I'm So Awesome: On the Set of Turgid's Goo Goblins 12
DATELINE:
Loup Perch-Tounge - It's
another Porn Valley Sunday. In Encino, the delivery truck is just pulling
away from the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf ("it should be Coffee Beans and Tea Leafs," says director Deering Treetrove
sagely, "because there's not enough for a decent cup of anything the
other way." We laugh, but I laugh most). In Van Nuys, starlet Vix'n squabbles
with her roommate, Turgid contract star Lexus, about an anal scene gone horribly
awry; one which also compromised Vix'n's boyfriend, Dr. Marc Meat. (Apparently,
deep within Lexus on the set of Turgid's Schindler's Fist,
Meat had RIPped instead of FIPped. "It was the moment," Lexus says,
"and he came on my face afterwards, anyway, because he never cleans his
foreskin.")
From his Sun Valley compound, venerable swordsman Dick Rage wrestles with the prototype of his signature line of Bendy harnesses. (As everyone knows, Rage's schlong veers off at a 45 degree angle at about midway through the shaft as well as the tip. Two people in the Phillipines have already died because of the Beta versions, and Rage needs to work out, as it were, the kinks. "Lest we forget," he says solemnly, shaking his fist the way he did in Systolic/Diastolic's Mr. Holland's Anus.)
Goo Goblins 12 is Treetrove's 300th feature for Turgid, the Sylmar outfit that moved to Canoga Park in 1993. He replaced director Dong Davis in helming the Goblins line after the latter embezzled $240,000 from the company in an amicable departure. "I'm proud to continue Dong's vision in this series," Treetrove was quoted in the press release. "These are important stories we're telling, truly mega in every way."
The set is off Mulholland. Gardeners from adjoining houses peer over the heart-shaped topiary. Treetrove has often incorporated Mexican laborers into his films, making his the only titles in porn to employ Greek choruses in the storyline. His brilliant utilization of ambient car alarms ("mermaids singing each to each other") and low-flying planes ("murmuring of the gods") has led Turgid's publicist Rhesus to dub Treetrove "the Aristophanes of Porn."
Treetrove and I pull into the driveway. The owner of the house is there, looking tweaked and nervous. He has a request of Treetrove that he needs privacy to ask. I know what's coming. The two of them adjourn to the garage. A minute later Treetrove returns, and the owner disappears into the house to shower. "Who's it going to be?" I ask. "The caterer," Treetrove replies, smiling, "and we just knocked $500 off the rental."
Caterer? I wonder. Oh yes. The kitchen is already buzzing with activity as the "caterer", Turgid Human Resources lady Marge McMahon, unloads several boxes of Costco snack products onto the stovetop and then leaves for her cigarette break. Vix'n and Dick Rage are already there, having given McMahon their medical clearances. The two stars make small talk ("You seen Matrix Reloaded yet?" Rage asks Vix'n. "I'd suicide-bomb a daycare center for an enema right now," she replies) and wait for their third partner in the morning's scene, notorious porn diva DeLixxShus.
"She's always late," Treetrove grouses. But we know that the machine-shaped beauty, born DeLixxShus Harrison in Philadelphia, always delivers the goods. I nod at AVN's Trent Brown. We are soldiers in the noble fraternity of Pornscribery. As we wait, Brown regales us with DeLixxShus stats and milestones: First QP (the other two holes were her nostrils), Best Penmanship with Her Own Come (she wrote "In Hoc Signo Vinces" on a wall 20 feet away in her Fungal Sandbox debut Ejaculography Bitches), and Bukkake Champion 1997-2003. Brown notes that enough come has been deposited on, in, or around DeLixxShus to fill the payload compartment of the Space Shuttle Endeavor, but, frankly, one can never be sure about his numbers.
Two hours later, DeLixxShus breezes in with her boyfriend, Elder Travis, an 18-year-old Mormon missionary. "He's the only one I trust," she confides to me as she hands in her utterly unnecessary 2257 documentation. "Now Travis," she coos, "bring Mommy a Diet Pepsi."
Vix'n enters the room in a bathrobe. She is radiant. I first encountered the Atlanta-born post-pube at the offices of a former employer. She mistook me for a colleague and demanded that I punch her in the face, or at least date her. I asked her who she thought I was.
"Aren't you Person X?" she asked, consulting some notes.
"No," I laughed, "Down the hall, on the left." Before she flounced off, though, she explained to me the nexus of her powerful sexuality.
"My mission is to be the Trickster of Archetypes, a paradigm-manipulator, a -- "
"Whatever. Down the hall on the left," I repeated.
We are ready to begin. The scene is a B/G/G with DeLixxShus playing the owner of a bordello, Vix'n portraying a hesitant newbie callgirl working her way through Home Economics school, and Rage as the small town's mayor, threatening to close the whorehouse if he isn't given free sex at will.
The cast gets the dialogue scene out of the way first.