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"(Porn Valley Observed is) the smartest and funniest coverage of the adult industry you will read." - About.com


Tuesday, July 31, 2007
  Clown porn at Comic-Con
Free spirit Hollie Stevens sent along this picture of herself and Daisy Laine from last week's Comic-con in San Diego where they represented the Clown Porn and Girls & Corpses concerns.

You would be forgiven for thinking they were just undergoing the manic phase of their bipolar cycles but No, they are supposed to be hot clowns.

Previously: Boxing Day in Alpha 15
See also: Hollie Stevens, Girls And Corpses, Clown Porn

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 31, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  Kiwi vegans missing out on all the good men
People concerned with this sort of thing In New Zealand report that there is an increase in "vegansexuals", people who choose not to have sex with carnivores, even human ones.

"I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of others who have died for their sustenance," said one Christchurch vegan.

Read the full story after the gap.

Oddly enough, "You wouldn't believe how many carcasses are inside me" is my most effective pick-up line.

Carnivore sex off the menu
By REBECCA TODD - The Press | Tuesday, 31 July 2007

No sex, please, you're a carnivore.


A new phenomenon in New Zealand is taking the idea of you are what you eat to the extreme.

Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals.

The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of "cruelty-free consumers".

Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.

"It's a whole new thing – I have not come across it before," said Potts.

One vegan respondent from Christchurch said: "I believe we are what we consume, so I really struggle with bodily fluids, especially sexually."

Another Christchurch vegan said she found non-vegans attractive, but would not want to be physically close to them.

"I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of others who have died for their sustenance," she said.

Christchurch vegan Nichola Kriek has been married to her vegan husband, Hans, for nine years.

She would not describe herself as vegansexual, but said it would definitely be a preference.

She could understand people not wanting to get too close to non-vegan or non-vegetarians.

"When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," she said.



Previously: Even professionals benefit from dildo etiquette
See also: Carnivore sex off the menu (stuff.nz)

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 31, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  37 tips from a stripper
Strip club manager/Iron Maiden enthusiast Tim Case sent this along. He said he found it on Craigslist, but his wife, the dancer/performer/proud mom Felicia Fox, might have written it, too.

Everything listed in this Stripper Rant is common sense but it is, of course, a letdown to find that peelers don't like me for my profound insights into the adult industry. Remember: strippers don't like you; they tolerate you. Your only chance at approximating the warm, positive regard girlfriend experience you've been fooling yourself about is if you tip.

Read the rant after the gap.

Stripper Rant

1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It's a fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already.

2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.

3) You with the thick-ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh?

4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.

6) No I will not just let you "slip it in real quick" for $50 more bucks.

7) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.

8)If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.

9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.

11) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all, your breath ranks (what'd you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you're about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don't give a shit.

12) Don't bitch at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.

13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.

14) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.

15 )Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.

16) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!

17) "So what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance with guys in dark pants.

18) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!! That's extra.

19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!

20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious perfume before our dance.

21) Hey cheapasses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to "Desperate Housewives" instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.

22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that's why.

23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.

24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you stupid mutherfucker!

25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.

26) I can see it's your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girls don't have to do "extra services." I can give you some recommendations for a small fee.

27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.

28) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.

29)Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more.

30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It's like me going to PETA looking for a steak.

31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.

32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't know all the words.

33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell like lapdance funk.

35) Hey DJ! You suck!

36)Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking dancing llama on your ass is so lame.

37)Girls--some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are, you fucking weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men, or Bjork. For the love of God, Please.

Previously: Your porn stars, pregnant;
See also: Tim Case

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 31, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 30, 2007
  New Porn Daily: Triple threats prove truth in advertising
At no point in JM Productions' Wife, Mother, Whore are the five female performers (including Alison Pierce, above) asked if they themselves gave birth to their children, but neither is this movie marketed as a MILF title. And for that honesty I am grateful.

Each of the women in this movie not only has children but is also married and accepts money for having sex. I haven't seen such a truthful title since I've Been Sodomized.

Previously: I Heart Suckable; Transsexual MILFs; A bit of the old in-out for Chelsie Rae
See also: JM Productions

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  ¶ Monday, July 30, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  The Butt Wax has exploded, or: shoving trans fats up your ass
Every day I receive boxes of excellent adult products that I mention on my global network of sites in reviews, casual allusions, paid advertising, or as simple prayers the faithful may use in novenas. Most of these products are very compelling.

But sometimes they are horrifying. Read more after the gap.

The first thing I noticed when I opened the Topco box was that it was heavier than normal. Inside were two weapons-grade grrltoyz vibrators that I immediately dispatched to likely lady reviewers (read the review here) as well as a large tub of something.

That something was Bottoms UpTM Butt Wax Anal Balm, and it had leaked all over the box, sullying the vibrators.

"What's all over this box?" my vibrator test subject asked.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you," I said. That line even gets me out of paying my electric bill. You should try it.

Why Bottoms UpTM is trademarked and not Butt Wax was a mystery to me, as was the fact that the company had decided to go ahead and put anal balm in the title, too.

The tub contained 46 ounces of white goop (there were supposed to be 47, but one leaked out) and the directions were as follows:
Scoop it up and apply to desired area for lubrication and to ease discomfort.
In this case, "desired area" means the ass. And this is, of course, fine, but where is the romance when you have to scoop something up and slap it like mortar on your intended's desired area? Maybe if you're a Mason...

But where this product just became wrong was when I searched for its ingredients, which consist entirely of partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Using this anal balm would be like shoving a super-sized package of McDonald's french fries up your or your partner's ass, minus the potatoes.

As any resident of the Castro will tell you, the nation's gay men have been using Crisco, which is mostly partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, for generations. But the rule of thumb (or whatever) should always be: If you wouldn't put it in your mouth as food, don't put it in your ass.

Finally, if you are to use a product like this, remember that it is not safe for latex condoms; you'll have to go bareback with it, just like a real porn star!

Previously: Products for your down under from down under; Ladyboy or Cenobite?; The sacred semiotics of the stigmafoot
See also: Partially hydrogenated oils, Crisco

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  ¶ Monday, July 30, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
  Stood Up party in New York with Savanna Samson
Following the recent tradition of acknowledging other porn-buying regions of the country, Vivid will sponsor a launch party in New York for Stood Up, a fictionalized account of comedian Bob Levy's history of having jokes stolen from him by people who went on to become famous, except with sex thrown in.

Savanna Samson, who plays Levy's evil agent in the B. Skow-directed picture, will co-host the August 9 party at Manhattan's Ultra.

Read more after the gap.

Now that I know the premise of the film, I am moved to forgive Levy for making fun of my glasses during last year's FAME Awards; his has been a hard life. When Andrew Dice Clay steals your jokes, you have worse things to worry about.

After the fourth or fifth time Levy made comments about my glasses - glasses I use to see - from his bully pulpit on the stage, I thought, "This man has been hurt before. Perhaps terribly. Perhaps by Andrew Dice Clay." Pity has even crept into my thinking about this individual.

I spoke with the co-writer of Stood Up, an adult industry publishing figure so close to the center of the porn universe that he cannot be identified.

"Levy isn't actually having sex in this movie, is he?" I asked.

"No," the writer replied. "We've got Tommy Gunn playing the young Levy, and Lee Stone plays the Andrew Dice Clay character."

Other comedians with identifiable stand-ins in the movie are Jeff Foxworthy and Jerry Seinfeld.

"It's a hilarious movie," the writer added.

"If you say so." (Actually, I'm looking forward to watching it.)

Levy is making it up to me by proxy through an open bar that will run for two hours, starting at 8 p.m. Then the general public will be allowed in. "Guests will enjoy a night of sexy fun with Savanna and Levy, who will also sign complimentary Stood Up DVDs and be available for photographs."

Just wear your contacts.

Previously: FAME: America recognizes small asses; Lux's Life; The tannens in Miss Samson
See also: Vivid

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  ¶ Monday, July 30, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 27, 2007
  Rhino to get Ninn skin
Director Michale Ninn and NinnWorx have been contracted to art up the 34 worldwide locations of the Spearmint Rhino peeler chain, and the studio will function as the clubs' production arm.

I'm hoping that Spearmint Rhinos will become more Innocence Brat and less Sacred Sin, because who wants to go to a strip club and see someone raging around his apartment weeping about the death of his wife?

Full story on the next page.

Ninn says that this deal, with its roots in meetings between himself and Spearmint Rhino owner John Gray at January's AVN Convention, includes NinnWorx contract performers Jana Jordan and Heather Vuur appearing at the clubs.

The partnership has resulted in the creation of a third company, NinnWorx_SR, which will be headquartered in the city of Norco in Riverside County.

Norco sounds like the soulless name of a company town, but it is actually short for "North Corona" - uninspired, but California is a big place, and you don't get a gem like "Hesperia" every day. In Norco, you can ride your horse to dinner, and many businesses have hitching posts.

Riverside County, famous for being a hotbed of despair, is now changing its image to a porn destination (though it is doubtful you will find that in Chamber of Commerce literature). The headquarters of Pornfidelity are just down the street in Corona.

NinnWorx has recently signed Lena Nicole to a contract, and for a while flirted with the idea of signing former Adam & Eve implosion Sophia Lynn. This will probably not happen due to a recurrence of the same things that scuttled her Adam & Eve deal, sources say.

Recent rumors of NinnWorx' financial instability are exaggerated and incorrect, say company spokespeople. The company co-sponsored its "Gathering" party last year with Eddie Van Halen in support of Sacred Sin. Van Halen went into rehab shortly thereafter, but I should have as well. That's how good the party was.

Previously: An awkward conversation with Heather Vandeven; In a white room with meat curtains; Good Friday at the Filth Factory
See also: Ninnworx, Spearmint Rhino

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  ¶ Friday, July 27, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  jessica drake will blow you dry
I have been pleading with Wicked Pictures to make a porn version of Davey And Goliath but they chose the Old Testament story of Samson and Delilah instead.

jessica drake plays an unhinged and lowdown hairdresser whose fatal attraction to Samson (Herschel Savage), results in blue-tinted condom sex and cross-Testament plot points in Michael Raven's Delilah.

A reading from the review, here.

Previously: 2007 AVN wrap-up; Wicked good hors d'ouevres
See also: Wicked Pictures, Davey And Goliath

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  ¶ Friday, July 27, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 26, 2007
  EXCLUSIVE: Tera Patrick appears on Internet
Tera Patrick, some bicycle messengers, and the pitch-black interior of a Seattle sushi restaurant appeared on the Internet recently, Tera's spokestaff said.

The website LA.com traveled to Washington to capture the footage, which appeared on YouTube. Even Patrick's compelling breasts could not justify why this material was filmed, edited, and uploaded.

View the video here.

"We also have a video of an Australian fat kid," YouTube pointed out.

Previously: XBiz Summer Forum '07 in review; OMG: Local paper to write about porn; Erotica L.A. 2007 in review;
See also: LA.com, Tera Patrick

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  ¶ Thursday, July 26, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  Gargantuan Cock Public Toilet
Because I am so goddamn important, I receive approximately 1,000 spam messages a day, some from mortgage companies, others from Nigeria, others from All Media Play. And I read all of them, because in each there is always a fragment of truth.

Today a message arrived with the heading "You king" and related a story of loss and redemption, which you will see after the break in the HTML continuum.

Girls always giggled at me and even guys did in the public toilets!
Well, now I giggl at them, because I took Mega Dik
For 4-6 months and now my dick is much bigger than "average" size.
Line 1: Paints a dramatic picture of a country where both girls and guys get together in public toilets for giggling sessions. Probably in Europe.

Line 2: Taking Mega Dik caused the writer to invent the verb "giggl", which he would engage in in public restrooms, against women and men.

Line 3: Mega Dik caused such an injury to the writer's cognitive functioning that he (or she - maybe that's why men giggled at her penis size) had no idea how long he/she took it. He/she also puts the word "average" in quotes, indicating that an average-sized dick is actually small.

This spam tells me that the world is tough enough without people going to co-ed bathrooms looking for trouble. If we imagine men and women taking this product to increase their dick size for the sole purpose of returning to this lavatory network to giggle at people with smaller dicks on a semi-annual cycle, you can understand why my next movie will be called Gram Ponante's European Gargantuan Cock Public Toilet.

Because, given how big those girls' dicks will be in three years, they won't even be able to fit into the stalls.

Previously: Katja Kassin in Viva La Van; Still life with Santa, toilet; Skater Girl Fever; How to make me read your spam; What spam tells us about porn;

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  ¶ Thursday, July 26, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
  Bree Olson to Hustler: Please, not on my face
Hustler has of late sent out screeners of its movies with a pink sticker attached. The sticker lets potential fences know that enclosed is a movie for review purposes only; you can't jerk off to it or sell it.

Because I consider my job as an occasional reviewer to be a Sacred Trust between Mr. Larry Flynt and myself (even if I'm reviewing a Vivid movie), I would never dream of selling these films.

Instead, I launch them into space after I'm done, to make the ionosphere more sex-positive.

But what governs where these stickers go, and is it art? Join me after a brief recess for a thoughtful discussion.

A guy named Dan Silver is the director and, I assume, your stand-in for the first edition of Barely Legal P.O.V.

Point of View movies make me feel a little uncomfortable. Something about the performers looking directly at the camera's red light, which isn't necessarily at a level with my eyes, and the hushed tone required for the camera to stay steady always make me feel creepy watching them.

Add to that the fact that the performers don't have the opportunity to not look at the camera makes the atmosphere a little claustrophobic.

Maybe it's the lack of air between cameraman and star that makes everyone sound a little breathless?

I wish Errol Morris would do a porn POV movie with his Interrotron. Perhaps that way actresses would not bite their fingers or speak in that affected, vocally-fried way that doesn't exist outside of porn or post-production of Britney Spears records. Listening to Veronique Vega and Renae Cruz talk that way, knowing they don't actually talk that way, made me wonder who first gave that advice.

But Silver has the knack for casting women whose breasts, when their owners lie flat on their backs, look enormous and mesmerizing. This is definitely a raincoater film for the weird, uncomfortable level of late-teen unreality it contains. Everyone should own a copy.

(But I'm not going to sell it to you.)



Previously: Penthouse gets Bree sic; Saruman meets Spock in a thoughtful ocean of flesh; Barely Legal 75: Stacks of nudes spotted in Sunland
See also: Hustler

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  ¶ Wednesday, July 25, 2007   2 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
  Why is this man staring at Amber Rayne's shoulder?
As you know, I am a tremendously sexual person. Sometimes I'm not even allowed to board planes. So it is not in my chemical makeup, in general, to question what in a lady a man or another woman might find attractive. Feet? The Ass? Legs? Her brain? Nothing is off limits in my pan-sexual worldview.

But why this dude to the left is staring so intently at Amber Rayne's shoulder in Amber Rayne Is A White Trash Whore, when there are at least two other parts of her available, puzzled me.

That was until my friend the spirit photographer sent over this amplified image from the spectro-lab here at Gram Ponante Towers.

Join me on the other side of the terrestrial portal for the shocking photograph.

Bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman appears in spirit form above Amber Rayne's right shoulder in an image now on loan to Canoga Park's Museum of Spectral Photography.

Why Chapman, who is still alive and the subject of his own A&E Network reality show, is hovering benevolently over Rayne is anyone's guess.

A reader writes:
You continue to ignore the fact that minorities are more in touch with the spirit world.

If, when you say "ignore", you mean "embrace", then Yes, I do ignore that fact.

I only present facts. Sexual facts. And I cannot comment on the spirit realm, because it owes me money.

Previously: Send It Down; Strapped by a ghost; Ghouls Gone Wild; What, no tentacles?
See also: Spectral Photography, JM Productions

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 24, 2007   9 Comments Links to this post
  Believing your own hype
"Hey, my name's Kate Lynn. I'm 22 and I'm from Phoenix and I want to be a gag slut and I want to choke on some big cock. It's gonna make me all wet. Doing this."



Previously: Memoirs of a Madame; Asia Carrera 4 on 1; Lux's Life
See also: Gag Sluts

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 24, 2007   2 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 23, 2007
  Porn stars in my past, nipples in the news
I went to college with a guy named Brian and a woman named Jennifer (as did many of us). One day, Brian came into our dorm's common room, prior to the television being tossed out the window, and said:

"Jen's got nips that are two and a half inches out."

Read more about my confusion at this statement and how it turns out Vicky Vette wasn't in my Economics class, one click away.

In the older porn performer world, few hold a candle to Vicky Vette, who this week announced she has two-and-a-half inch nipples. Unfortunately what Vette calls nipples are actually her areolae, the pigmented areas surrounding her nipples.

Vicky supplies a picture of her areola against a Stanley measuring tape. I hate to school porn stars on aspects of their own anatomies, but Hey, I'm a Latin fan.

Now Havana Ginger - that chick's areolae must be about three feet in diameter.

When I read Vette's claim of such huge nipples I naturally assumed that yet another person from my numerous almae matres had taken up a porn career. Oh well.

Anyway, when Brian came into our common area I thought he was talking about Jennifer's ethnicity, which happened to be Japanese, because why say "nip" when "nipple" is just one syllable more?

I later saw Jennifer's nips myself (after she'd washed Brian off them) and they were totally 2.5" perpendicular to her body. In fact, they were perpendictastic. I measured them with a ruler I'd had since second grade and, with a little work, we got the left one out to 2 and 7/8". I should've taken pictures, but I wasn't that kind of person then.

Anyway, Vicky Vette, her areolae, and every other glorious part of her will be appearing tonight at SexCamCentral and Wednesday with Lisa Sparxxx in a special "Presidential Boob Debate".

Don't worry, Vicky, I'm sure Sen. Sam Brownback couldn't point out an areola, either.

Previously: Recovering Vette; No Morals!
See also: Vicky Vette, The difference between an areola and an aureola

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  ¶ Monday, July 23, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  L.A.'s most suggestive street?
If you can think of something better, by all means let me know.

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  ¶ Monday, July 23, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 20, 2007
  Asian hookers treat David Aaron Clark most shabbily
David Aaron Clark's Legend of the Oriental Luv Motel! is a riveting look at one man's realistic expectations of prostitutes.

As Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, Salmon Hatchery, Kibbutz, and Centrifuge are in Koreatown, now I know what to look for.

Read the review here.

Previously: Pornhounds; Dreaming of Snow
See also: David Aaron Clark

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  ¶ Friday, July 20, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  I dare you to walk into Starbucks and say this
...especially if you add the "7".

Side note: If you spell out the initials, the word you get is "Ilibadima 7". That either sounds like De'Bella's mom or someone left out of "Purple Rain".



Previously: "This nipple's not going to lick itself"; I Love Black Dick 3; Pull My Daisy
See also: Metro Interactive

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  ¶ Friday, July 20, 2007   1 Comments Links to this post
  Audacia's Velveteen Blog
The other night I talked with sex blogger/director/performer Audacia Ray when she stopped by a Venice Blvd. sex shop to read from her book "Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads and Cashing in on Internet Sexploration".

As a large part of our living comes from writing about sex, and as Ray and I are both tremendously sexy people, was it possible to have a conversation without writing about it? Did not writing about it make it less real?

Find the inevitable answer after the break in the HTML continuum.

Freddy & Eddy's is a bookstore/sex shop in an unlikely spot west of Centinela on Venice Blvd. run by husband and wife team Ian (Freddy) and Alicia (Eddy) Denchasy. When they started the online version of their store, which preceded the physical one, several years ago, they both had day jobs that didn't lend themselves to selling dildos and floggers.

So Ian chose the names "Freddy and Eddy", the characters played by Michael McKean and David Lander in the 1980 movie Used Cars. (They also played Lenny and Squiggy in "Laverne And Shirley".)

"They were ambiguous names, and wouldn't give us away," said Alicia. "I was working in a law form and Ian was a teacher."

Ray read selections from her book in a cozy back patio, furnished with wine, cherries, and Costco pizza. Among the attendees were Vena Virago and Suki and Brian Vatter, creators of the iPod vibrator OhMiBod, which I reviewed last year for Fleshbot.

Ray has been on the road supporting her book since May, stopping in places like Boston, Charlotte, and Amsterdam. Her ex-boyfriend is staying in her apartment in New York while she's out.

"In New York we have a real estate problem?" Ray said, "so sometimes your apartment woes trump your relationships, and you end up living with your exes."

"Naked"'s seven chapters deal primarily with how women express their sexuality online, via media from blogs to chatboards to cyberdildonics.

Each reading is followed by a Q & A period, and Ray observed that, regardless of city, people tend to focus their questions on the commercial sex/sex-for-money chapters.

"One woman in Baltimore finally asked, 'Is this whole book about commercial sex?'" Ray recalled. "And I said, 'No, but all these questions seem to be'."

The L.A. audience's questions focused on academia. I was proud of them. Ray said she picks her battles when deciding whether or not to mention her own sex work in academic settings.

She also shied away from predicting the future of online sexuality and explained why there wasn't a lot of Ray herself in the book.

"I found that of the 80 women I interviewed, any time I was about to offer up my own story, they had already lived it."

It's easy to forget (for me, anyway), that not everyone writes everything down.

"I have a boyfriend now, and I don't write too much about him on my blog," Ray told the audience. "It really helps the relationship."

Ray reads well but does not make a performance of it. She said she varies what she reads to keep herself interested, but does not choose chapters depending on her audience. Nothing in the reading, therefore, seemed titillating, it only seemed informative.

I read the book online, where the Internet lives, but the book is available in terrestrial form. Having a word like "Internet" in the title, with the book's Matrix-y cover art, made me wonder if the book will still be relevant in ten years, if it is instantly topical but also inevitably obsolete, the way we are immediately jarred out of a movie when we see an old, bulky cell phone.

But the Internet, however it will continue to be defined, is just the latest vehicle for self-expression, so the book will date itself with mentions of chatboard URLs and millennial technology but will also remain evergreen, as the Internet is only the latest means by which boobs can be presented for approval.

Ray and I stared at each other for a bit. I asked if, now that she writes everything down, what remains secret in her life.

"I don't know," she said. "If I don't write this down, will it have really happened?"

Previously: Audacia goes the extra mile; Bi Apple review
See also: Audacia Ray, Buy "Naked on the Internet", Why mentioning a skin horse is not dirty in this context

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  ¶ Friday, July 20, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 19, 2007
  Strippers everywhere
You will not be able to swing a dead impulse-purchase accessory dog this weekend without encountering a porn star stripper in America.

Little Casey Parker will make her dancing debut tomorrow night at Rouge: A Club for Gentlemen, 1616 East 15th Street in Los Angeles.

But wait: There's more!

Read about where Tera, Brooke, Stormy, and Nautica will be peeling after the break in the HTML continuum.

Tera Patrick will return to Wolcott, CT's Rockstar establishment tomorrow and Saturday night. Why name a strip club Rockstar? Better than calling it Folk Duo.

Brooke Haven, whose picture should be in the dictionary under the definition of Millennial Stripper, will be at Van Nuys' Spearmint Rhino tonight through Saturday.

Stormy Daniels will be at Hartford and Groton, CT's Gold Clubs from tonight through Saturday promoting Operation Desert Stormy and pointedly refusing to tell me about craft services on Knocked Up.

Finally, Nautica Thorn (who did tell me about craft services on Knocked Up), will grace El Paso's Red Parrot at 14400 Gateway Blvd. West.

Previously: The People for Casey Parker; Tyler Faith: "Just like the glitter on her nose"; Nautica Thorn hot girl, Asian; Sleaze are the people in your neighborhood

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  ¶ Thursday, July 19, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  Kala Prettyman does not need airbrushing
You would be excused for thinking that someone with the name Kala Prettyman is a tranny, but that is the only thing about the "newish" performer's appearance in Fresh Out the Box 7 that isn't deceptive.

Read more after the break in the HTML continuum.

For one thing, this series, affably directed by Tina Tyler, is for newcomers to porn. Prettyman has been in the business in for more than a year.

And the impression one would get from the gauzy, vaseline-y, finger-in-the-mouth pose on the boxcover does not do justice to the all-natural and unassuming performer who gets all womanly on a couch with Lexington Steele.

Prettyman is hippy and roomy, not in a way that would make Jame Gumb think about where to add zippers, but in a way refreshingly different from most newcomers to porn, who have thighs that Rebecca Gray noted "look like they were scraped out from the inside with an apple peeler."

Prettyman fills a void so cruelly created by Missy Monroe on her departure from porn (though Prettyman seems more stable, not that instability is necessarily bad).



Previously: Fresh Out the Box 4; Lux's Life; Holly Randall has always been a pervert
See also: Kala Prettyman

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  ¶ Thursday, July 19, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
  Ashley Blue channels Belladonna
Today I visited the set of Belladonna Entertainment's Odd Jobs 3, a "blowjob, handjob, and footjob" movie. Today's scene featured Steve Taylor and Ashley Blue.

Belladonna and Ashley Blue are often thought of as the most graphic and outrageous women in porn. Yet they are America's Sweethearts.

Read more after the break in the HTML continuum.

The location was on the Porn Valley side of Laurel Canyon Blvd. Blue talked about a house up the hill that fell down the mountain during the rains two years ago.

"I did my first interracial scene in that house," she said. I hadn't known that was a porn house. Of all the pictures taken of the famous house that fell down the hill, I don't remember any mentions of its porn celebrity. I can imagine an L.A. Daily News piece on "The House that Porn Made Fall Down the Hill".

As the cast prepared, Belladonna talked about what we can learn from celebrity.

"I had sex with a celebrity," she said, "and I got an STD from it. I called the guy and he didn't know what chlamydia was."

"Who was he?" Blue asked.

"He was a rock guy," Belladonna said. "I told him I had an STD and he asked what an STD was."

"I'm sure he knew what crabs were," Taylor said.

I mentioned that buying a bass guitar in Los Angeles County comes with a free case of crabs.

But Bella allowed that, despite the musician's lack of knowledge of the chlamydia that he had, he didn't freak out when she started her period on his bed.

"He said, 'The maids will take care of it'," she said. "I thought that was cool."

But will the maid take care of his chlamydia??


It may surprise you that the premise for some porn movies is very thin, and is sometimes arrived at mere seconds before shooting.

"You're a pizza guy," suggested Aiden, the director and Belladonna's husband. "You say, 'Pizza delivery' and then you deliver it."

This plan was scrapped when Belladonna revealed that she had thrown away the pizza box.

Then it was suggested that Taylor be an adult journalist and I would be his photographer. Taylor would demand a blowjob from Blue in order to kickstart her career with his media connections.

It was at this point that the ideas began flowing fast and furious, because we all felt we knew this character.

"Right!" Blue said to Taylor. "And you're a failure and your own career isn't what you want it to be, so you take it out on porn girls by acting better than them. You're like, 'What will you do after porno?' - "

I suggested, "And ask questions like, 'And how ashamed of yourself are you?'"

Blue continued, "Yeah, and you're like, 'Didn't you ever want to be a real actress?'"

We felt the reality of these characters coursing through us.

As Konstantin Stanislavsky said, “What is important to me is not the truth outside myself, but the truth within myself.”

"Usually no one sees my face in a movie like this," said Taylor, who has been a performer for 12 years. "Usually it's my dick entering from the left side of the frame."

(Or the right side, if the blowjob is in Hebrew.)

But with this setup we felt we could all organically move within our characters and breathe some real life into them. For my part, I spoke with an Australian accent.

I watched
from a balcony with Belladonna as the blowjob scene unfolded below.

"You're getting a real fetish blowjob," Blue improvised to Taylor, the adult journalist. "My private clients would pay two thousand dollars for this."

Aiden decreed that there had to be 33 percent hands, 33 percent feet, and 33 percent mouth in the scene, which will debut on EnterBelladonna.com and then be released to DVD.

"Wait a minute," Blue's character said. "I can't put my mouth on your cock. I haven't seen your (HIV) test."

"Oh, we can call and get the results afterward," Taylor said without hesistation. Just like real life!!

None of Blue's clothes came off in the scene. She mentioned that her partner, the photographer Dave Naz, who shoots for a lot of fetish magazines and sites, says people who are truly into legs, or feet, or breasts - whatever the fetish is - often don't care to see any other part of the performer's body.

I find this abhorrent, but then I am narrow-minded. I also can't understand people who don't drink.

Blue and Taylor improvised paragraphs of dialogue about a naive porn star who believes that blowing a disreputable adult journalist will help her career.

"I've helped hundreds of girls," Taylor said, and then: "You're making a mess."

"Oh, I'll have the maids clean it up."

Soon after, Taylor was allowed to pop.

"Cool," Blue said.

Afterward, I asked Belladonna and Blue which of them was the Dirtier. Each nominated the other, but they eventually decided on Blue. I asked them to pose as if Blue had said something shocking, but in reality both were very wholesome.


Previously: Belladonna wants you to be happy; Erotica L.A. 2007 in review; Ashley Blue: What she isn't
See also: Belladonna, Dave Naz (and Ashley Blue's blog thereon. Of her dog, she says, "I love him so much it is almost homicidal.")

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  ¶ Wednesday, July 18, 2007   7 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
  Audacia Ray in Venice
My pal Audacia Ray will be at Freddy & Eddy bookstore in Venice tonight, signing copies of her "Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads and Cashing in on Internet Sexploration" and trying hard to fit in.

"In an attempt to blend with the local culture," she said, "I might actually not wear all black. But, we'll see. I'm not promising anything."

Just wear nothing, Audacia. That's what those people in Venice do. (Well, the homeless ones.)

Freddy and Eddy is located at 12613 Venice Blvd. The signing begins at 8.

Previously: The Bi Apple; Jamye Waxman: The Female You; Benny Profane, Zak Sabbath, and Audacia Ray walk into a party at which a woman pops balloons by means of darts she shoots out of her pussy
See also: Freddy and Eddy, Audacia Ray, Buy "Naked on the Internet"

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 17, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  Mercedez' Tower of Terror
LFP's Mr. and Mrs. Smith adaptation featuring Nina Mercedez as a hitwoman employs the same font as California Adventure's Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.

Why is this significant? It isn't.

But two Latina posts in one day guarantees me a free trip to Adelita's.



Previously: Who-ray came first?
See also: Tower of Terror, Hustler

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 17, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  "Watch Me Pee" doesn't sound any better in Spanish, but let's get married anyway
Dimond Jewelz is a Latina porn actress who, according to her handlers, or putadors, has "made several films primarily for the Internet and private viewing." Included in her titles are Dimond in the Rough and Watch Me Pee.

It's a big week for Jewelz, who describes herself as "a mello down to earth kind of person" as she is appearing in two mainstream Spanish TV programs, Telemundo's game show "12 Corazones" and its Jerry Spinger knockoff "Jose Luis Sin Censura".

(I am not a Spanish speaker, but I assume Jose Luis is Spanish for Jerry Springer.)

"12 Corazones" pits six couples against each other for the chance at a dream wedding. Does her fiancee know that Dimond is a porn star? I would hate to think that the show is rigged.

And it is a great day for the Latin world, too, apparently:
"Producers on both shows admit an adult actress appearing on two Hispanic shows of this status and popularity in the same week is an unprecedented event in worldwide Latino media."
I like that the producers had to admit it, as if their natural humility made them reluctant to utter such momentous things.

Previously: Renae Cruz hedges her bets; Loca Latina Sluts, v. 2; Gusano Negro
See also: Dimond Jewelz

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 17, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 16, 2007
  New Porn Daily: A new parishioner is born in the Ghetto
There are those who feel that race and class-based porn is wrongheaded, but I am sure that they, like me, will be reassured now that the Latin mass is coming back.

Why? Because ghettos, as we know from constant and repeated porn viewing, are hotbeds of primal lust and therefore of Latin scholarship.

All those results of that crazed ghetto rutting have to be baptized somewhere, don't they?

Beauty Dior's eyes seem to be saying, "This tastes like a novena."



Previously: Working up the enthusiasm with Gabriela Banks; The Black Toilet of Lust; In a white room with meat curtains
See also: Hustler

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  ¶ Monday, July 16, 2007   2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 13, 2007
  XBiz Summer Forum '07 in review
Whenever I go to any kind of convention, the rhythmic motions of my neck, like the waters of Solaris, conspire to turn my ID necklace around, so all anyone sees is the name of whatever company sponsored the costly lamination/lanyard process.

On a deeper level, it raises questions of who we really are. In the porn world, there have always been two camps.

I feel that, of the two adult trade publications, AVN is more defiantly pro-porn; freakier in its makeup, more accepting of the weird, and not self-conscious. There are people at AVN who would gladly go to jail so that porn could continue. But why shouldn't they? I've been to some of their apartments, and I've been to many correctional facilities. California Institute for Men - Chino has better carpeting and televisions than those of AVN's editorial staff.

But this week's XBiz Summer Forum proved to me that one does not have to like porn to make money on it. In fact, having an emotional attachment to the material often clouds judgment when ordering and reordering one's TGPs and linklists for optimized ROI.

Read a full account of the proceedings after a break in the HTML continuum.

It is very difficult not to compare AVN with XBiz, as XBiz is doing everything that AVN does, except -mostly- differently. There's the Awards, the video magazine, the sponsorships, and now the conventions. The only thing XBiz has not yet tried its hand at is a trade show.

That XBiz has had its two Summer Forums at the Hard Rock Hotel is very classy. The place is big enough to hold the several hundred people who came and small enough to have character, whereas AVN's January shindig at the Sands seems overwhelming at times.

But it was 112 degrees the other day, in the shady garage. Perhaps XBiz' reluctant acceptance of the porn aesthetic (although one cannot get more porn than Joanne Cachapero) is reflected in its decision to hold its porn convention in Hell.

The Hard Rock's comprehensive pool, estuary, and watering system was the focal point of the convention, with 33 tents arrayed around it, each rented by a different affiliate program, product, or studio (including Shane's World, which turned its teepee into an igloo for humanitarian purposes).

Hustler's new president, Michael Klein, was there, as were Adam & Eve's Peter Reynolds and Mischa Allen, Oren Cohen of Tightfit, and Pink Visual's Kim Kysar (all spoke at seminars). Private and Vivid were also represented.

At a seminar about generating free traffic for websites, I sat on a panel with Jay Quinlan of OCCash, traffic hub operator Harry Thomas, and Greenguy of Link-o-rama.

Quentin, known as XXXJay "on the boards", pointed out that he might not like "Black Lesbian Strap-on" content personally but that it was up to webmasters to assess new trends in their purchasing of content for their affiliate programs.

What was interesting to me was that discussions of "content" left out words that weren't part of meta tags. People talked about pictures rather than text, and I wondered if pictures without text was trulyy the wave of the future.

I felt the need to speak about the power of words to turgidify customers.

In a previous seminar on traffic, panelists had suggested to newbie webmasters that generating their own content was not recommended, "since there are so many other people out there who are already doing it," and that recirculating other people's work was the way to go. This seemed shocking to say and was shocking to hear, but the feeling passed; reducing sexuality to high-yield niches is at the center of what porn is about, so for panelists to suggest without irony that newcomers leave the originality to others should not have been surprising.

Other seminars included a well-intentioned but not very informative discussion of financial planning for pornographers and, in the minutes following the publication of the new 2257 proposal in the Federal Register, Free Speech Coalition lawyers dissected the text. Bottom line? If this passes, things will suck, with no distinction between primary and secondary producers and an adults-only warning on every page of porn websites, as opposed to the general warning people tend to use now.

With each event centrally located to the Hard Rock, people got to know each other over the course of the convention, mostly in the pool. Each of the lunches and most of the drinks were sponsored by some company or other.

Even the waitresses and booth girls were sponsored. I wondered at first why I did not recognize many of the people in XBiz tank tops and short shorts or the bikini'd ladies representing affiliate programs; it is because they were local or L.A. contracters for modeling/catering agencies.

I asked one woman who was walking around with a drink tray how the XBiz Forum measured up to other conventions she'd hostessed for.

"I was in a much skimpier outfit for an RV convention earlier this year," she said, "and the people weren't as nice."

Unlike the AVN convention, actual porn girls were at a minimum, and there were no male porn performers there, unless you count Evan Seinfeld, who was there representing Teravision.

I talked with Seinfeld at length, but never saw Tera Patrick. "She's up in the room," he said, then showed me her picture on his iPhone (I counted 14 iPhones in all). I saw Seinfeld several times during the week, but never saw Tera. I began to doubt she was there. At the club Body English I was told that Jenna Jameson was in attendance but after several trips through the VIP area did not see her. I heard she looked good.

I spoke with Louisville's own Tera Wray. I have not yet met someone from Kentucky who wasn't charming. That is why I am a Kentucky Colonel.

Wray is the newly-signed contract star for New Jersey's Pleasure Productions. I told her I didn't know Pleasure Productions had contract stars.

"Well, they hadn't met me yet," she said sweetly.

I asked her if she went to the Kentucky Derby.

"I go every year," she said. "This year I didn't even have tickets, but I knew all the security guards."

We held a moment of silence for Barbaro, but I refrained from pouring out my 40 on the ground in his memory.

I gave her my business card, but she had nowhere else to put it. Note to self: next year print business cards on watermelons.

I spoke with Brett Franklin of a gay site called Manaconda.

"You're probably going to judge me," he said, "but I want to go over there and suck that guy off."

"I judge no one," I said. "Just let him know beforehand."


There were several well-sponsored and casual events around the pool, like open bars and an evening happy hour, and I expected the same breezy nature of a late-night club event on Wednesday.

I feel about clubs like Body English, what with its bottle service, bikini dancers, and PowerBook-wielding DJs, that they should go the way of MySpace. People tend to go through the motions at such events and I am unaware of anyone actually having a good time. Not like Disneyland. At the crowded Body English, which was located downstairs at the Hard Rock, I stood in various places, danced in various places, and spent most of the time yelling at people I like.

"THAT'S SOME CLEAVAGE," I said to one person.

"NICE PANTS," she replied. We would have said more but we were hoarse already.

I talked with Josh of Fleshlight, the Austin-based company that puts flashlights into cyberskin penis (now vagina) replicas.

"MY BOSS' SON MADE THE FROGS FOR 'MAGNOLIA'," he said. "HE DESIGNED THE FLESHLIGHTS AFTER HE MADE HIS DAD A RUBBER VAGINA WHEN HIS MOM GOT PREGNANT AT 47."

Apparently Fleshlight's owner was indignant that he would not be able to have sex with his wife, the future mother of healthy twins, during her pregnancy, so he sought refuge in Science.

"SO THE FROGS IN 'MAGNOLIA' EMPLOYED THE SAME PENIS FLASHLIGHT TECHNOLOGY?" I asked.

"YES."

"WERE THEY MADE AT THE SAME FACTORY?" I asked.

"YES."

As I talked with Josh, both of us were casually spilling our drinks on one of the women in the booth. This is how crowded it was. I went from booth to booth, drinking vodka with little mixers, spilling little bits on myself and others, while others spilled their drinks on me. As you know, I am a bigger sybarite than most, but this was silly.

As I walked out, I approached a group of women, who looked at me frankly. They were not with the convention. I still had my ID lanyard on. One of the women grabbed it and looked at it, then shouted something to her friends.

"WHAT JUST HAPPENED BETWEEN US?" I asked.

"NICE NAME TAG," she said.

My name tag, turned around, read "Pussycash".

My two biggest regrets were that I did not actually stay at the Hard Rock, so an Internet connection was hard to come by, and that I hadn't brought a bathing suit. I could as easily have jumped in a microwave to cool off.


For me the high point of the convention was to be a seminar delivered by XBiz staff on how to write press releases. As a person who reads press releases from porn companies every day, I am indeed blessed that I have a job where I can say whatever I like about them. Employees of trade publications have no such luxury.

So I was looking forward to how writer Anne Winter and the rest of the XBiz team were going to handle the words of current and future porn publicists, and I fully expected them to use examples from life, but they did not take the bait.

Instead, their version of a bad press release was written from scratch. I have to say it was better than some I've received. I asked XBiz publisher Tom Hymes why there weren't any real-life examples.

"There's so many that it would have been unfair to narrow it to just one," he said.

"Plus {name withheld} would have tried to capitalize on it," Winter said.

I suggested to XBizVideo editor Steve Javors that telling publicists how to write press releases for your own magazine was like telling your girlfriend how to give you a blowjob. It is self-preserving.

"That is apt," he said.

I could not imagine AVN's editorial staff delivering a lecture on how to write press releases. Not that they are not as plagued, if not more so, with bad press releases as XBiz, but their own bitterness and regret is augmented with a certain resignation.

It was also noteworthy to see that there was no coverage of the XBiz Forum on AVN whereas there has been plenty of advertising for AVN events like Internext and Erotica LA in the pages of XBiz. The only AVN employees I saw at XBiz were members of its sales team, probably keeping tabs on the tenuous affections of its advertisers.

This is unfortunate. Both of those media entities need the other, and officially pretending the other is not there is useless other than to look bad.

For an idea on how far there is to go, I will leave you with a quote from an XBiz story on its Forum.
“The show’s good. I always come to Vegas for the XBIZ show,” Python Cash’s Derrick Bronco said. “The basis for me is seeing people I already know and solidifying those relationships better.”
Next year's Summer Forum should, in addition to being held no earlier than September 20, feature a seminar on how to give statements to press, if for no other reason than to solidify speaking better.


Previously: Products for your down under from down under
See also: XBiz Summer Forum

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  ¶ Friday, July 13, 2007   2 Comments Links to this post
  Three days in the desert
I attended the XBiz Summer Forum in Las Vegas this week, and have been Internetless for the past three days. Its absence hasn't taught me to love the earth or commune with myself any better.

Join me for an explanation after the break in the HTML continuum.

Instead, it has made me realize that the anger I feel when I see people texting or websurfing when they should be maintaining eye contact is the same as when the person you're talking with at, say, {insert Los Angeles-area function} keeps looking over your shoulder to see who else might be coming in the room.

This has never happened to me, of course, but I see it happening to others, and I see their tears.

No, people who are socially inept or avoidant only find refuge in their text and web enabled cellphones; those devices don't cause them to be that way. If I were to gain the ability to be online all the time (and the Hard Rock Hotel where the Forum was held did have three kinds of Internet: the kind only available to guests, the kind available at two e-mail kiosks, and the wireless, free for everybody kind that was broken), I would use that ability for good, not evil, because I am America's Beloved Porn Journalist.

Stay tuned for insightful news from the XBiz Forum later today.

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  ¶ Friday, July 13, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
  Industry shocker: Adam & Eve to sponsor party far away from adult industry
The news is not that Adam & Eve is helping to sponsor a pajama and lingerie party at the Palms Casino next weekend in support of the September release of Eden, but that it has chosen a location and a time that ensures the fewest possible members of the Porn Valley adult industry can attend.

Read more following the break in the HTML continuum.

Adam & Eve will sponsor a "One Night in Eden" party on July 20, and the following night will cosponsor the sixth annual "Jimmy's Naughty Nighty Nite" at the Palms. The press release doesn't even say where the previous event will be held, because the company probably only wants real people to attend.
"Both nights will be attended by the cast of EDEN including Ava Rose, Evan Valentine and special guest Zero Tolerance Contact star Courtney Cummz. Also attending the event will be Adam & Eve Pictures mainstay stars Sunny Lane, Paola Rey and Memphis Monroe."
Isn't Memphis Monroe a Hustler mainstay star? The plot thickens.

"I am shocked," said Bill Mullet, president of adult event planning agency {Sic}wurks, "and outraged. Outraged and shocked. The thought that the company that produced J-Ho and the ouevre of Heidi Joy Pike would not have the decency to hold an event at a San Fernando Valley taco-adjacent warehouse and not let me run it galls me."

Eden, Adam & Eve insiders say, is "going to be bigger than Tailgunners". The film was shot in various places in Hawaii this April and will be one of longtime and beloved contract star Carmen Luvana's final appearances with the company.

The Daniel Dakota epic was particularly expensive, and unsponsored reports from the set verify that locations were changed at the last minute due to permit issues and that one of the intended stars had to be replaced due to gonorrhea. But as onetime Pirates co-producer Digital Playground learned with its Bora Bora by way of Leo Carillo Beach production of Island Fever 4, even the suggestion of a tropical location sells movies.

Eden was by all accounts a tough production. But there was one story of heroism: Carmen Luvana was going down on Courtney Cummz (who was flown in to replace the gonorrhea victim) and swallowed Cummz' clitoris ring. Luvana gagged and coughed it back up. The ring was cleaned and Cummz reattached it. Never say that porn performers don't earn their money.

“In order to launch the biggest movie in Adam & Eve Pictures history, we needed an event equal in magnitude,” said Adam & Eve sales and marketing VP Peter Reynolds of the parties that will take place when there are no adult-oriented conventions in the vicinity. “The Palms is a perfect fit.”

I applaud Adam & Eve's decision to keep its tentpole release of 2007 untainted by the presence of those who couldn't possibly understand its magnitude.


Previously: Make Love to My Ass; Go Go Gojira, Dakota; O: The Power of Submission
See also: Adam & Eve

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 10, 2007   6 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 09, 2007
  Do They Know It's Christmas?
With a name like Third World Media, savvy porn consumers would expect only the best in Sub-Saharan Africa and Nigerian Internet Scam ladies, but in fact the company shoots on location just about everywhere other than Africa, including Japan, Thailand, and Brazil.

My favorite of their DVD titles is Exit Ass Enter Mouth. It's like Eat Drink Man Woman except Exit Ass Enter Mouth.

I believe she is standing on the bed. Other cultures are fascinating!

It is as if she has just discovered why that man is taking all those pictures.

In Brazil, they call them Emperor Dom Pedro bears.

Somehow the notion of leaving some piece of extraneous clothing on has made it across the Pacific.


Previously: Asia Carrera throught the window; Seriously, Caylian Curtis: Don't do that if it hurts you; Anal title 60 percent short of ass
See also: Third World Media

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  ¶ Monday, July 09, 2007   2 Comments Links to this post
  Pink is the new steve
Pink is a suggestive color, of course, and it's no surprise that it is used in porn names (Jocelyn Pink, Pink Visual, 1 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink), but when I looked at this Joanna Angel cover from Hustler, her ex company (she's at ClubJenna now), it sent me poking around the steveporn corner of the web to find that those people are addicted to the color pink. I think it's unhealthy.

In fact, the thing that might actually separate "altporn" as practiced and photographed before the turn of the century and "steveporn" as scholars have described it is pink-dependence.

I was amazed at how much pink turned up on the sites of Vivid-steve, Eon McKai, Vena Virago, and Winkytiki, whereas pink was at manageable levels in the work of Rob Rotten and Ron Royster, two others often tagged with the altporn label. Blueblood was almost pink-free, but Eroticbpm was exceedingly pink.

I don't know what this means, other than pink makes me think of candy, and that when I see a picture like this one of Joanna Angel, looking so frankly at {me}, I think black, not pink, because black is the color of my soul.


Previously: Pink Velvet trilogy; So are they pink or are they white?

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  ¶ Monday, July 09, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  The Haunting of Hill Feet
This picture of Lana Croft in Red Light District's Obscene Behavior 2 reminds me of the scene in Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" in which (lesbians) Eleanor and (come on, they're so lesbians) Theodora clutch each other in a dark room against some unseen creepy thing outside, only to realize when the lights come on that they were across the room from each other.

"Good God - whose hand was I holding?"

Here is the first paragraph of "The Haunting of Hill House":
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.

I'm sure that whatever walks in Obscene Behavior 2, walks erect.


Previously: I Love Black Dick 3; Strapped by a Ghost; "She never sleeps."
See also: Red Light District, Buy "The Haunting of Hill House"

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  ¶ Monday, July 09, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  XBiz redesign: What's with the Statue of Liberty and sperm?
Spermatozoa appear to be traveling away from the Statue of Liberty, as if to repopulate the old country, in XBiz' new marketing campaign.

What do the sperm know that we don't?

Previously: XBiz relaunches
See also: XBiz

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  ¶ Monday, July 09, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Sunday, July 08, 2007
  It's hard to be a pornsaint in the city
This collection of artful renderings of some of my personal favorite porn personalities has a daunting amount of theory behind it, which can either be a turnoff, a justification, or, well, just those two. Best to not read the manifesto attached.

Suffice to say that not since Bang Boat has there been a porn site with such a high concept.

Designed by the Florentine artist "Pornpope" Francesco D'Isa, Pornsaints has a five page mission statement that boils down to: "Well, they might as well be saints" because anything else is just as likely.

I have as much problem with people who beatify their art objects as those who debase (Khan Tusion) or infantilize (Bill Margold) them; it takes away the subject's humanity.

Our issue as porn viewers/consumers has never been that we aren't understanding porn subjects the right way, it's that some people tell us how to understand a very personal, that is consumer, subject. In the end, it says more about the theorist than it says about us.

Regardless, Pornsaints is a well-crafted and thoughtful site, whether you agree with the thoughts behind it or not, and contains some interesting renderings of Casey Parker, Bella Vendetta, Mia Rose, Pinky Lee, and Lorelei Lee (pictured), among others.


Previously: The Erotic (Kool Aid Acid) Coloring Book; VCA embraces pixelation; My God, It's full of stars; Eon McKai and the elephant in the room
See also: Pornsaints

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  ¶ Sunday, July 08, 2007   3 Comments Links to this post
Saturday, July 07, 2007
  Report: Geeks still more trustworthy than Justice Dept.
You'd think that the Geek Squad wouldn't have to resort to stealing porn since they already get to keep those cool Beetles.

The comments on Consumerist's story about how the Gawker Media website used a program like Remote Desktop or Timbuktu to catch a Geek Squad employee downloading a client's personal photos - that included porn - onto his own hard drive were less about how interesting this story was than they were about how computer technicians stealing or at least snooping on personal files isn't news.

It's like saying "Well of course you got raped...look at what you're eating!"

The Geek Squad tech was supposed to be installing iTunes, which he did, in addition to poking around a folder invitingly titled "Honey Pot". His invoice recommended a memory upgrade (to increase porn transfer speed) and mentioned that the computer needed "protection". You think?

Since I am a Profiler and an Empath, I know that the Geek Squad employee was confident that a person who couldn't even install iTunes would never be able to figure out that his porn was copied.

It's a sad world.


Previously: Hotter than a Balrog
See also: Consumerist catches Geek Squad stealing porn from customer's computer

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  ¶ Saturday, July 07, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  Theresa Flynt featured in Oprah Magazine
Hustler Hollywood creator, LFP video marketing director, and Larry Flynt scion Theresa Flynt is featured in this month's Oprah magazine in an article penned by my pal The Original Violet Blue.

The article is titled "Eyes Wide Open" but I cannot find it online. A search on Oprah's site (we are on a first-name basis) reveals another article titled "Eyes Wide Open", but that's about insomnia.

In the article, Flynt extols the quality of Hustler products and Blue debunks the theory that women who watch porn only like the "romantic" stuff.

Previously: Pabst Blue Ribbon Night with the steveporn kids
See also: Hustler Hollywood, Oprah, Violet Blue

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  ¶ Saturday, July 07, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 06, 2007
  XBiz Summer Forum next week
Because my car has better air conditioning than my house, and because a four-hour drive in a car with leg room is better than three hours waiting for and flying in a plane that has none, I will be driving to Las Vegas next week for the XBiz Summer Forum.

Even though the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino has air conditioning of its own, it is still an odd choice to hold a convention in a city that is officially hotter than Hell in the middle of July, a month Satan described as "a hot, hot month, especially in Vegas. Jesus Christ."

Activities at the XBiz Summer Forum include sweating, parties, and numerous seminars including the inevitable 2257 regulations breakout session, a two-part Distribution How-To, Information and Content Security panels, and How to Generate Free Traffic, at which I will speak.

I'm a little worried about what I'll say. Should I demand that webmasters "Provide quality material"? "More boobs, Less Dumb"? These people don't want to hear that.

XBiz staff will moderate a seminar on How to Write a Press Release. I am looking forward to this. It is understood that conferences and trade shows make money for the entities sponsoring them, but the Press Release seminar will be the most self-serving; it is a plea by the staff to stop sending them For Immediate Release pieces about a hat giveaway.

I will admire their balls if they say, "Do not, for the love of G-d, write press releases like 90 percent of the people who write press releases in the adult industry."

Previously: Gram Ponante announces iLick; Breaking: New copy of XBizWorld contains mousepad
See also: XBiz Summer Forum, Treatment of heat prostration

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  ¶ Friday, July 06, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  Samantha Sterlyng: My Ass, Rummy's Face
Semi-retired porn star (because she lives in Maryland) Samantha Sterlyng created a video for a college Government class in which she projected slides of current and former Bush Administration officials on her body.

I can imagine how her professor reacted when she turned in her homework.

"I thought it would be something interesting to see," she told me.

But what does it mean? I don't know how effective this sort of thing is as a form of protest, but it would be interesting if the war stops.

See the video here.


Previously: Sasha Grey's Jezebel & June; Assault That Ass: Sun Tzu's perspective; Pornhounds
See also: Samantha Sterlyng

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  ¶ Friday, July 06, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
  Holly Randall's secret life
With a title like "Secret Lives of Women", the WEtv show is easy to dismiss as sensational and titillating. Indeed, the program list includes shows on Lipstick Lesbians and Munchausen Moms. But a recent episode dealing with "Sex for Sale", that included segments on Suze and Holly Randall as well as San Francisco sex surrogate Cheryl Cohen-Greene, was fascinating.

"I can see why to some people it might seem strange to make pornography with your mother," Holly Randall said. "but you haven't met my mother."

The show also featured Brooke, a Bunny Ranch prostitute and Dennis Hof's girlfriend, who provided the winning line of the show. After mentioning that she just does what everyone else does, except she gets paid for it, she added:

"If you wouldn't judge me for being a waitress, don't judge me for doing this."

I don't know how you might obtain a copy of the show. Perhaps you could Tivo it? I'm sure if you call Wetv they would courier three or four copies to you, because they are very nurturing.

Previously: It's not sex "work" when you're just lying there; Erotica L.A. 2007 in review; Holly Randall has always been a pervert
See also: Holly Randall, Wetv

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 03, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  It takes more than a sexy nurse's outfit and nipple clamps to make an effective universal healthcare program
...but who are we kidding? If there's never going to be an effective universal healthcare program, we might as well have sexy nurse's outfits and nipple clamps.

Read the review of Medical Pain Sluts here.

Previously: Products for your down under from down under; Viv Thomas' Pink Velvet Trilogy; Mission Accomplished; Getting the most out of your slave
See also: Bondage Orgasms

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 03, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  How you gonna keep 'em down on (Seymore Butts' Ass Farmer) once they've seen Karl Hungus?
"Appalachian Spring" isn't playing in the background, no one frolics in the hay, nothing is raised from the earth, shipped to market, or sold at a quaint stand by the highway. No spiders befriend pigs, no animals reveal themselves to be more equal than others, no crystal is unearthed below the barn floor to guide young Clark to his arctic fortress. The U.S. government does not pay anyone to not grow corn, Willie Nelson doesn't stop by to lament its decline, and there are definitely no Joads.

If just one person in Seymore Butts' Ass Farmer sported a pitchfork, it would have justified the title.

Luckily, there is plenty of ass in it. And Havana Ginger's nipples are bigger than a country ham.

Read the review here.

Previously: This house is a party bus; Possa engooped; Tull, Mari Possa rule
See also: Pureplay

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  ¶ Tuesday, July 03, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 02, 2007
  New Porn Daily: Sex Secrets of the Yeti
I consulted my 12-year-old self, who proclaimed Private's Sex Secrets of the Yeti "even better than Krull".

It hasn't snowed in Los Angeles since 1962, so the idea of porn shot in the snow almost seems like science fiction. Leave it to the wacky Europeans to make Sex Secrets of the Yeti, in which different men dressed in gorilla suits for no good reason couple with ski-suited Euro-hotties atop an alp.

This movie is tremendously stupid, but that matters little in a porn movie. I only mentioned it was tremendously stupid because I pay myself by the word. Still, it bears mentioning that at one point a ski bunny and the Yeti have been walking toward each other for about 30 feet before she even slightly registers apprehension.

Then there's the scene where the Yeti and a not-Yeti bang their sweethearts side by side. That we see the guy in the Yeti suit's t-shirt all the way through makes me think that Private had blown so much of the budget on the location and keeping the ladies in chapstick that the company paid very little attention to explaining why the Yeti did not rip his conquests limb from limb afterward.

But maybe that's one of his sex secrets.



Previously: Every picture tells a story; Ladyboy or Cenobite?; Private introduces first hybrid synergy porn star
See also: Private

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  ¶ Monday, July 02, 2007   3 Comments Links to this post
  Vivid launches softcore series
"Vivid Voyeur", a new TV-M package from Vivid, debuts this week in households and hotel rooms with DirecTV, and later will be available on In-Demand systems.

The TV-M rating implies that this series will be aimed at couples, women, or sperm-avoidant men whose porn narrative doesn't always have to end with a facial cumshot.

I asked America's Women to imagine that they were from Space and if, based on viewings of 100 random porn titles they'd watched at my house, how they thought the human species reproduced. The response was uniform.

"Why do I stock up on birth control if all he's going to do is pull out and come on my face?" asked America's Women.

The first Vivid Voyeur airs Thursday on DirecTV. "Wild Weekend at Club Vivid" features Kayden Kross (pictured) and Lanny Barby romping about with other porn stars and not getting come on their faces. August's entry is "Porn Star Makeover: Vivid Style". Vivid officials assure me that the makeovers do not involve faces full of come.

Previously: Don't expect Jenna Haze Oil Orgy at Blockbuster; Obama behind porn endorsements?; Janine Loves Jenna
See also: Vivid

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  ¶ Monday, July 02, 2007   0 Comments Links to this post
  

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