Gram Ponante: Porn Valley Observed

Does Aryan have the reich stuff?

2008-05-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

New to the adult industry is 26-year-old Aryan Astyn, the blonde-haired, brown-eyed - wait a minute - brown-eyed? How can she be Aryan if - and hold on: she has dark roots!

Oh, Aryan, at first you had me fooled. Ich muss meinen inneren Schweinehund treten.

Adult talent agency L.A. Direct Models lists the following tasks Astyn will perform on camera:

Solo
BlowJob
Girl / Girl
Boy / Girl
Swallow
Group

The only thing that justifies the name Aryan is that she doesn't do interracial. But she does do solo work, so at least she is a member of the masturbator race.

Previously: Life in a porn dorm isn't all pillow fights and orgies
See also: L.A. Direct Models

Adrianna Nicole is her own massage table

2008-05-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Is she a Barbapapa?

Previously: The Whore Within Me, Without You
See also: Hustler

Workingman's Gunn

2008-05-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today is Tommy Gunn's birthday. You might say, "Grams, I only visit your site for the trannies, MILFs, and Satan - why confuse things by writing about dudes?"

Well, Gunn is one of only a few dozen steadily-working guys in porn, and as such has probably serviced 40 to 50 of your favorite female stars since 2004, and at least 200 more women you're not attracted to. That he has carried on his career by being a genuinely nice and accessible guy is an admirable accomplishment.

Also, Gunn is able to articulate the work ethic involved in being a successful male performer.

"You should be hard before she's in the room," he said. "It's a job."

In the 600-plus scenes he has performed since getting into porn at age 36, Gunn has certain things figured out.

"I can tell you how the pop is going to go from the beginning," he said. "I know if I'm tired, or if the chemistry is a certain way, or the way she smells, how far the load will fly."

That is exactly like my job. I know that I will end this story with "I want people to look at porn performers and not think they're somebody who had nowhere else to go" and it will be just as satisfying as shooting a ropy volley across the machine-crafted nubs of Jesse Jane.

Writing about porn is difficult sometimes. For me, I had no interest in being a porn performer after the first scene I watched being filmed. Not that it didn't look like fun, but the work involved was considerable: standing in awkward positions under hot lights, the lack of spontaneity, delaying what wanted to come naturally (and then worrrying about aim); the fact that it was such a job became apparent the first day.

But even if I knew I didn't want it to be me on camera, my suspicion is that porn dudes in general think that the writers really want to be them.

"The media are jealous," says Jack Lawrence in his (otherwise) excellent training video Breaking Into Porn. Not true. At least not for me.

Blowjobs are like handshakes in this business, and I'll take mine without the C-light, thank you.

Which is why Gunn, who approaches the business with an older man's perspective, is such a good interview; he talks about his job like it's a job.

On Respect

"When I work with another guy's girlfriend," he said, "I want to deliver her back to her boyfriend unharmed."

On Role Models and Cutlery

"I admire Peter North, Randy West, Buck Adams, Lee Stone, and Ron Jeremy," he said. "Without those guys chopping their way through the forest, I wouldn't have this path. Now I want the machete."

On Competition

"I think Evan Stone and I are going to trade that AVN Best Male Performer award back and forth for the next few years." (Evan Stone says this too.)

On Scene Partners

"The girls have to have sex with someone, but what does it hurt you to be nice to them?"

On Career Choices

"If I'm lucky the director will ask me if I want to have sex on the couch or on the bed."

Gunn was born in New Jersey 41 years ago today, worked in Philadelphia in construction and interior design, and moved to Florida where he became a dancer.

Gunn was married to World Poker Tour hostess Shana Hiatt (with whom he appeared in a Playboy Girls of Hawaiian Tropics video prior to his porn career) and, later, to porn star Rita Faltoyano. Currently living with New Sensations contract performer Ashlynn Brooke, Gunn has turned the Woodland Hills home they share into a workshop for his other projects.

"When I was a Chippendale's dancer," he said, "I got very good at sewing. I made costumes. I replaced the velcro when the other guys needed to patch their outfits."

While working at a Miami bikini shop in 1997, he made swimwear for Janine Lindemulder and Julia Ann that they still remembered when he entered the porn business.

Gunn has a room in which weight equipment shares space with two sewing stations.

He has also built most of a deck that features a tiki bar and a trucked-in sand beach.

But the most impressive achievement for DIY enthusiasts is his shopping cart/battering ram for around-the-garage projects onto which he has built a platform for a circular saw.

"I like to keep busy," he said.

It was in 2004 that Gunn, visiting L.A. with then-girlfriend, met Wicked director Brad Armstrong at the Saddle Ranch.

"How do I get into this business?" Gunn asked Armstrong, who just cocked his thumb at.

"She's your ticket," Armstrong said.

"But it didn't work out," Gunn said. "I was back on the plane to Florida. But Brad and I stayed in touch."

Gunn's first scene was with Cherokee in Wicked's Fluff And Fold and he has been working ever since.

I asked him what he wanted to do next.

"I want to win an Oscar," he said. "I'm serious."

Gunn has a protective attitude about the porn business that its employees tend to generate after a year or so on the job, when they realize the rest of the world looks at them differently but not always kindly.

"I want people to look at porn performers and not think they're somebody who had nowhere else to go."

Previously: Backstage at the XBiz Awards:A Night of Heroes; Tommy Gunn casts the first bone; Ashlynn Goes to College 2; Barbara Summer, Rita Faltoyano, and Trina Michaels look frank, surprised, and wary, respectively; Untitled Briana Banks project; O: The Power of Submission
See also: Tommy Gunn

Satan wears tube socks, is also not a mom

2008-05-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Wow.

You know my towering rage when women advertised as MILFs aren't actually moms, so you can imagine the sadness and hurt I felt when Satan made no appearance in Sex Slaves of Satan (say what you will about John Holmes).

Read the review here.

Previously: Meet Today's Peaches (fleshbot); Lemon cream facials; No easy way out for Body Magic
See also: VCX

Alternate dialogue for a MILF movie

2008-05-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

I much prefer the term "Cougars" for women of a certain age (say, over 40) who appear in porn movies, because "MILFs" is so often misused if one takes the "M" literally as "Mother."

But I'm realistic. I know that a Cougar in real life might be 40 or over, but adult industry shelf life dictates that a porn Cougar could be as young as 25. So I don't mind a Cougar movie filled with women who just that year became eligible to rent cars.

But no one should be advertised as a MILF (or "Momma," as in the case of this movie) unless she has actually given birth AND there is something in the movie that indicates this. Here is some award-winning dialogue I have crafted between one of Porn Valley's resident Czech Republican male performers and his authenticated MILF scene partner.

BLUTO
I want to make sex on you. Sex on your holes.

MILF

Yeah? You want to do that?

BLUTO

Yes. In doing that I want. The sexing on you.

MILF

You want to put it in me?

BLUTO

Yeah

MILF

You do?

BLUTO

I just said "Yeah." Do you think I find it arousing to have to repeat myself? I don't know much English, but don't make me say the same goddamn thing twice.

MILF

I want you to put it in my birth canal, then

BLUTO

The part your son or daughter descended from, qualifying you as a MILF?

MILF

Yes, that very part, stud

See how easy it is? Just that small amount of subtle context would prevent angry consumers from suing porn companies for breach of contract, because you know how quality-minded the adult market is.

For example, here's Francesca Le in Red Light District's Momma Knows Best. Not only does she not refer to her kids in the movie, but she also bites her finger as if she's a schoolgirl.

So what is she? The mixed messages are flying fast and furious here. What must the test audiences have said?

Previously: Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
See also: Red Light District

Striking while the iron is hot: Meet Rylie Cyris

2008-05-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

While Gary Glitter did not forward this picture to me, and while I support creative expression as fundamental to maintaining our First Amendment Freedoms and for getting chicks (since cologne won't adhere to my skin, I need to resort to Creative Expression), I am a little weirded out by the fact that a Michigan model has chosen to parody an underage celebrity's name with her nom de porn choice.

Rylie Cyris does not look any more or less like Hannah Montana than did Jessica Sweet or Hillary Scott look like Britney Rears, which just goes to show that there are other things at work in porn marketing than accuracy, but I do think that Ms. Cyris, 20, is the first person to choose a porn name based on the name of a minor.

Previously: XBiz panels tackle piracy, butt piracy; It was you all along, Britney
See also: Alternative Modeling

April Flores, Alix Lakehurst, and Mr. Skin

2008-05-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

Two of my favorite people talk with each other in a recent article on Mr. Skin.com.

Alix Lakehurst interviewed April Flores for the Chicago-based mainstream movie nudity website and the Kiss Attack performer talked about working with Belladonna, idolizing Rita Hayworth, and being her own favorite porn star.

Read the article here.

Previously: April Flores: Diva; Young Hollywood and the birth of the United States; No Easter for Alix Lakehurst
See also: April Flores: The Skinterview; April Flores, Alix Lakehurst

It's not Mother's Day for Belladonna's dog

2008-05-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a very nice Mother's Day piece about Belladonna in The Naughty American, but I was horrified by how she turned a deaf ear to her little dog, Oz, today during her scene with Mr. Pete.

Regarding this Mother's Day article, I wanted Belladonna from the beginning but I also wanted to include other porn stars who I knew were moms. I asked eight other women, some of whom refused because they didn't want their fans to know they'd given birth or because they didn't want their offspring to be mentioned on an adult site (though I wouldn't print their names or use their pictures). Others said yes but then didn't respond to interview questions.

So I'm grateful to Belladonna for being so forthcoming. It makes me think of this poem:

Late October showers
Bring delicate skeleton flowers
A ghostly sight
On Halloween night
They softly glow for hours

- Calef Brown

Previously: Ashley Blue channels Belladonna
See also: Belladonna

Swiss offer no resistance

2008-05-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

Must be the cheese.

(Thanks to Mchael Brandvold of porn emporium Gamelink for forwarding the picture. See a larger version here.)

Previously: It's what's for dinner; Slam It in a Slut - from It's perspective

What Porn Is

2008-05-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

I really can't think of a better picture to exemplify today's adult industry than this shot of a classy Florida dude in the back of a van showing us the assets of Meaghan Jones in a movie called Real Roadside Ho's.

The only thing that would have made it better would be a couple of Red Bull cans rolling around the truck bed and half a package of Costco Fleet Enemas.

The closest Costco to Ft. Lauderdale is in neighboring Davie.

For those of you who don't watch a lot of pornography, this picture is the equivalent to the limos high school students rent on their prom night, vomiting out of the moon roof the length of your town's main street, screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.

The important thing to remember is that Jones looks happy.

Previously: A Small gallery of trucks used as coitus surfaces in Hustler videos
See also: New Porn Order

Setimo de Maio: Tranny monopoly

2008-05-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

We've seen that Latinas must bear the shame of being called hookers when they are actually escorts, but today we look at an area where Latinas and Latinos have achieved primacy: the world of transsexual porn.

Why is it that Brazilians make up the bulk of the transsexual porn community? I asked International Olympic Committee Chairman Jacques Rogge.

"I don't know," he did not say. "How would I know such a thing?"

"All right," I said. "How come trannies always seem to have tan lines?"

"To make their breasts look bigger?" he didn't suggest.

Brazilian Carla Renata grunts sweet Portuguese nothings to the be-condomed gentleman in the first scene of Double-D Trannies, holding her flaccid penis like a Capri cigarette.

Watch enough tranny movies and you see a pattern: the trannies themselves rarely get off. You'd never know that the percentage of not getting off is much higher for women in straight porn movies, but with trannies that sort of thing is hard to fake. Or soft to fake.

Izabelly Ferraz seems to encounter self-doubt at one point in Scene 2. Where her straight counterpart might say, "Aiii!!" this picture captures her saying, "Aiii?"

In five scenes, only Bianca Andrade and Esmerelda Dias are able to complete the mission. But are they truly happy?

In this movie there is only 40 percent mutual money shots. Can we do better? Si se puede! Or Si nos podemos!

Previously: Industry fearful of Brazil twink dominance; Extremis duae; God Bless the Trannies
See also: Juicy Entertainment

David Aaron Clark: Pool party auteur

2008-05-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Director David Aaron Clark has an excellent stills photographer in Glenn Baren, who snapped this shot on the set of (wait for it) No Man's Land Asian Edition 7: Mr. Hentai's Super-Funtime Pool Party, which would win next year's Longest Title award at AVN were it not for Digital Playground's Pirates II, for which that award has already been purchased.

"This is, of course, the Cahiers du Cinema shot of me directing. Jean Luc Broken-down-ol'-hentai, as it were," said Clark. From left to right are Annie Cruz, Destiny, Clark, and Jandi Lin.

I assume there will be no ghostly flashbacks in this movie like there were in the last one; ghosts don't congregate near pools.

Previously: No Man's Land: White Man's Burden; The Bad Lieu Tenant; Jandi Lin: "We can be nerds together"; Matt Zane's immortal soul, irons in the fire; Pegging the man-flower
See also: David Aaron Clark

Green Porno not Blue Velvet

2008-05-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

Isabella Rosselini has made an instructive pornographic film about the insect world for the Sundance Channel called Green Porno, in which the whimsically batty and charming Blue Velvet and Fearless actress, former Lancome spokesmodel, and daughter of Ingrid Bergman shows you how bees do it (and other bugs, like the Praying Mantis).

At no point does she say "Hit me, Jeffrey," (but she should).

Previously: Bedwetting Puppeteers
See also: Green Porno, Blue Velvet quotes

Sunny Lane bares her chess in North Hollywood

2008-05-07T01:17:00.000-07:00

Many people believe that porn is not hard work. "I've seen Behind the Scenes footage," you might say. "They just lie there and send text messages."

While that might be true, there is a lot of work that went into just lying there, including a lot of standing up. If you want to see someone standing up really well you should go see Sunny Lane at the Deja Vu Gentlemen's Establishment in North Hollywood this weekend.

Lane will be appearing at 8, 10, and midnight on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

The porn stars who came from stripping are among the hardest working people in the business; they are almost always on point and know how to hustle. They also have rock-hard calves. I have seen Lane crack mighty and endangered redwoods into kindling with her powerful thighs.

"Tree got in my way," she did not say - but she is that determined.

Previously: Pussy Party 21 caption contest; Sunny Lane on and off the ice
See also: Sunny Lane, Deja Vu

Natali Demore demonstrates the difference between dommes and subs

2008-05-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Natali Demore, right, who will be appearing this weekend at DomCon at the LAX Hilton, shows that dommes don't have to wear clothes at all if they don't choose to, and that they can humiliate their submissives simply by clothing them in useless garments.

You know what's another useless garment? A tie. I see someone wearing a tie, I think: "That guy wants some five-foot-tall domme to smack him with a riding crop." The last time I saw you in a tie, I thought that.

Q. Grams, what is Domcon?
A. Imagine your standard airport hotel with weary travelers arriving at all hours just trying to get some sleep before they are shuttled back to the airport the next morning. You see, their airline bumped them and gave them a night at the hotel and a $20 meal voucher. Now imagine these people co-mingling with an army of leather and PVC-clad submissives (wearing collars) and dommes (dragging collars) on the muted carpeting of the hotel lobby, as each group attempts to fit crumpled dollar bills into the Pepsi machine. That's Domcon.

Demore will be appearing at the Hottbonds booth doing unmentionable things.

Previously: Haley Paige video surfaces posthumously; It takes more than a sexy nurse's outfit and nipple clamps to make an effective universal healthcare program
See also: Natali Demore, Domcon Los Angeles

Seis de Mayo: Shame and redemption

2008-05-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

The first thing one thinks when confronted with Wicked's new Latina Hollywood Hookers is, "Well Duh. You think there's Latina hookers in Glendale? It would be a step up to have Latina hookers in Glendale."

On that subject: Irvine Robbins R.I.P., whose first ice cream store was in Glendale. Mourn ya 'til I join ya (pours Friendly's Fribble on grave).

After the triumph of Cinco de Mayo we are faced with harsh realities: some Latinas turn to prostitution. Luckily the "hookers" of the title are not streetwalkers but classy call girls with phone numbers, credit at a florist, and their own couches.

Demi Delia is the head of this escort agency but, striving to stay close to her roots, also sees select clients. One is Ben English.

In the first scene, English and Delia offer a valuable service to consumers, providing an example of the small talk and protocol characteristic of a session with an escort: he places the money on the table, she pretends to have missed him since the last time, and then they get down to it.

The only inaccuracy was that they kissed each other. That Wicked requires condoms made for more authenticity. If a hooker does not require a condom, you should run (unless you are only there to strangle her, in which case you should reconsider and go to Baskin Robbins).

The second scene is even more authentic in its awkwardness. Tommy Gunn forgets to pay Sienna West until she prompts him with something legally innocuous, just in case he is a cop:

"Do you want to take care of business?"

Sienna West utters not one "Ay, Papi" throughout the scene, but she does imply she is a Latina by asking, "So do you like to fuck Latinas?"

Daisy is a massage therapist in the next scene, and Randy Spears tells her that her "money is over there."

Nick Manning plays a serial whoremonger in his scene with Cassandra Cruz. She asks if he has seen women from the agency before.

"All of them," he says. "And none of them can keep up with me."

Finally, Alex Sanders and Dick Delaware sign on for Maya Gates. "You know it will cost you a little more?" asks Delia in the phone interview.

I found this scene the most verdad of all of them. The conversation was stilted and Cruz knew very little English. In fact, it was less like a porn scene and more like a hard-hitting HBO documentary, with poignant human drama everywhere you looked.

One bit of dialogue I would have liked to see was:

"You sure you're not a cop?"
"You sure you're not Armenian?"

Wicked has done a great public service in releasing this prostitute primer. Still, I can't help thinking that if these women had been white, they would have been called "escorts."

Previously: Hookers And Blow
See also: Wicked

Cinco de Mayo: "I'll let you see my bewbs"

2008-05-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

Growing up in my small Zacatecan village, I never thought I would be so assimilated that I would prefer Taco Bell chalupas to the bacon-wrapped hot dogs served from dubious carts on the narrow streets of my childhood.

That is why I turn to porn for authenticity and have been saving Hustler's Little Latina Cum Queens ("these hot & spicy senoritas love to get covered in cum!") for today, el Cinco de Mayo, since I can't return to mi tio's banana boat and hear the the soft dobro playing of mis abuelas in the shade of the guarana tree, the sounds of revoluccion echoing through the arroyos, the hijos living in fear of la chupacabra, and the vindication of our village when Zorro liberated us from los banditos.

OK, I'm not from Mexico.

But if I were, I would still wonder why cover girl Renae Cruz says not so much as an "Ay Papi" in this movie and Veronique Vega ("I'll let you see my bewbs") sounds more like a San Fernando Valley girl than an (insert name of valley in Mexico because I'm too lazy to go back to Wikipedia again here) girl. What's worse is that Laurie Vargas subjects herself to the fakest popshot I have ever seen.

Generalissimo Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin did not defeat the French at Puebla so we could have fake popshots.

Previously: Kayden Kross representing the luchadores; Renae Cruz hedges her bets
See also: Hustler

XRCO from the outside in

2008-05-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

I have been at the U.N. Conference on Porn, Sex Work, Erotica, and General Waywardness in Trieste this weekend so I did not have the time to write in depth about last week's XRCO awards. Here is the most comprehensive coverage you could ever read.

The Highlands Nightclub in Hollywood has become the de facto adult industry event location in Los Angeles, hosting several events over the past year. There is inexpensive parking, a bank machine two floors down, easy access to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum across the street, and an excellent view of where I interviewed Joey and Evanka Buttafuoco.

Also, former Digital Playground contract star Adrianna Lynn, now known (again) as Adrenalynn, gave me a visual aid in remembering how to spell her new old name. Adrenalynn is not at liberty to say why her time at Digital Playground was so short and I knew without asking that her reason for leaving involved a lack of access to me.

"It must have been difficult," I said.

"You said it so I won't have to," she said.

Her pose reminded me of this picture of Mika Tan.

The XRCO Awards were one of the first reactions to AVN's yearly adult awards, and are determined by a group of critics from around the world. I am one of the voters but I don't know how they are funded; I only know that they are a very homey awards show that people are nevertheless paying more attention to.

That is not to say people really pay attention at adult awards shows, but this year I checked in about midway through the ceremony and saw that three quarters of the people who were seated at the beginning of the show were seated in the middle. This is a higher percentage than graduation rates in the L.A. Unified School District. It is also better odds than the national divorce rate after five years of marriage, as adult award shows tend to take five years.

And I'm not saying that I know who won anything, save for Upload, because I saw some Upload people on the stage, Jenna Haze, because she won one of the first awards and I was turned in that direction, and Suze Randall and Shayla Laveaux, who won Hall of Fame awards and I was making my way to the balcony. I also knew that Not the Bradys XXX got Best Porn Comedy because at one point its publicist and director, Jeff Mullen said to me, "Best Porn Comedy two years in a row, huh? Huh?"

But at no time did I hear the XRCO's genial chairman, Jared Rutter, tell the crowd to shut up, as I've often heard his ousted predecessor, Bill Margold, shriek. The rabble seemed to respect him. So that's something. And when a man can walk into an adult awards show and still see people paying attention 45 minutes into it, well, I'll say the porn business is doing just fine, considering.

It was important for me to move around because I am like a shark. I need to move or I'll die. I am also like the wind. Also: a lone wolf. By those means I saw much and little. I saw Scott Fayner and thought, Didn't he die? He was sitting with married porn graphic artists Jodie Marie and Dave Goodman. I thought: Didn't I give them the meat hammer? You know, for their wedding? Like in Braveheart?

I got a grand idea to photograph every porn star I knew with my shot glass of Jagermeister but the project began and ended with Ava Rose.

Adrianna Nicole refused. I don't know on what grounds. She needs to loosen up more. She needs to know that I won't hurt her. She's so goddamn meek.

I'd been there for three hours when a security guard noticed I didn't have a wristband.

"I just walked in," I told him. We had a conversation in which he repeated everything I'd just said, but changing the pronouns and adding italics and a question mark.

"You just walked in?" he said.

"No one stopped me," I said.

"No one stopped you?" he said.

"I can go get one now," I said, "but I've been here for three hours."

"You've been here for three hours?," etc.

At the front door I told another security guard that I needed a wristband to go back in.

"You need a wristband to go back in?" he said. I'd say the guards were related, but then all security guards look the same to me.

Outside I talked with Ashlynn Brooke, who is from Choctaw, OK.

"I love Oklahoma," she said. "I'd go back and live there if I could. But Tommy loves L.A. too much."

Tommy Gunn and Brooke are dating. I think the world must be peopled.

"Do you cook?" I asked. I don't know why I asked this.

"Oh, yes!" she said. "Chicken fried steak, southern food, fried chicken ... "

"Okra!"

"Yes."

"Do you ever fry anything with another animal, like steak fried steak, or jaguar fried donkey?"

"I could, but I use chicken."

Veronique Vega came by and I asked them to pose like they were in Gia.

Then Sophie Dee happened along, barefoot. She posed in a pile of cigarette butts. She has the most beautiful eyes. I imagine her appearing to Mexican children and the community making a statue out of her.

Before I went back in (now that I was legal), I took a picture of Manuel Ferrara, Flower Tucci, Sunny Lane, and John Stagliano. I complimented Ferrara on his diplomatic handling of Robin Leach's photographer at the AVN Awards red carpet.

"I am a very gentle man," he said.

Earlier in the evening Ferrara had walked by my XBiz colleague Joanne "Cha Cha" Cachapero and she had called out "Manual! Manual!" as if he were some kind of transmission. But maybe that is the way all men seem to Joanne, so hard is her heart.

Back inside I had another idea. My drinks gone, I would take pictures of women leaving the men's room. The first was former performer/current AVN photographer Gia Jordan.

I am embarrassed to admit that I said something that made her respond thusly:

"All Gentiles think I'm Jewish."

"I'm sorry," I said. "So you're Italian?"

"Half."

"And what's the other half?"

"Pakistani."

I bet that courtship was fascinating. She showed me her shoes as she sat on the bar. I think she said they were Mario Rossis.

"Is that good?" I asked, feeling like I knew nothing anymore.

"Yes," she said. "I got them at Goodwill."

Speaking of shoes, Aiden Starr was wearing Dana Dearmond's flip flops, and looked so small that, had she not just walked out of the men's bathroom, I would have popped her in my mouth and blew a bubble with her.

The Highlands was closing for the night. I had worn my wristband for about 15 minutes.

After some internal debate, I went to an afterparty and didn't regret it. I left this year's XRCOs secure in the belief that next year Pirates 2 will have won something.

See the gallery here.

Previously: XRCO afterparty blind items; XRCO voting: One patriot's story; XRCO night: A night to rememb; "Shut up, please"
See also: XRCO

Blind items: XRCO Awards afterparty

2008-05-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Around 4 a.m. several L.A. police officers showed up. They were very courteous. I have never seen an L.A. cop over six feet tall, though. Anyway, they proceeded to a locked bathroom door and knocked on it politely.

"There was a report of an attempted suicide," one officer said, knocking. The door didn't open.

Blind Item 1: The bathroom door opens revealing the very person who always talks about having just fucked someone in the bathroom. The fuckee is in a towel and perfectly healthy physically.

A woman says, "That's one good way to get away from (name withheld); just tell the cops you're attempting suicide."

The police leave.

Blind Item 2: "I'm doing an anal scene with Catalina and right in the middle of it she sort of dreamily wanders away toward a lamp. She says, 'Oh, what a nice lamp!' all the while shitting all over the floor. People are looking at me like I'm supposed to do something about it. I'm like, 'I'm not the shit wrangler!' Eventually she wandered back."

Blind Item 3: "I must have jacked off to that picture of your shoe twenty times."

Blind Item 4: "Remember that Blind Item you did about Throat Gaggers?"

Me: "No."

Blind Item 5: "Did you see that girl with the sort of fried blonde hair? She was a little roomy - her tits were hanging out of her dress. She was wearing some kind of animal print dress - she looked like she just got off work at the Body Shop. Did you see her?"

Me: "No."

"I wanted to jump her so bad."

Previously: "Don't you know I have a child?"
See also: XRCO

I'm never going back to my old school

2008-04-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

It was not the same in Bogue Chitto. There, you'd see old girlfriends suddenly working for the Post Office.

Here it is not uncommon to see an ex show up in a porn movie. In fact, it's common - what else would they do without you?

But when you see the bedspread you had in college in a porn movie, well, that's when it's time for some hard reflection.

Previously: Ashlynn Goes to College; Alannah Starr will try anything once
See also: New Sensations, Steely Dan

Columbia Journalism Review addresses porn megaconglomerates

2008-04-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

With today's announcement that Magna Publishing, parent company of furtive, raincoat-wearing gentlemen's magazine Genesis, has purchased bestubbled, bathrobe-wearing gentlemen's magazine Gallery, media watchers are concerned that a large segment of print medium porn consumers will no longer be represented at the corner, cheap cigar-smelling news stand.

"This happened in 1994 when Sexonaut merged with Clam," said Columbia Journalism Review manging editor Darren Perch-Tounge, "and suddenly a whole generation of gentlemen who smelled like their dogs and day-old despair was voiceless.

"Notice the number agreement of 'generation' and 'was'," Perch-Tounge added. "That's the difference between us and the Middlesex Community College Journalism Review."

As in the world of mainstream media mergers and acquisitions, today's announcement by Magna Publishing, which also purchased the magazines and websites related to Fox and Lollypops, sent ripples of concern through populations fearing they will be underserved by the new monopoly.

"Mmmmm. Pussy," one vagrant said.

"The vagrant is right," Perch-Tounge agreed. "What does a celebrity publisher like Tera Patrick (Genesis) or Stormy Daniels (Velvet) know about the needs of the average Gallery reader who just wants to masturbate to pictures of Oklahoma housewives?"

Perch-Tounge noted that the decline of the DVD and the increase in oil prices are only going to make mergers more common in the coming months.

"You need trucks to drive those magazines to the nation's 7-11s and Store 24s," he said. "And when Rupert Murdoch buys AVN and XBiz next week, there goes the audience for interpretive DVD sales charts."

Previously: Report: Stormy Daniels appears on magazine cover; Tera Patrick: The new black
See also: Genesis Online, The Gallery of Forgotten Girlie Magazines

Remember a Tranny on Mother's Day

2008-04-29T17:42:00.000-07:00

The accepted way for your hi-larious officemate to make fun of a porn movie is to add a ridiculously high number to a wacky title that probably already exists.

"My neighbor's wife should be in My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla 48," he'll say. You will then check your watch and accurately predict that Blackzilla will work his way up to that number sometime in August.

But now and then a title that is too weird to be fake will show up, and we look around for telltale signs of the Apocalypse: not wishing Clinton was back in office, etc.

The porn industry, as anyone working within it will tell you, does a remarkable job of self-policing. Not only are there mandatory HIV tests, the results of which are available to anyone on set, but also the redundant forms of identity documentation required for 2257 compliance.

Why, then, does no one ever ask a performer in a MILF movie Have you ever given birth to a child?

The last straw came today when a copy of Transsexual MILFS 3 arrived. What they mean to say is Old Trannies, but instead they have sullied the sacred role of porn motherhood by populating a movie teeming with elderly transgendered Brazilian men and calling it a MILF movie.

Now if these men had fathered children at one point, they could have the -ILF ending but a new first letter would have to be applied.

I spoke with Loup Perch-Tounge, chairman of the International Porn Standards Office based in Van Nuys.

"I can assure you that none of these women packs her kids off to school with a nice, hot lunch," he said.

Previously: Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
See also: Juicy Entertainment

The Delivery Man: Bodies buried in the desert

2008-04-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Prior to steady employment as America's Beloved Porn Journalist I parlayed my state-issued Commercial Driver License into a gig driving escorts to appointments.

When driving a pro it was as solid a job as working at General Electric; when the escort didn't take her job seriously it was like herding cats. Cats who lie to you and have gonorrhea.

"The Delivery Man," the debut novel of Joe McGinniss, Jr. (his father wrote "The Selling of the President 1968" and the Ted Kennedy biography "The Last Brother," among other books), tells the story of Chase, a half-hearted artist who takes a driving job for a Las Vegas escort agency.

Like any resort town, the desperate side of Las Vegas is never too far away. And that might be its appeal. "The Delivery Man" paints a picture of Chase, the artist, and Las Vegas, his home, in equally somber tones, but no less rich. Read it before your next trip to Vegas.

I talked with McGinniss recently.

GP: Most novels containing world-weariness usually feature older characters. What compelled you to write about younger natives?

JMcG: This is as much a story about the hypersexualization of young people and the rise of sex in popular culture - as it is a Vegas story. Young people had to be front and center of "The Delivery Man" because they reflect society and social mores so clearly. And the combination of young people and Las Vegas was irresistible given the fantastic glittery void and raison d'être of the city. What do the kids who grow up in the spillover from the Strip aspire to? How does living in ground zero of social and moral dysfunction - complete with adult industry annual awards shows and Latino immigrants handing out call-girl flyers offering 'girls in 20 minutes or less' t-shirts - impact kids as they come of age? So this is why I had to focus on the younger natives of Las Vegas.

GP: Like Los Angeles, the accepted wisdom about Las Vegas is its artlessness. Chase's pursuit of an art career is one of the many ominous elements of the novel, because a reader has a good idea it won't go well. Where did his half-hearted profession come from?

JMcG: There are some wonderful artists in Vegas. And some impressive efforts to develop an art community. But yes, there's a mountain of angst in that place and so few places to put it. So what better then to have Chase channel his personal pain into his art. His favorite painting 'Carly' possesses obvious emotional power for him. But like too many "victims" of a Las Vegas upbringing - Chase never quite gets his ambitions off the ground. He has a sense of what he wants, and even a track record of achieving something (gaining admission to NYU, nominated for Teacher of the Year), but like so many in his hometown, he's afflicted by a paralyzing lack of self-esteem that manifests itself in his half-hearted pursuit of an art career.

GP: Lack of self esteem leads to half-heartedness? Don't tell the porn industry.

I was happy to see via a trip through your site that there is a screenplay in progress, because Las Vegas needs the treatment Michael Mann gave to L.A. and Scorsese gave to New York and Boston. Who do you see playing the main characters?

JMcG: I'm officially an "associate producer" on this project therefore I'm under contractual obligation not to mention specific names of potential directors and talent. I take this job and that title very seriously so I'm afraid I can't offer anything. Kidding. I really haven't given it too much thought but have recently become fixated on a few excellent young actresses out there. I see Lauren London as Julia and Nikki Reed as Michele. Both of them are talented and stunning and have this intangible quality -- a certain sultriness -- that I think would really fit with a film version of this novel. There's no question that the film will give young actors an incredible opportunity to completely bust out with something so edgy and fast and tough. Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run) or Paul Thomas Anderson could direct. Are they available?

GP: I'll see what I can do. Issues I have with the book (feel free to become enraged; it is your birthright as a writer):

The character Julia arrives for a conference in the middle of the year as an adult convention and awards show is going on, porn stars abound at the Hard Rock. Which convention would this be? The AVNs are in January and I can't think of another Vegas awards show.

JMcG: Two words: artistic license. And the National Black MBA isn't in the Spring -- it's held each fall as I am well aware because my wife went to that for many years during and just after she graduated "b'school" as they call it (with some of her stories making it into "TDM"). But that timing didn't work for the book. As well, in fairness, I didn't name the AVN's -- just an unidentified adult film convention.

GP: AVN's PR firm will be stoked to read this. Who is the actual model for the cover girl?

JMcG: Isn't she amazing looking? Her name is Anna Seeberg. An aspiring model who lives with her family in Wisconsin. The picture was snapped by her younger sister -- 16 at the time -- in the backseat of their mother's car. The art director for Grove/Atlantic found the photo on Anna's MySpace page and worked something out with her parents (she wasn't 18 at the time) and we got the rights to her photo. Stunning picture. Urban Outfitters must like her look too because they're selling the book hard in all of their stores. As far as characters in the book -- I don't think she's supposed to be anyone in particular. It's more about the expression on her face, the red glasses, the light finding her hair the way it does, the lolita thing, the back-seat of a car. But if she has to be someone -- I say Aubrey -- from El Cajon -- who weighs 87 pounds and whose favorite food is an Egg McMuffin without the egg.

Previously: Christa Faust's "Money Shot"
See also: Joe McGinness Jr.

The Whore Within Me, Without You, or: Being for the benefit of Visual Blurr

2008-04-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

With a title so fraught with porn's importance, I expected to not like this first-time effort by a New Sensations' director calling himself Visual Blurr.

But he clearly had been thinking about this movie for a long time, and had something to say. Some of his performers really oblige him, where others might just be working their shtick and cashing a check (which is their right, too). But you be the judge, because I've spent too much time talking about the space between us all.

Read the review here.

Previously: Life in a Porn Dorm Isn't All Pillowfights And Orgies
See also: New Sensations