Porn consumers are 78 percent more likely to watch a porn comedy a second time than any other kind of adult material, says the American Council of Instantly-Generated Statistics.
Movies like Digital Playground's Contract Star and 6969's Spunk'd are genuinely funny, and not in a Funny But I'm Also Ashamed sort of way.
I think mining the comedic aspects of sex make porn much more accessible, and that includes black humor and self-deprecating comedy. More importantly, I think porn takes itself more seriously than it should most of the time so I applaud the efforts of anyone who can acknowledge that in a movie.
What are your favorite porn comedies? I'm in a dark place.
I met this striking woman at a baby shower several weeks ago, and today I walked onto the set of Anabolic's Creampie Explosions 3 and there she was again, except naked and going by the name Audrey Elson.
The 5'10" Detroit native was to be ejaculated into, then she was to squat and expel it, and then lick it off the floor. All these things happened within 30 minutes of my arriving.
I'll tell you more about director Ivan's extremely efficient movie set later, but I felt it would be in your best interest to see Ms. Elson all Ingresy-y as soon as possible.
(Just so you know, it wasn't Audrey who was having the baby.)
I will be reading two of my brief, brilliant, and poignant classics dealing with Lincoln Logs, anal sex, and the American West tomorrow night at Freddy & Eddy's Emporium as part of the "Surprises" edition of the In the Flesh reading series, hosted by Carly Milne.
Q. But I hate you, Grams. I mean, I really hate you. Are there any other reasons I should go? A. Yes. Not only will there be free cupcakes and (aside from me) a witty, engaging, and attractive audience, but there will also be Nina Hartley reading from her own work, "Shining City" author Seth Greenland, Thrillist.com's Jeff Miller, and "Communicatrix" Colleen Wainwright (I don't know what this means, but it sounds dangerous).
The fun begins at 7:30, way down in Mar Vista on Venice Blvd., and there is a cupcake-defrayal charge of $10.
Five years ago Kiki D'aire left the porn business to pursue a relationship with a man in New Orleans. The relationship didn't work out - spectacularly - and she has returned to porn while she finishes a degree at a southern Jesuit university.
"They're making me take everything but Christian classes," she said while hosting Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's Bar in Burbank last night.
Several generations of porn performers have come and gone in D'aire's absence. When she started her adult career in 1999 she was part of the last wave of performers who could conceivably not appear on the Internet. She worked in features as well as the newer series of low-budget gonzo movies. Even her name sounds antique for porn.
D'aire, who was born in Memphis, always had a different look from most of her contemporaries. She was full-figured in the 90's style, a look that went away as porn performers got smaller and smaller, until many AVN award winners were actually smaller than the statues that commemorated their achievements.
During D'aire's absence she danced, she escorted, she went to school, and she didn't keep up with what was going on in Porn Valley.
"I'd check websites now and then," she said, "but people came and went so fast."
D'aire looks now, as she did then, like the dirtiest girl at the bar. In a white t-shirt and jeans she looks like the Other Woman in any movie featuring a honkytonk gin mill.
"But now I'm more mature-looking," she said, working the room at Sardo's. "I'm sweating my ass off."
"Please don't."
D'aire says she has not yet shot a comeback movie, but says it will have to involve a lot of girls.
"They won't know what hit them," she said.
Still, she is being choosy about how she returns to the camera after being gone for half a decade.
"It has to be worth my while," she said, with a slight Ashley Judd accent. "It can't be just anything."
An earthquake registering 5.8 on the Richter scale shocked California's San Bernardino and Riverside Counties this morning at 11:42, causing buildings to sway as far away as Las Vegas and sending pens and Jenna Jameson's Temptation Award crashing to the floor at Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Salmon Hatchery, Heliport, and Yurt in downtown Los Angeles.
But the Chino Hills-centered quake erupted closest to the compounds of Michael Ninn and Kelly Madison, two porn producers in this area southeast of Los Angeles dubbed "Couples' Porn Valley" for its emphasis on content that ostensibly makes women feel OK about watching porn with their husbands or boyfriends.
Aerial photographs of the paddock in which Ninn once kept a herd of contract girls including Cassidey and Jana Jordan revealed that no significant damage had been done, and that the rolling and swinging characteristic of Southern California earthquakes had little effect on the swinging Kelly Madison was doing already.
Neither was available for comment as local forecasters predicted aftershocks that could measure up to 4.2.
Today's 5.8 quake was the strongest in the area since the devastating Northridge quake of 1994, which accordioned bridges, sent property values hellward, and was largely responsible for the proliferation of porn companies in the northwest San Fernando Valley around the epicenter.
Applied seismologist Lex Luthor does not believe that the magnitude of today's earthquake was sufficient to cause porn companies to seek property in the Chino/Norco/Corona area. But he does predict that a general aura of seediness and God's Wrath will be a boon for the adult industry.
"Everybody has faults," he said. "Mine's in California."
Outside his office in downtown L.A., Ponante said he didn't feel a thing, and lamented his lack of sensitivity.
What with our recent discussion about linguists, it seems fitting that we revisit the MILF and address how we should collectively refer to her kind.
MILF is an acronym for Mom I'd Like to Fuck, and in porn we have seen that that term has been badly abused, as oftentimes a woman billed as a MILF is neither a mom nor a woman I, Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist, would like to fuck.
MILF has come to be used to denote any sexually aggressive older woman, despite the fact that the word "cougar" already fits that definition.
But today we're not here to talk about whether or not a woman is a MILF, but how we should refer to a group of them.
"MILF" is an acronym, meaning a word that can be pronounced from the initials of other words. Many people erroneously believe that an acronym is just a series of initials, but you have to be able to pronounce the series like a word. So LOL is an acronym where BRB and WTF are not. NASA is an acronym, as are OPEC, WASP, and scuba. In fact, for words like scuba (self-contained underwater breathing apparatus), many of us have long-ago forgotten that the word is an acronym at all.
At this point I'll agree that it's really important this article contains nudity.
So if MILF is an acronym and therefore a word, is its plural MILFs or Milves? In a sentence, would you say, "I would like to shoot a ropey volley across that desperate group of MILFs" or "milves"?
I think the plural should be milves because it is reminiscent of wolves and turves, as in "I would love to roll those milves in the turves where my buddies and I play golves."
That being said, Tyann Mason and Friday are excellent in Hustler's Revenge of the MILFs. At first I was worried that revenge - as good a reason for having sex as any - would not actually be a part of the movie. But each of the milves has vengeance on her mind in this movie, even to the point of Mason seducing a Mormon missionary.
Linguist, MIT professor, and essayist Noam Chomsky said he'd never heard of "The Hustler" magazine, but consented to a 2005 interview because editors had sent him a list of his friends who'd also been featured in its sticky pages.
He said that, after the magazine had not sent him a transcript to approve, he had forgotten about the interview. He certainly would not have consented if he'd known Hustler was a porn publication.
So Chomsky seems irritated to be asked about his views on pornography in this YouTube video, as if that What Porn Does is degrade women and that is a foregone conclusion. In response to the argument that women in pornography concede to and are compensated for filming, Chomsky says that if a sweatshop burns down, are its workers not to be pitied because they agreed to work there?
I'd argue that porn's real victims of degradation are the mopes who make $50 (or nothing) to hang around and jerk off in bukkake videos, but those guys like doing that.
Oddly enough, the issue of Hustler displayed in the Youtube video is not the one that was widely available: both issues featured an embracing Krystal Steal and McKenzie Lee (and Sheryl Crow nude), but the newsstand version bumped Chomsky off the cover for Lesbo Cherry Popping. Maybe that's why he was peeved; he was all set to pose casually by his Hustler cover at Harvard Square's Out of Town News and it was More Chomping, Less Chomsky.
Degradation surely is in the eyes of the beholder. I want to invite Professor Chomsky to an Anabolic shoot to prove my theory of applied generative grammar.
To her roles as celebrity publisher, honorary fire chief, Kentucky Colonel, and orthodox rabbi can Tera Patrick now add "special producer" to her list of honorific titles.
Patrick has signed on to THQ's "Saints Row 2" for Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 for undisclosed payment and duties. The "Grand Theft Auto"-type game will feature Patrick as a character, and all will be revealed when the title is released in October.
Thanks to Steve Johnson at AVN finishing school G4TV for the link.
While I don't usually cover Las Vegas filling station events, not only is the opportunity to write the headline Sassy Gets Gassy too hard to resist, but you'll also remember my strong commitment to finding you the lowest gas prices, even if you have to drive to Las Vegas in July to get them.
Radio personality Sassy Tease, host of Las Vegas' "Sex with Sassy" program, will be at the Speedee Mart on the corner of Swenson and Flamingo Saturday, July 26, from 11 to 3.
"Sassy will host this fun filled event and there will be other fun activities such as a "Sexy Car Wash" Contests, Gas Giveaways & more! A percentage of the proceeds from merchandise purchase from Sassy and the car wash will benefit Opportunity Village a Local Las Vegas Non-Profit Organization.
During the event Speed Mart will lower their gas prices and have the best gas prices in Las Vegas. They will also have drink specials, 25 Cents Hot Dogs and other specials. Monster will be there to give out product samples and Sassy will say hello and sign autographs, store guests, new and existing fans."
So not only will Sassy sign autographs, but she will also sign store guests and existing fans.
I don't know why I got this press release. But sometimes bad press releases inspire me in the way that good ones do not, so it was as if the Intelligent Designer sent this to me Itself, because I then had the strength to find this online review of Speedee Mart from a diabetic disabled woman:
"An employee named Amanda (23-years old, obese, White) is rude to customers. On 5-24-08 Amanda was rude to me, a regular customer (over 50 and permanently wheelchair-bound), and so I left my purchases on the counter and started to leave without paying for them. Then Amanda told me that I was 86-ed. When I returned to explain why, she reitereated that I was 86-ed permanently. Yes, I threw a bit of a tantrum and told her that if she was going to 86 me permanently, then she could have the fountain drink that I didn't purchase and shoved it off her side of the counter.
In addition, this Speedee Mart is often out of hazelnut coffee."
A former exotic dancer, Sassy Tease once sang with a member of the Platters. Let us hope that she can bring her star wattage to bear on the terrible hazelnut coffee scarcity they've got in Vegas.
In other news, I will be at the Dunkin Donuts on the corner of Hagler and Despair in Brockton, MA any given week night.
Ashlynn Brooke and Tommy Gunn deliver poignant anti-alcohol message
By the 10-minute mark in most AVN award shows, the heady thrill that accompanies the 2-hour wait for the show to start has dwindled considerably. That is why many people don't remember that the band Buckcherry played the AVN show in 2007 on the strength of their 2006 hit "Crazy Bitch."
I use "Crazy Bitch" as the ringtone for someone very special, and many Buckcherry songs speak to other parts of my life, including "Lit Up," "Borderline," and "Porno Star." The L.A.-based band picks up where George Thorogood left off in that they don't just perform songs about drinking.
But they don't completely exclude drinking. The video for their song "Too Drunk To Fuck" follows a chubby, bearded man and his hot girlfriend to a houseparty where Buckcherry is playing (the band has been forced to play smaller venues as has been the fate of any mainstream act that appears at the AVN show). The bearded man drinks too much and cannot perform for his woman, then vomits in what appears to be a Swiss alpenhorn.
Appearing as a tender, lovemaking couple in the video are real-life couple Ashlynn Brooke and Tommy Gunn who, even in keeping all their clothes on, still manage to convince Hot Girlfriend that she can do better than a man who appears to be a porn production assistant who can't hold his liquor.
Brooke and Gunn are friends of the band, who played the AVN show the night Gunn won as Best Male Performer.
"When the fans see us in mainstream projects like this, they tell me it's like they're in a secret club and knowing who we are is the handshake," Brooke said, not adding "drinking is wrong."
I have a feeling that the promotional Memphis Monroe video might be the best thing about the new book "Wife Training: A Pig's Guide to Love And Marriage."
The Pride of Northern Kentucky and Southern Indiana gives 90's-era Jenny McCarthy a run for her money in her I Know You're Looking at My Boobs But You Should Listen Anyway presentation. It was enough to get me to the book's website, anyway, where I found some things that concerned me.
As a happily married man, I know that wives chafe at the word "training." Instead, they prefer subtle emotional reconditioning which may include unpredictable gifts of chocolates (to keep them on their best behavior) and mindful taps to certain fleshy areas.
The book says that women prefer "real men." I believe this, too, but everyone knows that real men don't use .net extensions; they find an available .com and go for it.
I don't know why some chapters needed exclamation points and others didn't. I was also disappointed in Chapter Six, "The Holy Grain of Wife Training." Don't you mean grail? I wouldn't be up to my Xiphoid Process in primo female tail if I wasn't conversant with King Arthur and Indiana Jones.
But lesser literary endeavors have always benefited from the presence of hot women. If you don't believe me, look at this.
Monroe says she shot the video last year. "It's hilarious LOL," she explained.
Like you, I was once 12 and can see the appeal of huge boobs, especially on someone as pleasant-seeming as Devin Taylor, who throws them this way and that in flesh-loving publication Score's Devin Does South Beach.
Taylor often looks like Flower Tucci's agreeable, heavier sister.
Also like you, I haven't seen South Beach since Scarface, and so was keen to see Tony Montana's old booger sugar stomping ground.
But Devin doesn't "do" South Beach as much as appear adjacent to it, preferring to squeeze, soap, and wrap her boobs in rented Dade County rooms and pools. I believe they had to use a special camera to capture the blessed event.
But don't be hard on Devin Taylor for giving South Beach short shrift: she has HUGE BOOBS, after all, and that used to count for something in America. Still, that does not give her the right to spell "masturbate" wrong; it insults the intelligence of today's sophisticated porn consumer.
Kiki D'aire, Kami Andrews, and Anastasia Blue are three former porn performers (one of whom allegedly is returning and two of whom I've met) who have large and eclectic fan bases that are different from those of the standard-issue porn star. They also have ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands (and, in one case, ex-families) who will take every opportunity to trash them.
In recent months I have received anonymous e-mails and comments from people telling me everything from these performers' real names, addresses, and telephone numbers to how much their escorting fee is and how much they've let themselves go. I delete as many of these comments as I can. No offense to any other website or publication, but I have neither the time nor inclination to air your grievances.
According to the women themselves, each of whom has contacted me, they are getting on with their lives and have guarded words about the people who are putting them down anonymously, all of whom share certain identifiable characteristics with exes.
However invested a porn star is in his or her fan community, she is performing a job that ends when she quits, and she has a right to privacy and, at the least, the right to defend herself in person. I would no sooner print an anonymous tip about Kiki D'aire as I would about Tom Cruise (a little bird told me they are the same person - ZING!) and the fact that their detractors want to attack them in such a personal manner leads me to an issue I have with some porn fans.
Public bulletin boards and website comment sections are not the place for personal attacks, especially anonymous ones. And the woman you pay to jerk you off, whether she is on a screen or in your hotel room, is a temporary employee and not a substitute for every woman who has ever turned you down.
To paraphrase Mika Tan, porn performers are whores, not sluts. You pay them and they perform a service, in the same way that you pay me and I file nuisance lawsuits at the courthouse. And if you encounter them in an outcall situation, you do not own them and, despite literature to the contrary, being a 'monger does not make you cool.
As always, the only reliable metric of coolness is the amount of sex one gets for free (without being Uday Hussein).
UPDATE: A commenter said today that Anastasia Blue died on July 19 from an overdose of Tylenol. I have yet to verify this. If anyone has reliable information please share it with me.
San Francisco takes first step in decriminalizing prostitution
San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom, mulling the idea of succeeding Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor of California, is against decriminalizing prostitution in his city, saying that it will hinder investigation of sex trafficking.
But members of the Erotic Service Providers Union, which represents some prostitutes, strippers, and other hands-on laborers, who gathered 12,000 signatures to land a measure to end prostitution prosecution (as well as requiring first-time johns to attend a class) on this November's ballot, rejoiced.
"We made it!" said Starchild, a Bay Area male prostitute and activist. "Now all we have to do is win the election."
A Prostitution Task Force convened by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors recommended decriminalization in 1996.
Sex worker activist Maxine Doogan said it was about time the said it was about time the Task Force's suggestions were implemented.
"Criminalizing sex workers has been putting workers at risk of violence and discrimination for far too long," she said.
As America's foremost critic of pornographic and pornotextual material (it even says so on my parking space), I am often asked, upon writing an unfavorable review of a movie, what right I have to say so if I have never directed or performed in a pornographic movie?
A reasonable question if one disregards the following two things:
Do I have to be a chef to appreciate good cooking? If I throw up, am I therefore a bad eater?
How come my credentials are never questioned when I give something a good review?
More and more I am falling out of love with porn features, those movies with stories and scripts, because too often the weight of the parts overwhelms the appeal of the movie's basic porniness. The inevitable disparity between hype and substance reveals limitations less ambitious movies don't have. I think a simple, cheap gonzo movie succeeds much more frequently than one that tries and fails.
I even see a little arrogance in some of the bigger feature efforts, as if just trying should be enough to justify and forgive a train wreck's failure. Only in school are we given grades for effort independent of success.
The features that most often fall afoul for me are the serious ones dealing with sexual obsession, darkest desires, and hidden secrets. People who can't act are not allowed to have those things. And sometimes even porn comedies, those things which I think are closest to the spirit of what getting naked on camera should be, also trip over themselves.
Of all the things that get jammed down the throat in a porn movie, the script should not be one of them.
I mention this because, oh man, I really didn't like Carolina Jones And the Broken Covenant, much as I like Ava Rose and Bree Olson. I wish it could have been a bunch of sex scenes with no script, costumes, or foreign locations. The money saved could have gone for a pizza party at the end of the school year.
I get e-mails from a company called Adult Talent Managers declaring the availability (and for what services) of their clients for adult films. Today, even though it's Monday, the company announced the achedule of a woman named Friday, who will be in town in August, all 4'11" of her.
Friday does all the standard things, like blowjobs, girl/boy scenes, interracial scenes, etc., but she does it while taking up less vertical space. I feel the same way about Aiden Starr, another efficiency model porn performer whose motto should be "Better Highway."
But one can't look at the French Friday without invoking the name of the Intelligent Designer. That is why I have trademarked the ejaculation "Thank God It's Friday" to differentiate her from, say, Kiki D'aire, whose fans greet her with "Oh Jesus Christ."
I think "Thank God It's Friday" is an interesting way to remember both the performer and the actual day of the week, which is why I coined this slogan. I imagine that, long after the performer Friday has retired from her adult career, people might still say "Thank God it's Friday" when arriving to work on Friday morning, and maybe will even greet friends at their local chain watering hole at the end of a tough week with that statement.
Thus will something I invented for a woman who gives blowjobs for money pass into common English usage. That will be my legacy, my friends.
The initials of Adult Talent Managers, like those of Digital Playground, are shorthand for a specialized service often found in porn movies and in the wild. I think a good marketing ploy for both companies would be to offer their "initial" service across their product line, so every scene with Stoya will be a DP and every scene with Friday involves ATM.
Adult Talent Managers is, by the way, the only agency with the marketing savvy to submit its arrivals for this fantastic advertising service I provide, even though this site is read by dozens of people worldwide.
Phat Ass Tits 5 is an example of how, in porn, the word for one body part can be used as the adjective that modifies another. But it's a colloquial thing that requires knowledge of the language one is manipulating. One would never say "She has a big tit ass," for example.
Anyway, director Anton Slayer asks Gianna what was the weirdest thing she had ever done with her 36DD natural breasts. Before she goes into porn star mode and says, "I like sliding a cock between them," she says, "I've knocked a couple of fucking guys in the head with them."
I bet they have yet to recover. Still, what a way to go.
What with all the nuisance lawsuits flying around the adult industry these days, along comes Thays Schiavinato, a dead ringer for Charlotte Stokely (except for the penis). Stokely should so sue.
Transsexual Jerk-offs is a movie from Juicy Entertainment. The very title sounds like something a New York City cab driver might say (judges would also have accepted "Transsexual Jagoff"). It's a comforting sign that porn is getting more mainstream every day.TM
Joanne Cachapero, with whom I write a monthly review column for the adult trade magazine XBiz Premiere, walked into my office while this movie was on and said, "Who's the pretty girl?"
"It's a transsexual, Joanne," rolling my eyes like a teenager.
Only Handjobs 6 has the distinction of being both a porn movie and a viable excuse one could make to God. "Come on God," one might say, "what I did with the 2002 Arizona Diamondbacks was only handjobs."
One's past porn career has a way of reasserting itself every now and then, and Sophia Lynn, who left the business following some divine intervention, stars in this tribute to manual labor that also features Mikayla, Angelina Valentine, Sativa Rose, Mya Luanna, Aliana Love, Cassandra Cruz, Sandi Jacmon, Kylie, and Bianca Dagger.
But Only Handjobs is too modest, don't you think? Each handjob is great in the eyes of the Lord.
Dear Log, I am going to the set of This Ain't Gilligan's Island XXX today. I read in Variety that the 21-page script, credited to Roger Krypton, was actually ghost-written by a Hustler insider. That would be like finding out the script for "The English Patient" was written by Harvey Weinstein! This is very exciting.
11:15
Jack Lawrence is in the makeup room. He's playing the Professor. This is excellent casting; Lawrence even has a white shirt. He introduces me to someone I already know as "the guy who invented the lifts in Marcus London's shoes." Everyone smiles.
What can I say? "I'm also a Scientologist."
I pick up a script from a stack in a Kinko's box. They went for the expensive paper. The plot goes thusly: Porn director Rob Naughty arrives on Gilligan's Island to shoot a movie with his cast and crew. They are surprised to find Gilligan and the gang there. The porn performers and the castaways go at each other while Naughty secretly films, having convinced Gilligan et al that he will rescue them.
I ask Lawrence what his character will be doing in the script.
"I haven't read it yet," he says. That guy is Method all the way.
11:30
Regan Reese gets out of makeup. She's playing Alexxxy, the adult film actress who blows Gilligan. The Behind the Scenes photographer keeps looking at me. She looks sort of familiar. It is Ryan Keely, nude model and porn lesbian! She used to be known as Maria Menendez, production assistant whom everyone wanted to see do porn but who always said she wasn't interested. I finally recognize her.
She approaches Regan Reese, who is like a concentrated dollop of tattooed lust, and says, "I have to motorboat you" and proceeds to put her face between Reese's breasts and shake her head around.
Women get away with murder in this business. Murder.
GINGER Gilligan. The fuck? The fuck, Gilligan. Get the fucking coconuts.
GILLIGAN The coconuts, I -
GINGER The fucking coconuts, you Fuck. Climb the tree. Get the coconuts. The milk. The milk in them. What I'm saying is that the milk in them is what we need.
GILLIGAN The coconuts
GINGER The milk in the coconuts, you Fuck, Gilligan.
Regardless, Skye, more than anyone in the cast, really makes an effort to channel her character from the series. Everybody says so.
1 p.m.
It is Darryl Hanah's 36th birthday. Hanah, playing Mrs. Howell, really lends credence to the suggestion that women get hornier after 30. She spends most of the time in the green room with a little vibrator.
"My grandmother said, 'Just wait 'til you're sixty,'" she said.
Hanah just entered the adult business when she was 33 and she has shot movies on each of her birthdays since. She gets mostly MILF roles, and thinks that is missing the point.
"You're either barely legal or you're a MILF," she said, "with nothing in between."
Playing Mr. Howell is 53-year-old Dick Nasty, a British gentleman who, until a day or so ago, had a sex scene in the movie but it was written out. Now he has to watch as Rod Fontana, playing the Skipper, nails his wife.
"You could just go in there with the old script and pretend you never got the revised version," I suggested. "You could say they never couriered the purple pages to you."
With a wry Hollywood insider wit like that I should be Perez Hilton.
12:15
Kristin Spillers, delightful Hustler marketing functionary, breaks down the difference between all the recent TV show porn parodies.
"If it starts with 'This Ain't the...,' it's a Hustler title," she says. "If it starts with 'Not the...," it's an XPlay/Jeff Mullen title that he gives us to distribute."
Porn has always relied on loose to looser adaptations of mainstream successes, but the person to thank or blame for the recent flood of projects is Jeff Mullen who, after making four "Britney Rears" movies, followed them up with "Not the Bradys XXX" last year.
So far there have been two "Not the Bradys" movies, a "Get Smartass" that was just shot by "Gov Lov" director Stuart Canterbury and fast-tracked for release in August, "This Ain't the Munsters XXX," directed by Gilligan's Anton Slayer, "Not Bewitched XXX," and "This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX" which Mullen directed as a hireling of Hustler. In addition, Mullen has developed porn spoofs of "The Love Boat," "Three's Company," and "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood."
Of the latter, Mullen said, "Mr. Rogers will be teaching sweet young girls about pulling down their pants and exploring their ‘dirty areas.'"
So, you know, there's a lot at stake.
1 p.m.
The cast assembles for photos. At first I think it's weird that there are extra people on Gilligan's Island, like the visiting porn crew, but the TV show always had guests, especially the TV movies that followed the show's cancellation. In fact, a member of the cast of This Ain't Gilligan's Island XXX has a relative who worked in production of two of the Gilligan TV movies.
This is sad, and is unfortunately the way things are. My relatives would also be scandalized if the press knew they were related to America's Beloved Porn Journalist, as they are the Saudi royal family.
Director Anton Slayer and veteran Hustler photographer Matti Klatt arrange the castaways for the boxcover photo, which is to be sexy but non-nude. I ask for thirty seconds while Klatt changes memory cards and ask the cast to act as if the Skipper is the lone defender of morals on the island.
1:30 p.m.
Ryder Skye has to put makeup on her tattoos because Ginger wouldn't have them. That's her Mamet training.
3 p.m.
I see this sign
...and ask Spillers if I will get one.
"Maybe next time," she says.
It is because I don't have my own clothing line. I just know it.
4 p.m.
Jack Lawrence introduces me to Evan Stone as "the guy who invented the lifts in Marcus London's shoes."
5 p.m.
Craft services on the set today include lots of snacks. Pizza is delivered later on, but for now I eat some licorice and a box of cheddar cheese noodles. I know at the outset that if it smells this way going in, well ... Lucky the warehouse is being sold, is all I'm saying.
7 p.m.
Poor goddamn Mr. Howell. Poor Dick Nasty. At first he thought he had a sex scene and then he didn't. His character is reduced to watching the skipper, Rod Fontana, bang his wife. Hanah can really teach these younger women about exhibitionism.
8 p.m.
Sindee Jennings wasn't supposed to play Mary Ann. Until yesterday the role belonged to Penny Flame. But I understand Flame did not get her STD test out of the way in time, so Jennings was called and she had recently dyed her hair black. Sindee is from Abilene, a very dusty town. I imagine this is why Jennings can squirt whole buildings d0own.
"Are you squirting in your scene today?" I ask.
"Nope. That would be extra," she says.
Before Cytherea made squirting a marketable niche, performers and their agents didn't charge extra for it, and now the more financially savvy ones do.
8:30
Tony Rosano plays Gilligan. He has brought a guitar to the set and is playing Rush songs - really well. He's not one of those guys who demands you listen to him noodle, either, which is almost as bad as the party guest who tells you about his home brewery. Instead, Rosano just plays quietly. Cool dude.
9 p.m.
It's getting late. I don't usually stay so late on set but I haven't been to one in a long time, and this movie is different in that it has an ensemble cast with four women who don't each fit into the porn cookie cutter mold. Director Anton Slayer comes into the green room. He looks tired.
"What's that smell?" he asks.
"Cheddar cheese noodles," a few of us say.
"You're going to go into the kitchen at 1 a.m. and look for the cheddar cheese noodles but there won't be any, because I'll be driving home and eating them in my car," I say.
"If I'm still here at 1:30," he says, "shoot me in the head."
He's there until 2 a.m.
10 p.m.
There is fucking being filmed somewhere in the building, but it's time to go. Outside I join a cigarette smoker whose mother would be offended to read her daughter smoked, so she will go nameless on this family website. There is a rustling in the dumpster next to us and a man in a miner's helmet with a light on the top of it emerges. It's dark, so we only see the light.
"You've been getting rid of a lot of good empties," he says, going down the list of what prices California pays for its redeemables. Things are tough all over. His dog, Harley, waits nearby. The man, who identifies himself as Major, tells the following joke:
"What are a woman's four favorite animals? A jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom," (and I can't remember the other two). UPDATE: check the comments for the answer.
Porn consumers are 78 percent more likely to watch a porn comedy a second time than any other kind of adult material, says the American Council of Instantly-Generated Statistics.
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