A Tale of three Barbies
Labels: china barbie, harry reems, jenna jameson, kay parker, lanny barby
For this second-ever Porner's Almanac I have wholly abandoned trying to sound like Garrison Keillor. While the idea of Garrison Keillor doing a porn podcast is fun, the joke does get old and it does reinforce the idea of a system run off the backs of 19-year-old women for the profit of much older men. Not that that's wrong - Jack in the Box is operated the same way - but there is something ultimately uncomfortable about Garrison Keillor uttering the word "vaginoplasty".
I, on the other hand, was crafted by G-d to utter "vaginoplasty".
I have been working on a Wilford Brimley imitation. Maybe I'll trot that out next week. Something along the lines of "Eat this oatmeal out of my prostate coccoon, you whore."
Here is the text of this week's podcast:
And this is Gram Ponante with The Porner's Almanac for the week of August 27, 2007.
Last week we said goodbye to the porn career of Jenna Jameson, who has several films in the can even if nothing else will be going there. Her multiple plastic surgeries include an alleged vaginoplasty and the substitution of smaller breast implants for larger ones. If this is true, the films that come out will be posthumous ones, because the current Jenna will be, percentage-wise, a different person from the woman who made the movies in the first place.
This week Mattel sued the New York-based half black/half Asian performer China Barbie for in bad faith compromising the integrity of one of its products, namely Barbie. China Barbie, who has operated successfully for five years with that name, surmises that Mattel became aware of her because of the recent recall of several Barbie products made in, you guessed it, China. I am informed that China Barbie has two vaginas, but China's Barbies have lead paint. You tell me what's worse.
This week marks the 60th birthday of Deep Throat star Harry Reems, now a born-again Christian selling real estate in Park City, Utah. Reems was arrested after Deep Throat was released, and put on trial with members of the Colombo crime family for conspiring to transport obscene material across state lines. Witnesses for the prosecution, director Gerry Damiano and star Linda Lovelace were granted immunity. Reems denies Lovelce's later claims that she was forced to do porn. "Linda was never forced at gunpoint to do anything," he said, pointing out that if he wasn't performing in a scene with her he was on set anyway because he was the lighting director. "Nobody ever forced her to do anything."
It is also the 53rd birthday of Kay Parker, who became a star in the original Taboo movies directed by Kirdy Stevens. It is a sign of the way things change that in the first Taboo movie the social faux pas was incest. A recent installment of the Taboo series dealt with smoking. It is true that second-hand smoke kills more people than having sex with one's stepson.
It is the 27th birthday of Mikayla, who mixed her own drinks for a scene atop a bar with Kelly Madison in Run for the Border 3. And it is the 26th and 31st birthdays, respectively, for squirters Angela Stone and Jada Fire.
Finally, It is the 26th birthday of another Barby, this time Lanny, but her last name is spelled with a Y. Plus she's Canadian, and those people can do no wrong.
Our limerick of the week may have something to do with one of the people talked about in this episode, but I doubt it. After all it's porn:
You once were so spongy and pure
But now you're not there anymore
The razor-sharp lines
And pimped out vagine
Make you more of a wraith than a whore
The Porners Almanac was brought to you with the help of the Internet Adult Film Database at IAFD.com. For most if not all of your porn needs, surf over to GramPonante.com, Porn Valley Observed. Until next time, Get wood, keep it up, and drink lots of water.
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