pink plastic bra and panties ensemble and strapped on some black five-inch heels for a series of “pretty girl” shots. Her heels clacked and echoed on the wooden floors of the near-empty house.
Male talent Mr. Pete arrived, took one look at Hendrix, and declared today his lucky day.
“Why don’t we date?” he asked Hendrix.
“Don’t you already have a girlfriend?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t fuck anybody off camera,” she said.
“That’s why we don’t hang out!” he said.
“I like to keep my personal life personal,” she said later. She’d just ended a three-year relationship with a male performer.
“He was in his thirties,” she said, “and I’m in my twenties. Our lives are different.”
Interactions between male and female talent on porn sets can be delicate, awkward, tense, or amicable. Mr. Pete and Hendrix knew and liked each other, and because the job they were being paid for was one in which they had to, in Styles’ words, “make sweet love”, both performers prepared their own way.
“I’m looking forward to getting in there,” Mr. Pete declared.
“Oh yeah?” Hendrix replied. Then they tried to remember if they’d ever done an anal scene together before.
Hendrix and Mr. Pete performed a standard anal scene. He seemed delighted to be working with her. But she did most of the talking.
“Be very vocal, Jenny,” Styles said.
“You like fucking that ass?” she asked rhetorically. “Fuck my ass! Oh my God! Fuck! Fuck my ass! Fuck me! Fuck! I’m gonna come!”
Intimate sets like this one or large affairs like Barely Legal 75 are similar for Hendrix. “I show up with all my stuff, I bring some entertainment, I do my job and I try to have a good time,” she said.
She has also been known to mix drinks for the cast and crew. At a shoot this summer she put together several gallons of what she called Liquid Panty Remover. Since she served the cocktails naked, it couldn’t be determined if the concoction worked.
After her scene with Mr. Pete, Hendrix went home to pack for a trip to New York, where she’d be getting her breasts augmented. She had just returned from Pittsburgh, where she had attended a signing and a Christmas party for Adult DVD Empire.
I asked her if her fans included people from back home.
“I grew up with some very sheltered people,” she said. “So I’m not surprised that they’re surprised I’m in porn.”
Hendrix said that her porn career so shocked the residents of her gated community in Florida that she felt the need to leave. “It’s a lot more accepted out here,” she said, but noted that her friends from Florida were coming around to the concept of Jenny Hendrix: Porn Star.
“It helps when they see me on MySpace with famous people.”
“I like to be friendly with people and get along,” she said. “I’m not into the pornstar feuds. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who has a beef with me.”
But Hendrix wants to do more than get along. She wants to be appreciated for her work, she wants to direct, she wants her own video line, and she wants to put together an affiliation of “hot girls” like ClubJenna.
“Jenna Haze is hot like me,” she wondered aloud. “I wonder if she’d do it?”
I asked where she stood on getting awards.
“I’m up for Best Tease Performance at AVN this year,” she said, “and a couple of others. I don’t think I’ll win some of the others because I’m not a contract girl. But if I look at something I do that I’m proud of, and see that it’s better than what somebody else did who won an award for it, it bugs me.”
She has seen women her own age or younger blow their money and squander the early success that is the hallmark of newcomers to the business.
“Me, I save my money,” she said. “And I own my name.”
By the time this issue is released, Hendrix will have signed a contract with one of three studios and will have had her breasts redone, most likely as part of the contract.
I asked what she wanted from a contract.
“What I don’t want is to give up things I already own,” she said. “Like my name.”
But wouldn’t she be working less and not making as much money? Would she be giving up the brand she created as a non-aligned performer?
“It’s a career move,” she said, “and I wouldn’t be giving up control. I’ll make any contract good for me.” She mentioned the names of friends for whose contracts weren’t working for them.
More than anything, Hendrix wants her porn benefits to outlast her performing. That means she needs to work now.
“Why would I want to put myself out there for eight years, and then be 50 with people still buying my movies, and I’m not making a thing?” she said.
“I’m young and I’m hot,” she said, “but I won’t be forever.”
So many porn performers are interchangeable (as are the people who write about them), but this one, I think, is different. Every time I see her she says something interesting that is not in the script.
As I downloaded these photos from a set I visited the other day, I almost threw this picture away, but the power of Christ compelled me to keep it. Then, when I checked my notes, found this ad lib from about 11 p.m., as the short dialogue scene had stretched to six hours:
"My ovaries are full of eggs just waiting for Daddy's baby."
Kayden Kross works on her fingering and footwork on the set of Rollerdollz.
I'm not sure why people give the finger to the camera, but I don't think Sacramento's Kayden Kross means it. I just don't think she was brought up that way. She was doing what she thought I wanted.
"I don't want that at all, Kayden Kross," I wanted to tell her. "I want you to just be."
But I didn't tell her this, and because of my complacency she's probably out giving the finger to Shriners.
Here is Ava Rose on the set of Rollerdollz. I want to create a series of pictures of America's porn stars in front of price lists, like menus, gas station marquees, and Sotheby's auction items to make a statement about relative worth in 2008. I will submit this as both a doctoral dissertation and as applications for an NEA grant and a MacArthur fellowship.
I think that this is the kind of art that really needs to be made, that makes people feel guilty for not liking it for the reasons I demand but instead because it features Ava Rose's boobs. Then I will say, "This is not porn, it's art; you're not supposed to be sexually aroused by it. You're a bad person because you find boobs compelling. You should really be looking at how much the hot dogs cost at Glendale's Moonlite Rollerway. I'm not actually a pornographer. I'm using these boobs ironically. You don't get my work. Stop looking at it!"
Next, I will create a short documentary of cropping and uploading this photo while sitting at a Starbucks in Tempe, AZ.
Today is Adrianna Nicole's birthday, as you probably guessed from the subject heading. Her birthday is exactly eight months before mine, as you probably guessed from her level of maturity.
She is spending the day at Disneyland. I don't know if she got the park-jumper pass, so information is unavailable as to whether you can goose her on the Tower of Terror.
Alix Lakehurst is Greek, and lives in Chicago. We talked by computer, the way they do in Space.
One thing about Alix Lakehurst (who interviewed me for Mr. Skin), is that, like Mike Wallace, she conducts her interviews topless. I, on the other hand, wore a full iron diving bell.
I asked what she was doing for Easter, because topless girls in bonnets is a multi-million dollar niche for my Caymans-based affiliate program.
"Greeks don't celebrate Easter until the first Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox," she said. "So it won't be until late April."
"Oh," I said, thinking: What will I do with all this spanikopita?
Young Hollywood and the birth of the United States
HBO's "John Adams" miniseries is pretty compelling, though it inaccurately places the man who would become our second President at the scene of the Boston Massacre. Tom Wilkinson is brilliant as Ben Franklin, David Morse engaging as George Washington, the guy from "Oz" excellent as the guy from Pennsylvania, Laura Linney wonderful as Abigail Adams, and Paul Giamatti way better than he was in that god-awful pool movie with Opie's daughter.
As I sat at home considering these things a thought came to me:
"I have to go take another picture of Adrianna Nicole in a parking lot."
My collection of pictures of Adrianna Nicole in parking lots is among the major achievements of my career as America's Beloved Porn Journalist. Tonight, while I watched John Adams wrestle with Philadelphia's horrible plague of dysentery in the summer of 1776, I knew that one of the freedoms guaranteed by Adams and the founders was manifested in Carlos Batts' Young Hollywood, in which Nicole has sex by venetian blinds.
"Yeah, man," Batts said. "Adrianna's a trip."
The party was at Safari Sam's on Sunset Blvd. Guests listened to live music from bands featured in Young Hollywood and Batts' next movie, Kiss Attack, including a set from Batts' friends from Baltimore, Dirt & Bank.
"Yeah, man, "Batts said. "Dirt & Bank are a trip."
Mandy Morbid proved that her default setting is winsome as she posed with Pride of Oregon Kimberly Kane. Kane, who is Young Hollywood's boxcover model, has yet to see the movie.
"You should," I said. "You're really naked in it."
"I see all my movies," Morbid said. "I've only been in one."
Because of "John Adams", I'd missed the bands. Apparently Glenn Danzig was there, as his yard had been used for Mandy Morbid's car-top tryst with Lystra, or trystra. But I didn't see him.
"He was standing about one millimeter away from you," Batts told me. (Danzig is kind of short; Mika Tan told me this.)
A drunk and vaguely surly Benny Profane was on stage. He played Martin van Buren in the Adams movie.
"People having sex is funny," Chibbles said (he lives in San Diego). "Clowns having sex is funnier."
Actually, clowns having sex is horrifying. But not more than the atrocities committed by the British in its colonies, or what the Sons of Liberty regularly did to the Crown's tax collectors.
Also on hand were performer Van Damage and his wife, let's call her Cynthia Damage. I approve of this marriage.
"My girlfriend brought me to a swinger's party and I just found myself blowing him," she said, echoing Martha Washington.
Off in a corner representing Los Angeles were April Flores and her friend, La Cholita. Flores did much of the behind the scenes work in Young Hollywood and stars in Kiss Attack, where she leads a fleshy vampire army. How La Cholita figures into this I'm still unsure, but I'm glad she does.
"Looking good is being deadly," La Cholita said.
As I was about to leave, a parking lot materialized around Adrianna Nicole for her photo opportunity. It made me think of the tax collector in "John Adams"; she looked like she should be tarred and feathered, except not with tar and feathers, if you know what I mean.
I sure like that Aiden Starr. Why? I guess it's because she makes me feel tall.
STARR
STARR
STARR
